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Hardest Part

BETWEEN THEN AND THE TIME NAHUEL WAS DUE TO ARRIVE, THE REST OF THE WOLVES left and reformed their circle around the house. Because they would likely pick up Nahuel's scent and not know that it was him, Edward went to stand with them so that he could help detect if it was Nahuel or an intruder.

Everyone else, except from me, was in and out of the house. Claire came over and not long after Abi and Eli decided to visit too. With them being humans, they had no reason to leave me to help guard the house, which was sort of helpful. The four of us were in my room; it made it easier to tolerate the uneven presence of the other members of the household.

"I still can't believe you're going through with this." said Claire, lying back on my bed. I sat tightly crossed legged on a pillow and leant against the headboard, whilst Abi lounged next to me and Eli perched on the edge.

"Claire-" I sighed, "-I don't have any other choice-"

"That's bull, Renesmee." She snapped. "There's always another choice."

"Then feel free to share any bright ideas – the only other option would be for your husband to help protect me for the rest of my life. Do you want that instead?"

"No!"

"Then what else to you expect us to do?"

"I don't know! I'm not like you-"

"You don't have to be to have a brain and little imagination-"

"Stop it!" snapped Abi. "Will you two please stop fighting?"

The room went silent then. Claire sat up and sighed and then looked at me with shimmering eyes.

"Renesmee-"she said, her voice shaking. "I've been hoping that you would back out before now, but you're still going through with this." She paused and took a deep breath. "You're my best friend, Renesmee. I don't want to lose you, but you are setting yourself up for a disaster and you know it."

"Claire, please-"begged Abi. "She's going through a rough time right now-"

"Abi she will die." Claire barked. "That thing will kill her-!"

"That thing just so happens to be exactly like me!"

"Exactly and look what damage you did!"

I managed to control myself to say nothing and to not even give Claire a look that could kill.

Abi was silent at first but soon let out a quiet whimper and looked straight at me.

"You never told me that."

Claire scoffed. "How do you think her mom ended up the way she is?"

"Because she wanted it?" asked Eli.

"No. Because she had a baby with a vampire, she had a hybrid, she was pregnant with Renesmee. When she was born, Bella was inches from death if not there already. They had no choice but to turn her. Renesmee was killing her from the inside out and that is exactly what it's going to do to you."

"No it's not, Claire-"

"Yes it is! Stop convincing yourself that you'll be alright. You may be strong on the outside Renesmee, but on the inside you're as human as us – get over it."

"Claire-"

"And what if it isn't just a hybrid, Renesmee? – What if it gets both vampire genes? You'll be dead in days, not weeks, days. Yeah, I talked to Carlisle, I wanted to know exactly what my reckless best friend was getting herself into this time. Y'know, I thought I'd seen it all from you but clearly, I hadn't. Congratulations Renesmee, you've really outdone yourself this time-"

"Just shut up, Claire!" I finally yelled.

Springing from my bed, I left my room and just like I wanted, Claire quickly followed. When I knew I had her attention, I sped to the front door and held it open for her. My heart was racing, my anger fuming and tears threatening in my eyes.

Finally, she joined me at the door, followed by Abi and Eli.

"What are you d-"

"Get out."

She just stared at me, stunned. "W-what?"

"Get out."

Those who were in the house now had started to join us from various rooms, Carlisle being one of them; he wanted to be here when Nahuel arrived.

"Why-?"

"Because I am sick of all this negative crap. I am sick of being told repeatedly that I am going to die. I am sick of being called an idiot, not thinking straight, suicidal, 'not knowing what the hell I'm doing' – you name something negative and I'm pretty sure it's been said. So, I'm done. You can either get out on your own or I will physically kick you out Claire, it's up to you but make it snappy – I haven't got all day, in fact, according to you and pretty much everyone else here, I haven't got long at all."

Her face was still stunned and the anger that had been on her face in my room wasn't so visible anymore.

"You've never kicked me out of your house before." She said quietly, she stood there with her head slightly down I knew that her tail was in between her legs now.

"Congratulations on your first time of being kicked out of my house, it'll be your last too – don't bother coming back."

We stood there in silence for a long time and I was getting more frustrated by the second. Eventually Claire left, but not before taking a breath and saying:

"You're dead to me." And she slammed the front door behind her. I flinched at the bang but didn't run after her, I didn't even watch as she got in her car and her tires screeched as she sped away.

