"You're in love with me," Gaara said. It was a possibility he hadn't considered, too unsettled by the idea of that word at all to question how Lee had meant it, even though the signs had been there. But the very idea of someone feeling that way about him- it was laughable. He stared at Lee, waiting for a response.
Lee's breath caught in his throat, and his pulse fluttered. Panic tightened his chest. But he couldn't deny it. "Yes," he whispered. "I am."
Gaara simply stared at him, looking for any sign of deception in Lee's too-honest features. His own expressionless face gave away little. Lee was in love with him. As much as he could think the words, they didn't seem to really register as something happening to him. He felt disconnected from the entire experience, as if he were watching someone else. His head was buzzing in an odd, disconcerting way, and his vision wouldn't quite focus. Lee's simple affirmative kept repeating in his mind, along with those earlier words- I love you.
"You can't," he whispered. He trembled, unaware that the words had slipped past his lips. His chest felt suddenly, painfully tight. Pale fingers fisted in the dark red fabric, nails scoring the skin beneath, and his breath sped. "You can't."
Lee blinked in surprise. "But I do." This wasn't the reaction he'd expected-not that he'd really known what to expect. Gaara's eyes had glazed over, and he was breathing too fast. Lee started to reach out, instinctively wanting to offer comfort through touch, to hold Gaara and soothe away his fear with gentle words...but he stopped himself. Right now, touch might make it worse. "I...if you do not feel the same, it is all right." He bit his lower lip. Of course someone like Gaara wouldn't feel that way about someone like Lee. Of course. "I do not expect anything and I will not ask you to do anything you do not want to do. I just wanted to be honest about how I feel. That is all. I am sorry if I have made you uncomfortable. Please...do not be upset."
There was no sign in Gaara's blank green eyes that he registered Lee's presence or words at all. His fingers tightened further in the fabric, and the collar of his shirt bit into his neck as it pulled down in response to the pressure. Gaara didn't notice- all of his attention was turned inward, as those words repeated over and over in his mind. "Don't lie to me," he said, hoarse and rough. "Not you too."
Lee's brows drew together in confusion. He'd assumed that Gaara's reaction was due to revulsion over the very idea of Lee being in love with him. But those words-Don't lie to me-suggested something else. "I am not lying," Lee said quietly. "Why would I lie about something like that?"
Gaara tensed as that softly-voiced question pierced through the voices in his mind. His head turned slightly as he looked at Lee, basilisk gaze fixing on the other teen's face. Nothing could be seen from his expression, but his tight grip on his shirt hadn't loosened, and his breath came in the swift, shallow pants of near-hyperventilation.
He shouldn't be feeling this much. He shouldn't be feeling anything at all. Everything inside him had died on that night; died as Yashamaru's blood had coated his hands. There was nothing left to twist this painfully. But that didn't make the pain stop. If anything, it made it hurt that much worse. "You can't," he repeated. There was an edge of desperation in his voice.
At the look in Gaara's eyes, Lee tensed. There was something dangerous brewing just under the surface of those eyes, something wild and raw and wounded. He wondered if he should withdraw those words, if denying his own love would calm Gaara. But it would be a lie. He was in love with Gaara. He knew that with a gut-deep certainty. And Lee had never been any good at lying, particularly about something as important as this. "Why do you keep saying that I cannot?" he asked.
"You know why," Gaara whispered. And knowing that Lee knew only made it worse. He shouldn't have told him- shouldn't have revealed that much of himself. It'd been easy to forget in the night, wrapped up in that warm voice, that Lee was real. That false feeling of safety.
"Because of him?" Lee asked quietly. Of course. Yashamaru had convinced Gaara that no one could love him...that love wasn't even real. Gaara had reacted the same way when Lee first told him that he cared about him.
Lee watched Gaara's fingers digging into his chest, twisting, and his own heart twisted in response. He reached out again, but this time, he didn't stop himself. He touched Gaara's hand-the hand over his heart-and curled his fingers around it gently. "It is all right," he whispered. "I will not hurt you. I promise. Please..." He moved closer, enfolding Gaara in his arms again. He knew it was risky, but he couldn't help it.
Gaara tensed, his already rapid breathing fluctuating. For a moment he almost pulled back. Almost walked out; left Lee behind him and everything that he stood for.
