Outsourcing to India
Chapter 6
Disclaimer: TBBT belongs to them, this belongs to me.
Sheldon stood at his whiteboard, still and pale, his eyes red rimmed and blank. The marker pen in his hand dangled uncapped and unused as he stared into the middle distance, insensible of the room around him. Formulas and theories that would change man's understanding of the universe should have filled his mind and been scrawled across the white expanse of the board. Instead, the board was blank and his head was full of Amy and Raj and the bloody, bloody mess that he had made of his friendships with them.
With Leonard away at Alex's for the weekend and Penny at Amy's, Sheldon had been alone in the apartment. Alone to brood over the recent events that had befallen him, with his eidetic memory providing the fodder for his ruminations. That faculty, which had always been a source of pride to him, had now become a curse. It tortured him, as he continually reviewed and analysed the events of the last few weeks, never able to draw any conclusions. Desperately, he tried to distract himself by becoming immersed in his work and his hobbies, but to no avail. Always his memory would drag him back to his folly and his shame.
Even in sleep, he could find no sanctuary. For the most part sleep eluded him, but the few ragged hours he did manage to salvage from the night, were racked with dreams distorted by guilt. He awoke from his slumber more exhausted then if he had never slept at all.
As the rain from a heavy shower trickled down the windowpane, Sheldon stood in his apartment, wrapped in thought. A sudden rat-tat-tat on the door startled him back to reality. Before he could move to answer the summons, the door swung open and he spun round to face whoever it was that dared disturb his painful reflections.
Raj entered through the doorway first, quickly followed by Amy. Sheldon's eyes immediately fell to their intertwined hands. He looked back up at their faces, his inability to read expression hindering his interpretation of the emotions he saw writ there. Was that nervousness and fear on Amy's face, was that an expression of purposeful resolve on Raj's?
"Good morning, Sheldon," Raj said politely.
Sheldon raised an eyebrow. Raj was speaking in front of a female, had he been drinking at this time of the morning?
"Good morning Raj – Amy," Sheldon responded, equally polite, with a nod at each of them as he spoke their names. Amy smiled nervously before adding her greeting.
"Good morning," she took a shaky breath, "Sheldon, Raj and I need to talk with you about the 'arrangement' between the three of us."
Sheldon nodded, it was what he had been expecting after all. Putting down the marker pen, he left the whiteboard and walked toward the kitchen.
"Would you care for a hot beverage?" he asked mechanically, mindful of his Momma's teachings.
Amy looked at Raj, a question in her eyes. Raj shook his head. He was so nervous he thought he might vomit if he tried to swallow anything. Plus, he needed to resist the urge to run to the bathroom as it was – a full bladder would not help the situation!
"No, no thank you," Amy replied, on behalf of them both.
"Alrighty," Sheldon responded quietly, turning to the refrigerator and removing a bottle of water.
Walking to his 'spot' on the couch, he sat down and put the water bottle on the coffee table in front of him. Pushing back into the cushions, he placed his hands on his knees and looked up to see Amy and Raj watching him, apparently transfixed by his actions.
"Please, take a seat and make yourselves comfortable," he said, breaking the spell that held them immobile.
Reluctantly, they released one another's hands, not wanting to loose the physical contact and the courage that it gave them. Amy moved to the middle seat of the couch, while Raj sat in the easy chair on the left of Sheldon's 'spot'. Unconsciously, they turned their bodies toward Sheldon, making him the focus of their small group. Taking a deep breath and her courage in both hands, Amy began.
"Sheldon, as you know, over the last few weeks we three have been involved in a relationship experiment. An experiment, devised by you, that was created to try and meet the individual needs of its participants," she looked at Sheldon for confirmation of her summary of events.
"Correct," he responded faintly, using his hand to shield his twitching left eye from view.
"I don't really understand why we did agree to it," she speculated, "I think Raj and I were at such low ebbs, psychologically and emotionally, and you were so very insistent…"
Raj concurred, nodding his head.
"But, agree we did, except… we didn't exactly follow your plan," she looked across at Raj and he smiled encouragingly.
A faint look of surprise washed over Sheldon's face at her statement. He turned toward her, his eyes questioning, seeking clarification.
"Raj and I spent time together, Sheldon, but only as friends," she elucidated, "No coitus took place!"
"Then what…?" his voice tailed off as he realised the impropriety of his question. After all, there were other carnal acts that they could have engaged in to reach climax; he'd seen them on the Internet, he wasn't completely clueless!
"We talked Sheldon, just talked. Shared our thoughts and feelings – that sort of thing." Amy replied, slightly impatient.
