A/N: Finally, after all the emotional mess, we're starting to head into resolution territory. Hope you will enjoy the way things will unfold.

1 month later

Cas did not come back! Of course he wouldn't, Dean reminded himself on an almost daily basis. He had clearly pushed him too far, had made sure Cas wanted to have nothing to do with him ever again. And as for Sam, their relationship was strained at the best of times and Dean didn't know how to make it right again.

He had tried calling Cas, Sam had tried calling him but he never answered his phone. Dean had no idea whether it was to give him a taste of his own medicine or not, but if so, he clearly deserved it. That feeling of just punishment did not stop him from wanting to go after his friend, to find him and somehow make this all ok, but every time Sam stopped him, well, talked to him and convinced him to give Cas more time. Dean knew that if he really wanted to go, nothing could have stopped him. But he was hesitating, out of fear or shame or, most likely, both. That look of finality that Cas had given him kept him awake at night on a regular basis. Still, he wished that the son of a bitch would just let them know that he was alive.

It had been two weeks before there was any sign of life from the former angel. He had called Sam… of course he called Sam! Apparently they shared this unspeakable bond now, maybe due to something that happened while they were getting it on. And Dean had felt his jealousy flare up in full force. Cas had called to let him know (not them!) that he was ok but no… he did not want to tell him where he was. He believed that he was better of on his own for now. Sam, the bastard that he was, was all understanding and agreeing with Cas about needing space, while Dean wanted nothing more than to grab the phone and demand of Cas to tell them where the hell he was.

He had hated them both in that moment. For what they had apparently been able to hold on to despite this whole mess. Something that Dean had clearly lost. Sam was the one Cas would contact, the one he still cared for enough to stop him from worrying about his wellbeing. And this resentment did nothing to help healing the relationship between him and his brother. Things were tense and far from fine. Dean just couldn't help it. Sam was the one who got what he himself had wanted, and as much as his logical side knew it was unfair to put this all on Sam, that really Dean had only himself to blame, he couldn't help it. Add to that his ongoing internal struggle with accepting this bisexual side of his, and yes, Dean knew that both he and his relationship with his brother were all kinds of messed up.

Sam had also picked up on the fact that all was not well between them, despite the chat they had that fateful day. Ever since then Dean had withdrawn back into himself, but he could see the strain on his older brother's face. Then after Cas had called, Dean outright started to sulk at him and, being the stubborn bastard that he was, had refused to talk about it. It had taken Sam a whole bottle of whiskey one night to finally get him to open up and they ended up shouting at one another. Thankfully, it eventually turned out to be kind of therapeutic. Dean, for the first time, had let Sam see him for who he really was, every part of him. Even the part which acknowledged that he liked guys but still hated himself for it. He was hurt and confused, and so petrified that he had messed up the one thing that could maybe, possibly have given him some happiness. That he might have scared away someone who could have shared his miserable existence with besides Sam. Because, like it or not, one day Sam would find someone and leave. Dean had made it very clear that he wanted Sam to be happy, but that right now, he also kind of detested him for what he let happen with Cas.

Sam didn't need reminding of that. He still beat himself up over it on an almost daily basis, feeling Dean's pain and anger on top of his own guilt and shame over how carelessly he had crossed the line with Cas, without sparing any thoughts to the consequences. A big part of him wanted to stay angry at his brother for his past behaviour, his stupidity, but he could not any longer, not after the way Dean had spilled his guts to him. He knew it would take them a long way to rebuild their relationship, but after that night it at least seemed like a possibility. It was a start.

Also, he missed Cas. That was not something that was exclusive to Dean. He had to deal with the loss of a good friend, too. In his own way, Sam had developed some kind of feelings for the scruffy guy. It was in no way comparable to what Dean must have been feeling, more like companionship than romance, but it didn't mean it was not valid. Sitting in the library on his own was no fun. There was something missing. There was no one to share his nerdy jokes with, to ask exasperating questions about the most basic of topics. On top of that, he had to be the strong one, for Dean, hiding the true extent of his emotional state, while on the inside going mad with worry about Cas.

