3 years ago:
Silence…
…
…
…
"Rickon? Go get cleaned up, the guests are already arriving"—
"I don't want to, I'm fine just as I am!"—
"Bran?"— He nods.
"C'mon Rickon, we can squeeze a quick walk with the wolves, this is going to take a while"—
"Who are all these people? Why are they even here? Why isn't Arya talking?"—Rickon mutters as Bran takes him to his room.
"Arya?..."- Robb sighs. He comes closer but doesn't touch me, I'm like a wild animal watched through a magnifying glass. I don't need his comfort, you need to actually feel something to get comforted. I feel nothing. "Did you help her get dressed?" Silence… "In a way this will be better for her, kind of going back to the routine, getting dressed up. Socializing"—I say nothing but look at him. His eyes are blue, mine are grey but both are red and swollen. We're trying to hold on. At least he his. I gave up.
We are the pillars of a very cracked foundation.
Rickon is too little to grasp the enormity of it all and I envy him for it, Bran on the other hand wasn't untouched, acting more like a parent than a big brother to him but he doesn't say anything, he understands. Jon and Theon are on their way. They can't do anything but call every five minutes so it's just Robb and me. I hear the sounds of heels hitting the floor. Oh, yeah. It's Rob, me and her.
Clink, clink, clink…
Was Winterfell always this big? This hallow?...
"Most of the guests are here. We should start the ceremony. Where is your sister?"— Catelyn's question is aimed at me but it's Robb who answers. I continue to look through the large window glass. Black cars, black clothes, snow. People are looking in as much as I'm looking out.
"She's upstairs, she'll be down anytime now. She just needs her space as we all do mother"—Robb says placating. Lash out; I think. Don't become Dad! Nothing.
"Arya can you at least take a breath mint? I can smell the scotch on you. God knows you don't have time to change your clothes"—Silence. I focus instead on Sansa. She's already outside of her bedroom, I heard the door six minutes ago, she just can't seem to get herself to come down. "Have you figured out who the thirds speaker is going to be?"-
"Benjen coming down with Jon, he's the only sibling left. It's his right to speak at his brother's funeral. If he doesn't make it on time Greatjon or Jory will fill in the blanks"—
"I think Petyr should do it. He knew Eddard for as long as I did really and he was such a good friend these past few months"—She says as an afterthought casually looking at her watch. Silence. Robb turns around, our eyes lock again. Lash out; I think. Don't become Dad! Nothing. I can see him mentally count to ten, he is the head of the family now, he needs to keep his cool. He looks at my hand, he wants to hold it. More for his comfort than mine but neither of us move, I continue to nurse my drink in my hand, a heavy glass tumbler filled with liquid Ambar. Mom prattles on about the Chairman of this, senior partner at that. Who cares? Flowers aren't going to bring Dad back. Where were they when he needed their help? Finally I hear steps on the stairwell.
"Sansa a pant suit? That's hardly appropriate!"—Catelyn scolds Sansa as if she wore the wrong pair of shoes to a dance, she doesn't even notice that she flinches back and doesn't let her touch her. I turn around, our eyes meet. Her eyes are blue, mine are grey but both are red, mine swollen from tears, her from fists. There are no pretenses here. We both gave up. I start to walk over to her.
My steps are mechanical, my touch is clinical. Maybe that's why I'm the only one Sansa allows to make contact with her. For the past week it's been the same; Bran's not the only one playing parenthood. Today I got extra early, made sure I learned how to master makeup tutorials from YouTube so I could cover all the bruises. I pulled out the pant suit because it had the most coverage and put her hair into a loose side braid. Loose so her head won't hurt since it's so tender from the beating and the braid helps cover up the bald spots.
"What are they doing here?"—Robb spits barely audible.
"Oh, I invited them. It's what's expected of us"—Catelyn says three blond heads exit a limousine. The father, the daughter and the grandson.
"No… No… No… No…"—Sansa wails, becoming more frantic as Catelyn reaches out to her grabbing by the wrist, preventing her from going upstairs. She's going into another one of her panic attack.
