The secretary calls Charlie's name and informs us that Dr. Sharp is ready for him. Charlie stands up slowly and shoots me a nervous glance. I offer him a weak smile, before following him into the office.
Dr. Sharp is sitting behind a large oak desk. His half-eye glasses are perched precariously on the end of his bulbous nose, and his balding pate shines in the fluorescent lighting. He studies the contents of the manila folder spread out in front of him, not looking up until the soft click of the door closing behind us apparently breaks his concentration.
"Charlie." He smiles warmly, getting to his feet. He leans over his desk holding his hand out to Charlie.
Charlie strides across the room and accepts the doctors hand shake. "Dr. Sharp," he mutters gruffly, before turning to me. "This is my daughter Bella."
Dr. Sharp walks around the desk towards me holding his hand out. "It's nice to meet you, Bella."
I nod. "You too," I say, even though it's not, given the circumstances.
Ever since lunch, when I waved Leah and Jacob off as they pedalled towards the forest, my mind has been reeling with the possibilities of what the doctor might tell us today.
There are two wooden-backed chairs positioned in front of the desk, and Dr. Sharp gestures to them as he invites us to sit down. He makes his way back to his own chair and, without another word, goes back to reading the notes in front of him.
"So, the last time we spoke we discussed that the Everolimus and Temozolomide weren't reducing your symptoms," he says eventually, looking up at Charlie over his glasses. "The test results have confirmed that, so you can stop taking the Everolimus now."
At first, his words confuse me, but then I remember Charlie telling me that a month ago he'd agreed to try radiation treatment. I assume this is what Dr. Sharp is referring to. Charlie had explained to me that it had been an attempt to slow down the progression of his disease, but since it hadn't worked – and had made him feel lousy – he'd refused to try anything else.
"I believe Dr. Cullen was called out to see you again last week?" Dr. Sharp mentions as he scans the documents in front of him again.
I tense a little at the mention of Carlisle. I hope I can avoid the Cullens until I at least find out a little bit more about Edward's life now. I need to prepare Jacob as much as possible before he meets any of them, and even though he's not with me today, the possibility of running into one of them unexpectedly has not escaped my mind.
Charlie nods in reply to Dr. Sharp's statement.
"My dad was in a lot of pain," I explain, realising that Charlie is not going to elaborate. "Dr. Cullen said we should contact you if it happens in future, rather than calling him."
Charlie stiffens when I reveal this to the doctor. He turns to me, his face stern and his eyes hard with annoyance. Unperturbed by his obvious irritation, I continue.
"He had to give him some morphine." I swallow at the painful memory of Charlie writhing in pain that night. "I understand it wasn't the first time."
Dr. Sharp nods and smiles gratefully at me before addressing Charlie. "These attacks seem to be occurring more frequently," he points out gravely. "And it's not a good idea to keep administering oral opioids in the long term. They lower your immune system and can cause other complications."
"What else can you do?" I interject, sneaking a hesitant glance at Charlie.
Dr. Sharp looks at me sympathetically, but again he directs his response to Charlie who is sitting mute beside me.
"Well, for starters, I can see that you are jaundiced. We'll take some labs today and I've scheduled an abdominal ultrasound for later this afternoon," he says. "I suspect that you have a blockage on your liver. If that is the case then I'd like to insert a stent which will help with that."
This information rouses Charlie and he clears his throat before speaking. "Will that involve staying in the hospital overnight?"
Dr. Sharp shakes his head. "No. We do it endoscopically. You would be anesthetised but patients are normally able to go home after a few hours observation."
"Will it help with the pain?" I ask.
"No," Dr. Sharp answers. "For that, I think we should consider a Celiac Plexus block. But again, I'll know more once the ultrasound has been done."
Charlie and I listen while the doctor explains the Celiac Plexus block. It is a procedure where alcohol and local anaesthetic, among other drugs, are administered via injection into the nerves in the abdominal muscle to block the nerve endings – thus alleviating the pain. He explains there are various ways this can be done and he would decide on the most suitable one after the ultrasound. He also warns that it is not always successful.
Charlie looks dubious and his face pales as he listens. He seems relieved when Dr. Sharp confirms that this, like the liver stent procedure, will also only require a few hours hospital stay to allow the sedation to wear off.
