CHAPTER FOUR

"You will always fall in love, and it will always be like having your throat cut, just that fast."

― Catherynne M. Valente

March, 1938

The sun was setting outside and the lights of Rendez-vous were on, setting a mellow feel to the place as more patrons began to enter, looking to the cheap alcohol and warm food to ease their weary bodies after a day of non-stop working. Addy was one of the patrons at the bar, nibbling on some of the complimentary peanuts and sipping on a glass of water as she waited for James to arrive.

Gladys, one of the other waitresses who did the night shift more regularly, was working at the bar with Alice. Though, because of a lack of customers, she wasn't actually working, she was instead updating Addy on her life and all of it's going ons. The caramel haired bar waitress did end up clamping her mouth shut momentarily as the bell of the door jingled and another customer entered the bar. She seemed quite enthralled by whoever entered, not enough to keep her speechless for long though (it would probably take an apocalypse to make the girl lose her words). "Please tell me he's a new regular," she inquired huskily, eyes fixed on the customer, almost like she was hypnotised.

Curious, Addy turned around, not especially surprised to see that it was Bucky her work friend had been talking about. It was hard to deny that James was very handsome, with the kind of face that would stop everyone in their tracks. She supposed that he would have been used to the sudden pause in every room he stepped in. It didn't help that he was so modest with it, it made everyone fall for him even more.

Yet despite all the opportunity that would come his way, he'd always been a one-woman man, and in that moment, all he prized was a scruffy-haired strawberry blonde who prized genuine personalities and thoughtful conversation above lipstick and high heels.

Sure, on the outside James Buchanan Barnes was a very handsome man, but on the inside he was beautiful, and that was all Addy was able to see.

Bucky didn't waste any time as he approached Addy, the smile on his face a lot easier to form when it came to her. "You ready to go?"

"Yes, she is," Alice answered for the strawberry blonde, doing her part to make sure that she didn't make up an excuse to get out of the date.

"Great," he responded, eyes fixed only on Addy, even as he revealed that in the hand he'd been keeping behind his back a bouquet of daisies. The strawberry blonde reached out and accepted them slowly, clearly apprehensive despite there being no reason to be.

Alice was observing the interaction with a pleased expression whilst Gladys' eyes were dancing between the three people that surrounded her, waiting for some sort of explanation, which she for some reason felt she was owed. Addy didn't have male companions, hell, the strawberry blonde didn't really have any companions, so it made no sense as to why a very handsome gentleman was offering her flowers. Bucky surprised the three girls even further as he plucked a flower from the bouquet and placed it behind Addy's ear. For Alice and Gladys it was just a romantic gesture, but for Addy it was so much more.

It was proof that the man in front of her was still the kid she'd met all those years ago. He'd grown up and gotten attractive but he was still that kind-hearted child who'd done everything he could to put a smile on her face.

After that precious moment he politely whisked her away from her friends - not bumping into the wall that time as he left - Addy had managed to look towards Alice and relay with just a glance that her entire body was being frazzled by nerves like static from a balloon permanently skimming her body, but the bar owner had gestured with her hands for the strawberry blonde to leave, to exit the bar and go on the not-date, to steel her courage and journey forward, to experience something phenomenal for the first time because that was exactly what Bucky was: phenomenal.

Together they made a short trip through the city toward the movie theatre. To fill in the time they had, they discussed simple and ordinary things like work and what they'd had for lunch. It was still easy for her to talk to him, to feel like her soul was welcomed by his, despite the fact that they'd really only known each other for the entirety of two days.

"I was thinking we could go see 'Jezebel', I hear it's really good," Bucky recommended as they joined the end of the line.

"A romance?" Her voice raised a pitch.

The change in tone had Bucky looking over towards her suspiciously, "yeah, is that okay?"

"Y-Yeah, James, it's fine," she threw out the words quickly, doing nothing but making the brunette even more wary which was the complete opposite of her intent.

