Now
EPOV
"Dad!" I smiled as I spotted Nessie across the parking lot. It was Friday afternoon and like every Friday afternoon I was in town, I picked up Nessie at school, we went surfing, and then out to dinner. It was something I looked forward to every week, sometimes it was the only thing I looked forward too. Nessie filled up all the empty places inside me that her mother left. Mostly.
I leaned against my Volvo, hidden behind a pair of sunglasses in an attempt to remain anonymous. I usually didn't have a problem with my famous face at Nessie's private school as I was not the most famous parent by a long shot, but the occasional lonely housewife would flirt shamelessly while my daughter stood by, giggling at my discomfort.
I smiled as I watched Nessie make slow progress towards me, every few feet she was stopped by her classmates. How Bella and I managed to produce such a social butterfly was beyond me. I was notoriously anti-social with anyone but my closest friends while Bella used being social as a kind of shield against the world.
Nessie genuinely liked people.
When Nessie finally made her way over to me, she ran the last couple feet and leapt into my arms. I lifted her little form off the ground and her tinkling giggle was the most beautiful music. My heart gave a lurch as her laughter reminded me of her mother's but I was able to push the depression down because I would have Nessie for the next 2 and a half days.
"Look Dad," she squeaked with excitement when I put her down. "It is a sketch of the caterpillars we have in class. Mrs. Duffy said we are going to draw them every week so we can chart their progress. It is science!"
I inched back away from the drawing so I could actually see what she was waving in my face. It was two caterpillars curled together on a leaf with the cage in the background. It was incredibly detailed, down to the veins on the leaves and the shadows underneath the bugs.
I was damn impressed, but not entirely surprised. Nessie was highly artistic, she could sing in perfect pitch and played the piano with soul. .
"Wow Ness, where and when did you learn to draw like this? And why do I not have any of your pictures hanging in my house?" I asked as I continued to study her artwork.
"I don't know. I just did it. Can we put it up on the refrigerator?"
"Let's say I get in framed and you can hang it anywhere in the house."
"Really?" She asked suddenly worried, he little brow creasing with concentration. "You think it is that good?"
"Yup." I said as I put my arm over her shoulder and steered her into the backseat of my car. I made a mental note to ask Alice about getting Nessie some art lessons. "So are you ready to hit the waves?"
"Definitely!"
After a couple hours in the ocean, I took Nessie to Cy's a little family owned diner that had the best milkshakes on the west coast. Nessie was bouncing excitedly in her seat across from me while she talked non-stop, filling me in on her week pausing only to plop a milkshake drenched fry into her perfect little mouth.
I resisted the urge to ask questions that would slowly get my daughter to talk about Bella. It was shameful really, that I resorted to tricking a ten year old into giving me glimpses into the life of my ex. I had tried asking Alice about her sister but she had a firm 'no Bella talk' policy that was also followed by Rose, Jasper, and even my own brother. Nessie was my only source and I craved hearing stories of Bella's life like I craved scotch on lonely nights.
This was one vice I would not deny myself.
"So have you listened any more to the new album?" I asked my daughter, wanting to know what she and her mother thought of our latest work.
"It is my favorite!" She yelled as she clapped her hands together. I grinned; everything was Nessie's favorite. From Bill Monroe to some alarming girl band called B*Witched, Nessie loved it all. "The best one is 'Never Sunny Sunday," can you teach me how to play the piano part? Please? Oh it is so good. It made mom cry for some reason though. She also cried during 'In the Areoplane Over the Sea.' Isn't that a cover?"
I perked up at this and immediately felt guilty. I didn't want to make Bella cry anymore then I already had. Though I really wasn't surprised,
"Yes, it is a Neutral Milk Hotel song. She didn't say why she cried?" I could guess, 'Never Sunny,' was a bluesy ballad that spoke of loss and unattainable redemption. It also had some direct references to Bella. I used to try to disguise her influence in my music, knowing that she would listen to it and hoping that she wouldn't find out how much she was still apart of me. On this last album, I had let go for the first time, just writing down what came to me. I was too tired to keep pretending.
"No, she said she had allergies, but I am not that dumb. I didn't want to make her feel worse though. I was just glad she is letting me play it in the car on the way to school every morning. I don't think Jake likes it though."
