Chapter 5-A Detour to the Heart

After Frodo walked out of the room, the three conspirators stared at each other in dismay. Each of their faces clearly expressed how sad and distressed they were at the previous few moments. Frodo had not told them anything they didn't already know. Instead, he'd shut his mouth faster than a clam and only mentioned something vague about how he'd been better. Ridiculous. "Well, that went well," said Mr. Pippin, dejectedly.

"I must admit that didn't go quite how I thought it would," said Mr. Merry in surprise.

Sam only grunted. He could have told them that Mr. Frodo likely wouldn't listen. After all, he'd been trying to talk sense into Mr. Frodo for weeks. But he had hoped that maybe he'd be different since it was the three of them. Apparently not. "What should we do now, Mr. Merry?"

Mr. Merry sat down in the nearest chair with a thump, but he didn't say anything. So Sam assumed he was thinking. He watched as Merry clasped his hands together. "Clearly, the direct approach will not be possible since Frodo did not speak to us, despite our best efforts," he said at length. "Perhaps it is time to take an indirect approach to help him. A detour, if you will, a detour to his heart. And so I think we need to add another member to our conspiracy."

Sam stared at Mr. Merry, and sat on the chair across from him. A detour to his heart? What in the Shire could that possibly mean? Why couldn't Mr. Merry just speak plainly about his plan? Why, stick him in a white robe and Mr. Gandalf could be with them, speaking in his usual riddles that didn't make much more sense than what Mr. Merry just said. "And who would that be, Mr. Merry?" he asked impatiently. "I told you that the only other hobbit that Mr. Frodo sees is…"

"….is Lilly Banks," Mr. Merry finished. "I know, Sam."

Mr. Pippin had been slumping against the wall, his eyes drifting shut (clearly Mr. Merry's plan didn't make sense to him either. Or perhaps it was still an effect of all the ale he'd drunk last night) but now they opened wide. "My cousin, Lilly? She comes here?"

"She does, Mr. Pippin," said Sam. "Mr. Frodo is teaching her Elvish."

"Exactly," said Mr. Merry. "And Sam here thinks that Lilly is…somewhat sweet on Frodo already. So all we need do is ask her to see if she can talk to him. Maybe he'll listen to her when he won't to us."

Huh, thought Sam. That didn't make much more sense either. "Why is that, Mr. Merry?" said Sam.

"We're too close to this- too close to what happened, Sam, especially you," said Mr. Merry, who gazed over at Sam. "But Lilly doesn't know anything. She's…not partial to any side because she didn't live it. Maybe she'll have some insight that we don't into the situation that will help him."

Sam wasn't entirely certain about that, and he had no qualms in saying so. "That's assuming a whole lot, Mr. Merry," said Sam. "And no mistake. Why would he talk to her when he won't to us?"

A small smile lifted the corners of Mr. Merry's lips. "Sam, didn't you hear when Frodo described his ideal lass?"

"Yes, of course I was, Mr. Merry, but-…" Suddenly it dawned on Sam what Mr. Merry was trying to say. A detour to his heart, indeed. Mr. Merry wanted to match Mr. Frodo up with Lilly because she was just like what he'd said he wanted. And maybe, just maybe, if Mr. Frodo fell in love he'd stop thinking about those memories so much. "Oh!"

"What?!" said Mr. Pippin impatiently, standing upright once more. "What?!"

"Mr. Frodo might well have been describing Lilly," said Sam. "Is that right, Mr. Merry?"

Mr. Merry smiled wider now, pleased that Sam had figured out his plan. "Exactly, Sam," he said. "At the beginning, I think he was just trying to placate us, but then I realized it was the truth. And it sounds a lot like her."

"You think she'll understand the quest?" asked Sam.

It was Mr. Pippin who unexpectedly answered. "I've known her a long time, since she is my cousin, and I think that she somehow would."

"I think so, Pip," said Mr. Merry. "Especially since I believe she could love him." He sighed deeply, traces of sadness in his eyes. "Maybe the love of a lass like her would be able to ease his heavy heart in a way that the three of us cannot. And then we wouldn't worry about him being all alone."

In his mind, Sam had a sudden vision of Mr. Frodo and Lilly living at Bag End with a small hobbit lad beside them with Mr. Frodo's dark curly hair and his big blue eyes. He was there too, with Rosie and two other little hobbits- one a boy (which of course would be named Frodo) and an older girl. He somehow knew that they were his and Rosie's, and the thought made him smile. More than anything, he wanted to see this come to pass. "I think it's a grand idea," he said.

