The days after Lissa's compulsion, Rose could not bring herself to leave her rooms. She spent the time obsessively cleaning, looking after Lara, and sleeping – the whole time trying to understand how Lissa could have fucked her over the way she did. For so long, as long as Rose could remember, Lissa had come first. When she'd accepted her allocation as Lissa's Guardian, Rose had made a promise to protect Lissa, no matter what the cost. She'd already proven her commitment when she took a bullet for Lissa, nearly dying in the process. And since then, Rose had proven her fidelity again and again – repeatedly choosing her duty to Lissa – even when it came at the expense of her time with Dimitri. They'd been in the same boat, she and Dimitri. Both torn between their duty to their charge and their commitment to their partner. And they'd made it work - at least until now. Even though it had rubbed on them both, they'd both convinced themselves their charges were worth the sacrifices they made.
Stupidly, Rose had thought her commitment to Lissa was reciprocated; that Lissa acknowledged and appreciated her many sacrifices. But now Rose doubted that had ever been the case. With the benefit of hindsight, she had to wonder whether Lissa had ever recognized the weighty toll Rose paid again and again by putting her first. Indeed, Rose started to contemplate all that had happened since Lissa had realized she was pregnant and pondered whether placing the blame on her had been Lissa's plan from the aft. Even before Rose became aware of what was going on, Lissa had made her first medical appointment in Rose's name. At the time, it made sense, but looking back Rose wasn't sure whether this traitorous deception had always been Lissa's intention.
Every day, Rose would straighten the unit, hoping against hope Dimitri would calm down and come to see her. And every day she was disappointed. In fact, other than the meals which continued to arrive at regular intervals, Rose had no visitors until four days after Lissa's visit.
"Christian," Rose greeted, opening the door after a quiet knock. The Queen's Consort looked at Rose as though she was nothing better than something on the bottom of his shoe.
"Rose. I'm here to collect Dimitri's things. He said his stuff is not in the unit you used to share?"
"He's very welcome to come and get anything he wants," Rose said passively, all her usual spunk demonstrably absent. "I do need to talk to him."
"He doesn't want to speak with you, Rose. Ever. He's absolutely devastated. I know you've always been impulsive, but I can believe you would cheat on him. Not after everything you two have been through together. I really thought you, and he were the real deal."
"We are the real deal!" Rose snapped. "I love Dimitri more than you could ever know."
"Not enough to be faithful to him," Christian sneered, his contemptuous look judge and jury. Rose tried to open her mouth to deny Christian's assertion of infidelity, but nothing came. No matter how hard she tried to say the words that she hadn't cheated – that Lara was her child but not biologically – nothing came out. Christian regarded Rose with a look of victory, believing her silence to be an admission of guilt.
"Look I don't want to argue. Just get Dimitri's things together. He said he doesn't want anything you've given him – but he wants his clothes and books."
Rose looked around. The only box she had handy was a nearly empty diaper box, and that would only add insult to injury. So instead, she found a garbage bag in the kitchenette. Quickly moving through to her bedroom, she started pulling Dimitri's clothes out of the closet, neatly folding them and putting them into the bag. She was trying to be quiet, but nonetheless, she woke Lara who'd been sleeping in the bassinette beside Rose's bed.
The infant started to cry. She needed to be changed, and it was coming up to her feed time, so she was irritable. Rose picked Lara up in one arm, carrying the bag back out into the tiny living room where Christian was waiting. He looked at the baby, noticing her brown hair and hazel green eyes.
"Adrian's, I assume?" Christian said, sounding even colder. Once again, Rose found herself unable to respond. So instead, she placed the wailing Lara under her jungle gym and went to the bookshelf, carefully pulling Dimitri's treasured tomes and putting them in the bag. Her hand paused over some of the books – several had been gifts from her for Christmases and birthdays past. Even though Dimitri had said he wanted nothing she'd given him, Rose decided to leave the final decision in his hands; if he didn't want any of the books, he could dispose of them. There were other things in the unit which were Dimitri's, but she'd need to go through and identify them.
"These are his clothes, shoes, and books," Rose said handing the bag to Christian before scooping up the crying Lara. "There's other stuff I will sort out this week and put aside for him." Christian nodded, looking at Rose as she held her child.
"So what did you call her?" he asked.
"Lara. Lara Andrea Be… Hathaway, now I guess," Rose said, her eyes tearing up with the realization that Dimitri wanted nothing to do with her and her adopted baby, and certainly would not be sharing his name with either of them. "Didn't Dimitri say?"
"Guardian Belikov is refusing to speak to anyone about the issue. He asked me to get his things, and then asked me and everyone else never to mention you or your child again. As far as he's concerned, he doesn't know a Rosemarie Hathaway and never has." Rose flinched as Christian turned to the door. He turned back to fire his parting shot.
"You disgust me, Rose. Everyone at Court knows what you've done and feels the same way I do. Whatever bad comes of this, know that you deserve it." And with that, Christian let himself out of Rose's rooms.