Everything that I was about to put myself through was finally getting to me, so I said quietly:

"Anyone who feels the same can leave too." I didn't even wait to see who listened, I turned to the stairs – but that hadn't been enough time.

"Running away from me already?" the front door opened and Nahuel's voice filled my ears.

Damn.

When I turned to him, I put on a fake smile.

"Nahuel!" I smiled and threw my arms around him.

"Wow, look at you-"he smiled as I stepped back, "You're glowing."

"Not for much longer." Jacob mumbled as he walked through the front door, followed by Edward and his pack. I ignored his comment with great effort and even saw Abi out the corner of my eye give him a warning glare.

"Where's Claire?" asked Quil. "I thought she was here?"

I didn't answer, but luckily Abi did,

"She was here, until her and Renesmee had a little disagreement."

"I think little is an understatement." Eli confirmed.

"What happened?" Quil asked, looking back at me. Again, I didn't answer – so Abi did.

"Claire kept telling Renesmee that she's going to die and just after Renesmee kicked her out she also told her that, quote: "You're dead to me." And then she left and I think Renesmee was about to either scream, cry or kill something but then you guys walked in."

Quil was about to turn to the door, but Jacob grabbed his arm.

"You can deal with her later." said Jacob.

"So you can still be with Renesmee, but when Claire has a problem – that's out of the question?"

"The situation with Renesmee and the situation with Claire are very different."

"But Claire's upset-"

"But Renesmee may not have much longer to live."

Nahuel turned to them.

"You talk like that in front of Renesmee?" he asked him, looking highly unimpressed.

"Don't worry," I cut in. "I've heard it so much now that I practically can't hear it anymore."

"That doesn't make it right." he insisted. "I think what you're doing is brave, reckless, but brave."

"To be honest, that's the nicest way anyone's put it to me - so thank you." I smiled. "And thank you for doing this, I know it's a hell of a lot to ask-" Nahuel cut me off with his hands.

"Don't worry about it. The other hybrids aren't like us - they're not as civilized. We can't risk losing you to them, so whatever it takes I will help to the best of my ability to keep the sane hybrids alive."

Carlisle stepped forward then. "It's good to see you Nahuel, how are you?"

"I'm fine, it's good to see you too."

"Could I have a quick word with you? - in my office" he asked, gesturing his hand to the other room. Nahuel nodded and followed his hand.

"So, that's Nahuel?" asked Abi, joining my side.

I sighed "Yup, what do you think?"

"Unsurprisingly attractive." she grinned, "Are they all attractive?"

I smiled and put an arm around her. "You're in my good books now. But how should I know? I've only met one."

I went to sit on one of the couches and hooked my hands together under my leg. I wanted to try to listen to Nahuel and Carlisle's conversation, but there was a part of me that was reluctant to. What if Carlisle knew my survival chances? - What if it was 50:50? What if it was less than that?

I didn't want to die. I was so sure that I wouldn't die.

"Having second thoughts yet?" asked Jacob, sitting on the couch opposite me.

"Jake, just stop it." I snapped. "I'm not having second thoughts and Nahuel is here now so you can stop trying to change my mind - I'm not sending him home."

"Do you hear yourself? You don't know what you're getting yourself into-"

"Y'know, you keep talking about me getting myself killed and that this will probably kill me. If it does then surely you don't want to spend the rest of my short life biting my head off? So either you're being an ass and making the rest of my life miserable by hating me or you do believe that I can survive this and will just hate me until the baby is born."

"No, I'm trying to get you to change your mind-"

"By hating me?"

"Ness, I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

"Then why do I feel like I'm constantly walking on egg shells with you. One moment you're normal the next you're treating me like I'm your worst nightmare. I can't keep bouncing backwards and forwards depending on your mood Jacob. So pick a mood and stick with it."

"I'm doing this because I love you-"

"So you're pushing me away because you love me?"

"I'm not pushing you away." He sighed. "What do I have to do? What do I have to say to you to make you reconsider? Are you going through some kind of motherly maternal phase? – is that what this is about? Cos' if it is we can… we can work something out-"

"Jacob it has nothing to do with hormones. It has everything to do with me trying to live so that I don't have to watch my back everywhere I go. I'm trying to stop everyone having to focus their attention round me for the rest of my life as they protect me. I'm trying to stop someone like you from doing something stupid if I was found and taken by the hybrids. I'm risking one life to save many rather than risking many lives to save one. And yes, I do hear myself and it sounds perfectly logical. I know that I don't have the greatest reputation with bright ideas but I do know what I'm doing. I was once that hybrid inside my mother, I know how it will think, I know what I'm doing." I stood up and went to sit next to him.

