6.
She was woken by Bash's light snoring in her ear. His arm was snuggly wrapped around her body and the sheets tangled between their legs.
It had become a routine. She would wake in his arms with him still soundly asleep and for a faint moment each morning she would let her mind wander. Allowing herself to imagine that it was Francis' arms, tightly wound around her body, his breathing on her skin. And each morning she would have to stop herself, shaking the thoughts from her mind as she gently folded her body out of Bash's tight embrace without waking him.
He always looked so peaceful, so carefree. She envied him for that. She had her cheerful moments of course, but ever since their first night together she had never truly felt happy. There would always be the nagging thoughts in the back of her mind, especially in the mornings. And as if on cue, her stomached growled and the now familiar pain made her whole body tense as she sat up in bed. She felt a tingling sensation at the back of her throat and just in time reached for her chamber pod as her stomach emptied its spare contents out of her mouth.
The noise must have woken her husband, as she could now feel him stir on the bed behind her. His voice was a low mumble and the sleep was still thick in his words.
„Mary darling, are you alright?", she could sense the sincerity in his voice as he placed his strong hands on her shoulder, forcing her body to relax.
„I … yes, I just feel a bit dizzy, is all." her voice was shaking and she cursed herself.
He had already looked at her with worry in his eyes whenever she had seen him these past week. She spent the majority of her time in her chambers, talking to her ladies or reading. Bash knew her too well to be fooled by fake smiles. He would instantly notice how her eyes always looked tired and her normally radiant skin had grown paler. So she tried to avoid him as much as possible, not wanting to further fuel his concern.
She let go of the chamber bod, her hands shaking slightly, he should have never seen her like this. She couldn't just blame her nausea on tiredness or a migraine, he would never believe her. His brows furrowed in concern as he reached for her arm, gently rubbing the back of her hand.
„I am worried, you really don't look well." he gave her hand a light squeeze.
She let out a shaky breath. Why did he have to care so much, couldn't he for once be absent, ignorant to his wife sorrow. He loved her so much, whenever he looked at her, she could see it in his soft green eyes. She knew that she would never be able to fully reciprocate his feelings and the thought tugged at her already weakened heart.
She started on last attempt to calm his worry.
„Bash, really I am fine." her voice didn't sound convincing at all.
She felt another sharp pain in her stomach and instinctively her hands clutched her middle.
She could feel him move from the bed behind her, now positioning himself before her, his eyes determined.
„I love you, and I know you're still grieving from my brother. But please, let me help you." her hand was in his again and his face was mere inches away from hers.
She hated herself in that moment. It wasn't fair to Bash, she had forced him into this marriage, and he had so selflessly gone along with it. No matter how hard she tried she just couldn't give into him, entrust him with her heart.
„I will tell Nostradamus to check on you. You looked so pail these past days and I want to be sure you are well." he kissed her cheek, forcing a smile on her lips.
For a moment she let her facade fall and gave into him, letting her face fall against his chest and the sound of his steady heartbeat soothed her mind. He felt so familiar and yet, the way his arms were wrapped around her body, just felt different.
It would be useless to argue with him. Nostradamus would come and tell her that she was simply tired and exhausted, which she already knew. Bash would be relieved and would hopefully stop worrying about her as much. She desperately needed room to breath again, without his watching eyes glued to her every move. She sighted, closing her eyes, his hand rubbing small circles on her back.
„Your majesty mustn't worry, you are in good health. A bit weak yes, but when your appetite comes back, your strength will return as well." Nostradamus' deep voice was kind.
She was sitting in one of her heavy chairs next to the fire, her shoulders wrapped in a thin shawl. He had questioned her about her eating habits and the pains in her stomach.
„But I do have news for your grace." he smiled continuing „You are with child."
She gaped at him, this was the last thing she had expected to come out of his mouth.
There was a life inside of her, she couldn't quite believe it. Yes, she had been married for over six weeks now but her body felt so weak. How could she nurture a child growing inside of her when she could barely feed her own body? Her hand wandered to her still flat stomach, acknowledging the presence of the live just beneath her skin.
„You are certain?" her eyes looked at him, filled with doubt.
„Yes your majesty, very certain. The symptoms are definite, your sickness in the mornings, the loss of your appetite."
„A child." she smiled.
This would be good for her. She could focus on the life inside her, willing herself to stay strong for the baby's sake. Bash would be so happy as well, she knew that he had always wanted children. She could already see him playing with their child, laughter filling the air, as she would sit back and watch, smiling.
They would have a family. She might not be able to give him her heart but she could give him this, a child. She could see her brown hair and his green eyes, the future king of France or queen of Scotland.
Her hands, which had been tightly knotted in her lap, relaxed and she could feel the oxygen filling her lungs with every breath. And for the first time since their wedding, she felt happy, dimples in her cheeks and her warm brown eyes were filled with joy.
„Your majesty, there is one more thing." Nostradamus cleared his throat, bringing her attention back to him.
„The baby should arrive before the midsummer festivities"
Mary was confused at what he wanted to tell her, midsummer was still half a year away.
„Your majesty …" his eyes intently looked at her, clearly wanting to tell her something.
„What is it, you may speak freely." the confusion, she felt creeping up her body, mirroring in her words.
„Your majesty has been pregnant for at least three months." for such a big man, his voice sounded surprisingly small.
Her heartbeat quickened, as she took in of his words and why he had hesitated to tell her. What he was alluding to, it was treason, it could cost her head.
Her eyes grew wide and all the oxygen suddenly rushed from her lungs, leaving her gasping for air as she tried to sort through all the thoughts drowning her mind.
She had been pregnant for over three months, but it couldn't be, could it? The panic pulsing through her veins, her chest tightening. It all made sense in a way, the pains in her stomach had plagued her long before her wedding night. But this couldn't be happening, she couldn't do this. The tears started to well and a strangled sob escaped her quivering lips.