"Oh…?" Still there was a look of puzzlement on Sheldon's face. How could 'just talking' change their previously gloomy behaviour to one of relaxed contentment? A contentment that he had mistook for the satisfied after glow of coitus!
"We got to know one another, dude," Raj interjected, seeking to clarify, "and the more we got to know, the more we liked what we found."
"And the more we liked what we found, the more we wanted to get to know," Amy carried on with a smile at Raj, "until…"
"Until, we fell in love," his voice husky with emotion, Raj locked eyes with Amy.
Feeling vaguely nauseated by the sweetness emanating from the happy couple, even Sheldon could appreciate the irony of the situation. The one thing he had not calculated into his hypothesis, was that Amy and Raj would be able to converse with one another. After all, that was meant to be his and Amy's special thing!
He had postulated that the experiment might fail if they found one another sexually repulsive, or if their natural reticence was unable to bypass the social taboos. But, he had convinced himself that these problems would crumble in the face of the sexual desperation that they both appeared to exhibit. It had never entered his head that they would be able to establish some form of deep and meaningful communication, which would eventually lead to the downfall of his social experiment.
Feeling like a voyeur watching the private act of two lovers', Sheldon observed Amy and Raj, as they became lost in one another's gaze. It appeared to him that they were conversing silently through their steady regard of one another, exchanging thoughts and emotions without a word spoken. In all the time that he and Amy spent together, they had never experienced this level of intimacy and a feeling of regret burst in his heart. If he couldn't feel that type of unity with Amy, the person more like him than anyone he'd ever met, would he ever know it?
Finally, he realised that the relationship paradigm he had with Amy and Raj would be altered forever from this point on. No longer could he seek exclusivity in his dealings with Amy. No longer could his interactions with Raj be completed, without regard of another's feelings. They were a couple and, if he wanted to salvage his friendship with them, he would need to accept whatever crumbs they were prepared to give him.
Clearing his throat tentatively, he spoke. "So, in conclusion?"
Breaking her eyes away from Raj, Amy regarded the tall, thin man sat beside her. Somehow, he looked crumpled and lost and, knowing the hurt she was to inflict, her heart ached for what she was about to say.
"In conclusion," she paused, not knowing how to proceed.
How could she say this? How could she say something that would profoundly alter Sheldon's universe and possibly destabilise his sanity? Her eyes drifted past Sheldon and her heart skipped a beat as Raj came into focus. He was watching her, clearly aware of her dilemma, his eyes filled with love and concern. She felt her resolve return. The man looking at her, with such emotion, was her future and she needed to run toward that future no matter what obstacles lay in her path. The analogy of the Band-Aid came to her mind. Ripping it off suddenly was often less painful than peeling it slowly, she pondered. Taking a deep breath, she made a decision.
"Sheldon, I would ask that you release me from our Relationship Agreement, thus, allowing me to pursue a relationship with Raj," she blurted out, before she could loose her nerve. There, it was said and she quailed inside at her boldness!
Although he knew it was coming, her words panicked him. His intellect told him it was impossible, but he could swear that he palpably felt the paradigm shift. His eyes snapped away from her and came to rest on his hands, his knuckles white as they grasped his knees in desperation; desperation born of his need to maintain an unchanging world around him. She placed her hand over one of his and gently squeezed, in commiseration. His eye ticked maddeningly as he swallowed hard and nodded, determined to maintain some semblance of control.
Easing himself to the edge of the cushion on which he sat, he stood and walked to his computer desk. Opening the desk drawer, he removed a sheaf of papers and a pen before returning to the couch and placing the items on the coffee table. Shuffling through the papers he came to the section he was looking for and spoke.
"If you would please sign the termination section of the Relationship Agreement Amy," he requested, his voice steady, but his hand trembling as he passed her the pen.
After Amy had signed in the appropriate places, Sheldon took the pen and papers and turned to Raj, asking that he witness her signature. This completed, he shuffled and tapped the papers into alignment and, after Amy declined a copy, deposited them back into the desk drawer.
Turning away from the desk, Sheldon contemplated Raj and Amy for a moment. The time had now come. He had to try and rebuild the bridges that had been destroyed by embroiling his friends in this bizarre experiment. Taking a stand in the middle of the room, he clasped his hands behind his back, drawing their attention.
"Before we conclude our business today, there is something I would like to say to you both," his facial ticks increased in severity as his anxiety levels rose.
"What is it Sheldon?" Amy urged gently after a few seconds, as he stood there silent, gazing at the floor.
Raising his gaze from the floor, he looked into her eyes and appeared to take courage from the concern he found there. He lifted his chin a little.
"I wish to apologise for asking you both to participate in this hideous experiment and for the needless pain that it has caused."
