'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away ;;
After the baseball game, things were noticeably different in the Swan household. Jasper was someone who was more than welcome in it. Since the game, Charlie had permitted the Cullen boy back in the house whenever he wanted without the usual questioning. One night, the two of them even went out into the backyard to throw the baseball around with one another. It was a welcomed change and one that could not have made Bella any happier. The trip to the Mariners game might have had a double motive, but while it killed the rift that was between her father and her boyfriend, it also brought father and daughter closer together too. A big part of that had been not just on account of the fact that Bella was 'a natural' on the baseball diamond as Carlisle had put it so affectionately before they all said goodbye, but it had also been for the fact that the chief could see just how much his daughter adored the boy who stole away her heart. In the same sense, he could see firsthand how much Jasper respected her. To any father, that was not only a plus, but it was a necessity.
Because they were able to spend more time together, it wasn't quite as hard to say goodbye whenever they needed to part for some reason. Of course, Bella never liked being away from Jasper, but there were times when it was a necessary thing, such as when he needed to hunt. He'd been careful around her to never let his eyes lose their golden color, a sign that he was very conscious of being safe when he was around her. That had been strongly implemented after the night of the battle when there was no trace of honey in his gaze. Neither of them talked about it for fear of the memories that it might bring up – that was unnecessary. It was just an understanding when he needed to leave to hunt. He usually almost always started doing so during the daytime or the early evening. For both of them, it was more difficult to be separated at night while Bella was sleeping. For her it was about comfort. For Jasper, it was about protection. She felt comforted when he was there beside her and he felt as if he was protecting her while she was the most vulnerable and unable to do so for herself.
Today had been an example of one of these times. After Bella had woken up, Jasper kissed her goodbye and left to hunt. She expected him to be gone until she was getting ready to go to sleep that night. That way he would have been able to get a good day in where he could satiate his thirst. It had been a few days since he'd hunted last and it was for the best that he take care of his needs. She busied herself with mindless chores for the majority of the morning and into the late afternoon. With Charlie at work, she started in on a lasagna bake that would be easy for them to eat when he was home. When it was in the oven, she concentrated on the laundry. She finished all of Charlie's first and set the clothes away in their proper places before doing her own. When she was finished with the dryer, she went to her room to bring put her own things away.
Immediately she dropped the laundry basket, spilling her freshly cleaned clothes all over the floor. They were completely neglected as her eyes widened at the sight that caused the incident. Just having stumbled into her windowsill, she found Jasper in a way she'd never seen him before.
It was easily the most frightening sight of him she would ever remember, far worse than the night that he'd nearly attacked her. His hair was everywhere and he was covered in dirt. Worse… his clothes were soaked through with blood.
Even though she knew better, her first thought was that the blood was his own and she immediately crossed the room to him, nearly tripping over the basket. Regaining her balance, she started pawing at his shirt, looking for the source of the wounds.
"Jasper?" she questioned frantically. "What happened? Are you hurt?" she asked, continuing to move her hands all over his chest. But it wasn't torn. His shirt was perfect if not for dirty and ruined with angry red.
A second later, she realized that he wasn't injured. Of course he wasn't injured. If he were, there would be no blood.
"Jas, what happened?" she urged, her brown eyes wide with a steady mix of confusion and concern.
It had been a long time since he'd slipped and fallen.
That wasn't to say Jasper hadn't had a few close calls. Bella's eighteenth birthday party, and when he'd attacked her the day of the battle with the newborns were just two examples. Before they'd met Bella he'd had a couple of close calls as well. But it had been several, several years since he'd actually made the fatal mistake of feeding on a human being. Those slip ups usually resulted in them moving to start over somewhere new. He didn't want that to happen ever again, but unfortunately the future of the Cullens stability in Forks had been threatened.
The day started out like any other in which he was intending to go hunting. Jasper had left Bella's house with the intent of returning before the night hour drew too late. He made the journey outside of Forks to the wooded area in which he and his family liked to hunt. There was not much of a burn in his throat at that point; he did not let himself go thirsty anymore. Still, it was enough that he was in need of a quick fix. Things did not go accordingly, however.
It was very strange, how the events all fell into place. Jasper had gone into the woods, but he hadn't made it very far when he came upon a human male. This young man was, unbeknownst to Jasper, a drug dealer. He'd been hiding out in this area in order to sift through his supplies before leaving to fill a sale. Jasper, unfortunately, was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The human male grew very angry when Jasper stumbled upon him. He accused Jasper of being someone he wasn't, someone who had come looking for drugs without the intent to pay. It was a rare occasion when Jasper spoke to a human (save for Bella - and now Charlie, too). However he felt there was no choice in the matter this time. He had to speak. He'd tried to explain he had no interest in the man or what he was doing. That he'd just be on his way, and never speak of this encounter to anyone.
This was not good enough for the drug dealer. He rose and came at Jasper, swinging. Jasper tried to avoid him, but the man wouldn't let up. It seemed all he could do was run away, avoid him and take off running as fast as he could to get away from him. As he evaded another swing, however, the man lost his balance and fell forward, hitting a rock as he fell down. It split open his forehead and he'd scraped his arms and knees on the ground when he fell.
The blood that seeped from his wounds was too much for Jasper.
Immediately, his body took over, the thirst becoming ever-so-prominent. His throat burned and his animalistic instincts elevated. Jasper couldn't stop himself. He lunged at the man and before he could even register what he was doing, Jasper sunk his teeth into the man's neck. He drank. And drank. The man screamed and writhed in pain as the venom spread and filled the place of his blood. It was only momentary, however, because it did not take long for the venom and the lack of blood to kill the human. Even when he felt him take his last breath, Jasper did not let up. He didn't stop drinking until he'd drained him, and after that he lapped up any stray bits of blood that had spilled from his wounds. As he satiated his thirst, his eyes started to change. Just as he was draining the blood from the man, it seemed that it was spilling slowly into his eyes. Replacing the golden hue was a deep crimson, filling his irises with a frightening red.
This was not the first time that such a thing had happened. Jasper had killed his fair share of humans, countless even, over the course of his vampiric life. That didn't make it easy for him, though. He always suffered from severe depression afterwards, depending on how his victims were feeling as they died and when they took their final breaths. Sometimes the effects did not hit him right away, but when they did, they were crippling. That was the case on this occasion. He didn't feel all the pain and fear, remorse and sadness right away. He panicked, yes, because after he'd fed and the initial high that came from feeding, he realized what he'd done. The unthinkable. He'd put the entire family in jeopardy by breaking the treaty that the Cullens had with the wolves. Not only that. He'd let everyone down. He'd surely disappointed Carlisle. He'd killed someone. He was a murderer again. He was a monster.
