69.
"Sir, I'm so sorry," #1 apologized looking sad.
"For what," Voldemort hissed.
#1 handed him the latest issue of Witch Weekly. The cover showed a picture of Harry Potter.
Harry Potter Taken
Yes, that's right, readers. The Boy-Who-Lived is now the Man-Who-Is-In-Love. And with who, you ask? Why it's none other than his best friend's younger sister, Miss Ginevra Molly Weasley.
Voldemort looked confused.
"I – I can't believe she would just break up with you like that!" #1 cried out. "I mean, you were her first real romance."
"And when was that?" the Dark Lord asked confused.
"During her first year," #1 said in a I-can't-believe-you-actually-didn't-know-that tone.
68.
"CRUCIO!"
Bella screamed.
And Voldemort cackled.
"Sir," #1 said, concerned, "I'm worried about you, Sir. Here…" He handed the older man a slip of parchment. "I know you're depressed about not capturing Potter, so if you start feeling…desperate," the last word was whispered, "You can call them for help."
"Who are they?"
"A suicide hotline," #1 said innocently.
Bella managed to drag herself out of the room, while Voldemort was distracted from shock.
67.
"Where's my grapefruit," Voldemort snapped as he swept into the dining room.
"Sir, you are much to skinny, and I'm not putting up with it any longer," #1 snapped.
The other Death Eaters leaned forward in anticipation of the imminent torture of #1.
"What do you propose to do about it?" Voldemort challenged.
"You are going to eat a full English breakfast or you'll find yourself on the receiving end of my wand! How do you propose to take over the world if you are to weak to walk? Now! Eat!" #1 tapped a foot impatiently.
Voldemort rolled his eyes, and hissed sarcastically, "Yes, mother." and began to eat.
Needless to say, none of the other Death Eaters could even think from the shock of it.
66.
"You aren't gaining any weight!" #1 snapped as the limo wound its way along the coast. "I've been patient enough with you! It's time for me to start playing hard-ball!"
Voldemort just sighed. There's no reasoning with #1 during one of these moods.
When they finally got out of the vehicle they were parked outside a beautiful mansion in northern England.
The entered the lobby and #1 went to speak with the check-in clerk.
After about fifteen minutes of furious whispers, a white clad orderly walked up to Voldemort.
"So you're our new anorexia patient?" he said.
Voldemort paled. "This is what #1 meant? #1, you can't just leave me here?" he hissed.
"Well, you need more help than I can give," #1 sighed, teary eyed. "They'll take good care of you, and I'll visit every week-end. I'll even bring Nagini. And just think…you'll finally be able to talk to a licensed psychiatrist about your feelings of abandonment."
With that #1 turned around and left the mansion. Now, I get to give the other Death Eater's orders on our Master's behalf. He smirked to himself. This is gonna be fun.
65.
"Sir, Sir, it's so good to see you with color in your cheeks," #1 gushed.
Voldemort's face contorted in the usual manner.
"Now you can finally come home to us, isn't it wonderful," #1 continued oblivious to everything going on around them.
- - -
The next day…
"Where's my eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, pancakes, muffin, and bring me extra butter! And this time I want real Vermont maple syrup!" Voldemort snapped.
An hour later…
"Hurry up, Sir. You'll be late for your meeting," #1 said, helping Voldemort put on a long black leather trench coat. He also straightened Voldemort's wig for him.
"What meeting?" Voldemort asked in annoyed confusion.
"Never mind that, you're going to be late!"
Twenty minutes later, Voldemort entered a small room where the meeting was going to be held.
"Welcome," a plump blonde woman said in an annoyingly high-pitched voice. "Is this your first Weight Watcher's meeting?"
Voldemort looked really mad. "Yes!" he hissed.
64.
"Sir, Sir, I think I found a way to permanently fix your baldness," #1 said rushing into the room in excitement.
"And how is that?"
"It's called Rogaine. I saw a TV commercial for it. It helps bald men grown hair! Isn't it wonderful?"
"Yeah, wonderful," the Dark Lord muttered sarcastically.
63.
"I cannot believe that the dentists managed to escape you yet again, Lucius!" Voldemort screamed. "They are just Muggles for Merlin's sake!"
"B-but, Sir, they had this metal thing that made a loud bang, and suddenly my arm was bleeding…" Lucius said, pale from blood-loss.
"Crucio!" Voldemort screamed, and then laughed maniacally. "Cru…" he began to say again, but was interrupted.
"Sir," a small voice said. "Are you PMSing?"
"Am I what?" Voldemort asked in confusion.
"PMSing…oh, never mind," #1 said and walked off.
Voldemort turned back to Lucius to torture him some more, but the blonde man had finally passed out.
"Dammit! It's just not as much fun when they are unconscious! I wouldn't even get to hear him scream!" Voldemort said, and turned to look at Snape, who flinched, expecting to be cursed.
"Get him out of my sight and heal him," Voldemort said, resignedly. "I'm going to bed. Wake me if anyone does anything even remotely useful."
62.
The next day…
"Sir."
"What is it now, #1? Did Lucius die? Did the Daily Prophet finally find out about Umbridge and Fudge? Or better still, did Bella finally get pregnant with a new Future Minion for me?"
"Err…No, Sir, nothing like that. I just brought some stuff to help you with your PMS."
"Ooookaaaayyyy…"
An hour and a half later…
"This movie is really sad," Voldemort murmured, wiping his eyes with a tissue from the pink box of Kleenex that #1 held out to him. "What is it called?"
"Somewhere in Time."
"Damn sad movie!" Voldemort muttered, taking another big bite of ice cream. "This chocolate fudge brownie ice cream is really good," Voldemort commented just as McNair entered the room.
"Sir, what's that on your forehead?" the executioner asked.
"Don't ask stupid questions," Voldemort snapped, then, "Crucio!"
"Go away!" he hissed when the man finally stopped screaming.
After McNair left, Voldemort turned to #1 and asked, "So what do these maxi pads do, anyway?" as he peeled one off of his forehead.
61. & 60.
"Where are we going now?" Voldemort asked in annoyance.
"You'll find out in a minute, we're here now?" #1 said happily.
The door in front of them opened. The woman who opened it said, "Welcome to the Exorcist's Lair."
"You brought me to an exorcist?" Voldemort asked in confusion.
"It was Crabbe Sr.'s idea," #1 defended.
The exorcist approached the pair, and stared at Voldemort, who had neglected to wear his wig or contacts for this excursion.
"We are going to be here for a while," the exorcist muttered matter-of-factly. "I'd say that you were wrong," he said, turning to #1. "It can't be just one demon controlling him. Not with those red eyes. It's gotta be a whole family of demons. Christy!" he snapped to a young woman. "Get me the biggest crystals we've got, and call in the re-enforcements. I'm gonna need all the help I can get."
- - -
"Crabbe!" Voldemort snapped upon returning from a long weekend with the exorcists. "CRUCIO!" He laughed maniacally.
I do not own Witch Weekly, Rogaine, Kleenex, or a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream, and...while I do own a copy of Somewhere in Time, I do not own the rights to it.
I will give 100 points to anyone who can write a funny scene of Voldemort at the exorcists, and I'll post it (and the author's name, I'm not going to steal anyone's work) at the beginning of the next chapter of this story. I'll give the author 200 points if I have trouble breathing from laughing so hard.
Good Luck!