READ!!

Sorry I've taken SO long to update, it's just I haven't had time AND Twilight came out last Friday and I'm still kind off in a daze (Robert Pattinson's fault!!)

This is so long, too.

So I've skipped the whole Volturi part because I don't know the character well enough and Edward would be reading their minds and I don't know what they think like... So now it is New Moon chapter 23. The truth.... ENJOY :D

And obviously thank you to everyone who commented you were sooooo nice!! Thanks :D

New Moon, Chapter 23. The Truth. Edward p.o.v

While I watched Bella sleep I thought about everything. When I left, Rosalie's call, going to the Volturi, when Bella stopped me from going into the sun, Bella meeting the Volturi, and finally being able to leave and come home, with Bella.

Bella started to wake-up and I couldn't decide what to say first. Would she believe me? Would she leave me?

She hadn't moved in a while so I assumed her body was stiff. Bella had also mumbled a lot, she had spoke fast and sounded scared.

Bella inhaled deeply and I touched her forehead, softly. She squeezed her eyes closed for a while and then she sighed and opened her eyelids slowly.

"Oh!" She gasped and threw her hands back over her eyes. She opened them again after a little while.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked quietly.

She blinked twice and said "Oh, crap," croakily. Her voice was thick from her sleep.

"What's wrong, Bella?" She frowned unhappily at what I said and I got really anxious.

"I'm dead, right?" Dead?

"I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie." I frowned at that.

"Your not dead."

"Than why am I not waking up?" She challenged, with raised eyebrows.

"You are awake, Bella."

She shook her head

"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And than it will be worse when I do wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renée and Jake..." She trailed of.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." I smiled grimly. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to end up in hell. Did you commit any murders while I was away?"

She grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me." I sighed, she was so wrong.

Her eyes flickered away to the open window, then back to me. A faint blush crossed her cheekbones.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" No wonder she thought she was dead, not every day you go to Italy and nearly get killed by vampires.

"That depends." I smiled but not properly, Bella shouldn't have experienced that. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange, I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

I rolled my eyes, "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent." Not that I wanted you to. I thought.

"I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours." She had stretched as I spoke.

"Charlie?"

I frowned, "Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window... But, still, the intent was clear." I wasn't happy about it, but Charlie was right, I shouldn't see Bella after all the pain I caused her.

"Charlie banned you from the house?" Bella asked, her voice slipping into fury.

My eyes turned sad, I didn't want to be ban from seeing Bella, even though nothing could keep me away now, ever. "Did you expect anything else?"

Bella's eyes were mad, and then the thought for a moment, about something else.

"What's the story?" She asked, after, casually.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's, my excuse for disappearing for... how long was I gone, anyway?"

"Just three days." My eyes tightened, but I still tried to smile, "Actually I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

Bella groaned. "Fabulous."

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I tried to comfort her.

She did seam comforted, but she still sat there thinking a lot.

"So," Bella began, thinking again. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

My face turned wary, I wanted to tell her I was sorry but Bella, surprisingly, wanted to know about what I had been up to and that hadn't exactly been fun or successful. "Nothing terribly exciting."

"Of course not." Bella mumbled, making a half normal half-grimace face.

"Why are you making that face?"

"Well..." She pursed her lips, thinking. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed. "If I tell you, will you finally believe you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" Bella repeated scornfully. I waited, patiently. "Maybe, of you tell me."

"I was... hunting."

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

I hesitated, and then spoke slowly, picking out the best way to say it. "I wasn't hunting for food... I was actually trying my hand at... tracking. I'm not very good at it." I admitted.

"What were you tracking?" Bella asked, intrigued.

"Nothing of consequence." I told her while thinking about how unsuccessful it was, Victoria was here while I thought she was in South America.

"I don't understand." Bella said.

I wanted, no needed to tell her, now, exactly everything and every reason.

I hesitated, while thinking of how to begin.

"I-" I sucked in a big breathes of Bella's scent. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria"-my lips curled back when I said her name-"would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize who now-she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing new occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him-that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice-what she saw herself-when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself"-I shuddered, pausing for a second. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for-"

"Stop," Bella interrupted me. I started at her, agonized. I needed to tell her, get it all out, she needed to know how bad I felt for leaving, how ashamed of myself I am for making this mess and then leaving it to her, something which obviously a human couldn't cope with.

