-Chapter 8, Kat and Lee's Super Special Fudge Coated Minty Fresh Highly Belated Extra Long Obligatory Christmas Special, Part II-
Days passed to the thirteenth of December, Tom had gone Christmas shopping, and Kat, Lee, Percy, Sam, Caleb, and Tabby (in cat form, sitting on Percy's lap) were warming up by the fire, enjoying Christmas specials on television. Thankfully, the apartment was big enough to get a capital C couch to watch television with six people and a cat.
"So, Tom's out getting a tree?" said Percy.
"Yup," said Kat. "Good thing he didn't take Lee, either, with the exploding and all," Kat's words echoed, but the scene didn't wave to a flashback. "Dammit, I forgot." Kat hopped off of the couch and went to get something off screen, a new scene popped out of the ceiling and bounced in front of the camera like in the opening to Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Lee was carrying an evergreen out of a Christmas tree shop. "Ah, that's a beauty."
Then Lee whipped a lighter and a can of nitroglycerin out of his coat pocket. He poured the nitro all over the snow, then lit it up.
The tree blasted out of the snow with a lengthy smoke trail behind it, flames licked out of the underside of the evergreen and under the trunk, and it blew off like a rocket ship with sooty snow still caked in its pine needles.
"That ought to get the tree to the apartment," Lee said happily, and he walked off without noticing the tree leaning and bursting into flames. Pine needles scattered everywhere, and a pair of scissors cut into the scene, snipping it in half and causing both halves to fall to the floor like paper.
"I said I was sorry!" Lee yelled, still holding a pair of scissors.
Tom got out of a "rental" car that also happened to have two unconscious bodies in the trunk, which he tossed out to make way for the decorations he was about to buy. He walked towards the Christmas Tree Shop (chain name, not store type), then took one quick look at the drunk teenagers he threw out.
"Nah, they'll keep sleeping," Tom continued his walking.
The shop was filled with all sorts of useless crap, half of which probably had nothing to do with Christmas, and was completely for decoration.
Two children and their rather tall father were looking at storybooks that came with little battery-powered choo-choos. The children probably only wanted the books for the toy trains, though.
Tom walked up to the father. "Excuse me, sir, but do you know where I could find the ornaments?"
"Yeah, I think they're way over there," said the father, and he pointed towards a rather festive-looking section of the store.
"Thanks," Tom walked towards the ornament section. "I can't believe I never noticed that."
"Well, now you know," the father said simply.
"How about this one?" the youngest of the children pointed to a book labeled "Mighty Mogul".
Tom continued his way towards the ornament section, during his walk, he passed by a Thompson Sub-machine gun that just so happened to be on sale. His leg stretched over to where the gun was in a cartoonish style.
"Only sixty-eight? SWEET!" Tom yanked his wallet out of his pocket and counted his money. "Hmm, if I blow all the money on this, then I wont have enough to buy the ornaments OR the tree... ah, screw it, I'll wrap it up in newspaper and give it to myself, Christmas-y enough." Tom yanked the gun off of the rack and shot off to the register. The bored-looking cashier scanned the item by the bar-code on a price tag attached to the barrel.
"All right, that's a Thompson Sub-machine gun with bullets included, the sale is fifty percent off today, that comes to a total of sixty seven dollars and ninety-two cents. Could you show me your license to fire this weapon?"
Tom flicked open his wallet and pulled out the firing license that he ordered in unaired episode thirty-six.
The cashier stared at the license for about thirty seconds, then handed it back to Tom. "It's good, you might want to have it updated, though, it expires in about a week."
"I'll make sure to look into that," Tom took the license back, paid his money, and took his gun. "Have a nice day."
"You too, man," as Tom was leaving, the cashier reached under the desk and pulled out a bag of Mary-Jane.
The camera cuts to a side view of the store, and pans across the wall to show Tom putting his gun in a box and wrapping it up.
The camera shows only the group on the C-couch, the television is blasting.
"NOOOOOOOOOO-" Lee clicked the remote at the television, changing it to ABC Family.
"I don't know why we even decided to watch the Johnny Test Christmas special," said Sam. "It's just a crapulous mass of spoiled brats and unnecessarily long screams of a negative two-letter word."