He was so relieved when Cas had finally called, and on a totally selfish note was happy that things between them didn't seem to have reached the point of no return. Although he did ask for more time and asked for Sam not to contact him for now. Dean had been mad as hell at him for not squeezing Cas for more information, but Sam just knew pushing Cas too far might just drive him away for good.

And then suddenly 'where and how Cas was' had to take a backseat, as something big and bad was happening over in Illinois. Weird sightings, people turning up dead with their eyes burned out and it just looked and smelled unmistakeably of angels. They had been silent for a long time but for some reason decided to make themselves known now and it was the only lead they had, so the two brothers packed their stuff and headed out to investigate.

#

Cas sat cross-legged on the bed in his motel room, an assortment of newspaper articles and printouts from the local library strewn across his legs. He had been looking for any signs of his brothers and sisters, and after months of nothing, a few days ago things started to happen. It had taken him over a day to get here and book himself into this crappy motel. But he was almost out of money; the little he had taken with him when he had left the bunker had run out a long time ago, so he couldn't afford any luxuries. But he had managed to hustle some money along the way. Who would have thought that all those evenings Sam had tried to teach him poker would come in handy one day. He had just agreed to play a game out of desperation one night but to his great joy, realised that he was rather good at it and since then, he managed to wring a few people out of some money whenever he was short of cash. He had that look of an awkward novice about him and was getting rather good at using it to his advantage. Dean would have been proud of him.

And just like that, his heart started aching, his stomach twisting itself into a painful knot, just like it did every time he allowed his thoughts to focus on Dean. Normally he was pretty good at brushing it aside, focusing on the task at hand but there were times, just like now, when his guard was down and memories, along with the pain of betrayal, and still the longing for the man, were coming back and threatened to overwhelm him.

It had taken him two weeks to just work up enough courage to call Sam to at least let him know that he was alive and well. Initially he had planned on making a clear break, not contacting either of them again. He thought it would be best to leave the brothers to sort out whatever issues they had and then to move on with their lives. He was just a complication, apparently always bringing out the worst in both Winchesters, and with the added guilt over that night with Sam and the raging jealousy and anger about what Dean had done, he thought it was best to keep away.

But in all honestly he had started to miss them, and he was reminded of his and Sam's distress when Dean just left without a word and he did not want to be that person. So he had picked up the phone and called Sam. And it had felt good to hear his voice. Maybe one day he and Sam could rebuild their friendship. As for Dean, Cas was still too raw to even think about him (much). He hoped that eventually he would be able to detangle these emotions and cut them out and then maybe be able to face Dean again. But for now, he knew that he needed to stay away, for his own sanity if nothing else.

Plus, Cas needed to work out this being human business. Needed to learn to stand on his own two feet. Find out his strengths and weaknesses and as people always say, learn from his own mistakes. And he felt he already had made too many of those in his short time as a human. The guilt about the devastation of heaven bore down on him and he needed to find a way to make it right. He was actually very grateful that Sam had taught him about doing research and looking for clues even in the most unlikely of places.

But in the end, it would have been impossible to miss. It was all over the news, the weird sightings and deaths. All of Cas' instincts went to high alert and he packed up what little belongings he had, including his old angel blade, and headed out on the first bus to Illinois. He was desperate to find some answers. If there was even a remote chance one of the fallen angels was there, he needed to risk exposing himself to speak to them. He knew there was a good chance they would want him dead, but if there was a way of making this whole mess right, he would take the risk.

#

Dean and Sam stopped at the first halfway decent looking motel in a town called Savana, near enough to the wildlife reserve where three of the four bodies were found. It was a standard, run of the mill room, with two beds, outdated decor and a clean enough bathroom. While Sam took a leak Dean turned on the TV, looking for a local news station to see if there was any news about the killings.

He unpacked as he listened to the reporter drone on and on, interviewing eye witnesses for what sounded like the millionth time, and Sam soon joined him, going through their inventory, deciding on what they will need for the night, intermittently glancing at the TV. The show cut to a live report from the actual site where the bodies were found, the area still cordoned off by yellow tape and bystanders filling the spaces around it.