A monster.
Jasper wasn't sure how he made it back to Bella's. Somehow, though, he'd made the journey and found himself crawling through her window. It was then that he lost it. Being surrounded by her familiar scent, knowing what he'd done, was too much for him. All the emotions that had been creeping up on him suddenly set in and he couldn't even stand anymore. He dropped to the floor and the pain started. It consumed him, wrapping around him forcefully as if he was being tied down and restrained. He felt his victim's pain, his remorse. He felt his guilt for all the evils he'd committed in his life. He felt his anger at dying before it was truly supposed to be his time, his anger at Jasper for being the one to kill him. Jasper wanted to scream, but the pain was too much for him to even open his mouth. He just writhed on the floor, trying his best (though in vain) to overcome it.
He needed Bella. He needed her. And yet at the same time, he felt horrible for bringing this to her. He would have to admit what he'd done, and he was terrified she would hate him, be disappointed in him, turn him away. He wouldn't blame her for any of those things, but that didn't mean he could handle it if it happened.
When she came in, he barely heard her. The pain was literally ringing in his ears. He could smell and see her more clearly, though. All his senses were heightened to a degree even more intensely than they usually were. Human blood had that effect. He could not fight her off as she examined him, as his limbs were too heavy for him to move. All he wanted to do was cry. To curl up, disappear, and never surface again. He couldn't hide his despair, and knew that probably everyone within a mile radius could probably feel it due to its extreme intensity.
"I didn't mean to," he sobbed, unable to look at her. He didn't want her to see his eyes. He couldn't bear to look at her with those red, evil eyes; the proof of his sins.
"I... I-I.. I.." he couldn't speak anymore. His voice hitched and he started sobbing again.
The grief Jasper had been enduring was unlike anything Bella had ever felt coming from him before. The times that had come to the closest in comparison were when Bella told Jasper the truth about what happened in Volterra after finding him in the cemetery unexpectedly. The second time had been more recently when Rosalie so cruelly left Alice's wedding dress in Jasper's room for him to find. It was something that had been done in spite, but it caused the reaction she'd been counting on. Grief. Regret. Such were things she could feel coming from him now, but they were so small, it was as if all of his emotions were concentrated to contain such strength. The sorrow was at the center and it felt, even to Bella, like it was a punch in the stomach, taking away all of her other senses.
His body was shaking so much she could hardly hold onto him. The sobs leaving his lips ripped her apart each time they were sounded. If he was capable of shedding tears, Bella knew they would have been flowing easily under the circumstances. Because of his sobs, she couldn't understand what he was saying. He was stuttering over his words and it was making it hard for her to stay calm when her levels of concern were growing.
"Shh, Jas. Jasper..." she whispered soothingly, trying to get him to calm down long enough to at least explain to her what had happened to him.
And then at all once, Bella understood.
She put two and two together and she figured out the horrible answer to the equation. His grief, his panic, everything he was feeling in addition to his appearance, and she wondered why she hadn't understood it sooner. His words were pushing her in the direction of the conclusion and the final puzzle piece was in the way he seemed to refuse to look at her. She was on the floor with him, holding him when she dipped her head and lifted his chin with one of her hands in order to see for herself. There was the answer. It was painted in red. For a moment, she was stunned into being still. She didn't know how to react to the truth about the situation. The last thing that she expected to happen that day, did and now it was encompassing the two of them.
But a moment was all that Bella could have afforded to stare. "Jasper," she said, raising her voice to be serious. "Jasper, you need to tell me what happened," she said, fixing her hands on his shoulders and shaking him gently to try and get him to come around and give her some answers.
"Look at me," she said, an edge to her tone that was never usually present in her everyday conversation. "You need to tell me. Where?"
This had not happened in several years. He'd had his moments, but his family had always been there to stop him, to intervene, to keep him from slipping and falling into such a deep despair and depression. He had not tasted human blood in so long; but he hadn't forgotten the effects it had on him. He was stronger, his senses were heightened to a degree than no amount of animal blood in his system could surpass. The taste was strikingly different as well. With animal blood, the burning in his throat was still usually there to an extent. His throat did not burn at all right now. He felt satiated, but he could not even enjoy it due to the extreme pain that was radiating from his heart.
Jasper could not move. He literally could not stand, could not lift himself up. The pain was too intense. He could barely think, let alone speak. As Bella tried to reach him, Jasper could hardly hear her voice. Words were not registering. He tried to fight her when she shook him and tried to lift his head. He didn't want her to see, but he also was too weak from the pain to stop her from moving him. He felt so ashamed; even more than when he'd almost killed her. He was still dry-sobbing when she looked into his red eyes and assessed what had happened. He could feel her fear, her shock over the situation.
She wanted answers. Jasper didn't know how to give them to her. How could he, when he couldn't even speak? He didn't know what to do, and that sent him into even more of a panic. His eyes darted back and forth frantically, as if he was trying to figure out how to answer her, searching for what would give her the answers she needed. His shoulders shook as he was still crying, clutching at his own shirt because he feared if he touched her now he might crush her from holding onto her too tight. He shook his head quickly, because he didn't think he could speak. He certainly wouldn't be able to recount what happened. It was too hard, and too much for him right now.
When she demanded he look at her, he noticed the tone of her voice and knew she was trying to take control of the situation. Jasper was scared, opening his mouth to speak and no words came out, only more sobs. He was trying to mouth the words, trying to vocalize to her where he'd been.
"I.. I was.. I was just on our.. hunting trail.. Humans.. they never go there.. until today." He wasn't sure how he found the strength to speak. It must have been Bella's support that got him talking, but even that was short lived. He looked down again and the crying resumed.
"It.. I-it hurts.. so much."
Suddenly time felt like it was moving all too quickly.
Jasper's actions were more dangerous than they appeared just on the surface. A human was dead, yes, but that was the least of their problems. Jasper's safety and the safety of the rest of his family were extremely compromised by his moment of weakness. Damage control needed to be put in order and Bella vowed to be the one to do it. She might not have been able to always help as much as she wanted to when it came to preventing serious matters that were exemplified by their different worlds. But this was something that she could do. She could help in this situation.
And she would. She would step up to the plate and be brave, the one to take care of Jasper for a change when he was always, always looking after her and keeping her safe. In doing so, she could protect his family. They always risked so much in order to bend the rules for her. This was the chance she had to pay them all back for it.