As she went on to describe the latest video game war she and Jake got into I seethed in silence while working on keeping a normal look on my face.
Jacob Black. How I hated him. From the moment he moved here, it was obvious that he had the hots for Bella. He continued to show his interest, despite me making it clear that he needed to back off. Bella hadn't helped though, claiming that she liked Jake and enjoyed being his friend. She would reassure me with her kisses that she had zero interest in him.
And now it was Jake that got her reassuring kisses.
When I first heard they started dating about a year ago, it took all my will power to refrain from driving to the auto shop where he worked and kicking his ass. When I ruled that option out, I seriously considered getting drunk for the first time since I got sober 7 years ago.
I made music instead. The end result after that extremely productive period of time was our latest album, New Moon.
And the sick part was, after all this time, I didn't give a flying fuck if it bombed or went platinum, only the opinion of one person mattered.
On the car ride home, we stuck to safer topics. School, the band, and her Uncle Emmett.
"Why can't they just get married?" Nessie was complaining as we drove home from the restaurant. "I liked being the flower girl for Aunt Ali and Uncle Jaspers wedding. If they get married I could wear a beautiful dress." Alice and Jasper got married five years ago. It was the last time I saw Bella. She wouldn't even look at me and danced all night with Jacob. "Do you think they love each other?" Nessie asked, bringing me back to the present.
"Of course I do." Emmet and Rose had been together since the move to L.A and had lived together since we graduated high school. Emmett had been asking Rosalie to marry him for years. She claimed she didn't believe in the whole institution and refused, saying she liked the way things were. They had some major blowouts about it, but I got the sense it was some form of sexual foreplay for them. Sometimes with Rose and Emmett, it was best not to ask.
"Then why don't they get married?"
I sighed. Ness was to smart for her own good. It was tough answering some of her questions.
"Because they are happy the way things are. Sometimes adults are silly about relationships." I said, praying that she would get off this line of questioning.
"Someday I am going to get married. And I am going to have a big puffy dress."
"Not to soon I hope." I grumbled, not liking to think about how quickly my little girl was growing up.
"Do you love Tanya?"
"I don't know yet. Right now we are still getting to know each other. Maybe someday I will. " Not fucking likely.
"I think Mama loves Jake. Maybe they will get married." I considered pulling over and laying down in the middle of the highway at the thought. "Daddy?"
"Yes sweetheart?" I said, nervous at her tone. She was about to use her full arsenal of charms to get me to do something for her. Like I could deny her anything.
"I know you don't like to talk about it, but could you please, please, tell me about when you and Mom fell in love? I don't remember it. Mom says I was too little when we left." I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. Recently, Nessie had been asking a lot of questions about Bella and I. She was naturally curious about where she came from, but I hated talking to her about it. Thinking of the happy little family unit we could have been if only I hadn't been such an idiot and if Bella had loved me for real was exhausting.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I told her. She said she had heard the story lots of times, but only from Bella. Apparently, it was one of Nessie's favorite bedtime stories. That was something I would have known, if I could only had been there.
When I was done, Nessie had more questions.
"So now you don't love each other?" She asked quietly from the back seat as she stared down at that hands in her lap. She looked so sad. My heart broke for my daughter. I wanted to give her everything, but I couldn't give her want she really needed, a complete set of parents who loved each other.
"I will always love your mother in a way Nessie," I said, unwilling to lie to my daughter about something so important. "We were so young when we had you, it was to much. But we both love you so much, and that is what really matters."
"I love you too Dad," She said as we pulled into my gated driveway that was hidden by thick forest and shrubbery. I pulled the Volvo into the garage attached to my house. I bought it last year and loved it. It was a one level, 5 bedroom, 4 bath that sat on the beach. The ceilings were a dark wood and the floors were orange Spanish tile.
I walked into the roomy kitchen, dropping Nessie's backpack on the kitchen table as I went. I paused to stare out the floor to ceiling windows, looking past the swimming pool, and the green lawn with its massive ancient oak trees to the water.
With a rolled up piece of scotch tape, I replaced the landscape hanging in the kitchen with Nessie's bugs. It would have to do until I could get it framed.
