So, that's the new chapter. I hope you'd like it. Sory for the late update but my stupid computer isn't working very well lately and it deleted the chapter and I had to write it again :(

Again, thanks to my Beta :)

I don't own any of the characters :(

"My ruined world"

It was early morning the day after Tony was released from the hospital… well, after he released himself. He was laying on his bed in Gibbs' living room, pretending he was sleeping, thinking about his world, the one nobody knew about. Hey mom, I don't want to blame you but do you know my life's been a ruin since you died? Most people think you can't blame an 8-year-old boy for the death of his mother but they're wrong – ask father if you want. He still thinks that the fault was mine. Maybe that's why I spent the biggest part of my childhood in boarding schools. You know, without parents to control them, teens can be really mean to each other. Of course, I don't blame either of you, well I don't blame you, father is a crab. Can you imagine that Gibbs has called him? And what's worse is that Senior is coming. Hell - as if I don't have enough problems right now. You know what, it doesn't matter, I'll let you rest in peace and go have breakfast.

Xxx

Thinking Tony was sleeping, Gibbs decided to make breakfast – pancakes. He knew Shelly had loved them and he thought Tony might like them too. Gibbs had noticed how little Tony had eaten the previous night but had decided not to say a word, at least then. Quietly rattling around the kitchen, he fell into an easy rhythm as he found his ingredients, mixed the batter and got out the frying pan, pleased as the mix cooked to fluffy perfection. He frowned as the sound of the doorbell had him turning off the stove. It told him that it could be Tony's father as none of the team, or Fornell, used the bell. He placed the last pancake on a plate and opened the door.

"Agent Gibbs, nice to meet you again." It really was Anthony Dinozzo Senior. He shook Gibbs' hand and went in. Gibbs escorted him back to the kitchen.

"If I have to be honest, Mr. Dinozzo, I'm surprised you're here. I had my doubts."

"Believe it or not, agent Gibbs, I love Junior."

"I don't believe it, dad. Boss, I advise you not to believe that too." Hair messed and eyes still a bit blurry with sleep, Tony entered the kitchen, voice dripping with sarcasm. He knew how much Senior hated to be called 'dad'.

"I'm glad you're okay, son."

"Oh, come on dad, you don't care about me."

"Why do you think so, Junior?"

"Let's see! I don't know, maybe I thought we'd be closer after our last meeting; after our conversation. But now I know how stupid I was - again. Do you know what, dad, you always say we'll be closer, I always believe it and then it always doesn't happen. But things have changed." He said the words fast, in that typical Tony way of anger, his wide green eyes were shining, ready for a new dose of tears. "So, dad , please do both of us a favor and go back wherever you've come from."

"Dinozzo, that's enough! And after you close your mouth I suggest you eat some of these pancakes, or you'll pass out. You're too weak to play games with yourself and not eat!" Seeing where this conversation was going, Gibbs decided to stop it and make his senior field agent eat something. But his words did more harm than good.

"Dinozzos don't pass out, agent Gibbs." Tony's father said with arrogance.

"I have to disappoint you father. I passed out. See, I said it, I finally said it – I'm as weak as you have always told me." Tony was furious; all his anger coming out. Punching the wall, he decided to step back and get out of the kitchen, otherwise he would say more things which he would regret.

"Tony…" Gibbs started, but it was too late. The younger agent was out, heading down to the basement.

"It's not a big deal, agent Gibbs. I know Junior hates me. I understood that the day my wife died."

"If I were him, I would too. We both know how sensitive Tony is, despite the fact he hides it. I have only one thing left to say to you and you better listen to me carefully – if you ever hurt him again, I'll hurt you. And believe me you won't like my way."

"As I said, I love my son. In my own way, but I love him. I hope one day he'll understand that… That's my number…" Senior handed Gibbs a business card, "…and you call if my son changes his mind. I'll be here one more week." Saying that, Senior disappeared out the door and into a taxi.

Xxx

The rest of the day continued to be bad, as if an evil force was trying to punish them for an unknown reason.

Firstly, Gibbs found Tony sitting in the basement with a bottle of bourbon, trying to escape his world - unsuccessfully of course. "I chose it that way, boss," Tony muttered. But before Gibbs had the chance to ask what he was talking about, Tony closed his eyes and his mind went to another Dinozzo place – a better one.

Secondly, and as it seemed worst, the biggest disaster happened in the evening when Ziva, McGee, Abby and Ducky came by.

"Did you bring some food, McGee?" Gibbs asked as soon as they entered his house. He was concerned about his 'I'm not hungry' agent.