Something must have caught Sam's attention as he stared at the screen and Dean looked up as well.

"Dude is that…?" Sam asked incredulously, pointing at a face in the crowd, head covered with a beanie and a short beard hiding part of his face. But Sam was sure he would recognise those blue eyes anywhere.

"Cas…!?" Dean finished the sentence for him. His pulse sped up and he jumped up, staring at the screen in disbelief for a second, before grabbing his jacket and running out towards the Impala. If he still believed in God, he would call this a sign. Cas was here and he would not let this chance pass him by.

"Dean? Where are you going?" Sam yelled after him.

"It's Cas… I have to find him…he's there right now!" Dean shouted as he climbed into the car and drove off, not sparing Sam another glance.

Sam watched him drive off, tail lights disappearing into the distance, with words of "Dean, wait" still hanging on his lips. He went back inside, slamming the door with a lot more force than necessary and cursing under his breath. Stupid brother of his! Always acting on impulse, never thinking things through. Cas had said he needed time, why couldn't Dean get this? He promised himself, if his ass of a brother was going to make this mess worse and drive their friend away for good, he would kill him himself and he was only half joking.

Frustrated and worried, he did the only thing he could, and continued, to the best of his ability, to prepare for any chance encounter with rogue angels that could possibly await them. They were still causing mayhem in the city, even if Dean seemed to have forgotten this fact at the mere mention of Cas' name.

#

Of course, by the time Dean got to the scene, Cas was nowhere to be found. The TV crew was packing up and most of the bystanders had already dispersed, leaving only a handful of people and the police who were guarding the area. Dean asked a few people if they had noticed a guy in a beanie with blue eyes and a beard but no one could remember anything. Of fucking course.

But Cas was around here somewhere and Dean would find him. He was chancing a guess he would be staying in a motel somewhere, unless he was out of money, in which case he would just have to hang around here and wait for him to turn up again. But there were only about 4 motels within a close enough distance to this part of the forest and Dean pulled up the addresses on his phone.

It was in the third motel, a rather cheap and shabby place, that the bored and probably slightly drunk receptionist, after some persuasion with a 20 dollar bill, could vaguely remember a guy fitting that description having booked into no. 15.

And now Dean stood outside the door, hand itching to knock but scared as hell. If Cas was in, what would he even say? Would he just throw the door back in his face? He had made it quite clear that he did not want to be found. Suddenly Dean wasn't feeling so confident anymore. But Dean needed this chance, just one chance to explain himself, to apologise. To tell Cas how he really felt and if he still wanted him gone, he would go. But he owed this to Cas and to himself.

With a final, tense breath he brought his hand up and knocked. He actually didn't expect Cas to open the door, if he had learned anything from Dean and Sam at all, it would be not to open a door if you're not expecting anyone. But clearly, their friend must have missed that lesson as after a moment the door opened a crack and Dean saw one blue eye look out, widening in shock as it took in who was on the other side and then the door swung open, and there he was, Cas. He looked tired and like he had lost some weight, and that beard, that Dean had briefly glanced on the TV earlier, added to the ragged look. After the initial shock, Cas looked at him with a blank expression on his face and Dean gulped, swallowing through the tightness he felt in his throat.

"Dean, what are you doing here?" Cas stated dryly and the hunter could feel himself want to hide away from the piercing gaze, from those eyes, but he needed to do this.

"Cas, please, one minute, I just want to talk…" Dean honest to god begged, and if needed, he would fucking get on his knees to get the point across. He just needed this chance.

Cas deflected his pleading request with a question of his own. "So … you're here for the deaths aren't you…?" he let out a small huff. "Of course … I should have expected this… how did you find me though?"

"Well, if you want to stay unfound, best not to hang around TV crews," Dean offered in terms of an explanation and was grateful Cas was at least talking to him.