~*~*~
BPOV
Over the weekend, things with Jake settled back into the normal, comfortable routine. At times I even forgot that there was a huge Edward shaped elephant in the room.
On Friday night Jake took me out to dinner at a local Mexican food restaurant. The decoration was kitschy, and the live mariachi band was too loud, but the food was good and Jake made me laugh.
We made love all night, but I woke up Saturday morning alone.
That night we stayed in and watched movies. Jacob let me pick, but was so bored with my Tim Burton choice that he fell asleep promptly when the movie began.
When it ended, I woke him up with my hand in his pants and my lips on his in an attempt to ease more of the sorrow between us. I must have done something right because I woke up in his arms.
But Sunday, I really started to believe all was well. After making him a big, eggy breakfast, we went to the local farmers market and art show. We walked hand in hand through the rows of fresh fruit and veggies and enjoyed just being together.
"So Bella," He said that evening when we got home while I was slicing organic zucchini and making a frittata for dinner. "I was thinking of going to Forks, visiting the old man, hanging out with Quil and Embry."
"And when is this big trip to Washington?" I asked, still focusing on thinly slicing the vegetables.
"Well that depends on when you can get of work." He said from somewhere behind me. My rhythmic slicing faltered only momentarily as I processed this.
Jake wanted us to go away together. It was one of those things that only serious couples did. And I didn't want to do anything that made Jake and I seem more serious.
But I had to give Jake something, it had been a rough week for the two of us. I had to show him that I could be everything he wanted in a girlfriend. I also sensed that Jacob was throwing down some sort of gauntlet. This was a challenge, a test to see if I could ever love him like he deserved. And I was never one to back out of a challenge.
Except maybe with Edward.
"You want me to go with you? To Forks?" I clarified, still hoping to get out of it somehow.
"Yup, you haven't seen Billy since we started dating. Plus it would be nice to get away for a long weekend. Maybe we could take a Friday and Monday off." He had come up behind me and was working the tension out of my shoulders.
"Well," I began, turning to wrap my arms around his waist while I ran through my schedule and Nessie's in my head. "Things at work should have slowed down some by the end of the month. So yes, soon."
"Really!?!" He said sounding like a jubilant little kid, reminding me of when we first met. "You'll come away with me?"
I nodded shyly, grinning at his joyous reaction. This horrible trip might just be worth it if this one little thing made Jake so damn happy.
Jake let out a some sort of war cry as picked me up, spun me around, and set me down on the counter in front of him.
"Bella, I love you. It is going to be great." He kissed me quickly before pulling away to smile at me, only to return a moment later to kiss me again more seriously.
I sighed, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. I drew him closer, enjoying his heat. One hand supported my back with his palm against my skin while the other cupped my breast. Then I heard the pitter-patter of little feet.
I broke away from Jake at the sound of Nessie's groan that quickly followed.
"Jeeze Mom, you guys are gross." She said, crossing her arms and glaring at Jake and I entangled on the counter. I smiled at my daughter and was about to welcome her home when a talk figure appeared behind her.
He was here, in my house. In the flesh, standing behind our daughter, he looked more beautiful then I remembered. My hands shoved Jake away with much more force then necessary.
I was feeling guilty again. It took me years to stop feeling like I was cheating on Edward every time I was physical with another man.
The guilt was back with a vengeance. Jake would be pissed, but I couldn't deal with that now.
Edward was in my house.
"Mom! Aunt Alice called saying she had a fashion emergency. And you were not answering your phone so Dad drove me home and now I am going to show him my room." She explained.
After her little announcement, the kitchen slipped into an uncomfortable silence during which I hopped off the counter and went to give my daughter a hug, an act that brought me much too close to Edward. I was like a freaking magnet, inexplicably drawn to this man. His eyes locked on mine above the head of our child and I couldn't seem to breathe.
"Cullen," Jacob said curtly in way of greeting I assumed, but also to end the weird moment Edward and I were having.
"Black," Edward said back without taking his startling green eyes off mine.
"So what are you doing here?" Jacob asked. I could hear the anger in his voice.
