Chapter 6
The Trouble with Time Travel
Somewhere between 2041 and 2175
Helga Pataki had done a lot of things in her 36 years on the planet. She'd been to multiple countries, the occasional parallel timeline, and even spent a stint in space. And, naturally, like any other superhero worth their salt, she'd traveled through time at one point.
It hadn't been like this, however. She hadn't been seated in the back of a mid-70s convertible making its way through a strange rainbow dimension full of old clocks.
"So… this is what time looks like on the inside, huh?" she asked of her hosts for the journey. "I guess the old comic books were right.
"I suppose you could put it that way," the older of the two, Balthazar Cavendish, an older-looking gentleman in steampunk-style clothing, answered. "It's actually more of a conceptual realm, and what you're seeing is what sense your senses can make of it."
"Then the clocks are my brain creating some kind of visual metaphor for the flow of time?" Helga asked. "I guess that does make a sort of sense."
"No, the clocks are just clocks. Do be careful not to let one hit you in the head. They could leave a rather nasty bruise."
"So the dimension isn't real… but the clocks are…" Helga shook her head. "This kind of thing is why I hate time travel."
"It's best not to think about it," Vinnie Dakota, a tanned, curly-haired man in a tracksuit and sunglasses, remarked. "I try not to and it works for me."
"So what's the deal with you guys, anyway?" asked Helga.
"Er, why… what have you heard?" Cavendish asked, a bit shifty-eyed. "Because I assure you our relationship is purely professional…"
"Criminy. I'm not talking about that. I mean, if you guys were an item, there's nothing wrong with it, but I just meant how long have you been working together?"
"Not too long. He and I were assigned together fresh out of the academy," Dakota answered.
"Wait… you guys graduated together?"
"Not together. Me. Dakota was a couple of years behind me. I spent some time at a desk job before decided to transfer to field work." Informed Cavendish. "We've worked together ever since, though, frankly, his continual disregard for Bureau protocol has been a persistent source of irritation…"
"But you look so much… um… no offense… older than him."
"Yes, well, that was the result of a time anomaly the two of us encountered on an early mission to the Stone Age."
"That's what he tells everybody," Dakota cut in, "but the truth is that he got age-o-plasty so he could look more distinguished."
"Dakota," hissed Cavendish, "that was supposed to remain in confidence."
"Who would she even tell? 'Hey, Gladys, this guy who won't be born for decades got a surgical procedure that won't exist for decades!' 'Oh my, Helga, what a scandalous development that I don't care about because I have no idea who or what you're talking about!' You have nothing to worry about."
"I don't even know a Gladys," Helga replied. "I don't think anyone knows a Gladys."
"I'm not sure why you're so talkative in any case, Ms. Pataki, given the current situation…"
"I'm just bored. It feels like we've been sitting in this car for an eternity, which we very well might have been, seeing as we're outside time… or inside it… or however the hell it works. I'm making conversation to keep from going crazy. How long until we're there?"
"We should be arriving just about… now."
The technicolor blur around the car gave way to the skyline of 2175 Danville, as Cavendish brought the timecar down to hoverstreet-level. "I would like to request that you remain in your current form, Miss Pataki. It would be imprudent to attract more attention from the populace than necessary."
"Believe me, all I want to do is get in, get my daughter, and go back home. I'm not looking to do any autograph signings here."
"Is one okay?" asked Dakota. "'Cause I've got a Monster Princess plush toy that you could sign."
"Honesty, Dakota, sometimes I'm convinced you never made it out of grade school."
"Monster Princess is still in print?" Helga asked.
"Oh, yeah. And the movies are still pretty popular. You're like, one of the most beloved childrens' authors of all time."
Helga took that in. Monster Princess had just been a side project of hers, just a story she'd felt needed telling. The Cecile Hart mysteries were supposed to be the real money-maker (not that they weren't popular; in fact, the first book in the series had bought the Pataki-Shortmans a house). She'd never expected her tale of a cursed princess and her quest for love and fulfillment to catch on the way it did, but here she was, a Newberry Medal and a movie deal later. And apparently that wasn't going to be the end of it.
Cavendish rubbed his temple in irritation. "This is the kind of thing I've been talking about, Mr. Dakota. You should not be telling Ms Pataki about her future."
"Hey, it's not like I'm telling her about anything surprising. I told her that her insanely successful book is insanely successful. Big whoop."
"I didn't know there'd be more than one movie… although… I have had some ideas for a sequel…"
"Just try to be more careful…"
He carefully landed the time car in the parking lot of what Helga could only assume was the Bureau of Time Travel's headquarters, and ushered the group in. "We should make haste for Mr. Block's office as swiftly as possible without attracting any-"
"Hey, Paula!" Dakota interrupted, waving to the receptionist. "Long time, no see… get it? 'Cause we're time travelers?"