The biggest cause for concern was the treaty. By taking a human life, Jasper broke the vampire's treaty with the wolves. Considering tensions had been high between the two parties in the past two years especially, there would certainly be no hope of forgiveness on the part of the wolves. If they learned about what happened, they would not have hesitated to attack and that could have had the potential to be extremely dangerous. Not only would a fight ensue, but the Cullens would be forced to leave again. She'd lost them all once and Bella was not about to stand for it happening again. That was why it was vital that she not only find out the information about where and when the mishap occurred, but that she also get Jasper as far away as possible as quickly as she could.
It was so heartbreaking to see him like this, so helpless. He looked like a lost child who was so ashamed. It literally hurt her to see and it hurt even worse when he claimed how badly he was hurting. But she didn't have time to wallow in her own negative feelings. Jasper's were what mattered. It was strange how much adrenaline could change a person. Bella, someone usually clumsy and who grew frantic when a bad situation first presented itself had her head firmly on her shoulders.
"Listen," she said, squeezing Jasper's shoulders. "We're leaving. You and me. We're leaving. Right now. We're going away until this is taken care of," she said. Her tone was firm and even, serious. She wouldn't expect Jasper to do much considering how weakened he was, nor would she ask him to. All she needed him to do was to cooperate with her. "Trust me," she said. "Can you do that? Can you just trust me?"
She cupped his cheeks in her hands and gently brushed her fingers through his hair leaning forward to kiss his forehead softly, but she didn't wait for him to answer either way before she was on her feet. Opening her closet, she jumped to reach a duffle bag on her closet shelf. Immediately she started stuffing handfuls of clothes from the laundry basket inside, not even paying attention to what exactly she was taking. It would be good enough.
"I'll be right back," she said. Hurrying to the bathroom, she frantically threw in the supplies she would need into the bag. She didn't want to leave him alone for long. When she came back, she reached for his hand, putting all of her weight into helping him stand. She wrapped one of his arms around her shoulders and had her arm around his back for support.
"Come on," she said. "Let's go. We're going," she promised him. "You have to walk with me, Jasper."
Bella didn't let go of him until they got to her truck. On the way out, she debated grabbing one of Charlie's coats to put over his bloodstained clothes, but she decided against it. The smell might have overwhelmed him with his senses so heightened right now. She didn't want to risk upsetting him. He would have to change later, but they didn't have time for it now. When they got to her truck, she tossed her duffel bag in the back and moved to open the passenger side door for him. Helping him inside, she closed the door before rushing over to the driver's side and climbing into the cab. Before she turned the key, however, she faced him again, moving closer just for a moment.
"It's going to be fine, Jas," she said, her voice still firm, but softened. It was a promise. Stroking her fingers against his cheek, she leaned in and touched her lips to his. That was an even better promise. It also helped to show him that she wasn't afraid of him. Any fear she felt was concerning his safety, not what he'd done.
It was all the strength she had to keep moving though. She really just wanted to comfort him, to take him in her arms and hold him until he stopped shaking, until his sobs subsided. She wanted to kiss the tears that couldn't fall and hold onto his heart to keep it in tact. And she would. She would do all of those things. But for now, she needed to get moving.
Sliding back over, she started the truck and started off toward the glass house on the far side of town. One of her hands stayed in his to give him as much comfort as she could for the time being. But as they got closer to the house, she had to let go in favor of making a phone call. When Carlisle's voice sounded, she hardly gave the doctor a chance to even speak.
"Carlisle, we're coming to the house. There's been an accident. Jasper… We're on our way. I'm getting him out of here. You need to go take care of the body before anyone comes across it," she said before anything else. "The hunting path. It's on the hunting path," she said. Bella knew she didn't have to actually say the words about what had happened. He would understand it now. "The wolves," she reminded him. "It has to be covered up," she said. "We'll be there in a minute. Can you please ask Esme to get some of his things packed? Please?" she asked, the only hint of her resolve slipping in the way she begged. She was just so concerned about getting Jasper to safety and she knew she needed some help.
Dr. Cullen was waiting by the door when Bella's truck pulled up. She gave Jasper's hand a squeeze before she jumped out of the truck. Esme was already pushing past her husband to bring the bag outside.
"Oh," she said, her beautiful face stricken with horror when she could feel her son's sadness. Bella didn't take the bag first. Instead, she was staring in horror at Carlisle. "I thought… Carlisle… the body," she said. He held his hand up to calm her.
"Emmett and Rose both went to take care of it. I have full faith in them," he explained. The brunette nodded and started to move inside the house.
"The keys to his car," she said, looking around for the set to Annabelle. "I'm afraid my truck won't make it. I can't risk something happening to it when we're-"
"Bella…"
"And it doesn't get good mileage, I know. And I don't know if it can handle some of the roads up by-"
"Bella." Carlisle's voice was firm. "I don't think it would be the best idea for you to be alone with Jasper right now. His senses are significantly altered. He won't be able to keep control of himself as well as he normally can. Even around you. Especially-"
"Carlisle, please," she begged, the pleading in her tone back in full force. "You have to trust me. I- I need to do this. I can't…" she paused, shaking her head. "I can't lose him. I can help this time. I can protect him," she said. "I can do this. If- if you go, it will look suspicious. Please," she said. "I know he won't hurt me. I know I'm not in danger. But… he is," she said.
The doctor stared at her for a moment in awe of both her bravery and her resolve. But more than that, of her intent to protect his son. And to protect the rest of the family. "Here," he said, reaching into his pocket and handing her a set of keys. "Take mine." Before she could protest, he shook his head. "It's faster and it's more private. You'll need that right now," he explained.
Bella nodded, the expression showing her gratitude. When the two of them were outside again, Esme had already helped Jasper out of the truck and was moving him toward Carlisle's car, having heard the exchange between her husband and Bella inside the house. When they'll all gotten him situated in the car, along with both of their bags, Esme hugged her tightly.
"Take care of him, Bella," she pleaded. The brunette squeezed her back and nodded again to both of them, promising she would.
After that, it was quiet. They were on the road and though Bella was nervous about driving Carlisle's car, she was more nervous about Jasper's health and well being. She wished she could have held his hand again, but she couldn't take either off of the wheel for fear that her ill knowledge of driving the car would cause an accident. That was the last thing they needed.
"It'll be all right," she promised him again once they were out of Forks. "I promise, Jasper."
Jasper was barely able to function. He was so consumed with grief and the pain that he felt that he couldn't focus on much else. Basic motions like walking, which he normally did with such ease and grace, were foreign to him. He couldn't even stand without Bella having to help lift him. Knowing that made him feel even more shameful. She shouldn't have to take care of him like this, but he'd gone to her, not to his parents. He only wanted her, only wanted to be near her. He needed her, and no one else. But how could he impose this on her? It wasn't fair; she shouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of his mistakes. This was his burden, and to him, he deserved to feel every bit of pain that was torturing him at the present. He'd committed the most ruthless sin, and this personal hell was one he deserved to burn in. Bella should not have been subjected to it.