Mr. Pippin nodded. "I think so too. I only want the best for my cousin Lilly, and who better than Frodo?" he said. "Do you think we should go and talk to her about this?"

Mr. Merry stood up., and so Sam did as well. "Yes, indeed," he said. "We should- right now, and if we do, it will give Frodo some time to think too."

Sam couldn't help but disagree with that, and he had no qualms about saying so. "Begging your pardon, Mr. Merry," said Sam bluntly. "But I don't think Mr. Frodo needs more time to think. He's done too much of that already and no mistake. It's that mind of his that's been giving him trouble"

"I understand, Sam," said Mr. Merry kindly. "But I'm sure he will be thinking about our recent talk, and there isn't anything we can do about it."

Sam sighed. Mr. Merry was probably right about that. Nobody could really tell Mr. Frodo what to do that often. He was a stubborn Baggins, after all, and was prone to digging in his heels when he wanted to. "I suppose so," he said. "Do you want me to go tell him we're leaving?"

"Actually, I think I should," said Mr. Pippin. "Lilly is my cousin, and he wouldn't be suspicious if I said I wanted to visit her."

"Wonderful, Pippin," said Mr. Merry. "We'll wait for you here."

After Mr. Pippin went to talk to Mr. Frodo, Sam and Mr. Merry waited patiently by the door of Bag End, cloaks on, and soon Mr. Pippin joined them. "All right, we're ready," he said.

The three hobbits walked out into the cool November air, heading toward Hobbiton and Bywater. "So, how was Mr. Frodo?" said Sam, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Mr. Pippin darted a glance at Sam, and sighed. "I found him in his study, like I thought I would. He was just sitting there, staring into space, Mellon curled up by his feet. He had his pipe, but he wasn't doing anything with it. I told him where we were going, and he said to have a nice time and say hello to Lilly for him. He didn't mention anything about our talk, though."

"Hmm…" said Mr. Merry thoughtfully.

Sam wondered what that meant. It was a meaningful 'hmm', there was no doubt about it. "What's hmmm, Mr. Merry?"

"Nothing, Sam," said Mr. Merry. "It's about what I expected, though I am surprised he told Pippin to say hello to Lilly."

"Maybe they're friends," said Mr. Pippin.

"Maybe," said Mr. Merry.

But he said nothing else, and they walked the rest of the way to Lilly's home in Bywater in silence. When they reached the house, Pippin knocked on the door since it was his cousin, after all. They heard the sound of footsteps, and then Lilly opened the door. Immediately, her face lit up in delight. "Why, Pippin Took!" she said happily. "When I heard you'd be in town, I'd hope you'd stop by. Come in, come in. You too, Merry and Sam."

Obediently they followed Lilly into the kitchen where she promptly offered them tea and scones. Of course Sam didn't hesitate in accepting, and neither did the other two hobbits. There was nothing better than Mrs. Banks' scones in all the Shire, and no mistake. The four of them made pleasant conversation, until Mr. Merry masterfully stirred the topic over to Mr. Frodo and his obvious sadness. He also mentioned that they'd tried to talk to him about it, but he wouldn't speak of any of it at all. For Lilly's part, she heard Mr. Merry out patiently. When he finally stopped, she began to talk. Sam thought her concerns were aroused just as theirs had. "I would do anything to help Frodo," said Lilly. "I hope you know that. But if I may ask, what leads you to believe that he'll talk to me when he didn't talk to you, his dear friends?"

"We're too close to this whole thing, you know, Lilly," said Mr. Merry. "But you're not. You haven't said the same things over and over about what happened."

Lilly's face crumpled, and she looked like she was trying not to cry. "I'm sorry, Merry, but I don't know. I don't even know what happened."

"So He hasn't said anything?" said Mr. Pippin quietly.

She shook her head. "No, nothing except for something vague about the journey being extremely difficult for him." She raised her hands helplessly. "But I knew that just by looking at him. He's obviously lonely and sad. That's why I gave him Mellon."

"You gave him the cat?" said Mr. Merry. "Brilliant of you, Lilly. She hardly leaves his side- and he doesn't seem to mind it too much either."

She smiled faintly. "I'm glad. I'm glad he has her as a friend."

Sam couldn't help but speak up. "So you'll help us?" he asked.