"Yes, that makes sense. Apparently I still need to learn a lot…" Cas said before allowing himself to look at Dean properly for the first time in weeks. Oh god, how he had missed him and how he had dreaded this moment at the same time. Seeing him again was like pouring salt onto an open wound. The hurt must have shown in his face as Dean visibly cringed.

"Cas… I'm sorry … please … I just need to talk to you."

"What is there to talk about Dean?" Cas asked in a flat tone.

"Ok, then maybe just listen?" Dean knew he sounded desperate but he felt it too, so what if he was going for broke.

Cas seemed to consider this for a moment before he nodded his head.

Dean let out a nervous huff. Now that he had Cas' attention, he actually didn't know what to say, where to even start. 'Sorry' would not be enough. He was still incredibly jealous and - his emotions were running away with him. Cas just looked at him with his unique mixture of expectancy and reservation, and oh god, this was all going to go horribly wrong and this was not what Dean had come here to talk about, but he just needed to know. Just thinking about it still filled him with resentment.

"Do you … have you got feelings for Sam?" he blurted out before he could stop himself.

Cas looked at him like he suddenly had started to speak Chinese and cocked his head to the side, actually letting out a minute laugh at the question.

"Is that what you came here to ask me?" he sounded surprised and a little bit pissed. Dean could feel his shoulders slump but he held Cas' gaze.

"No, I came to apologise … but now … I just need to know, otherwise whatever I might say next might not mean anything." He had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from carrying on and to keep somewhat grounded.

"Of course I have feelings for Sam," Cas stated so matter-of-factly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Dean felt like the rug had been pulled from under his feet.

"Oh … I see …" he said, not able to hide the hurt in his voice. He had prepared himself for this. Many long and sleepless nights he had agonised over just this situation. Despite Sam's assurances of not being romantically inclined towards Cas, there had always been the possibility of Cas having developed feelings for Sam.

Cas looked at him, confusion slowly spreading over his face.

"Why wouldn't I have feelings for him? He is a good friend and ... if I'm not mistaken you have feelings for him too."

"Dude!" Dean yelled, "Not those kind of feelings!" he quickly added and gradually the dawning of understanding spread across Cas' face.

"Oh … what I mean is I care for him as a friend," he added quickly in terms of an explanation.

"Just a friend?" Dean asked, not allowing himself to relax just yet, every muscle in his body wound so tight it hurt.

"Well, yes and … possibly as … family," Cas added, sounding shy all of a sudden, studying Dean carefully for a reaction.

Dean's eyes lit up at that. "Family, yes … of course … I told you you're family." Family Dean understood, and family meant the world to him.

Cas face was graced with a small smile that made Dean's insides flip.

They stood like that for a long time, staring at each other, both knowing that there still were things … one thing in particular they were both afraid to bring up.

"So … am I family to you too then?" Cas broke the silence eventually.

"Cas I told you before that you're family; that you're like a brother to me…"

"Brother … okay." Cas' face fell at those words, a finality setting over his features and Dean realised that what he had said could be easily misunderstood. He couldn't help that little flutter of hope deep down in his gut at the way Cas had reacted. He sounded almost disappointed at being regarded just as a brother. Did he want to be more? And if so, what? And Dean realised he better be saying something, having stared at Cas for an unacceptable amount of time, before Cas might turn away from him for good.

"No … I mean … Cas …" he gulped, searching for the right thing to say. "Oh god … you're more than a brother to me Cas, I … you know…" Dean stammered, knowing what he should be saying but not being able to quite let the words pass his lips yet. Shit, if he screwed this up this really would be it.

"No Dean, I don't know … because you, me… we have spent all our time trying NOT to talk about this. What, Dean? What am I to you?"

"You are … Cas I need you! … I told you I needed you … I … twice I told you and both times you still left…" Dean let all he hurt and bitterness he still felt about Cas leaving bleed into his words.

"I'm sorry for that Dean. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time… but why would you need me? Back then, I was useful to you and maybe you felt some kind of loyalty to me for all the things we've been through … but look at me now, who could possibly need me … plus we just keep hurting each other and I'm tired of it."