Paula chuckled indulgently. "Gets funnier every time, Vinnie. Who's your friend there?"
"Er, no one important, just part of some minor-" Cavenendish attempted to deflect Paula's attention, but Helga interrupted, offering her hand.
"Hi. Eleanor Roosevelt. Pleased to meet you."
"Really? You don't really look a thing like the history books say you do…"
"Yeah, I get that a lot. The camera adds twenty pounds and makes your hair and face and body look completely different, you know how it is."
"Oh, yes, well… it was a pleasure to meet you. Mrs. Roosevelt…"
"Likewise. Catch you later, Paula."
"Right, well, we have an appointment with Director Block, so we'd best be moving on."
"All right, I'll just let him know you're here…" She activated the comm. "Mr. Block, Agents Cavendish and Dakota and Mrs. Roosevelt have arrived…"
"Who? Ah, never mind, just send those idiots up here."
"Will do, Mr.-" The man cut him off. "Yeesh." she said. "I don't know how you two manage to irritate him so much, but I hope you keep it up. That man is a colossal jerk."
"Mmm, yes, well, we should be going."
Helga was meanwhile taking in her surroundings. "So this is the future, huh. Somehow, I thought there'd be a lot more chrome."
Mr. Block's office was located on the top floor of the facility. By the time the trio arrived, the director was just about ready to boil over.
"SIT. DOWN." The director snapped.
"Er… there don't appear to be any chairs in here," noted Cavendish.
"Chairs are for competent people, Cavendish. Now sit down."
"Er… yes sir," Cavendish replied, meekly joining Dakota on the floor, legs crisscrossed.
"Now, how about we get started with reason 1 why I'm about to fire you."
"Hey, I'm sure you're itching to read these bozos the riot act," Helga interrupted. "But they're kind of essential to me getting my daughter back, so why don't you back off."
Block, not used to someone talking back to him, shut up.
"Good. Now, how about you get these two some chairs and then instead of listening to you rant at these guys, we get started on actually accomplishing something. You dig?
Block met her stare for a moment. Two wills met…. and one buckled like a Pilgrim's hat. As Block's gaze turned away, Helga smiled in satisfaction. Still got it, she thought.
"Good, I'm glad we understand each other now," she said.
An understanding now reached, Block decided the meeting would be better off moved to a properly-equipped conference room. There, Cavendish and Dakota proceeded to explain the situation in detail, finally offering the inert time device to Block, who studied the object carefully.
"Mmmm…. Yeah, I seen this before. Timey-Wimey Ball. It's a one-use time-displacement device. It instantly transports one person in time, then shuts down.
"One-use?" Helga said, panic beginning to rise. "You mean you can't use it again to bring her back? Couldn't you just… I don't know, recharge it or whatever?"
"I wish you could, but it ain't that easy, lady," Block answered, showing a rare bit of sympathy. "These suckers were built by an ancient alien race. We can't just modify 'em, even with the tech we have now."
"So, you're saying we can't do anything," Helga said dejectedly, slumping in her seat.
"Now, hold on, I never said that," Block replied. "We can't use that device to bring your girl back. but our lab techs should be able to get a reading off it and figure out exactly where your daughter was sent. From there, we should be able to use our own time-travel technology to retrieve her. All right?"
"Oh, thank god," Helga said, relieved. "How soon can we do that?"
"It might take a while to set things up properly. In the meantime, try not to go anywhere or do anything. We can't have you learning about your own future."
"Couldn't I learn like, one or two things? Like who wins next year's world series?"
"Especially not that!"
"Jeez, just asking. Sitting in this room is going to be excruciating. Could you at least send up some food? You guys do still eat food, right? It's not all pills or dermal nutrition patches or crap like that, right? 'Cause I think human extinction might actually preferable to that kinda thing."
Block sighed and activated the com. "Paula, send up a sandwich platter to Conference Room C."
"Uh, what kinds of sandwiches, sir?"
"Do I sound like I care?" Block snapped back. "Surprise them!"
"Can they be pastrami?" asked Dakota. "I could really go for pastrami right now."
"I knew there was a reason I liked you more," Helga remarked.
"You heard them. Pastrami. Block out." He hung up on the receptionist.
An hour and fifty-two minutes of stress eating and frustrated boredom later, Helga and the two time travelers were brought down to the BoTT's main lab, where a tech had just finished retrieving the data from the Timey-Wimey Ball.
Helga glanced at the lab tech, a tall woman with a long oval face, prominent front teeth, auburn hair worn in twin braids, and circular-framed glasses. "Excuse me," she said, "do I know you? I feel like I know you from somewhere."
"That seems most unlikely," the tech answered, pushing her glasses back up, "given that you've never been to this particular era before, nor have I been to the era you originate from."
