He wakes up in a cold sweat.
It's Valentine's Day, one of his least favorite days of the year. There have been stupid red heart and fat baby cupids staring at him everywhere in the dorms this week, and he hates all the people that looks so happy just because they're going to get to spend some superficial made-up holiday with the one they love. He hasn't had a Valentine for a few years, not since that failed date with Lauren. But that's not what is bothering him; it's that damn dream. He's been having it for two weeks now.
They're lying on their backs on the 50-yard line back at McKinley, their bodies opposite each other with their heads close together. "I think that one looks like Santana's ass," Puck decides, pointing to a heart-shaped cumulus cloud passing slowly overhead. "That one kind of reminds me of Berry's mouth."
"Dude, not cool," Finn mutters under his breath, grinning despite himself. He turns on his side, head propped up on his fist, and looks at his best friend. "She's starting to move on, isn't she? They all are. Everyone really, everyone except you."
"It's not that easy, man," Puck manages. He wants to reach out and clasp his hand on Finn's shoulder, but he knows that his hand will just move through him like it did the last time. He had wished so hard to just get to talk to Finn one last time, and now, they've been meeting like this every night in his dreams. "If I start to move on then I'll start to forget, and I just can't do that to you, man."
Finn smiles that way that only Finn ever smiled at Puck. "C'mon, you're not gonna forget me just like that," he assures his best friend. "You're missing out on too much by staying stuck inside this. Like that cute redhead down the hall, Kelsey, she's totally into you. She keeps trying to drop hints but you're totally missing them. And you always said that I was the oblivious one…"
"You are," Puck shoots back, ignoring his friend's use of the past tense, "and I didn't miss out on Kelsey's not-so-subtle hints. I'm just not interested, man. I've got the screenplay and classes and visiting your mom. I'm trying to take care of everything, and I won't be able to do that if I lose focus."
"Hey, man, you know you don't have to be strong for everyone all the time, right?" Finn asks, but of course, Puck knows that he does. Finn's not here to balance him out, to give him a place to be weak. "I know I can't be there, that it's not the same, but I've still got you. I'm always gonna have your back, dude, even if you can't see it. I know you'll feel it."
"That sounds weird, Finnessa," Puck grimaces. It's still comforting though so he lets his friend know that. "I need to start going through your stuff, huh? I still won't let anyone move anything. I think the only things I've given away is your picture of Lucy to Quinn and that one photo album I sent to Rach. I know your mom should have some of this stuff. Maybe she'd help me, I'm sure she knows what Kurt would want."
Finn doesn't say anything as Puck turns over to look at his best friend. Puck tries to memorize the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, that throaty way he laughs when he starts to talk. He wants to remember them so he can talk about them with Rachel later. He's pretty sure she'll appreciate his nightly visits with Finn. Maybe he comes to see her too; maybe they could talk a little about them…about him.
"Just leave the coffee cup, though, okay? A little piece still needs to be here, right?"
"Dude, there are so many pieces of you scattered all over this world right now," Puck says. "They all carry you everywhere with them. You're with Mike in Chicago and Mercedes in LA. Brittany has you with her in Boston and you know that there is a huge chunk of you in New York with San and Kurt and Berry. You're all over this town."
Finn waits a second before offering up the rhetorical but necessary, "And?"
"And I've got you right here," Puck says, tapping his palm to his heart. It's a reminder to himse;f more than it is to Finn really. He's pretty sure that's why his mind started to manifest these dreams in the first place. It's more emotional, more honest, than anything he would have usually said, but Finn can't really be there to tease him about it. "I'm always going to have you right here."
"Exactly, bro, so stop worrying so much about forgetting me. I'll always be here to hang out when you need me. I promised you that when we were six years old, you really think I'm going to go back on my promise now?"
Puck can hear a ringing in the far off distance. He thinks it's some kind of heavenly bells calling Finn back for a minute and then he remembers that he's Jewish. Instead, it's his alarm and he has biology in a few hours. "Alright, man, I better get going. I'll see you soon, right?"
"Sure thing, dude," Finn says as they both stand up. They exchange some intricate handshake that ends in a fist bump before Puck reaches out and pulls him into a firm hug. His arms don't go through him this time; he can actually feel Finn's hands. He knows it's fleeting but he relishes the touch. It's warm and Puck would almost swear that it's the best thing he's ever felt (besides Santana's boobs freshman year because, oy).
"See you, bro," Puck says with a wave before he starts to walk off. He's just about reached the sideline when he Finn calls out to him.
"Tell Rachel I miss her too, okay?" Finn pleads. "I miss you both, all the time, so much."
Puck knows that he never replies when it gets to that part. He hasn't told Berry yet, but there's something about today that has him rolling over and reaching for the phone. He stares at the coffee cup still resting in the window sill as the call rings in his ear.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Noah!"
He chuckles at her false bravado. Anyone else would think she sounds cheerful, but he knows that it's just a weak front. "Happy Valentine's Day, Faker," he replies into the phone. "What are you doing?"
"Waiting for Blaine at the train station actually, he came in to surprise Kurt now that they're officially engaged," she answers. "San is off with Dani, I'm the only one alone. It actually kind of, to steal a word from your vocabulary, sucks."
"Heh, yeah," he says as he stretches out. He tucks the phone beneath his chin as he reaches for the coffee cup. He moves it from one hand to the other. "I had this dream."
"About Finn?" she asks, her voice so small. "Yeah, me too, three days ago and then again last night. He misses you, you know."
"He misses you too."
"I hate all these happy people, Noah," she declares. "They walk around like today is just the greatest thing that ever happened and that we're all so lucky to be in love. I don't want to be in love anymore; it hurts way too much. I thought I knew pain before but I didn't, did I? It never hurt like this."
Something rumbles low in his stomach. It's a different kind of love but the pain is just as deep. "We should start some bitter Lonely Hearts Club or something," he tells her. "But they wouldn't be sad, would they, Berry? Not like us?"
He can see her there, standing in the bustle of New York, looking so young and alone. "No, Noah, they couldn't be sad enough to be like you and me. They can't be; they're not like us."