He's Too Much
A Sawyer episode
RATED NC-17 for complicated cons that younglings couldn't wrap their minds around.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Lost". They were created by JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelof and they belong to them, Touchstone, and ABC. I just do this for fun.
Kate was walking around the beach, picking bananas and trying to think about what to do about the Jack/Sawyer situation. It was quite frustrating, because she couldn't think of a good solution to their problem without adding another girl that either Jack or Sawyer preferred to Kate. That would be perfect... unless they both preferred this new girl and forgot all about Kate.
The very thought of that made Kate cry, and she ran across the beach with tears in her eyes. Suddenly, she tripped over something. She fell over onto the sand painfully.
Annoyed, she tried to find what she had tripped over. It was a book. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Kate wondered what the heck that was.
Suddenly Sawyer walked onto the beach. He had been going for a swim, it seemed, and he was only wearing his underwear. Kate gasped, staring at his marvelous body, and he blushed.
"Nice day for a swim..." he muttered, blushing again. Kate giggled.
"I bet," she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She unbuttoned her shirt a little more and wiggled her hips. Sawyer looked away politely, pulling on some jeans. Kate frowned a playful frown. "Hey, Sawyer, what's this book about?" she asked.
Sawyer looked up to see which book it was. "Oh, Rudolph! It's an old classic... for Christmas. Come on, you must have at least heard the song before!"
Kate was confused. What song? "There's a song about this book?" she asked. Sawyer gave her a jokingly horrified look.
"You've never heard Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer before? You deprived woman!" Sawyer started singing the carol to a giggling Kate.
"You've got a killer voice, Sawyer!" said Kate, "Guys that can sing are hot!" Sawyer blushed again, and rubbed his neck uncomfortably.
"Well, I guess... um... can I please have my book back?" he asked. Kate tossed it to him, grinning. "Thanks..." Sawyer muttered. Kate nodded at him.
"You're welcome, Sawyer." She ruffled his hair and pranced down the beach, wondering why she liked him so much. Sawyer wondered why Kate was acting like this to him. One day she acted repulsed by him, but the next day she was flirting her ears off! It kind of made Sawyer angry. Women just seemed to throw themselves at him- he couldn't control them. Maybe it was his looks? He didn't think he looked all that handsome. Sure, he spent hours in the gym and ate healthful food, but so did Boone, and no one was hitting on him.
Sawyer personally hated himself, because he had led a dishonest career and had murdered someone before.
FLASHBACK
Sawyer was lying in bed, asleep. There was a lady lying next to him. A ray of sun hit his face, and his eyes fluttered open. For a moment he seemed content, but suddenly, something caught his eye.
He looked at the woman (who's name was Jessica), and gasped. "Son of a..." He rolled out of bed and threw on his clothes super fast. Then he walked over to her and shook her awake.
Jessica woke up and grinned at him. "Hey, sweetheart," she slurred. Sawyer gaped at her.
"Do I know you!" he asked. Jessica giggled.
"Nah, but that's okay. The gals downstairs say you love one night stands?" Sawyer frowned.
"No way! Unfortunately, this kinda thing happens all the time..." Jessica propped herself up on her elbows.
"What kind of thing, Sawyer?" she asked. Sawyer blushed.
"Women climb into my bed randomly like once a week, at least. But I want you to know, I refuse to engage in any inappropriate activities with them. I should start locking my doors..."
Jessica frowned. "Freak." She got out of bed and put on her shirt and pants, while Sawyer occupied himself with a book. Finally, she was ready to leave, and called someone on her cell phone to pick her up.
While she was gabbing away, Sawyer's phone rang. He looked at the Caller ID. It was the mysterious Tom Sawyer, who was responsible for Sawyer's parents' death and had been controlling Sawyer's life for years, since Sawyer was eighteen. Tom got Sawyer to do things by threatening to destroy the world if he didn't do what he asked. Sawyer secretly wanted to kill Tom for revenge, and had been trying to find him for years. That was kind of hard, because the man controlled most of Sawyer's life.
Sawyer answered the phone, using Tom's code-code name (Tom Sawyer wasn't his real name, Anthony Cooper was, but Sawyer didn't know that).
"Hello, bowl-full-of-jelly," said Sawyer. Tom laughed on the other end of the line.
"Hello, James. I need you to do con number three right now. Are you with a lady?"
"... Yeah."
"Haha! You always are. Okay. Do the con! I'll call in three weeks, I expect you to have the money from the con by then. Bye!"
"Bye." Sawyer was used to this. He hung up the phone and sighed. "Hey Jessica?" Jessica looked over at him, ticked off.
"Yeah?"
"Well... you're actually..." Sawyer swallowed. "Can you stay? I..." Jessica was smiling.
"Heck yeah! Of course!" Suddenly Sawyer looked at the clock.
"SON OF A...!" he yelled. Jessica jumped up in shock.
"What is it?" she asked in a shrill voice. Sawyer ran a comb through his hair.
"I've got a meeting... in two minutes!" He grabbed his briefcase full of fake money and it burst open, the money flying everywhere. Jessica gasped.
Sawyer cleared his throat, blushing. "You weren't supposed to see that."
...
Boone was on a mission. He was trying to get to Sawyer's stash without being seen. He loved sneaking around, and he thought that maybe if he could prove to everyone that he was good at sneaking around maybe they'd value him more.
He finally made it to the stash and rummaged through it carelessly. He was shocked to find the copy of Twilight he had been reading inside Sawyer's bag. What was it doing in Sawyer's stash! Boone had left it on the beach carelessly last night during a thunderstorm and he couldn't find it afterwords. So that's why I couldn't find it! he thought, Sawyer stole it! This made Boone very angry.
He was grumbling to himself when suddenly, Sawyer walked out of some bushes to him. Boone's eyes widened. He quickly made up an elaborate plan to get revenge. Sawyer never should have stolen his book.
"Hey, Sawyer? Shannon has asthma. Do you have her inhaler?" he asked. (He was lying about the asthma thing).
Sawyer frowned. "She has asthma? That's too bad... Sorry, I don't have her inhaler... or anyone's, I guess..." Sawyer gave a pitying smile to Boone, who glared at him.
"SAYID! SAYID! SAWYER'S BEING A MEAN LIAR GUY!" Sayid, who was on the beach, heard Boone's yells and started running to the noise. Boone quickly started punching himself, giving himself huge bruises on his face.
Sawyer stared at him, dead confused. "Boone, STOP! What are you doing!"
"Oof! Ouch!" Boone yelled as he tore at his shirt and kicked his own shins. He scratched his arm with a sharp knife. "GAAA!" Blinded by tears of pain, he shoved the dagger into Sawyer's open hands. Sawyer stared at it, paralyzed by shock. WHAT WAS BOONE DOING!
Just as Sayid ran up, Boone pretended to collapsed onto the ground with a shriek of pain. Actually, he didn't pretend to collapse: he had injured himself more than he had intended to and was actually in severe pain.
Sayid turned magenta when he saw the scene there. He looked from Sawyer to Boone with a scowl upon his face.
"SAWYER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" he shouted, loud enough for the whole island to hear.
Faraway, on the other side of the island...
"What was that?" Jacob asked his brother, Barry. Barry shrugged.
"I dunno."
Benjamin Linus had been stalking Juliet Burke at the time, and he paused long enough to listen to the yell. "Huh," he said, "That's weird."