"Yes, boss. Abby got some Chinese food." McGee answered while entering the living room, where Tony was talking with the others.

"Hey Probie, a little bird told me you have some movies. Is that true?" Tony smirked.

"What? I told you that, not a bird…Wait, that's one of your weird idioms, isn't it? Ziva asked clearly confused.

"You're such a genius, Ziva! Yeah, it is and it's not weird, it's great actually."

"You think so because it's your maternity language, Tony. For not English-talking people it's not so funny, believe me.

Gibbs decided to stop their stupid banter by slapping his lead agent. That always helped.

"Hey, what was that for?" Faking pain, Tony rubbed at his head.

"For debating stupid things. Now eat or I'll throw out these movies. The dinner is first."

"I'm not a baby, boss. I can take care of myself and when I say I'm not hungry I do mean I'm not hungry. Oh, talking about movies, what do you have McGeek?

"I took "Restless", "Behemoth" and "Buried". They're all new."

"Yeah, McGee, and I've already watched two of them." Abby said sadly. "I told you to wait for me and then we could both go for the films."

"But we still have one you haven't seen, Abigail," Ducky stopped their quarrel.

Unfortunately the unseen film was "Buried" and no one realized what it would do to Tony.

Oh, no problem, I was kidnapped, not buried alive, he thought, trying not to watch the movie and instead concentrated on just relaxing. Unfortunately, not paying attention to a movie was against his nature and he could hear the biggest part of the conversations.

"…There's no water for you, Mr. Hopkins…"

Tony was trying to concentrate on his thoughts.

"…No one will help you, you've disappointed all your friends…"

He was thinking he was going to throw up, trying hard not to drop his bowl of popcorn.

"…you're lying here, alone, until you finally give up and pull the trigger. Just like my brother did, when you put him in prison…"

Tony threw away the bowl, unable to hold in his anger anymore and ran out of the room. This all happened so fast that it was hard for the others to realize what had just happened.

"Boss, what was that?" McGee finally asked

"This movie, Timothy," Ducky explained before Gibbs had the chance to answer.

"What…what were you thinking while choosing these films, McGee?" Gibbs stared at him, coldly furious.

"I…I…I wasn't thinking, boss." McGee could barely find the words to answer, his voice full of guilt.

Xxx

Meanwhile, Tony entered the living room. Hitting his head on the wall he finally let his tears fall. 'You're so weak and vulnerable, Anthony!' He heard his father's voice. Trying to escape from his painful memories the agent started pacing the room, the ceaseless movement getting faster and faster until he saw the edge of Gibbs' shadow. In an attempt to hide his eyes he opened a drawer and started looking for something, what exactly he didn't have the faintest idea.

"Just trying to find my…"

"Don't lie to me, Dinozzo."

"Then don't make me lie to you, boss. I don't need a lecture." His words just came out.

"Really? Because I don't think so. Look, Tony…"

But before Gibbs could finish Tony stopped him, wagging his finger. "Not. Now. Boss."

"No, Tony. Now. It's not necessary to deal with this alone. You still have friends, let us help you."

"Yeah, boss, I still have. But will I have them if I talk about what happened, about how weak Anthony Dinozzo is, about how I sold my ass? If I tell them what I did to Morris, or to some other boys? Tell me, Gibbs! My entire life is some kind of failure, do you know that?" Now he was yelling, tears dropping, all his anger coming out. He sat down on the cold floor, leaned against the wall.

"Yes, Tony, you will. It's good to show your feelings sometimes."

"Really, boss? 'Cuz I really think they are better hidden somewhere."

"Dinozzo, what do you mean you 'sold your ass'?"

"Do you really wanna know?"

"Yes, Tony, I do."

More tears began falling, Tony stayed silent for a long moment. "I… he raped me." He finally managed to say.

"WHAT?" Gibbs could feel his own boiling anger. He expected anything, but not that.

"I… I sold myself for a glass of water, boss. Damn it, I did it." Tony continued without paying attention to Gibbs' reaction. "Hell, I'm a trained agent, but I was thirsty… and he promised me a glass of water if I paid for it, without telling me what I was supposed to do… I'm nothing more than a failure, boss. It seems Senior has been right about me, you know."

"You are neither weak nor a failure, Dinozzo, and the next time you say you are, I'll slap you."

"Sure, boss."

"Tony, that's serious. You should go back to the hospital for a few more exams."

"No way, Gibbs. I'm not going back. Fire me if you want, but I'll disobey your order for the first time in my life. No one will touch me."

"It's for the best, you…"

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I'M NOT GOING THERE! Now, please… leave me alone."

