Chapter Six
Tseng found her after she found him. Found him after it was over. Found him after any hope of rescue rattled past his bloodied lips. She rushed to his body, slamming Full Cure into his body, refusing to believe it when it nothing happened. Her knees hit the blood and rain soaked ground. "Zack?" she whispered. "Zack? Can you hear me?"
His dead eyes stared at the weeping heavens.
"Zack?" She cast Full Cure again and again and again. Each time faster than the last. Black spots danced in front of her eyes. She didn't realize she was crying until she couldn't see him anymore. Tseng touched her shoulder.
"Cissnei –"
She shot to her feet, spinning, eyes flashing with rage. "Don't you . . . don't you talk to me. Don't you ever talk to me!"
His lips tightened into a thin line.
Cissnei dropped back at Zack's side. "So this is it," she said, trying and failing to keep the emotion out of her voice.
"Cissnei," Tseng said again, trying to reach her.
She looked up at him with eyes full of too much emotion. "Please, Tseng, go away. Leave me alone . . . to say goodbye." He lingered for a long time, speaking to her words that she either couldn't or wouldn't hear. After a while he returned to the helicopter. It stopped raining. The blue of day bled into the black of night.
The air smelled of rain and blood and death. Cissnei held Zack's hand, mind spinning through every moment in the past few weeks. Every moment since that fateful moment on the beach. Every moment since she casually sauntered away in Gongaga. What could she have done differently?
She wanted to find that thing that would make it so it was all her fault he was dead, but all she could think was that if only she were more like Aeris, less of a Turk, less Cissnei. If only she were different, someone better, someone sweet instead of only someone who looked sweet, someone who could make Zack smile all the time, someone who smelled like flowers and soap instead of sweat and blood . . . if only she were better, than Zack could have loved her. And when they met on the beach, by the cliffs, in the village square . . . when that happened, Zack could have stopped his foolish quest to Midgar.
They could have run away together. Taken care of the other sample and evaded ShinRa's omnipresent taint of death for ever and ever.
Tseng was trying to pick her up. He drew her to her feet. When she seemed steady, he let go. "We have to leave. We'll bury –" He swore because the second he let her go, she flopped back to the ground like a lifeless puppet. The mud around Zack's body was hued red. Several splotches of mud hit Zack's face. Cissnei very calmly wiped them off.
He ran his hands through his hair, debating just knocking her out and taking her home. He had never seen Cissnei like this and prayed that he would never see it again. His PHS rang. It wasn't like they could just stay out here. He glanced at the display: President ShinRa. He snapped the phone open, dreading his new orders. As suspected, he was needed at the office immediately.
"Cissnei, it's time to go."
Cissnei frowned, wishing that Tseng would just go, just leave. Part of her brain turned back on. She stood up, meeting his black eyed stare with one of her own. "It's okay, Tseng. This was . . . I expected that we would find him first. I wasn't prepared."
His eyes narrowed. He knew she was lying about it being okay.
"Is that the office?" she asked. "Do you have to go back?"
"We have to go back," he said. "Both of us –"
"That's alright, I'll stay," she said. "I don't want to bring him back to Midgar. I'll bury him out here. There's a shovel in the chopper, right?" Without waiting for his response, she walked to the helicopter, pulling open the back panel and removing a black handled spade. "I have my shuriken and several materia, so I'll be alright. The monsters around here aren't really that tough anyway. In fact," she said, forcing a smile, "The fight must have really been something because there really aren't any monsters in the area." Her smile faltered slightly. "Well, except us of course, but it's not like I'm going to kill myself, so you don't have to worry." She paused, realizing that she was rambling. She tried to close down all emotions and give Tseng the perfect little Turk that she usually didn't have to pretend to be.
Tseng was shaking his head. "No, Cissnei. We'll go –"
"No!" she snapped, patience breaking. "I'm going to bury him and then walk back. If you're so damn worried about me, then send a car to pick me up. I'll be on the main road."
She strolled into the darkness, keeping Zack's fallen form in her line of sight. Without looking at Tseng, she slammed the shovel into the rocky ground. It resisted her, but she was determined. She stepped back, summoning a bolt spell to weaken the ground. Several strikes later, she was able to start moving the earth.