"Just dropping off Nessie. I did call." He said, sparing only the briefest of glances for Jake after turning back to me with apologies written all over his face.
Jacob just growled. I realize I had yet to say anything at all.
"Mom, are you ok?" Nessie asked as she tugged on my arm. I shuddered to think of the expression on my face.
"Um, yes." I said. My voice sounded odd to my own ears, quiet and unsure. "Yes," I said louder looking down at Nessie. "Hello Edward." I said, proud that my voice sounded like it belonged to a powerful executive music producer.
"Hello Bella," He replied, breaking into my favorite crooked smile. Before I knew it I felt my face shift in to a wide grin in response.
Jake growled again, but I continued to ignore him, reveling in this reunion. It had been 5 years since Alice and Jasper got married. Since then, I had managed to avoid him. I relied heavily on Alice and Rose to get Nessie to and from Edwards's.
The last time I saw him, Edward was attached to a statuesque blond that towered over me. Though I wouldn't have thought it possible, my heart broke all over again. Until the wedding, I had always fostered a secret hope that Edward and I would find our way back to each other somehow. My delusions were shattered that day and I couldn't bare the thought of seeing him on a regular basis.
"Come on Dad, I want to show you my room. And my new fish tank!" She grabbed his hand and led him out of the kitchen. Edward continued to look at me, turning his head to do so until he finally disappeared from my view, flashing me a final crooked smile.
I let out a shuddering breath and turned back to my dinner preparations.
"Goddamn it, Bella," said Jake as he sat heavily on a stool by the central kitchen island.
"What?" I asked, innocently, pretending not to know what he was talking about.
"You should have seen your face when he walked in here."
"Oh?" Slice, slice, slice, don't think, don't think, don't think.
"Are you ever going to smile at me like that?" Poor Jake. I was really trying to be better but I couldn't do it when Edward was actually here, in my house, in my kitchen. The truth was, Jake was lucky I didn't run into Edwards arms and beg him to take me back. Not that Edward would have agreed, I burned that bridge long ago.
"That was a smile of surprise Jake, nothing more. What kind of dressing do you want on your salad?"
"I do not care about fucking salad dressing! Bella, just promise me that he isn't coming back into your life, that this is just a one time thing. Right?"
"Jake," I said, moving to him and reaching out to touch his shoulder, "You have absolutely nothing to worry about."
~*~*~
EPOV
Bella was not answering her phone. Alice had called to say she had a last minute emergency dressing one of her fabulous clients and she couldn't get a hold of Bella either.
"Dad, you can just take me. Mom always serves dinner at 6:30 and she promised to make frittata I am hungry."
"Let me just try your mother one more time." I didn't want to take Nessie to Bella's house. I was not capable of getting that close to her without actually seeing her. I didn't want to want to see Bella this badly.
She didn't answer. I smirked at my daughter.
"Alright Nessie, lets go!"
"Great! And when we get there you can see my room." As we made the quick drive to Bella's neighborhood, Nessie babbled on about everything she wanted to show me. I couldn't even focus on her words, my entire body was buzzing with the anticipation of seeing Bella again.
Then Nessie led me into the kitchen and I saw red.
She was sitting on the counter, wrapped around the massive form of Jacob Black. How I hated that dog faced, juvenile ass hat.
"Jeeze Mom, you guys are gross." Nessie said, looking between Bella and I nervously.
At the sound of our daughters voice Bella quickly pulled away and gave Jacob a surprisingly hard shove that had him flying into the refrigerator behind them when she saw me.
I stared at her face, soaking her in, saving her features just in case it was another five years until I saw her again. I resolved right then and there to never let that happen again.
She walked towards Nessie and I. For a delusional moment I thought she might come to me, wrap her arms around my waist, and kiss my jaw just like she used to. I thought for a moment she might say she loved me and tell me to kiss her like I meant it.
Instead she wrapped her arms around Nessie and I actually was jealous of my own daughter
We made eye contact over Nessie's head.
Damn she was beautiful.
"Cullen," Not even Jacob could upset me when Bella was looking at me like I was all she ever loved or needed in this world. Too bad it was all just an illusion, smoke and mirrors. She didn't love me and sometimes I doubted whether she ever had.
