Finn walked home from Rae's house with a smile on his lips. He shook his head happily when his thoughts drifted back to the idea waking up next to Rae everyday. The only reference point he had, the one that he clung to and replayed incessantly, was the morning after her party. They'd slept in the same bed, and he'd fallen asleep first, practically in the middle of a sentence. It had been a draining night, but Rae had somehow made him feel that things were going to be okay, despite losing his nan, despite her having treated him like crap all day, and he fell into a dreamless, satisfying slumber.

When he'd woken up that morning, he was disoriented for a moment, trying to place where he was. He'd never forget the image he first saw: a cartoon bunny in a dress next to a Wonderwall poster. But when he carefully turned over, there she was, still asleep. She didn't snore, but her breathing was deep and even. He looked at her fondly even then, but obviously his memory had become distorted by longing. Every time they said good night, he'd see a flicker of that morning in his mind and wish furiously that they could spend every night sleeping by each other's side.

These wishes had only gotten more intense since last Wednesday. It had been so hard to leave her after they had finally done it. He had been pretty cavalier with a few hearts in his past dalliances, but that was only because none of them had captured his. He honestly and truly desired nothing more than to spend all his time with Rae. He hadn't quite grasped the concept that you can't miss someone if they're always there. And that it was the exquisite torture of wanting, wanting to be near someone you can't always be with, that makes your first love so special.

Rae, on the other hand, felt a little differently about the situation. Though she definitely wanted to have sex with Finn again (and again and again), and while she thought it would be brilliant to just be able to fall asleep afterwards, enjoying the afterglow for more than a minute … she sighed in frustration. She still had this fear that if Finn spent too much time with her, he'd lose interest. And, as she was getting to know herself better through therapy, she also was starting to figure out that she was someone who needed time and space to process things. If they were together all the time, she worried that she wouldn't be able to properly enjoy it. She'd have to do her worrying in real time, instead of saving it up for private fretting sessions. She wasn't worried about burping in his mouth anymore (he'd probably find that hilarious), but she was concerned about blowing up in front of him, like she'd done the day before Knebworth at the chippy.

She loved being with him, and it was getting easier to relax around him, but she still needed time on her own. And she realized she also needed her diary. She had distrusted it for weeks after it had fallen into Chloe's hands. But the fact that Chloe hadn't actually read it, had only read the page that Rae herself had ripped out and thrown into her bag angrily, meant that she had to find a way to trust both herself more and the diary again.

After she filled four pages with her wandering thoughts, she breathed a sigh of relief. It felt good to confess. She closed the book, and stood up to close her bedroom curtains. She glanced out the window and saw Mrs. Dewhurst silhouetted in profile in her front room. She was looking down, and her posture seemed sad. Rae recalled her thoughts from a couple of months ago: that some bodies weren't meant to be touched, and therefore some people weren't meant to be loved. She'd been resigned to it at the time. Mrs. Dewhurst seemed feisty and cheerful enough; she'd thought, "Cool. I'll just be a cantankerous old biddy. I'm halfway there, anyway, just need to get old."

Now that she'd known a little of what it was like to both be touched and be loved by someone that she'd chosen to love … she could only imagine how very lonely it would be to live by herself. She needed to remember that, as well.

The band met Friday after school and again Saturday morning. After three hours, Rae looked at her watch and glanced over at Finn. He looked at his watch, too. It was one o'clock, and they still had to get over to see Tix. Finn cleared his throat and said, "We've done good work here, but maybe we should wrap it up?"

Archie and Chop looked at their watches, too. Chop yelped and said, "Fuckin' 'ell, I'm gonna be late to the garage!" He'd swapped shifts with someone in order to make practice. He kissed Izzy on his way out to his scooter. "Catch ya later, babe!" he shouted over his shoulder. Chloe and Izzy looked at Rae. "What are you two up to for the rest of the day?" Chloe asked, waggling her eyebrows.