Michael, who had been doing Walt's hair, shrieked at the loud noise, causing Walt to run off again, way into the jungle. "WAAAAAAALT!" Michael yelled, running after him.
Sayid was ready to kill Sawyer...
...
TEN MINUTES LATER
"Now, Sayid, we can't have you attacking people like that, can we?" Sayid and Boone were in the caves getting treated by Jack, who was quite disappointed in the both of them.
"Jack, do you see what he's done to Boone!" Sayid yelled. Boone whimpered. His arm was covered with bandages but he still wanted more revenge on Sawyer. Jack did his shakey head smile.
"Yeah, I saw what he did to Boone... but look at your head Sayid! There's a huge lump on it!"
"I know..."
"What's it from?" Boone asked. Sayid thought for a moment.
"Last night, someone hit me with a hammer and ruined my antennae, too."
"Oh no!" Jack exclaimed. "It seems I don't care." Everyone was bored and exhausted that day, and they didn't want to debate important issues like they normally did.
Sayid yawned. Boone whimpered more. Suddenly Jack thought of something a bit strange.
"Boone, what were you doing looking in Sawyer's stash in the first place?"
Boone smirked. He could carry out his plan after all! "Shannon has asthma and Sawyer stole and hid her inhaler."
Sayid and Jack gasped. "THAT'S HORRIBLE!" yelled Sayid. Jack nodded.
"IT IS!" Then they yawned. They really hadn't been getting enough sleep lately.
...
On the beach, Claire was sitting all alone. So far she had only made friends with Kate, Sawyer, Hurley, Shannon, Sayid, Walt, Sun, and Scott on the island. She was still very lonely because she was normally the center of everyone's attention and on the island everyone was more interested in other people, like Jack and Locke. So Claire occupied her lonely hours by writing Jack anonymous hate mail in her journal that she would never ever send (because she was so sweet and nice, obviously).
Charlie was walking around the beach all alone. He still felt a little sick from the withdrawal, but all in all he was a lot better. He wasn't as tired, or as uncoordinated. His hands still randomly flipped out, but.
His special acorn was tucked snugly in the pocket of his denim cut-off shorts. He was wearing a tie-dye t-shirt, and green sandals. He reached into his pockets and put on his sun-glasses.
Suddenly, he saw Claire sitting there on the sand, looking beautiful. Her hair was practically glowing in the sun. Charlie jogged up to her.
"Hey... Claire, right?" It was an act. He knew her name. Claire nodded.
"Yeah, and you're that hero guy... Charlie?" she asked. Charlie was elated to be called "that hero guy", and he smiled his biggest ever smile.
"Yeah! That's me! A hero..." he said. Claire rolled her eyes and giggled a little. "Hey, you don't live at the caves, do you?" Charlie asked her.
Claire shook her head. "No, there are too many bugs in the caves... Ick!"
Charlie was mesmerized by her. "Yeah... ick!" he repeated stupidly. Claire smiled.
"Hey, um, do you wanna be friends?" she asked him. Charlie nodded very quickly, and wiped some food off of her face. Claire squinted at him. "What are you playing at, Charlie?"
Charlie blushed. "Whatever do you mean, my dear lady?" he asked, in his charming way, stroking her hair out of her face now. Claire frowned.
"Do you want to be just friends?" she asked, pushing away his hand. Charlie jaw-dropped at her.
"Um... Whatever you want's fine... Um... uh... Er... I have to go right now! Oh... that came out wrong... Wanna move to the caves with me?" Charlie stood up as fast as her could, uncomfortable with the situation. Which was strange, because normally he was a pro at picking up girls.
"No thanks. I don't like the bugs, remember?" Charlie blushed.
"Oh, yeah... ick. Well, I've gotta go."
"Bye." But he wasn't moving. He was standing there staring at her. "Um... Charlie! CHARLIE!" she yelled at him.
Charlie shook his head around. "Ugh... sorry... It was the nargles..." He walked away looking very confused, and for some reason that made Claire like him more.
What's wrong with me? she wondered. I only date geniuses! But she couldn't help smiling when she watched Charlie trip over Shannon's legs and apologize to her frantically. Kate, who was sitting near Claire, smiled.
"He likes you, you know," she said, making sure her quilt didn't get damaged by the sand. Claire nodded, watching Charlie munching on a banana as he tried to find the path to the caves.
"I know..." Claire said. Kate laughed.
"He's nice. We're friends," she said, and Claire nodded.
"Cool... I guess." Claire did not like the strange, non-bitter and non-hateful feelings she had for Charlie.
...
Jack walked across the jungle to get to the beach. He was pretty angry at Sawyer- he couldn't believe that he would risk Shannon's life like this- but at the same time he was exhausted and felt like taking a nap .
Jack hummed to himself a bit to occupy the time, because he was walking rather slowly. He wiped a bit of sweat off his forehead. Strange, red sweat.
Jack wondered why his sweat was blood red, and looked up just in case that wasn't his sweat. It wasn't. There was a bloody dagger sitting on a tree branch up above Jack's head.
"What's this?" he wondered out loud. Suddenly, Seth appeared in front of Jack and glared at him. Jack's mouth dropped open in surprise.
"Hey, Jack," said Seth. Jack frowned.
"Hey, yourself. What do you want from me now!"
"I just want to tell you... to just look through Sawyer's stuff. Okay? Because I don't want to guys torturing him for no reason or anything."
Jack decided right then and there that he would torture Sawyer just to get revenge on Seth. He didn't know that that was exactly what Seth wanted.
"'K, I'll rummage through Sawyer's stuff and definitely not torture him." And Jack spun around and stalked off to the beach.
Sawyer was sitting around, bummed out and confused. No one ever liked him. What Boone had done was cruel... Sawyer started crying to himself just as Jack walked up.
"Hey wimpy man, what's up?" Jack asked, cackling when Sawyer tried to clear up his tears. He dragged Sawyer's bag out of the little box Sawyer kept it in and started rummaging in it.
"Jack, what are you doing!" asked Sawyer, flabbergasted. Jack threw his head back and let out several mean-spirited chuckles.
"Lookin' for that girl's inhaler, buddy. I'm lookin' for the inhaler."
Jack was going through the bag as fast as he could, tossing things all over.
"Jack, stop!" yelled Sawyer. "What are you doing, you idiot! Stop it!"
He tried to pull Jack away but failed because Jack was stronger. "HAHA MAYBE I WOULD STOP IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A WIMP!" Jack yelled.
Sawyer sat down and sobbed. Finally, Jack only had one more thing to toss out the bag, and it sure wasn't the inhaler.
"Huh. What's this letter, Sawyer?" he asked, pulling out a letter. Sawyer paled and stared at Jack.
"Put that down, Shephard, " he growled. Jack smirked and unfolded the letter.
"DEAR MR. SAWYER," he read loudly. Sawyer stood up, his hands balled into fists. Jack continued reading it. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM BUT I KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DONE."
Jack gagged at the grammar and pulled out a pen to correct it. Sawyer walked over to Jack, angrier than he had ever been in his life.
"Give it to me, Jack. Now." Jack stuck out his tongue at Sawyer and started scribbling all over the letter. Sawyer let out an angry sob. "STOP!"
"Nah nah nah nah naaah nah." Jack laughed some more.
Sawyer got ready to smack Jack just as Kate walked in.
