Chapter Six
"Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up."
Sheldon Cooper (TBBT Season 6)
"The Egg Salad Equivalency"
Did I break him?
When a full minute passed and her lips remained unkissed, Amy looked up to find that her previously amorous boyfriend was now anything but. In fact, he'd retreated as far away from her as the porch would allow. A guttural, choking noise issued forth from his throat, followed by a series of heavy pants. In. Out. In. Out. Like a stone, he sat there, eyes clamped shut and fists clenched in his lap as he mumbled strange words over and over to himself in a formulaic cadence.
Yep, I broke him.
"Sheldon?" she probed cautiously as she got to her feet. Please let him be all right. Amy didn't know what she'd do otherwise. There was also the issue of how she'd explain this to Mary or Meemaw. You see, we were about to kiss and then he just … broke. The mere thought left her in a near panic. "Sheldon, are you all right? Speak to me. Please?"
"Kolinahr," he bit out before returning to his bizarre ritual.
The second the word left his mouth, all concern for him vanished. "You're using Star Wars to keep from kissing me?" she snarled.
His eyes snapped open. "It's Star Trek, Amy. Someone with your advanced education should be able to differentiate between the two greatest science fiction franchises in the history of mankind."
"And someone with your advanced education should be able to differentiate between reality and make believe," she countered. "Kohlinar isn't real."
He yelped in disbelief. "Kolinahr is real. It's a highly-developed technique Vulcans employee to suppress their baser emotions. These emotions, if left unchecked, can cause serious damage."
"Really?" she said, crossing her arms over her chest. "So 'damage' would have been done if you'd kissed me?"
"Absolutely."
"Damage to what, exactly?"
"To you, to me, to our relationship, to the relationship agreement, and, basically, the world at large." He sighed as though it were taking all of his patience just to talk to her. "Amy, we're both highly emotional right now. Unbridled emotion is the impediment to pure logic. Once you've calmed down, you'll understand my reasoning and thank me for my restraint."
"You actually think I'm going to thank you for not kissing me when it's what we both wanted?"
He body spasmed at her blunt question, and he closed his eyes to seemingly quell the emotional storm. When he seemed to have a better hold on himself, he took a deep breath, looked at her, and said, "I'm sensing some anger coming from you."
"You think?" Amy retorted.
"You would profit from the techniques of Kohlinar yourself. It has helped Vulcans suppress their emotions for years. Now, if you'll sit down, I'll be glad to show you how it is accomplished. Then, you'll see the benefits for yourself."
Amy wanted to dump the entire container of peapods on his head and then beat him with the empty bucket. The only thing that stopped her was the knowledge that he'd only take the action as further proof of his ridiculous theories. She decided to appeal to his logical side—if indeed he even had one at this point.
"Sheldon, we all have our vices. On more than one occasion, I, myself, have become lost within the pages of a trashy romance novel. But, at no time while I was enjoying the tale's undulating muscles and ripped bodices did I forget that it was just a story. Pirates named Carlos with perfectly white teeth, a pet raccoon, and a leather-encased bottom one can bounce quarters off of aren't real!"
"Pirates? What do they have to do with this?" Sheldon said, his brow furrowed in confusion.
Amy gritted her teeth. "My point is that Vulcans aren't real and neither is freaking Kohlinar. They're fiction, Sheldon!"
And, with that, she stormed away, leaving her bewildered boyfriend sitting on the back porch staring after her. She stomped down the side of the house furious, ashamed, and rejected … again. I need to do something, talk to someone before I get in that car and drive away for good. Her mind raced through her options. Wait a minute. Penny! She checked her phone to see if her bestie had emailed her back yet.
"Nope," she said, dejectedly. She made it around the front of the house, coming to rest against a panel of green siding. Amy wanted to call or text her friend, but as Penny was working a double shift today, that wasn't a good idea. Penny wouldn't have time to get into a problem of this magnitude, much less be able to offer a reasonable solution.
"Well, looks like you're going to have to deal with this one yourself, Fowler."
She closed her eyes, bumping the back of her head a few times against the side of the house out of exasperation. I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm calm. Then, everything that had just happened came back to her again in full force. The hell with calm, she thought before releasing a screech of pure frustration. Surprisingly, that action proved immensely satisfying. She smiled to herself and then screeched again.