Lilly sighed, fidgeting with the folds in her dress. Then she met Sam's eyes. "Sam, Merry…dear Pippin," she said. "I will help in any way I can. What do you want me to do?"

"See if you can get him to tell you what happened," said Mr. Merry.

She bit her lip. "I don't think he wants to," she said. "I didn't have the impression it's something he talks about."

Lilly was right about that. "He doesn't, and no mistake, Lilly," said Sam. "He should though. Mr. Frodo's the dearest hobbit in the Shire, but he doesn't always know what's good for him."

"And talking about what happened would help him?" asked Lilly.

It wasn't as if not talking about it was helping Mr. Frodo in the slightest. "Yes, I think it will, Lilly," said Sam. "I think he'd feel better if he did."

Lilly said nothing for a moment, obviously thinking. "All right, let's say he does tell me," she said finally. "What am I supposed to do then?"

Mr. Pippin smiled. "Lilly, dear cousin, I am sure you be fine. You often say exactly what someone needs to hear when they're hurting, and I'm sure the same would be true with Frodo."

"That's kind of you, Pippin," she said, a small smile coming back to her face. "I'll…I'll do what I can when I see him."

"Thank you, Lilly," said Mr. Merry. "In the meantime, will you do something for us?"

Sam darted a glance at Mr. Merry, and he saw Mr. Pippin do the same. He wondered what Mr. Merry was thinking.

The slightest hint of surprise filled Lilly's eyes. "And what's that, Merry?"

"Do you have any suggestions for us?" he said. "To help Frodo, I mean."

She sat back in her chair, her hand fingering the handle of her cup. She said nothing, though Sam was sure she was thinking about his question. "Well, I'm not sure I can say anything you don't know already, Merry," she said at last. "Without all the facts, it's difficult to know exactly what to tell you." She took a sip of her tea. "Yet I feel that no matter what happened, Frodo needs to know what anyone would."

"What's that, Lilly?" said Sam.

She gave him a smile. Oh, she indeed had a pretty smile. He couldn't see how Mr. Frodo couldn't have noticed that. "That you love him, Sam. That no matter where he goes or what he does, you still will always give him your love and support. I understand that he hasn't talked to you about how he feels, but you should let him know that you care and you're always there in case he does. Don't forget that maybe he doesn't talk about it because it hurts too much, and you might have to learn to accept that." She bit her lip again. "You all might think about embracing him when you return and tell him how glad you are that he's your friend because he's….he's a very special hobbit." She laughed faintly. "If he were a girl, I'd say give him flowers, but he's not. But I suppose you could possibly bring him something he might like." Suddenly her face grew thoughtful. "I might have the very thing. Would you wait here? I'll be right back."

The three hobbits exchanged glances, but they still did as Lilly said. They spoke quietly amongst themselves, and from what Sam could tell, Mr. Merry was pleased with her answer. Soon Lilly came back, her cheeks flushed, with something in her hand. "Here, Sam," she said.

Sam took it from her, turning it over in his hands. It was a small, leather-bound blue book. "A book?" He opened it, flipping through it, but he found it was completely blank. "It's empty, Lilly." How could an empty book help Mr. Frodo?

Lilly smiled. "Yes, Sam, it is," she said. "But it is supposed to be."

"A journal," said Mr. Merry, pleased. "Isn't that right, Lilly?"

"Or diary," she said. "But journal does sound...better, doesn't it? Either way, it's intended to be a private place where he can write down his thoughts."

"I think it's a jolly splendid idea," said Mr. Merry. "Frodo does like to write." He reached into his pocket and held out some bills to her.

But she shook her head. "Oh, no, I wouldn't dream of taking your money, Merry. Think of it as a gift."

"That's very generous of you, Lilly. But wouldn't your parents mind?"

"Not at all," she assured him. "They like Frodo. I'm sure they're quite willing to help."

Sam knew that was true. Mr. Frodo had told him about how Mrs. Banks had invited him for tea the last time he'd been here.

"If I may, Lilly," said Mr. Pippin suddenly."Can I ask you why you picked blue? Is that the only color books that you had?"'

She flushed. "No, Pippin, there were other….other colors," she said. "It was just that the color blue reminded me of him."

Mr. Pippin nodded knowingly. "Because his eyes are blue, isn't that right, cousin?"

Now her face turned red, and Sam felt more than a little sympathy for her. Mr. Pippin was obviously teasing her a bit too much. "Yes, I suppose Frodo's eyes are blue," said Lilly mildly.

