The Lake
"Can we talk?" Remus asks, when Sirius comes in, later that afternoon.
"I'll leave you two to it," James says, and without another word, he leaves the room.
"He told me, about your feelings," Remus admits, and Sirius nods, as he sits down on the end of his own bed. "Everything he told me… is that true?" Remus asks, and Sirius nods again, looking down at his feet. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because what happened between us, I liked it. I wanted it to happen too," Sirius admits, and he looks up. "I don't regret it, but… it hurts."
"Why?"
"Because I know how you feel about me, about what we do. And I know that I said that it means the same to me. I wanted it to mean nothing too, so it's my fault, and I know that, but…"
"You don't know," Remus interrupts him. "What it means to me, or how I feel. Because we don't talk about it. You never asked me."
"Because I'm scared. I don't want to hear you tell me that it means nothing," Sirius confesses, scared to open up to Remus, but knowing that it is what he needs to do to save their friendship. "If I don't hear you say it, then there is this little part inside of me, which can still have hope."
"Sirius…," Remus says, but he can feel a lump in his throat, and he closes his eyes.
"Please don't say it. It hurts," Sirius admits, tears falling from his eyes. Remus goes up to him, kneels down in front of him, and wraps his arms around him, pulling him close. But he doesn't say a word, too scared to hurt him. Scared to break his heart.
When Sirius comes back from class one day, he finds a rose on his bed. There is no note with it, so he assumes it's a joke, or wrongly delivered, so he puts it down on the desk, and lies down on the bed, where he has been sleeping for the last few days. Ever since he confessed to Remus that he is in love with him.
"Are you just going to ignore that?" Remus asks, when he sees the rose on the desk, as he enters the bedroom.
"It wasn't for me."
"Yes, it was."
"Oh…"
"Sirius, I…," Remus begins, but he can't find the right words. "I love you," he then says, hoping that it's enough. But it isn't. Those words don't explain how he is feeling. What he is thinking.
"Please don't do this," Sirius says, looking insecure, fragile. "I don't need pity."
"You think I pity you?" Remus asks, going over to him, and sitting down beside him, putting a hand on his stomach. "Sirius, I love you, more than you know. And I'll admit that when you told me you had feelings for me, it scared me. But not because of… I was scared of losing you. You mean the world to me, and the thought of risking our friendship, of risking what we have, of not having you in my life… I couldn't bear it. I needed time to think about things, to think things through."
"Please don't," Sirius whispers, and he grabs Remus' hand, which is still on his stomach.
"It was just casual to me, exciting, trying it out, it felt safe, because I was experiencing it with my best friend," Remus explains, "but it became more than that. I wanted it to happen, not just to have sex, or to quickly get off, but to be with you, to share it with you. I wanted these things to happen with you, Sirius, with no one else. I don't want to have sex with the guy from the library, or with any other man, or woman for that matter."
"That's because you've never been with anyone else."
"No, it's because I'm in love with you," Remus laughs, keeping his voice down. "I want to kiss you, and yes, have sex with you. But I also want to just… be with you. You make me happy, Sirius."
"I don't… I'm not sure…"
"I didn't just think of this. I knew I was feeling something a long time ago, but I was just too scared to admit it to myself."
"Really?" Sirius asks, and Remus can't help but laugh.
"Really. I, Remus Lupin, swear that I am in love with you. It's sickening how much, actually," he laughs, and Sirius pulls him down onto the bed, wrapping his arms around him.
"So… does this mean that we're… less casual now?"
"I've just confessed my love for you. It better be less casual," Remus laughs. "If I catch you fucking someone else…"
"I stopped doing that a long time ago."
"You did?" Remus asks.
"After we first had sex, I just… it felt empty with others. It didn't feel right anymore."
"Wow."
"I know."
"Sirius Black, not fucking around," Remus laughs, and Sirius can't help but smile. "Have I made you gone all sweet and sappy?"
"Well, we'll see about that," Sirius laughs, and he rolls down on top of Remus, pinning his hands down on the bed, above his head. "I've still got some tricks left up my sleeve."
"Oh, really?"
"Really."
"Are we interrupting?" Lily laughs, and Sirius quickly rolls off of Remus, falling off the bed. "Is that a yes then?"
"Really? In the middle of the day?" James laughs, as Remus reaches out a hand, to pull Sirius back up onto his feet.
"So… are you two official now?" Lily asks, a big smile on her face.
"We…," Remus begins, but then he stops himself. Are they? And how is she not surprised? Did James tell her everything? Who else has he told?
"Before you knock my teeth out, I didn't tell her anything," James says, holding his hands up. "This is all on you. All you had to do was close the curtain, like I asked you to."
"Oh, please," Lily laughs. "I've been waiting for this to happen for months."
"You have?" Sirius asks, looking confused. "How did you know?"
