Here's chapter six!

Thanks for all the reviews!

This one is a real tearjerker, hope you like it.

I'm claiming Friday-Sunday as my update days,

but to update I need...24 reviews :)

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Dear Journal,

This is getting hard, really hard. Mostly because in this part of the story Eli and I, I forced myself to forget him. To forget that it ever happened. It was weeks before we talked, three to be exact. He didn't talk to me until the day before the last day of school.

That same day, I learned everything about Elijah Goldsworthy. His life, his love, his losses, his everything. This is all about Eli in this chapter, not in the selfish way, no. This is the retelling of Elijah, revealing his battered, scarred soul.

I was sitting in the J.T. Yorke Memorial Garden, classes were let out for a longer lunch since it was finals time. I didn't have any more tests to take. Gym was my next class and I didn't have a final in that class, so I skipped and stayed in the garden.

Next to me was my purse and I sat crossed-legged on the stone bench, reading Damned. But I wasn't reading the words. I couldn't. My mind was so busy thinking of him, so busy craving for what I couldn't have.

I was so immersed in my thoughts and trying to read that it took me over five minutes to realize someone was standing in front of me. I gasped in fright, and then looked up to see Adam, which was odd. We didn't talk at all, not since what happened…with him.

"Uh, hey, Adam. What's up?" I asked, giving him a weak smile.

"I just thought, maybe…you would want to talk." Adam said with a small blush cascading across his pale face.

"What about?" I asked curiously, narrowing my eyes at him.

Adam shook his head, as if to clear his thoughts, and then awkwardly took a seat next to me. He looked…nervous, like he knew what he wanted to say but couldn't exactly put them into words. I stared at him intently, wanting him to start talking like he so desperately wanted to.

Finally, I had enough of his jittery movements and constant opening and closing of his mouth, "Adam!"

"Huh, what?" He flinched, I felt bad immediately.

"Sorry, just, what do you want to talk about?" I asked calmly, placing my hand over his shaking one.

"Well…I figured you could use someone to talk to, about Eli." I winced at the mention of his name. "Sorry. I'm just worried, is all. You've looking like a walking zombie, your skin is ghostly pale compared to the dark circles under your eyes. You never talk to me, or Fiona - which she hates because you're one of the few people whose friends with her - and you just look like a complete mess. I went as far as to talk to that Alli chick, and she says you haven't talked to her in months."

Adam was about to continue but I stopped him, "Listen, Adam, I get it. I'm a wreck. I know this. But, I don't think you got the whole story from Eli. What did he tell you?"

"He called me a couple weeks ago, said that whatever you and him had, it was over. He sounded like a maniac over the phone, mumbling through tears how he fucks everything up, something about jumping a cliff. It sounded like he was going to do just that. It was awful."

I looked at Adam dumbfounded, "Adam, he broke things off with me. He told me to my face, just after he gave me the best kiss I've ever experience in my life, that he didn't have feelings for me. Not now, not ever. Eli broke my heart, Adam, god it hurt so much when he said that. I ran away from him after he told me, otherwise he would have seen me break down. I didn't want that. I didn't want him to get the satisfaction that he irrevocably broke my heart."

"Oh, Clare," Adam whispered, he gripped my hand.

"It's not fair, he hurt me so much, Adam." I whimpered, feeling tears start to form, one slipping down my cheek, leaving a sticky salty trail behind. "I think…well I think I was falling in love with him. I really do. But, of course, Saint Clare can never be happy. My parents are constantly fighting, the only real friend I've ever had has ditched me to go fuck her All-Star boyfriend, my own sister has abandoned me, my life is breaking apart at the seams. And just when I get a taste of happiness, when my life is just a little bit more tolerable, Eli just breaks me. I don't know if I can handle this, Adam, I can't handle anything else."

"Come with me." He said while standing suddenly, I stared at him with teary eyes.

"What?" I asked stupidly.

"Just…come on." Adam said, putting his hand to help me up.

"Okay?" I said lamely with a sniffle, I put my book away, grabbed my bag, and then Adam's hand.

Adam lifted me up, released my hand, and then took hold of my upper arm. I was about to protest but went along when he told me, "Don't ask."

He pulled me out of the garden and through the hallway until we reached the front doors. I protested finally, ripping my arm away from his grip.

"Adam, what is going on?" I asked impatiently.

"Just, don't ask, okay? You need to trust me." He pleaded, I gave in.

We ended up in the student parking lot, and suddenly I knew where he was taking me. I stopped and shook my head. I scanned the lot, looking for him.

