The following day was his half day off, so he took the train to Leeds to see about the limp corrector. His breath hitched when he saw it, the thing looked barbaric, like an instrument of torture. Really though, who cared what it looked like as long as it worked? However, he suddenly wasn't as excited anymore. In fact, he started to feel rather ill. Bates wasn't sure what he expected, but this seemed a little much. He could do this though; he'd dealt with much worse. He was under no illusion that it would be easy, but he was positive he could manage. When they saw he'd sorted his limp, the reward would make it worth the trouble, no doubt.
Anna sat in the servant's hall drinking tea during the family's dinner, although she was so deep in thought, she hadn't taken a sip from her cup in a while and it had gone cold. She considered herself a very practical person, a problem solver and certainly not one given to reacting overemotionally, so she was determined to reason out her problems. It appeared that her life was spiraling just a bit out of control. She was doing well with her job, but her personal life was in turmoil. She seemed to be losing both her closest friends, couldn't sleep, kept having weird dreams, and didn't want to stop herself from checking out the handsome Turkish gentleman. She knew there was nothing wrong with looking as long as she didn't let him touch, but now that she was feeling so unsettled, she wondered if she were having some kind of female problem. She wasn't sure at what age she could expect her 'change of life', but she wondered if this was it. She was still fairly young, though, so she doubted that was the case. Obviously, the hope of getting married and having a family had passed her by, but life certainly wasn't over for her. She had gotten a couple of serious offers years ago, but it just hadn't seemed worth the trouble. Turning down enough overtures over the years had given most suitors the idea that she intended to stay in service for the duration, and she couldn't disagree with that assessment. She'd been kissed, had her hand held, and gotten a couple of hugs, but she never really entertained the idea of more. As most invitations ceased, she settled into a comfortable existence, accepted her circumstance, and felt very happy with her choices. Sure, she got the odd offer now and then, but not from anyone exciting enough for her to give it a go.
That thought led her to Mr. Bates. What was going on with him? One minute they are meeting in the hallways, talking, laughing, making up stories, and having nighttime visits in the servant's hall, now she could barely get him to speak to her. Even though they did still chat at meals and walk with each other to church, she missed him and wished she could spend more time with him. Yes, he said it was because he needed his sleep, but it didn't seem like he needed it before and now suddenly he did. Moreover, he never really looked very rested, in fact, it seemed quite the opposite. It was all so very strange. He also looked like he was in pain all the time. She couldn't figure that one out at all and wondered if his knee was bothering him more than usual. She'd had just about enough of Mr. Bates's behaviour though and as soon as she could she would corner him to find out what was going on. Gwen was taking up all Anna's free time at the moment with her job fears, but she was determined to find out what was wrong with Mr. Bates.
He was doing a miserable job hiding his discomfort, and he really needed them to quit asking him about it. Lord Grantham and Mrs. Hughes commented on it, but he saw the others watching him. He even caught Anna staring a time or two, but he didn't know what to say, so he just avoided them all as much as possible. Mrs. Hughes in particular would just not let it go. He wasn't necessarily trying to be evasive with it; he just didn't want them feeling sorry for him. He knew how it would go, they would see his attempt to heal himself, and then they would be unable to hide their pity. Well, he wouldn't allow that. He'd continue to suffer in silence for the rest of his life before giving them another reason to pity him, he promised, as he tightened the metal bans cutting into his leg. He just wished Mrs. Hughes wasn't so tenacious, he liked her, but he couldn't tell her. He couldn't tell any of them, but he wouldn't be able to keep it from her much longer if she kept watching him so closely.
He was going down to tea, but really did not look forward to descending the stairs. His leg was on fire every minute of the day. He had to keep it up though, he couldn't slack off or it wouldn't work. He needed it to work, even as he wished it still didn't matter to him. When did he start caring about his leg anyway? He'd been perfectly fine with his knee the way it was ever since it started bothering him. Okay, well, not perfectly fine with it, but he had accepted it. Why was he putting himself through this now when he had a job in a house with a thousand stairs?