"Big and blue," said Mr. Pippin. "And don't you think that-…."

"All right, I think that's enough for now, Pip," said Mr. Merry, thankfully ending the torture that had to be this line of questioning for Lilly. After Mr. Merry had cut off Mr. Pippin's pestering, they chatted for a little while longer, and upon Lilly's suggestion, Merry wrote something to Frodo on the first page and then they all signed it. Once they finished and wrapped the book, Mr. Merry stood up, and Sam took that as their cue to leave. He rose to his feet as well, and so did Mr. Pippin. "Thank you for everything, Lilly, but I think we'd better be off."

Lilly looked slightly disappointed, but she masked it well. "All right. Thank you for stopping by. I'll be sure to try and see if I can get him to talk to me."

"Thank you, Lilly," said Mr. Pippin. He gave her a large hug. "And thank you very much for having us."

"You're welcome, Pippin," she said. "Good bye for now."

They all said farewell to Lilly, and set out for Bag End. But Sam did not forget how Mr. Pippin joked at Lilly's expense and he wanted to say something about it. Poor Lilly. She'd looked like she wanted to disappear. Yet it probably wasn't his place. But luckily, it was Mr. Merry who chided Mr. Pippin when they'd put enough distance between them and Lilly's home."You really shouldn't have teased Lilly so much, Pip," he said.

Mr. Pippin stopped in the middle of the road, staring at Mr. Merry. "Why ever not?"

"Because you were embarrassing her," he said. "It was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it."

"Huh," Mr. Pippin said. He suddenly grinned. "But I found out what I wanted to- she obviously noticed his eyes, don't you think, Merry?"

"Begging your pardon, Mr. Pippin," said Sam, finding that he couldn't stay silent any longer. "But any lass in the Shire would notice his eyes. They are big and blue like you said." Mr. Frodo's eyes were something a hobbit lass couldn't miss.

"Well, I still think that she's sweet on him," said Mr. Pippin.

They had reached the door of Bag End, and Sam was glad of it. "I think we are all in agreement on that front, Pip," said Mr. Merry. For a moment, the three friends stared at the door, and Sam was sure that they were all thinking about how Mr. Frodo would be when they saw him.

"There's nothing for it," said Sam practically. "We have to go in eventually."

Mr. Merry and Mr. Pippin nodded, and Sam opened the door. He could only hope that Mr. Frodo would be in a better mood than he had been that morning.

XxXxXxXx

Frodo hadn't moved much since the three hobbits had left. He'd been too lost in thought, Mellon curled up comfortingly by his feet, and he mulled over the conversation he'd had that morning in his mind. Merry, Pippin, and Sam had confronted him, trying to get him to talk about how he felt, and he'd….well, he hadn't done it. He couldn't do it. Remembering it was bad enough, but talking about it? That was even worse. Ir made him hurt deep inside in a way that he couldn't describe. So he'd been somewhat short with them, especially Sam, and he felt rather sorry now. Sam didn't deserve his sharp remarks; he'd been the victim of them far too often. He had to bring in his temper in line, and stop snapping at those who cared about him. Sam had been nothing but kind and supportive to him- had even gone to Mount Doom with him! He needed to apologize to Sam when he returned.

But Sam was still wrong. He was a dear, dear hobbit, but he wasn't right. Not this time. Somehow he thought he knew what it was like to bear the Ring, but he didn't. Frodo knew he'd held it when Sam thought he'd died, but still. It wasn't the months that he carried it, the power of it growing stronger every step of the way, every waking moment becoming more and more like a waking nightmare. Memories of the journey after that point filled his mind. Climbing up the unending stairs of Cirith Ungol, being poisoned by that horrendous Shelob creature, waking up a captive of orcs- Sam rescuing him again from certain death. Escaping the tower only to be nearly caught again. Walking through the unbearable heat of Mordor, attempting somehow to keep going on when he had no energy left to walk or fight the Ring. Finally collapsing on the mountain, and Sam carrying him up it. Standing at the searing fire after the long journey.

And then he'd failed. He'd failed in his task, in his willpower…he'd betrayed the trust that other had placed in him. He'd claimed the Ring as his own, nearly dooming them all.

How could anyone possibly forgive him of that?

Suddenly he heard the sound of footsteps coming toward him- three sets, to be exact. Merry, Pippin, and Sam must have returned. He turned around to see them standing there, Sam with something in his hand. "Hullo, friends," he said with more brightness than he felt. "Did you all have a nice time?"