"Who uses that anymore?" Percy said, staring at Sam.
"Who uses what?" asked Sam.
"That term, "crapulous mass", wasn't that used in like, the 1700s?" asked Percy.
"Well, I'm sorry for being old-timely," said Sam, turning her head towards the television and pouting.
"Hey, Percy, remember that day when we put dandruff in the terrarium?" said Lee, turning to Percy.
"And they thought it was snow? Yeah, that was great... until one of them caught one on their tongue," Percy said.
"Reminds me, I've got to think of a Christmas present that ought to entertain their primitive brains."
"...How about a Super-ball?" said Percy. "For them, it may actually bounce to ninety-seven feet!"
Lee thought for a moment.
FANTASY MOMENT
The camera shows an enormous black sphere with the gargantuan word "Superball" printed on it, it is rolling slowly around a primitive-looking village. Crushing houses made of cardboard, there are men and women in loin cloths running all over the place, and some kind of big bad type of figure poking the sphere with a spear while laughing in an unfittingly maniacal way. The camera zooms out to show this civilization in a glass terrarium as Lee pokes a pair of tweezers into the tank to try and remove the troublemaker.
FANTASY MOMENT END
"May have to get rid of that dickweed who pissed in my DS speakers first," Lee mumbled.
"Good idea," said Percy, who had thought almost the exact same thing, except instead of tweezers, Lee was using a tiny strip of Scotch tape to remove the perp.
The door flew open and Tom came in.
"Do you have the decorations?" Kat asked, turning.
"No, I found a gun, though!" Tom held up the poorly-wrapped box.
"Good enough, let's put it against the wall and paint it red and green," Kat held out her hand for Tom to give her the gun.
"Heck no, I've seen enough straight-to-TV movies on SyFy to know never to give a woman a projectile weapon!" said Tom.
"What?" said Kat, standing upright. "SYFY? That's your information source?"
"They hardly air movies higher than two stars!" said Lee, also standing upright.
"Well, I happen to like the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies," said Tom, holding the gun behind his back.
"The special effects sucked!" Lee yelled.
"They did NOT! You're just saying that because you saw the rating on Comcast, you know you loved it!" said Tom, inching forward, but also pulling the trigger on the gun by accident, a bullet flew into the underside of an oven on the above floor, the flaming gas leaked out and melted the rest of the ceiling, allowing the gas oven to fall and crush Tom, his gun flying out of his hand.
"OH MY GOD! TOM'S DEAD!" yelled Percy, standing up and pointing.
"No he isn't!" said Caleb. "I've seen plenty of people die, and that's NOT how people die."
"Sorry," Percy sat back down. "I'm just used to seeing Lee die that sort of way."
"What a weakling," said Caleb.
Lee had promptly obtained a car jack when the two characters were talking, and lifted the oven off of Tom's flattened body, sadly Kat was standing right behind Tom, and the oven crushed her feet.
Kat shrieked the same way a black cat would if you were to trod upon its tail, and ran behind the comically sized sofa.
"Sorry, Kat," Lee said as he picked up a telephone to call an ambulance. "Hello? Yes, this is Lee... the one without the last name, yes... no, no, nobody's been shot, my friend Tomas has been crushed by a six hundred pound gas oven... yes, again, but don't I get a holiday discount this time of year? ...Oh, really? ...I'm so sorry... wow, I don't think necks are supposed to bend like that, should we just drive him? ...Yes? Okay, bye."
Lee put down the phone, and got to peeling Tom off of the floor. "Could you give me some help here, Sam? He's your adopted brother."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Sam grabbed Tom's legs and went out the door.
The camera cuts to the apartment next to an elevator. Lee and Sam close the door and carry Tom into an open elevator and set him down with his foot sticking out.
Lee clicked the "lobby" button on the elevator and the elevator doors closed, crushing Tom's leg.
"Oww..."
"Sorry, Tom," Sam adjusted Tom so that his legs stuck towards the elevator wall.
The camera cuts to a close-up of a cat's face, watching a string go back and forth, back and forth.
