"Sometimes when we were stuck, we'd stop for a minute to rest, regain our strength and let the waves take us for awhile even when we weren't going anywhere, it was still sailing." ㄧ Addison Montgomery

Chapter 6: Sail

There's nothing… Emptiness; nothing lingering about. I'm drifting around in complete darkness. I hear something… a shriek… a screech of some sort. I hear scratching. There's something moving around me… surrounding me. I hear a scream. I still see nothing but I hear someone crying. I feel a wetness at my feet and I realize that I'm standing in my own puddle of tears. It's myself that I've been hearing this whole time. I'm all alone.

I start to yell but no sound comes out of my mouth… the only yelling is in my mind. There's no one here to help me anyway. I'm all alone in my own personal Hell. I realize what brought me here… Twenty nine years of depression starting with the day I was born. The depression that grew with me through the years of neglect on my parents' behalfs; the years of craving their attention only to be shunned for not ever being enough to even pay attention to. The same depression that revealed itself to me when I started mixing my father's drinks at eight. The depression that lead me to hurting myself the first time I had to lie to my mother about the affairs my father was having when he was supposed to be taking me on playdates.

That depression only grew with me. It led me to my need to escape and I thought I fell into the right person's arms. I honestly believed in Derek, in us, in our relationship… I even thought I was getting better with managing my depression. I hadn't had an emotional breakdown in years… never once thought about my childhood and when I did, I knew how to talk about it. Derek took all that I grew into and literally washed it down the drain. He knew my weaknesses and used them to his advantage.

I had some part in this too I guess. I am weak. I let a man walk all over me after letting so many people walk over me before. I'm tired of fighting.

I give up.

I see a light… It's small but it's growing brighter. I can feel myself starting to fall as my consciousness returns to me. I hear a voice… someone calling but it's faint. The light gets brighter and now I'm able to start seeing scenery. When it all comes back to me, I realize that I'm in a hospital room. I look to my left to see a body bent over in a chair next to my bed. I look down at my arms… I see a bandage on my wrist on my left arm and a bandage still on my right hand from the mirror incident. I realize that I'm alive and a part of me wants to cry. I can't do this anymore.

When the person on my left moves, I look over to see that it's Mark. He notices that I'm awake and I could see all the worry drop from his face.

"Addison," he screams and it makes me tense up. He gets up from his seat, "Thank God you're alive! I have to call Derek!"

"No," I manage to get out. It's quiet but I think he hears me because he turns back to me and sits down.

"Red, what's going on?" he asks sincerely.

"How long was I out?"

"Two days, Addie, we thought we lost you. You lost so much blood. You tried to kill yourself, Addison. Please talk to me," he pleads reaching towards me.

I can't even look at him. I turn away as I start to feel tears welling up in my eyes.

He gently takes my good hand and gives it a little squeeze, "Is it me? Was it Derek?"

When I don't respond, he continues to talk, "Addie, I didn't say anything before because I wasn't sure but I don't know, you haven't been yourself… Then I saw the bruise on your stomach but you acted like it was nothing so I didn't mention it then you 'fell' into the bathroom mirror and now you tried committing suicide, Red, there's something way bigger going on."

I look over at him and I can already feel tears streaming down my face. It's time to tell. It's time to finally do something about this because I can't continue on like this. The moment I'm about to open up, Derek walks into the room.

"Oh, Addison! Thank God! When I found you bleeding out on the living room floor, I thought for sure you we're gone. Luckily I got you to the hospital when I did or we would've lost you," he comes over to the other side of my bed. He tries to kiss me and I turn my head away.

Mark looks at me then looks at Derek then looks back at me again. I watch as the flame literally ignites in his eyes. He stands up and looks at Derek, "Hey man, I don't think she wants you in here."

"Excuse me? This is my wife. I can be in here if I want," he says and I can feel the tension in the room rising.

"Derek, I really think you should leave," Mark says trying to remain calm.

"No, Mark, I think you should leave," he says back defensively.

Luckily a nurse walks into the room right before anything could break out. She walks over to me with a warm smile, "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, so glad you're awake. I just need to check your vitals and then I'm going to have to send someone in from psych for an evaluation whenever you're ready to talk but we can't move on with your care until you do, okay?"

"Excuse me, nurse, I was wondering if you could have this man removed," Derek says in reference to Mark.

"Is there something wrong?" the nurse asks looking down at me.

"I believe that I was the one talking to you," he says to her.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Shepherd but I'm only allowed to answer to the patient," she says then continues to work.

"I am her husband!" Derek demands loudly.

I see the nurse look at me as I tense up and she asks quietly in reference to Derek, "Would you like for me to get someone to escort him out the room?"

