Chapter 6 – Hurt

Lilly spent a few more days in Tennessee before flying back to Malibu. After the holidays came to a close, Miley and Jackson returned as well. The second semester of school began and Miley was nearly overwhelmed in her attempt to catch up. But with Lilly and Oliver's help, she was back on track by February.

Schoolwork, though as difficult as it was, wasn't Miley's only struggle. It was hard, she quickly learned, to have a secret girlfriend. Not even Jackson or Oliver knew of Miley and Lilly's relationship. And with every passing day, Lilly's paranoia grew worse. She became convinced that others could tell, picky about how close they could walk next to each other in the halls, and deeply saddened by the weight of her anxiety. It was especially bad for her on Valentine's Day.

"This is such a stupid holiday." Lilly groaned in Miley's general direction, messing up her locker combination for the second time. When she finally managed to open it, a single rose and card was waiting for her. Lilly gasped and shut her locker with such force that the colliding metal sound drew the attention of everyone around them. After all eyes had left them, Lilly turned to Miley and whispered, "I can't believe you did that."

"It was supposed to be romantic." Miley mumbled.

An unwelcome, sultry voice spoke from behind them. "Well, if it isn't the lovebirds cheesing it up on the best day of the year."

Lilly sighed. "Not now, Mikayla."

"Want to know why it's the best day of the year?" Mikayla wiggled her eyebrows. "Because all the bitter single girls are like sitting ducks. And let me tell you, I'm on the prowl."

Miley shook her head. "You sound like a horny frat boy."

"Deep down inside, we're all horny frat boys." Mikayla glanced at Lilly. "But I guess some of us are just horny for the frat boys."

Lilly aggressively swiveled around to face Mikayla. She puffed out her chest, took a deep breath, and stood there. After a few minutes of intense staring, she clenched her jaw and said, "Stop bothering us."

"What's got you all worked up?" Mikayla laughed. "What, did the bitter single girls part make you jealous? Come on, Lil, you know you miss me."

Trying to keep her cool, Lilly took a step back and remained silent.

Mikayla only smirked. "There it is." She turned to Miley. "The secret to keep them wanting more is great orgasms. Some real 'she comes first' bullshit, you know? You've got to have them screaming your name when their coming. That's the way me and Lil and used to be. You know, back when I was her secret fuck buddy rather than you."

Next thing Miley knew, she was leaving the principal's office after giving her view of the events leading up to what would be known as the Epic Valentine's Day Brawl between Lilly and Mikayla. What the fight lacked in length, it made up for in excessive violence. Miley reluctantly took a seat next to a bruised up Mikayla in the waiting area.

"She's out of control." Mikayla whispered, adjusting how she was holding a bag of ice against her swollen cheek.

"You're one to talk."

"Stop the high school petty drama for a second, okay? I'm being serious here."

"When have you ever been serious?"

"I care about her, okay? I know that might make us unlikely friends, but it's the truth. And if you care about her too, you'll hear me out."

Miley bit her lip. "Okay. Fine. Talk."

"Has Lilly ever hit you?"

"Of course not."

"Exactly. She's not a violent person. The only other time she has ever hit someone is that time I tried to convince her to come out."

"So?"

"So? Lilly just decked me in a school hallway on Valentine's Day. Being in the closet is damaging her. If you'd stop being so blindly in love for five seconds, maybe you'd notice. She's responding with fists rather than words, you could fit tiny ass Chihuahuas in the goddamn bags under her eyes, she's irritable as fuck…she's losing it. Now, let's get over the fact that I know you two are a thing and let's focus on the fact that your easily noticeable thing is hurting her."

"And what do you suggest I do?"

"Something."

Miley stared at Mikayla. "Well, I'm confused. I thought all of this was leading up to you giving some kind of actual heartfelt advice."

She sighed and looked up with so much sincerity and concern that Miley almost didn't recognize her. "Trust me, alright? Don't make the same mistakes that I made. I can't sit by and watch you fuck it all up. Lilly is an amazing girl. She deserves someone who will go above and beyond for her. Don't sit around and wait for the inevitable. If you let her get worse, you're only going to hate yourself. She is suffocating in that closet, can't you see that? So don't just sit and wait for the breakup fight. Be for her what I couldn't be. Help her. Do something."