She dug with single-mindedness, blotting out everything. The strain to her muscles was soothing. All her thoughts focused on digging. She'd dug more graves than a woman should have ever dug. Most were shallow, just deep enough to cover the bodies of those who crossed the Turks or their masters. This one was getting deeper by the second.
Tseng must have left because when she finally stopped digging, he was gone. Her body felt weary. She dropped the shovel and crawled to Zack's body. He still stared blankly at the night sky. She sighed. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I couldn't be . . . better." She drew her fingers down, closing his eyes. His skin was ice to her touch.
She leaned down, brushing her lips against his forehead. "I . . . cared for you, you know. More than as a friend." She bit her bottom lip. "You made me . . . better. You made everyone better." She choked, throat tightening. "You even made Tseng better, you know. You told me once that he was too serious, but whenever he talked about you he would get that amused look. He'll . . . take care of Aeris for you, you know. He takes his promises seriously."
Zack didn't respond. She wanted him to.
"Dammit Zack." She fumbled with her supplies, pulling out a handful of phoenix downs and throwing them onto his lifeless body. "LIVE! Just come back, kay?" Red sparks from the feathers lit up the darkness for a second, images of a cherub appearing like fairies to dust him with the magic of life. But his chest didn't rise and his eyes didn't open.
She threw her head back and screamed, screamed, screamed. Again and again and again. Until her voice hurt and her head felt light, nausea threatening to leave her sprawled unconscious by his side. Instead she lay beside him, staring at the heavens.
"Your mother is planning your wedding, you know," she said, softly. It'll on the cliffs. You'll be able to see the entire Gongaga forest, and out to the sea. She said the flowers were going to be roses and daisies. She told me that before you wanted to be in SOLDIER you used to collect flowers and bring them home. The roses are going to be pink and the daisies white. You'll wear a black suit, kinda like me, you know. I bet you look real handsome in a tux."
Her fingers tightened around his hand, hating way they already felt stiff and cold. Lifeless. She kept talking, trying to stave off more screaming. Eventually she would draw some monster to her if she wasn't careful. And she wasn't sure she would fight right now.
Instead she continued talking about a wedding that wouldn't happen. About how the entire village would turn out. And maybe his friends from SOLDIER could come too. His mentor, Angeal, would be the best man. He would stand for Zack as he prepared to share his life with the woman of his dreams.
Cissnei told him that she would be a bridesmaid. She would wear pink, because that's the color Aeris would have the bridesmaids wear. She would tie her hair into some silly updo, pin flowers in it and smile. Because she wanted him to be happy.
Aeris would be his vision in white. And he would vow to her that he would love her forever and ever, till death do us part. "Death . . ." she whispered. "Oh hell. What am I saying?" She sat up, rubbing her eyes, trying to get the sting of grief from them. "Here I am – just as bad as your momma, planning for nothing."
"What do you think of that Zack? Pretty stupid, huh?"
He didn't answer, but if he did, he would have made her cry. He wouldn't think it was stupid at all. She started sobbing, tears no longer silent.
But her PHS was ringing. Had been ringing for a while. She dragged it from her pocket, opening it, swallowing the tears and hiccups. "Tseng?"
"Oh thank heavens," he said, relief palpable. "Where are you?"
"On my way back," she lied. "I buried Zack, but I want to report that he was . . . eaten by scavengers and there is nothing left. That way no one will come for him."
"Agreed," Tseng said without hesitation. Then, after a pause, "Are you alright, Cissnei?"
"Yes," she lied. She swallowed a hiccup. "Not 100%, but I'll be okay. I'll probably hit a couple of bars and then sleep all day tomorrow. Would it be alright if I didn't come in?"
"Yes, yes," Tseng said. "Take a couple of days. The fallout from Veld is . . . making things delicate, but Reno, Rude, and I will manage without you for a few. But Cissnei . . ."
"Yes?"
"Call me as soon as you get to Midgar. I'm coming to see you."
"Sure thing," she said. "It'll be just a couple of hours now."
She expected Tseng to hang up, but instead he remained on the line, quiet. "Stella –" he said after almost two minutes of silence.
Her real name. The one she didn't get to tell Zack because she couldn't find him in time. . She felt the tears again, followed by the urge to scream, followed by a new sensation: the desire to destroy. She wanted to break everything, ruin everything. She wanted to tell Tseng that it was his fault Zack was dead. And that she hoped he was happy with losing one of the only people who was an unconditional friend without a hidden agenda.