"But a little support would be nice, I've had barely any."

After a few minutes he looked me straight in the eyes and sighed.

"Fine, I won't try to change your mind anymore on one condition."

"We're doing conditions now?" I grinned - he didn't smile, so I pulled a straight face again. I sighed, "Alright."

"As soon as it starts to hurt you, you say nothing and we kill it-"

"Jake, I don't think-"

"I won't let it hurt you. If you're right and it turns out to not be that bad then you shouldn't have anything to worry about." He grinned then, but my face stayed straight, my lips even saddened a little. "Not so cocky now, are you?"

"Fine, if it shows harm then you can do whatever you want." I sighed "Deal.". Jacob put his arm around me and we leant back, nestling into the cushions. I rested my forehead against his chin and held onto him. He hadn't held me that tightly since the night before but it was the first time in ages since he'd held me like that without feeling as if he had to. It was genuine this time and it sent warm buzz through me, coated in guilt.

Tonight, damn it.

I sat in my room with Jacob and watched as the afternoon stretched out and then whilst twilight came and died in night. Nahuel and I would have the house to ourselves for tonight. My family were taking Annabel hunting and the wolves were doing their general circling around the house. As night grew, so did the sick feeling in my stomach. It had gotten to the point where I started trembling. Unfortunately, my trembling didn't go unnoticed by Jacob.

"Are you cold?" he asked, confused as to why I should be cold considering I'd been in his arms the last god knows how many hours.

I shook my head. "No, I'm just a little nervous about tonight. I wish I didn't have to do this with Nahuel, I feel guiltier about sleeping with him than what I did by nearly marrying Leonardo." And ain't that the truth! I'd never felt so much guilt before in my life.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you that I don't mind?" he asked.

"Only if I knew you meant it."

"Oh, I can't help you then." He chuckled. I rested my head on his chest.

"Just make sure you're not within hearing distance. It would reassure me that you're not listening in."

"Why the hell would I listen?"

"I don't know - some sick fascination?"

"I won't listen in, don't worry. But I'll be over first thing in the morning, is that alright for you?"

"That's perfect and Jacob-?"

"Mm?"

"I'm so, so, truly, deeply, eternally sorry for everything that happens tonight. You know that don't you?"

He kissed my head. "I know. Just do me one favor? – try not to enjoy it too much. Annabel was telling me about hybrid vampire chemicals and stuff."

"What chemicals?"

He sighed, already wishing he hadn't said anything. "Apparently there's some kind of genetic chemical stuff that causes some kind of magnetism between two hybrid vampires. I don't know – I asked her to stop talking. She was trying to reassure me into thinking that you wouldn't be in discomfort or anything."

"I see." I could hear my family preparing themselves to leave downstairs. "Well, don't worry. I can assure you that I won't enjoy myself at all." No offence to Nahuel.

"Great." Jacob sighed and stood up, I stood with him. "I'd better leave you two in pea-" he couldn't even finish his sentence he disagreed with the whole thing too much. "One other little favor – if he hurts you, make him stop. Don't wait it out, get him away from you. Okay?"

"Jacob don't worry-"I put my hands to his face. "This time in an hour we'll be done and be watching TV whilst drinking a mug of O-Negative. Feel better?"

"Only a little." And he pulled me in for a long, passionate kiss. Admittedly the 'being done in an hour' and 'O-Negative' stuff was more or less reassurance for me. In reality, it would probably take me the next hour to get the courage to leave the bathroom.

I had hoped that the kiss would help me, but it made me feel worse. But as long as it helped Jacob, that was all that mattered to me. I didn't care what I would feel.

After a few minutes, I led Jacob downstairs where he was meant to leave with my family and then rejoin his pack about a mile or so away from the house. Nahuel was perched on the edge of a couch in the living room whilst everyone was stood and ready. Ryan and Annabel were down there as well, waiting. Ryan would separate from Annabel with Jake and join the wolves.

"We'll be back in the morning." Carlisle told me as the others left. "Good luck." And they were all gone.

And so the nauseous feeling came back. Nahuel came to me from behind and put a hand on my back.