Amy and Raj looked at one another in shock! Never in a million years would they have expected an apology from Sheldon! Their eyes were drawn back to him as he continued.
"After my discussion with Penny yesterday, and the period of reflection that followed, I've come to appreciate how inappropriate this experiment was. My 'plan' was asinine and immature. I cannot believe that I exposed my friendships with you to such peril, by suggesting it," he shook his head sadly, "It was not the act of a friend to ask the two of you to become involved with this folly."
He took a step forward and spread out his hands in an act of supplication.
"Amy, I understand completely that you and I can no longer be in a romantic relationship, but I beg you both to remain my friends," he pleaded, looking from her to Raj, "The loss of your friendship would be the hardest thing for me to bear. If you can forgive me for my thoughtless act, I would be eternally grateful."
Amy's eyes misted with unshed tears as she looked at Sheldon standing in the middle of the room twitching and flinching as if, with every word spoken, a whip was lashing him. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Raj wipe a tear from his cheek.
Sheldon was the alpha male in their geekdom, love him or loathe him, you couldn't ignore that. To find the great Sheldor, metaphorically, brought to his knees and begging for mercy was a pitiful sight! And yet, somehow, it demonstrated the greatness of the man. To admit his mistake, apologise and then beg for forgiveness, that was the act of a man of courage and worth.
For some reason, the memory of their Arctic sojourn came to Raj's mind. He remembered the professional fallout that Sheldon had to endure on their return to Pasadena. Suddenly Raj felt embarrassed and humbled. Why hadn't he shown this same level of courage that he saw displayed here today? Why hadn't he begged for forgiveness from Sheldon, for his part in the fiasco? In truth, Raj realised, Sheldon didn't owe him an apology, it was the other way round.
Leaping out of his chair, with two giant strides, Raj reached Sheldon's side and embraced him in a hug. The look of horror and astonishment on Sheldon's face was a sight to behold! If the atmosphere in the apartment hadn't been so emotive, Amy would have laughed out loud in amusement.
"Aw, dude, don't take on so. You were a schmuck for coming up with the idea, we were schmucks for agreeing to it. Of course, we will remain your friends, isn't that right Amy?" Raj turned toward her, releasing his hold on Sheldon, much to Sheldon's obvious relief.
"Of course," she agreed, without hesitation, "there is no question that we will always be your friends Sheldon, whether you can accept Raj and I as a couple, or not."
As her words sank in, Sheldon's facial spasms began to ease and fade. Finally, as his face came to rest, the only emotion apparent was held in his expressive blue eyes, one of gratitude.
"Thank you, Amy – Raj, I consider myself fortunate to count you among my most trusted friends. Please believe, I will have no problem supporting your newly acquired co-dependence," he said sincerely.
The atmosphere in the room began to relax as the three friends finally made their peace with one another. If a room could have sighed with relief, then this room would have done.
Now, that the situation between the three of them had been clarified, with apologies made and accepted, Sheldon desperately wanted Amy and Raj to leave. He needed this, like he needed air to breathe. It was imperative that he have time alone to process what had occurred and regain control of his overwrought emotions. To this end, his demeanour became more purposeful as he continued.
"I believe that concludes our business today, and so, will bid you adieu. I have woefully neglected my work over recent weeks and need to address some issues arising from that," he gave in explanation.
Summarily dismissed, a surprised Amy and Raj made there hasty farewells and left, with Sheldon shepherding them all the way to the door. He closed the door behind them and locked it. Briefly, resting his forehead on the door, his shoulders sagged with relief.
The interview had gone far better than he could have hoped for, they had forgiven him and their friendships would remain a constant in his life. Yes, he had lost any romantic stake he had with Amy, but that was a small price to pay if he could preserve his friendships with her and Raj. He had expected far worse. Now, he could relax and let go of the humiliation arising from his reckless plan.
Only it wouldn't release it's hold on him. He could feel it still, gnawing away at his insides like a parasitic worm. Reminding him how stupid and naïve he had been when dealing with emotions, how he had betrayed his high ideals regarding friendship, honour and loyalty. Confirming to him that he was not, nor ever could be, the Homo Novus he had thought he was. He was just a frail human man, after all. As liable to make mistakes as the next ordinary Joe and not the epitome of perfection that he thought he should be.
In his mind, he had let everyone who gave a damn about him, down. Though Amy and Raj had forgiven him, he couldn't forgive himself. His mind kept grinding out its' message of failure, slowly poisoning his system and unhinging his perspective.
Turning away from the door he swiftly walked to the sanctuary of his bedroom, his refuge from the world. In here, he could unleash the emotions that were threatening to unravel his mind and overwhelm his psyche. In here, he could just let go and let the dice fall where they may.
-oXo-