"Get ahold of your yourself Sansa, this isn't very ladylike of you. Let's go outside"—
"Mother leave her alone!"—Robb says, both us walking closer but I react faster. Catelyn shakes Sansa with violence and raises her hand. There are two blows, only one from her.
She falls on the floor, blood.
"You lay your hands on Sansa or any other of us and you're dead, you hear me?"
"ARYA!"— I hear Robb. It's strange, this is like a dream. I don't even remember hitting Mom with the glass tumbler I was holding. Right in the head… It felt good.
"Rickon, Brandon, Sansa, Jon, Robb and me… say it."
"I… I…"—I'm beginning to feel again. I enjoy the fear in her eyes.
"SAY IT!" I yell, it also feels good to talk again.
"I'll never hit any of you again…"—I smile, that felt good but the feeling disappears when I turn around and see Sansa, she's rolled up in a ball, fear in her eyes, this time directed at me.
I'm sick of this shit. At least I can fix something, I can fix Sansa. I can't do anything for Mom, I sure as hell can't do anything for Dad and I'm a lost cause. I call Hot Pie, who very discretely help me put Sansa on the back of Robb's car. He drives. I'm silent again. It was HP's idea a while ago to check Sansa in with my hold sponsor Syrio so that's what we do. She was never a wolf, she was too delicate for that. She was more of a little bird, who is now broken and needs some patching up. I can't do that for her, other people will.
I missed Dad's funeral, it's already nightfall. I just sit next to Sansa and look at her, she's asleep. We can fill a pharmacy with how doped up we are.
"You're leaving aren't you?"—I turn around and I can't help but smile. Jon Snow in his officer uniform. I'm proud but also silent. He walks in, closing the door behind him. HP's snoring can be heard from the hall. He sits on the other side of the bed. "Violence is never the answer Arya…"—He says stroking Sansa's hand. "But everything's so fucked up that I don't even know where to begin"—
"We take care of the pack" I say gesturing towards Sansa "Bran, Rick, even Theon, you'll look after Robb right?"
"And who's going to look after you? You're a kid, legally I can make do what I want"—
"No you can't" I smile and before we know it we're both crying. He hugs me and doesn't want to let me go but I need to go, this isn't my place anymore. One last kiss, one last embrace and I'm gone. Jaqen already waiting for me outside of the clinic.
Present Day…..
I'm back at the hotel suite, sitting on the floor with a wet towel wrapped around me. Somewhere, outside the door is Gendry Waters. God my head hurts! From crying, from thinking, drinking, you name it. I have to get out, it's not like I can climb out of a window. This is possibly my worst night ever! I finally open the door and Gendry is just sitting there. He's not reading, the tv is off, he's just sitting there on the edge of the bed waiting for me. How long was I in there? Does this mean he still wants to sleep with me? He's barefoot, shirtless with worn-out pajama pants. I can't keep my eyes off of him.
"You ok?"—
"Weird night" I reply. We're more doers than talkers I guess. He frowns.
"Here…"—He says going over to an old duffel bag on the floor, he tosses a t-shirt at me "You'll be more comfortable than putting your dress back on" Oh; he still wants me to stay? He turns around, I take it it's my cue to put in on which I do, although it reaches past down my knees I still feel naked. I don't have my bra on and I consider going to the bathroom to get my panties although they're pretty much ruined, Gendry made sure of that. He turns around and there's that smirk again.
"If I hadn't seen you with a dress before I'd be pretty sure I'd only preferred you with my clothes on. Hop on the bed and find us a movie to watch. I'll be back in a minute"— He says walking out of the bedroom.
I jump on the bed which is massive, sliding under the covers both for coverage and comfort. I have always owned big beds. Growing up I had a huge one back home because I'm an active sleeper, I need space for my sleep induced acrobatics. Moving in with Smalls is a natural explanation because of his size. He's an active sleeper as well, try getting smacked in the face by a giant in the middle of the night. I flip through the channels, there's really nothing on. I consider getting up to see where Gendry went but he back in, tray filled with food on his hands.
"I didn't see you eat back at the party"—He explains as he plops down next to me, his back to the bedframe, lean legs across the mattress. It's a simple meal, almost like breakfast for dinner. There's pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast complete with orange juice and coffee with cream.