"How are you feeling in general?" Dr. Sharp asks after explaining the procedures to Charlie. "Are you still coping with your work schedule?"
Charlie glances at me briefly. "I've reduced my hours," he informs him reluctantly. "I'll be working shorter shifts."
This is news to me. I am partly relieved that Charlie is finally realizing his limitations. I know his job means so much to him, but he has to know it is only making him weaker and taking what time he has left to spend with Jacob and me. I still feel sad that he has had to make this choice, as I listen to him explain that he has handed over his main responsibilities to his colleague, Sam Uley, allowing him to take more time off when he needs it.
"That's good." Dr. Sharp smiles approvingly. "I think we could probably book you in for the stent at the end of next week, if need be."
Charlie raises his eyebrows in surprise.
I hold off on the questions I'd planned to ask after Dr. Sharp insists that he can be clearer on the next course of action after the ultrasound results are in.
Charlie and I spend the next hour drinking terrible coffee in the hospital cafeteria. He sits on the edge of his chair with his shoulders hunched and head dipped, nursing the Styrofoam coffee cup between his hands while staring morosely into its contents.
"What are you thinking?" I venture, when Charlie seems to be closing in on himself.
He forces an unconvincing smile. "I'm glad that I don't need to stay in the hospital for this stent thing."
"You shouldn't worry about hospital stays, if it makes this easier for you then it's a good thing."
His shrug is non-committal. "I suppose." He sets his coffee cup down and rubs his fingers over his moustache. "It all seems to be happening so fast." He sighs. "I mean, arranging the ultrasound this afternoon and this stent thing next week. I didn't know they could move so fast."
"Well, it's a good thing they can," I insist, trying to reassure him. "You don't want to be hanging around in pain, waiting for them to get their act together."
The conversation stalls and we sit in silence for a while, lost in our own thoughts, before Charlie strikes up a new one.
"So, Jacob seems to like Leah."
"Yeah!" I grin, nodding. "She certainly has a way with him. I'm glad; he has a lot on his plate right now and I know he was really worried about coming here."
He shifts a little, turning to face me fully. He regards me for a long moment with dark, inscrutable eyes before his hand slides over mine. His skin is still warmer than normal from nursing the coffee cup and I turn my palm up to hold his hand. He emits a long, drawn-out sigh before speaking.
"Bella, I really appreciate you being here, but I'm not sure you're doing the right thing bringing Jacob here." His eyes search mine. "I want nothing more than to spend time with you both. God knows, I wish I'd made more of an effort to come to Florida and get to know him, but I worry you're setting that poor boy up for nothing but heartache."
Tears prick my eyes. "I've given this a lot of thought, Dad, and part of me agrees with you. But there's another part of me that knows, even though it won't be easy, one day we'll treasure this time with you. Both of us will." I brush away the rogue tear that slides down my face. "I don't want him to miss out on really knowing you. I already regret the time I've wasted and if this is how it has to be then I'll get him through it."
Charlie's eyes are misty, and his lips clamp together as he listens. Eventually, he nods. "I know you will." He brushes the last remnants of wetness from my cheek. "You're strong enough to get you and that little boy of yours through all of this. Just have faith in yourself."
I know his thoughts have turned to the Cullens.
"Alice came to see me the day you were sick."
His expression is more resigned than surprised.
"She told me that Edward and Irina's baby died."
He looks ashamed. "I wanted to tell you. I should have told you, but you were just settling in with your mother and I thought I'd give you time to adjust. Then you had the baby and when I came down to see you, you were trying so hard to be positive, I couldn't do it."
I recall his visit. He was like the proverbial fish out of water. It was very uncomfortable on so many levels and now he is adding an extra layer to it. I thought he was having a hard time dealing with Renee and Phil. It was painfully obvious that he found it difficult to wrap his head around the idea that his little girl was a mother – but at no point during the visit did I suspect that he was concealing anything from me.
His hand tightens on mine. "I'm so proud of you, Bella. You've raised a good boy." He sighs and his expression turns fierce." And I won't let those Cullens take anything away from you."