Rae and Finn exchanged a glance. "We're jus' goin' to take a ride," Rae said, arranging a pile of papers to put in her bag.

"Well, have a nice time," Izzy chimed in. "It might be one of the last nice days this year." It was mid-October, but the weather hadn't turned yet. It was almost balmy, and the sun was out.

"We will," said Finn, and Rae followed with, "See ya later!"

They hopped onto the scooter, fastened their helmets and set off. Finn had looked up the address and gotten directions from his dad's guide map. Rae wrapped her arms around Finn's chest and they set off.

It was chillier at speed, and Rae didn't feel like flinging her arms out like the first time she was on Finn's scooter. Halfway to the facility, they passed Rutland Waters. The early afternoon sun glinted off the surface of the reservoir. Rae took a deep breath and sighed. Finn could feel her chest rise and fall against his back, and silently reminded himself that they were stopping somewhere on their return journey.

Twenty minutes later, they pulled up to the front door of the rehab facility. The front was a large country house they had converted, and there were two newer wings on either side. Rae swung her leg up and over the bike seat and took off her helmet, handing it to Finn. She also took off her backpack, hanging it off the back of the seat.

"Let me go in first, okay? I'm not even completely sure she'll want to see me, let alone anyone else." Finn nodded, and took off his helmet to kiss her.

"Good luck," he said. "I'll be right out here."

Rae rang the buzzer by the front door and waited nervously. An orderly appeared after a moment. He was in his mid-twenties and imposing. He opened the door and said, "Visitor? Give me your name and the name of the patient."

She stammered her own name and then said, "I'm here to see Tix, her last name's Parkhurst. M-my boyfriend might be comin' in to see her, as well. His name's Finn Nelson." She pointed over her shoulder at the figure on the bike.

He nodded and said, "Wait here. I'll see if she's feelin' up to it."

Rae shifted her weight nervously and her fingers fiddled with the edges of her sleeves.

The orderly came back after a few minutes and said, "She'll see you in the garden. Come in and sign the book." Rae glanced back at Finn, who had been observing the whole time. He waved at her and nodded for her to go ahead.

She walked in after the orderly and looked up at the impressive ceiling height. She felt dwarfed by the space, which was unusual for her. The orderly took her to the desk and had her sign in at the nurses' station. There was a long corridor with windows along the right side, and Rae could see into the garden. It was a lovely place, much nicer than the hospital in Stamford. She was led to the end of the hall and told to go out through the door and sit on a bench. Tix would be out shortly.

Rae walked to the first bench, which was in the shade. She started to sit down, but remembered that Tix was usually cold, so she thought better of it, and kept on until she found one that was in the sun. She perched on the edge of the bench, leaning forward expectantly. She was nervous. Though they were good friends, Tix could be unpredictable and had lashed out at her more than once.

Rae didn't know which way to look out for Tixy, the path curved back on itself and led to two different doors. She was looking over her left shoulder when she heard light footsteps crunching on the gravel. Turning her head, she saw Tix, small as ever, but thankfully no smaller, walking slowly towards her.

She wanted to leap up and crush her friend with a giant hug, but she made herself stay in her seat and let Tix come to her.

Tix stood in front of Rae, shoulders hunched, head pointed at her feet. She looked up through her fringe and whispered, "Hiya, Skinny."

Rae smiled and said, "Hey, Fatty." She motioned for Tix to join her on the bench, and Tix sat down. "It's bad to start with an apology, but I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."

The corners of Tix's mouth curled up in an approximation of a smile. "Tha's alrigh', Rae. I wouldn't be here, either, if I didn't have to be."

Rae held back a sigh and tried to think of what to say. "How've they been treatin' ya?"

Tix looked away. "Fine. It's not too different from Stamford; I jus' don't know anyone here."

"Have you had any other visitors?" Rae silently hoped that she had, that she wasn't the first person to come.