The camera zooms in on that string to show the wee men seen earlier trying to distract the cat while one of them tries to tie a rope around the cat to conquer it.
One of the wee men shouted in triumph and plunged a spear into the cat's neck.
"Eh?" Mittens, the cat, suddenly felt a tiny itch in her neck, and turned her head to lick it.
The wee man stared in horror as the enormous pink bumpy object came closer to him, and braced himself for the wave of-
"Thmp, thmp, thmp, thmp," Mittens licked her neck contently as a tan-yellow speck whistled off of it. "Lee's new pets seem to be holding up fine."
The camera cuts to a part of the room where a terrarium of the wee men (and women and children) building a monument in the favor of the television in the corner of the room.
Inside the terrarium, the tribesmen chanted what would be "all glory to the great light box" if they had learned to construct proper sentences.
"Every bone in his body?" said Kat on the phone.
"Yes," said Lee on the other line, "Body as in chest and stomach area, not the spine or the skull or the neck or anything, though, but he has twisted his ankle after going to get a glass of cranberry juice from the mini-fridge in his hospital room."
"Yeesh," said Kat. "So you think he might end up missing Christmas?"
"He's going to miss Independence Day, Kat," Lee said harshly.
"Ouch."
"And maybe your birthday, but the odds aren't against a Christmas-in-July celebration."
"Well, you better be ready to start donating bones, mister, because I don't want this year to get screwed up by another one of your stupid man-shenanigans."
"Yes, ma'am," Lee said in a high British-childesque voice.
Kat and Lee both slammed the phones onto the receiver, Lee missing by a foot and hurling the phone into Tom's groin.
"Eugh," Tom groaned off screen.
"Sorry, buddy," Lee gently lifted the phone from its current location to the receiver.
Time skip to night time, a gray cat with a toaster pastry stuck to his back paved his straight-ish rainbow across the sky as it sang its crappy repetitive song to unwilling listeners throughout the city.
"Frickin' pop tart kittens!" yelled a man just completely out of the blue.
But the kitten's glory was short lived minutes later, as it was struck down by a few fast-moving chunks of snow that fell from the sky. Thankfully, the poor thing landed in a trash can stuffed with moth-eaten blankets. It hopped out and shook the pop tart off of his back, then walked out onto the sidewalk where on almost-perfect timing, it was kicked onto the windshield of a parked car by Lee's blind work boot.
Lee walked home from the hospital with a rubber chicken stuck to his head, he turned around and yelled, "Is regular mugging out, now?"
"Yeah man, just get with the times."
Lee continued his walk as a group of carolers across the street sang. One of them bared a close resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman... ah forget it, nobody would get that joke.
Lee grabbed a trash can lid off of one of the cans in the alley and put it above his head to shield himself from the oncoming snow.
The lid provided little protection, and a foot of snow accumulated upon it after only twenty-three seconds. Lee discarded the lid and ran for his life.
The apartment building was just ahead, and Lee's hair had already frozen, the place where the slime man had been squashed, a snowman had been built on top of his splat mark.
Lee jumped into the snowman to protect himself with the power of irony and stupidity, and pulled a flat piece of ice out of the ground to use as a non-conventional umbrella.
He hoisted the ice over his head once more and ran into the lobby.
The lobby-goers stopped their chitter-chatter and turned to Lee, who was still covered in snow.
"It's snowing," Lee said, simply shrugging.
"Oh, nice," said one of the people, and they continued to chat.
-Time Skip all the way to the first day of winter-
The camera shows the exterior of the hospital, nighttime, we zoom in on one of the windows, which looks upon the room where Tom is resting.
Tom turned to look out the window, and was shocked to see a cameraman staring him in the face. "Go away, go away, I'm sick!"
The camera sped off and Tom continued reading the history of modern LEGO sets.
"Neat," said Tom, staring at a picture of the Diagon Alley set.
"TOMAS BRIL," a voice boomed, Tom flinched, dropping his book.
"Eh?" said Tom, squinting at the sudden appearance of blue light through his spectacles.
"S'up," said the apparition.
"Go away, I don't want any more Christmas Carol homages," said Tom, shooing away the being.