"You idiot, is that why you stayed away?" Dean didn't know what else to say to get it through Cas' big scull that he needed him, just because he was Cas and he was in love … oh … there was the word he was so scared to even think about. A word that had always petrified him unless it was applied to a member of his family and not in the romantic 'love' context. But, shit, he had already admitted to himself to not wanting to spend his life without Cas, the mere thought of it made him feel sick. What was that if not love?

"Cas, why won't you listen to me… I NEED you … I … goddammit Cas." Dean's heart was racing, hands clammy and his head felt like it was about to explode. All these pent up and hidden away emotions were surfacing at once. His love and longing for the man in front of him, combined with a deep panic, a fear of, what if Cas would not understand him or worse, did not want this? Dean took a deep, harsh breath, holding it in before letting it escape again in a loud exhale. Cas was staring at him, but Dean could not decipher the emotions hidden behind those blue eyes. "Dammit…" he exclaimed again. He knew he had to go for broke. "Fuck, Cas … I am in love with you!" Dean could feel his world spinning as those words left his mouth, but finally, they were out and Dean would not want to take them back.

The words seem to hit Cas with such force that he momentarily took a step back. Dean flinched at the sudden distance. Shit, he had laid himself bare, and still, it probably had been too little too late. Maybe if he had confessed earlier, if he had not made such a mess of things, Cas and him would have had a chance. But here Cas was, retreating and Dean shattered, more with every second that passed with Cas just looking at him.

Cas was unable to breathe. He was gob smacked into silence and just stared at Dean for a long moment. The words were bouncing around in his head, reverberating and getting louder with every passing second.

"Love?" he asked, perplexed. "Dean … why did you never …" Cas started, but was cut off by Dean.

"I don't know, ok? Because I'm an emotionally repressed ass … I don't do relationships … I don't fall in love… I was fucking scared out of my mind because of all things possible, I fell in love with a guy … take your pick, Cas," Dean said, staring at the floor, not daring to meet Cas' eyes. "I'm sorry Cas. I'm really messed up and you deserve better than…"

"Dean, shut up … please." Cas voice sounded so broken and pleading that Dean's eyes came up and landed on the bright blue ones of Castiel, now shimmering with moisture.

"I need a second …" Cas stated and Dean nodded in understanding, still too scared to breathe and feeling his own eyes sting. Part of him still wanted to run, didn't want to stick around for the inevitable, but the better part of him knew he for once had to stick this out till the end, no matter what that end might look like.

Cas felt numb, even as his heart was racing and his palms were getting sweaty. Oh God, what would he have given a few months ago … even a few weeks ago, to hear those words. But now … he had finally accepted the fact that Dean and him were not meant to be and finally started to emotionally detach himself. But of course, one look at the hunter had him realise that he would never be free of Dean, would never stop to care for him, to crave his presence, to be ready to give up everything for him. And here he was, the man he loved, spelling it out for him. And it hit Cas at that moment, what a big step this must have been for Dean to say what he had and … was Cas prepared to open himself up to Dean, to fight for what they could have if for a change they would both pull on the same string?

"Dean …I …" he whispered and stopped, when those green eyes moved to look at him. He could tell Dean was bracing himself, his shoulders drawn back and mouth shut tight.

"I … this is all still so new to me but … I can safely say that I am in love with you too, probably have been before I even really understood what it was…but…"

Dean's jaw clenched so tight he was sure it would break. Of course there had to be a 'but'.

"I don't know how to do this," Cas continued, sounding so human and scared all of a sudden, his face an array of conflicting emotions, and all of them directed at Dean.

Oh god. Dean was sure he was about to have a panic attack. If Cas didn't know how to do this, Dean sure as hell did not. He couldn't even get himself to move and Cas was still halfway across the room, looking at him expectantly, like he held all the answers.

"Cas… I … I …" he wanted nothing more than to cross the distance and show Cas that he was being serious, but years of internalised homophobia and fear were not so easily overcome. Voices were screaming in his head, that he was not about to kiss a guy. He needed them to shut up, because he wanted to, really, he just didn't know how to get there.