His vehemence surprises me. "Do you think they'll try to take Jacob?"
Though this possibility has occurred to me, I've clung to the Edward in my memories. He was kind, compassionate, loving and fiercely loyal. He couldn't help who he fell in love with, and deep down I never doubted his love. He fought so hard in the beginning. I remember how angry he used to get with himself, and the lengths he went to in a bid to avoid me. In the end, we were both weak and succumbed to our feelings, even though we both knew how selfish and wrong it was.
We hated the deceit and sneaking around. Even though he knew it would hurt Irina, Edward decided he owed it to her to be honest and decided to tell her everything. It seemed there was no way of fighting the fact that we wanted to be together, even if it would cause a lot of heartache for Irina.
It only took a moment of carelessness to change everything. I couldn't have known that Jessica Stanley would be waiting that night to confront me, yet again, about my friendship with Mike.
It wasn't unusual for Edward to drive me home when I'd visited Alice. Charlie didn't like me driving the truck alone at night, since it was so unreliable. Alice often accompanied us. So on nights when Edward and I met in secret, we thought it wouldn't look suspicious if he drove me home.
That night, still high on the rush from making love, I'd stupidly kissed Edward when he pulled up outside the house. He briefly reciprocated but then, mindful of our surroundings, he disentangled himself from my arms and sent me home.
Unbeknownst to us, Jessica had witnessed our embrace. I arrived at school the following day to find myself the subject of the latest hot gossip sweeping the school.
Everything escalated quickly.
As soon as the teachers caught wind of the rumors, Edward was reported to the medical board and an investigation was set up. Overnight, everything changed.
Edward and his family ceased all contact with me. Being abandoned like that, and left to deal with the rumors and gossip alone, was the most devastating thing to me. I can still feel the remnants of the pain it caused me whenever I think of it today. Even though I felt hurt and rejected, I tried to see it from his side. I figured he was trying hard to lessen the sense of betrayal Irina would no doubt be feeling. But he ignored my texts and never answered my calls. He'd simply cut me off completely.
Alice had also gone to great lengths to avoid me, but being at the same school, it wasn't easy. Every time I ran into her I could see the torment in her eyes. She had to stand by her brother and I understood that, but it didn't mean it hurt any less.
My magnanimity quickly ran out though, the day I heard Irina was pregnant. To this day, I can still feel that awful crushing pain. We'd never fully talked about that side of his marriage and, naively, I suppose, I had just assumed that since he loved me he wouldn't be sleeping with her anymore. The thought of him touching her the way he touched me ripped my heart out.
I knew then he wasn't ever coming back to me. It was over.
It was Lauren Mallory who'd taken great delight in telling me. She worked in the medical centre a couple of afternoons a week after school. She'd overheard the receptionists discussing it and couldn't wait to come to school the next day to announce it. She'd sauntered into the bio lab that day with a smirk and a devilish glint in her eye, and uttered the words that brought everything crashing down around me: 'I hear your boyfriend's wife is pregnant.'
I'd sat there fighting to keep my expression neutral, while silence descended and all eyes turned to me. The weight of their scrutiny was excruciating and, unable to stand it, I'd bolted from the room and thrown up in the toilet.
The news couldn't have come at a worse time: the day before my interview with the investigator. I'd cried myself to sleep that night, torturing myself that everything between Edward and I had been a lie and I woke up more hurt and angry than I'd ever felt before.
My bitterness and resentment boiled over during the interview and I'd confessed everything. Effectively, putting the final nail in Edward's coffin. A closed hearing took place that was the talk of the town. Everywhere I went, I was met with disapproving glares and disdainful whispers. The Cullens were seen as a good respectable family whose son had been wronged, while I was the slut who'd wrecked his career and very nearly, his marriage too.
Despite the outcome of Edward's trial never having been made public, the general consensus seemed to be that everything was my fault. When Edward and Irina left town, the focus on my part in it all was redoubled. Charlie supported me through it, and there were times he'd been so angry I was glad we didn't know where Edward had gone, because if we did, Charlie might very well have gone after him.
When I found out I was pregnant with Jacob, I truly thought it would be best for everyone if I left town too. Imagining Edward happy with his wife and child, helped to keep my guilt at bay and living so far away made it a little easier to live with my decision.
