His Muse

Sorry if he seems OOC. u.u

The nights have grown longer; I try not to think of it, but even though my strength is great,
I cannot keep my mind from wondering.

I see her everyday, and she grows older.

I want her to be happy, and yet I do not see that smile that was upon her face when she was a mere child.

Why has she become so desolate? the consern for her I have, even surprises this Sesshomaru...
As I leave from camp, I sense her becoming anxious as to when I will return, and her distress burdens me.

Why does she doubt me? all this time with me she has spent, and she doubts me, as if I would ever leave her.
Had I not shown that I would protect her? answer's himself: many times

I have found her lack of confidence in me quite insulting.

Though I cannot comprehend the emotions I feel for her.

But why doubt? Why? that word, it stings, it keeps me guessing.
I never have to guess while I'm in battle, [a small sigh escapes from him] never...
But, this Sesshomaru had not become weak, not like that pathetic half breed. [his teeth clenched]
I only kept the child around to...observe her. little voice inside his head: you're lying to yourself
Though she is no longer a child, a young woman, capable of having children, and having a normal life...without me.

I want her to be happy, like she was, when she was younger. I want...her to be...happy.

I felt a bit of relief when she spoke to me that night, saying "Oh nothing Lord Sesshomaru, just a bad dream"
but I knew she was lying, and for once it actually surprised me. I had been used to Jaken lying to me, to weasel his way out of something, but for her for just the slightest moment it...shocked me.

I let it go, and went back to the spot where I could think the most.
This decision was hard, but I let go of it quickly, for I knew what would be best for her...and...myself.

Even though I found it amusing of her following me, I knew I'd have to tell her the reasons why I'd been leaving camp.

I made a deal with kaede, I must have frightened the old woman, but did this Sesshomaru care? Humph
She accepted the deal of course, she found it noble of me, but none the less I told her the date I'd bring Rin,
and when I'd come back.

That old woman tried to put up a fight, but I explained in which I wasn't at all inclined to that it would be Rin's choice, if she wanted to come with me or not.

When I saw her that day, sobbing, I felt as if it was me who made her cry, I quickly took care of the situation.

Though it was such a silly reason to cry I thought, over me...leaving her.

Once again it made me a bit bitter as to how she trusted me.

As always Jaken couldn't keep his mouth shut, I sent him away. This was our time to discuss, no interruptions.
I had never been good at keeping a conversation going, not that I wanted to be, but I had told her all she needed to know.

Touching her wasn't quite the same as when I held her in my arms the first time, but that had been such a long time ago..
It was awkward for me, but that feeling passed, I wanted to comfort her, to put the crying to a stop.

It took a toll on my ears, and heart...my heart.

She kept saying "sorry" it bothered me so, she wasn't sorry at all, though I knew she was apologizing.

Note: Sorry as in degrading.

It kept reminding me of a person that had no backbone, they always were lowering their head in shame, and had no pride.

This wasn't her at all, and even though I appreciated her respect, her faith in me had grown thin, and so quickly too.

This test, this time that will past, will show me how much I mean to her, and her to me.

It'll all be up to her, her choice as to weather she wants a normal life, or a life...with me.

So the words kept repeating in my head, as Rin confessed her true feelings for me, I knew at that moment, it was time.

To Be Continued~