Deceit

[POV: Lieutenant]

Nightfall. It was once again time to put the Revolution on hold, and to slip into bed. But I couldn't. I simply couldn't. Like my leader, I was experiencing insomnia. Or perhaps I wasn't. Perhaps my mind was imagining it all. Above all, I desired to be like Amon. Ever since he'd told me about his condition, about how he couldn't sleep, I had started to believe that it was contagious. Like his words, his ideas, his vision, his utter intransigence. I knew that it meant self-destruction - the very thing of which I had warned Amon - but I couldn't help it. I was like a hypochondriac for whom reason had become completely foreign.

I decided to go outside for some fresh air. I hoped that it would help clear my mind. On my way out, I met Hiroshi Sato in the corridor. He seemed agitated, bothered. There was something different about his eyes, which were much easier to read than Amon's.

"Lieutenant," he nodded.
"Mr. Sato. Fine evening, isn't it?" I asked, not really meaning it but trying to be polite. We owed him much.
"Yes, I... I suppose it is. How are you, Lieutenant?"
"I'm well enough. And yourself?"
"I must confess that I am a little upset. You see, I had a picture - a picture of Asami, my daughter. It was very precious to me, because it represented the child I knew before she betrayed me. She looked just like her mother on it. I reached into my pocket just now, to have a look at her face, and I remembered... I no longer have the picture. I... I seem to have lost it. I cannot find it anywhere and I am grieved."
Morning Beauty. I saw the picture in my head and knew exactly where it was. But I still wanted to deny my instincts.
"When... when did you last see it, sir?"
"About a week ago," he sighed. "I noticed it was gone, but I thought that it would reemerge. That I had simply misplaced it. But I fear it is lost."
It had been a week since I'd seen it myself.

How could he keep it? Why would he keep it?

"I... Perhaps it fell on the floor somewhere," I replied. "I will make a few inquiries, ask around, see if I can retrieve it for you. It cannot be far."

Why would he keep it?

"Would you really do that for me?" Sato asked, with a touch of hope in his voice.
"Why, yes. Of course. Leave it to me. It is the least I could do, after all you've done for the Revolution."
"I am very grateful. Really."
I nodded and bid him goodnight. I gave up going outside and headed straight for Amon's room.

I found him wide awake, as I had expected. He was just standing there, in a dark corner, arms crossed and head down. For a moment I felt angry. I had told him to rest, but he obviously wasn't. What thoughts, what torturous thoughts kept him so still and absorbed, like the world around him was a lie? My anger soon subsided, only to be replaced with concern.

"Yes, Lieutenant?" he whispered.
He always knew when I was there. He never needed to turn around, for he sensed me. He always sensed me.
"I hope I'm not bothering you, sir?"
"Never, Lieutenant. You never bother me. Except to ask me questions when I'm sleeping, but that doesn't happen too often these days, does it?" he answered, probably smiling under his mask.
"I just spoke to Hiroshi Sato," I said. "That picture of his daughter. You gave it back to him, didn't you?"

Silence.

Lie to me. Lie to me, I thought.

"No," he replied. "As a matter of fact, I didn't. I wanted to keep it a while longer. It seems to bring me luck."

Before I could react, he turned around and I found myself pinned to the wall. I felt his fingers digging into my neck and I could barely breathe. The force of the attack had taken me by surprise and I felt afraid.

I suffocated as he searched for my eyes. I did not dare to defend myself, so I just let my arms hang on my sides, like I had loss use of them.
"How dare you? How dare you deceive me?" he said, his tone a terrifying combination of tranquility and rage. "How dare you ask me 'You gave it back, didn't you?', as though you expect me to lie to you? As though you didn't already know that I have it? Do you have so little trust in me, your leader? And you are my right-hand man. My Lieutenant. Why not simply ask, 'Sir, why didn't you give it back'? I would have told you that I like to look at that picture, for it represents everything that I have been denied in my life. Beauty, serenity, innocence."
His grip grew tighter.
"You come to me with the resolute intention of treating me like a liar. You conspire against me within your own mind and treat me like I am beneath you."
I tried to shake my head in denial.
"N… No… It's not…" I muttered, unable to speak.
"Did…did I give you reason to doubt me?"
Release. He finally let go of me and I slipped against the wall, sinking to the ground and losing myself in a fit of coughing.
"Lieutenant, you know that when I started the Revolution, I made a vow. I swore that I would remain celibate so that I could dedicate myself entirely to our cause. My life no longer belongs to me."
He lowered himself to my level and I felt his hot breath in my ear.
"I follow the will of the spirits," he whispered.
"I have renounced certain things in life. Women, drinking, pleasure. It isn't always easy, Lieutenant. I am but flesh and blood. And when I saw that picture of Asami, it moved me. I kept it out of weakness, but that is as far as it goes. I intended to give it back to Sato. I just wanted to hold onto it a little longer."
He rose.
"But if you feel disappointed in your leader's humanity, I promise to do my best to eradicate it completely."
I lifted my head up and saw him fumbling through a drawer in his desk. Then I saw him holding the picture.
"I shall return it myself," he said.
"N-No, let me do it. I… I will do it."
Amon threw the picture at me.
"As you wish."
The coughing slowly subsided. He stood there, watching me in my moment of disgrace. The humiliation was unbearable. Was this his Lieutenant? I felt like I no longer deserved the title.
"Please," I said, recovering. "Please, Amon. Forgive me. Forgive me."
He turned his head to the side.
"I forgive you. But I am very disappointed. I thought you had more respect for me."
"I do! I do. I merely… I didn't think clearly. I acted like a fool. You did not deserve that. I curse myself for what I said to you."
"It doesn't matter. You are forgiven."
He was about to go when I grabbed him by the leg.
"Wait. Please."
I rose to my feet, knees trembling.
"Punish me," I begged him. "Punish me now, and then I will feel like I am truly forgiven. I deserve your punishment. I want you to see that I trust you entirely. That I leave myself in your hands. Lead, and I will follow."
He considered me for a second and simply said: "Very well."

The first blow sent me back to the floor. He stroke me with this fist and I started bleeding profusely from the nose. Then he kicked me in the ribs and crushed my hand with his heel. Pain invaded my body from every direction, drowning me in general agony. Just when I thought it was over, he grabbed me and threw me against the opposing wall.

Oh, I had received fair punishment. The hand of my leader had hit me with its justice. I welcomed pain like an old friend, hoping it would last as long as possible, so that I might fully experience its redeeming power.
"Thank… Thank you, my leader," I managed to utter, looking up at Amon.
"You are welcome. Now get out of my sight and take that picture with you."
I obeyed and headed for my room. I would hand in the picture in the morning, for I couldn't let Sato see me in the state I was in. I removed my armour, got into bed, and I slept. I was not like my leader. I was an insect.