"Damn, I love you Cas, but … I don't know … I can't do this!" Dean swallowed hard against the lump in his throat as the words left his mouth and a feeling of cold dread was working itself up his spine.

"Ok… I understand," Cas stated grimly and detached, like he had always known and was about to turn and walk back into the room, leaving Dean standing at the door.

"CAS! NO! That's not what I meant." Dean's panicked voice cut through the silence. He took a step into Cas' room and closed the door. "I … I want you, this … but I can't … I need you to make the first move, Cas … please." Dean begged and when had his body started to shake?

Cas stopped, turned around and his incredibly blue eyes bore straight into Dean's soul, just like they used to when he was still an angel. Dean felt utterly exposed and laid open but at the same time it felt like coming home. He was holding his breath, still pleading, begging Cas with his own eyes to do something. To do what Dean was too scared to.

Cas' damn heart was about to beat out of his chest, he could feel it pound so hard he was dizzy. He let his eyes roam over Dean, still standing against the door, the internal struggle evident on his face, accompanied by a few stray tears slowly making their way down his face, and he looked so vulnerable and so beautiful at the same time. Cas wanted nothing more than to wipe those tears away and he could do this. He could be brave for the both of them.

He slowly took a few steps towards Dean until they were face to face, only a few inches separating them. Dean's mouth was parted and he was taking in short, sharp gasps, not unlike when someone couldn't breathe out of fear. His hands were hanging loosely at his sides and his eyes were not quite meeting Cas' gaze.

"Dean…" Cas rasped, his breath intermingling with Dean's and sending a shiver through him. He brought one of his hands up and wiped away a tear that was trailing down Dean's cheek with his thumb. He could feel Dean tremble at the touch. "Dean," he said again, almost reverently now, as his thumb trailed down from Dean's cheek, past his jaw and slowly traced along his upper lip, moist and warm. Dean leaned into the touch and Cas continued to let his thumb stroke and explore the outline of Dean's mouth. Dean was gasping and closing his eyes and Cas took that as his cue to lean in and replace his thumb with his mouth and then their lips met and Cas could feel himself shiver, goosebumps breaking out all over his skin. It was only a chaste press but it was electric. Dean was slowly relaxing and let out a sigh against his lips that made his own tingle and Cas never wanted to do anything else ever again.

After a moment Cas pulled away, looking at Dean who opened his eyes and suddenly Cas could see it. All the love and desire and want - it was like something had finally unhinged in Dean, a small smile gracing his face, and then it was Dean leaning in, pressing his lips against Cas' and moaning.

Dean let out a sigh, a breath he must have held in for years if the sheer freedom he felt from letting it go was anything to go by. He was kissing a guy. Not just any guy but CAS … and by god, it felt so right. Dean knew his world would never be the same again but he did not care. When they broke apart, all Dean wanted was to chase Cas' lips, to feel that delicious pressure again and, finally, now he was ready to allow himself this feeling, this need, and with a smile his mouth followed Cas' until they connected again. Dean brought up a hand and pulled Cas in by the neck, deepening the kiss and then Cas parted his lips and his tongue darted out, licking along the seam of Dean's mouth and Dean lost all ability to think. He let Cas enter and met his tongue eagerly with his own, while pulling Cas even closer.

Cas was trembling from the sensation of kissing Dean. It was too much and not enough at the same time. He had wanted this for so long, thought it would never happen and now here they were and he needed more. Wanted as much of Dean as he could get. He reached around Dean with one of his arms, pulling him in tighter and his other hand started to card through the short hair on the back of Dean's head.

They continued kissing frantically, wet and messy, like two drowning men gasping for air and soon just kissing wasn't enough anymore as their hands started to roam over backs and chests and then worked their way under shirts to grab and stroke at exposed skin. They both were incredibly turned on and hard by now. All the built up sexual tension from over the years was exploding in one big bang. Their erections were pressing urgently together, both seeking pressure and friction as their hips started undulating frantically.