After Christian's visit, it took Rose a week to get the confidence to leave her rooms. In fact, she probably would have stayed put for longer except she recognized Lara needed fresh air, and also Rose needed to make arrangements for Lara at Court's crèche. Deciding that a pram was just too conspicuous, especially since they'd need to use an elevator which would exit into the Palace's very busy front foyer, Rose instead decided to use the strap-on baby carrier. Much harder to fit than it looked, after half an hour Rose had it on and carefully placed Lara in it. Then packing a nappy bag with everything she thought she could possibly need, Rose set out down the stairs and across Court to the crèche.
Managing to avoid anyone she knew during the five-minute walk, Rose was not unaware of the stares and whispers as she passed. Christian had not been lying when he said that 'everyone' knew what Dimitri believed to have happened. Not meeting anyone's gaze, Rose tried to appear unaffected and upbeat, although inside she was a mess. However, she knew she couldn't fall apart – she needed to keep it together for Lara – so Rose strode onwards imagining the whispers and looks were raindrops, and she was an umbrella – impervious to it all.
At the crèche, it was little better. For a moment, Rose was concerned they would not accept Lara's enrolment, however, happily, their greed overcame any moral objections. Accordingly, they offered Lara a position, even agreeing to take her a few days earlier than the usual six-week minimum age, naming an exorbitant daily fee. Rose mentally freaked out a little, agreeing to their terms. She'd known ahead of time how much daycare would cost, but when she'd considered raising Lara, she'd factored in Dimitri's wage as well as her own. Now she was doing it solo, daycare would take more than seventy percent of her weekly salary. Thank God she was a Queen's Guardian, and as such on the highest Guardian pay scale – because without that extra money, Rose wouldn't even be able to cover the weekly daycare payments.
Lara woke toward the end of the tour, so after signing away most of her savings with the two-week security deposit and enrolment fee, Rose found a park bench and proceeded to give Lara the bottle she'd prepared earlier. Unused to being outside, Lara was more fractious than usual and kept attaching and detaching from the teat. Finally settling in to feed, Lara guzzled down her milk more quickly than Rose had ever seen. The bottle drained, Rose was moving her to burp when Lara projectile vomited all over the baby carrier and Rose's shirt.
Frantically searching in the nappy bag, Rose tried to clean herself as best as she could while holding Lara in one arm, sponging the sodden carrier and her shirt with a baby wipe. Finally deciding it was like holding back a tsunami with a roll of paper towel, Rose ended up using Lara's spare onesie to mop up the worst of it. When Rose had packed everything she thought she might need, a spare top for herself had not been amongst it.
Unwilling to put Lara back into the vomit-soaked carrier, Rose had to carry her back to the Palace. And if people had been staring before, it was nothing on how they were looking now. Her white shirt obviously covered in puke, smelling to high heaven, Rose debated going the long way around to avoid observation versus heading straight to her rooms but passing the more populated café strip. Her need to be clean trumping her need to be unobserved, Rose chose the latter, striding determinedly past the cafés. Keeping as far from the outdoor lighting as possible, Rose was relieved that still being cool out, the outdoor seating was largely unused, most patrons preferring the warmer inside seats. In fact, she'd almost made it to the end of the strip when a door opened and out stepped Lissa and Christian, flanked by several of the Queen's Guard and, of course, Dimitri.
Rose couldn't help it. Her eyes locked with his. Used, as she was, to his eyes showing love and affection even when he was on duty, the cold way Dimitri regarded her was a shock. Rose stopped dead in her tracks. She wanted to run to Dimitri and declare her love. She wanted to tell him she'd never been unfaithful, and if she couldn't be with him, she didn't want to be with anyone. She wanted to tell him the only reason she'd even considered Lissa's crazy plan was to give them the chance to love and raise a child together – because she knew that was something he really wanted.
Lissa turned to see Rose, blanching when she saw Rose was carrying Lara before her eyes lingered on Rose's filthy shirt and baby carrier. Someone who didn't know Lissa so well would not have noticed it, but Rose could see her best friend's face wrinkle imperceptibly in disgust.
"Rose," Lissa said in a decidedly cool tone of voice. "If you'll excuse us, we're running a little behind schedule."
Rose nodded, too distraught to even speak. Lissa turned and grabbed Christian's arm, cuddling against him affectionately. The Queen's Guard closed ranks around the Royal couple as they followed Dimitri back toward the Palace. Despite Rose having the same destination, she dallied and took the long way around – wanting to make sure the group was long gone before she and Lara made her way back to their rooms. The whole way there, Rose's mind was occupied with the way Dimitri had stared at her. As though she was the most repulsive thing he had ever seen. And Rose knew it had nothing to do with the fact she had been covered in Lara's vomit.
Rosemarie. Word of what you have done has reached me. While I was never thrilled that you took up with your older mentor and fellow Guardian, I had thought you would be faithful to him. What you have done is repulsive, and reinforces every stereotype about Dhampir women. I can honestly say I have never been more disappointed in you.