But then, he'd been fooling himself for months that he could leave... trying over and over again to find the strength to walk away. And he couldn't. Gaara stared with unseeing eyes at Lee's wall as he slowly, unwillingly relaxed into that touch. So warm. He'd never thought it'd feel this warm to be hugged. Something hard and tight inside of him broke. Gaara buried his face in Lee's neck, drawing in his scent in deep, shuddering gulps of breath. His fingers loosened on his shirt, only to latch onto Lee's in turn. There was no finesse or delicacy in the way he hugged Lee. It was sheer desperation and the near-violent desire to hold onto this; for Lee's words to be true. "I don't know what you're doing to me," he whispered.
Lee held him tighter. He could feel that thin body trembling against him, could feel Gaara's heart hammering, his fingers digging into Lee, clutching tight fistfuls of his shirt, gripping him with a violent need. "It is all right," Lee murmured. His hand drifted up to smooth Gaara's hair. "Everything is all right." Even as Gaara's muscles slowly relaxed, his breathing remained strained and heavy...as if he were resisting that relaxation, resisting his own need for comfort. Gaara's reaction to his own emotions was always to tense up, to push them away, to fight them. Maybe that was how he'd survived this long...but Lee could only imagine how exhausting it must be, hurting so much and not being able to cry or talk about it or show it in any way. "It is okay to feel things," Lee whispered into his ear. "Let yourself feel."
"I don't want to," Gaara said starkly. But he knew that it was too late. Somehow Lee had gotten inside of him, twined into him to the point where he couldn't push him away. To the point where he could do nothing but lean into Lee's embrace and hope that somehow, Lee was what he seemed. That someone could be that good; that someone could care about him. He rested his forehead against Lee's shoulder, hands still fisted in his shirt... a physical sign of the deep-seated fear that Lee would pull away from him.
He didn't know what he feared more- that Lee would pull away, or that he wouldn't.
"If you keep pushing those feelings away, it will just make it harder in the long run. You might feel a little better if you let it out." Lee continued to stroke Gaara's hair as he spoke. His hand trailed down to his back and rubbed in slow, gentle circles. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked. He was fairly sure that Gaara wouldn't, but still...he wanted desperately to help somehow, to ease Gaara's pain. And he didn't know what to do except listen and hold him.
"No." The response was swift and automatic. Gaara knew that he should pull away from Lee's slow, steady touches... but he couldn't. He needed that comfort too much. He curled in tight against Lee's chest, arms slipping around Lee's waist. For a long time he simply sat like that, letting Lee touch him, letting those calloused hands try and soothe away the chaotic storm within his heart. "You aren't lying?" he finally asked, the words as small and doubtful as those of a child.
"I am not lying," Lee said softly. He pulled back just enough to look at Gaara's face, but Gaara's gaze remained downcast. Needing to see his eyes, Lee gently placed a finger beneath his chin and lifted it. "I would never lie to you, Gaara. Especially not about something so important."
Wide, uncertain, untrusting eyes met Lee's gaze, but as much as Gaara searched Lee's face for some sign of falsehood, he could find nothing. Lee wasn't lying. Gaara's eyes closed, black bruises standing out starkly against pale skin. "What do you want from me?" he asked.
Lee's fingertips brushed his cheek. "I want to be near you. I want you to trust me...or at least give me a chance to earn your trust. I want to help you. I want..." His gaze focused on Gaara's lips-smooth, sand-colored and parted slightly. Lee gulped and looked away.
Fear surged in Gaara's chest at the moment of hesitation. Even though every instinct screamed not to- to do anything to get away from this, to pull back, to somehow protect himself- he let the single word fall from his lips. "What?"
Lee's gaze focused on Gaara's lips again, and he took a deep breath.
He knew he should say "nothing." He should consider himself lucky that Gaara had even allowed himself to be held; should fall on his knees and thank heaven that this beautiful, guarded, wounded boy would allow Lee's calloused and unworthy hands anywhere near his pale, smooth perfection. To ask for more-and so soon-was almost blasphemy. Or at least very stupid. Gaara was already overwhelmed. But he knew Gaara wouldn't accept "nothing" as an answer, and Lee had never been any good at lying. Before he knew it, the truth had already slipped out of his mouth. "I want to kiss you."
Wariness and vulnerability showed in equal parts when Gaara's eyes opened, but he made no move to pull away from the gentle pressure of Lee's fingers against his cheek. He couldn't. His breathing quickened as those words slowly entered his mind. Lee wanted to kiss him. He looked down at Lee's lips. The very idea was so foreign that he couldn't even picture it. "Why?" he asked, a touch of that soft vulnerability showing in the way his eyes darted back up to meet Lee's.
a moment, Lee just stared, amazed that Gaara hadn't rejected him outright. He realized his mouth was open and shut it. "Because..." Lee's gaze focused on those lips again, and his tongue crept out to wet his own lips. "Because I love you, and...and I think you are beautiful, and I just want to know what it feels like. Kissing you. If you want to, that is."