Anna immediately noticed a change in Mr. Bates when he arrived and took his seat. She couldn't say what it was exactly but he looked tense to her, appeared to have an uneasy expression. She worried about it, but with O'Brien sitting across from her, she didn't think she should ask him directly. Caught up so much in her thoughts, she absent-mindedly took a sip of her cold tea. She couldn't control the sound she made as she swallowed, and quickly looked around to see if anyone had noticed. O'Brien was smirking at her, but barely missing a beat, Mr. Bates poured her another cup, fixed it how she liked it and replaced the offending cup with the fresh one he'd just prepared. He didn't say one word throughout his ministrations, but when she looked at him to express thanks, he was grinning at her. She flushed and forgot what she was going to say, quickly taking a sip from the new cup to cover her embarrassment. Maybe they were okay; perhaps she had read too much into his odd actions lately. She was still concerned about him though.
She leaned toward him, whispering, "Mr. Bates?" He loved the way she leaned toward him.
"Anna?" he conspiratorially whispered back. She loved the way he said her name.
"Is everything okay with...," she glanced down at his knee.
He suddenly felt warm. He wished she wouldn't ask, but it did give a reminder of why he was suffering through this cure.
"I'm fine. Don't worry," he said on a low sigh.
She nodded, unconvinced. She drank more of her tea and realized how perfectly he'd made it. It was nice of him to take note of how she liked it, she mused. Since he obviously didn't want to talk about his knee, she tried to think of a safer topic.
"Have you been sleeping well?" she asked. His smile faltered, causing her to think this might not be a safe topic either.
What could he say, he wondered. He'd never slept better in his life than after they sat together in the hall for a few hours at night. He'd put a stop to that so she could get her own rest, and now he barely slept at all. He wasn't sure she would understand. How could he explain it so that it would make sense?
"Not really," was all he could think to say. I know what you mean, she thought, anxious to resolve her elusive problem and get back to normal.
Anna stood in the hallway in shock, not believing what she was hearing. This could not be happening. Surely, this was some kind of test. Any minute she would wake up, warm in her bed, to discover this was just another one of her nightmares. She thought she was having odd dreams before, this was really going to do it. She'd never sleep properly again after this. How could Lady Mary allow herself to get in this position? Anna agreed the man was handsome, but that really was no excuse. She would never have imagined doing anything like this in her life. Lady Mary was obviously not thinking clearly at the moment, and Anna knew she had to help her. Of course she had to help, never really considered refusing her aid. She was operating in full-blown emergency mode now, she couldn't even think, just had to act. Thank goodness she was in her room when Lady Mary came for her. She cringed to think what would have happened if she were downstairs with Mr. Bates instead. Had she once thought this would be her opportunity to catch up on her sleep? She briefly wondered what Mr. Bates would think if he knew she was dragging a dead, naked man through the house. No, that didn't bear thinking about since she would never, ever tell him. She would go to her grave before she ever let him find out what she had done. Even the mention of his name on Lady Mary's lips was enough to give her heart palpitations. No, he must never know. She didn't care what she had to go through to keep the information from him forever. She helped Lady Mary back to her room and put her to bed, then rushed up to her own, resolved to forget this night ever happened.
Good God this was torturous, Bates thought as he put on the brace in the morning. The only time he allowed himself to take it off was when he got into bed. He didn't want to look too closely at his leg as he worked the metal bands. Based on how it felt, he knew it must look bad. If he examined it too much, he might lose his nerve. He certainly hoped it was worth it. He was exceptionally thankful he'd quit going downstairs every night. He terribly missed spending time with Anna, but he never would have made the walk down and climb up the stairs afterward. He was on his way down to breakfast and barely making it now. He thought getting shot was painful. He laughed humourlessly, convinced he'd rather relive that pain a thousand times over compared to the way he felt now. Yes, the man said it would work and it wouldn't be easy, but Bates began wondering if he truly knew just what it did to a leg. He didn't think this was normal. Did the bloke call this a corrector? All it did was make things worse, he mused, as he kept waiting to notice a change. It was changing things all right. Unfortunately, it was crippling him. He couldn't give up though. It had to work; he was too invested in it now to fail.