"You have got to be Amy."
Horrified, her eyes popped open to see a tall, brunette beauty with Sheldon's baby blues and a saucy grin that was uniquely her own. It took no time at all to deduce who she was.
"You're Missy."
Sheldon's twin sister nodded as she stepped closer, her penetrating gaze seeming to take in everything. "And, unless I miss my guess, you're mad enough at Shelly to want to run him over with a tractor."
Amy panicked. The last thing she needed was to have her boyfriend's entire family learn of their romantic problems. The mortification would be too much. She pasted on a wide smile. "Mad at him? What on earth would give you that impression? Sheldon and I are a perfectly contented couple. We never fight. Really!"
Missy cocked a defiant eyebrow in her direction. "You're a terrible liar. Do you know that?"
Amy wilted. "Unfortunately, yes. It's one of my greatest faults."
"Honesty is a rare quality. Don't you dare change that. Besides, Shelly has a unique way of pissing people off. I'd have recognized his handiwork anywhere." She grinned. "Well, it's comforting to know that my brother is just like every other man when it comes to driving a girlfriend crazy."
"I'm beginning to think it's a class they teach boys straight out of kindergarten," Amy muttered.
Missy laughed. "That's the spirit, honey. Embrace the fury. Before you know it, we'll have you spray-painting his name on overpasses and burning his favorite stuff. You have no idea how satisfying that is."
"But, he's your brother. What about family loyalty?"
Missy shrugged. "'Ho's before bros, I say. Besides, I had a hard day, I just found out my boyfriend's been cheating, and I've gotta ton of work ahead of me helping Mom and Meemaw with the food for tomorrow. I've earned a little entertainment." She beckoned Amy closer with her hand. "Now, why don't you come in out of the heat? It's over a hundred degrees out here and you're wearing a sweater. I'm surprised you haven't toppled over from sunstroke."
"OK," Amy agreed. "It is hot out here."
"Follow me to my room. I'll change clothes, and you can tell me what Shelly did to get you all fired up. Then, you can spend the rest of the day hanging with me and ignoring him. Believe me, it'll drive him nuts."
"Just my luck, he'll completely miss the fact that I'm ignoring him and think he's in the clear with me."
"Nah, I'm really good at this. Stick with me and we'll have him begging you for forgiveness," she said, ushering Amy inside.
Once they were safely ensconced in Missy's room, the interrogation began. "So, you gonna tell me what he did?"
Amy blushed. "If you don't mind, it's something I'd rather keep between Sheldon and myself."
"All right," Missy said, changing from her work clothes into a pair of shorts and a light t-shirt that had Amy wishing she'd worn a similar outfit herself. "Penny said you were an unusual one. But, I suspect you'd have to be to date Shelly."
"You talk to Penny?"
"Of course. Great girl. We met when I visited Pasadena a while back. We've kept in touch ever since. It's how I get the real scoop on what my brother's been up to. It's also how I knew you and I were going to be friends."
"You want to be friends … with me?" she asked, astounded. Usually girls like Missy didn't talk to Amy, much less want to be friends with her. Hmm … maybe all those girls' nights with Penny have finally started paying off. I'm cool by association. Do you hear that, world? Amy Farrah Fowler is cool! Wow. Who would have thought it? "Really? Why?"
Missy laughed. "Honey, anyone who can make Sheldon Cooper do things he doesn't want to do without having to twist his balls off is a friend in my book."
"Well, I'm not as proficient at that as you might think," Amy said, remembering the kiss that wasn't on the back porch.
"Don't worry. With practice, you will be. We'll start with the silent-but-deadly treatment."
"What is that? How does it work?"
Missy winked and leaned in. "Here's what you do …"
— —
Missy was no Penny, but Amy knew they'd be friends nevertheless. Sheldon's sister had an infectious laugh, a quick mind, and carefree nature. In some ways, she was the polar opposite of her brother. Where he was controlled and cautious, she was a reckless, free spirit willing to try anything at least once. But, the twins did share some similarities. They were both deeply devoted to their mother and grandmother, had a secure sense of themselves, and were stubborn to a fault. Missy wasn't as intelligent as Sheldon. She had no patience for mathematical equations and lacked the capacity for appreciating the higher echelons of science. Nor was she gifted with Sheldon's eidetic memory or thirst for knowledge. But in areas where he suffered deficiencies—like picking up on sarcasm or other nonverbal cues—Missy proved to be crafty and clever. Most importantly, she knew just what it took to drive a boyfriend to the very edge of insanity.