"AUGH, FINE!" shouted the ghost, he picked up his chain casually and tossed it out the window, lurching him out into the snow.
"Dork," said Tom, picking up his book.
"All right, I've got him a new skull, now, finally," Lee held up a fuzzy white-yellow skull, his head had a deflated look about it, and he was using one of his hands to move about the floor, as his legs had the same deflated look about them. "How long until I can throw myself off the building to regenerate my bones?"
"Just about time," said Kat, taking Lee's skull.
"Thanks," Lee gargled, and he slowly inched towards the closed window with repeated strained "eh" sounds. After about fifteen seconds, he pulled himself back and bounced out the window, shattering it, and a poorly-acted scream because, for this scene, the actor for Lee had to wake up at 1:00 in the morning without his morning espresso. However we did pay him double.
There was a crack, a sigh of relief, and the sound of scuttling feet. Shortly after, Lee had been sitting next to Kat with an idiotic grin on his face.
"Happy holidays?"
Kat checked the clock, it read 7:55. "All right, get your back pack, we're gonna be late."
"I don't wanna go!" Lee pouted.
For about four seconds, the lights dimmed and red light poured out of Kat's eyes. "NOW."
"Kay!" Lee squeaked, and two seconds later he was before her with his back pack on.
We skip the boring scene where they fall down the elevator shaft because the elevator had been glued to the wall, and barely escaped the lobby when Joker laughing gas filled the room. Aren't ya glad we skipped THAT fiasco?
Kat and Lee were covered in soot, dust, and blood as they exited the building, a tree (IN NEW YORK CITY? I KNOW, RIGHT?) which was also dead (oh, that explains it) stood before them. A human-shaped shadow fell off of it. The shadow revealed herself as Sam.
"What's that copper smell?" she asked.
"Blood," said Lee, then his rather perverted side perked up. "You can lick it off if you want."
"Nah, I have a bendy straw," Sam poked a pink bendy straw into a rather large wound of Lee's, and sucked about a pint of blood out of his circulatory system.
The bus came three minutes later, it was white with frost, and someone was hanging out the window and throwing up Nutella. When the bus stopped, the boy stopped vomiting, turned back to his comrades, and said, "I TOLD you it would still taste delicious!"
"Pound it, Hector!" Lee pumped his fist over to the red-haired boy.
The camera cuts to a very expensive-looking green-screen of a dark night sky and two powerful-looking fists that look nothing like Hector's or Lee's knuckle-bumping with a loud exploding sound effect and a long electric guitar note. A loud omnipotent voice yelled "FRIENDSHIP" while said word flashed across the screen in bright yellow text.
The camera cuts to an inside view of the bus with Kat and Lee sitting next to each other while Sam hangs from the emergency door latch.
The bus stopped and three muscular-looking thugs ran into the bus. A caption on the screen said X- Glide Kick. Sam flew down from the latch and kicked one of the thugs in the mouth.
"IT'S THE BAT!" yelled one of the thugs.
"Don't let her hit you, you idiot!"
Sam knocked the wind out of each and every one of them, and when this was done, a large group of bats flew out of one of their heads and filled a circular chart with a circular white line. Another caption next to the chart read "UPGRADE AVAILABLE".
Lee stared up at the caption, then climbed onto the seat and ripped it off the screen. "I hope at least one of you out there got that blatant reference."
"Nope," said Kat.
"Dammit. Zachary, you play a lot of video games, don't you get it?"
"Sorry, man, can't remember a single game since I started playin' Skyrim," said a blond boy with bloodshot eyes.
Lee sighed.
At the school, the camera overlooks an opened locker. A rocket was sent down the hallway, and sliced the door clean off. A shrill voice off screen yelled, "CLOSE YOUR GODDAMN LOCKERS!"
A near-silent deep voice off screen called, "Sorry!"
Kat, Lee, and Sam walked into the math classroom while the construction workers yelled and worked on the expansions to the school.
Almost immediately, a wrecking ball blasted its way through the wall.
"WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE ONE OF THOSE HERE?" yelled one of the workers.
"I DON'T KNOW, COFFEE BREAK!" yelled another.
"Bye," said Lee, and he left the school through the hole in the wall.