"You have penthouse room service and you ordered breakfast?" I ask amused.
"If you want something different I can call them, I just thought you'd appreciate a homemade meal"—
"Wait up; you cooked this?" He shrugs, three bacons strips already in his mouth.
"I'm in hotels a lot. Not that I always stay in the penthouse but I at least pay for something with a kitchen. After a while take out and buffets get old"—
"Most penthouses have their personal chef"
"I like to cook"—He says as a matter of fact and we both eat in silence. I really is good and I'm grateful, I wasn't aware at how hungry I was but the anxiety comes back as I see that my plate is running out of food. We're going to have to talk eventually so eating what's left I take my coffee and mimic his postured looking idly at the tv, the late late-night news is on.
"What do you do? I mean, for a living" I ask, at least trying to know something about him.
"I'm a petroleum engineer, that's how I met Robb; in school"—Of course; I mutter. Dumb question, I already know they were roommates back in Kings Landing. I guess he finished after Robb had to drop out to come back home when Dad died. "I work as a freelancer so that's why I move a lot"—
"So no family?"
"Never knew my Dad, my Mom died when I was little. I had a sister but she died as well… you really don't remember anything do you? I mean, I understand why but I guess, I don't know. I hoped that you'd at least had a vague idea"—He says rubbing the back of his head, a gesture that by now I can point as a pet peeve of his.
I sigh and get off the bed. "Listen Gendry, whatever happened between us? I'm sorry, ok. Whatever the hell I did; I did under the wrong headspace. I was messed up back then. So this?..." I say gesturing back an fort at us "You chasing after me? It has to stop. I don't even remember being with you to begin with" noise from the TV interrupts us.
'And now with a bit of celebrity news local style. Guess who finally decided to pop the question? After years of dating; Jon Umber asked his girlfriend Arya Stark for her hand in marriage. The socialite just turned eighteen and he of course is the son of our Towns Major Jon Umber Senior who is said to be ecstatic with the union. The couple is said to be still celebrating the news and according the bride to-be Mother's Catelyn Stark expect nuptials sooner rather than later after such a long courtship…' Gendry turns the tv off. Silence fills the room.
"It was the first time we were together you know…I would never take advantage of you"—
"Oh…" I really have nothing to say.
"C'mon here"—Gendry says scooting down the bed to sit on the edge. He takes my hand in his. I let him, it's reassuring and familiar. He starts to talk and I know I'm finally going to learn about our past together.
"I guess I've always known you without knowing you. Robb's family is his life so back when we were in college I got the complete lowdown after he finished his weekly phone call"—I smile. Every Sunday someone in the family got the call and was expected to relay a complete account on every Stark. "Anyway… Robb's a great guy, we became good friends instantly, I felt for the guy when your dad died. I remember I tried to help him as much as I could so he wouldn't drop out but eventually he had to leave. We kept in touch after that as much as we could but it wasn't easy, we both had our fair share of responsibilities. That's we're you come in. You really don't remember my sister? A girl called Bella?"—I turn my head "Robb told me that his little sister had gone AWOL after your Dad's funeral, he was pretty torn out about it and asked me to keep my eyes open just in case I heard anything"—
"Did you… where you into the scene" Were you an addict? Is what I really want to ask, maybe trying to see if that is why I know him.
"I have my demons but I don't ruin my body by touching any of that shit"—Gendry spats, definitely not a sugar coater. "My sister on the other hand? Couldn't get enough. I guess that was what bonded us closer, Robb and I? Two little sisters going off on the wrong end… Bella went missing as well, not a strange occurrence but I was worried since she always came back, crashed with me a few days, asked me for some money. So I started making the rounds, asking if someone had seen her. Turns out she was shacking up with some dealer working the streets for him. I went over the house. Some posh place inside the keep and you know what? She wasn't really living with him, he would just use her and throw her back to the street!"—Gendry was getting mad, he stood up and started to pace around the room. "I followed her back to the house, Bella was a sneaky one and I didn't want to freak her out and make her disappear again so when I knock at the door you answered the door. Skinny thing, grey eyes? Robb had enough pictures of you back at the dorm to recognize you! And that's when I lost it, you were a kid! What? Fifteen? Sixteen? I mean I knew Bella was fucked up but to see a child inside the world? Living with a grown man and do nothing?!"—I don't say anything. My initial response to defend Jaqen is gone. Syrio explained to me that with my low self-esteem along with the grief I was experimenting made me easy picking. It took me a while to acknowledge that what I thought was great sex, someone who loved me and free drugs was Jaqen using me. He'd probably done it thousands of times.