Instead she hung up and flung her phone as far as it would go. It landed some thirty-seven feet away, breaking into pieces. She pulled her handgun and shot the offending piece of plastic and glass until she couldn't see any fragments anymore.
Zack still hadn't moved. His grave loomed in the darkness. She was going to have to put him in it now. Before someone showed up to find his body. When she touched him, the anger melted. She went back into stunned mode, moving his body as gently as she could. The ground where he had been lying was soaked in blood.
His body was stiff and didn't move well. This, she thought, was what all her good memories came to: death. She lowered his body into the crude grave, taking care not to abuse it further. She positioned his arms on his chest. Stared at him.
"I'll never forget you."
Nothing.
"I hate you."
Nothing.
"I wish . . . I never met you."
Nothing.
"I didn't mean that. I could never regret meeting you."
Nothing.
"You tried to rescue me, do you remember?"
Nothing.
"And I told you my name was Cissnei."
Nothing.
"You were so surprised that I was with the Turks."
Nothing.
"You saved me . . ."
Nothing.
"Wake up?"
Nothing.
"I love you, Zack."
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
She took the shovel, hating the tremble in her voice. The tremor in her hands. The first shoveful of dirt felt the hardest, seeing it hit his body almost more than she could bear. The second was harder. When some dirt hit his face she almost stopped. Pure stubbornness made her keep going. She screamed the entire time. And when the grave was filled, she felt really bad.
Zack Fair, SOLDIER First class, relegated to an unmarked grave. No. That wasn't right. She would mark it with his sword. He needed his sword.
Except she couldn't find it.
That was what saved her. His sword was missing. The part of her that was a Turk kicked in, started looking for clues. There was a furrow in the earth, leading to the plains. She followed it, steps deft. The monsters still hung back, but the further from Zack she got, the more she could see the glare of their eyes in the darkness.
The trail was broken, jagged, and uneven. As it a drunk were using the sword to draw lines in the sand on a beach. She found the sword at the first blush of dawn. It was clasped between the trembling fingers of a young man with spiky blond hair.
"The other sample," she whispered, trying to remember his name. She reached his side in a heartbeat, casting Full Cure. He perked up a bit, glancing at her with soft blue eyes, infused with mako light. "For the both of us . . . " he murmured. "I'm gonna live, Zack."
"Yes," she said. "For both of you." She grabbed him into a tight hug. "I'm gonna help you, kay? Get you into the city. You can disappear." She bit her lip. "What's your name?"
"Z-zack."
"He's dead," she said. "I . . . buried him."
"I'm dead?"
"No. Zack's . . . dead. You're not Zack."
He frowned, brow pinched. "I'm not Zack," he repeated. "I'm . . . Cloud," he said after a drawn out moment. "Cloud Strife. SOLDIER First Class."
"Right," Cissnei agreed, hardly hearing him. "Cloud Strife. But you're not with SOLDIER anymore, okay. You' not with ShinRa. We're . . . ShinRa's evil, okay?"
He shook his head slightly, confused.
She hugged him again. "It's okay, the mako will affect you for a while."
They didn't talk after that. She helped him into Midgar. For a while she was tempted to bring him to Aeris's church, but at the last second she remembered that place was under surveillance. Instead she took him to her apartment, letting him sleep off his mako poisoning in the safety of a Turk's bedroom. No one would look for him there.
For weeks she tended to him, keeping Zack out of her mind. Then, one day, she came back and he was gone. Just like Zack, slipping off in the middle of the night.
But that was okay. If nothing else, she understood that Cloud was Zack's living legacy. And no part of Zack could ever stay with her. Except all those little moments when he made her life better.
Author's Note: This is the end. More or less. I might write an epilogue to explain where Cissnei ended up after Cloud left - maybe even a renunion between the two of them. I haven't decided yet, but feedback on whether that would be something you'd be interested in would help me make up my mind. Well, to be more specific, I'm debating if I should just break down and write a multi-part story with Cissnei/Cloud set after AC or if I should just do an epilogue to this. Let me know in reviews :)
Anyway, thank you to everyone who has reviewed, faved, and followed this story.