When Charlie clears his throat it snaps me out of my reverie. He glances at his watch, ruefully reminding me that it is time for his ultrasound. Though I would've liked to talk more, it's clear Charlie looks relieved as he stands up. However, his relief is short-lived, as his tension starts to return while we make our way to the x-ray department.
Thankfully, Charlie is taken right away. I browse the well-thumbed magazines in the waiting area while I wait. I reach out to grab another magazine and notice the couple sitting opposite me.
I watch as the man rubs his hand lovingly over the woman's swollen abdomen and she gently slaps his hand away.
"Don't," she complains. "I'm dying to pee. I hope they won't keep me waiting much longer."
The man smiles at her, as he brushes her blonde hair back with his fingers and kisses her temple lightly. "I know they told you to drink plenty of water, but you drank enough to sink the Titanic."
She swats at him playfully, and then her eye catches mine. I look away, embarrassed at being caught watching them.
I feel the way I did during my first ultrasound when I was pregnant with Jacob: envious. That day, too, there were happy couples in the waiting area I averted my eyes from just as I was doing now. Loneliness is something I quickly learned to endure.
After Charlie's ultrasound we have to wait another hour before Dr. Sharp is able to see him again. We talk about Jacob and Charlie rues the fact that he has been feeling so tired and hasn't had much of a chance to spend time with him. He suggests arranging a fishing trip for the three of us in a couple of days time, and I tell him Jacob will love that.
As expected, Dr. Sharp confirms that Charlie does appear to have a blockage and that his liver is slightly enlarged. The stent procedure is booked for next Friday. Charlie looks like he's carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders as we leave the hospital.
When we get home, I wave away Charlie's apologies for being tired and insist I don't mind when he heads upstairs to rest. I decide to start making dinner.
I hear voices outside when I'm setting the table and look out the window to see Jacob pushing a bike up the path while chattering animatedly to Leah. Seth follows close behind. It's one of Fork's rare sunny days, and though the sunlight is a little weak, it picks up the red tones in Jacob's hair – another reminder of his father. The peace is shattered once they come into the house and Jacob rattles on excitedly about his day.
Leah and Seth refuse my offer to stay for dinner, and since Charlie stays in his room, Jacob and I eat alone. I listen with a smile as he goes over every detail of his day again. He wolfs down his dinner, and several times I have to gently chastise him for talking with his mouth full.
"Why don't we call Nana and you can tell her all about it?" I suggest after he finishes his meal.
His face lights up and he rushes to the phone. I wash the dishes and let him make the call. It's such a relief to hear him tell her that he had a good day and that he thinks he might like Forks after all. It takes no small effort on my part to finally get him off the phone so I can speak to Renee, too.
I only speak to her briefly, because I want to talk to Jacob about my plans, so I tell her that I'll call her after Jacob goes to bed. I sit down at the table with Jacob, who sits with his legs bouncing and his cheeks still glowing with excitement.
"I'm glad you had a good day today." I begin with a smile. "Maybe next time I'll come with you and you can show me all the things you saw today."
"We could do it tomorrow," he agrees eagerly.
I shake my head. "That's what I want to talk to you about. You'll be starting school here next week and I thought it would be a good idea if you met a couple of people who go to your school before then." His smile falters and his leg bounces faster. "An old friend of mine, Mike, has two daughters who go there. I was thinking of asking them if they'd like to meet us tomorrow so you can get to know them. What do you think?"
His excitement fades, and his smile turns into a frown. "Don't you know anyone who has boys?"
I shake my head. "I'm sure Mike's daughters are very nice and they're only a little bit younger than you are."
"I don't want to hang out with girls." He looks down at the table. His impossibly long lashes, so like Edward's, form a dark crescent against his smooth cheeks, and I almost expect Jacob's eyes to be light green when he looks back up at me.
I force a smile. "You enjoyed spending time with Leah, right?"
"That's different," he argues. "Leah's not a regular girl." His eyes flick up to mine. "I mean, she's awesome and she likes doing exciting stuff."
"Maybe Mike's daughters will be like that, too," I reason. "Give it a chance, Jacob. Let me call Mike and see if I can arrange it for tomorrow. You never know…it might be fun."