"Call me Bucky," he said first, wanting her to know that he'd prefer it, thinking that she might have been calling him by his first name just to be polite when in reality he would have preferred the opposite. But even with James' permission, Addy still felt uncomfortable with referring to him by his nickname, it implied a certain closeness she wasn't sure she wanted yet, despite it already being there in full force. "And it's fine if you want to see something else, I'd prefer it if you were honest with me, this date is meant to be enjoyable for the both of us."

Date. The word had finally been used and Addy found herself drowning in a large number of emotions that were too hard to read, the nervousness was a familiar friend, but there were other things there too, one that could have even been defined as a certain kind of joy.

"I'm sorry, James-"

"Bucky," he reminded her.

"I'm sorry, I'm just not a big romance fan, I don't really believe in love and all that sort of stuff," Addy explained, deciding to skip over his name altogether as she still didn't want to call him by his nickname. 'My friends called me Bucky', that was what he'd said, but were they friends? Were they anything other than two people who had lost the opportunity to have a life together ten years ago?

Whilst she was thinking over that, the thoughts whizzing around Bucky's mind were all circulating the fact that Addy had admitted to not believing in love. He didn't know such a thing was possible. Love was everywhere, literally everywhere, so how someone could deny it was lost on him entirely. It was definitely something he wanted to explore more but he didn't want to bombard her with such a deep question on the first date, his only mission at that point was making sure that she was comfortable with him, that was what would give him more opportunities to talk with her about the strange views she has on love. Who knows, he thought to himself, he might even be able to change those ideals. "Well I think there's a comedy on show as well," he informed her.

"A comedy sounds good," she replied, the strawberry blonde sounding so much more relieved by the second option he'd given her. It was half because of that, the other half belonging to the fact that he hadn't tried to dig further into her unique views on romance and love.

"Good," he repeated her last words, once again displaying an easiness she was jealous of him for having. It was one of the things that made him even more attractive, the fact that he could be comfortable around everyone. The difference between Addy and Bucky though, was that if things did get unbearably uncomfortable, he could actually defend himself.

The line moved forward and they got their tickets to go see the latest comedy in the cinema, they chose a seat in the middle, Bucky actually being quite tactful with his seating as it was the back of the cinema where couples normally went and he didn't want her questioning his intentions any more than she already had, and most likely still was.

Seeing a comedy turned out to be a much better idea than a romance, it allowed both of them to have a fun time without anything turning uncomfortable. No overly dramatic romance scenes were played, nothing that would make them sit further apart. It was just a nice experience. They laughed together, made their own little jokes about certain things in the movie, and more importantly Addy was able to get more used to his presence.

He didn't put his arm around her shoulder - though he'd been tempted to - and he didn't try and make any sort of movement other than offering her popcorn which she'd gladly accepted. And though it felt strange, Bucky couldn't help himself from thinking that the cinema trip was the best date he'd ever had. There were no expectations for him to make a move, for him to take initiative and ignore the movie to go out of his way to entertain her with charm and actions. She wanted to be there with him and she wanted to watch the movie, she didn't want him, she wanted his company. And Addy was actually funny, that made things ten times better. Everything she said to him in regards to the movie had him laughing, sometimes getting out of him a louder chuckle than the film managed to get.

Both of them were actually surprised when the movie ended as they'd been in the middle of a conversation discussing the main actor's moustache. The lights above came on and both of them looked up in surprise, then looking towards each other and realising that both of them hadn't realised he movie had been nearing its end, which led them to laugh together once again. The only two out of everyone else in the movie theatre laughing after the movie finished. They also ended up being the last ones to leave, intentionally taking their time with putting their coats back on, Addy adding to the time by wrapping her unnecessary scarf around her neck.

As they exited the theatre, anyone that saw them did not assume they were on a date. A great deal of space was being maintained between them, enough to imply that they were actually strangers. Yet Bucky was looking at her with such a wholesome smile and adoring eyes that it confused the entire image.