"Jack!" she said, "What are you doing here?" Jack looked up faster than lightning. He tossed the letter down onto the floor. Sawyer rushed over to pick up his precious.
Jack walked over to Kate like a zombie, with his arms outstretched. He pulled her into a hug and a kiss as Sawyer put away his now damaged letter while crying.
"Jack! Get offa me!" Kate said. She jogged over to James "Sawyer" Ford and looked at him with worried eyes. "Sawyer, what happened?" she asked.
Sawyer sniffled. "Nothing, Kate. Go away." Kate gasped.
"Sawyer-"
"Please. Just go." Kate walked backwards away from him, afraid, and fell into Jack's waiting arms.
Sawyer watched miserably as his dream girl was whisked off by the one man on this island that he truly hated right now.
...
FLASHBACK
Sawyer and Jessica were standing in the hotel room, staring at each other.
"Well...?" said Jessica. "What's with the cash, buckaroo?" Sawyer sighed.
Before we continue, you should know what the five different kind of cons that Sawyer does are.
The first one is called "The Trickster" and is just outsmarting someone in a battle of wits to get some sort of reward. Not really a con, "The Trickster" is the easiest of the five and the one that Sawyer does the most.
The second con is called "The Cheater" and it's done by shortchanging someone secretly so that they don't realize they were cheated until you've fled the state and changed your name. Sawyer hates this one because he would like to be an honest person.
The third con is called "The Sexy Man"and involves seducing women so much that they can't resist the urge to give you all their money. Sometimes to do this one you have to come up with a reason for them to give you the money, but most of the time that is not needed. The con man does have to make himself attractive enough for the victim to give him the money no matter what, though. This is the con that Sawyer had to do to Jessica. If you are a woman, you can do it to men, but that is usually harder to pull off.
The fourth con is called "The Klutz" and for this one you need large sums of counterfeit money. You put the funny money into a briefcase. Next, you go to the mall and "accidentally" drop it on the ground. Once the money spills all over the ground, act embarrassed. People will come check it out. Tell them that they can take some of it, because you have too much money anyway. Make sure to learn their names and addresses. Once they have taken it and are gone, secretly get rid of any extra money and the case. Wait a couple days until they get into the police beat for using counterfeit money, then turn them in and get a large reward from the police. After you get your reward of money, flee the country before you are discovered as the source of the fake money. Sawyer has only done this fifteen times because it's so hard.
The fifth and final con is called "The Long Con". WARNING: To do this you need above average intelligence. Okay. For "The Long Con" you need to manipulate people, twisting around what they think, making them think the things that you want them to think, make them paranoid of the wrong things, suspicious of the wrong people. Make them trust you when they shouldn't. Do this until you get what you want. Then lather. Rinse. And repeat.
Okay, now that you know all the cons you know that Sawyer doesn't actually like Jessica at all. It's just a con. Good.
"Well...?" Jessica said again. Sawyer bit his lip.
"That's... my entire life savings..." Jessica gasped and clapped her hands, looking excited.
"You're RICH!" she shouted. Sawyer shook his head.
"I guess... but it's not even half the money I need to pay my electricity bill."
Jessica gasped and pouted. "You know, David and I could help you out."
Sawyer was puzzled. "Who's David?" he asked. Jessica giggled.
"My boyfriend... Huh, I'm cheatin' on him, I'm scum!" She seemed to love this idea. She hopped up and down on the bed with a crazed grin. Sawyer smiled wryly.
"Ya sure are, baby... come 'ere, scum." And they kissed and stuff.
...
On the beach, Jack was stressed out. Kate didn't know what to do, because the doctor was raging.
"WHERE COULD HE HAVE PUT THE INHALER!" Jack shouted. Kate cowered under a tree. Jack kicked some sand into the ocean. "GAA! SHANNON'S GONNA DIE CAUSE OF THAT SCUM!"
Kate cleared her throat. "Jack, I could try to get it from him. We have a connection."
Jack snorted with laughter. "A connection! Okay then, go get it from him. I'm sure your connection will help you, princess." He rolled his eyes.
Kate tossed her hair behind her shoulders dramatically, and glared at Jack. "Okay, bye, Jack. I'll see you around?"
"Sure, whatever." Jack spat on the ground, and Kate turned on her heel and stomped off to Sawyer's tent.
Sawyer quickly hid his letter when Kate entered his tent.
"Sawyer, hey," Kate said. She sat down next to him. Sawyer stiffened. His eyes were red, like he'd been crying.
"Hey Kate." He sniffled.
"Sawyer, what do you want for the inhaler?" Kate asked bluntly. Sawyer threw his head back and groaned.
"I don't have any inhaler, Kate! Especially not Shannon's! I'm sorry, but I don't!"
Kate bit her lip, frustrated. "Sawyer, stop. We know you have it. We saw what you did to Boone."
"Boone did that to himself, Freckle! The kid's got some serious problems!"
"Yeah, sure," Kate said, thinking of a way to get Sawyer to give it to her. "Hey, Sawyer... if I kiss you, will you give it to me?"
Sawyer stared at her. "You... you wanna kiss me?" he asked. Kate rolled her eyes.
"If I have to, yeah... I won't really mind, if you know what I mean," Kate told to him, being honest. Sawyer pulled away from her.
"Kate, I don't have the inhaler!"
Kate huffed and stood up. "Thanks for nothing, loser."
Sawyer watched her storm out dramatically. And he cried. Again.
...
Out in the jungle, Sayid was still upset over the antennae thing. After interrogating Charlie, he now suspected Locke was the one that had attacked him.
He found him in the jungle, turning a poor dead polar bear into a rug. He stomped up to the Bald.
"I hate you!" he shouted at him. Locke looked up and for a second his smiling mouth flickered into frown. He quickly rearranged his face in a pleasant expression.
"How come?"
Sayid spat on the ground. "YOU KNOCKED ME OUT!" he shouted, making rude hand gestures all the while. Locke chuckled.
"Nuh uh, that was Sawyer."
Sayid gasped, buying it.
"It was?"
Locke couldn't believe how easy lying and manipulating people was. He decided to do it more often.
"Yep, because he doesn't want to leave the island."
Sayid gasped again.
"He doesn't?"
Locke shook his head.
"Nope."
Sayid ran off to find and torture the red neck, and Locke burst out into evil laughter.
...
Shannon walked into the caves. She sneezed. She had pretty terrible allergies of almost all the things on the freaky island.
"Hey, are you okay?" Charlie asked her, on his way out of the caves. He was going to go visit Claire again. Shannon nodded.
"Yeah... it's just my allergies."
Charlie looked down at his feet awkwardly.
"Oh... well, sorry for tripping on you earlier. It was the nargles..."
"Um."
"Yeah... see you around." Charlie left the caves. Shannon hoped she wouldn't get the flu, too. Charlie had had it yesterday. Shannon sneezed, just as Jack walked into the caves.
"Hey Shannon," he said. Shannon was about to reply, but her throat was too clogged with mucus from her allergies. She gasped for breath. "Oh. My. Word," Jack said, "It's your asthma!"
"Wha-" Shannon tried to say, but her throat was still all clogged.
Jack started panicking. He made her a little bed of blankets and she laid down on them. She wondered what was going on.
"I swear, I will kill Sawyer," Jack muttered to himself. Shannon gasped, but it came out as a cough instead. Jack set to work making her better.
Just then, Sawyer walked into the caves carrying a bottle of water. He paled when he saw Shannon lying there on the ground, struggling to breath. Jack sprang up with anger.