He looks sceptical and mutters something about them being young, but finally relents. I tell him to take a bath while I make the call. I look up Mike's number in the book.
"Hello?" Mike answers on the third ring.
"Mike, Hi... It's Bella," I say, with far more levity than I'm feeling.
"Bella!" he exclaims. "It's good to hear from you, I didn't think you'd call. Are you back in town?"
"Yeah," I say. "I just got back yesterday."
"Good, we should get together."
I relax a little. "Yeah, that's why I called. I...um... I actually need a favor."
"Oh," he says a little flatly.
"It's nothing major," I insist quickly. "I, well... I brought my son with me and he'll be starting at Forks Elementary next week. That's the school your kids go to, right?"
My words come out in a rush and are met with a short silence. I bite my lip while I wait for him to speak.
"Um... yeah, so what age is your boy?"
"He's in fourth grade." I answer, deliberately evading the obvious. I'd rather talk about that face to face.
"Right," he says slowly. "Amy is in the third and Louise the first, so..." His voice trails off and I suspect he's mentally calculating Jacob's age.
"So I was thinking, maybe we could get together with the kids. It would be nice for Jacob to at least recognize a couple of friendly faces when he starts school."
"Sure," Mike agrees readily, and I sigh with relief. "When did you have in mind?"
"Tomorrow?" I venture, biting my lip again.
He seems to ponder this for a moment as the line goes quiet again.
"Okay, um, the girls have dance class in the morning, but we could take them to Port Angeles for lunch and maybe on to Adventureland afterwards?"
"That sounds great, Mike," I say. "I really appreciate this."
"Okay, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." He chuckles.
"Yeah, and I'll talk to you then," I state lightly, knowing that he must have some questions for me.
"I'm glad you called," he says simply.
"Me too," I agree.
I hang up. I don't think I ever told Mike that I appreciated his friendship. Jessica always told him I was using him, and she was right, but I always appreciated him. I always loved that I could rely on him and here I am doing it all over again. Only this time, I hope I can be a good friend to him in return.
The sound of Jacob's footsteps padding from the bathroom to the bedroom draws my attention back to the present. I give him enough time to put his pyjamas on, and then head upstairs to say goodnight.
When I pop my head around the door, I see him sitting upright in bed but his eyes are closed. His head is leaning back against the headboard and his arms are folded across his chest. He cracks an eye open when he hears me and I can see how tired he is.
"I'm glad you had a good time today." I smile, sitting down beside him. "You look tired."
He nods.
"I called Mike," I inform him. "We're going to Port Angeles. It's not far from here. We'll have lunch and there's a really cool adventure playground that we can go to."
He nods, but his lips stay firmly set in a grim line and his eyes are hooded.
"What's on your mind?" I ask gently, rubbing his leg over the covers.
"Did you call my dad yet?"
My heart lurches a little in my chest. I watch as the one hand I can see forms a little fist. He tilts his chin up a little as if trying to feign nonchalance.
"Not yet, sweetie," I say, loosening his arms and taking his hand in mine. "After we get back from Port Angeles tomorrow, I'll find out his number and make the call. Okay?"
He stifles a yawn and fights to stay alert. "You promise?"
I nod. "Let's just have a good day with Mike and his girls tomorrow, okay?" I whisper. "When we get back I'll make the call and then we can talk about him. It's a long story and you're really too tired right now."
He nods glumly and shimmies down in the bed, finally resting his head on his pillow. I kiss his forehead, and then leave him to sleep. I hope Mike can fill in some of the blanks about Edward for me, so that when I have a proper talk with Jacob I can give him a clearer picture of what his father is like now.
0o0
I pull into the parking lot twenty minutes later than I arranged to meet Mike. Thankfully, I find a space quickly and Jacob and I hurry towards the mall entrance.
As we exit the elevator, we find the mall is packed with people scurrying around with shopping bags. I grab Jacob's hand and lead him through the crowd. When we reach the area which houses the various restaurants I spot Mike up ahead. He is glancing at his watch.
"Mike!" I call, waving my arm in the air.
He looks up and smiles broadly when he spots me.
