False Hope with New Beginnings

by Ryuichi-Tohma

On hold until life gets a little less busy. We apologize greatly everyone. We'll back ASAP.

6. Irresistible Overbearing Reminiscence

False Hope with New Beginnings

Disclaimer: it's two AM in the morning grandma…you win…so I'll tell you that I do not own Gravitation, or it's songs or any video games or books mentioned in this fic…

Ok, I'll start out with this: GOMEN NISAI! I AM SORRY! JE REGRETE! …This fic hasn't been updated in almost a year…and I'm really sorry! I doubt you all want to hear my life story so I'll spare you the boredom. All I'll say is, a lot of stuff happened all at once and plus Tohma and I have been plotting this thing out for SO long that it took till now to finish for you all. So I'll get to the reviews and then begin our story. Thank you SO MUCH for being patient with us. ::bows::

Warning: This contains rape, talks of rape and child molestation, a few lemons, and death, and…suicide. …And…something else I won't give away yet… So NOW to the reviews.

Haninozuka Mitsukuni: Wows! Thanks a bunch. Oh man, I know its sooo late and I have very little excuse. But here's the update and an apology to you a thousand times more. ::bows a lot:: And::blush:: Thank you! Thank you for thinking I'm cute!! You might not think that anymore…and I'm really sorry!! But you're too kind::bows again and hands over big plate of cookies::

Harperslover: Oh my gosh! Arigatou gozaimásu! You have NO idea how much you've helped us get this updated as quickly as possible. Seriously, one day I notice there 19 reviews instead of 18 and saw yours. I totally need to make you a picture or a fanfic or something! Seriously, if you read this again, just tell me what you want and I'll totally give it to you! Thank you so, so very much::bows lots of times:: I want to apologize for the wait! Well…happy birthday to the story I suppose. Thank you again! You words were so simple but they meant a lot. Domo!!

And now on to the show I suppose.

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Chapter 6: Irresistible Overbearing Reminiscence

I'm up, sitting straight in the bed, staring terrified at the window. A smirking silhouette watching me, just outside of it, daring me to move. Shivers start to run up and down my spin. My body's frozen and I don't remember how to tell it to move.

I know something's there this time. Right in front of me, waiting to strike however it wants.

I…I've never been…this scared…this sure in my life…I'm going to die this time…their going to break the window and come in…!

Oh gods…! Please…Tohma…!

My shivering turns to trembling and my body is wracked with fear and confusion.

I dare not look away…

I dare not look…

I don't know if I'm seeing this or if this is real…

Oh gods…please…kudasái!

My eyes close shut from the pain of holding back my tears but I force them back open.

Though…

Nothing is there any more…

Could…that really have been made up…?

I can breathe again, but I'm still shaking and crying, only from embarrassment and foolishness.

Why am I so stupid…?

"Baka…"

"Ryuichi?"

I look to the side of the bed and see Eiri sitting there, gazing worriedly at me.

Only…when he sees my face his eyes go as wide as mine were.

"What is it? What the hell happened Ryuichi?"

The words form in my mouth, but I shove them back down my throat.

…The last time I told someone about something like this…my paranoia. …I was laughed and told I had a very childish out look on life still.

So I shake my head and look over back to the window, seeing nothing that could prove myself right.

"Look, I'm not going to tease you about having a bad dream."

So close…but that's not why at all…

"N-no…it's ok…"

Gods my voice sounds weak…

"Ryuichi-"

I move my head in dissent again, only this time; I lean into him and start to cry a little.

I want Tohma back so bad…Eiri…he can't really help me with this. …he doesn't understand…I barely do…

Oh gods…I beg him to at least be the touch I need.(consider rephrasing) …I need the human contact…I need someone there when this happens…

"Ryuichi?"

"Please…" oh gods I'm so vulnerable… "I know we…don't get along very…well…but please…please…I beg you to…hold me…"

I hear a sigh come from him, but it doesn't sound irritated this time as I feel his arms wrap around me and enfold me tight.