"Well, that was pretty nice," Bucky commented positively as they paused outside the doorway, trying to stay out of the way. "Want to go for a meal next?" He gestured up the street towards where most of the more popular (and more expensive) restaurants were.

Slowly Addy began to shake her head, reluctant to tell him 'no'. "Actually, it's getting pretty late-"

His face fell like an avalanche of snow falling from the side of a mountain. "Oh," he muttered dejectedly, looking to the floor and placing his hands inside his pockets, it was clear to Addy that her unfinished words had affected him negatively.

"Careful, you almost sound disappointed," Addy attempted to joke, forcing her voice to turn as light as a small bell chiming.

"That's because I am," he confessed, staring her straight in the eyes and not pretending to be feeling anything other than disappointment over the fact that their time together was ending so abruptly.

Addy felt her heart do that thing again where it transformed into some sort of magical stone that threw itself rampantly all around her body, tackling the cavity of her chest, shaking the bones of her body, choking the back of her throat, all because she couldn't handle the revelation that he'd actually quite enjoyed his time with her and wanted to pursue more with her. It made her want to smile as wide as Bucky normally did, but her body was incapable of doing so, so instead the curve of her lips was small and shy, endearing in Bucky's eyes, but there was an additional bit of spice to it that he hadn't failed to notice.

"Well if you'd have let me finish my sentence," she began, immediately bringing Bucky a glint of hope and she certainly didn't disappoint, "I was going to say: 'it's pretty late and I was hoping to show you something'."

His entire body rose up slightly, as though the news had caused his body to ripen. "Oh," he sounded once more, that time his voice lifting into a heavenly happiness. Addy imagined in her head that if he was a dog than his tail would be wagging madly behind him.

It was that image and James' enlivened behaviour which tugged from Addy's heart a giggle, the sound being music to his ears. She rolled her eyes, trying to disguise the enjoyment she was getting from his theatrical behaviour. "Follow me, Meatball," she ordered without any actual demand in her tone, but Bucky still followed.

They maintained the same amount of distance between them the entire walk down the streets, neither moving to hold one another's hands or even just brush shoulders, instead they continued to bond through light jokes and simple conversations which also helped with keeping Bucky distracted whilst Addy guided him down familiar streets. Eventually she stopped and turned left, entering one of the skyscrapers through a front entrance which required a key to get through. He was too involved in the conversation they were having about what kind of pasta was the best for eating to notice exactly where they were, passionately talking away about how he refused to ever eat pasta shaped like a shell as they were far too inconveniently designed.

He continued to be none the wiser as they climbed step after step, floor after floor. Addy found herself trying her best to not show how completely and utterly breathless she was after just two floors, whereas James was only breathing a little bit quicker as he ranted on about pasta and their sometimes frustratingly bothersome shapes.

Addy nodded her head after every sentence he said despite not truly paying attention to his words. She'd started to get nervous, thinking up all possible reasons for why her surprise would only disappoint him. He hadn't seemed to realise where they even were, which made her believe that he wouldn't remember what she was about to show him at all.

It wasn't until they were half way through the comedy movie that she'd decided to take him to that particular location. The idea had loomed over her head for quite a while, first appearing after he'd asked her to go out with him, Addy had been quick to turn down the idea because she wasn't sure if she trusted him the same way she'd trusted his former twelve-year-old self. She didn't know if he still possessed all the great qualities his younger self had or if he'd grown to become someone else entirely.

But through the date he had been nothing but sweet, just like his younger self had been all those years ago, offering out kindness like a bird let out its song. It was still locked in his nature, as was his constantly positive outlook on life. There were obvious differences, his humour had aged with him and he'd clearly figured out how to use that charming smile of his, but, unlike how she'd expected, none of that took away from the fact that he was still James Buchanan Barnes. His unchanging personality meant more than it would to most after a childhood dealing with her mother's constant switching. It made her trust him a little bit more, enough to abandon all of her doubts and give him her surprise.

Bucky didn't actually shut up until she did open the door and the two stepped onto the rooftop. It certainly wasn't what one would expect from a rooftop.