"Sorry we're late." I puff as we reach him. "I guess I underestimated the traffic."
"That's okay," he says. "You're here now."
He looks down at Jacob. His eyes widen as the smile falls from his face. He looks up at me in shock and bewilderment. Before he has a chance to say anything I put my hand on Jacob's shoulder and pull him forward a little.
"This is Jacob." I smile, looking down at him. "Jacob, this is Mike and his two daughters."
Still looking a little dazed, Mike introduces his girls to Jacob and me and a very awkward round of "hellos" ensues. Amy and Louise are as stiffly polite as Jacob and they stand rigidly beside Mike while Jacob does likewise beside me. Amy is the older girl and at least makes the effort to smile at Jacob. He smiles back shyly, and then his eyes flick back to me. I smile encouragingly as he rolls his eyes.
The restaurant is one of those family places. It has a play area in the back for the children, the tables are all numbered, and you have to go to the counter to order your food. We have to wait at a podium to be shown to our table. A far-too-cheerful young girl greets us and hands us our menus before taking off and weaving through the tables, leaving us to trail in her wake.
When we reach the table, Mike is still distracted and his eyes keep turning back to Jacob. I have to nudge him when his youngest daughter asks where she should sit and he doesn't appear to hear her. He momentarily pulls himself together enough to organise the seating arrangements, but then as soon as the kids begin to study their menus his eyes are straight back on Jacob again.
I knew he'd be surprised – shocked even – but I fear if this keeps up I'll have to kick him under the table.
Jacob is sitting beside me, while Amy and Louise flank Mike opposite us. Jacob glances at the menu, sees that they have macaroni and cheese and chooses that. He has macaroni everywhere we go.
"Can I have macaroni too?" Louise asks shyly, her eyes darting towards Jacob.
Mike drags his attention away from Jacob and blinks at his daughter. "What? Um...yeah, macaroni...sure.."
"You had the macaroni the last time we were here," Amy grouses. "You refused to eat it because you said it was too greasy, remember?"
Louise's cheeks turn scarlet and she shakes her head causing her soft blond curls to bounce around her shoulders. "That was at Benny G's," she argues.
"You had the spaghetti in Benny G's." Amy insists. "I remember you complained that there was a hair in it and you didn't eat that either. You definitely had the macaroni here."
"Nu-huh!" Louise retorts. "I want the macaroni and cheese!"
"Girls!" Mike hisses. "You're being rude, stop arguing. Amy, what have you decided on?"
"I'll have the chicken fingers," she says sullenly, dropping the menu in front of her.
"I want the macaroni and cheese," Louise insists.
Mike rolls his eyes and asks me what I want, and then heads to the counter to put in the order. I ask the girls about their dance classes while he is gone. They seem a little shy, but they are polite in their responses. Mike comes back and suggests to the kids that they should go play in the play area till the food arrives. They readily agree before scampering off. Mike pauses for a beat to let them get out of earshot.
"Jesus Christ, Bella!" he exclaims, turning back to me. "You had Cullen's kid?"
"That obvious, huh," I say, trying to make light of it.
"I'll say; it looks like you fucking cloned him! He's the spitting image of Cullen." He cranes his neck a little to look at Jacob again. "So that's why you took off in such a hurry?"
"I couldn't hang around here, could I?" I point out, trying to ignore the curious glares from the people at the nearest tables.
"And you never told him?"
I shake my head, a movement which he mirrors, and then I watch as he drags his hands down his face before sighing. He looks stricken but there is something else in his eyes too, something that looks an awful lot like disappointment.
"Fuck, Bella, I can't believe you'd do that. I mean, I'm no fan of Cullen's –you know that – but that's his son. It's pretty fucked up that you didn't tell him."
"What was I supposed to do?" I hiss, leaning closer to him and lowering my voice. "Was I supposed to just turn up on his doorstep and announce that I was pregnant, too?"
He stares at me incredulously. "Well, yeah!"
I look over towards the play area and see Jacob and the girls climbing the foam covered frame next to the ball pit. Deciding it's safe to talk a little bit more, I turn back to Mike who is still staring at me ashen faced.