"Kester's come a few times. I have a therapist here, but I don't talk much to her. Danny … Danny came once, but I couldn't make myself come down to see him." She turned back to face Rae and changed the subject. "Tell me what you've been up to. Nothin' happens in here, but I bet you're havin' all kinds of fun."

Rae looked at her fingers. "Yeah, it's been an interestin' few weeks. Lots goin' on. School's back in session, and hasn't been too bad, surprisingly. I'm still … with Finn, like I told ya when you came out of the coma," Rae cleared her throat. "And the gang started a band."

This time Tix actually smiled at Rae. The tension that was palpable started to crack. "Wow, sounds like you have been busy! Are you in the band, too?"

"I'm the singer, actually. Well, one of them. Archie sings lead on some songs. We're really just practicin' for fun. I don't know if we'll ever actually perform."

"I bet you will. That's great news, Rae! I hope I can hear you sing someday." Tix hugged one knee to her chest. She was glad Rae hadn't asked her more about the hospital, and that she had avoided asking her why she'd done what she did. For the first time since the last time she'd talked to Rae before her collapse, she felt a spark of normalcy deep inside. She had a friend. "And Finn? How're things with him?"

"Also surprisingly great. It's … weird. I can't figure out what it is he likes about me, well, I mean, we like the same music. But, I'm tryin' to not freak out abou' it."

Tix reached out to touch Rae's hand. "Rae, you're so … bloody great. I'm not surprised at all that he likes you. Where is he today?"

Rae jerked her head in the direction of the front of the building. "Out front on his scooter. Told him to wait for me. Wanted to keep you to myself for awhile. Plus, I wasn't sure if you were up to meeting new people."

Tix pressed her lips against her knee thoughtfully, then said, "I'd like to meet him, if he wants to meet me, that is."

Rae looked up, shocked but pleased. "Really? That—that's great, Tix! Wait here, I'll go get him!" She went to get the orderly to sign Finn in and came right back.

It took a few minutes, but when Finn pushed through the door and started walking towards them, Tix nudged Rae with her elbow and said under her breath, "So, have you committed any sex crimes yet?"

Rae blushed and murmured, "One or two."

They were giggling by the time Finn got to where they were sitting.

"Oi, what ya laughin' at? I jus' got here!" Finn looked perplexed.

"Nothin', sorry. Inside joke." She gestured to her friend. "Finn, this is Tix."

He smiled gently at Tix and said, "Hiya. Nice to properly meet ya. I've heard a lot of good things abou' ya from Rae."

Tix smiled at her lap. "Nice to meet you, Finn. I've heard quite a bit about you, too."

Finn looked over at Rae, who was faintly blushing. He sometimes forgot that Rae had liked him for longer than he realized. It gave his heart an unexpected thrill to hear she really had been talking about him before that night on the street when he'd declared himself in writing.

Tix lowered her right foot down to the ground and now hugged her left knee to her chest. "Well, have a seat!" she implored. Finn looming over them made her nervous. He sat on the other side of the bench, with Tix in the middle. He looked at Rae and said, "Oh, our stuff is at the reception desk, by the way."

Rae nodded. She was glad to hear her backpack wasn't dangling off Finn's bike seat unattended.

Tix turned her head to Finn and said, "Rae started tellin' me 'bout this band you're in."

Finn lit up, "Oh, yeah! It's brilliant. Rae's the lead singer and she's fu—that is, she's amazin'."

Tix grinned at her friend. "I'm glad he came. I'm gettin' the truth from him; you're too modest for your own good."

Finn nodded, "She is an' all! I keep tellin' her, but she don't believe me."

Rae smiled, but looked down, shaking her head.

The three of them chatted easily for another half-hour. There were plenty of pauses in the conversation, but none of them felt awkward. Rae tried to keep things light, remembering how she hated having to talk about her "progress" when her mum would come to visit her. Finn followed suit, and by the end of their visit, Tix actually felt better.

