Chapter 6: Facade
My sleepless night was one of long, tired misery. Insomnia generally has that affect on me, lack of sleep in general has that affect one everyone. I lied down there, in my soft, comfortable, but unnaturally foreign, sheets, for hours upon hours of restless, silent, wariness. And by the time dawn finally decides it's time to once again return to the land of humans, I'm still just laying there, inactive. And I am just as tired now as I was when I first decided to attempt sleep, if not more so. I give an audible groan as I sit up on the bed, shoulder muscles still groaning from the lack of intact, un-torn tissue because of the previous, active day. Far too active it seems, after all, I am still unused to having my shoulders and arms being the primarily used limbs in a day full of movement. But there is a more stressful type of weariness present, a weariness that lays not in my physical form, but inside the recesses of my mind. It is the weariness of keeping up a never ending facade, a never ending lie. The lie of me being a calm, collected individual that the rest of the world observes. Normally I keep this fake skin on easily, but the sleep-deprived night, as well as the physical exhaustion from yesterday, have taken a toll on my self-control. I know this because I realize I feel my pit of bitterness and anger swelling up inside me, ready to storm the surface of my emotions at a moments weakness in my battle-lines of restraint, bitterness and anger that I have grown accustomed to hiding and holding in over the past few years, bound and limited in the dark recesses of my mind. I kept it up the act at all times, even when I am with my father, my few, close friends, and hell, even when I am alone. I keep the feelings buried, try to forget them, but there are time like these where I can feel the invading whatever part of the brain regulates a human's emotions. I can't go out today. I can't let my cover slip, the anger and bitterness that will show will be interpreted as a sign of weakness, and weakness leads to exploitation, which leads to despair, and this chain reaction continues for a long time, until ending in one of two possible results.
One: The easy, cowardly way out, you take your own life.
Two: You suffer through a dark, insignificant, miserable existence where you let others control you completely.
If the religions of the world are correct in their beliefs, the first option is merely a quick and easy way out of life, and straight into the deep, burning pits of hell. I doubt this is the truth, but there is a definite possibility of this being true, so this is to be avoided at all costs. But the other option is no better, your life as a whole becomes a living hell, and is in some ways, the worst type of punishment, worse that any form of god could ever conceive, even the dark and unholy recesses of the devil's mind. Perhaps that is why religious figures around the world say that blindly following them, even if it costs you your life, livelihood, and all things you value in life, because they believe if you suffer enough in life, the devil decides to let you skip on the pits of hell and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven. Of course they paraphrase this in words that are no longer used, making it easier to deceive those they preach the "truth" to. But even if this is true, is it really any better? The only thing you accomplished in life was bend yourself to the whims of others, even though most, if not all, the time you won't know motives, goals, or anything that may give you a reason to not follow them. And governments are exactly the same as religious organizations, they would love it if they had total control over you, a weakness to exploit, and start that vicious cycle.
It is possible I'm wrong, in fact, I'm certain some don't think along the lines I believe they do. But, I truly think the majority want total control over as many people as possible, after all, power over humans is what people truly want, there are no exceptions, there are those who resist the temptation, even when they have the chance, the rest get it, or become the ones manipulated. Oh, the cruel, cold irony of it all.
I'm positive my views would land me in a mental institution on places, probably executed in many third-world countries, because at the end of the day, humans find it nearly impossible to find the truth of anything that conflicts with their image of the world. And I'm no different.
And this is why I must keep up this facade, never show weakness. Always appear calm, collected, and seem like you know what the hell you're doing. And that is why I need rest, to keep up this facade, this lie, that my life has become.
And I do wonder, is this just another scenario of the fate I have tried so hard to stay away from? Probably, but it's my only idea at the time.
But, the skin was getting easier to wear. I even have begun to actually, enjoy myself, I like being with people, I enjoy reading, I enjoy playing video games, I like playing chess, and I sure as hell love playing guitar. I legitimately enjoy myself. Maybe this isn't just a second, fake skin. I can't tell. I really can't, and that frustrates me.
But enough of that, I need sleep right now, and sleep I shall, insomnia be damned.
Short, but It does show Ben's dark thoughts despite his exterior attitude, hopefully you guys don't mind the direction this story is taking, but this is where I wanted it to go since the beginning.