Relief filled all three of their faces. Obviously, they'd been worried about him. "Yes, indeed, Mr. Frodo," said Sam. "And we have something for you." He held out a small package.

"Something for me?" he said, surprised. "Sam, you didn't have to bring me anything." I surely don't deserve it after my surliness this morning.

"We know we didn't," said Merry. "But we wanted to. It's just a little something to show that we care about you."

He took the package from Sam, thinking that lucky he was to have such kind friends. "Well…thank you," he said softly. "You are the dearest friends that any hobbit could have." He turned it over in his hands.

"What are you waiting for, Frodo?" said Pippin. "Just open it."

He smiled a little at Pippin's impatience. "All right, Pippin." He gently took off the paper to reveal a small blue book. "A book?" He loved books, but he wasn't sure what book it was. It didn't seem to have a title anywhere.

"Look inside," said Merry.

He opened the book to the first page, only to see Merry's familiar script.

To our dear cousin and friend Frodo,

We hope that writing in this book will help you with your memories of the quest. Don't forget that we all love you very much.

From,

Merry Pippin & Sam

He felt deeply touched by his friends' thoughtfulness, and a cold spot deep inside him that had been ever present since he'd come home began to thaw. They'd showered love and kindness on him, and he didn't know how he deserved it. "Thank you, everyone," he said. "This is…." He swallowed hard. "Well, it's so kind of you."

"So you'll use it, Mr. Frodo?" said Sam brightly. "I mean, you'll write in it?"

He didn't want to say no to Sam. "Yes, of course, I'll write in it."

The three hobbits looked pleased, and he smiled back at them. It seemed the least he could do was to journal like they'd asked. But he still had no idea what he'd possibly find to write about.

xXxXxXxxXxXx

From the journal of Frodo Baggins

November 13

This afternoon my dear friends, Sam, Merry, and Pippin presented me with this little blue book, in the hopes that "it will help me with my memories of the Quest." I am unsure as to how that will happen, but I suppose I am willing to at least try it. It seems the least I can do for Merry, Pippin, and Sam- Sam who has very patient with my moods lately. Later Merry told me that this book was also intended to be a private place where I could record my thoughts. He sounded like he was reciting though, and I wondered if perhaps someone else had given them the idea. But I suppose I won't ever know. It is not as if I plan to ask them about it.

I have to confess that I feel odd "recording my thoughts"- as if they were worth much at all. However, I must admit that there is something inviting about the emptiness of this small book that entices me to write. As I flip through its pages, I can't help but wonder what will the blank pages bring, Will there be any changes in my life at all?

November 14

This morning, Pippin, Merry, Sam, and I enjoyed a pleasant time just talking and eating. I'm pleased to write that I didn't say anything snappish either- which is truly splendid considering how I seem to do that despite my best efforts. But I was sorely tried after luncheon when I excused myself to ready for Lilly's lesson. Pippin immediately followed me and started teasing me about it. "Have to primp for your lass, Frodo?" he joked. "Don't worry, I think your hair looks fine."

Honestly. When I have I ever been known to primp? I'd much rather read a book or take a walk- and he jolly well knew that. "She's not my lass, Pippin," I said, in a much pleasant voice than I felt. "And I'm not doing anything with my hair. I'm putting the kettle on if she wants tea, and gathering the books I use to teach her Elvish- because that is why she comes here."

He gave me a skeptical look, and I wished Sam and Merry were here to help. But they'd decided to look at the gardens after they'd finished eating. "Oh, right," said Pippin as he watched me set the kettle on. "I'm sure that's what you do."

That irritated me tremendously, I'm sorry to say, and I said something more sarcastic than I should have. "And what is it that you think we do, Pippin? I whisper sweet nothings in Elvish to her or some other such rot? Sing her an Elvish love ballad?"

Well, that made Pippin hoot with laughter. I immediately regretted my hasty and facetious words."You said it, not me, Frodo," he said between his spurts of laughter.

"Really, Pippin," I muttered. "Stop letting that imagination of yours run away with you."

He opened his mouth to speak again, but luckily I was saved for any further torture by a knock at the door. Pippin instantly started towards it, but I stopped him. "I'll get the door, Pippin," I said firmly. Luckily for me, he let me open the door without any further incident.