She walked the couple back to reception to get their things, and then stood at the window to watch as they drove off on Finn's scooter, Rae waving over her shoulder as they pulled out. She had promised Tix it wouldn't be another month before she came to visit her again, but Tix was just happy she'd come today. All she could handle right now was one day at a time. She hoped Rae would be back, of course, but her time in hospital showed her that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't even control herself, let alone the world or anyone in it. She wasn't strong enough to really let go, but one of the first things she did at this place was to take off her shoes and her socks and dip her toes in the ornamental fountain out back. Just to show herself she could.

The last time the gang had gone to Rutland Waters, Rae hadn't come with them. Finn didn't know why, and at the time he didn't much care. Much being the important word in that statement, because he did care a little. She'd only been hanging around the gang for a few weeks, and he found her to be too complicated for his tastes. She didn't seem to care much for him, either, so he told himself to write her off. However, once the crowd had assembled that day, he found himself looking for her, and felt mildly disappointment when he remembered she wasn't there.

Chop had brought a blindfold and announced a game. "Right you lot. It's time for the main event! Ev'ryone get in a circle round me." The large group was comprised of their gang, a number of lads they often hung out with, and some girls from their class. Finn lit a cigarette and rolled his eyes at Chop's antics. Finn's general attitude towards kissing up to this point was that if two people wanted to kiss, they should just do it. He'd never had a problem snogging anyone he wanted, though, and was too pragmatic to be overly shy. So, he hung back and let the others get on with it.

After witnessing a couple of rounds of the "game," Finn decided to stretch his legs. He flicked his cigarette onto a pile of bricks and glanced around before he wandered off. He crossed the main road near where everyone had parked and headed into the woods. It was late July, and the trees were in full leaf, so it was really shaded, even in the early afternoon. He could hear the occasional car drone by behind him as he walked deeper into the woods, and even heard a the faint sound of what must have been particularly raucous laughter bubble up from the ever receding group at one point.

About a hundred yards from the road, Finn found himself in a small clearing, mostly shaded by trees. It was quiet. You couldn't hear the cars or any people here. Finn flopped himself on some moss under a tree at the edge of the clearing. His boots stretched out away from him, and he leaned against the trunk, looking up through the branches. He'd never been one to commune with nature, but thought this was a really nice spot. He started to pull his cigarettes out of his pocket, but thought better of it, and just clasped his hands across his chest and took a deep breath. He turned his head to the side and, weirdly, a vision of Rae's face flashed across his mind. He shook his head and settled back into the tree.

After a few minutes, he felt himself start to drift off, and thought he should probably get back to the group. For some reason, he didn't want them looking for him here.

When he got back, Archie raised an eyebrow his way, as if to say, "Where've YOU been?" He shrugged in response and went over to lean against a wall and lit another cigarette. As he leaned against the wall, taking a deep drag of tobacco into his lungs, a girl came around the other side, smiling shyly in his direction. He thought her name was Juliet or something, but couldn't quite remember. She approached him slowly, but intent was burning in her eyes. He looked over at her, and thought, Why not? He exhaled a stream of smoke as he leaned in to kiss her. She coughed a bit, but tried to maintain her composure, turning it into a giggle. That was enough to put him off, though, and he pulled himself out of the kiss, throwing her a cursory smile before going off to find his mates.

As they drove back, Chop ribbed him, "Saw you snoggin' that Julia Fisher, Finn. She's well hot! How was it?" Finn saw Izzy wince next to him, and just said, "Fine. She's not really … my type." As he casually tossed out the words to get Chop off his back, he realized they were true. But who was his type?

Finn found him replaying that day in his mind when Rae said they were going to Melton Mowbray on Saturday, because he knew that to get there, they had to drive right past the stretch of road where he'd found the clearing. His mind went to work on a plan, but he wanted it to be a surprise for Rae.

So, after they'd said goodbye to Tix and headed back, Rae was a little confused when Finn pulled off by some apparently uninhabited stretch of road twenty minutes later.