Heading down to breakfast, Anna could not forget the events of the previous night no matter how hard she tried. She really needed to get control of herself. Her recent behaviour was so out of character, she didn't know what to do. Everything was turned upside down. Her usually positive and cheery disposition was changing. She couldn't get away from her dreams or hold onto a single thought, she was missing her friends, oh and yes, she was dragging dead men through the house. She was feeling very vulnerable and couldn't stand to feel that way. She was usually so self-assured and confident. Where had all her composure and determination gone? All she could think was that she needed to talk to Mr. Bates. He would make her feel better; she just needed to explain things to him. She didn't suppose she could be specific, she realized with a tremble, but maybe he could give her some advice if she was vague enough when she spoke to him. He was vague with her often enough, he could deal with it. Yes, she would approach him as soon as possible, she decided as she took her seat.
Anna stared at Mr. Bates as he came into the hall. He looked like he was in pain, and her heart went out to him. Was she thinking of burdening him with her troubles when he obviously had some of his own? He offered her a weak smile as she watched him stumble to his chair and snatch up the newspaper. She returned a similar grin, but dropped her eyes as she wondered for the hundredth time what he would think if he knew what she had just done.
"What's got your attention, Anna?" Thomas drawled out. She jerked her head in the direction of Miss O'Brien's laugh.
Anna had chanced another glance at Mr. Bates as he was reading the newspaper, and now she was caught. He had lowered the paper at Thomas's comment and saw her looking at him before she turned toward Miss O'Brien.
Even though he was distracted by the paper, Bates couldn't help notice what Thomas and O'Brien were doing. They were obviously up to something, enjoying themselves way too much. And they were enjoying themselves. O'Brien had seen Anna "mooning after the cripple," as she'd put it, and told Thomas immediately. A week or so ago, O'Brien had come upon them sitting in the servant's hall alone in the middle of the night. She managed to keep herself hidden from them as she considered how to best use the information. She told Thomas at the first opportunity, and they hid downstairs a couple of nights ago to spy on Bates and Anna if they came down again. However, neither of them showed up. Thomas decided to take his disappointment out on Anna today, O'Brien guessed. Still, she found it amusing and could not help laughing at the situation.
Anna was more angry than embarrassed though. She was having enough trouble dealing with what she'd done last night and the resulting guilt, as well as her obligation to keep the secret. She didn't need these two making things worse.
"Not a thing," she told Thomas, giving him a devastating smile just to annoy him. She had no intention of letting him know that he was bothering her, he'd never stop if she did.
Thomas frowned and went back to his breakfast, whispering to O'Brien under his breath.
Anna slyly glanced at Mr. Bates from her seat, trying to keep him from noticing it. She soon discovered how difficult that would be, since he was already staring at her. Caught out, she merely smiled. It looked to her like she startled him, but he quickly returned her smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling. She felt her heartbeat speed up and wondered absent-mindedly at that reaction. He didn't realize he'd been staring. Did he at one time think she was pretty? He didn't think that anymore. She was beautiful. When she had glanced at him, he lost his breath, but could not stop the answering smile from spreading across his lips. His stomach started to hurt and not in a good way. He wanted to say something, anything, but the room was nearly full, and he wasn't sure how to begin. As a result, they sat there, smiling stupidly at each other for what felt like an eternity. His mind was racing, rendering him unable to catch hold of a single thought except that he must turn way. He needed to stop staring now. He turned his head away to break the connection, but his eyes would not listen, remaining firmly on hers of their own accord. Their eyes still locked, her heartbeat had rocketed to what she considered was surely an unsafe rate. She had no frame of reference and could not figure out her reaction to his stare. They both heard the bell go off at the same time and finally broke their gaze apart. Yet, neither moved to leave, individually wrapped up in their own thoughts.
Even as she was confused about such a new emotional response, he knew exactly what it was, although he had never before felt it with such intensity. It brought him up short, and caused him to momentarily lose his breath again. No, no, no, roared through his head.
"I have to go get the...," he choked out, before leaping to his feet and fairly running as fast as his injured leg would carry him out of the hall, not giving as much as a backward glance. Anna was stunned.
"Now what brought that on," she muttered, before wondering if he was having the same reaction and confusion as she. Obviously that was it, she thought, and smiled to herself as she got to her feet. She may not have understood much of what she was feeling at the moment, but to think he was going through the same emotions comforted her immensely.