„Thank you, Nostradamus," she sounded broken „You cannot tell anyone what you have just told me, do you understand. No one can know, especially not Cathrine." She knew the court seer and physician had a close relationship with the queen, and if she should hear of this, Mary's death warrant would be as good as signed.
„I understand, your majesty. As far as I am concerned, you are only two weeks into your second month and the child will be born early." he bowed, his shoulders hunched as he took his leave.
Her thoughts were racing, her chest suddenly feeling so small, a heavy weight pressing down on her lungs. Both hands now clutching her stomach, the tears smeared her powdered face as quiet sobs echoed from her throat.
The nights spent in bed with Francis flashed before her eyes, him cupping her belly and wishing for her to be pregnant. The joy in his words, the laughter they had shared, a happiness now long lost to her. They hadn't been careful, so stupid and yet so innocent. In those moments she would have never once doubted her marriage to Francis or their shared future together.
After he had left court weeks ago, she had slowly come to terms that he would no longer be a part of her life, that she wouldn't ever lay eyes on him again. She still missed him dearly, his absence haunting her day and night, but she had finally accepted that he would never return, that she would never hear his voice or see his smile again. After spending nights, silently crying herself to sleep with Bash oblivious to the pain she had felt, she had finally found closure, had accepted her new future, a future without Francis at her side.
Now all of that was gone, the wall she had so carefully built up, protecting her heart, had been torn down by Nostradamus' words. She was carrying his child, a part of him remained in her body. His mark on her, the mark she could never remove, a baby in her belly.
The child, it would always remind her of him, she would have to look into his eyes, his face every day for the rest of her life. How was she ever supposed to forget him, to let him go like that? It seemed a cruel fate, spending her whole life, remembering the one thing she had wanted most, the one thing she could never have.
She prayed for the child to take after her, dark hair and brown eyes. If in half a year's time she gave birth to a blonde and blue eyed baby, people would start to talk, suspicions would be raised, her head could end up on the chopping block.
She shook the thoughts from her head, she couldn't tell anyone, it was too dangerous. Though at the back of her mind a small part of her wished for the child to look like him, and if it meant her head, just to loose herself in those endless blue eyes one last time.
She would have to bear the weight of this secret all on her own, it was the price she had to pay for her and Francis' foolishness, for his life.
She had dozed off, her hands still on her belly, her eyes reddened, when a knock on her door forced her from her sleep. She bid the person knocking to enter and Kenna, Greer and Lola appeared in the door.
She sat up, straightening her back, her hands wiping the sleep and leftover tears from her eyes.
„Bash told us to check on you." Greer was the first to speak.
„Mary, you look awful." Kenna decided, the worry evident in her words.
„Is everything alright?" Lola rushed to her side, taking her hand.
„Yes, I am alright, just tired." she offered her ladies a weak smile.
„Forgive me for saying so, but you really don't seem well, you have been so tired and absent these past days." Lola was looking at her with her big grey eyes, her brow furrowed in worry.
She gestured for them to sit down and cleared her throat before continuing.
„I am well, truly, more than well actually." her eyes glistened „I am pregnant."
Her smile grew wider upon seeing her ladies' reactions. Kenna and Lola gaped at her in disbelieve and Greer let out a squeal of excitement.
„But that is wonderful, I am so happy for you." nearly knocking all the air out of her, Greer pulled Mary into a crushing embrace.
„How long have you known?" Kenna's words mirrored Greer's excitement.
„Nostradamus was just here, a few hours ago."
„A little prince or princess, I can't wait!" Lola exclaimed.
„Have you already thought of names?" Kenna beamed.
„It is still early, but I am sure you will help me with that task." she tried to tame her ladies' excitement but couldn't help but smile at their joyful reactions.
They continued discussing baby names, the nursery and the new dresses that would have to be made, accommodating Mary's growing belly.
She was so thankful for her ladies in that moment. They might not have always seen eye to eye with her on her past decisions but had always been there to support their queen. Not only out of duty, but friendship, making her laugh and raising her spirits when dark thoughts had clouded her mind.
She was already dressed in her nightgown, resting on her side of the bed, when Bash returned. He looked exhausted, dark circles under his weary green eyes and his brown hair laid flat on his head. She greeted him with a smile, feeling a pang of guilt welling in her chest, upon looking at her husband. She would have to lie to him, and he could never know, never even begin to doubt the truthfulness of her words.
„You seem better darling." he cupped her face placing a kiss on her lips and she nodded.
„Yes, I am. Nostradamus has told me good news." a short pause, her heartbeat quickening „I am pregnant, Bash."
„That is … that is amazing. I don't know what to say."
She watched as his tired eyes, suddenly lit up and grew wide as his mouth fell slightly open.
A laugh escaped her upon seeing his reaction. Like Greer, he embraced her in a crushing hug and she nestled her face into the crook of his neck, taking in his so familiar sent. They would have a family together, her duty as a wife and queen fulfilled. They would have further children as well, she hoped, children that would truly be his.
Suddenly blue eyes appeared in her mind again, clouding her vision with tears as she held onto Bash's warm body. Francis could never know, he would never be able to be a father to the child in her belly. It pained her to think of him but how was she supposed to let him go, when a physical part of him, the child growing inside of her, would always be a living reminder of his lost presence.
When Bash pulled back, finally allowing her to breath again, she played the tears in her eyes off as byproducts of her immense joy. She cupped her husband's face with her left hand, the stubble of his beard leaving a tingling sensation on her smooth skin, before turning around and placing her head on her pillow as her eyes fell shut.
When he joined her under the covers she was already half a sleep and piercing blue eyes followed her into her dreams.