He couldn't fight her, though. Jasper stood up with her help, but he had to lean on her almost the entire way to the truck. He wasn't sure how she managed to support him, but adrenaline could do wondrous things to the human body, it seemed. Such thoughts weren't really able to process in his head, however, due to his grief. Somehow he ended up in the passenger side of her truck, and he curled up in a ball. He was barely able to move his lips against hers when she kissed him, only because they instinctively responded to hers from his love, deeply rooted within his heart. The entire ride to the Cullen house was a painful one. He was suffering, going through all the emotions of his victim as well as his own grief and remorse from having killed him. When they arrived, he couldn't even get out of the truck. He'd heard Bella speaking on her phone, but the words went in one ear and out the other. He couldn't look at Carlisle or Esme; he was too ashamed to face his parents after what he'd done. He'd put the entire family in jeopardy, and broken a treaty that was over half of a century old.
He curled up tighter in the truck while Bella and Carlisle spoke, until he heard his door being opened. Esme was right there, and she embraced her son. Jasper broke down again, having wanted her to shun him, yell at him, anything but bestow her love and kindness on him like that. It just made it worse, even though he wanted to cling to that comfort and compassion. Her arms were around him and Jasper realized that there truly was nothing like a mother's love. He could feel it coming from her, combating with the pain. Just like with Bella, he was able to move with her support. He made it out of the truck, and with her help they moved into Carlisle's car. Jasper cried against his mother, apologizing again and again between his sobs. It broke Esme's heart and she very nearly began to cry as well. But she held it together, and gently brushed his curls from his eyes. She cursed herself for not having anything to wipe the dried blood off his face, as any mother would wipe chocolate or dirt off their child. Once he was safely in the car, she moved back and with a heavy heart, she closed the door and returned to Carlisle's side. As the black car sped off, Esme turned into Carlisle and started to cry. The good doctor embraced his wife sadly, and had he been able to shed tears, he would have, too.
The entire ride out of Forks and beyond, Jasper was clearly in physical pain. His body was tense, every muscle flexed and rigid. He was trying to hold in it, to not alert her to how much he was hurting physically, but there were moments when he couldn't help but yelp, like a wounded animal. He did not dare reach for her, because he could feel her fear and nervousness from driving the car. Jasper also did not feel he deserved her comfort, even though he desperately needed it. He curled up tighter in the seat, trying to keep the pain in, squeezing his eyes shut and clutching at his bloodstained clothes.
"I-I'm.. I'm.. sorry.." he managed to gasp out, holding his head in his hands.
"Shh," she whispered, shaking her head. "No. Don't apologize," she assured him.
It was tough to decide what was best for Jasper. Bella could feel his pain, despite how hard he may have been trying to hide it. It was tangible in the car. She wrestled with the idea of pulling the car over. There were benefits and costs to going through with it and continuing on the road until they reached the cabin. If she stopped, it would be difficult to say where. She wasn't familiar with the roads and it wasn't as if the two of them could just pull into a hotel somewhere. There was a risk that Jasper would be seen and with his face and clothes covers in blood, it wasn't something that would bode well. She couldn't just pull over on the side of the highway either. That would have drawn even more attention to themselves. Fearing that she would get lost if she tried to go somewhere more discreet or remote, she ultimately decided that it wasn't the best idea. In that case, she pressed her foot a little harder to the gas to make the car go faster.
But she couldn't bear him to be hurting so much. Not only hurting, but not being comforted properly. She vowed she would make up for that as soon as they got to the cabin and she could take care of him safely, but for now, Bella was desperate for something she could do. Steadying her left hand on the wheel, she drove the car for a few miles with one hand to get a feel for it. When she was confident enough that she would be all right to do so, she let her right hand search out his again. Warm touched cold and she laced their fingers together, pressing her palm against his. It wasn't much, but it was something that she could do in order to let him know that she was with him, that he wasn't alone in all of this. It was the least she could do, though, she wished she could have done so much more.
It didn't seem like it was helping matters much in any case. When she looked over at him, her heart broke. He looked so small and uncharacteristically helpless. It wasn't the Jasper she was used to seeing, one who was so stoic and collected most of the time. He had a level head and was someone who people looked to in time of crisis. Bella usually did. But the roles were flipped now and all she could do was try to comfort him, try to help him through a tough time like he so often did for her. When she was more comfortable driving with one hand, she turned on the cruise control on the car, thankful that it wasn't too difficult to control. When she could relax her legs, she let go of his hand and rubbed his arm gently for a moment. Then, she pulled up the armrest between them.
"C'mere," she said softly. "Lay your head down," she said, patting her leg.
She knew it wouldn't be horribly comfortable for him to be leaning over, but if he did, Bella knew a better way of soothing him for the time being. She knew how much Jasper relaxed when she played with his hair and so that is exactly what she did. The curls were messy, but her fingers were gentle as they threaded through them. The pads of her fingers and her nails softly massaged his scalp in soothing circles. Occasionally, she would make a soft sound to let him know that she was still with him, or else a quiet whisper that they would be at the cabin soon, but mainly it was quiet.
Jasper had no idea where they were going. He wasn't coherent enough at the moment to really soak in their surroundings. For all he knew they were driving across the country. Of course, he also wasn't really even paying attention to the drive. He was focusing all his energy on not vocalizing how much he was hurting all over. He knew from the past that it always got much worse before it got better, and he also knew that the next several hours at least were going to be extremely painful and rough. Between the depression, self-loathing, physical and emotional pain he was going through now and would continue to do so for quite a long time, Bella was in for a long night, possibly the next few days.
He hated this part of his power. While there were times when being able to feel what others were feeling could be very useful and beneficial to him and the family, this aspect of his power was one that he truly could have lived without. It made him wish he had not been given such an extraordinary gift upon his transformation. Though, he supposed had he not been gifted with it, Maria would have no doubt killed him after he'd lost his newborn strength. In any case, he hated it, and hated himself for being so weak that he was having to endure it now, and everyone he cared about was hurt as a result.
This was not Jasper. He was strong, reserved, seemingly aloof in his mannerisms. For him to have a nervous break down was so uncharacteristic; he was the militaristic, stoic, pillar of strength. He was the one the others looked to in times of crisis; he was not the source of the panic, the fear. Yet, did it not make sense for him to be so emotional? He was an Empath; for him to be stoic seemed wrong. For him to be able to feel so much and even manipulate the emotions of those around him, why shouldn't he be prone to getting emotional? Why didn't he break down more often? Because he couldn't. He'd defined himself to be that strong pillar, to be calm as much as he could and block out most of the emotions he felt from others. If he let himself be consumed by them, he'd go insane. But because he did block everything out so much, when he did break down, the pain was amplified and unbearable.