"Yeah, I know, I just… it feels like I've seen someone like you before on a playground somewhere… maybe in another life or something."
"I am a scientist. I don't deal in metaphysics. In any case, we have manages to determine exactly how far your daughter was displaced and in which direction… it appears to be a total of negative twenty-five years."
"Finally! Now can we please get her back so we can go home?"
"Just one moment… we are tracing her location. And… we have tempra-telemetry…
On the screen in front of them, a familiar location came into view.
"That's Dino Land," Helga said. "She's still in Dino Land."
"Correct," the tech confirmed. "You daughter was displaced in time, not space."
"That looks like the midway. She looks safe…wait, who's that she's with?" On the screen, Trudy seemed to be talking to someone, but she couldn't exactly make out who it was. That was, until a bystander moved out of the way.
"Holy s*** on a cracker," she swore. "That's me."
Another figure moved into frame, this one instantly recognizable due to the unique shape of his head. Helga smiled a bit in spite of herself. "Aw. I forgot how cute he was back then." She continued to watch as the youthful versions of herself and Arnold argued inaudibly about, as far as the adult Helga could guess, a midway game, then as Arnold made several failed attempts to win a prize before Trudy made her own successful attempt and presented Arnold with a giant stuffed Rockin' Rex.
"Wait," she said to herself. "I… I remember that doll. But… I don't remember any other part of this." She shook her head. "None of this is familiar."
"Maybe you just forgot?" suggested Dakota.
"No. It's more than that. I.., I remember a trip to Dino World when I was in fifth grade, but the details are hazy. It's like… my memories were painted over or something."
"Are you suggesting that someone has tampered with your recollection of events?" asked the tech.
"I'm not suggesting. I'm saying it outright. Someone messed with my brain and I don't like it."
"Hmmm," Cavendish mused. "If I recall my studies of time travel lore, the Timey-Wimey Ball was said to only send a subject to the point in time where they were supposed to be. Your daughter's presence in the past may fulfill a pre-ordained purpose… in which case retrieving her before she accomplishes said purpose could prove devastating to the timeline."
Mr. Block blinked, uncomprehending. "That… actually sounded intelligent."
"Well, I did graduate at the top of my class, you know."
"Right, for some reason I keep forgetting that. Probably your string of repeated failures."
"Do you guys have the technology to recover my memories?" Helga asked. "Maybe if I could remember exactly what happened that day, you can find out which moment to grab her from. "
"It's worth a shot," the tech mused. "If you could just step over here, we can do a simple Level 1 brainscan to determine exactly what was done to your memories.
The tech seated Helga in a chair that looked like it had been lifted directly out of some futuristic hair salon, complete with a dome-like device that could be fitted over her head. "This may leave you a bit dizzy," she cautioned, "especially given your unique cerebral structure. I've never had the opportunity to scan a half-human, half-Ka'Thaari brain. The data should be most illuminating."
"I'm so very happy for y- whoa…." Lights on the inside of the dome began to change colors in psychedelic patterns. Who the heck designed this thing, Timothy Leary? she thought as a strange buzz filled her consciousness. When the thing was removed, she could feel her head swimming, and was starting to regret that third sandwich.
"Well," the tech confirmed, "I can safely say that we can definitely restore your memories," the tech said.
"Oh, and why is that?" Helga asked, though she had a sneaking suspicion she already knew.
"Because we're the ones who did it in the first place," she answered.
The temperature in the room seemed to drop to zero instantly.
"You did WHAT?" Helga hissed.
A. N.: BUM BUM BUM!
Yeah, another short chapter, but I wanted to get this one done because I'm gonna be unable to work on this story for a few days. When I get back, we'll be going back to more of Trudy hanging with Young Arnold and Helga in the past.
If you're confused about why Helga seems to recognize the lab tech, she's supposed to resemble Gretchen Grundler from Recess, in which Francesca Smith played a few minor characters. Just a little Easter egg.
J.A.M.: I explained this last chapter. Trudy realized that she could allow herself to be paralyzed with self-doubt and second-guessing over whether she should do anything or not do anything, but that would be pointless, and instead, she decided to just go with the flow for the time being. She's also pretty intrigued about the chance to see what her parents and their friends were really like as kids.
Penguin Lord: Yep, time travel is just a rats' nest of problems that can drive you crazy if you try to make sense of them.
Jose: Yeah, he doesn't get used as a villain much (the only other time I've seen is in Orange Ratchet's "Oh Rhonda" series). As for Trudy: I see her as what you'd get if you combined Helga's toughness with Arnold's compassionate nature.
Crea8tively: Yep. In fact, part of the reason I wrote this story was to find a way to have Trudy finally meet her namesake.
Up next: We return to the present for yet more awkward shenanigans, in "How do you Solve a Problem Like Trudy?"!