"I went inside and beat the shit out of the fucker. He didn't even try to deny it, saying you went on your own free will and that you wanted to stay with him. He said a whole bunch of other shit but I didn't care, I smashed his teeth in and took you with me back to my place. Bella was freaking out saying that people wouldn't want to work with her anymore but I was focused on you so I gave her an ultimatum, to get her shit together or stay away for good."—
"So what happened?" I whisper. He said 'I had a sister but she died as well…'
"I got the call a couple of days after. The police found her overdosed in Flea Bottom"—
"I'm so sorry…" I say with tears I didn't know were in my eyes. He looks at me and his shoulders slump a bit, he takes my hand and steers us back to bed snuggling over the covers. My back to his front, his arms encasing me making me feel safe and his voice softening the blow of his words.
"Don't be, it's not your fault. She chose that life… anyways I ended up with you in my hands. I didn't call the cops because I didn't want them involved, the last thing you and I needed was our names in a police report and I also didn't call Robb right away. No brother needs to see his little sister that way"—I freeze but Gendry squeezes me back into him. "It was bad, there was a lot of puking, trashing and escaping involved so I had to quit work for a while"—
"How long was I there?"
"Three weeks tops, almost a month"—
"Jesus how come I don't remember any of it?"
"You were pretty strung out Arya. High on God's knows what, malnourished, I had to force feed you every day. Try explaining bite marks all over my arms to the grocery store lady"—
"Oh Gods" I try to bury my head in the matters. How can I be proud of that? I turn around in his arms "Gendry again I am so, so sorry about all of it. You didn't have to do it and I guess I'm alive because of you" He chuckles somehow finding humor in all of it.
"It's not like I was going to leave you there"—He shrugs playing with a lock of my hair "I did it for Robb and besides, it had its perks. There were bad days but there were also good days. Sometimes I used to sneak you over the bay and we'd see the ships come and go, you'd tell me all about the famous Jon Snow who was in the navy and how you were going to sail the seven kingdoms together. You stripping randomly at the house because you wanted to feel comfortable was also a plus"—
"OH. MY. GOD" He just laughs at me.
"Hey the shame goes both ways. You were a kid and I was the certified rapist definitely liking what I saw, don't even get me started the nights you wanted more… Superman's will has nothing on me"—
"Gendry, I'll probably won't say anything but 'thank you' to you till the day I die but I'm with Smalls now, this was a mistake" I try to get out of his arms but not only is it impossible but he also completely ignores me.
"I waited for at least the shaking to be gone to get you back home, the look on Robb's face as he saw you assured me that I made the right decision of cleaning you up a bit before coming back North. I left, you were with your family and I needed to grieve my sister, go back to work but I always kept tabs on you. I may not approve of it, I may not accept it but I understand why people do drugs. We didn't have a good childhood, that was Bella's way of coping, like she was always trying to reach for something that never came. I remember Robb telling me all the problems going around with you with your parents before your dad died."—
"Why are you here Gendry? What do you want with me?" God I love his eyes… he holds my face with one hand why the other holds me tight against him.
"Because I fell in love with that little skinny, foul mouth, grey eyed girl. It was shitty circumstances; yes, but… I don't know. I felt like I understood you and you understood me. As if our lives choices brought us together down that long and winding road… It's clear to me that you don't remember but you cried when I left you, most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life leaving you that day. I promised I'd give you time to get better to come back and keep my promise"—
"What promise?"
"You made me promise that I would return and make you happy."—Gendry says with such tenderness that my heart aches.
"What happens next?" I ask referring to Smalls and my family, a tiny part (ok, not so tinny part) asking about the sex. He answers at least the last part for me. Giving me a quick kiss on the nose and turning me around, resulting on him spooning me. He turns off the lights.