Gibbs could feel his own tears, his own pain. The more days passed the more he wanted to kill Morris. He decided not to push his senior field agent anymore and to talk with Ducky. Maybe the M.E. would know how to convince Tony to go to the hospital.

"Ok then, I'm leaving. But we're not done yet, Dinozzo."

Xxx

After leaving Tony Gibbs went back to where the others were waiting silently. Everyone was lost deep in their own thoughts and when Gibbs entered he scared the hell out of them.

"Gibbs! Don't do that again!" Abby hissed.

"Don't do what, Abs? I think this is still my house and I can go wherever I want."

Abby was stunned by these words. Gibbs hadn't ever spoken to her like that. It was scary.

"Jethro, calm down. Don't take it out on Abigail, it's not her fault."

"You're right, sorry Abs." He'd just broken on of his rules but didn't really care. Saying these words he kissed Abby's cheek. "Ducky, I have to talk with you… in private."

The others didn't like the idea of being isolated from what was going on but obviously they didn't have the right to say a word.

"Gibbs, you'll have to tell us sooner or later…" was all Ziva managed before both men went to another room.

Xxx

Ducky and Gibbs went into the kitchen where they couldn't be overheard.

"Jethro, tell me what's going on."

"Duck,…" Gibbs put his hands on Ducky's shoulders. "…I don't know if there is an easy way to say this so I'll just say it." He took a breath. "Tony has been raped." Finally he let the words out; they were so strong, powerful, striking. For a few seconds Ducky stayed still, not believing what had just been said to him. In a while he found his voice again and managed to speak.

"How...? What…? Why?" There were so many questions in his head.

"Sorry my friend, but that is something Tony has to say for himself."

"But Jethro, that's something very serious. He has to go back to the hospital for…" His words were cut off.

"That's why I'm telling you. I hope you can speak with him and make him go because he won't listen to me. He's a little bit agitated right now but I think you can talk with him."

"Ok, I'll try. But Jethro, if he doesn't even listen to you then I don't think I can help right now." Saying his last words Ducky headed toward Tony's room where he found the agent curled up, sitting on the floor, rocking.

"Anthony…" Ducky began quietly, not wanting to scare him. "Anthony, dear boy, Jethro has just told me." Ducky was waiting for an answer but he didn't receive any. Not one to give up he gently pressed on.

Tony continued rocking as if he was all alone, desperately trying to make his mind go somewhere else. Two or three minutes passed and Ducky was showing no signs of stopping, still saying words that Tony couldn't hear, when he finally gave up and looked into the older man's eyes.

"It's all my fault, Ducky, so I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me. I… I deserve everything that happened to me."

"Anthony, you should stop thinking like that. It's not your fault and it never has been.

"I…I don't want to talk about that. I just wanna escape from my mind, I wanna disappear."

"It may look hard now, dear boy, but in time the pain will be forgotten, I promise. Now I have to take you to the hospital for…"

"Don't even try, Ducky!"

"Anthony please, the sooner we go there the faster you'll be back home. Don't make me drug you. You know Gibbs would do it too."

"Do. Not. Touch. Me!" The agent stood up shaking.

"Tony! Are you aware of all the risks?" Using his first name, that wasn't good. The next time Ducky spoke he was yelling at the young men. "WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU, THAT'S WHY WE ALL WILL MAKE SURE YOU GO TO THE HOSPITAL, YOUNG MAN."

Hearing all that yelling the others were now standing at the door, shocked at what they saw. On the one side of the room their usually calm M.E. was red-faced and obviously upset, the total opposite of normal. On the other side an incredibly pale and trembling Tony looked like he was going to fall over at any second. Mouths open, the team members stood frozen at the door when suddenly Tony hit the wall with all the energy left to him and ran out of the room at light speed, pushing through their bodies, apparently not caring that his friends were standing there.

"DINOZZO!" Gibbs barked and followed his agent. Snapping out of their daze the others did the same.

"I'M GOING HOME, BOSS."

"Tony…" Gibbs managed to catch up and grabbed his shoulders to stop him,"…you can't always put your pain somewhere in you and pretend you're ok. It doesn't work like that." Turning a struggling Tony towards him he pushed him against the wall to not only to keep him from running any further but also to hold the ashen faced man up.

"No, Gibbs, you're wrong. I feel great doing it, it seems this is the only thing I'm good at. Now get out of my way, I'm not staying here anymore!"

Please review. And if you have some ideas feel free to share them. Actually I have some but I'd be glad to know what you want to read in the next chapters :)