Because I love you. Those words repeated in Gaara's mind, and he stared at Lee- at dark, long-lashed eyes, so unfamiliar when combined with that voice. "Okay," he whispered.
For a moment, Lee just stared, dazed, half-convinced he'd misheard. He wasn't sure what sort of reaction he'd been expecting, but he definitely hadn't expected Gaara to agree so readily. "You...you don't mind?" He needed to confirm that he hadn't hallucinated that single word or misunderstood it somehow. His thumb touched the corner of Gaara's mouth and brushed gently against his lower lip. "You will let me kiss you?"
"Yes." The single word was hoarse, and Gaara's breathing quickened. He could still feel a trail of phantom tingles where Lee's calloused thumb had brushed against his lip. So much touch. He wondered if Lee knew how long it'd been since he'd been touched... that the only time he could remember in years was Temari grabbing his wrist in an attempt to keep him from leaving. And now Lee touched him carefully, reverently.
Lee started to lean forward, then stopped, looking into those green eyes.
Lee had never really kissed anyone before. Maybe that was unusual for a boy his age, but he'd wanted to save his first kiss for someone he really, truly liked. He'd always assumed Sakura would be that person...but now, he wondered if he'd chosen her specifically because she was so unlikely to ever return his affections. Maybe he'd been hiding from himself all this time.
His thumb caressed Gaara's lower lip again, tracing its curve. So soft, so smooth. Like warm silk. Slowly, he closed the distance between them and touched his lips to Gaara's.
Gaara held perfectly still, wary green eyes staying fixed on Lee's face as he leaned in. Part of him demanded that he pull back- that he put some kind of defense between them, protect himself from the closeness Lee so naturally offered. And for a moment, he almost did. Lee had already kissed him; at least, their lips had touched, and from what little he knew that was all that was required for a kiss. Then it firmed slightly, Lee's lips moving against his in a silent, timid question.
It felt… different. Like the hug, but not- like feeling Lee's heart beat beneath his hand. Being connected. It was a foreign feeling for Gaara. He'd spent his entire life eschewing bonds, knowing how easily they could be used to hurt. And this… this was both acknowledgment and strengthening of the connection that had grown between them in near-silent whispers. As suddenly and fiercely as the desire to pull away came the desire to hold on. To take what Lee offered, claim it as his, cling tightly to him and refuse to let go. Gaara's hands came up, fisting roughly in Lee's hair. He pulled Lee closer, mashing their lips together in an attempt to force that feeling to strengthen.
Lee's eyes widened in surprise as Gaara's lips pressed suddenly, fiercely against his. It almost hurt...but he didn't pull away. Because it was Gaara, and Gaara was kissing him, and just that thought made Lee dizzy. He closed his eyes and relaxed into it, allowing Gaara to take the lead. One hand slipped around to cup the nape of Gaara's neck, fingertips rubbing in slow, gentle circles. The skin was warm and velvety.
Something tense and hard inside Gaara uncoiled at the way Lee melted into him, willingly surrendering to the touch. Lee wasn't pulling away. And maybe that meant he was telling the truth when he said that he wouldn't. Gaara's tight grip slowly loosened, and his hands fell to Lee's shoulders. He pulled back, silent, pale green eyes searching Lee's face.
Lee stared at Gaara for a moment, dizzy. Gaara's lips were reddened and slightly swollen from kissing, and his pale cheeks held a faint, pink flush. He had never looked more beautiful. Lee licked his lips. He could still taste Gaara on them; a hint of salt, something warm and sweet. "That felt good," Lee whispered breathlessly. He paused, then said, "I have never kissed anyone before."
It wasn't something Gaara had wondered, but the idea of Lee kissing someone else made a purely possessive part of Gaara bristle. He didn't like the thought of Lee touching someone else like that; slowly, tenderly. He had no illusions of sharing Lee's feelings. But the same feeling that had made him drive through the night instead of simply having Lee come to him circled around the idea that he was the only one Lee wanted like a caged animal staring at a haunch of meat; ravenous and wary at the same time. "What happens now?"
"Now?" Lee hadn't thought that far ahead. He hadn't really believed that Gaara would agree to kiss him, much less anything else. He tried to collect his thoughts. Wasn't there some protocol for this? Well, yes. Except he'd deviated from it already. You were supposed to date someone and then kiss that person...and then maybe do other things. He and Gaara had known each other for awhile, but they hadn't really done anything that could be considered dating. He swallowed, his mouth dry. "Well...that depends. What do you want to happen now?"