My body relaxes and I can finally concentrate on my breathing…his breathing as well.

Maybe it was I dream…don't remember waking up…I don't remember my eyes being open…

Why does this happen? …Why am I so weak…?

"You gunna live now?"

I don't know how to answer that so I just melt farther into his warmth and let my fear dry along with my tears as I begin to fall back into sleep…

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"Hey."

"Nan…i…?" whoa, I think Eiri's eyes are really pretty, but having a close up of them this early in the morning…

"You wanna talk to Tohma?"

Tohma…? "Yeah…" Even though that's my instant response to everything…

"Kay, here."

I love those awkward moments when a friend hands you something and, for example, if it's a phone, they put it to your ear.

"O hyo…?"

"Good morning Ryu. I did tell Eiri not to wake you, however since you're up now…"

"Is something wrong?" Now I'm awake.

"No, but I am worried about you. What happened last night?"

"…I don't know I just…I didn't even know if I was asleep or not…I…I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I always do this…and I don't mean to be paranoid but…it just…"

"Don't worry Ryu, it will be fine. I'm the one who must apologize for my absence. I know you need someone there when that happens."

"It's ok…I feel bad for freaking Eiri out…I kinda…used him as the human connection."

"I'm glad that he could help then. However, I will be home tonight."

"Really!?" Got get excited about that.

"Yes, I should get back around five, six at the latest."

"Yay! That's nappy!"

"Yes. I'll see you tonight then."

"Yup! Six at the latest!"

"Correct. Much love."

"Love you, bye!"

I hear the other line disconnect and I hang up the phone, jumping up from my bed to- wait, my bed? …When did…? Never mind, I won't ask.

"You feel any better?"

I look to see Eiri standing in the door frame, smoking, as usual… "Umm, yeah."

"What happened?" he takes a long drag and then stares at my with those damn gorgeous, deadly eyes. …geh…

"I don't know…even when I was little…I've always been afraid of being followed around by something. …Though being older…I'm more afraid of a person following me around. I don't know…I'm so paranoid I just…"

"Did your parents give you a lot crap for it?"

He comes in and sits next to me, and I cringe a little at the smoke filling my lungs, but ignore and focus back on his question.

"…I never really had parents…"

I blink then start laughing at the look on Eiri's face.

"Does that really surprise you Eiri?"

"…A little, I guess I just figured out of all the people in this group…you'd be the one with a whole family."

"I don't know…I was in an orphanage till I was about seven. Then…by some sort of…I guess fate is what you would call it. Tohma's family went to the orphanage I was at in Hawaii and then…they took me in. But…Tohma was really the only person who I ever considered a part of my family. …Those people…"

"Yeah, them I know about. Since Tohma and my family collaborate a lot I knew what they did behind closed doors and how much they changed during parties."

"Wait…why'd we never meet then? I mean…I never went down to the parties because large crowds used to freak me out but…"

"I was only ever at the Seguchi resident during parties and twice after. Once before you apparently showed up and the other time was after…"

"Oh…"

Gods…Tohma's family was…horrible…

It's like Cromwell to the Irish…

Even to me…

But wait…now that I think about it…

"Eiri…I remember one time…during the party where that man from the huge corporation that's now in America was there…and Tohma was really depressed. So I promised to come down for a little while…and I remember a boy sitting on the porch…writing in a purple notebook…"

"That was me."

I smile to myself. "Hmm, I thought so…"

"I saw you that day too. You were clinging to Tohma's shirt and hiding behind him. I remember back then thinking that you looked absolutely beautiful."

"Wh-what?" I blush…did Eiri really…say that to me.

"I'll tell you a secret…when I first saw Shuichi…I almost wanted to believe that he was that little boy I saw hiding behind Tohma…but, then I had to remind myself that, that little boy was Tohma's most cherished friend…Ryuichi Sakuma. You know…before we met that one time…I always…wanted to meet you. …From what Tohma always told me…and what I saw…I just…heh, that day I figured out I was attracted to boys."