Even though it was night, the shading of green was overwhelming, the green painting every possible corner, matched with a bombardment of colour peeking through. It was like he'd entered one of the most beautiful forests in existence rather than an average New York rooftop. But beneath the woodland aesthetic there was definitely something familiar about the layout and the skyline across from him. He swiftly turned his head back to face her, his mouth dropped open but even then his smile was clear and it brought Addy a special kind of joy because she'd actually managed to do a good surprise. "Wait, is this? No… is it?"

Another giggle was released from her lips, something she'd only been able to muster in James' presence, and then she nodded her head to confirm what jumbled words he'd managed to say through his astonishment. "This is the building we hid on, and this is obviously our roof." A blush appeared on her cheeks as she used the word 'our' when referring to the roof, but it would have felt wrong calling it anything else.

"Wow," he mumbled, the simple word the only thing he could think of that would encapsulate the not-so-simple awe he was feeling in that moment, "this is beautiful."

"Thank you, it was hard work getting to this," she gestured to the lantern-filled forest, "from what it once was, but I think it's going pretty well, I moved in three years ago and I'm still not done." She pointed behind her to where there were a collection of empty vases of differing sizes, waiting for flowers to make them their home. They'd all been guilty purchases and part of the reason why she'd had to do the night shift to get more money, she'd bought them as soon as she saw them, not out of necessity, but because she'd known immediately that they'd be perfect for her garden.

"Wait, what?" James looked at the vases for only a moment before flickering his eyes back to the forest and then to Addy, repeating the movement five more times. "Y- You live here now? And this, you did all of this?" The strawberry blonde nodded her head proudly, her dignity swelling as Bucky continued to display his astonishment. "This is amazing!"

"I put a lot of heart and soul into it," she replied, grateful that Bucky was so pleased by her project.

"And love?" He added, and though his words were meant to be a little joke, it was the one thing that struck her deeply.

Immediately she tried to move on, avoiding his eyes and walking past him towards a small table with two chairs at the side of it, from the top of the painted white table she plucked a small object, turning back to the brunette and offering it to him. "This is yours I believe." James took the object from her hand, examining it in the dim light gifted from the lanterns scattered about. It took him a few moments before realising that in his hands he was holding what was once his wallet. Addy had kept it with her ever since she'd stolen it, never using the money inside as the guilt had been too much for her to bear, the guilt that had screamed at her that she was behaving as her mother would. She'd always intended to return it, even when she'd lost hope of ever seeing James again, she'd never thrown it away in case she did get to return it.

He released a strange sounding laugh and though Addy had thought that he would be happy, the laugh was implying more than just disbelief. "What?"

"I, uh, I brought you something too," he revealed, reaching into his jacket and pulling from it another familiar object for one of them.

"Bartholomew!" Addy yelled, practically snatching it from Bucky's hand and immediately holding it to her chest. Her childhood self made an appearance as she looked down at the bear with a dazzling gaze, overjoyed to be reunited with the one thing that had kept her feeling a little less lonely as a child whenever mother disappeared, either to a bar or to somewhere in their tiny apartment with a bottle of red wine.

"Your suitcase was left in the alleyway so I took it home, thinking that I'd see you again sooner rather than later. I threw the clothes away eventually because I knew they wouldn't fit anymore and it just felt weird having clothes for a small girl in my wardrobe, but I did keep the bear." He wasn't even sure if she was actually listening to him talk, too busy cuddling the teddy bear as close to her as she could. He shut his mouth, allowing her and Bartholomew to get reacquainted. And whilst he allowed them to do that, he couldn't help but think how totally and completely charmed by Addy he was.

She had her walls, but he understood why they were there and he was more than willing to pull them down brick by brick. As she held the teddy against her chest he saw the part of herself that she kept only for those intimately close. It was the kid in her that always tried to find the end of a rainbow, that overflowed her plant pots with water because she thought she was giving them more love, it was the flower in her that grew back even after being stepped on, it was a persevering spirit fighting against daily adversaries, it was Addy, it was everything Bucky wanted.