He was in trouble. He understood completely that he was infatuated with her, and knew he had to stop it immediately. He had suspected it before, but denied it to himself. He couldn't deny it any longer. He was going to have to stay away from her. Yes, she was safe because he was married, and he was positive she could not possibly be interested in someone like him. This was more about self-preservation it shamed him to admit. She probably wouldn't understand why he had to keep away. He knew it was not possible that she felt the same way, but that didn't matter. What mattered was he had lost his way. He had spent over two hard years dragging himself onto the right path, and now he was lusting after a housemaid. That would never do. It was more than that though, he reasoned. She wasn't just any housemaid, she was Anna, and it might not just be lust. No, he shook his head and mentally chastised himself, it wasn't lust, he knew it wasn't. It would make things so much easier if that was his problem. Lust was what he'd felt for Vera so long ago and this was so different, it frightened him.
Oh God, he had really lost it. The idea wasn't really distasteful, far from it, it was just impossible. He had to stay away, of course. He would have to avoid her for as long as it took to gain control of himself. Once he could do that, he could continue on with their friendship. He didn't want to lose her completely, he admitted, shuddering at the thought. No, he didn't want that. It would be difficult, but he just needed some time to regain his reality. However, he would rather wear the limp corrector indefinitely than avoid her. Everything was going fine, how could he let this happen? He couldn't think about it right now, it was too painful. He was going to have to sort it though, sooner rather than later.
"Bates!" The sound finally invaded his senses. His lordship had obviously been trying to get his attention for a while. Bates looked around. He had been standing there holding Grantham's tie without moving for an obscene amount of time.
"Honestly," Grantham said, but he wasn't really angry, Bates noticed, as he was laughing when he said it. "Where are you?"
"I'm here now, I promise," Bates told him with an answering grimace. "I'm sorry..." Grantham waved the apology off and stuck out his neck yet again for his tie.
"Why are you doing this Mr. Bates?" Mrs. Hughes asked him as he sat there holding up his pant leg.
He wished he could remember. His reasons had left him long ago. Did it have something to do with his job? Or Anna? A jumbled mess of pain, confusion, and emotion, he couldn't think properly. He could only shrug his shoulders and shake his head. Completely lost, he didn't know what to do about anything. How had he gotten into this situation, he wondered yet again. It was all pressing down on him. It had been almost three years since he'd promised himself a change. Although he had done well in some areas, he'd failed miserably in others. He had no clue what he was doing. Wasn't he supposed to do his job, keep his head down and stay out of everyone's way? Well, how was that going for him? He gritted his teeth, knowing that he'd lost his vision somewhere along the way.
Looking up at Mrs. Hughes, he couldn't control his surprise. He could not believe she was crying over him. It was embarrassing, but it touched him nonetheless. He wasn't uncomfortable because of the corrector, it was because of the concern she was showing for him. No one cared about him, so why was she crying? This was just too much. He was overwhelmed and desperately needed to regain some measure of control. He found himself agreeing to her suggestion to get rid of the thing without even knowing to what he was agreeing. Her hands carefully loosening the bands, he didn't stop her as she gently took it off him. She wanted to call the doctor, but he refused. Showing Mrs. Hughes was bad enough, he couldn't let anyone else know what he'd done. Anna couldn't know what he'd done. Hell, when did he let himself care so much about her and what she thought? It was too much.
His emotions had led him to this. He couldn't remember when he'd starting feeling anything. Eight months ago, he operated on a strictly rational level and he had everything under control. Since then he'd let himself care too much and worry how others saw him. He needed to rid himself of these feelings immediately. He'd gone soft and look at the trouble it brought. He must regain his focus, find his discipline, and remind himself of his promises. It was the only way. This was a very dangerous time for him, he knew. He could either get back on the proper road, or forget the whole thing. If he wasn't careful, he would probably be drunk by this time tomorrow. He had a decision to make.
He suddenly realized he was just sitting there staring blankly while Mrs. Hughes continued to talk to him. He hadn't heard a word.
"Mrs. Hughes, please, I don't want to impose," he choked out.
"Oh Mr. Bates, you've already done that," she kindly replied with a smile.
Knowing that she understood him very well, he smiled back as he struggled to his feet to follow her to the lake.