"Are you being serious? No pun intended," Lily says. "You're pretty much drooling when you look at him, and you," she says, looking at Remus, "go all shy and nervous when he touches you."
"You do?" Sirius asks, looking at Remus, who is now blushing.
"I don't…"
"So when did this happen?" Lily asks, as she sits down at the desk. "Please tell me we didn't interrupt when you were about to have your first kiss," she says, and James bursts out laughing. Lily raises an eyebrow, looking at him, but he just shakes his head, still laughing. "What am I missing?"
"James is a fucking idiot, that's all," Sirius says, glaring at his friend, but Remus can't help but smile.
"Well, that's nothing new." Lily shrugs. "But boys, I am more than happy for you."
"Thank you," Remus says, and he flashes her a grateful smile.
"We also have some news, actually."
"Please tell me you're not pregnant," Sirius says, his eyes widening, and Lily shakes her head, smiling.
"No, but… we are engaged," she says, and she gets the biggest smile on her face.
"Fuck… off…"
"You are?" Remus asks, a look of shock on his face.
"We are," James laughs. "I just proposed to her."
"Wow…"
"For real?" Sirius asks, and Lily can't help but laugh at the confused look on his face.
"Yes. We are getting married!"
"Wow, congratulations…," Remus manages to say, but he is still shocked. They are only eighteen, and although they are technically adults, he doesn't feel like one. Marriage, that feels like a massive step. It makes him feel sick to his stomach, fully making him realise that they really are getting older, taking next steps. That things are now really changing.
Remus is sitting by the lake, looking up at the sky, tears falling from his eyes. It's only a few days until the dance, until their final classes. Until the end of the year. Until they will have to say goodbye and leave Hogwarts, which has been a home to him for the last years.
"Do you want to be alone?" Sirius asks, and Remus looks up at him. He did, want to be alone, that is, but he doesn't mind if Sirius joins him. So he shakes his head, and Sirius sits down beside him, grabbing his hand, giving it a squeeze.
"You're not losing us," he whispers, and Remus nods, but he can feel another tear rolling down his face, which he doesn't even bother wiping away. "James and Lily… they are always going to be our friends."
"They'll have their own life."
"And we are going to be a part of it," Sirius whispers, bringing his hand up, to brush the hair out of Remus' face. "We're friends, and nothing is going to change that."
"Everything is going to change."
"I know."
"I'm scared," Remus admits, and Sirius nods. "What if…"
"What?"
"What if this doesn't work out? I can't lose you, Sirius."
"I am not going anywhere," Sirius says, flashing a small smile. "You'll have to kill me to get rid of me. I mean, you can get sick of me, dump me, hate me… but I'm still going to be there. Even when you meet someone else, I…"
"What?" Remus asks, looking confused. "Is that what you think? That I am going to meet someone else, and dump you?"
"I…"
"Is it?"
"You can do so much better."
"Are you kidding me?" Remus asks, taking his hand away from Sirius'.
"Out there, there are so many other…"
"I don't want them, Sirius. I don't care how many other men are out there. They can go fuck themselves, for all I care. I want to be with you. Why can't you believe that?" Remus asks, trying to keep his voice down, but failing miserably. "I love you, Sirius."
"I just think you deserve better, that is all…"
"Better than you? Better than my best friend, who means the world to me?" Remus spits out, sounding more hurt than angry. "Better than someone I love, who makes me feel safe, who makes me feel… You… Fuck you, Sirius," he spits out, ending with a loud sob. Sirius wraps his arms around him, and pulls him into a hug, holding him tight. Rain starts falling down on them, but they don't move, not until lightning lights up the sky.
"I'm just scared," Sirius admits. "I've never been in love before, and… I know I've been with many people, but that meant nothing. With you, it means so much. And it scares me."
"It scares me too, but that doesn't mean that… I am not going to run off with someone else. I don't want anyone else. I don't."
"I'm sorry."
"So am I," Remus says, and he puts his hand on the back of Sirius' neck. He leans in for a kiss, but Sirius leans back, lying down on his back. Remus can't help but smile, as he leans down, kissing him, the rain still falling down upon them. He feels Sirius's hand moving under his shirt, touching his stomach, his cold, wet hand, giving him chills all over. He can feel himself getting hard, and their kisses are becoming rougher, more passionate.
"We really have to stop," Sirius whispers, his face flushed, which Remus can see, even in the dark, with just the moonlight shining down upon them.
"Or we can…," Remus suggests, but then getting nervous.
"What?"
"We don't have to stop," he says, and Sirius can't help but smile.
"I'd love to, but I didn't bring anything."
"We can do it without, can't we? Have you ever been with anyone without protection?" Remus asks, and Sirius shakes his head.
"Well, we've done things without, but no… no one else."
"And I've only ever been with you, so… we can do it without, right?" Remus asks, sounding nervous.
"That is really going to hurt," Sirius laughs. "I can promise you that."