I don't…know what to say…

"I…never knew Eiri…and we met in such a…terrible way…"

"You know though, I saw you one other time before then. It was after your first concert. I almost talked to you then, but you were grabbed by another man and…I left after saying good-bye to Tohma."

"…Yes! You were there! And I almost came over to say hi then too! But Yumi…"

Oh gods…why'd I sat that…? "Yumi? Wait-"

"J-just…someone I knew. Don't worry about it. A-anyway…what about your family?"

"Teh, you met most of those idiots. Well…except my mom…"

"Your mom?"

"…I haven't talked about her in a long time. …I never even told Shuichi about her."

"Why? …Did something bad happen?"

"…She was the most amazing person in my life. I loved her a lot. Father was better when she was still around. She had this way of being honest but completely peaceful and caring all at once. I don't ever remember her raising her voice. …She seriously was an angel. And I'm serious; I'm not being cliché at all. …But…she smoked about a pack and a half a day. …I found out when I was eight she had lung cancer. …and by the time I was ten…she died. …At least…I got to say good bye to her…"

Eiri…

"…But then I started having trouble coping with all the shit I got from school. So then a year later…Tohma and I went to New York…"

And that's where everything began and ended…

"……"

"……"

Awkward…

"…What I really wonder about…is why we didn't meet the night Tohma finally snapped on his parents. …It was set up so perfect. …My guess is we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Yeah…" except…I wasn't there because…

"Do you know what happened?"

I look down and stare at the floor. "…Yeah…apparently that morning Tohma came back from college…he said something to him that just…and I guess he just lost it and put that man in his place. …Then like a few months later his mom died of alcohol poisoning. I never knew what happened to his dad after we moved out…"

"The old bastard's probably in some small one room house alone. I hope that fuck dies lonely and guilty as hell."

Me too…

"…I'm sorry about your mom."

"Huh?"

I look up at him. "…I'm sorry about your mom. …I wish…she was still around for you."

He stares at a mark on the floor for a while then finally snuffs out his cigarette in the ash tray he has in his lap, and…smiles…gods that's pretty. "I never would have met any of you. And I really…wonder where my life would be then." He leans in real close and I blush. "Besides, you're quite entertaining when you want to be. I'm glad we finally met."

I blink at him. "…thank you."

"Heh…baka. What are you thanking me for?" and just before I get mad at him for calling me stupid, he kisses my cheek and I just…stare.

"What…was that for…?"

"For being nice to me I guess." He gets up and stretches…I think that's stretching… "Anyway, we should probably clean a little before Tohma gets back. We don't want him cleaning."

"Hmm…yeah ok! Let's clean!"

Hmm…even though it's been a week, I still can't help thinking about all the things Eiri and I talked about that day…

I wonder why he smokes like his mom if she got lung cancer. …Hmm maybe…

Maybe that's exactly it…because his mom smoked. I mean…Eiri isn't the rebel without a cause…

I hope…he doesn't end up like her though…

Gods I'd cry…

Wait a minute…I still haven't known him that long. …but…it feels like I have.

…I wonder how he feels about me.

Geh, back off Juliet…don't be stupid.

Anyway. Now I know why Tohma really went back to Japan that day. To find Eiri a new house to live in.

From the picture he showed us of it, it's almost as big as a house here in America. Which is pretty rare to find in Japan…hmm…

"Ryuichi?"

"Huh?" speaking of Eiri… "What's up?"

He sits down next to me; gosh he looks absolutely serious…

"…It's about moving back to Japan in about a month. …I…I talked to Tohma about this too but…he told me to see if it'd be ok with you as well."

"What is it?" don't you love when your friends do the round about thing…?

"…I was wondering…if you'd both move in with me. …Tohma got me a big house and I don't know…"

My gods…is he allowed to be adorable? He's blushing…

"You don't have to but…"

"Of course."