"Why've we stopped?" She looked around, confused, and said, "Where are we?"

Finn's eyes looked mischievous behind his helmet and he raised eyebrows in a distracting manner. He took off his helmet and said, "You'll see."

When Rae stepped off the scooter, Finn looked up and down the road. Seeing no cars, he pushed his bike through the weeds at the side of the road to the edge of the woods.

He looked back and saw the confused look on Rae's face. "So no one nicks my bike or worries that it's been abandoned." He beckoned her with his shoulder. "Come on, then!"

She smiled and followed him.

He opened the seat of his bike and pulled out a blanket and a bottle. It wasn't an elaborate plan. Then, he reached back to take her hand.

They walked silently through the shaded wood. There were still leaves on the trees, but if they'd waited another week or two to visit Tix, it wouldn't have been much of a spot for privacy. At least, not from any small aircraft.

At first, Finn wasn't sure he'd come to the right area. He'd gauged his entrance to the woods from his memory of where they'd parked the cars months before. He was getting ready to turn to Rae and say she should pick a spot when he saw the glow of a break in the trees. He gripped Rae's hand a little tighter and steered her towards the clearing.

She finally broke the silence and said, "This is beautiful, Finn. How'd ya find it?"

Finn just grinned and said, "You're the first person I've brought here, if that's what you're askin'." He spread the blanket out under the tree and patted the spot next to him.

Rae sat down next to him, a little shyly. She'd been hoping this would happen today, but didn't let herself dwell on it too much. Now that they were here, and it was happening, she felt timid.

He opened the bottle, which was some kind of cheap screwtop red wine he'd grabbed from his parents' cupboard, and handed it to Rae to have to the first drink. She took a swig and coughed. When she recovered, she chuckled and said, "Smooth!" Finn laughed and took a drink himself. He couldn't stop himself from pulling a face at the taste. "Ugh, you're right," he capped the bottle and leaned it against the tree.

"It's the thought that counts," Rae said, and leaned over to kiss him. He was pleased that she initiated, because there was a small part of his brain that had been bricking it since Wednesday, thinking What if she doesn't want to do it again?

Their embrace intensified, and their hands were in each other's hair, each of them shifting themselves forward to get as close as possible. Finn let go of the two fistfuls of her hair he had gathered and ran his hands down Rae's back, pulling her even closer to him. She gasped for air, but plunged straight back into the kiss.

She started to lay back on the blanket, pulling Finn next to her, but Finn stayed sitting up. He gazed down at her, smiling at the sight of her, hair wild, cheeks flushed, chest heaving. Just then, a breeze blew through the clearing, and they both shivered. Stripping off completely outdoors wasn't in the cards this late in the year. Rae started to sit up, but Finn put both hands on her shoulders, gently, but firmly. "No, stay there," he said in a low voice. He started to unbutton her jeans, and she said, "Wait, what are you—" He leaned down and silenced her with a kiss, deftly undoing her zip at the same time.

He eased her jeans and knickers over her thighs, and she winced. He felt her tense up, and said, "Don't worry, relax." She tried exhaling slowly and tried to unclench. He lightly traced a couple of her scars with his fingertips. Then, he worked her pants down to her knees and asked, "Are you okay? Do you need to shift down?"

She breathed deeply and said, in a high voice, "No, I'm fine." He went to move his head between her legs and she said, "What are you doin'? You don't have to do that."

He looked up at her, his hair falling in his eyes, "I want to," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Oh," was all she could manage to say before his tongue got to work. For the first few minutes, she was really worried. Maybe she tasted gross? But, if that were true, would he be down there for this long, his tongue plunging deeper and deep—oh GOD she thought. Coherent thoughts left her brain. She just focused on his tongue and how good it felt. Her hips were twitching back and forth of their own accord, she couldn't have stopped them if she tried. Finn's fingers dug into her hips. She had a vague feeling that she should be doing something for him, or to him, but soon it was washed away by wave after wave of sensation. She moaned through closed lips, but then remembered they were in the middle of the woods, and opened her mouth to crow out loud. She lifted her hips off the ground and Finn adjusted himself to support her. She shouted Finn's name once, and he sped up his tongue even more. The feeling was indescribable and Rae couldn't stop herself from laughing with joy.