"I…I don't know what there is that I can do."

"Hey, don't ask me. If I knew what to do, do you really think my face would be all fucked up right now?"

"The problem is her parents. They seem to be the source of everything she's afraid of. She really doesn't want to lose her dad."

"The ones with daddy issues always pack the meanest punch." Mikayla chuckled. "Hey, you know, this might be a little random but if you squint your eyes and tilt your head, you kind of look like that one celebrity. What's-her-name."

"Shania Twain?"

"Who the fuck is Shania Twain? No, no. You look like that popstar. The one with the shitty music, boning that junkie Jake Ryan, got famous forever ago?"

"I get that a lot."

"No, it's like…uncanny. Are you sure you know which one I'm talking about? That Hannah Montana chick? You know, the one who dropped out of the public eye the exact same time that you showed up at Seaview?" Before Miley could get out a word, Mikayla started laughing. "Oh my god, you should have seen your face. Come on, do you really think I'm that stupid?" Stunned, Miley watched as Mikayla rocked back and forth in her chair. "Oh, that was a good." She wiped a tear from her good eye. "I mean, really, why the fuck would you be Hannah Montana? But I had you going, you have to admit."

"Wait." Miley blinked. "What?"

"Calm down, I was fucking with you. I don't actually think you're some shitty rich popstar." Mikayla gently repositioned her ice bag again.

"Oh." Miley was still recovering from the almost-but-not-really discovery of her secret when Lilly exited the principal's office. She rushed to her side and walked out of the room, glancing back to see Mikayla watching them closely as they left.

Over the next few days, Miley thought hard about the things Mikayla had said to her. She decided that Mikayla was right about at least one thing: something had to be done. Lilly was obviously being affected by the stress and paranoia of having a secret relationship. Her fear of being forced out of her non-labeled closet was at an all-time high. It was eating away at her.

But what could Miley do? Going behind Lilly's back and talking to her parents wasn't an option. Even talking to Jackson or Oliver could be highly detrimental at this point. But what else was there to do?

The next weekend, Miley invited Lilly over to her house while Jackson was in LA. They were sitting on the couch watching a movie. They weren't touching, they weren't talking…just sitting. An awkward tension had formed a harsh silence between them.

Miley cleared her throat. "Do you remember the first time we watched a movie together?"

"You mean Jaws?" Lilly asked nonchalantly.

"Yeah. Do you remember?" Miley pressed.

Lilly stared at her. "I kind of just said the name of the movie we watched."

"Okay, well, do you remember how you felt that night?"

"I don't know. Excited? Why?"

"We were so…passionate that night. We were happy and flirty. Everything felt so right. Being with you was the easiest thing in the world. But right now…we're not those happy, flirty girls. This is weird, Lilly. I feel awkward to be alone with you. It's never been this hard to talk to you."

"What do you want from me?" Lilly snapped. "You're the one who wanted this secret relationship. Don't you remember in Tennessee when things were fine and happy and flirty and you made things difficult? I told you things would get bad."

"Well…fine. What do you want? Do you want to break up? Is that it? Do you want to see other people? Is this just not fun for you anymore?"

"No, it's not fun, Miley. It's not fun at all. I don't have time to be fun and flirty when I'm so busy covering up this relationship that you seem almost determined to tell everyone about. I don't want to breakup, I don't want to see other people, but I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. I'm tired of keeping us a secret."

Miley could feel the tears coming. She tried to fight them back. "This is going to sound like an ultimatum, but that's not what this is, okay? Lilly…you have to decide something, and only you can make this decision. We can't keep our relationship a secret if it's hurting you this badly. You need to decide what is best for you, okay? I'm not going to ask you to pick me over your family, I just won't. I will understand if you pick them. I will. Lilly, I will understand. So, you need to make a decision because I love you too much to let you keep hurting this way. Whatever is best for you, I want you to do that."