He wanted to be with her, to protect her the way he should have ten years ago, to give her all the love she'd deserved a lifetime ago. He wanted to take the second chance they'd been given and use it to create something even destiny wasn't prepared for. Bucky hadn't been lying when he told Steve that he believed Addy was the one, even if he had actually said that before about some of his (many) past girlfriends.

"Ask me if I believe in love," he demanded abruptly.

Addy raised her head slowly, eyebrows crushing together as she took in what words he'd ejaculated. "Why?"

"Because." Because he wanted her to ask him, and not have it being him pushing his beliefs onto her.

"You're such a meatball," she commented once more, not immediately asking the question he wanted to hear because she didn't want to ask it. She'd already had Alice and Gladys pushing their ideals of love onto her, telling her that she was wrong to not believe in love. But Addy was the kind of person who only ever believed in the things that there was scientific proof for, and for the first twelve years of her life, all she ever saw was proof that love didn't exist. Only the fabrication people wanted to believe in. She saw her mother throwing herself at every man that looked her way, desperately chasing what was her own fable of love: a man that would buy her things. Addy had never felt love off of anyone, just the cold touch of her mother's venomous hands. And it was because of that upbringing that Addy believed she was able to see the truth, that there wasn't actually any love, just people chasing after what the fairytales spoke of.

But, despite her resentment towards the subject, there was a curiosity to be found in her, a little flower peeking through a blanket of snow. Addy believed it was more a desire to learn additional information about James rather than it being something to do with love. There was something different about the man before her, something that set him aside from all the other males she'd spent most of her life fearing, perhaps it was the bond that they already had thanks to their day together, or maybe it was because every time they interacted he was taking caution with her, unfolding her petals carefully, patient to see the beauty within.

"James," she began, taking a deep breath and collecting her courage, "do you believe in love?"

"First of all, my name is Bucky," he corrected, quickly moving onto the main conversation, not realising how big of an issue her inability to call him by his nickname would become. "And second of all, not the kind from the stories, or those movies they're making where there are all these happy endings. I don't believe in any of that, but that doesn't stop me liking all of those ideas either. My favourite one is this story a guy once told me when I was really young - apparently, it's what they believe in China - he told me that there's a red string tied to everyone's finger and they connect up to someone else, and that that person is your soulmate. The red string can go on forever, all across the planet, and sometimes it can get tangled, but that doesn't stop there being a person you're connected to. Do I believe in it? No, of course not. But that doesn't stop me wishing it was true, from wanting to be so connected to someone despite them being worlds away, all just by a little red string. I do believe in love, I do believe that it's something that should be impossible, and I believe that's exactly what makes it love."

He'd said all of his words earnestly and she'd felt every bit of honesty reverberating through her bones. He was the biggest advocate for love that she'd ever met, and his best friend would be able to confirm that. But it still didn't change Addy's past and the horrible things it had taught her.

"That's a sweet idea and everything, but if it can get tangled up then that means there's a chance you'll never meet that person." That was her biggest issue with love overall, not just James' theory. The chance of meeting the person they were meant to be with for the rest of their life was very unlikely, bordering impossible. She couldn't see the point in risking her heart, wasting it on people who would do nothing but break it apart. It was safer being kept inside of the cage made up of her ribs.

But in response to her argument, Bucky simply laughed, as though her reasoning meant nothing. "But that's why we fall in love, we put faith in that they are the one."

"Well, I- I hope you don't think that I'm the one, or going to be your one." Addy felt very uncomfortable throwing out such an assumption but it was also very necessary that she made it clear to him her own reservations and unwillingness to date or be in a relationship. "This whole thing tonight, this whole date, it was fun but I can't… I can't fall in love with you, with anyone."

Addy hated that part of her most of all, more than the anxiety and the fear of the dark. It was the fact that she could never experience love which ruined her life and her soul more than anything, even though she didn't believe in it, she still felt the loss of not having it. She didn't know if it was due to her upbringing, or because she'd avoided romance like the plague when growing up to the point where the concept was simply foreign to her, a language everyone except for her could speak.