"What?"

"Tee-hee, of course, I'd love to. And I bet that'd make Tohma happy. So yeah."

Creepy…he's having a me moment. "…Heh, thanks."

I decide to tease him a little and get all serious and lower my voice. "What are you thanking me for baka?"

He glares at me and I laugh. "That's my line, brat." I'm suddenly grabbed and shoved onto the bed as he somehow finds my tickle spot and tortures me!

"H-hey! Eiri you total jerk! S-stop it!"

"Brats deserve the punishment they ask for."

"But I didn't ask for-"

"In a round about way you did."

"Ahh! Stop it!" I hate being tickled because I laugh way too much and my sides start to hurt and I get all tired and out of breath. "Please! I can't…breathe…!"

"…Alright, alright, baka." He presses our foreheads together and suddenly I want to ask when he got on top of me…

Gods…he's so pretty…I think I'm finally seeing the real Eiri…

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to make you suffocate."

"It's ok…I think I needed to laugh like that actually."

"Hmm, then I'm glad." And without any warning he kisses me…not like…last time…but he's actually kissing me.

"E-Eiri?"

"I'm tired, you should go to bed too, ne? See you in the morning Ryuichi."

And with that he smiles at me and leaves…and all I can think about now is…

How good that kiss felt…

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"Christmas!!!"

One of my favorite times of the year. Yay!

I wonder if we're going to do anything special.

Last year was really fun. We went to Colorado and stayed in the mountains with all of Bad Luck and oh my gosh it was amazing. Tohma had lots of fun too. …I wonder why I didn't meet Eiri then either…

Anyway, I hope we have lots of fun today too!

I run into the kitchen and Tohma's already there making breakfast.

"Morning Tohma!!"

"Good morning Ryu, Merry Christmas."

"Tee-hee, Merry Christmas! But…wait, where's Eiri?"

"Still sleeping. Would you get him up for me?"

"Ok, I can do that!"

I jog over to Eiri's room and open the door. "Morning!! It's time to get up Eiri!"

I hear a groan from underneath the covers and watch as an arm comes up and dismisses me.

"What for…?"

"Because Tohma's almost done with breakfast, and its Christmas."

"…Uhh…don't you believe in sleeping in?"

"Uhh…it's noon."

"…Then Tohma's not making breakfast."

"Ok…Brunch."

"Kay…"

"……"

I wonder if he's going to get up…

"Mind coming over here?"

"Huh?" I love how I do whatever I'm told even without noticing… "What's up?" I lean down because I think he said something but is mumbling into the bed. "What'd you say?"

"Gah!!" suddenly I'm down on the bed and Eiri is over me staring really seriously into my eyes…and now I officially have the right to blush…

"I swear, you and Shuichi are both children when it comes to holidays." He nuzzles my neck lightly but I still moan and have this slight urge to push him away. "But…honestly, you're the reminder of what the holidays are really about. …Heh, its funny…I regret not going with you all to Colorado last year."

I blink at him, and now I'm a little confused because he looks sad. "Eiri?"

"Sorry, just a passing thought. But…anyway, Merry Christmas Ryuichi."

And he kisses me but I just don't have the will to push him away or tell him to stop…so I close my eyes and only realize I'm being stared at after I hear Eiri call my name.

"Hmm?"

"You ok?"

"Yeah…we should go see Tohma now."

"Right…"

We get up and now I'm in my thoughtful mood where I'm not sad or angry, but I don't talk a lot. …Which Tohma will surely notice.

"Good morning Eiri. How did you sleep?"

"Ok I guess."

"Sit down both of you, everything's almost ready."

I sit down as directed and watch Eiri go over and pour himself some coffee first then take a seat next to me.

And I blush…

Well…the quiet thoughtful mood didn't last long…

"Ryu are you feeling alright? Your face is flushed." Why does Tohma always notice everything…?