"Yeah, I'm out, too," Kat followed Lee.
Sam stared out the hole, and sighed. "Rabblerousers."
The math teacher walked into the room with a smoking shotgun. "Well, in case you haven't heard, the school has become a war ground for flamboyant Call of Duty players to roam about, so vacation's come early, and you're free to roam the halls, but you're forty-nine fiftieths screwed, could anyone convert that to a decimal?"
"zero point ninety-eight" the class lazily chorused.
"Good, NOW GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE BEFORE I PUMP Y'ALL FULL O' LEAD!" she shrieked as she shot a bullet into the ceiling.
The class screamed and poured out through the hole in the wall.
"Ha, they're not lead," the teacher tossed the shotgun into a corner and went to her desk to sit down. "I'm smarter." she noticed Sam was still drawing a picture on her desk with an X-Acto knife. "Ahem."
Sam looked up from her drawing, the knife clattering on the linoleum. "Oh, were we dismissed already?" she grabbed her bag from the chair and turned. "Bye! Merry Christmas!"
Tom had recently received a package in the mail containing several bones. He sighed at Lee's stupidity and placed the box in the outgoing shelf in the end table next to his bed.
"EB-EN-EE-ZER SCROOOOOGE!" shouted some omnipotent sounding voice across the hall.
Tom took off his headphones and shouted, "WRONG ADDRESS!"
"Sorry!" said the deep voice.
"Idiots," Tom murmured, putting his headphones back on.
Caleb sat in the corner of the apartment, Lee's bucket hat on his head, and snoring pleasantly with an issue of Lilliputian Playboy over his chest.
"Hey, Caleb, what 'cha reading?" Lee walked over to Caleb and picked up his magazine with no reaction from Caleb whatsoever. "...This would actually be the perfect gift for half of the population of my terrarium."
The terrarium Lee mentioned is still hard at work on the statue of the television. Tabby walks in and turns on the TV to Cheese 2: The Revenge.
The terrarium members gasp.
"[The cat-child! She commands the mighty light box! drop everything and start over, except make it a statue of her and make her look all badass and stuff!]" yelled one of the wee men.
"[You better be paying us overtime for this!]" yelled another.
"[Yeah, I have a family, you know!]"
"[Keep talking like that and you're outta here! And I mean, outta here, like deported, you know?]"
"[You don't decide that, the great stupid creator does!]"
"[No, the sarcastic anime fan does!]"
An atheist yells, "[Nobody does!]"
"[Shut up!]" both of the wee men yell.
Tabby walked over to the glass diorama. "Nice pets, probably barely feeds them."
Back to the inside of the terrarium, a giant orange square with a hole in it falls from the sky. When it lands, it prints itself into the ground. It is revealed to be the world's largest Cheez-It.
The towns gather around the mysterious entity.
One of the people proclaim, "[Eh, it's food, isn't it?]"
Tabby watches as the tiny people attempt to break pieces off of the Cheez-It with spears, and fail in doing so.
"[This new food sucks!]"
"[Yeah, I'm just gonna go eat carrots,]" the two men leave to go get some produce.
"My god, I've created vegetarians!" said Tabby in triumph.
The camera zooms even farther out to God looking out at the apartment from a cloud, and muttering, "Took 'em long enough."
In a great blizzard, a tribesman moves slowly through the snow with nothing but loincloths to warm him, there is no food, and-
the camera zooms out to show this epic scene is nothing more than an open window over a slightly breezing snow shower and the tribesman being a speck in the snow.
"What kind of idiot leaves a window open in the middle of winter?" Kat thought out loud as she walked over and shut the window.
"A household with two immortals and possibly the healthiest anime fan-girl on earth," said Lee.
"Touche," said Kat.
"Gladly," Lee thought sarcastically.
"I heard that," Kat said.
"Shit," Lee thought again.
"So what are we going to do with the tree situation, now? I don't exactly think the gun has a safety trigger so we probably can't decorate it," said Lee.
"Put it back in the box for Tom, we're going out and spending all the life savings you got from working in the underworld on the best damn tree we can find," said Kat.