"Dean…" Cas whimpered when they parted but for a second to catch their breath, before reattaching their red and swollen lips. Dean wasn't even able to form Cas' name in his mouth and just gasped and grunted in need. He felt the other man's hands travel down and paw at his belt buckle urgently. It only took him a moment to unbuckle it and pop the button and then Cas' hands found their way into Dean's jeans and took hold of his straining hard-on and Dean's breath was punched out of him as his head fell back against the wall with a thud.

"Cas … oh …" he groaned, the tight grip Cas had on his dick was almost painful but oh-so-good and … no … Dean could feel himself go rigid as thoughts of who else Cas had been doing this with were flashing in his mind, clear as day.

Cas stopped, feeling something was wrong with Dean. He had gone from a writhing mess, pliant and needy to staring at him and holding himself all too awkwardly for Cas' liking. He panted and tried to get himself under control.

"Dean?" He asked when he was able to speak again. "What is it?" Had he gone too fast, too far? Did Dean change his mind all of a sudden?

"Is nothing," Dean said. He was just being stupid. It was not like Sam and Cas were cheating on him at the time. Still, that sting of jealousy was painful, stabbing him in the heart repeatedly, even now.

"Dean … please … I can tell something is off … let's not start this with more secrets and lies…" Cas implored looking worried and feeling like he was going to be sick.

Dean nodded and yes, if they were going to do this, they have to do this right. "It's … Cas … I … you and Sam … I just can't get it out of my head … I need to know … what did you do?"

Cas swallowed and looked at Dean long and hard. "Dean … I don't know if me telling you will help the situation and …"

"Cas, I need to know, I just … it keeps haunting me and …"

"Dean, let me ask you something …" Cas said resting his head against Dean's. "Will this be something we will be able to get past? Because if not, then this will be doomed from the start."

"No… yes, I mean … I want to get past this, I will get past this … and maybe you don't understand, but I need to know because I'm sure anything I come up with in my head will be a 1000 times worse than reality."

Cas heard the desperation in Dean's voice and, if anything, he understood Dean better than he would have him believe. It had been numerous times Cas had tortured himself with images of Dean with random guys and what they might or might not have been up to.

"Ok, honesty it is …" Cas nodded his head. "We did not have actual sex." Cas could feel the exhale Dean released at that revelation. "I … we … that night we did stuff twice, first we just climaxed without actually removing our pants and then the second time … we used our hands." Cas felt awkward talking about it like that. Despite it having been a one time thing, it had felt special at the time and while in retrospect he wished they never had gone there, reality was that it did happen. Now they needed to find a way to deal with it.

Dean was quiet, fighting with the jealousy of his brother, even while he knew really he was in no position to judge. Which he was painfully reminded of a moment later when Cas spoke again.

"And you? What did you do Dean? What did those men do to you? How many? How far?" Cas asked now looking at Dean with a fierce and possessive glint in his eyes, the intensity of which made Dean shudder and gasp. He didn't want to tell him, didn't want Cas to think any less of him but Cas deserved the truth, had answered his own question. If they wanted to stand a chance they needed to start to be honest with each other.

He closed his eyes for a moment, colleting his thoughts and to escape Cas' intense gaze for a moment. "Honestly, I don't quite know how many … 10 … 12 … but we never … I never … it had always just been blow jobs. Them blowing me … I have never … could not…" he scrambled around, trying to find the right words, while not wanting to go back to this time, a time when he hated everything about himself and the idea of being with a man like this. The strong grip of Cas' hands on his arms pulled him out of his thoughts.

He looked at Cas, who was fixing him with a calculating glare that made Dean's breath hitch again and his heart pound rapidly. Then Cas dropped to his knees and pulled down Dean's jeans and boxers in one swift motion. He looked up at Dean through dark lashes before placing his mouth over his half hard cock and sucking it into his mouth, swirling his tongue around the tip and quickly working him back to full hardness. He pulled himself off it with a big plop and started to lick up the underside, along the vein and Dean couldn't hold in the moan that was escaping him and his eyes closed for a moment as the sensation of Cas' tongue on his skin overwhelmed him.