"Hey, Jack..."
Jack ran over to him and tackled him.
"SAWYER, YOU EVIL-" he punched him, "CHEATING-" he kicked him, "THIEF!".
Sawyer refused to fight back, and lay on the ground getting beaten to a pulp.
...
FLASHBACK
Sawyer and Jessica and a strange man were sitting in a McDonald's eating lunch. The strange man was wearing a shirt that said "I Was An Honors Student in College". His name was David, he was Jessica's husband, and he was eating a large cheeseburger. Jessica had a salad and Sawyer was eating chicken nuggets.
"... So you expect me to pay this man's electricity bill?" David asked his wife in an annoying nasal voice. Jessica frowned.
"Not all of it! Just half!"
Sawyer nodded. "I don't mean to be needy... but I really need the money." David glared at him.
"Need, shmeed! Who cares! Why is your bill even that high!"
Sawyer blushed. Jessica looked at him curiously.
"Yeah, why is it that high?"
"Well," Sawyer said. "Some guy invaded my house for years and left all my electronic devices on constantly while I was in college and living in a dorm. He's dead now, so he can't pay the bills and I have to."
David snorted. "Yeah right... he's probably just pretending to be dead to get out of paying. People these days..." He shook his head and Sawyer beamed because David and Jessica had bought the lie so easily.
"So... will you help me pay?" Sawyer directed this to Jessica. Jessica grinned.
"Jessica would do anything for Sawyer!" she said. David chuckled.
"Oh, Jessie," he said, shaking his head in amusement.
Sawyer stared down at the table in shame at what he was doing to their relationship, then realized he was out of character, and looked up with a desperate expression on his handsome face.
"Please, this has been really bugging me. Can you help me pay? You guys seem incredibly generous."
David shone with the praise and considered for the first time what helping Sawyer would mean.
"Hmmm... well... IF I pay for this, I would only have ten dollars left over all."
"WHAT!" Jessica yelped. Sawyer glanced at her nervously, but suddenly some random guy walked over to the table. Sawyer didn't know it, but it was Anthony Cooper (Tom Sawyer, to Sawyer).
"Excuse me? May I please talk to you for a moment, ma'am?" Cooper asked. Jessica hopped up, frowning at Sawyer and David.
"Sure, random guy. I'll be right back, boys." She skipped over to Tom's table.
Sawyer strained to hear there conversation over David's loud, unconcerned chewing.
"You love Sawyer, don't you?" Tom asked Jessica.
"Yes! Of course!"
"You would do anything for him?"
"Of course I would! I love him, don't you understand!"
"Then do that deal with him. He needs the money."
"Okay. Can I go back to my boyfriends now?"
"Yes."
Jessica the cheating lying idiotic bad-example (we are not glorifying cheating on your partner) skipped back to her table with a grin. Sawyer looked over to Cooper (remember, he'd never met him in person, just talked to him over the phone). Sawyer gave him a confused smile. "Why'd you do that?" he mouthed. Cooper just grinned and winked at Sawyer. And then he left the restaurant without giving any explanation to Sawyer.
"Who was that?" David asked Jessica between large bites of his burger.
"I dunno," said Jessica, but she was smiling at Sawyer, not David. Sawyer was getting very uncomfortable with the situation and wanted to leave.
"Um... I've gotta leave..." said Sawyer. Jessica pouted.
"But you haven't finished your Happy Meal!" she said. Sawyer blushed.
"Sorry, I really have to leave. I.. um... need to feed my cat..."
David gaped at him, a chunk of meat on his tongue.
"I didn't know you had a cat!" he said. Sawyer frowned, sweating.
"I...I just got him and he gets really hungry... so I have to leave right now."
David cleared his throat. "Well. I'll think about that deal than... I'm leaning towards doing it, I must admit."
Jessica squealed with glee. "Let's do it now! Sawyer needs money!"
David grinned, his eyes bulging with excitment. "GOOD IDEA! But I don't have my money right now..."
Sawyer, despite how much he wanted to leave right at that very moment, thought of the future. He wanted this whole thing to be over as soon as possible. He got an idea suddenly.
"Oh! How about this. I'll come by your house this evening with my money, and you'll have yours at the ready and I'll put it in an envelope and we'll walk to the post office together."
"GREAT IDEA!" yelled the idiots at the same time. Sawyer grinned a fake smile.
"Well, it's a deal than... Now I really must go. My cat's waitin'"." Jessica smiled at the con man and kissed him on the cheek. David gasped.
Sawyer left the couple yelling at each other and shuddered at what he had became. Walking down the street to his motel he caught his reflection in a puddle from last night's rain.
The Sawyer in it was distorted and strange looking. Sawyer broke down then, sobbing, and his tears added to the puddle of despair.
...
Charlie had made his way to the beach again, this time with an idea for a game to play with Claire in mind. It took only seconds to locate the Aussie, and Charlie was pleased to see that she smiled when she saw him.
"Hey, Claire!" Charlie said with a grin. Claire blushed. She decided to just go along with these strange feelings she had for the young rock god.
"Hey, Charlie!" She smiled again and Charlie's heart throbbed.
"Um..." he said, forgetting what he had planned to say to her. "I love your shirt?"
Claire was wearing a pink shirt today. Nothing special, in her opinion. "Oh, thanks."
"Do you need help with anything?" he asked her. Claire was about to shake her head, but she changed her mind at the last second.
"Um, yeah, actually... I'm rather lonely. Wanna... I dunno... talk?"
Charlie clapped his hands and nodded frantically. "Yeah, yeah! YES! I mean... sure."
Claire giggled nervously. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this attracted to someone.
"I have this game that we can play!" Charlie blurted out. Claire raised her eyebrows.
"Okay, what's your idea of fun, rock star?" she flirted. Charlie bit his lip.
"It's not a rock star game!" he said, thinking of the stupid drinking and drugging games he used to play with the band. "It's a game I played with Hurley earlier. It's called 'What do you miss the most'."
Claire raised her eyebrows even higher. "How do I play?"
"Well, we take turns saying things that we miss from our regular lives and stuff. Wanna play?"
Claire rolled her eyes with a smirk.
"What...?" asked Charlie, feeling let down and stupid. Hurley had liked the game!
"Nothing! I'll play. You go first." Claire could think of a whole list of things she missed, but wanted to hear Charlie's first.
"Okay... um... pie. Banofee pie with a coffee and sugar topping."
Claire giggled. "Okay, I miss my pillow. Your turn."
"Um... Christmas Cake."
Claire laughed. "What's that?"
Charlie started explaining in full detail, but Claire cut him off. "It's okay! I miss... my bed." She sighed.
Charlie bit his lip. "Well, um... I miss chocolate pudding with raspberry glaze."
"Blankets."
"Huh?"
"I miss blankets!"
"But... we have blankets."
"I miss my blankets!"
"Oh, okay, um... I miss English Muffins with orange marmalade."
Claire stared at him. "Is food all you miss?" she giggled. Charlie smiled.
"Well, don't you miss food? You're the pregnant one! Don't you have cravings?"
Claire shrugged. "I have one craving. Peanut Butter."
Charlie gaped at her. "You actually like peanut butter!"
Claire blushed. "Yeah, I know! I'm like the only person in the world who likes peanut butter."
Charlie nodded. "I bet you , I don't have any on me at the moment."