"We sleep, you've had enough big news for today. Good night M'lady"
And we go to sleep.
…
I have my first memory of my time with Gendry, or at least I think I did in some kind of dream. Blue eyes looking at me without any judgement, asking me what I wanted to do with my life.
"I want to fight!"
"You want to be what? A boxer?"—
"I don't know, it's all I ever do, all that people say I do, fight"
"What is it that you're fighting against?"
"What they think of me…"
"So? Own it, if something makes you happy do it. Stand by it, I'll support you"—
"I'm not a simpering little lady that needs help you know, I'm quite capable"
He smiles… I kind of remember his smile "of course you're are M'lady"—
"Don't call me M'lady!"
"As you wish M'lady"—
I wake up to a pitch dark room, I don't know what hour it is but what I do know is that I'm really, really comfortable. We haven't even moved from how we feel asleep. Gendry's face is buried in my neck, his breathing making me ticklish while his bicep serves as my pillow. It's tricky trying to get out of his arms and disentangling my leg from his without waking up but I have to since I have to go to the bathroom. I'm sobered up as much as I can but I can still feel the buzz of last night as I sit on the toilet.
Nothing has changed really, I'm still engaged, I have a duty with my family. It's only that now I know how I got back home and who saved me. God I wish I could remember those days with Gendry, I hardly even remember living with Jaqen. Maybe it's for the best, that way it will be easier leaving the hotel in the morning.
"I was going to go look for you"—Gendry says sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes as I come out.
"I'm sorry I woke you up"
"You didn't, it's more of a knee jerk reaction me knowing when you're not in bed. You used to sneak around back then, I had to be quicker."—
"We slept in the same bed?"
"Of course we did, how else could I keep my eyes on you? Also bed damn sleep I ever had in my life! C'mon here"—He says, I comply. This time he pull me under him like a pillow.
"Really? My trashing doesn't bug you?"
"What trashing? You're in my arms - you're out for the count Stark. God you smell good!"—He says diving his nose in my hair. Interesting. Sometimes Smalls would end up sleeping in the couch because of my sleeping habits.
We stay in a comfortable silence, my hands finding his naked back stroking him up and down. Gendry turned his head so he could find the spot under my neck that he seems to like and began to kiss me.
"Gendry what are we doing?" I practically purr as I let his hands guide my legs over his sides, I feel him hard against me as he wastes no time in grinding into me.
"What I've always wanted… what you've always wanted me to do"—He makes a quick job with my shirt, his shirt really; tossing it aside. None of us wearing any underwear so were good to go but I stop him.
"Do you have a condom?"
"Shit…"—He says getting up, frantically searching his wallet and jean pockets. "I'm sorry, I don't have any. It's been a while since I've been with someone but I'm clean"
"It's ok… I'm clean as well and I've only been with Smalls for the past three years it's just that I've never done it without a condom before"
"Well I can go out real quick and buy some. Shit! Back at the restaurant, we didn't use anything!"—Gendry says alarmed but I quickly reassure him.
"I'm on the pill so you don't have to go, I'm just kind of paranoid with protection… I liked feeling you inside me" His blue eyes bore into my soul and for the life of me I cannot fathom that I don't remember him "Come back to bed Gendry" I say, the decision is made. At least for tonight I am his and he is mine and he didn't waste time doing it. He had me on my back, he had me on my stomach, he had me on my hands and knees. He had me on the bed, on the wall, on the small desk by the window and on the floor after a particularly wild romp. Our mouths took turns in pleasuring each other, our teeth marking each other like wild animals, my voice hoarse from screaming and my name now a prayer engrained in his brain after every single trust. What little light the curtains let in lets us know that it's daytime. Gendry is licking my stomach in a lazy manner as we hear the suite doorbell.
"What don't people get about a 'do not disturb' sign?"—He says not stopping his ministrations. I smile, my hands in his hair.
"It's probably room service, you did tell them to bring us lunch after you ignored breakfast"
"I was already having breakfast when they interrupted me…"—He says licking my slit from top to bottom "I can taste myself on you" The things that come out of his mouth are almost better than what he actually does with his mouth. Almost!