Lilly was standing there, as I expected, with that charming characteristic smile of hers on her face- and it doesn't seem to me that much takes her smile away. I sometimes- no, I often- wish my own smile came as easily as hers. "Hullo, Frodo," she said. "Is Pippin still here?"

Of course she would ask about Pip. She had just seen him yesterday, but I wish she hadn't asked about him first. I know it isn't logical, but that is what I felt then. "Unfortunately yes," I mumbled.

Pippin came to the door, and he and Lilly started chatting happily to one another. I don't even remember about what. While they did, I felt a twinge of…something, I can't even now explain what it was. But I was glad when Lilly politely excused herself for the lesson.

Pippin didn't look too displeased about it, though, and he gave me a wink before we went to my study. Honestly, Pip! I usually teach her in the kitchen, but I wasn't about to do it there. There wouldn't be any privacy there, and I was sure that Pippin would probably be there eating again. Besides, the books were there anyway.

Once we reached the study and I was ready to begin, Lilly asked me a completely unexpected question. "Did something happen between you and Pippin, Frodo?"

I don't know how she possibly realized that. Had my face really looked that irritated? "What makes you say that?" I said, pretending like I didn't know what she meant. Between me and the pages of this book, I can be so fake about my feelings sometimes. It drives Sam half-mad, but he can always see through me anyway (he doesn't seem to understand that I don't want to burden him with them). I'm starting to think that Lilly can too.

She shrugged her shoulders. "Oh, I don't know," she said, though I had the impression that she did. "Your…jaw looks very tense."

Almost as soon as the words came out of her mouth, I realized that I had clenched my jaw. How did she notice something that subtle? "Huh, I guess it is," I said. "Well, you know how Pippin is. He likes to tease and sometimes it can be…." I stopped, attempting to find the least offensive word. He was her cousin too, after all.

"Aggravating?" she supplied. "Irritating? Annoying? Exasperating? Frustrating?"

The number of synonyms she'd said was impressive. She's quite a smart hobbit lass. "Yes…."

She suddenly laughed, her eyes sparkling. "My brother Teddy can be like that too," she said. "You know what I learned though?"

"No, what did you learn?" I asked.

"That you can't let it show that they're irritating you," she said firmly. "It's so much more fun if they know that they're getting to you. But if you are calm, maybe they'll stop."

"I never…I suppose I never thought of it that way."

She sighed. "Well, it's very hard to do and I know I still struggle with it. I've had a small break since he's in Buckland, learning carpentry from my brother in law. But…." She looked down, almost as if she were lost in her own thoughts. I wondered what she was thinking. "But if I may ask, what was he teasing you about?"

Oh dear. How was I supposed to answer that? How could I tell her that he was teasing me about having romantic feelings for her? "Oh, Pippin has this funny notion that I do something other than teach you Elvish when you're here."

"But what could you possibly…..?" Her voice trailed off, and she stared at me, eyes wide. "Oh. Pippin somehow thinks there is something romantic happening?"

"Indeed," I answered. "He's quite insistent on it, really. Actually, all three of them have been pestering me to 'find a lass.' Rubbish, don't you think?"

She smiled faintly. "Well, I know you want me to say yes, Frodo," she said. "But I can't. I'm not certain that it is rubbish and I think they have your best interests in mind. They just don't want you to be alone."

"Bilbo was alone for years and years," I muttered, thinking of the long time he'd spent as a bachelor. I didn't remember him telling me that people nagged him to "find a lass." But I….I must admit that I do not relish the thought of being alone forever. Bag End can be quite lonely at times with no one else here.

She studied me, and for not the first time since I've started to teach her, I felt like she could see into my head. Her eyes grew thoughtful, and almost sympathetic- like she'd seen straight through to all the sorrow that weighs heavily on my heart . "You're not like Bilbo, Frodo," was all she said. "Nor has your life been the same as his."

Well, that was enough deep conversation for one day, and so I quickly changed the subject to Elvish verbs. Lilly's picking it all up quite well, I think. It's interesting to me, because she seems to struggle with whatever I tell her. But the next week she's mastered it. Perhaps she studies at home. I know I studied for hours when Bilbo first began to teach me.

Yet as I taught her, I have to admit that my mind kept straying to her words. You're not like Bilbo.

I'd like to deny what she said, and argue that I am like my dear uncle, that I love going off into the blue, and have adventure after adventure.