They sat next to each other for awhile in silence. Charlie grabbed Claire's hand, and she didn't pull away.
"If I... if I get you peanut butter will you live in the caves with me?" Charlie asked. Claire blushed, remembering when her old boy friend Thomas had asked her a very similar question. Charlie isn't Thomas! she reminded herself. He's nicer!
"Um... okay. If you can get me peanut butter, " Claire said. Charlie grinned his dopey grin at her and stood up.
"See you in an hour... with peanut butter!" He kissed her hand and ran off.
...
In the caves, Shannon was very confused. Jack was instructing her on how to breath properly. He had just gotten back from pummeling Sawyer. Shannon was worried that he would beat her up, too, and tried to breath normally like he wanted her too. She had so much mucus from her allergies, though, that it was pretty difficult. Sun was watching her with fear.
Suddenly, Jack got up and swore. "WHERE'D SAWYER GO!" Jack yelled. Shannon cowered in fear. Jack hopped up and started running out of the caves to go to the beach. Sayid, who had been coming into the caves every few minutes to check on Shannon, followed him out.
"Jack! Wait up!" he shouted. Jack let Sayid catch up to him, then they both started running to the beach as fast as they could.
"Are... you... going after... Sawyer, too?" Sayid gasped as they sprinted through the jungle. Jack nodded.
"Yeah. I need to get that inhaler from him!" he explained. Sayid smiled.
"Well, if... reasoning... doesn't work... I used to be... a... torturer."
Jack clapped his hands in excitement and started running even faster.
"Sayid, that is PERFECT! Way to go!"
"Aw, shucks..." Sayid muttered. Suddenly, they both bumped into someone who was not paying attention to where they were going. They were flung onto the ground with force.
"DANG IT!" yelled Jack, as Sayid swore in a foreign language. They tried to see who it was.
It was Charlie. Jack and Sayid swore some more.
"Hey guys!" asked Charlie, in his annoying British voice. Every time Jack heard a British accent he wanted to punch an infant.
"What, Charlie?" asked Sayid, getting up. He wiped dirt off his clothes.
"Do you have any peanut butter?" Charlie asked them. Jack and Sayid gagged in disgust at this ridiculous question.
"WASTE OF MY TIME!" laughed Sayid, and he and Jack sprinted off again. Charlie frowned.
"Huh..." Suddenly, something on the ground caught his eye. He picked it up. It was an inhaler. It had initials on it.
"J "S" F..." Charlie read the initials to himself. "Johann Sebastian Flitwick maybe?" he muttered, assigning random names to the letters. "Maybe... Wow... he has asthma?"
Charlie didn't care, so he chucked the inhaler across the jungle and continued his search for peanut butter.
Jack got to the beach with Sayid, and looked around for Sawyer. They finally located him over by the library.
"Hey, Sawyer!" said Jack, running up to Sawyer with a grin.
Sawyer pouted. "Hello."
Sayid walked up Jack and gasped for breath. "Sawyer, this is your last chance."
"For what?" Sawyer asked. He had band aids all over his face. He didn't smile at the bullies.
Jack did a bored and exasperated eye-roll. "To give us the inhaler, genius."
Sawyer threw back his head in frustration. "GAAA! WHY!" he shouted.
Sayid frowned. "You have five seconds to give us the inhaler. Sawyer. Come on!"
Jack began counting. He stopped at two, so that Sawyer wouldn't die, then grabbed onto his left shoulder. Sayid grabbed the right one, and they picked him up.
Claire watched in horror as they carried Sawyer down the beach. There was nothing she could do to help her friend, and she tried not to scream.
"Put me down!" yelped Sawyer. Jack cackled.
"Never! We're gonna torture you!"
Sayid laughed evilly. "And you certainly deserve it, REDNECK SCUM."
Jack smirked at Sawyer's terrified face. "I love karma, man."
And they carried him off into the jungle.
...
Charlie still couldn't find any peanut butter. He had asked Hurley for some, but their conversation had gone something like this:
"Hurley, do you have any peanut butter?"
"Dude... what's that?"
"You know... peanuts all mashed up with butter. Or something."
"Dude... what're peanuts?"
"You know... peanuts. Like... aren't they vegetables or something?"
"You eat your vegetables!"
"Um... maybe."
"Huh huh, you'd better not, dude. Because if you did you'd be in serious danger."
"Phew... Thank God I've never eaten them... okay, Hurley? Do you have peanut butter? It's for Claire!"
"I don't have anything that could possibly even be linked to vegetables, Charlie. It's just not safe!"
"Wha–"
"–But if it's fruit you're after, I've got some baked beans and stuff over in my bags."
"Uh... that's okay Hurley, no thanks. I'm good. Just peachy. I'm very nice at the moment."
"That's for Santa to decide, not you, dude. You might be on the naughty list. Have you been behaving well?"
"Bye, Hurley... hey, get off me!"
"Charlie, answer my question!"
"Hahaha Hurley I'm going to be leaving now please let go of me!"
"HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY!"
"Let go of me Hurley I really must be going let me go let me go I can't breathe-"
"ANSWER ME."
"Gaa... I'm choking..."
"HAVE YOU BEEN NAUGHTY!"
"NO!"
"Okay. Bye Charlie!"
"Bye!"
And that was their whole conversation. Kind of a weird one. But hey, Charlie accepted it. It hadn't been too unpleasant.
Charlie walked up to Locke, taking long, confident strides, ready to ask Locke if he had any peanut butter. But he didn't think that Locke had any.
"Hey, John? Do you have any peanut butter?" Charlie asked Locke. Locke hid a jar behind his back right away.
"What no of course not," he said. Charlie immediately believed him. He smiled.
"Locke, you rock, you know?" he said. He admired the man for helping him kick his drug habit.
Locke grinned. "Too bad you don't, right?" he said, in such a happy way that Charlie knew that he must of misheard him.
"Yeah..." he agreed, just to get on Locke's good side.
"Who's the peanut butter for, anyway?" Locke asked Charlie. Charlie smiled.
"Claire," he said with a huge grin. He was pretty sure he was already IN LOVE with the Aussie.
Locke frowned, caught between his hatred for Charlie and his fatherly love for Claire.
"Hmmm... I sure wish I could help you guys, Charlie." Just then, the jar that was behind Locke's back fell onto the ground. Charlie tried to see what it said.
He failed. "What's it say, John?"
"That's Mr. Locke to you, boy," Locke corrected Charlie, quickly hiding the jar. Charlie blushed.
"Oh, sorry..."
"And if you can't read, that's your problem, not mine. I'm not gonna read stuff out loud for you."
"I can't read?" Charlie asked, caught off guard. "I mean, I can read!"
Locke chuckled. "Sure. Why don't you go find that peanut butter somewhere else now, okay? I want to finish making this rug before it gets dark out here."
Charlie nodded quietly. "Okay... um, J- Mr. Locke, I mean... do you happen to have the time?"
Locke laughed at the question, but checked his internal clock nonetheless. "'Tis quarter til four, my lad!" he said in his best imitation of a Charlie British accent. Charlie didn't notice. Darn it! thought Locke to himself.
"Thanks... wait, oh my goodness... it's that late already!" Charlie pulled a face and turned around quickly. "Bye-bye, Mr. Locke!" He ran off, running out of time to get that peanut butter, and just barely avoiding the knife that Locke had thrown in his direction.
...