I shake my head frantically but get dizzy and almost fall out of my chair but they both grab hold of me and pull me up.

"Ryu-"

"I-I'm fine Tohma! Just hungry and dizzy…"

Tohma smiles at me and Eiri just rolls his eyes.

And then we are given our food, which looks absolutely amazing!!

So much fruit I don't even know what some of them are. Egg's benedict which is what I look forward to having every Christmas morning and so many juices to choose from I think I might have a heart attack.

"Tohma you rock!!"

I pretty much climb on the table and hug him from there.

"Thank you Ryu, but-"

"Oh my god Ryuichi! Sit down!"

I look over at Eiri, still clinging to Tohma and he's beat red. So I just blink and sit back down.

"Umm…Eiri, are you-"

"Ahem. Well then, I have an announcement to make."

"What?"

"This evening the three of us will be going out to dinner." Oh my gosh! Yay! Trust Tohma to plan the fun stuff!!

Yay! "Ooh! Where!?"

"Why would I tell you when I want it to be a surprise." Darn it Tohma…

"Because Eiri doesn't like surprises and Tohma better tell him where we're going this evening."

My gosh…Eiri can be such a-

"I'm sorry Eiri, but you'll just have to wait too."

"Damn it Tohma-"

"If I have to wait you have to wait!"

He growls but lets it go and shoves a piece of mango into his mouth.

"Don't pout Eiri, you'll find out soon enough."

"Yeah, yeah. …What time?"

"Seven sharp."

"Kay. I've go some errands to run today, but I'll be back before then to get ready."

Tohma nods and smiles as Eiri gets up and puts his plate into the sink.

"I'll see you both later."

"Bye Eiri."

"Bye-bye…"

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Let's see…I've wrapped my gifts. I just got done with my shower. I've picked out what I'm going to wear for the most part…

I just hope it's not too casual…

Tohma and Eiri can pull off formal attire.

I can't…

It's nice though anyway, so…I'll be ok.

I think…

The door opens though and I turn around and blush.

"D-don't you know how to knock?"

Eiri's blushing too though, because, for one I only have jeans on, and two he only has dress pants on.

Though…that last part is why I'm blushing…I don't think he cares…

"Sorry…I was…" he clears his throat and comes over to me and I almost back into the dresser but tell my body not to move one inch. "I was just wondering if you had a tie I could borrow."

"U-umm…I think I might." I turn and go to open one of my drawers but instead I'm grabbed by my waist and pulled back against Eiri. "H-hey-"

"Are you really going to wear jeans?"

"N-no, I just got out of the shower and-mmmn…!"

I moan as he attacks my neck pushes me more into his body.

"Perhaps you should just wear this. I wouldn't mind."

I'm sure you wouldn't-

"Ah-nnh…!!"

He runs a hand over my chest and shoves two fingers into my mouth as he continues to suck on my neck.

I gasp out his name through two digits when the hand on my chest travels to my jeans and opens them, plunging it inside.

"Gods…! Eiri, stop…!"

I feel him smirk and his only response to me is moving us over to the bed and forcing us to fall on it without even breaking contact once.

"Yamerú!"

But he won't stop, he just keeps doing it…!

So I grab the pillow and bury my face into it while I cry out and whimper as Eiri keeps his hand right where it's been.

And finally I tense up and bite down into the soft feathery object to stifle the one word I let escape my lips.

"Eiri…!"

I'm still clutching the pillow even as Eiri lets go of me and bends down to whisper into my ear. "Just a little pay back for this morning."

I feel him get off the bed and leave the room, probably with a stupid smirk on his face.

Why does he get me so flustered!? I sit up and embarrassingly fix my pants and look at my bed and groan.

With just that little of commotion, it looks like we wrestled or something in it. And all I did was grab for something soft…

Kuma's staring at me with warning full eyes and I just grab him and turn him over. That was not for little bunny's to be seeing.