Gaara fell silent, just looking at Lee. His brows were thicker in person, he noticed- hair darker than the ink-black it'd appeared in the photograph, cheeks thinner. It still seemed strange that this conglomeration of features could be Lee- as much as he'd known that Lee was real, as much as he'd heard his breath and had seen his face, it still felt strange for Lee to be more than a disembodied voice. "I don't know," he finally whispered.
"Well..." Lee paused, his gaze searching Gaara's face, wondering if he should ask this question or hold off. Gaara still seemed very emotionally raw right now. But in the end, it slipped out. "How do you feel about me? I mean..." He wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, tasting a hint of Gaara on them. "Does this mean you are attracted to me, as well?" The idea that Gaara-that anyone might be attracted to Lee seemed preposterous. But still, Gaara had let Lee kiss him.
"I don't know," Gaara repeated. This time, the words were quieter. Harsher. Jagged. He looked away, counting the swirls on Lee's bedspread. "I don't want you to go. I want to believe you. I want for this to be real." He wanted to believe that maybe Yashamaru had been wrong. That he wasn't incapable of being loved. That there was something that would take away the pain… and that Lee could give it to him.
"It is real," Lee replied quietly. He reached out and interlaced his fingers with Gaara's. "And I will not go. I promise." A hot twinge of guilt shot through his chest. He wondered if Gaara had kissed him simply for that reason; because he was afraid Lee would leave him, otherwise. Lee would have to be careful, in the future, not to push Gaara into anything he wasn't comfortable with.
He reached up to brush his fingers against Gaara's smooth cheek. "I will not leave you."
Gaara stayed still for a moment, still looking away- then his eyes slowly slid closed. "I need you," he whispered. "It scares me, how much I need you." He felt raw and vulnerable under that touch, as if Lee could crush him with the slightest moment of carelessness.
At those words, Lee's breath caught in his throat. His fingertips remained resting lightly, gently against that smooth cheek. "I will not hurt you," he said softly. He leaned forward to rest his forehead against Gaara's. "Everything is okay."
Hearing those words in that soft, familiar voice, Gaara could almost believe them. His fingers closed around Lee's wrist, holding his calloused hand in place as Gaara rubbed his cheek against it. The roughness of it scrapped against his skin, and his eyes slitted open, flashes of sea green showing between the bruised lids. He didn't know what had triggered the impulse. Maybe it was just seeing if Lee would let him do it. "I didn't mind it," he said quietly. "You touching me. …I didn't mind it."
Lee's heartbeat quickened. "I like touching you," he murmured. He continued to lightly stroke Gaara's cheek, marveling at its softness. His fingers trailed over the pale curve of his neck, over his collarbones, then slid up into his silky hair and rubbed his scalp in small circles. "I like kissing you, too." His gaze focused on those lips, and warmth rose into his cheeks. "If it ever becomes too much, though, let me know, okay? I do not want to do anything you do not want."
Gaara's eyes slowly slipped closed as he focused on those light, gentle touches. It felt so strange to be touched… but at the same time, it felt good. Warm. Instead of answering he leaned up, seeking Lee's lips with his own. He wanted to experience that again; wanted the warmth of sensation building in his chest and bubbling through his blood. He wanted to define it, needed to put a word to what it was he felt when Lee touched him as if defining it would somehow make it less dangerous.
Lee's eyes widened as Gaara's lips pressed against his. Then his eyelids slipped shut, and he focused on that point of contact; the warm, sweet, tingling pressure. Gaara's lips were so very soft, so smooth, like warm, living satin. He wanted more. The tip of his tongue crept out to touch those parted lips, shyly asking permission to enter.
After a moment of pressure Gaara's lips parted. It felt… strange. Slick and wet and warm, strangely intimate in a way he wouldn't have thought it would be. It should be no different from the touch of hand against hand- strange and new and frightening, yes, but not like this. It was something that he could feel through his entire body, seeping in through his lips and dispersing through his limbs. He wondered if this was what it felt like to be poisoned; slowly spreading heat and the knowledge that at the end lay only death.
He was so close to Lee. It'd be easy, and Gaara would have no defenses. Even if Lee was injured, he was still stronger. He touched Lee's forearms, neither pulling him closer nor pushing him away- simply feeling the strength of the corded muscle there. But then, Lee didn't have to hurt him physically to hurt him. He could shatter Gaara's mind, and Gaara knew it, and he could do nothing but sit there and slowly respond as Lee's tongue moved against his own.