And, for that, Amy worshiped her.
Their planning session was brought to an end by Mary popping her head in. "Good. You're home, Missy. Amy, Sheldon's been looking for you."
"We've just been getting to know each other, Mom. Do you and Meemaw need help?"
"No, we're breaking for lunch. You girls come eat, all right?" Mary said, heading off.
"On our way," Amy promised.
They filed out of Missy's room and into the little dining area off from the living room. Sheldon was already seated at the round, wooden table surrounded by matching wooden chairs. He seemed uneasy to see Amy coming from his sister's room.
"Howdy, Shelly," Missy said, kissing her brother on the cheek. "Glad to see all that rocket scientist stuff didn't keep you too busy to attend the reunion."
"Hello to you as well, Missy." He wiped her kiss from his cheek with a napkin. "My presence at the reunion is a dictate from our mother, and I'm a theoretical physicist, not a rocket scientist. All of this you very well know. Now, leave me be. I'm in no mood for your teasing today." He turned to look at Amy warily. "Amy, are you feeling better?"
Amy smiled to confuse him. "I'm fine."
Missy laughed. Sheldon frowned, his eyes shooting suspiciously from his sister to his girlfriend. Before another word could be said, Mary and Meemaw came from the kitchen, bearing a platter heaped with sandwiches, a large bowl of potato salad and glasses of sweet tea for everyone. As the older women took their seats, Sheldon looked at the chair next to him and then to Amy. His intent was clear. She smiled wider before taking the chair next to Mary, deliberately leaving the vacant one next to Sheldon available for Missy. He frowned again.
"Missy, you usually sit next to Mom," he pointed out.
"No assigned seating today, Shelly. We have a guest, remember?" Missy said, laying her napkin across her lap.
"But, as Amy is my girlfriend, her place should be next to me."
"Apparently, she'd rather sit next to Mom," Missy gleefully answered.
"Is there a problem?" Mary asked, looking around the table.
Amy kept the smile on her face, trying to appear oblivious to what was going on. After a chorus of "no ma'ams" from Sheldon and Missy, Mary compelled them all the take hands and delivered a prayer. Amy bowed her head as directed, but spent the prayer fortifying herself against what was to come. Here's hoping this works, she thought.
Once the grace was said and the food was passed around, Missy kept up a constant stream of chatter about her job and gossip she'd heard around town about people they knew. Sheldon spent the meal silently consuming a ham sandwich and observing Amy. Amy knew this because every time she looked up, he intently stared her down. Under other circumstances, she might have found it romantic or arousing. But as she knew he was only trying to figure out what was going on, she tried not to let it affect her. She laughed heartily at Missy's stories and joined in when the conversation turned to other topics.
Once the meal was done, she volunteered to help Missy to clear the table and do the dishes. Sheldon was put back to work shelling the peas. But, he didn't take this development lying down.
"Amy, you can't assist Missy with the dishes. You're shelling peas with me, remember?"
Missy, Mary, and Meemaw started taking dishes back to the kitchen. Amy picked up the empty plates in preparation of joining them. "Sheldon, I'm sure you can do it a lot faster without me. It seems I am all thumbs when it comes to that particular task anyway."
He grabbed her arm as she tried to walk past. It startled them both. He released her. "Amy," he said, clearing his throat, "now that you're calm and rational, perhaps it might behoove us both to discuss what happened."
"Are you willing to admit that Kohlinar isn't real?"
"What? No!"
She kept the smile pasted on her face, just as Missy had directed. "Then, we have nothing to discuss." With a shrug, she left him standing there.
A/N: Don't kill me for not having them kiss. Deep breath. In. Out. In. Out. Better? Good. In order to make real progress, one must oftentimes take a few steps back. Don't worry. I got a plan. You should just understand that this story isn't a sprint; it's a marathon. So, settle in and be patient. And, if that doesn't work to soothe your ire, I offer a quote from my favorite movie, "The Princess Bride":
"Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles."