Ask Me No Questions, I'll Tell You No Lies
Chapter Five: The Man of my Dreams And Practical Jokes
I opened my eyes, expecting to see sunlight pouring through my pent house window. Instead, I smelled the faint odor of dung and heard a man's soft snores. I smiled to myself.
It was real.
I rubbed the sleep dust out of my eyes, and let out a large yawn. I instinctively went to cover my mouth, but then caught myself and stopped. I was no rich girl now.
I looked over to Jack, waiting for him to wake up. Soon I got bored, watching his chest rise and fall in rhythm, so I decided to have some…good…clean…fun. I climbed down from my cage, tiptoeing over to Jack's. Quietly giggling, I took a marker I found on the floor and uncapped it. Barely holding back laughter, I took the thick marker to Jack's peaceful, unsuspecting face…
When I was done, I looked down at my masterpiece. An eye patch was drawn over his left eye, and his right was done with what looked like heavy eyeliner. There was a curly marker mustache drawn between his nose-which I had drawn large moles on-and his mouth. His chin was covered in an inky beard which went all the way to his hairline.
I really was the most mature person on board. Not.
Letting out a loud bark of laughter, I quietly fled the scene of the crime. It wasn't long after I'd left that I heard a great yawn and the creaking of floorboards. I ran as fast as I could to the galley before I began to shriek in laughter. At this, the cook, Lumpy, raised his eyebrow.
"What's so funny? And who the hell are you?"
"She's a stray I took from the streets." I voice from behind me said. The laughter faded from my face and instead I grew very red. It was either from indignation or embarrassment.
"A stray?" I asked, barely holding in my anger. He obviously enjoyed taunting me.
"A stray is something found on the streets without a home." He said, a smug little smirk growing across his face.
"I know what a stray is!" I cried, "and I'm not a stray!"
He chuckled maddeningly.
See, this is why I women are better than men. They don't play these stupid mindgames.
"What do you have against me anyhow?" I asked angrily.
"Nothing." He smirked wider and shrugged.
Men are so confusing.
Lumpy, hearing silence, but not seeing the evil death glare I was sending in the captain's way, repeated his question,
"So…what was so funny?"
And, like a sign from God, in walked poor Jack. Lumpy, Jimmy, and a few other crew members took a second to glance over his face, and then a volcano of laughter erupted from each and every one of them.
Except Captain Englehorn. The left side of his lip lifted slightly, and I swear I heard him snort, but other than that, he was utterly unmoved.
I, on the other hand, sunk to the floor, screaming with laughter and clutching my stomach.
"What?" a startled Jack said. Lumpy, choking on his cigar, held out a spoon toward his face.
…
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! SCARLETT!"
My eyes widened to twice their normal size. I jumped up from the floor as fast as I could, and ran for my life. Stumbling all the way down the hall and tripping up the stairs, I once again found myself running headlong into a large…thing.
"Hey watch it, bub!" A voice said. I looked up into the person's face, and saw his annoyed expression soften, and his eyes get wide.
"You're a…a.."
But he never finished his sentence, because I cut him off with a long, ear-splitting scream.
"-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Bruce Baxter! Omigosh, I just want you to know that I am your biggest ever fan! Eeeeeeeeek!"
At this statement, the man of my dreams's face adopted a strangely conceited smile.
"Well, I, uh, know what you mean. I mean, if I were you, I'd have wet my pants."
Huh? Definitely conceited, but I mean, he's an actor, he's allowed some fault, right?
"-But if I were you, I'd tone down on the screaming, I think I just busted an eardrum! Definitely not good for hearing cues…"
Okay, he's STILL droning on about himself, getting annoying…lalalalalalala…I wonder if we'll get to-where are we even going?- before he stops talking?
Three minutes later-seriously, I checked the time- he was beginning to really get on my last nerve. What did I see in this guy again? He reminded me a little bit of Charles.
My suffering soon ended, though, when Jack rounded the corner of a wall.
"Scarlett." He said, out of breath. Out of breath and somewhat angry. Maybe even really angry, but the marker on his face kind of ruined the effect.
I was beginning to think that a whole new kind of suffering was about to begin.
"Hey, chick, is this guy bothering you?" Baxter said, obviously trying-and failing- to seem chivalrous. Laughing at Jack's face was not so chivalrous. So was calling me 'chick'.
"No, I'm fine." I said, shrinking slightly in Jack's evil glare.
"Ok, I gotta get to a scene. Bye…"
"Miss Harker," I filled in for him. I didn't feel like letting him call me by my first name.
As he swaggered around the corner, I turned my attention to Jack.
"It won't come off." He said. I was confused.
"What won't come off?" As soon as I asked, it dawned on me. I was living with my mother and Charles too long. I'm getting a bit stupid.
Just thinking of my mother made me feel a bit guilty and homesick. Because, you know, at home, I didn't sleep in a crate, and we didn't have porridge that looked like cat sick.
Oh, and there was no smarty-pants ship captain to vex me, either. But anyway…
"The ink. It's not washing off."
"Oh my gosh. I'm SO SORRY. Now please, please…don't kill me."
"I'm not gonna kill you, Scarlett," he said, while uncapping a black marker. Uh oh. "But I'm going to make you suffer."
As he said this, I noted the maniacal glint in his eye and the feel of his hands holding my arms. I was trapped. The marker was getting close…and then…
I trudged back down to the galley miserably. As I walked through the doorway, I saw that Lumpy, Jack, and Jimmy were the only ones there. I glared at Jack, trying to melt the smirk of his face. I then collapsed onto the counter in front of Lumpy.
"Could I get something to eat please?"
After ladling me a bowl of-surprise! Porridge-he eyed my face amusedly.
I collapsed into a chair across from Jimmy. His face was red from containing his laughter.
"Your face…there's a heart on it. And a mustache."
"WHAT!" I hadn't seen my face since I was brutally attacked by Jack and his marker. I held up a spoon and stared at my reflection. Indeed, I had a bushy mustache and a heart drawn over my eye. My forehead bore the legend "Dumb" on it, and I had a marker-goatee.
"Now we're even" Came Jack's voice. I cast him a withering look, and dug into my porridge. As soon as I took my first gooey, bland bite, Captain Englehorn walked into the room.
Oh my god, this is going to be so bad...
"Miss Harker," How did he know my last name? I didn't tell him, did I? Did Baxter tell him? "Since you promised you would work your way onto my ship, you will not object to a few chores."
"Which ones?" I asked, keeping my face turned away.
"You will clean the galley, wash the dishes, swab the deck, scrub the lavatory, and clean out one of the…recently used…cages."
Not wanting to sound ungrateful or lazy, I replied,
"Yes, El Capitan."
"Excuse me?" El Capitan inquired, his left eyebrow raised way up high. I noticed that his lips tightened when he was surprised.
"Uh…I said…Captain?"
"Look at me when you say something, Miss Harker." He commanded.
It sounded just like a death sentence, I swear to you.
I slowly turned my face to his, and winced, waiting for his look of incredulity and mirth.
It never came.
Instead, his blue, blue eyes flicked across my face, and he simply said,
"Interesting choice of make-up." And with that, he walked out of the galley.
And with that I realized something; that man was as aggravating as Charles.
End Chapter 6