Bella thought for a while again but finally said, "Edward, this has to stop now. You can't let this... this guilt... rule you life. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped of that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's in your... your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible-think of Esme and Carlisle and-" She stopped, taking a deep breath, calming herself down. One thing for sure though, she was wrong.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered. "Do you honestly believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

She was looking at me with blank incomprehension on her face. "Didn't you?"

"Fell guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend?"

"Then... what are you saying? I don't understand."

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," I said, my voice soft but my eyes were fierce. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death,"-I shuddered the last word-"even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful-I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what as I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

"The odds..." I muttered, distracted... remembering back to before I left, before Bella's birthday party, when we were watching Romeo and Juliet. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Rome again."

"But I still don't understand, that's my whole point. So what?" So what? So what, if you die?

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?"

I stared at her. What was she talking about? Why would I not care? "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me."

I brushed the tip of my finer against her lower lip, burning my finger. "Bella, you seem to be under misapprehension." I closed my eyes, shaking my head while half smiling, but not a happy smile. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist." I told her, honestly.

"I am... confused." She looked almost dizzy.

I stared her deep in the eyes, understanding why she would be confused. I still had more explaining to do. "I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

She froze, her muscles locking. Her breath whooshed out of her and she looking in pain.

I shook her shoulder. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced. "That was... excruciating."

She didn't say anything, she just sat there frozen."

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye. You weren't going to let go, I could see that. I didn't want to do it-it felt like it would kill me to do it-but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," Bella whispered, remembering what I said to her that day.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible-that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant a seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry-sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I loved you, how could you just let one word break your faith in me?" I asked, pained, someone like Bella deserved someone who could be human with her; I'd understand if that's what she thought of me. She didn't answer thought, she still sat there but more shocked now.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept-as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you."

She sat there, staring. I shook her shoulder again and her teeth rattled.

"Bella, really, what were you thinking!"

And after that, Bella started crying. The tears forming in her eyes and flowing down her face.

"I knew it, I knew I was dreaming."

"Your impossible." I said and did a hard frustrated laugh. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't love you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

She shook her head, while her tears kept gushing.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," Bella explained, her voice breaking twice. "I always knew that."

My eyes narrowed and my jaw tightened.

"I'll prove you're awake." I promised.

I caught her face between my hands and secured it, ignoring her struggles.

"Please don't," She whispered.

I stopped, my lips half an inch away from hers.

"Why not?" I demanded. This is exactly what I thought may have happened.

"When I wake up"-I opened my mouth to protest-"okay, forget that one-when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I pulled my face back an inch to look her in the eyes better.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were do... hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be... quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try and spare my feeling, please- just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I whispered.

"What kind of idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please."

She stared at me darkly for a long moment. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you-and there's nothing you can do about it!" She answered.

"That's all I needed to hear." And I moved my face quickly toward where our lips would touch.

Bella didn't try and stop me this time. I didn't want to kiss Bella carefully, I was still careful obviously but I let it go past the 'lines'.

Bella kissed me back, whilst her heart was pounding disjointed and her breathing turned to panting. She moved her hands to my face and glided her fingers everywhere she could reach and then to my hair, holding me to her. I did the same back to her, at the same time but I left my hands on her face. I could feel her warm body against mine, every line and curve, which was Bella. I'm glad I didn't listen to her; the pain left my body and all I could think again was Bella, but that she was here, right in front of me, with me.

In a moment whilst my lips were free, I whispered her name.

I pulled away from Bella, and laid my ear in front of her heart. Another thing to remind me that was Bella was here, alive. The disjointed rhythm of her heart sounded like music to me.

Bella lay there, quietly, except for her gasping.

"By the way, I'm not leaving you." I told her casually.

She didn't say anything.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you, I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you-keeping you from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted... what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay-thanks heavens for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything." Bella whispered.

I got angry again. "You think I'm lying to you now?"