Finn lifted his head to make sure she was okay. "Ev'rythin' alright?" he asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Rae opened her mouth to speak and another trill of laughter came out, before she gasped, "That—that was—I can't even—" She waved her hand to show that there were no words. Finn smiled as he crawled to lay next to her, propping himself up on his elbow to admire the color he'd put in her cheeks. "Glad you enjoyed it."

Rae shifted to look Finn in the eye. "Do you … want me … to …?" she gestured to Finn's fly. He shook his head. "Nah, I want the real thing this time. And I don't know if we have time to wait for a second show." He leaned over to kiss her, and she could taste herself on his lips. That's not so bad, she thought, relieved.

As they kissed, Rae's hands found their way under Finn's shirt and they roamed over the expanse of his back. Then she experimented by lightly scratching his back, which he seemed to like, his back arching. He guided his hands under her shirt and found that she'd worn a front-closure bra. He smiled into her mouth and unhooked it in one motion, taking a breast in each of his hands, his thumbs caressing her nipples. She moaned and moved her hands to undo his belt and take off his pants. She grasped him in her hand and he sighed. "Easy," he breathed.

"Sorry," she said instinctively.

"I was talkin' to myself," he replied, reaching into his back pocket for a condom.

"Oh!" He handed the packet to her and she unwrapped it, handing it back to him.

"No, you put it on," he breathed.

Rae moved back a bit to see what she was doing, making sure it was positioned right before she slowly rolled it down the length of his shaft. He bit his lip and muffled a moan. Then, they looked deep into each other's eyes as they joined. Finn's arms were pressing into the blanket on either side of Rae. She had wrapped her legs around him and her hips were moving in tandem with his thrusts. Finn leaned deeply into her with the next push and Rae's breathing became quick and shallow. "Rae!" he shouted. "I—" he started to speak, but couldn't form words. They moved against each other faster and faster, and Rae couldn't take everything in. Her senses were overwhelmed. Then Finn's body seemed to freeze, and his head went back. He said her name again and again, and Rae's body tingled from her core outward.

Finn withdrew and collapsed next to Rae. He smiled at her, and asked, "How was it?"

She nodded in earnest. "Brilliant," she panted. "Different from the first time, and even different from when you—" she gestured to her lady garden. "But they were all … brilliant!" She bit her lip. "And, how are y—"

"FUCKIN' BRILLIANT!" Finn shouted as loud as he could.

She jumped, startled, and then began to laugh. "AMAZING!" she yelled. They both laughed as they pulled their jeans back on and rearranged themselves.

"And now for the best part," Finn put his arms around her and she leaned into his chest. He kissed the top of her head and she draped her arm across his waist. They stayed like that for a few moments, before Rae lifted her head slightly to ask, "You don't really think this is the best part?"

Finn nodded. "Don' get me wrong. I fuckin' LOVE the other bit, but it happens pretty fast and ya don't have time to … what's the word I want?" He looked down at Rae, hoping she'd know what he meant. "Savor?" she offered. He knew she'd know what he wanted to say. "Yeah," he replied softly. "This is the part I … savor." He sighed. "But. Ya don't get this part without havin' sex, so I guess they're equally the best."

She sighed into his chest and squeezed her arms around his waist. "How the fuck did I get so lucky?" she wondered aloud.

"You were you," Finn said. "Just my type." Rae thought she was going to swoon herself into unconsciousness right then and there when another breeze blew through. Finn held her closer and said, "Let's just stay like this for awhile. Maybe till it starts to get dark." Rae nodded and whispered, "Okay."