"No," I growled.

"Please, he wanted me to get you, because he knew that if he tried, you wouldn't get this far. I just wanted to know what was wrong with you before I brought you here." Adam sighed, grabbing my shoulder. "Let him explain, please, he deserves a chance."

"He broke my heart, Adam. He rejected me, he hurt me! Why should I?" I hissed, biting my lip to stop a whimper from escaping me.

"Give me an hour, Blue Eyes." Came Eli's voice, I stood rigid, not willing to turn and look at him.

"No." I stated.

"Please," he was getting closer.

"No."

"I'm so sorry," He whispered against my neck. I noticed Adam was gone. "Please."

"Fine."

"What are we doing here?" I asked, once we reached the top of the familiar hillside. The ride to the park, and the walk through the trails had been filled with silence. I didn't dare utter a word, too afraid of what would happen if I did. But now, as we stood overlooking the Toronto city, I wondered exactly why he brought me here.

"Well, we met here. I figured we might as well start new or end it in the same place. Seems fitting, eh?" He asked with a sad smile.

"Sure, now you're wasting your time, you only have half an hour left." I said, sitting on one of the make-shift seats on a log we dragged over near the 'fire-pit'.

Eli situated himself on the edge of the cliff, overlooking the city, shoving his hands into his pockets. "I had a brother, you know, his name was Elliot. He was my twin."

"What?" I asked lamely.

"Yeah…but…he's dead. I….I killed him." Eli said, I didn't interrupt him. "We were eight, young and quite the troublemakers. You know, we used to live here, too. But we moved…after he died. I…we were playing here actually, ran away from our parents in the park and ended up in this place. I pushed him, because we were sword fighting with sticks…and he fell over the edge." Eli choked on a sob, I felt my stomach churn.

"Dad started to drink after Elliot died, he became abusive, blamed everything on me. One day, after slamming my head against one of the doors upstairs, he tossed me down the stairs. I had head trauma, internal bleeding, and bones broken in several places. He said I deserve everything I got. He was right, I mean, I killed my own brother. I deserved whatever punishment that was brought on me. I was ten then. Anyways, I got sent to my aunts after that. I spent three years there, then my mother divorced my Dad and took me back. I lived in Ontario until this year."

He sighed shakily, it was then I knew he was crying. "In Ontario, I met this girl. Man, she was amazing. Dark ebony hair, chocolate brown eyes, and her smile, damn. I told her what I told you, and she was so understanding. I started to cut when my father beat me, still do, you know? She was a cutter, too. We clicked, we understood pain and suffered through it together, we were young and in love."

"The first night she stayed over, after having a rough fight with her stepmother, we made love for the first time. I stopped cutting after that, because I was in love and I was happy - for the first time in a long while. She never stopped, though, one night I caught her cutting in the shower at my house. She almost died. I brought her to the hospital. She told me that her stepmother was pregnant. At the time I wondered why that was bad, but it became evident that she was upset her father was starting a new family with a woman who beat his own daughter."

"Eli…" I got up, walking over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"A week later, she came to my house, told me to run away with her. I told her that it was a stupid idea, she was fifteen, and I was sixteen. We were too young. We started to argue. She ran away after I said some things I shouldn't have - I didn't mean anything, it was just the heat of the moment. She…got hit by a car. And died. I was there, too. I ran after her, and she stopped to yell at me. Then, bam! She was on the pavement, bloody, broken, and dead."

I turned him around to look at me, "We moved back here because of that. I was getting death threats and bullied at school…"

"Oh, Eli," I whispered and wrapped my arms around him as he cried on my shoulder.

"I destroyed everyone I loved. My father is a drunk; my mother is working three jobs to support us, she walks through the house like a ghost, more depressed than I am. I killed the love of my life, and my brother. I'm a monster, Clare! That's why I can't be with you. I can't stand the thought of losing you, too."

"Eli, I'm not going anywhere. I promise." I whispered in his ear, and then leaned down to kiss his neck. "I'm staying right here, with you."

"Please don't leave me, Clare." Eli sobbed into my shoulder, I rocked him, kissing various places on his neck and whispering sweet words and promise to sooth him.

"I will never leave you, I promise, I swear I won't leave you." I whispered, pulling him closer.

Eli cried for hours, until it got dark. And I promised him that I'd be there for him, always. To the very end. Had I known there'd be an end, maybe I would've walked away that night. But I stayed, and I suffer even today with the regret.