Chapter Five:
Selamat pagi diary,
Rivers brought up our conversation under the tree yesterday while we were washing the dishes after breakfast. "I didn't know you had such a hard upbringing Jane. No wonder you are so understanding with Jaya." We usually chatted while cleaning up after the children, but this was the first time he had brought up my past… since I requested all questions about why I was at the centre to stop. "We need people like you here to help the Yayasan Balita Sehat centre," he continued. "You will be missed when you decide that your volunteering holiday is over. It has been nearly a fortnight since you arrived and you didn't mention when you might be moving on… The children have really taken a shine to you and you seem to be the only one to calm Jaya when he gets upset."
I honestly didn't know what to say at that point, as his intense gaze had moved from the dirty plates to face me. I made a mistake and looked up. I could feel my cheeks flush and my throat drying up, so I said nothing and stared back to the bowls that I was wiping. He soon turned away and continued with his cleaning, not pressing me for any more details. Once we had finished cleaning, he finished our conversation. "But… you don't have to leave. You can stay on if you want. I'm sure I can get a contract through the Mother And Child Health Foundation. There is always a place for you here." By the time I had taken a few breaths to quieten my nerves and look towards where he was last, he had already walked away.
Diary, I know it was a rash decision I made when I decided to stay and teach here at this centre when I started this... holiday... I hadn't even thought about when I might be leaving. I really couldn't go back to him... nor did I have anywhere else to go. The other teachers like Rivers, Diana and Mary had not pressed me about this subject, or about my past or future plans. I didn't really feel like talking about them... none of them yet.
It might mean talking about... him… and I'm not ready to share what went on between us to anyone yet.