I nod softly and she smiles back in agreeance then walks out of the room. We all sit in here in an awkward silence as the tension continues to build up. Moments later, the nurse comes back with one of the hospital's security guards.

"Excuse me, sir but I'm going to have to ask you to leave the room," he says walking up to Derek.

He looks at me stunned then I watch as anger grows in his eyes. He nods then leaves silently out of the room.

The nurse smiles back at me, "Is there anything else I could help you with?"

"Could we just be alone for a second?" I ask and she nods but before she could leave I stop her, "Wait, do you think you could get the police down here?"

She nods and walks out the room then I turn to Mark. He looks like he's about to cry. It's like he's already figured things out but I decide to explain anyway.

"A couple of days ago, Derek and I got into an argument… I was fed up with him never coming home and when he did come home, he acted like nothing had changed. He wanted to have sex but I told him 'no' then he got mad… I had never seen him so angry before… He hit me… The bruise on my stomach got there when he threw me onto the bed but I landed on the bed frame… He didn't care that I was hurt. All he wanted was sex, Mark… He raped me… Savannah found out the next day and took me to California then Derek somehow found out, came all the way out to L.A. to literally drag me back home. He took my cellphone, my debit cards, money, ID, car keys… He locked me out of the house in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm because I was unenthusiastic when he forced himself on me again…" I pause looking at Mark and I can see he's a mess from my confession. I look at him sadly, "I know I should've said something sooner but we'd be married for eleven years and I thought I'd give him a chance to redeem himself. He made it seem like he was going to try because he wanted to talk over dinner and then he never showed up… he never showed. I freaked out and that's how I ended up here."

I wipe my eyes and I nervously continue to speak when he doesn't answer, "It's no excuse but I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway because he was my husband. There was really no way to prove if it was rape or not because we were a married couple. It was just going to be my words against his plus things like this never really hold up in court. Usually a woman gets slut-shamed and dogged out during the trial… I just want a divorce and I want to get as far away from him as possible."

I realize that I'm still crying and it doesn't seem like I'm going to stop. I feel so vulnerable and he's hasn't said anything since they kicked Derek out of the room.

"Please say something," I plead. He says nothing but he stands up taking off his coat. I see fresh tears welling up in his eyes as he quickly tries to wipe them away.

"Move over," he says softly then lays down in the bed beside me. He holds onto me tightly and I cuddle up further in his arms. I'm starting to realize that maybe all I've been needing this entire time was to be held. I just needed human contact.

I laid there crying softly in his arms until the police showed up. I asked Mark to stay with me and he held my hand as I told them everything that happened. They told me that they will arrest Derek but aren't sure how everything would hold up in court since the incident happened a couple days ago and I've had sex with someone other than him since then plus he could bail himself out with the money he has. I do however get a restraining order but I don't want anything to go to trial. I already know how these things usually play out and it's almost never in the victim's favor which is just downright depressing… I just want a divorce and him out of my life so I can at least work on getting it back.

After the police leave, I lay safely in Mark's arms for a few more hours that is until the evaluator came down from the psych floor. Depending on how this goes, I could be admitted of psychiatric care and I really don't want that. I don't want to be here or in this hospital so my only option at the moment is getting out this room.

The psychiatrist asks my nurse to step out of the room. He asks me if it's okay if Mark could stay and I shrug. He then nods and starts, "I just have a couple of questions to ask you."

"I'm a doctor. I know how this goes… Look, my husband abuses me and I was too stupid to just go to the police. I just, I couldn't take it anymore and I got upset while I was drinking… I took some pills…" I say waving my injured hand, " I found an old scalpel and I tried to end my life. It was one time. I regret it and I'll never do anything stupid like that again. I realized I have too much to live for."

Okay so maybe I lied a little but I refuse to be admitted into the psych ward. He nods then writes something down in my chart, "Fine. However, I'd like to keep you overnight for observation and tomorrow if everything still looks good then we'll get you ready to go home and also I'd like to make a couple of plans with you. I'll explain it all tomorrow, okay?"

I smile and nod then he walks out of the room. I look over at Mark and he gets up from his chair in the corner of the room. He sits down in the one next to my bed.

He takes my hand in his then asks, "How can I help you?"

"You're helping by just being here, Mark," I reply. "That's more than I can ask for."

"You know you can talk to me about anything right? Anything at all… even when you're sad," he says to me squeezing my hand, "especially when you're sad. I want to be there for you, Red."

I nod then I motion for him to join me. He climbs on the bed taking me into his arms as I rest my head on his shoulder and soon, drifting off to sleep.

I wake up and Mark is still lying beside me however it's seven in the morning of the next day. I've been asleep for more than twelve hours and it makes sense seeing that I hadn't slept since that night… I don't even know how long ago that was. It's all felt like one really long day to me. I do know that today however, is a new day. There's something different about today.