At some point they had both let themselves cry. They moved closer and held each other tight, their tears flowing. They stayed like that for a long time. Both of them knew what Lilly needed to do. They didn't need verbal confirmation.

Lilly sniffled and lifted her head off of Miley's shoulder. All of the crying had reddened her eyes, making them an even deeper blue. "You know I love you." Miley could only nod. "I love you so, so much. But…they're my family."

"I know." Miley's voice was hoarse. "I know."

"I can't disappoint them like that."

"I know your situation, but you are not a disappointment, Lilly. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You found me when I was lost. I would probably be dead or in rehab right now if it weren't for you. I wouldn't have fallen in love with someone who was a disappointment."

"My parents aren't going to see that. My dad will see that you're a girl and then…"

"I'm not trying to convince you to change your mind." Miley choked back more tears. "I just wanted you to know that you are not a disappointment."

Lilly broke down sobbing again. "I love you."

Miley pulled her in for long hug. "I love you, too."

After a while, Lilly pulled away. "Is this…is this it? Is this…are we really ending everything?"

"Hey." Miley took Lilly's hands in hers. "This…is not over for lack of love or commitment. This is just…a mutual understanding of how things need to be. It may not be what either of us wants, but it's what is best. Family is important. You're with them for the long haul. I'm just a girl. I come with…secrets and lies and trouble. This is what's best, we both know that. We gave it our best try, and it was good. We were good. But we're going to do the right thing here. It's all going to be okay."

"I don't know if I can see you every day knowing that I can't kiss you…or hold you…or love you the way that I want to. How is that going to be okay?"

Miley hadn't considered what the aftermath of their breakup would mean for their friendship. "I don't know. Maybe our time together has run its course…completely."

Lilly blinked. "You don't even want to be friends?"

"I'm just trying to figure out what will be best for us. This isn't the easiest situation in the world here. I think that having no contact with each other will be easier for the both of us."

Slowly, Lilly nodded in agreement with fresh tears streaming down her cheeks. "I'm sorry it's come to this."

"This isn't your fault."

"Well, it's not yours."

"It's no one's. There is no blame. We are two people coming to a mutual understanding of what is right. We are being adults. What we have—had was amazing. I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I have no regrets, and you shouldn't either. We gave this everything we had, and I think that is what matters. But we have three months left before we graduate. You're going to Stanford, I'm going back to my music career…we were destined to breakup eventually."

"It seemed so far away."

"I know."

"I feel like there should be yelling and screaming. This is just really…sad."

"Yeah, I guess."

Lilly cracked a weak smile. "Whatever you do, just promise me you won't get with Mikayla."

Miley smiled back. "I promise."

Lilly's smile dropped. "This doesn't even feel real."

"I know."

"I feel like someone died."

"I know."

"I guess…this is really goodbye, huh?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is goodbye."

"I really do love you, Miley."

"I really love you, too."

"I'll miss you. A lot."

"Me too."

"Yeah. I guess…I guess I should go now?"

"Yeah, that would…that would probably be best."

"Are we sure that we're doing the right thing?"

Miley swallowed hard. "Do you really think that we aren't?"

Lilly's bottom lip trembled. "I'm not ready."

"We'll never be ready."

"I don't want to lose you."

"Neither do I."

Lilly took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Well, it was nice knowing you. I guess."

Miley nodded. "I guess it was nice knowing you, too."

Lilly stood and walked around the couch. She opened the door but couldn't step outside. After a few moments, she turned and said, "It wasn't about what was waiting on the other side. It was the climb. It was our climb. That's what mattered."

And then suddenly the door was shut and Lilly was gone. The silence that followed was broken by a loud sob. Miley found herself curled up in a ball on the floor, her sobs shaking her whole body. She had never done something so hard in her whole life. The full weight of what had taken place was crashing down on her. The crippling silence drew out more tears. It was hitting her hard.

Lilly was gone. Her lover, her best friend, her savior. Gone. Everything they had built together, every secret, every kiss, every inside joke, every conversation, every memory, every touch…over. It was all over. They were done. Just like that, everything was over.

And once again, she was alone.