"I'm not asking you to, I swear," he vowed, unafraid to make such a promise, simply glad that she'd been truthful with him. "All I'm asking is to be a part of your life. You're a good person Addy and I like you a lot, you're the kind of person I'd like to have in my life, even if it's just as a friend."

"I don't want to be like my mother," she professed, feeling even more like she needed to tell him her decision and how she'd chosen to live her life just so he could know what he was really getting himself into. The people that befriended or dated her mother never understood fully what they were inviting into their homes, and they'd always ended up regretting it and throwing her out. Though Addy could understand why people had abandoned her mother, it was something she never wanted to experience herself. "I don't want to give my heart to everyone I meet for some cheap version of whatever love is idealised to be. I can't promise I'll ever be able to give you anything other than my slightly awkward company, I don't do physical touch, I've never even held someone's hand except for my mothers and whenever I did that I felt like the oxygen from the world had disappeared all of a sudden."

James wanted to reach out to offer her some sort of physical comfort but her recent words had made it clear to him how bad of an idea that would be, the best thing he could do was keep his distance and utilise his words. "Stop worrying Addy, I promise I'm never going to make you hold my hand," he joked, metaphorically pushing away the serious air that had reared up.

Addy stared at him for a moment, though she was more observing than looking, trying to conclude that his attempt at a joke was his way of telling her that he understood the way she was, that he'd accepted it, and did not mind having a friend who behaved in such a way. "Okay," she eventually responded, exhaling a long breath in an attempt to rid herself of the unwelcome emotions, wanting to join James in a more relaxed tension.

"Okay," James was smiling and Addy hoped that was a good sign.

She hoped that after tonight he wasn't going to run for the hills because there was no doubt in her mind that she was crazy and belonged in some sort of sanatorium rather than the streets of New York. "So, does this make us friends?"

The brunette didn't answer her back, choosing to use his actions rather than his words to answer her question. Gently, he pulled from her hand the bouquet he'd gifted her at the start of their date, then he proceeded to walk over to Addy's collection of vases. It took him a while to pick one, truly thinking about what would fit the best. When he did finally pick a vase - a medium-sized one decorated with Greek-style imagery of a long-haired woman wandering through a woodland area, a regally dressed male with a crown atop his head reaching out for the maiden with his hand, the other hidden by his side - he wandered once more towards Addy, surpassing her and placing the garden vase on the table, putting the daisies inside of it. He looked back to her very proud of himself.

That vase was his answer.

A/N: Hello there! I've really got to apologise about this upload schedule, it is just all over the place right now. On the upside I've managed to write a chapter every day this week so far? I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and will hopefully be moving on to doing two uploads every week. I've got a job interview tomorrow so I don't know if I'll be writing much tomorrow, but I really am trying to get back into writing and I'm getting near my favourite part of the plot for part one so my motivations gone up slightly.

And just out of curiosity, did anyone get what image was on the vase?

To Guest, I know I'm almost ten days late to this but happy birthday! I hope you had a good one?

To Assbitch67, I can't wait to go deaf! AND WHOO FOR SELF HATRED! I wouldn't be here without it ;) And it's cool Mexican Twin and soulmate, I totally understand what you mean which is why I didn't push or anything, I hope you didn't take it offensively that I just asked for a beta? I didn't think about how it could come across until just now :/

To Guest 2, OKAY THAT WAS COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT BUT OH MY GODDDDD HYPE HYPE HYPE I'M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW SPIDERMAN MOVIE

To OfSeashellsandStars, I'm happy you think this is good, like I stated before I've been very unsure of this project. I am doing well, hope you are too. And about beta-ing, I sent you a PM but you never responded? Hope you're okay, sorry if I'm coming across pushy lol.

To LoveFiction2019, yay! I'm glad to hear it.

And a big thank you to everyone that read the chapter and is being patient with me!