"Look, Mike, I figured Edward was trying to save his marriage. It was Irina he'd made the commitment to, not me. I didn't want to ruin it for him and I didn't want my baby to play second fiddle to their children, always being stuck on the outside looking in, and feeling inferior from the start." I inhale a steadying breath. "I wanted more for Jacob."
"But they still had a right to know one another," he says quietly, digesting my words. He glances at the children playing and closes his eyes for a moment, before rubbing his hands over his short hair. He opens his eyes and looks at me sadly. "I can't imagine what it would be like to be deprived of loving my girls."
Tears prick my eyes and he leans forward, grabbing both my hands in his. "I'm sorry, Bella, I'm not trying to hurt you. I'm just... I can sort of see why you did this, but I'm just having a hard time getting my head around it."
I slide my hands out from between his and scoop up my bag. I root around inside until I find a tissue and dab at my eyes, willing myself to calm down.
"I know I made a mistake, Mike, but I genuinely thought that I was giving us all the chance to be happy. I thought Edward had his family, and Jacob and I could be our own little family."
Even to my own ears my explanation seems weak and unconvincing. Renee tried time and again in that first year to convince me to contact Edward; she even threatened to do it herself several times. She only relented because I convinced her that Jacob would never fully be a member of Edward's family, and that it would be harder for him in the long run. I was wrong.
"I couldn't bear to stay here, Mike. I was sick of being looked down on and judged," He opens his mouth to speak, but I raise my hand to stop him. "I know I brought a lot of it on myself, that doesn't mean to say it didn't hurt and I didn't want to drag another little person into the storm with me."
"It would've blown over, eventually. You know what Forks is like; someone else would've wandered into the firing line eventually."
"Eventually," I repeat, giving him a pointed look. "How long was I supposed to wait? I didn't want Jacob carrying that kind of stigma around with him."
"What about now?" Mike challenges. "The gossip will start up again as soon as this gets out, and as sure as night follows day, some smart-mouthed kid is gonna say something when he starts school."
My mouth is suddenly dry and I feel a little light-headed as the blood races through my veins. "I never thought..."
Again he takes my hand and looks directly into my eyes. "Bella, I don't think you thought this through at all. I mean, you must be fucking crazy if you think you can come back here without stirring up a shit-storm. Jesus, as soon as anyone sets eyes on that boy, they're gonna know who his daddy is." He squeezes my hand and his eyes soften slightly. "Cullen's a pretty prominent figure these days, and I don't think he's going to relish having his reputation dragged through the mud all over again."
My hands are sweating now. "Prominent figure?" I manage to squeak out.
"Yeah, that company he started with his brother really took off. He's branched out into other areas." His brows knit together in concentration. "He owns a bunch of different companies that all come under the umbrella of Cullen Equity Partners. They're always throwing charity galas and benefits." He looks at me again. "Jesus, you could Google him, it's all there."
I've never considered looking Edward up. I just wanted to believe so much that everything turned out alright for him – that he was somewhere happy – that I closed myself off from even thinking about him.
The waitress startles me when she puts a plate of macaroni down on the table beside me. Mike suggests I go to the bathroom to compose myself while he calls the kids. In no state to argue, I do as he suggests and hurry to the bathroom.
My hands are shaking so badly I barely manage to lock the stall door, before closing the seat lid and sitting down, dropping my head in my hands. My mind is whirling, overwhelmed by the realization of just how messed up this whole situation is. Being so caught up in Charlie's illness for the past few days, I haven't even considered how ugly things might get. Of course, I managed to delude myself into believing I knew what I was doing, but doubt is in the forefront of my mind now.
I thought I could handle everything. I thought I could protect Jacob from anything, but I hadn't factored in the times when I won't be with him; like when he is at school. My fists clench of their own volition and I press them into my eyes to stop the tears from coming.
Aware that Jacob is alone with relative strangers, I take some calming breaths. My knees bounce a little as I blow my nose and dab beneath my eyes with a tissue. I come out of the stall and check my reflection in the mirror. Aside from looking a little flushed and watery-eyed, I don't look too bad. I have no choice but to go back out there.
I come back to the table and Jacob's brow creases as he frowns at me. "You okay, Mom?" he asks with concern.