There's a knock on my door and I look over to it to see the two police officers from yesterday. I don't say anything yet they still walk into the room. One of them clears his throat, "Good morning, Dr. Montgomery. We're sorry for intruding but we collected some things of your husband when we brought him in last night and we just wanted to return them to you."

They hand me a bag with all of my debit cards, my ID and my keys. I look back up to them and the other one speaks up, "They've already been put into the system for evidence and it'll really help with your testimony."

I just nod my head wanting them to leave so badly. I want this all to be over so I finally try to actually move on with my life. Mark starts to stir beside me in bed and the officers take that as a sign to leave. I thank them and watch them walk out of the room.

I turn to lie back down when I hear loud clunky footsteps coming towards my room. Those footsteps sound all too familiar… They belong to someone I know very well… They belong toㅡ

Savannah literally bursts into the room, "Addie! You're awake!"

"Sav…" I say carefully sitting back and pointing to Mark beside me, "ssh, before you wake him."

"Oh, we already spoke," she says quieter but grows louder as she continues, "I got in from L.A. last night and came straight here to find out you attempted suicide and almost freaking died!"

Mark stirs beside me and I frown at her. She looks back at me with a disappointed look, "Uh, uhn. You're no longer allowed to frown at me. You tried to kill yourself! After you promised me you'd try to stay safe! You tried to leave me here in this God-awful world without my best friend, I can't believe you!"

I can't take this anymore. I want to scream at her but I don't want to cause anymore commotion. I turn around to lie back down and block out everything she's saying.

"Addie, you can't just run away from me. We need to talk about this," she says as I hear more footsteps approaching.

Someone walks up to the door clearing their throats, I guess to get our attention. I don't sit up this time, I just roll over onto my back so I can see that it was someone from psych.

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery. My name is Mina Landes. I'm going to be helping you get your safety plan in order so we can get you discharged," she says flipping through some charts.

I look over at Savannah and she rolls her eyes at me. I know she's vexed but this really isn't about her right now and she's going to have to learn that. I look back to the woman and I nod as she steps further into the room. We talk for about thirty minutes coming up with a plan for what I should do if I ever feel like hurting myself or if I ever feel in danger. I also have to see a therapist for now on until they deem me ready and I have to pick a person to have as my emergency contact who they can share my medical information with and all that jazz. I pick Savannah as my person and I see that changes her mood a bit. When that's all over, Dr. Landes leaves the room and I can already sense Savannah starting up again.

"Look, Addie," she says as Mark begins to walk up. I ignore her turning around to him and I hear her sigh, "Don't think for one second that you're off the hook, Addie."

"Good morning," Mark stretches out as he wakes up and I smile because he looks pretty damn adorable. He sits up and sees Savannah sitting in the chair over in the corner of the room, "Good morning Sav."

"Have you been here all night?" I ask him and he nods.

"Honestly, I was afraid of losing you in your sleep… I stayed up all night listening to your heartbeat. I didn't sleep until like four a.m. especially since your friend kept me up talking all night," he jokes.

"Hey," Savannah exclaims from the corner.

"Thanks," I smile at him, "they're discharging me. I can leave the moment I get the papers."

"What do you plan on doing?" he asks me.

"I'm going to go get my things and probably check into a hotel until I find a place to stay," I shrug.

Mark shakes his head 'no' then says, "Nonsense, you know you can stay with me."

"Or me," Savannah adds.

"No, no," I shake my head, "it's okay. I don't want to intrude."

"You wouldn't be," she says.

"Yes, I would… And you have Weiss," I add plus I want to be alone. I don't want to stay with a friend because I know they'll always be checking in on me and babying me. I don't want that.

"I don't have any attachments," Mark says trying to get me to take up on his offer.

"I couldn't," I say shaking my head, "How could I trust that you would actually sleep and take care of yourself? You'll always be watching over me and I don't want to jeopardize your health."

"But I'll be more than happy to do that," he says with a smile and I just shake my head.

"Neither one of us needs that but thanks for the offer," I smile taking his hand, "You could, however, help me collect my things."

He agrees and I smile softly at him, "Thanks."

"I'll help too," Savannah adds.

Somewhere within that next hour, I was discharged, out the hospital and on the way to the place I used to call home to get my things. We spend the next couple of hours packing and taking things out to the car. We put most of my things in a storage unit and I take what's essential with me to the hotel. On the way up to my room, Savannah informs me that she grabbed my things from L.A.

About half an hour later, I'm all settled in and Mark and Savannah went back to the hospital to actually work. I'm all alone again. I look over at the time to see that it's barely two in the afternoon and I have absolutely no idea what to do. I decide to get online and start looking for somewhere to live.