"No-not lying." She shook her head, thinking. "You could mean it... now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for, right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time-and not much of it-before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

Bella grimaced. "Be serious, please."

"Oh, I am," I insisted, glaring. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I waited, studying her face while I spoke, making sure she was listening.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," Bella mumbled.

"That's the problem-they can't." I explained.

"What about your distractions?"

I laughed, without humor." Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the... the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone-like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny," Bella muttered.

I arched an eyebrow. "Funny?"

"I meant strange-I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breath in so long." She breathed in, appreciating it. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I closed my eyes and placed my ear over her heart again.

Bella pressed her cheek to my hair and breathed in.

"Tracked wasn't a distraction then?" Bella asked, curious, trying to distract herself.

"No. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with... Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil-and really she came here." I groaned. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears-"

"You were hunting Victoria?" Bella half-shrieked.

I could hear Charlie's snores stutter and then go back to normal.

"Not well," I answered, studying her outraged expression, confused. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is... out of the question," Bella choked.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after-"

Bella interrupted me, "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" She asked, "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned and a snarl began building in my chest. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria is going to die. Soon." I snarled her name out.

"Let's not be hasty maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

My eyes narrowed and I nodded. "Its true .The werewolves are a problem."

Bella snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

I was about to say something, but then changed my mind. Instead my teeth clicked together and I spoke through them, "Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seam like such and inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about second greatest?" She hedged.

"All right," I agreed, suspicious.

She paused, thought and then said, "There are others after me," She reminded my in a small voice.

I sighed. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?"

"You don't seem upset about it," She noted.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again." I added lightly.

Bella looked at me horror-struck.

"You don't have to be afraid," I said, anxious because fresh tears had formed in her eyes. "I won't let them hurt you."

"While you're here."

I placed my hands around her face, holding it there do keep eyesight. "I will never leave you again."

"But you said thirty," Bella whispered, and the tears leaked over. "What? You're going to let me get all old anyway? Right?"

My eyes softened, while my mouth went into a hard line, "That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choices have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really..." Bella started, but stopped and thought again.

"Yes?" I asked after awhile.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? You grandmother?" She spoke, remembering something.

My face softened, and I brushed the tears from her cheek with my lips. "That doesn't mean anything to me, you will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course..." What if she wanted something more? Children? Someone to be with, completely? "If you outgrew me-if you wanted something more-I would understand that, Bella, I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" Bella demanded. I'd already thought it all through, and she knew I couldn't live in a world where she didn't exist.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can." I promised.

"That is seriously... sick." She was right, but I had no other choice.

"Bella, it's the only right way left-" I started but Bella interrupted me.

"Let's just back up for a minute, you do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty, do you really think they'll forget?"

"No," I answered, shaking my head. "They won't forget. But..."

"But?"

I grinned and Bella stared at me warily.

"I have a few plans."

"And these plans. These plan all center around me staying human." Bella said, her voice getting more acidic with every word.

My expression hardened at her words. "Naturally." My tone was brusque. And I was being arrogant.

We glowered at each other for a while until Bella took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and pushed my arms away. Didn't she want me close anymore?

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked, and her heart fluttered.

"No. I'm leaving."

I watched her climb out of bed, and trip over everything in her way of her shoes, suspiciously.

"May I ask where you are going?"

"I'm going to your house," She told me whilst still looking for her other shoe, which I had just noticed.

I got up and went to her side, after picking up her tatty tennis shoe. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?" I asked curious, if she used the truck it would wake Charlie.

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie."

"I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?" She was in trouble, but I was in more.

"None. He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here." I suggested.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," Bella encouraged, teasingly, and headed for the door.

I was there before her and blocked her exit.

She frowned, and turned for the window.

"Okay. I'll give you a ride." I sighed.

Bella shrugged. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too."

"And why is that?" I asked.

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

"My view on which subject?" I asked through my teeth, knowing it was about Bella's mortality.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say." This hurt, because I didn't think being human was stupid, and that Bella thought I was center of the universe...

"A say in what?" I asked, again, checking if I was actually right.

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

A/N - I think I messed this up, sorry if I have.

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