"I won't be offended if you've changed your mind." He assured me. "But if you haven't, I promise you – and I promised your wolf- that I'll try and make sure that you don't wake up tomorrow morning paralyzed in guilt. Tonight isn't about emotions or expressing feelings, it's purely a favor and trying to save your life."

"It's ironic, isn't it?" I scoffed. "That to save my life, I have to possibly lose my life."

"It is excruciatingly ironic." he admitted. "But I know this is a difficult decision to make. Just so you know, tonight I will bend to your will. Whatever makes you comfortable, I don't want this to cause you any discomfort."

"Thank you, that's surprisingly reassuring. But, no offense, I just want to get this part over with."

He held his hands up, "Completely understood - please, lead the way."

I was almost stunned by how good he was being about this. A lot of the things I was requesting I would have generally taken offensively - but not Nahuel.

I did what he asked and led him to my room.

"It's probably changed a bit since you were last here." I told him as I walked into the room. It was pitch black now so I hurried over to my night stand and flicked the small light on. As Nahuel looked around to admire my room, so did I. It was then I realize how bland my walls were. I didn't posses any framed photos and hadn't even hung any of my own paintings up.

"It's a lot less girly than what I was expecting." he admitted, looking into my dark bathroom "As well as a lot less vamp."

I snorted and walked over to him.

"Were you expecting a double pink coffin with fluffy lining?" I asked. "I don't sleep alone y'know."

He laughed. "I gathered that. I was just expecting maybe a cuddly toy, some makeup and the odd poster of an overrated celebrity, that's all."

"Not really my thing, I prefer simplicity."

He turned to me. "Ironic for someone with such character." I noticed how he was starting to get uncomfortably close.

I drew a sharp breath. "Is it okay if I just have a few moments?"

"Of course. Take your time." he smiled charmingly and walked past me to my bed.

I didn't linger.

I shut myself in my bathroom and leant against the door taking in deep breaths. I started to hyperventilate.

I couldn't do it.

For a short moment it seemed like maybe it wouldn't be too bad, but then Nahuel had to make that quick move which eliminated all the confidence I'd had. I stumbled over to the sink and dipped my head whilst flicking on the light and waiting for the churning in my stomach to go away.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a faint green flash across my face.

"Breathe." I whispered to myself. "Breathe."

In a panic I turned the cold tap on and rinsed my clammy hands under the cool water. My hands were shaking like crazy and I yanked them away from the water. In the mirror I checked to see if my face was now a sick green – it wasn't, but my bottom lip was quivering.

I turned to look at myself in the full length mirror behind my door - my knees were shaking too. My legs and arms wouldn't stop shaking any time soon, I knew that much. So, I had no other choice than to carry on.

Gently, I stripped down. I had never removed my clothes so nervously before.

Minutes later, I stood naked in front of the mirror with shaking bare legs. I turned to face the mirror at my sink again and dipped my head towards the bowl.

"Don't throw up, Renesmee." I whined quietly. Looking at the full length mirror out the corner of my eye I saw the bite scar on the back of my leg that I got from Lauren a year ago and various other bite wounds that were to follow after.

When I properly looked at it, I stopped shaking.

At the time I got that scar, I was showing my weaker side, I had given in to my weakness.

My biggest weakness was Jacob. It was because of Jacob that I was scared right now, I was scared of how much I was hurting him. But every time I gave in to my weakness, things ended badly.

When Lauren threatened to hurt Jacob, I gave in and nearly lost my arm.

When Lauren implied that Jacob was dead, I gave in and nearly lost my life.

Now when I was about to betray Jacob, if I gave in both Jacob and I could lose our lives. We could die trying to save each other from the consequence of tonight not happening.

I had to do this.

I stood away from the sink and opened the bathroom door, confidently walking out with my bare body. Nahuel was only semi naked. He was sat, perched on the edge of my bed. When he saw me he stood up and was quickly taken aback by my lack of clothing.

"Wow, I wasn't expecting you to come out like this." He admitted.

"I told you I wanted to get this over with and that's exactly what I'm doing." I was in front of him in a fraction of a second and was urging him to do the same.

"I can't believe I'm doing this." I laughed dryly. Nahuel held my chin and lifted it to him.

"Are you sure?" he asked. When he said that, I was immediately reminded of my first time with Jacob. He asked me that exact same question. Of course, then I had no doubts in my mind of what I wanted, there was no guilt, no betrayal. Life was sweet then, even if I had nearly lost my arm an hour before.

"I have to do this." I told him and after that, everything regretfully fell into place.

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