It was all he could do not to scream out. His heart felt like it was going to explode from all the hurtful emotions running through it. Every muscle in his body had locked up, and all of his limbs were tense. Jasper could feel Bella's soothing touch, and it helped, but there wasn't much anyone could do for him until this passed on its own. This mad had a lot of hate within him before he died. Hate was the most painful emotion to have to experience. Jasper let her lure him over to lay his head in her lap, though he felt guilty for doing so. He also feared he'd jerk involuntarily and cause her to lose control of the car, but he'd lock his limbs and make sure he did not do that. The idea of her running her hands through his hair was a comfort he simply could not refuse.
He laid his head in her lap slowly, though he was still curled up on the seat. The awkward positioning did not affect him. Jasper could be comfortable anywhere due to being a vampire. But, because of the extreme amount of pain he was in, there would be no difference in cramming himself in the front seat of the car and laying down, stretched out on a plush, soft bed. He closed his eyes as he felt her fingers start to run slowly through his honey blond curls, and the pads of her fingers massaging his tender scalp. He felt so vulnerable, and he hated that. He always wanted to be strong for Bella, to be her strength when she needed him. And yet, having her there to comfort him truly was the only thing keeping him quiet, keeping him still, keeping him from going mad. He needed her now more than he ever had before, but admitting that was something he was struggling with. Bella should not have this weight on her shoulders. She'd had to deal with enough because of him.
It seemed liked her soothing motions were helping somewhat. Or maybe that had just been wishful thinking on Bella's part. She could still feel so much pain coming from him, especially when she was physically touching him. She would have given anything to be able to take it all away. It would have been much better suited on herself. He didn't do anything wrong. She was sure of that. It was in his nature to kill and if that was what transpired, he couldn't blame himself. It was how he was designed. The Cullen family went against the grain in choosing not to feed on human blood, but that did not mean that they weren't still programmed to do just that. It was natural, and instinct. Instincts could not always be controlled, no matter how long a practice had been in place for years to contradict it. Because Jasper was raised as a vampire under direction of a heartless soul like Maria, he was never given another option of learning any other way of life. That made it a lot more difficult for him to adjust. Everyone knew and understood that. But they all also knew how much he hated that he struggled so much.
Bella's biggest fear was that his spirit would be broken as a result. She loved that spirit in him, his soul. She worried that he might not be able to recover from this judging by the emotions she felt coming through him now. But she refused to think negatively. She refused to give up before they tried to overcome this obstacle. They had overcome many thus far in their relationship and she hoped that this would follow that same pattern. She, for one, would vow to do everything she could have in order to get them back to where they needed to be, where Jasper felt like himself again, where he wasn't going to constantly degrade and belittle himself because of one mistake. That wouldn't be easy as Bella was coming to learn firsthand, but she would never give up.
It was a couple more hours until they reached their destination. Bella had to call Charlie during that timeframe to explain to him why he wouldn't find her at the house. She expected to get yelled out, that he demand she turn around right now from wherever she was and blame Jasper for the whole thing. But it didn't go that way. Obviously she didn't tell him the full truth, but Bella was still honest. She simply said that Jasper was having a tough time and needed to get away for a little while. She didn't know if it was because of the seriousness and the worry in her tone or because of the fact that her father came to respect the blond boy, but Charlie didn't press the issue. He was hesitant of course, but in the end he just asked that she call him frequently and keep him aware of when she planned on coming home and to be safe. Bella thanked him and genuinely was grateful for his understanding. It was one less thing to be concerned with, though in truth, it would have made no difference however Charlie responded to the news of them leaving together.
Carlisle had also called her while they were driving to ensure that the body had been taken care of and everything was covered up. He also told her that he himself had been keeping an eye on the line between the reservation and Forks and assured her that nothing seemed amiss and that the pack was at bay and seemingly unaware of any danger that had occurred. That filled her with relief and she reported the news back to Jasper. She hoped it would be a small comfort to him to at least know he was in no danger of anyone else ever finding out. But Bella knew it would take a lot more than that news to reverse the hurt and shame he felt, that she could feel so strongly radiating off of him.
It was amazing that she remembered the way to the cabin. The exit was clear, but she worried she wouldn't know the way from there. But effortlessly, she navigated the route as if the car knew where it was going on its own. She attributed to luck, but wondered if fate was trying to help them. It would take a lot of help for certain and she would accept any she could get. She leaned down to kiss his temple before letting him sit up. Collecting their bags, she slung them over her shoulder and then helped Jasper out of the car. She supported him as they moved inside and helped him to get up the stairs, pausing so they could get their shoes off at the bottom. She led him into the bathroom then and let go only to turn on the shower and test the water temperature. When it was warm enough, she didn't bother with either of their clothes before pulling him inside.
When he was under the steady stream of warm water, she reached up to gently wash the dried blood from his face. As the red trailed down his skin and pooled at the bottom of the shower near the drain as it washed from his clothing as well, she started to undress him. She removed his shirt and left it lay near their feet. Her fingers softly ran over his chest, following the warm water until she reached his pants. When the rest of his clothes were off, she quietly removed her own. Her hands moved to his face and his neck again, cleansing the skin of dirt until it was pale and flawless as usual. After that, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his naked body, pressing herself to him as she pulled him into an embrace.
She didn't care how long they would stay like that, but she was willing to never move. Not until he could release some of the pain he was feeling.
For the duration of the rest of the ride, Jasper laid with his head in Bella's lap. He did not speak again and tried his best not to make any sound at all. He knew Bella was worried about him and no doubt she was feeling most of the pain and despair that was plaguing his very existence. He didn't want to make it worse for her than it already was. He also found that if he laid perfectly still, the physical pain wasn't quite so unbearable. He just tried to focus on her fingers running through his hair and the patterns she was tracing on his scalp.
It was true, what Jasper had done was not actually an abnormal thing in his world. What the Cullens did was the abnormality. Vampires fed on human blood; that was how it had been since the creation of their kind. Even the legends about vampires always spoke of them hunting humans and claiming them as their prey. There were none, as far as he knew, that consisted of vampires drinking the blood of animals. Unless, of course, one listened to the Quileute legends. Carlisle's methods were unorthodox; they went against the very nature of their species. Jasper, of course, had been raised to feed on humans. More than that, he was raised to kill them brutally. When he was with Maria, he was not often plagued by the pain, because he had no moral conscience to speak of. He was so consumed with rage and hate that feeling that from his victims was nothing to him. It was not until decades later when he began to grow tired of Maria's ways that he actually started to feel remorse. From there, the pain was soon to follow. It had been that way ever since.