"GAAAHAAAA!"
Sawyer was in severe pain. Sayid was a very good torturer. Not only was he pinching Sawyer repeatedly, he was playing horrible music in the background. From Ke$ha to Drive Shaft, it was giving Sawyer a major headache. To make it even worse, Jack was reading My Immortal out loud, knowing about Sawyer's love for good books, including the Harry Potter series. Was there any worse torture for a man who hated fan fiction? There probably was, but Sawyer hoped Jack didn't figure that out.
"You enjoying this, Sawyer!" yelled Jack. He was watching Sayid pinch Sawyer without a fear in the world.
"No... OUCH! I'm not..."
Sayid chuckled, turning magenta. "Than give us that inhaler."
"I DON'T HA-AVE IT! Ow..."
Jack read louder, and cranked up the music. Sawyer felt so terrible about how Ke$ha was corrupting the youth, that he was relieved to hear that it was Eminem this time.
But there was something different with this song. The music wasn't coming out of the radio anymore. Sawyer paled, and whipped around. The scary rapper was behind Sawyer, standing in a huge field while rapping and yelling with anger.
"Next time, I won't put my fist in the drywall! Next time, there won't be no nexttime, life is no Nintendo game..." Sawyer let out a scream of terror. Rappers terrified him, especially Eminem.
Sayid was laughing again, thinking that Sawyer was starting to crack.
"Give us the inhaler!" he yelled. Jack got excited and set the jungle on fire to make their surroundings more terrifying for Sawyer. Now that Rihanna was there, too, Sawyer was living in his worst nightmare. Which happened to be the Love the Way You Lie music video.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn... That's alright because I like the way it hurts... Just gonna stand there and watch me cry... That's alright because I love the way you lie..."
Sawyer writhed in pain. Sayid and Jack were messed up! Had they planned this whole thing? Had they read Sawyer's diary to see what his worst fears were!
Jack looked like he was getting worried though, especially when someone that looked like Charlie but with shorter hair and more tattoos started running around with Megan Fox in a burning house that had appeared out of nowhere. Sawyer stared at the sky and screamed out in pain once more, unable to control himself.
"Sayid, stop!" Jack yelled suddenly. Sayid turned around to Jack with an evil grin, and a strange red glint in his normally dark eyes.
"NO, JACK! WE MUST GET REVENGE!"
Sawyer started sobbing, just as Kate ran up to see what was going on.
"Jack, what's happening!" she gasped, when she saw the famous musicians rapping and singing a song about domestic abuse. She noticed the fire, too, and the Charlie person kissing Megan Fox with passion.
"We were torturing Sawyer, but Sayid got a little out of control!" Jack said. Sayid laughed maniacally.
"You never should have knocked me out, Sawyer!" he yelled, his voice getting more and more snobbish by the second. Sawyer screamed again. It didn't sound like Sayid anymore.
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"
Kate gazed in concern at the scene, not sure what to do. "Guys stop!" she yelled, but Sayid didn't hear her. Jack tried to put out the fire, to no avail. Eminem was suddenly in front of the burning house with Charlie's scary clone and Megan Fox inside. He and Rihanna sang together as Megan Fox slapped Charlie's clone. One thing that bothered Kate was that the rap's words were messed up and not in the right order, like whoever was impersonating the musicians hadn't ever payed attention to the lyrics.
Sawyer gasped for breath, forcing himself to try and be calm. "Kate, can I talk to you for a second?" he managed to say. Sayid glared at Kate, and she hesitated.
"Kate... please!" said Sawyer.
Jack grimaced, but surprised Sawyer."Go ahead Kate! Maybe you're connection will help us get the inhaler!"
Kate nodded, now determined. She and Jack pulled Sayid away from Sawyer, knocking the torturer out, and the musicians immediately disappeared, as well as the house and the fire. Charlie's clone vanished into thin air just as he had begun kissing Megan Fox for the eighteenth time. She stormed off into the jungle, looking embarrassed.
One frantic minute later, Kate was alone with Sawyer. She leaned near him and punched him in the face.
"Ouch!" Sawyer gasped.
"Sorry, my hand slipped," Kate lied with a grin. "Now what did you want?"
Sawyer took a deep breath, pushed the punch out of his mind, and went back to the job at hand. "I want you... to look at the ground behind you...!"
Kate gave him a confused look, then turned around. On the ground there was an inhaler. Kate gasped in surprise.
"Wow! It's like magic! Our connection really did help!" she said in joy. Sawyer shook his head with a smile. He had no idea what all this "connection" stuff was, but with Kate he sure didn't mind.
"No... it was there the whole time I was being tortured," he told her. "Now read the label..."
"It's just a bunch of random letters."
Sawyer shook his head. "No, it's initials. J "S" F."
"How did you know that!"
"Because, Kate... those are my initials... James "Sawyer" Ford."
Kate gasped. "You have asthma!"
Sawyer nodded. "I was talking to Shannon earlier... and she doesn't. Boone was lying."
Kate smirked. "If lying was a crime, we would all be in jail," she said, quoting one of the Pretty Little Liars.
Sawyer smiled, his dimples looking great despite all his bruises.. "Oh, I like you."
Kate smiled and leaned into him. "I like you, too..."
And they kissed.
...
FLASHBACK
Sawyer was sitting on a park bench, reading a book. It was Dangerously Alice. He enjoyed it for the most part, but he thought that if he had a teenage daughter she might enjoy it more than him.
Suddenly, his cellphone rang. He answered in less than a second.
"Hello, bowl-full-of-jelly," he said. Tom Sawyer chuckled on the other end of the line.
"Hey, James!" he said.
"So... what's up?" Sawyer asked. Tom Sawyer laughed again, but this time it sounded dry, insincere.
"I want the money from that con, Sawyer. I'm getting impatient."
"Well, sorry! It's rather hard to do this quickly!"
"Don't get snippy, young man!"
Sawyer got up off the bench, and started walking to his car.
"Oh, so are you older than me? Or are you some power-hungry teenager? See, I never get to see you..."
"James! Shut up! Now listen to me."
"Sure, whatever."
"If I don't get the money by tomorrow I will trigger a train of events that will lead to the death of Adam Rutherford."
"Oh no... who's he?"
"Important business man down in LA. He's married, and has a daughter, Shannon, and a step-son, Boone, who love him dearly."
"Argh! You're evil, you know that?"
"Well, you could just let me kill him, James. You don't have to be so heroic."
Sawyer got inside his car and strapped himself in. He leaned back in his seat with a frown. "I am not heroic... I'm a con man!"
"Ha! Sucks for you. You know, you've probably caused more death and unhappiness with your cons than you would have caused if you'd just let me murder the people."
"Stop..."
"Remember your parents?"
"STOP!"
"You're just like me James... think of all the poor kids who's lives you've made just like yours."
"Shut up..." Sawyer's voice cracked. "Just stop, okay!" Tom Sawyer laughed some more.
"Fine! Sorry, I just really wanna kill Adam."
"Well, sorry. I have it all planned out to finish up this con tonight."
"Oh, goody! More money for me, more unhappiness for you. Perfect!"
Sawyer hung up the phone and sped out of the parking lot.
...
Kate untied Sawyer from the tree he was attached to, and they skipped together to Sayid and Jack.
"Hey, guys! Guess what!" Kate sang out. Sawyer grabbed her arm to steady himself, and Kate didn't shake him off.