"Yeah!" I smile, patting my stomach. "I just had a bit of a sore tummy, but I'm fine now."
He looks at my stomach, shrugs, and goes back to his food.
Neither Mike nor I touch our food, and after the kids have finished theirs – Louise barely touches the macaroni and cheese, much to Amy's triumph – Mike tells his girls to go wash up in the bathroom and I instruct Jacob to do likewise.
"Listen," Mike says, as soon as they leave the table. "I really think you have to tell Cullen as soon as possible. It'll only make things worse if someone else finds out before him and he hears it second hand."
"I was intending to call Alice tonight," I admit. "But I wanted to find out some things about him first so I could talk to Jacob about him."
"What things?" Mike asks, glancing at the bathroom door.
I follow his line of sight and am grateful to find both doors still closed.
Knowing time is of the essence, I cut straight to the chase. "Is he married?" I ask.
Mike's eyes narrow a little. "Does it matter?"
"Yes, I want to tell Jacob as much as I can about his father and if he has a wife and other children, Jacob needs to know."
Mike nods and my heart skips a beat, but then he shakes his head. "I don't think he ever remarried, or had kids. I've certainly never seen any pictures or references to any in the articles I've read. Like I said, you could probably find out everything except his address and phone number on Google," he says dismissively.
He sounds a little bitter now, and I touch his hand lightly with my fingers. He looks up, surprised.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth back then. Or when I came back last week. You've always been a good friend to me, Mike, and I'll understand if you don't want to get involved with me now."
His eyes widen in alarm.
"Shit, no!" I hiss. "That's not what I meant, I mean as friends. That's all I want, I'm not..."
His cheeks redden a little and, perversely, it reminds me of when I used to tease him when we were younger. The tension seems to drain out of him and his expression softens.
"You had me worried there." He smirks, but it fades quickly and his expression becomes serious again. "Look, you're gonna need all the friends you can get, Bella. I know you might not think so from what I said, but I'm here for you." He pats my hand. "As a friend."
"Thanks, Mike," I whisper.
He has given me plenty of food for thought, which I push to the back of my mind as the kids come back to the table. I regret telling Jacob about Adventureland as he tells me he can't wait to get there. All I want to do is get him home and figure out how I'm going to make some sort of sense of this mess.
Regret washes over me when I consider how many mistakes I've made, and how every decision I make now further compounds it. I wish I hadn't run away from my problems all those years ago; I wish I hadn't kept my secret. God, maybe I wish I hadn't come back at all, but the ball is rolling now and I have to be strong enough to deal with whatever it brings.
We head for the exit when Mike suddenly realises that Louise has left her jacket on her chair. I tell him I'll meet him outside. Feeling like I could use some fresh air, I rue the fact that the restaurant is within the confines of the mall.
I step through the door into the thronging mall. People are hurrying in all directions, and in my preoccupation I walk straight into someone and my bag goes flying. I watch, helpless, as the contents spill out onto the shiny tile floor. I get down on my knees and hastily start scooping everything up, aware that at any given moment my fingers could be crushed by the stomping feet surrounding me.
"Shit!" I hiss as a lipstick I don't even wear rolls away from me and I stretch to catch it.
People seem oblivious and barely move out of my way as I crawl across the floor, chasing random objects.
"Mom," Jacob says, tapping my back as I scan the floor to see if there is anything I've missed.
"Give me a second, sweetie," I reply, irritated by the people kicking my things away from my fingers.
I grab my hairbrush just before it is crushed by a man's huge boot. I glower up at him but he doesn't even notice me as he strides past.
"Mom!" Jacob hisses a little louder.
"I'm almost done, Jacob," I snap.
He tugs at my collar and I look up to see him looking over to my left. "Mom, why is that woman staring at me like that?"
"What woman?" I ask in confusion as I give the floor one last glance before getting to my feet.
"Her," he says, pointing.
I follow his gaze and my blood turns to ice.
Alice is standing not three feet away from us. Her wide, bewildered eyes are focused on Jacob.
Panic grips me. My heart soars into my throat when I see her mouth open in a shocked "O," and the recognition evident in her eyes.
Uh-oh
Thank you for reading
Kat