After leaving Maria, Jasper would starve himself for as long as he could before having to feed. It was torturous because his need for blood was so very strong, but he hated to have to feed because it just caused him more grief and pain. There was no winning in the situation; either way he was in pain. When he began using Carlisle's method, he realized this was a way for him to ease his thirst, but he still wasn't ever satisfied after the hunt. Jasper had fallen a few times here and there, and had even isolated himself and only recently began attending school. It wasn't easy for him to adapt, and clearly he still hadn't conquered his natural instinct to crave human blood. That had been evident in his attacks on Bella, and of course killing that man. No matter how hard he tried, Jasper had come to accept he would always be the weakest in his family.
He leaned on Bella as she guided him out of the car and helped him into the cabin. The cabin. It was a place that held so many memories for them. It was unfortunate that Jasper couldn't rejoice in them upon entering. But still, all he could do was lean on her and try to keep his feet moving so he could walk. She led him to the bathroom and after running the shower, they both stepped in. He felt the water immediately pouring down on him, washing away the crimson blood that had stained his otherwise pristine face and his clothing. Before he knew it, she was undressing both him and herself, and Jasper did nothing to stop that. When her arms slid around his neck and she pressed up against him, Jasper instinctively held onto her. He did not clutch her too tightly, but he did have a bit of a grip on her. He hid his face in her hair and neck, and started to cry again.
There was a flicker of fear in Bella when he started to cry again. She thought that the hot water of the shower and the erasing of the dirt and blood from his body would help to ease his pain, even just a little bit. But when he held onto her and buried his face in her hair, she worried that she was wrong.
That fear only lasted a few moments until she came to the conclusion that it was likely for things to get worse before they got better. He needed to grieve about what he did and unleash the emotions that he'd been holding in so tightly when they were driving. Here, they were safe. This was a little haven for the two of them and it was true that the cabin held such beautiful memories. It was a good place for Jasper to relax enough to be able to express what he was feeling freely and openly. There was no longer a need to hide. They were hundreds of miles away from home and the place where the incident had taken place. They first part to helping Jasper cope had been to get him to this safety and ensure that such was far, far away.
Now that she had, it was time to focus on letting him simply feel. He had to feel all the negative emotions before positive ones could be able to replace them. She would be there as he experienced both. It gave her hope, though, when he held onto her. He wasn't pushing her away. He wasn't claiming that he needed to be alone or handle this by himself. He was allowing her to take care of him and to Bella, that meant a lot. It showed how much he trusted her, especially when he was feeling at his weakest. He'd come to her house before any other after the incident in the woods. That spoke volumes about how much they depended on one another at that point in their relationship.
When he broke down, Bella only held him tighter. One of her arms wrapped securely around his lower back and the other gently trailed up and down the length of his spine in a gentle, soothing pattern, tracing the water as it followed the same line. She hoped the temperature of the water would help to relax his muscles at lease. Even though his skin felt like sheet glass as it normally did, she could tell that his body was tense. She still didn't speak, but there was still no need. He knew she was there for him. Bella didn't have to use words just then. Neither did he. For now, she continued to rub his back and kiss the side of his head.
Jasper had never forgotten the devastating effects that would take their toll on his body after he fed on a human. He'd slipped with Bella a few times, but by some miracle he'd managed to be caught before he truly fell. This was not by his own doing. The first time, his family had been the ones to pick him up and pull him back. The second time, it was Jacob Black who shoved him back onto his feet before his family reined him in again. But this time, there had been no one there to catch him as he slipped, and he fell. He fell hard. It was proof to him that he wasn't as strong as he thought he'd become. He was unable to catch himself; he still needed to depend on others to do it, and that crushed his spirit. Not even the memory and knowledge of what it did to him after he fed could prevent him from submitting to his lust for blood. He felt so weak, so worthless.
A lot of his depression came from the effects of his kill. He didn't truly hate himself nearly as much as he had when he'd lunged at Bella the last time. While he was ashamed and down on himself for committing the sin of murder, he still did not hold that in the same regard as attacking someone he loved. He was regaining a bit more of his rational thought now, rather than just extreme physical and emotional pain. That was starting to subside, allowing him some sort of coherency. He knew where he was, now. It registered in his mind that they'd gotten out of Forks. The shame was starting to become more prominent, rather than just despair. He felt so horrible for what he'd done, all the grief he'd caused his family and Bella.
One thing he didn't know, was how much time had passed. Having only a vague concept of time anyway, in his state of mind he really didn't know how long it had been since they left Forks, or even how long they'd been in the shower. All the blood had been washed away from his skin and no longer matted the front portion of his curls. There was no sign of it pooling around the drain. Everything looked pristine again. Jasper only wished the pain and shame could be washed away so easily. He didn't deserve this. His family should have left the body, left him to the wolves. Bella should not have been forced to take him away, to have to spend her time trying to comfort him and make him feel better. Why should anyone help a murderer like him? He wasn't worth it. A hopeless case like him, truly was not worth all of this effort.
The tension in his muscles did begin to subside after she began to caress his back. Her presence was a comfort to him, truly, though he was still feeling very unworthy of it. The only reason he did not protest was because he was too weak, and he needed her. Jasper removed his hands from her back and slid them up to cup her cheeks. He looked into her eyes, his expression a mix of emotions. There was sorrow, need, shame, sadness, remorse, but also gratitude. His thumb brushed her cheek and he brought his forehead to hers.
"Can we lay down?" He asked. His voice was strained, and the pain was still quite evident. But it would also be evident that his affliction was starting to subside.
It was something that both of them both thought about often: the pros and cons of Jasper's ability. It would seem like most of the actions that had transpired that day had played into the negative side of things. He was feeling so much of that devastation and exuding it to others, that it was difficult to concentrate on any other emotion. That was the worst part of his gift – if he was suffering, he couldn't even conceal it or keep it to himself. That was something that Bella knew Jasper didn't like. He was more of a private person when it came to his emotions. Of course he shared them with her and often spoke aloud how he felt when it was just the two of them. But there was no hiding it when he was feeling anything less than happy.
But at the same time, he could feel the emotions of others. Yes, if the emotions in question were negative as the man's had been before Jasper killed him, then it wouldn't bode well for the Empath. But now, when he was far away from that scene and it was only the two of them, it was a good thing that he could feel Bella's emotion. There would be no question of how she felt.