=Family Guyesque flashback=
"Hi, Lee Jefferson here with a new product, you know how when you get a giant three-headed dog and you have to clean up after it with plain old leaky plastic bags?" Lee yelled.
"I love my Cerberus, but cleaning up after the thing is absolute horror!" said Hades from behind his hood.
"Forget that, new from Hell's Finest products, Hell's Finest Dog Dropping Sack!" Lee said, holding up a giant flaming sack with devil horns. "With this new product, cleaning up after your gargantuan pooch will feel as simple as washing your hands, bathed in the river Styx and smothered in the stomach of a dragon, this baby is indestructible!" Lee tosses the sack into a river of flames, and the sack slowly dissolves the river to a lava puddle. "Not to mention super-absorbent!"
"Average large dog dropping bags can't be reused, but with Hell's Finest Dog Dropping Sack, the droppings are dissolved into atoms! And if you order now, we'll give you a free bonus sack! The whole shebang is just $9.99!"
The voice over came up with the little window reshowing the commercial and all the product information and stuff.
"To order Hell's Finest Dog Dropping sack and the special bonus sack for just $9.99, call one eight hundred, six six six, four three five five. That's one eight hundred, six six six, four three five five, call now."
When every last cent of money was drained from the apartment's couch cushions and bed mattresses, and Lee's life savings were moved from the secret basement made entirely out of bookshelves and flattened out tin cans that could only be found in the very center of a 600-year-old junkyard if you screamed a constantly changing password, Kat, Caleb, and Lee took a cab to an ax store, because if they got another pre-cut tree, someone would yell at them for being lazy bums and exclaim on how there was definitely something wrong with their generation and then they would yell for their pudding which wasn't made of real chocolate but mud that was sprinkled with sugar, however the old woman's taste buds were dead, and only liked pudding for the gull-darn texture.
When they had paid the discount price for a fine steel ax with a razor sharp blade that was only slightly used, (hence the wee splash of dried blood on the blade) they left for a dense forest that no pancake-loving lumberjack had dared enter due to the crude "DANGER, AVALANCHE ZONE" sign that was written by a bunch of jokers three hundred years ago, the group knew this because Lee happened to be one of the jokers who made it, and repainted the sign so the words would really pop.
"The funny thing is, we didn't have any money for paint, so we had to use a bucket of goose blood to write with because none of us were the required age to get a job," Lee said as he traced over the letters with a large paint brush.
"You were a hundred!" said Caleb.
"Do I look twenty, let alone a hundred?" Lee said, looking back at Caleb.
"...No," muttered Caleb.
Kat pulled out the ax and handed it to Caleb.
Caleb rejected the ax and handed it to Lee.
Lee rejected the ax and threw it into the forest.
There was a squelch, a squeal, and a thud, and then someone threw the ax out of the forest, beheading Lee.
Lee's headless body felt where its head used to be, and felt the ground for his head, which had its eyes closed and its tongue stinging out of its open mouth like a comical death position you would see in a cartoon when a character were to feign death.
He eventually managed to get his head back on his shoulders, and scoffed.
"Rude forest dweller, I ought to teach you a lesson!" Lee reached for the ax, but his hand was interrupted when a pig with a giant scar on its belly lunged at it.
"Gah! Pork is eating me! We must be in Russia!" Lee swings the pig at the camera, getting mud all over the lens and knocking it out of the camera man's hand.
"Dammit, Lee, look what you did," said a man with a baseball cap as he picked up the camera.
"Sorry, Stephen," Lee handed the camera man a paper towel covered in Windex from off-screen. "Is that better?"
Stephen got behind the camera and looked through the lens. "Yeah, thanks."
"You're welcome, now, where were we?" Lee picked up his ax and ran behind the camera, several loud squelching noises could be heard. "Pig's dead now, let's get our tree."
When they had chopped down a tree too small to leave outside but too big to fit into an apartment living room, they strapped it to the car and left the forest. A tree nymph came out with an old tin can in her hand.
"That's my sister!" she tossed the can at the car but missed, and wound up getting mowed down by the Men in Black.
"Crap, I missed," said Tommy Lee Jones' character off screen.
=Chapter End=
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