Lee gently, carefully explored Gaara's mouth with his tongue, stroking the slick, silky flesh. One hand, meanwhile, drifted up to cup the back of Gaara's neck again. He kissed him slowly, thoroughly, wanting to memorize the texture and taste of him. Wanting to drink him in.
Lee had always imagined his first kiss being with Sakura. And he'd imagined it being chaste and pure-and he'd never thought much about what would happen beyond that point. In fairy tales, when the knight in shining armor kissed the princess, that was the end. And his infatuation with Sakura had never been more than a fairy tale. This...wasn't like that. It was wetter. And hotter. And addictive. He wanted more and more. He had to restrain himself, reminding himself that Gaara was very fragile right now. But heat crept through his body anyway, and a soft, shuddering breath escaped him. He broke away, eyes closed, fighting for control. His body was doing embarrassing things.
Gaara watched as Lee struggled, hands clenching together, long lashes shielding his eyes from view. He felt strangely bereft and empty without that touch. "You stopped," he said. The words were simple, but shaded- faint hints of uncertainty and defensiveness, slight enough that to most his voice would sound flat. "Why?"
"I...I just..." Lee gulped, cheeks flushed, his hands fisted in his lap. He moved them to cover his groin, trying to hide the embarrassing things happening there-though the movement probably just drew attention to it. "Kissing you like that, it...makes me excited. I do not want to lose control."
"Excited," Gaara repeated. He didn't look down, strange green gaze focused on Lee's heated cheeks. He felt a flare of fear at the other words- lose control. They implied something dangerous, something that would hurt. Something Lee was holding back in check. "What would happen?" he asked quietly.
"Wh-what would happen? Well..." He gulped again, fidgeting. He tried to will his erection away, but he kept thinking about Gaara's slick tongue, his soft lips...those lips which were still slightly swollen and reddened from kissing, beckoning him, so tempting...
Lee shut his eyes. "I might go too far," he whispered. "I know this is new to both of us, and...I want to take things slowly. I do not want to do anything you are not ready for."
Gaara stared at him. "…you don't want to hurt me," he said quietly. The words felt strange and unfamiliar on his tongue. "You don't want to hurt me," he repeated, more firmly this time. "Because-"
Gaara stopped, and his breath quickened. Lee didn't want to hurt him. Lee cared about him. Lee wanted him. His eyes went glassy and dazed, staring at some distant point past Lee's shoulder. He thought that he was starting to understand what it meant, when Lee said he cared about him.
"Because I love you," Lee finished quietly. "I want to make sure I do this right. It is important to me. Because you are important to me." He noticed the unfocused look in Gaara's eyes. Lee leaned toward him, his gaze searching Gaara's face, his own self-consciousness forgotten in a rush of concern. "Gaara? Are you all right?"
"No," Gaara whispered. And he wasn't. Love wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be something that would fix things- something that would fix him, fill the broken cracks of his psyche. Even as he'd denied its existence, part of him had clung to that idea. But if anything, it made it hurt worse. It took away the cold, defensive numbness he'd pulled into place and left him raw and bleeding. It felt like all of the pain he'd been holding at bay for years was rushing into him all at once. He distantly wondered if his body was big enough to hold that much emotion. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking like he hadn't had a cigarette for a week, and the sudden longing for nicotine hit him with overwhelming force. He needed that, needed something to soothe, something to numb, something to distract. "I'm going outside," he said.
He rose to his feet, knowing that Lee wouldn't be able to follow quickly enough to stop him, and headed out the door. He leaned against the brick, looking past the railing at his car as his shaking hands tried to open the packet. He finally managed to get one out and lit, staring at the glossy red paint. He could leave, he reminded himself. The option was there. His keys were in his pocket; he could be gone before the door opened behind him.
He drew in another drag, tipping his head back and holding the acrid smoke in his lungs until they started to burn, then let it all go in a rush.
Lee started to lunge to his feet, gasped, and dropped back to the bed, his teeth gritted against the pain flaring in his lower back. His hands fisted on the sheets, twisting them as he choked back a scream.
Another ache, just as potent, suffused his heart. He'd thought about going after Gaara. He wanted to; his instincts told him to follow, to take Gaara into his arms again and comfort him. But maybe Gaara needed a moment alone. Maybe following him would seem pushy, and he'd end up withdrawing even more.
He closed his eyes. Gaara was so easy to hurt, and still so much a mystery to him. Lee didn't know what to do.
To be continued