She was worried yes, and that worry would be present. But that was the smallest one. Fear no longer existed because what she had feared what that the incident wouldn't have been covered up. When Carlisle had called to assure her it had been, fear was crushed with the flip of her cell phone. There was a very small bit of sadness within the mixture. It was very difficult to see the person she loved more than anyone in the world going through something so difficult. The fact that she hadn't been there, to catch him before he fell, made her sad.
The strongest, though, was love. It overpowered everything else, casting shadows on lesser emotions. She didn't have to try to feel it or make attempts to make it most prominent; it simply was. She cared so much about him that to her, he was the most important thing in her life. He was the most important person. When something happened to him, Bella wanted to be the one to take care of him. The love that she encompassed would be unmistakable while doing so. It was impossible to feel anything else enough to overpower it.
As they stood together under the water, she concentrated that feeling onto him. He needed to know how nothing had changed as far as how she felt about him. He might have thought that he was a monster, that he didn't deserve her help or anyone else's, but that wasn't true and Bella would spend the rest of her life trying to convince him of that. If that was how long it would take, then she was all too happy to keep trying for that duration.
She was glad that Jasper seemed to relax somewhat. She could still feel the hurt and the shame coming from him, but she could tell that some improvement had been made. That was what she'd hoped with the shower. If he couldn't see reminders of what happened, it would be easier for him to get past it. When he held her face in his hands and met her eyes, it was certain that he was making progress, however little. He'd done that of his own accord and when he asked if they could lay down, Bella nodded. She reached out to turn the water off and then reached to kiss him once more briefly on his neck.
Her fingers found his and she led him out of the shower. The steam from the heat of it had covered the mirrors to mask either of their reflections. For now, that was probably better. His eyes weren't something that could just be washed away with the shower water. She reached for one of the big fluffy towels that were folded in the cabinet and started to dry him off. She had to reach on her toes to dry his hair, but she managed. She still just wanted to take care of him. When the towel was around his waist, she reached for another to dry herself off, tucking it under her arms when she was finished. Moving to the bedroom, she paused to decide whether or not she should get the two of them dressed. But she decided against it. His request had been for the two of them to lay down and that was what Bella wanted to fulfill.
She waited until he was situated before she curled up beside him, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders in addition to the towel so that she could stay close. Draping an arm across his torso, she laid her head down on his chest, keeping him close to her.
"I love this bed," she said softly as she recalled the memories they had here.
Jasper discovered that walking was a little bit easier by now. His limbs did not feel as weighed down as they initially had when he was so crippled by his pain. He was able to step out of the shower with her help, but did not have to lean on her quite as much in order to stay up on his feet and walk. The bathroom was filled with steam, which had fogged up the mirror over the sink. Even though it was covered, he still would not have looked into it out of habit. Jasper did not care for mirrors anyway; they allowed him to see himself for what he believed he was. It would've been more devastating for him to see himself now, though, with his eyes as red as they were. That would've been a very vivid reminder of how he used to live his life, and he did not want to see that ever again.
With her assistance, Jasper was dried off. He let her secure a towel around his waist. He felt her fingers lace through his and he followed her slowly, carefully so as not to lose his footing, out of the bathroom. It opened up right into the master bedroom, so they didn't have to walk far in order to reach the bed that they would be lying in soon enough. With her guidance, he crossed the room to the bed and eased in with her. He made sure that he tucked enough of the blankets between them so that she wouldn't get too cold. He wouldn't ask her to lay with him too long, especially while they were unclothed and still a bit wet from the shower. It would be too cold for her and he didn't want her to be sick.
When she was laying against him, he closed his eyes and tried to let go of everything that was still weighing him down. Jasper knew from experience and now that he was coherent enough to think that the worst part of this was over. It was just a matter of waiting for the rest of his depression and emotional anguish to pass. What Bella was doing by showing him so much of the love she held for him was making it pass much faster. The best way to combat an emotion like hatred was with love. There was no stronger emotion than the latter, and it could always prevail over everything else. Jasper took in that love, even though he still did not feel worthy of it. He took it in and let it settle within his heart.
Bella's words almost brought a smile to his face. He was still hurting too much for it to be visually expressive, but a hint of the happiness that smile would have shown would be able to be felt. He loved this bed, too. It held so many memories for them, passionate, intimate, happiness, and so many others. This was where they'd first been together as lovers, where they'd given each other all of themselves. He would always cherish this bed, this cabin as a whole. This had been their hideaway from the world, their first sanctuary. They'd gotten so much closer here. Jasper felt like he'd fallen in love with her all over again within these walls, within this bed.
"I love you," he responded, turning his head to rest his lips against the top of her hair. He breathed in her scent, again and again, comforted by it. He closed his eyes again and laid still.
Jasper telling her he loved her was always something that made Bella's heart feel as if it were swelling with warmth. When he said it now, it did that very same thing, but it felt different somehow. Even though it was one of the most difficult things for Jasper to endure, Bella felt closer to him in a way. He was letting her in during all of it. He was allowing her to take care of him and be right there with him, together, instead of running off by himself for awhile and leaving everyone to wonder while he dealt with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was letting her witness his vulnerability and his weaknesses and that, for anyone, was a difficult thing to endure. But even in his tough time, he still told her he loved her. That touched the very center of her heart.
She was glad it was her. She was so glad to be the one to be able to care for him. She imagined that it wasn't something he was that used to. At least in comparison to how it was when he would kill humans on a regular basis when he was with Maria. She didn't comfort him when he made a kill; she praised him. And when he started to feel their emotions, when they started to affect him in a detrimental way, she shunned him for it. She made him feel worthless for experiencing something other than hatred or malice. He wasn't controlled by power; he was controlled by heart. And instead of strengthening his, she ripped it out of his chest with her lack of caring. She led him on and ultimately broke his spirit in the process. Bella could understand why it was so difficult for him to have a slip up. She imagined it might not have had the same effect if his past wasn't so dark.
"I love you too," she said, placing a few soft kisses to his jawline before resting her head back down again. She ran her fingers up and down the length of his arm in a steady pattern until it slowed to a stop. Bella's breathing had slowed in addition and she could tell she was going to lose the fight against sleep. She wanted to badly to spend all night awake with him, fearing that he would feel as if he were alone if she slept while he couldn't. More than anything, she wished that he would have been able to sleep too. It would have given his mind and body a rest, at least more than would occur with him staying awake. She worried that the time would just cause his thoughts to race, to drift back to what happened to cause them to flee from their town. That was why she wanted to stay awake – so she could do everything she could to keep her mind off of things.
But it was a losing battle and sleep overtook her. She was still worried about him, but that didn't mean that she was anything less than comfortable. That alone made it very hard to stay awake.