"Gendry… Gendry…" I'm already panting but the ringing doesn't stop so in turn I stop him "The quicker you go and get the food, the quicker you can come back to bed"
He's not happy and I can't help but laugh "Fine"—He mutters like someone actually threw a punch at him.
"Pants!" I yell, he quickly runs back. Now that's a new way to tip the service.
I hurt all over but in a good way, my body is used, not a single muscle unmoved and not a single part left unkissed. I feel numb but for the first time in a good way as if Gendry took all why worries away with his touch. Worries that come back down on me as I hear a scream.
"NO JON, DON'T!"—
I scramble out of bed, falling flat on my ass after getting my feet tangled with the sheets. I put Gendry's shirt on and run to the living room. Gendry has a bloody mouth but he's standing, shoulders squared against Jon whose entire demeanor scream murder. Sansa, Ygritte behind him. Hot Pie surprisingly behind Gendry.
"What do you think you're doing?"—He growls and damn it. I knew it wouldn't last long, the feeling of content. There's that look again, the look of disappointment I've always received. "We're going home NOW"—
"The hell she is"—Gendry says casually wiping his mouth. A dare, hit me again it says.
"What are you doing here?" I say in panic mode, dreading that Smalls might walk through the door right this instant.
"What are we doing here? Arya you've been missing since last night! It's 4 pm in the afternoon. I saw the look in your eyes, I thought you ran away again!"—Jon screams at me and I recoil, I deserve his anger, I deserve to feel ashamed but Gendry stands in front of me not having any of it. "You get your filthy hands off her you bastard"—
"Babe, grabs your things. I think it's best if we leave now"—Ygritte says with a pressing tone. While Sansa who is rooted by the door finally speaks.
"I saw you last night… in the bathroom. But after you didn't come back I started to worry. I had to tell Smalls you were back at the manor while lying to Mom that you were with Hot Pie"—
"So naturally she called me, I had to butter up the waiters from last night who told me you ran off with something very big, dark and handsome"—Hot Pie says gesturing towards Gendry with a flourish. "Sorry about Jon thou, we had to tell him. He had Robb and the police on speed dial"—
"Arya…"—Jon grits his teeth so hard I can hear it "Out of this room, in my car. NOW"— I drag Gendry back inside of the bedroom as arguments start flying on the other side of the door.
"I have to go"
"End things with Smalls Arya"—Gendry says and I'm surprise with how assured and calm he seems, sure he looks angry as hell but he's composed. I don't know what the etiquette of being found cheating is.
"I… it's not that easy"—I say running around to put what on? I have no clean underwear and my dress is a mess in the bathroom floor. There's a knock on the door, Hot Pie with a small duffel bag with a change of clothes. I thank him and close the door on his face as he knowingly eyes the bed.
"Of course it's easy. You love me. Dump Smalls"—
"I don't love you, it was just one night Gendry. This doesn't change anything!" Before I know it Gendry grabs me and throws me back in bed, he looks menacing but I'm not afraid, deep down I know he would never harm me.
"You. Love. Me. End things with Smalls Arya"—His voice makes me shiver or maybe is just having him near me that makes me react like that.
"Arya? Please hurry up before Jon doesn't something we'll all regret"—Sansa says through the door and I get out of the bed, quickly changing. I don't look at him but I feel Gendry walking behind me.
"Grit took Jon down, we thought it was for the best"—Sansa says explaining why she's alone with Hot Pie. I don't say anything just walk out of the suite. The time seems eternal waiting for the elevator to arrive.
"I feel like I'm being eaten but in a really sexy and erotic way. You are soooo stopping by my place before going back to your apartment"—HP says as I dare take a glance back. Gendry is standing at the door just like he walked out of bed, not shirt, no shoes, just his sweats, even his bust up lip make him look hot. I press my thighs together and he smirks. 'End it' he mouths before the elevator finally arrives.
"Shit, I forgot my ring!" I say reaching for the buttons but Hot Pie stops me.
"You think you can actually go up there and be able to walk away again?"—
No... Shame… Pure shame wash over me. After years of being clean I'm addicted again.
"Then forget the ring. We'll figure something out"—Sansa says as we head out the elevator and the hotel.
I. FUCKED. UP
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