Jack stared at the two of them with anger. How could Kate do this to him! She had said that she wouldn't run off with Sawyer, but now it appeared she had.
"Hey, Kate," said Jack. He stomped up to her and kissed her on the cheek. Kate smiled, Sawyer frowned, and Sayid swore.
"WE MUST DESTROY SAWYER!" he yelled. Jack leaned near Kate and whispered into her ear.
"He's under Seth's spell!" he told her. "I think Seth is causing all this extra stuff." Kate gasped, looking at Sayid with fear.
"What?" Sawyer asked. Kate leaned towards him, brushing his hair away from his ear tenderly.
"Sayid's under Seth's spell."
Sawyer gasped, and took a step back from Sayid. Sayid leered towards them.
"So, Kate. Did Sawyer give you the inhaler?" Jack asked. Kate smiled.
"Shannon doesn't have asthma! It's Sawyer that does! Boone's the liar, not Sawyer!" she squealed.
Jack frowned. "I bet that made you happy, huh?" He turned on his heal and stomped off.
"Huh?" Kate said.
Sayid was now magenta. He leapt towards Sawyer and Kate. Kate pulled away from the men.
"Sayid, stop!"
"SAWYER'S THE LIAR!"
Sawyer whimpered. Sayid pulled out Hurley's knife.
"SAYID!" Kate screamed. Sayid smiled.
"Time for you to die, red neck," he said, but now he sounded exactly like Seth Norris. Kate shuddered, but stopped herself from going into convulsions. It seemed a bit too dramatic.
Sawyer screamed as Sayid plunged the knife into his arm.
"JAAAAACK!" Kate screamed, crying. "JAAAAAACK!"
Sawyer convulsed dangerously as Sayid laughed in Seth's dangerous way.
Jack, who was walking through the jungle with a pout on his face, stopped for a second. Was that Kate yelling for him? He turned around and sprinted back to find his true love.
Sawyer was no longer conscious. Sayid was looking for something else to stab when Kate ran towards him and grabbed the knife.
"HOW DARE YOU!" he shouted at her. Kate wrestled him to the ground just as Jack arrived.
"Kate, I'll save you!" he shouted. He got Kate off of Sayid.
"Jack, save Sawyer, not me!" she yelled. Jack looked at the dying con man and decided that because Kate loved Sawyer, he would save him. Because he loved Kate.
He leapt over to Sawyer and started tending to his arm.
...
Charlie was really starting to panic now. He only had two more minutes to find peanut butter for Claire! Gaa! Why did her favourite food have to be so crazy?
Charlie ran to the beach and double-checked his stuff for a jar of the goop. No luck.
One minute left. None in Sawyer's bag. Why why why?
Charlie saw Claire sitting on a beach towel by the water, smiling. Probably day dreaming about the peanut butter. Charlie swore in despair.
He ran over to Shannon's stuff and dug through it, knowing that he would get in trouble later. No peanut butter! Why was it so bloody rare around here!
He ran back to his stuff again with thirty seconds to go. Claire looked impatient, or worried. She'd probably hate Charlie for making promises he couldn't keep and not getting her peanut butter and being out of breath and having no good excuse for not having it. "I couldn't find any" would sound like such a lie! No one would believe him!
Charlie hated himself for not carrying around Claire's favorite food at all times. Why wasn't there any in his bag! Why hadn't he packed any for the plane ride, just in case!
Charlie glanced at his watch. He had fifteen seconds left until his hour was up. All he had that was even remotely like peanut butter was a large jar of jelly. It would have to do.
He grabbed it and sprinted to Claire.
...
FLASHBACK
Sawyer slowly entered Jessica and David's apartment. He knew exactly what he had to do and what he had to say.
Jessica looked up from her fashion magazine and smile coyly at Sawyer.
"Hey, Sawyer...!" she said. David walked into the room.
"Hey. You ready to do that deal thing?"
Sawyer smiled and nodded.
"Sure am... how about you two?"
David nodded and Jessica beamed. "Definitely! Let's do it."
"Good... your money, please?"
Jess smiled and hopped to the kitchen. "Be back in a sec!" she yelled. David smiled at Sawyer.
"You know, I feel so good about helping you out! It's so cool!"
Sawyer smiled, feeling horrible. Cons always made him feel like this.
Jessica ran back in carrying a burlap sack that said "MONEY" on it. It was overflowing with cash.
"Here!" she said, with a creepy smile. Sawyer couldn't help but notice that her shirt had disappeared during her short absence, revealing a tacky leopard print bra. Sawyer looked away politely, wondering how it could have fallen off.
David looked at the sack of money with a smile. "Now I can feel good about myself... I have done something great with my life! Hooray!"
Sawyer got out his own sack of money. He was eager to get this over with. But then again, he'd just have to do another con after this one...
David grabbed ahold of Jessica's greasy hand and squeezed it tightly. Sawyer smiled at Jessica, but she misunderstood his intention and winked at him, thrusting her hips in his direction.
"Um... Okay, then... let's get this con- sorry, deal... over with!" Sawyer said. David agreed loudly.
"YES, LET'S!"
Sawyer threw both bags over his shoulders and started to walk out of the apartment, when suddenly...
A little boy walked into the room, holding a teddy bear.
He stared at the adults, his mouth dropping open. Sawyer gasped, remembering when he was a little boy and Tom Sawyer had ruined his life...
"THE DEAL'S OFF!" he yelled suddenly. Jessica gasped and started crying.
"But... WHY!" she sobbed. David gaped at Sawyer with a scowl.
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US!" he yelled. Sawyer dropped the bags of money onto their cold stone floor. They were quickly devoured by the cave crickets. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME! I WANTED TO BE YOUR HERO!"
Sawyer swore. "I'm sorry, but... I just can't do this. It's a con, anyway, so-"
"YOU WERE CONNING US!" David shouted with rage. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US!"
Jessica sobbed. "But Sawyer... what about our connection!"
David swore. "To hell with your connections and stuff... HOW COULD HE CON US! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO US!"
"I'M SORRY!" Sawyer yelled. He took a step away from the couple. "But..." he looked at the child, and saw his past self. "I just can't do this!"
David stormed away, tearing up his t-shirt in frustration. Sawyer frowned. Jessica crumpled onto the ground.
"Sawyer, how could you do this to me? I love you!"
Sawyer started crying, and knew he had to leave.
"Well, Jessica... I'm sorry you fell for me."
He turned around and exited the building, giving a small smile to the young boy as he left. The child burst into tears and ran off yelling for his mother.
Sawyer hung his head and drove away, leaving the poor couple behind forever.
...
Charlie skidded to a halt in front of Claire. She smiled at him, and he let out a little sob in return. This jelly thing was gonna be hard to pull off. He had decided just a second ago to pretend that the jelly was actually peanut butter. He hoped Claire wouldn't notice the difference.
"So... I got the peanut butter!" he said. Claire squealed.
"How'd you find it? You are so awesome."
Charlie blushed. "Uh huh... yeah..." he said awkwardly. Perhaps one day he would be a better liar, but right now he didn't have the skills.
Claire bounced up and down a little in excitment. "So... where's my treat?" she asked demandingly, and Charlie prepared himself. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
He pulled out the jar of jelly and held it out to Claire.
"Tuh..." A soft noise escaped from Claire's mouth. She stared at the jar. "Charlie... um...?"