"Like this?" Cas mumbled before teasing the tip of Dean's cock with his skilful tongue, pressing it briefly into the slit before swirling it around the top.

"Is that what they did to you?" He asked as he took Dean back into his mouth as far as he could, and sucking hard.

"Cas…" Dean grunted. Cas could feel his hand grab hold of his head and curl into his hair as he suddenly thrust in deep and he gagged as the tip of Dean's cock hit the back of his throat.

Dean's eyes flew open when Cas pulled off and coughed. He looked down and saw his hands, fingers curled in Cas' dark hair, gripping him tight, and memories of all those times, all those nameless guys who he had done this with before came back to him. Cas was still coughing but he was smiling as he looked up from his position and their eyes locked and then he was leaning in again, taking Dean back into his mouth.

Dean couldn't shake the images flooding his brain. "Cas … no … stop…" he panted and pulled hard on Cas' hair, making Cas stop and look up at him confused.

"But … isn't this what you want? What you like?" he asked, hurt evident in his voice. Why was it easy enough for Dean to do this with strangers but not with him? Was he that bad at it? But before Cas had time to have a proper freak-out Dean pulled him up by his arms and engulfed him in a big hug.

"No, not like this … Cas … too many memories…" At the look of pain in Cas' eyes he added quickly, "Not good ones believe me … I love you but … I need to take this slow." Dean's hand was back in Cas' hair and he patted it gently while his lips met the former angel's again in a soft, slow kiss.

Cas whimpered an 'ok' into Dean's open mouth and let himself get lost in the sensation of kissing the man he loved. Loved so much it hurt and if Dean needed to take this slow, he would give him the time he needed.

Still, the issue of their straining erections did not go unnoticed by Cas, especially as Dean's exposed cock was pressing urgently into the space just above his groin and he felt the ever so slight rocking of Deans hips. Cas was equally aroused, feeling the almost painful pressure of his confined erection, and he kept pressing back against Dean. Even with his limited experience concerning all things sexual, he knew they both were desperate for release. Still kissing Dean, he groped until he found one of Dean's hands and led it around to Dean's crotch placing it around his cock, giving his hand a squeeze before letting go.

"Touch yourself," he whispered, voice deep and hoarse, against Dean's mouth. Hoping he did not overstep the bounds again.

Dean whimpered needily at Cas' words, his arousal spiking and his hips pushing forward into the contact. "Oh god…ok," He groaned and yes, he could do that, wanted to feel the release, while not giving all of himself to Cas, yet. He grinned and pulled Cas back in for more kissing as he started to stroke himself with a tight grip and rocking his hips forward into his fist.

His head was swimming and he could feel his orgasm building fast. A far away part of his brain noticed Cas' own hand between them, popping open the button of his jeans and taking himself in hand. Cas was breathing erratically into his mouth, little gasps of Dean's name escaping him. Oh god, Dean had imagined this before, imagined Cas like this, looking desperate and debauched, but he was totally not prepared for what seeing the former angel this wrecked would do to him. Dean was rapidly pushed over the edge, coming with a shout, all over his fist and his shirt. He let his head fall onto Cas' shoulder, as he stroked himself through the aftershocks. His legs were shaking and could still feel Cas' hand move between them, the outside of his knuckles pressing against Dean's softening cock as he picked up speed. It only took Cas a few more strokes and then he was shaking with his release and adding to the mess between their stomachs.

They fell against each other for support, catching their breaths and holding on tight, like they were both worried the other one would disappear if they let go.

"Cas…" Dean broke the silence first, feeling vulnerable but happy. "You think we can make this work?"

"I don't know, but I'm willing to try…" Cas mumbled into Dean's chest, not wanting to think too much about what still lay ahead of them.

"Me too …" Dean whispered, not sure if this would work but willing to die trying. He just needed Cas around, needed him with every fibre of his being, wanted him back with him where he belonged.

"Cas … come home, please?!"

Apologies for the little cliff-hanger but the chapter needed to end somewhere. Only the epilogue left now, which I plan to have up in a couple of days.