"Black," I said without even bothering to look at him.
"So what are you doing here?" He asked.
"Just dropping off Nessie. I did call." I glared at him quickly noting the territorial tone of his voice before bringing my eyes back to Bella.
I felt the glow of satisfaction when Jacob growled at me. He was not acting like a man confident in his relationship.
"Mom, are you ok?" Nessie asked. Bella was more then ok she was perfect.
"Um, yes." She whispered. "Yes, hello Edward." Ah there was her voice, sweet and compelling on the surface but capable of dripping with blues when she sang or sex when we were in bed.
"Hello Bella," I couldn't help but smile at her and my heart stopped beating when she returned my grin.
After that Nessie showed me her room including the bright walls complete with huge flowers that Nessie and Bella had painted themselves, the mammoth dress up bin in the closet, and of course her impressive fish tank.
"Nessie! Wash up, dinner will be ready in 3 minutes." Bella called from the bottom of the stairs. I hugged my daughter goodbye before she retreated to the bathroom and I followed the sound of Bella's voice down the stairs.
When I got to the bottom she turned to face me. We exchanged sad little smiles.
"I would invite you to stay for dinner, but…" She trailed off, nodding her head toward the kitchen where I could hear Jacob pacing.
"I understand. I have rehearsal anyway."
She looked quickly over her shoulder, checking to see if Jake had appeared in the arch leading to the kitchen before she closed the space between us and placed a hand on my shoulder to steady herself and she stretched to whisper in my ear.
I took a deep breath, savoring her strawberry shampoo. I was glad the years had not changed this.
"New Moon, it is brilliant Edward." She pulled back and smiled at me. I couldn't help touching her then, just the back of my hand across her cheek. She closed her eyes and tilted her face toward my hand.
We both took a sharp, shocked breath at the electric current that flowed between out skin. I thought time would have dulled the sensation or that the memory in my head would have exaggerated it, but if anything it had gotten stronger.
I really wanted to kiss her, among other things.
Somehow my face had traveled closer to hers, compelled by some invisible magnetic force.
"Bella…" I crooned, inhaling her sent again as I leaned into her lips.
Her eyes opened before I got there and they flashed to mine. They reflected the desire, confusion, and angst that were currently running through me as well.
Then she was gone; I saw her pull on that fascinating and frustrating shield, effectively closing me out. Her eyes were blank.
I dropped my hand to my side, sighing. I knew there was no arguing with Bella once she made up her mind about something.
She took a step back and a deep steadying breath.
"It was good to see you Edward." She said as she subtly navigated me to the front door.
I ran my fingers through my hair, hating the way we were back to this ridged formality after what almost happened in the hallway.
"Listen Bella, do you typically spend all your time with Nessie wrapped around that fucking lumberjack?" Suddenly beyond angry at the entire situation, I needed to vent. Anything to give me a few extra moments with her.
"Is lumberjack even an insult?" She asked.
"You are completely missing the point! I don't want my daughter involved in any sort of sex fest, I shutter to think of the things she had seen living with you." I was being completely unfair. I knew she was an excellent mother who would never do anything inappropriate around Nessie. But there was nothing more fun then arguing with Bella. There was always the slim chance that she would take my words seriously and stop touching him. It was really a win win situation for me.
"Quit being a drama queen Edward." There was my feisty girl.
"It is a very real concern. That shit could scar her for life, she will never be able to look at counters the same way again."
"Alright, that's enough Dr. Phil. Time to go."
"Dr. Phil? Really Bella I think you should leave the nicknames to me. Lumberjack is so much more creative."
"Goodbye Edward" she said, finally done with my shenanigans. I grimaced as I remembered that last time she said that word to me.
"Goodbye Bella," I said, putting my hand out to block the door before she shut it on me for good. "I will see you soon ok?"
She raised an eyebrow at my parting remark.
"Whatever you say Edward."
She closed the door then, going back to her Jacob and forcing me to go back to my real life too. On her doorstep I made a pact with myself to see Bella as much as possible, even if our interaction was the fucking formality she seemed so determined to treat me with. Something was better then nothing.
Plus she called me brilliant and that was enough to have me floating for a week.