Charlie smiled, knowing he needed to do his best acting ever to pull this off. "Doesn't it look marvelous? Almost too good to eat!"
Claire's face was in a little, confused, half smile. She stared at the jar, then at Charlie. She laughed nervously. "Um, Charlie..."
"Yes, it's looks fantastic. Very peanut buttery." He started unscrewing the lid carefully. "Aww... I can already smell the wonder inside."
"This is a joke, right?" Claire asked, wanting to make sure. Charlie gave her the best shocked expression he could muster. "Oh... um... I guess not...?"
Charlie finished unscrewing the jelly and put the lid onto Claire's towel. "You may lick it if you want... it's hard to resist, yes?" He chuckled a bit.
Claire stared at the jar. "I'm not hungry."
Charlie gasped. "No... no, Claire, please! Just try it! It's good!"
Claire grimaced. "Charlie..."
Charlie looked her in the eyes. "Claire... please... I... I tried, really, really hard to find this for you... and it... it hurts that you don't want it..."
Claire bit her lip to keep from crying. She watched as Charlie stuck his finger into the jar and pulled out a gob of dark purple jelly. He licked it off his finger and smiled.
"It's really good, Claire... it's the best bloody peanut butter in all the world."
Claire stared at the jar, and at Charlie, and suddenly it hit her. Charlie had gone out of his way to get this for her. For her, Claire, not tall, blonde Shannon or sexy Kate, but pregnant, vulnerable, Australian Claire. He obviously liked her. She could tell. And she liked him. So who cared if he was crazy and didn't know the difference between peanut butter and jelly? Who cared if he went around all confused and blamed it on "the nargles"? Certainly not Claire.
She reached into the jar and got out a gob of jelly. She licked it off her fingers. "Mmmmm... It's good!" she said, surprised. It was better than peanut butter!
"Yes, isn't it fabulous? It's so good... the kind of peanut butter that sticks to the roof of your mouth and-oh-God-makes-you-want-a-glass-of-milk..."
Claire giggled and licked the jelly off the lid. "It's so creamy!" she said, playing along. Charlie grinned.
"I know, right?" They sat together for awhile, until they finished the jar. When they were done eating Claire thanked Charlie and shook him warmly by the hand. Charlie was very, very pleased.
"I'm glad you liked it, Claire," he told her. Claire giggled.
"So am I."
Charlie leaned in, ready to kiss her, but she pulled away.
"Not yet, Charlie... I'm not ready."
Charlie smiled at her. "Fine." Claire giggled.
... And scene.
...
LATER...
Sawyer was lying down on the couch of the library. He was asleep. His arm was stitched up and he had a bandage. He was out so cold that he didn't even notice Kate, who had crept up to him, holding his special letter.
"Sawyer," she said. Sawyer was still asleep. "SAWYER."
Sawyer started waking up. "Wha-?"
"SAWYER!"
Sawyer sat up quickly. "Hoosthere!" he asked, rubbing his eyes. He blinked the sleep out from them and then noticed Kate. He smiled shyly.
"Hey, Kate... Were you watching me sleep? Like Edward does to Bella?"
"Edward? Bella? What?"
"Nothing..." He sighed, and rubbed his arm. "Why are you here, Kate?"
"Because I like you, Sawyer."
"Well, that's great... Hey, is that my letter in your hand!"
Kate bit her lip and giggled. "Yeah, it's your letter alright."
"Give it to me! You didn't read it, did you?"
"Yep."
Sawyer groaned in despair. Kate ruffled his hair.
"It's okay," she told him. He frowned.
"You know, Freckle, it's not. That's an invasion of my privacy."
Kate frowned back at him. "Is not! By the way, you wrote that letter."
"So what if I did!"
Kate put her hands on her hips. "Well, I feel bad for you is all. And don't worry about the important thing you told me yesterday. You're not the only murderer around here."
Sawyer tilted his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Who else...?"
"Um, me? Duh."
"Oh."
They stared at each other. Sawyer folded up his letter and put it into his pocket, his gaze never straying away from Kate. And suddenly, she was kissing him. He kissed her back, passionately.
Suddenly, Kate pulled away. "Shh! Someone's watching us!" she whispered. Sawyer peered through the door of the library. Sure enough, some creeps were out there peeking in on them.
He strained to here what they were saying. "I thought she was engaged?" he heard.
"It's Claire!" Kate mouthed to him. Sawyer's brow furrowed.
"Yeah, but she only knew Jack for ten days!" Sawyer heard Charlie whisper.
"Well, that's not an excuse for her to go around snogging other guys!" Kate was blushing. Sawyer blushed too.
"Well, if she were to kiss you..."
"Excuse me!"
"Okay, if you're going to be like that, say you're a guy then. If she were to kiss you, you wouldn't exactly pull back now, would you?"
They heard Claire scoff. "Well, she's engaged, so yeah!"
Kate held back a smile as Sawyer blushed furiously. He grabbed a book off one of the shelves and pretended to be reading, but Kate noticed right away that the book was upside down.
"Well, I certainly would kiss back, " Charlie said.
Sawyer raised his eyebrows. He felt like he was eavesdropping on a very private conversation. Kate was giggling silently.
"Charlie, Charlie, Charlie..." she said. Then she reached up and kissed Sawyer again, ignoring Charlie's insane giggles. She and Sawyer moved out of the view of anyone and continued there "snogging" deeper in the library.
...
EVEN LATER...
Sayid packed his bag. He needed to get away. He had been possessed by a monster and would never forgive himself for what he had done to Sawyer.
"Waste of my time!" he shouted when Claire and Charlie bumped into him on their way to the caves. They scurried away.
When he ran into Boone he screamed with rage and tied him up. "Your lie started this whole mess!" he screamed at him.
Boone chuckled. "What mess? You're making things up. All I started was revenge on a thief, Sayid. Who cares if he's now in severe pain?"
"I DO!" Sayid yelled. Boone laughed and squirmed out of his bonds with ease. He ran down the beach, leaving Sayid and his rage behind.
Sayid stomped to the shoreline and crossed his arms because he was so angry. He was angry at himself, angry at Seth, angry at Boone, angry at Jack, angry at Sawyer, and angry at Locke. He swore in a foreign language. Suddenly, Kate ran up to him.
He wasn't angry at Kate. "Hello, Kate," he said. She had proved to him that she was somewhat intelligent, unlike all the others.
"Sayid, are you going somewhere?" she asked him. Very observant, she was. Sayid smiled at her.
"Yes. I am going to walk along the beach and map the shoreline. I will be gone for weeks."
"Can't someone else do that? I mean, I don't want you getting hurt."
"Kate, what better person is there to do it than the only person I trust?"
Kate frowned. "Sayid... please don't go!" She used her lovey-dovey eyes on him, but he was unaffected by her charm.
"Kate, why is it that you're interested in Jack romantically, you're interested in Sawyer, you're even romantically interested in ME, but you're content with a platonic friendship with Charlie!"
"Sayid..." Kate grinned. "Are you a Chater?" Sayid scowled at the ground in a fun, pretend way.
"So what if I am!" he said with a grin. Then he reached up and kissed Kate's hand. She smiled at him.
"Sayid... I'll miss you!" she said. Sayid looked into her eyes and smiled.
"And I'll miss you, Kate. Good bye!"
"We will see each other again, Sayid," Kate said. Sayid smiled and set off down the beach, pleased with himself for doing the right thing.