But the truth is I'm not. My own adventure turned out to be something quite different than I'd imagined. It was no treasure hunt like Bilbo's, no lark, no hobbit walking-party, no quick there and back again journey. It was more like flying from one deadly peril to another, even more deadly peril and constantly being hunted, wounded, and tortured. The road grew more difficult and treacherous with every step we took. I can't recall too many moments when I wasn't wishing that I was home again.

No, I am indeed not like Bilbo, and I even told him so back at Rivendell when I was already ready for home. I wondered then if he understood. I wonder even now.

It amazes me that Lilly somehow realized that, though I have been given the same reputation as the "Cracked Baggins", I am not the same as he. Maybe Lilly is right about my friends, but it isn't as if I haven't been alone for years already (Did she not remember that, as dear as Bilbo is to me, I haven't had a "true" family since I was 12?). She reminds me of someone, though I am not quite certain who it is. In any case, I'm getting rather sidetracked. Lilly left shortly before dinner and once she had, I was nearly assaulted with teasing again- and of course it was by Pippin. "So, how was your lass, Frodo?" Pippin said to me, with that mischievous gleam in his eye.

"She's not my lass, Pippin," I said patiently. I felt mildly irritated, but I tried to do as Lilly suggested and not show it.

"Ah, yes, but do you want her to be?" he said, laughing.

Luckily, I was saved from answering by Sam. "Now, now, Mr. Pippin, leave Mr. Frodo alone," he said.

"Thank you, Sam," I said gratefully. And that was the end of that conversation, which suited me just fine. However, since no one will ever read this, I can ponder his comments more fully if I choose to- and somehow I do.

Would I want Lilly to be my lass?

I must confess that if I were looking (which I am not; there is no doubt there) Lilly likely would be thesort of girl that I would want- she's exceptionally kind, caring, intelligent…even likes Elves! She has this special way about her that makes me feel at ease. Since this for my eyes only, I can admit that she is pretty too, with that curly brown hair and those big green eyes that are just like the grass of the Shire. She is…beautiful.

Yet in the event that I would let myself fall in love with her (which I will not), I could never ask her to share my life with me. How could I possibly, in good conscience, do that when I know what it would mean for her? She'd be eternally bound to the broken and wounded hobbit that I am. How could that possibly be fair to her?

It wouldn't be. I suppose I could try explaining this to Merry, Pippin, and Sam and perhaps they'd cease their teasing if I did.

But my heart tells me that somehow they would not understand.

Later that night-

A few moments ago I realized who Lilly reminds me of-my mother. She has the same kindness and gentleness that Mum did, but also the same perception as her too. Mum never missed a thing when it came to her son or her husband. She always knew when either of us were sad, and what to say to cheer both of us up. Perhaps that is why I feel so at ease with Lilly. I don't know. Thinking about Mum too much still saddens my heart, even years later. Dearest Mum. You were taken from me much too soon.

I just flipped through the pages of this book and realized that I used up 7 pages already. I suppose that my friends were right to give me this journal. Writing my thoughts here somehow clears my head. It's almost as if once I write it down here, it's not as burdensome on my mind. Who would have thought?

November 16

A sad day today. Merry and Pippin left for home this morning. Sam and I saw them off, and I was glad he was there with me when we walked back to Bag End. I felt lonely enough already now that they are gone, and it was a grand help to remember that Sam isn't going anywhere. I don't know how I'd bear it if he left somehow too.

Bag End will feel so much quieter without them. There'll be no Pippin singing some jolly drinking song, no Merry talking about what he'd like to do to improve Buckland. When we finally reached home, Sam and I just sat for a while in the kitchen, both missing them in silence- and it was even more noticeable then since they'd just left.

"You know they'll come back, Mr. Frodo," Sam said to me. "And in the meantime you have me and Mellon lookin' after you. Sure and Lilly will come around on Tuesdays too, sir. "

Sam is right, of course, but knowing that doesn't ease my sadness at their departure. I know that we had some tense times (especially with Pippin), but I wish they were still here. I love them, as my cousins and as my friends. I appreciate their help and support more than I could ever say.

Dear Merry and Pippin. May you find a safe road back to your homes.

Until we meet again, my beloved hobbits.

AN: thank you very much to those who are reading, and to those who are reviewing. I appreciate your support very much. I hope you liked this chapter. The tile is a small reference to one of the chapters in the Fellowship of the Ring, "A Shortcut to Mushrooms."

thank you to ladyinblack for your suppot!