"I can take it," Remus says, a shy smile on his face.
"Wow…," Sirius laughs, and he reaches up, to brush the wet hair out of Remus' face. "Are you sure?" he asks, and Remus nods, still smiling. "We'll try, but if it doesn't work, we'll stop."
"It will work."
"What have I done to you?" Sirius laughs, but Remus is already unzipping his trousers, and getting out of them. Sirius bites his lip, when he looks at Remus' face, determined, flushed, excited. Remus lies down on his back, exposed, lightning lighting up the sky again. Sirius spits on his fingers, the only alternative he has right now, and makes Remus pull his knees up. As he pushes his fingers in, Remus closes his eyes.
"Sirius?" Remus asks, after a little while, and he opens his eyes.
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I love you too." Sirius smiles, and he leans down to kiss him. When he sits back up, he unzips his trousers, and slides them down. He takes a deep breath, before spitting in his hand, and lubing himself up. "Please tell me if I need to stop," he says, and Remus nods, now a nervous look on his face. It takes a little while to find the right position, because really, this is easier in a bed, but once Sirius has made himself comfortable, and Remus seems to be comfortable, he grabs his dick, and slowly pushes it into Remus, who immediately gasps for air.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asks, and Remus looks up, nodding. "Are you sure?" Sirius asks again, and when Remus flashes him a shy smile, he knows that he really is okay. He leans down to kiss him, before very slowly starting to move in and out of him. This, even after everything, is new to the both of them, and with the rain still crashing down on them, the cold night air on their naked skin, it makes them both unable to stop smiling. Remus grabs Sirius' hand, and squeezes it tightly. He can't stop looking at his best friend's face, the starry sky behind him, his mouth slightly opened. It makes him want to remember this moment for the rest of his life.
"Fuck," Sirius says, and by his movements, Remus can tell that he is getting close. He is about to pull out, but Remus stops him.
"Don't."
"But… are you sure?" Sirius asks, and Remus nods, a shy smile on his face. Sirius can't help but smile, as he brings their hands up to his mouth, kissing Remus'. Remus watches his face, focussing on the beauty of him, watches his face as he comes. But he can also feel it happening, and his mouth literally falls open. This is a new feeling, and it is odd. Good odd. The best kind of odd, actually.
"Oh my god," he whispers, when Sirius collapses into the mud, beside him, trying to catch his breath. Sirius can't help but laugh at the shocked look on his face. "That was…"
"I know," Sirius laughs, as he looks back up at the sky. Lightning lights up the sky again, and he can't help but smile at the beauty of it all, simply enjoying the moment. But then he notices something in the corner of his eye, and he looks at it. Remus is giving himself a hand, his eyes closed, and he is biting his lip. Sirius smiles to himself, before brushing Remus' hand away, and leaning down, to wrap his mouth around his dick. By now he knows exactly what Remus likes, what makes him get off quickly, what he can do to tease him. And teasing him is exactly what he wants to do to him tonight. Remus is trying really hard to keep quiet, but muffled sounds escape from him, making Sirius smile to himself.
"Come here," Remus whispers, when Sirius reappears next to him, licking his lips. He puts a hand on the back of Sirius' neck, and pulls him in for a kiss. Sirius can't help but let out a small chuckle, before kissing him.
"We should come here more often," he laughs, as Remus lets go of him.
"We should."
"Right, and where have you two been?" James laughs, when Remus and Sirius come into the bedroom, both laughing. They are soaking wet, covered in mud, and still on a high from what had just happened by the lake.
"We went for a walk," Remus answers, trying to be serious, but Sirius burst into laughter.
"And you fell into the mud?" James laughs.
"Exactly," Sirius laughs.
"You dirty bastards." James shakes his head. Sirius goes up to his bed, and leans down, opening his arms to give him a hug. "Don't you dare!"
"What are you going to do about it?" Sirius laughs, and he lets himself fall down on top of James, now covering him and his bed in mud and dirt as well. Remus joins in, and within seconds, the bed is a mess, and James is just as much of a mess as his friends are.
"You dirty fucking bastards," James repeats, but he can't help but smile. "I'm really going to miss you, guys. Well, it's not like we'll be too far away from each other, but I'm going to miss sharing a room with you. Even though you do shit like this to me. You know I love you two, right?"
"Aww, we love you too, Prongs," Sirius laughs, and he cuddles up to James. "But you're not getting rid of us. We'll be at your wedding, and…"
"Please don't give a speech."
"Oh, we have already written one," Remus laughs, cuddling up to Sirius, the three of them now one big, dirty mess. "You didn't think you could get away with everything you've done, without us mentioning it, right?"
"Lily is going to kill me, isn't she?"
"Probably," Remus laughs.
"But you'll still have us."
"Lucky me," James laughs, trying to make a joke of it. But he means it. He feels lucky to have them as his friends, and he wouldn't have it any other way.