I wish you every luck with your daughter. Perhaps, in time, you will learn that things were not so easy for me as you imagined. But I cannot support what you've done, forgive the hurt you've caused, or the shame you've brought to our family.
Guardian Janine Hathaway
Rose had never expected much from her mother. Things had improved, marginally, as she got older and Janine had undoubtedly been a lot more approving once Rose had become Lissa's primary Guardian and Captain of the Queen's Guard, however, Janine's regard had always been laced with a hefty measure of disapproval about many of Rose's life choices. For example, it didn't escape Rose's attention that Janine's first even vaguely supportive comment about her relationship with Dimitri came with a rebuke about Rose's supposed mistreatment of him. Janine hadn't even bothered to ask Rose's side of the story – which was in no way surprising.
Since he'd come into Rose's life, Abe had been much more approving than Janine. Happy to accept Rose as she was, and not as he might want her to be, Rose had no qualms admitting that of her parents Abe was the one she preferred. It sucked, big time, that he was in hiding right now. If Rose had a way to contact him, she would have done so in an instant. More than anything, right now, she could have used his unequivocal support and, frankly, some of his moolah, too!
The sad thing was, Abe would almost certainly love to know Lara. He'd missed all of Rose's formative years, something he'd mentioned he regretted more than once. Abe wouldn't care that Lara wasn't biologically Rose's – he'd love Lara because Rose had chosen to make Lara her daughter – irrespective of the child's parentage. All of which made Abe's absence particularly painful. Rose was loath to admit it, but she and Lara needed someone in their corner right now – and Abe was the person she knew always had her back.
Lissa – can you please visit me in my rooms when you get a chance? I need to speak with you. It's important.
Rose pressed send, hoping Lissa would respond to her text. She suspected Lissa would – because the alternative was Rose would come to see her, and more than anything Rose thought Lissa would want to avoid that. To be frank, the idea of leaving her room again scared the living daylights out of Rose. Even discounting the fact she'd seen Dimitri on her last trip out, the public's reaction to Rose had been so much more intense than she'd expected. Sometimes it was easy for Rose to forget that as Lissa's primary Guardian, the youngest ever for a reigning monarch, she was known and conspicuous. After her trip out with Lara the other day, this fact had been well and truly reinforced!
There was no response from Lissa for almost forty-eight hours, and Rose was thinking she'd have to resort to paying her a visit when there was a knock at her door late one evening. Hoping it was Dimitri finally ready to speak, Rose smoothed her hair and checked the room was tidy before she answered.
"Let me in before someone sees me!" Lissa demanded, looking up and down the deserted corridor in alarm.
"Why should it matter if anyone sees you?" Rose asked, nonetheless letting Lissa into her suite and closing the door after her.
"Because I'm here without my guard," Lissa said evasively. "What's up?"
"Lissa – I need you to remove the compulsion so I can tell Dimitri Lara is not my biological child. I'm miserable without him! I love him so much, and I want Lara to know the love of two parents. If you're worried about Christian finding out, you could compel both of us to say nothing!"
Lissa listened to all Rose had to say before shaking her head.
"Because of his time as a Strigoi, Dimitri is basically impervious to compulsion. It would never hold. Besides, if people see Dimitri forgiving you, they'll start to wonder why. I can't allow that to happen; this is the best way."
"The best for who Lissa? Christian said Dimitri is heartbroken thinking I cheated, and so am I. Eddie doesn't know he's a father. Adrian has no idea people suspect him of something he didn't do. Christian trusts you, even though he shouldn't, and Lara is going to grow up in a life of poverty. With daycare, health insurance, diapers and formula I can't pay my bills. My father has gone incognito, so there's no help coming from him, and Janine sent me a message saying she's disgusted with me and as far as she's concerned what I've done is unforgivable. The only person this works out for is you!" Rose hissed, furious at Lissa and the damage she'd done.
"You promised me this would all work out. That it would be a wonderful chance for Dimitri and me to have a child to love. You promised me that as Queen you could make whatever I needed happen. Lara is not even a month old, and I've already gone through all my savings. I need your help, Liss. I need you to pay at least half of Lara's daycare, because I can't cover it and everything else without help from Dimitri's wage, and thanks to you he wants nothing to do with me!"
Lissa was perched on the edge of the sofa. Lara was on the floor under her play gym, but her Majesty was looking anywhere but at her daughter – a fact that did not escape Rose's attention.
"I'll see what I can do," Lissa responded softly, standing. "I really am sorry, Rose" she added, still not meeting her former best friend's eyes. "This wasn't how I thought things would turn out."
"I don't believe that," Rose replied bitterly. "If you had enough integrity to feel sorry, you would never have done this in the first place. Taking your daughter as my own has already cost me the love of my life – it's not fair that it bankrupts me, too. Just stick to your pledge; give me the help you promised to help me to raise your child."