When she woke up, she quickly realized she hadn't moved much. There seemed to be more blankets around her, but other than that, she still had her arms around him and her head was still resting on his shoulder. Blinking her eyes, she adjusted the sleep from them and shifted silently.
"I don't remember even falling asleep," she admitted, feeling guilty for drifting off when her intent had been otherwise. Her hand moved over his chest, resting on the cool skin where his heart lay still beneath. Her brow furrowed slightly and she appeared to be concentrating. Really she was trying to see if she could assess the nature of his heart just by keeping her hand pressed gently atop of it.
"How do you feel?"
Bella was most certainly seeing him at his most vulnerable state. Jasper wasn't exactly happy about that, but at the same time, he trusted her completely. If she couldn't see him at his most vulnerable, then no one could. It was so hard for him to let anyone in, especially this close, but keeping Bella out wasn't an option. Even if he'd been able to hide his pain, he couldn't have done it in front of her. Jasper never, ever wanted to keep anything from her, emotions or otherwise. That didn't make it pleasant for him to have to show her this side of himself, but it wasn't something he could hide.
He could feel her growing sleepy, but he did not mind. In truth, Jasper actually really enjoyed it when she slept. It wasn't that he didn't love it when she was awake; of course he preferred it that way. It was just that when she slept, that was when she was at her most vulnerable. The fact that she could relax enough around him to fall asleep was something that meant a lot to Jasper. He could watch her while she slept, and try to imagine what she was dreaming about. Sometimes he wished he could sleep too, so that maybe they could dream about the same things. But for the most part, he was glad that he didn't sleep because he didn't want to miss a moment of observing her.
As she slept, Jasper did his best to overcome the rest of his emotional plight. It was admittedly more difficult with her asleep, but there was no absence of love coming from her anyway. He could still feel it, and it was all that was holding him together. It was what gave him the strength to keep trying to overcome this. It was why he had the will to go on. Jasper let her love for him fill his heart and could feel it slowly spreading through his body as a whole. It was beginning to push out all the hate, pain, and anguish that was still lurking within him and in his limbs.
Jasper felt her stir awake and he too, opened his eyes. He watched as she shifted from slumber to consciousness, and he could feel her love growing stronger as she was able to be aware of herself and her surroundings again. It filled him with even more strength to push through the pain. It was amazing how much better he felt just from laying there with her for so long. He still was having a difficult time meeting her eyes. He'd managed to do it once while in the shower, but not again since then. Even now, when he was feeling so much better, he still couldn't do it. He closed his eyes partially, looking down at where her hand was resting on his heart rather than up into her eyes. He felt a strong surge of her love filling his heart, and wondered if it was because of her hand placement.
"It doesn't hurt as much anymore," he said quietly. "All because of you. You saved me. You guided me back, to our life together."
Bella wondered what it would have been like to be unable to sleep when dealing with so many emotions all at once. She sometimes couldn't fall asleep when such a thing happened to her, but more often than not, all of those aforementioned emotions exhausted her and she fell in a nightmare-filled slumber. That was the worst case scenario. Otherwise, she would lie awake for hours just going over the thoughts in her head. She wondered if that had been what Jasper resorted to while she slept and she feared that it could have been dangerous considering the event that his mind would be revolving around.
But when he spoke, she felt her heart warm just a little more and a relieved smile touched her face, though it would still be partially concealed with the way she rested her head against his shoulder. His words touched and comforted her when she should have been the one offering him such sentiments. But it seemed that she had or else it wouldn't have had the same effect as Jasper spoke of. If she could guide him back to himself and to the two of them together, then Bella was happy. If she could play even the smallest part in his happiness, then she, in turn, was thrilled with that realization.
The fact that she had been successfully able to not only bring him out of the depression he was in, but that she was able to protect him was something that meant so much to Bella. She would literally give her life for Jasper for how much she loved him. To her, he came before even her own health and safety. That much was obvious when one considered that it was still essentially dangerous to be around someone who desired human blood so much and who was but a second away from draining all of hers fairly recently. But that didn't matter to Bella. All that mattered was that she was able to help him. For everything that he and the Cullens had done for her – risking their own lives in order to fight to protect hers with the newborns, standing up to Aro when he'd come, getting along with the wolves in order to keep an agreement with them - it had all been for her benefit and had been dangerous things that could have resulted in their deaths. And yet, they'd fought for her willingly.
Now, she had been able to do that for them. She wasn't fighting and putting her own life in danger per se, but by taking Jasper away and by her quick thinking and actions, she helped to keep the Cullens safe and able to stay in their home. For that, she felt very accomplished.
"You were never lost," she said thoughtfully, lifting her head to press her lips to his chest where her hand had been. "You just took a little detour." She kissed his chest against, moving her lips upward until she reached his.
It would've probably been no surprise to anyone to know that often times when left to his own thoughts of himself, Jasper typically went into a bit of a depression. The fact remained that he really did not think too highly of himself normally. Even on an uneventful day, if left to reflect on his own, it was usually very negative. There was always something he better about himself.
In this situation, if he'd been alone, the results would have been even more devastating. There would have been nothing for him to come back to, and therefore, no reason to come back at all. He would have lost himself completely in his despair, and let the darkness consume him. What else was there to live for? But Jasper had Bella. He loved her, and that was reason enough for him to hold onto this life and not give in to the hate and darkness. It was her love for him that was able to penetrate through all his pain and give him some relief, a reason to keep going. Instead of focusing on how much he disliked himself, he thought about how much he loved Bella, and let the love she felt consume him instead. That was how he managed to stay calm while she slept.
"I love you," he said softly, just as her lips met his own.
He didn't deserve her, or her affection. And to him, she most definitely deserved someone better than him. But for whatever reason, she loved him. He knew it was true because he could feel it always coming from the very core of her heart. She shouldn't have been exposed to this, she shouldn't have to take care of someone like him. Yet she had not let go of him or shunned him. She was doing everything she could to help him through this excruciating time.
Jasper kissed her tenderly, but deeply. He lightly stroked her cheek, then cupped it and kissed her again. He felt very loved, which overpowered all the hate. "You were right here to get me back on the right path," he said. "Thank you, Belle."
He kissed her again, and again, then pulled her closer to him and tightening his arms around her a little. He had no intention of getting up anytime soon. All he wanted was to savor this time with Bella, and to recover as quietly as he could.
Author's Note: Once again, our apologies for the delay in posting! Your authors have been very visit and (boo!) are now sick so we've been doing our best to edit and get everything posted quicker! The next chapter is a very important one and we hope you love it as much as we do! ;) Please review! It is always the best encouragement and we love hearing from each and every one of you. Welcome to our new followers! Cheers!
Lyrics: Broken - Seether and Amy Lee