It's nearly three weeks later and I've found nowhere that I want to live. I had a couple of contenders but once I went to actually check out the lot, I realized I didn't actually like them. This keeps happening every time I find one that I actually like.

My phone rings, yes I got a new one, pulling me out of my search for living quarters. I see it's my assistant and I quickly answer, "Hey, Marie."

"Hey Dr. Montgomery, I just got off the phone with your lawyer and he says he'll be over tomorrow to escort you to the trial," she says.

The trial she's talking about is the one that we're having since Derek wouldn't give me a divorce. I decided to not go to trial for the assault because there wasn't even evidence or whatever for it to hold in court or something. Give me a break. I'm a doctor not a lawyer… Anyway, it doesn't matter because he can't come near me anyway with my restraining order but the fact that he's still going to be walking the streets of New York is utterly terrifying. Maybe I should look for somewhere else to live entirely… like L.A. or something else on the other side of the continent.

"Thanks, Marie," I say into the phone while I start my search for houses in L.A. "You know what, could you call him back and tell him that everything we have can go to Derek. I don't want anything that has something to do with him."

"Even the practice?" she questions.

"Even the practice. He can have the brownstone and the house in the Hamptons. I honestly think I'm over New York as much as I'm over Derek," I say scrolling through available beach houses in Santa Monica.

"Okay, I'll inform him," she pauses, "Is there anything else, Dr. Montgomery?"

"No, thank you Marie," I reply.

"No problem," she says and I hang up the phone. Soon after Savannah calls and I just let it ring. I've been avoiding her calls since she helped me pack my things and every time she came up to the hotel, I pretended like I wasn't here. She's only calling to yell at me and I just don't have time for that. I get she's upset and hurt for me attempting to leave her and all but shit, this isn't about her at all. She has no right to be upset with me and I don't have to listen to her yelling because I won't. I just won't do it.

Tomorrow comes around and it's minutes before my lawyer is supposed to meet me downstairs in the lobby. I'm dressed in all black in mourning of my eleven year marriage. I don't know if I ready to face Derek again. I haven't seen him since they kicked him out of my room nearly a month ago in the hospital.

If this goes according to plan today, this part of my life could finally be over. I could finally try to move on from this and maybe I could even grow a little stronger; get back to feeling like myself.

I take a deep breath looking at myself in the mirror one last time before I make my way out of the room and downstairs to the lobby. I'm hoping next time I take a look at my reflection, I'll actually be able to recognize the person staring back at me. When I can do that, I'll be able to be comfortable with myself again.

The minute I make it to the lobby, I notice my lawyer. He sticks out in a crowd because not only is he 6' 2" and bulky, he's a ginger. I walk up to him with a smile and a nod. He greets me and we both walk out of the lobby to his car.

We pull up at the courthouse and my stomach is literally in my lap. I don't know why I'm so nervous. We're in a public place. He can't hurt me anymore and if he even gets nine hundred feet near me outside of this courthouse, he's going to jail.

With that in mind, we both make our way into the courthouse and into the room where Derek is waiting with his lawyer. I don't greet them. I sit down at the chairs that's in front of the judge's desk. We all stand when he comes into the room and just like that we get started.

It's not even an hour later when the judge sides with me. Of course, Derek got upset and tried to argue the judge which only made him want to side with me more. He ended up giving Derek an ultimatum. He told him that he'd either sign the divorce papers or he'll sentence him to five-to-ten for sexual assault and domestic violence then have the court grant me my divorce anyway.

With that threat, Derek immediately signed the papers and all my attachments to him were gone, just like that. I feel free… like Derek was literally lifted off my shoulders. Although now I have nothing to my name except my car, it doesn't matter. I could feel that things we're starting to change for the better.

My lawyer dropped me off at my hotel and I thank him then made my way upstairs to my room. Stepping off the elevator onto my floor, I spot Savannah at my door knocking. I almost turn around and run but she sees me and is now walking towards me.

"Addie!" she sounds pissed, "I've been calling you for like three weeks now! I know you've been avoiding me!"

I don't say anything to her. I just pass her in the hallway and get into my room. I can't really pretend I'm not here now so she follows in behind me.

"Addie, are you going to talk to me?" she badgers, "Or are you just going to ignore me while I'm standing right here in front of you?"

I think she knows she got to me. I can't just ignore her if she's standing right in front of me. That's exactly the problem I've had with people all my life… That is what was wrong with Derek and I's relationship. That's what was wrong with my parents and I's relationship… Being ignored is my weakness so you must assume how hard it was for me to be ignored while in the same room as somebody. I just, I can't do that to someone else.

I turn and I look at Savannah. I sigh then I look sadly into her eyes before I finally speak up, "I'm leaving New York for good."