"Hentai Kuma…"

"Ryu-are you alright?"

I blush and grab Kuma. "I-it was Kuma's fault! He wouldn't give me one of my…earrings!"

"But your crying."

"I-I got frustrated and I also stabbed myself on the needle part thing…"

Why am crying though…?

I shake my head and get up. "It's ok now, I'm all better. But Kuma's not getting anything to eat tonight."

He stares at me then just smiles and shakes his head. "That seems like reasonable punishment."

I laugh and then carefully put Kuma down. "But, I need to get dressed now, ne?"

"Alright, but hurry a little."

"Kay!"

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"Holy…"

"Wow!!"

"I knew you two would like it."

It's only my favorite place ever in New York! They built it only two years ago and it's amazing!

Oh my gosh, I adore Angel's Ashes!

"Tohma your awesome!" I glomp him and he just hugs me back.

"So I've heard."

"You out do yourself every time…"

"Only the best for you two."

"Yay!"

I want to run in but I decide that would be way too obvious so we walk in and the manager is the one to take us to our private room.

And it's absolutely gorgeous…

It's pretty big, with a nice little table in the middle, with this amazing balcony that has the most astonishing view I've ever seen. And there's art all around the walls.

Gods…Tohma does way too much for us sometimes…no…all the time…

"May I get you all something to drink?"

"I would like a glass of 2003 Dominus Cabernet Sauvignon if you have that, thank you"

"Get me the strongest Vodka you have."

"And for you sir?"

"Umm…" Geez everyone's getting alcohol and all I want is juice… "May I have juice?"

"…What kind of juice sir?"

"Uhh…do you have peaches and mango?"

"Yes."

"Kay I'll have that! Thank you!"

"I shall have that for you all here shortly."

He nods politely then shuts the door when he leaves.

I'm thinking he though I was a child…

"You could have had something more elaborate than that Ryu."

"Yeah but I don't like to drink. …That's ok, I rarely get to have that kind of juice."

"If I were that man, I'd slip some whiskey into that juice."

"Why do you want to see me drunk!?"

"Not drunk, just loosened up a bit."

"I am loose! More than you!"

"No, you're just childish there's a difference."

"Really, both of you are childish."

I puff out my cheeks and glare at Tohma.

But all he does is laugh.

And then I look over at Eiri, who would look exactly like me if his cheeks were puffed out.

Then I laugh too and Eiri chuckles a little as well.

Perhaps…this family could get a lot stronger by the time we head back to Japan…

I've already opened most of my presents from Tohma…considering he got me a lot.

So far I've gotten so many cool things I don't know what to do with them.

These items include:

A chocolate fountain

A moogle plushie!

A whole case of my favorite juice ever

A whole case of my second favorite juice ever

The most softest hand made delicate art work and all, blanket, with a huge detailed face of a wolf.

And he said there was one more…but…he won't let me open it yet…

So then Eiri opens his gift and after prying open the package he lifts up this gorgeous pocket watch, and Eiri is smiling. The most beautiful smile I've ever seen from him.

"Tohma…I love it-" but he pauses and studies the gold and silver covering for a little bit then his smile brightens even more. And he just gets up and walks over to Tohma, hugging him tightly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome Eiri."

"I'm guessing it's my turn then. Alright…"

He straightens up and looks at Tohma seriously then hands out the pocket watch he was just given. "Look, I found you this pretty snazzy pocket watch."

Both of us frown and Tohma just smiles awkwardly at him. "Thanks Eiri…"

"Heh, just kidding." And then he hands over a sweetly wrapped present.

"Thank you."

"You haven't even opened it yet."

"True." Tohma just smiles and then carefully rips off the paper to reveal a really pretty wooden box. And then he opens that too, and there's a really pretty bottle inside. And the liquid is a deep red, and I'm half way tempted to ask for a sip already. "It's lovely. Arigatou gozaimásŭ." They again and I can't help but feel happy.

I almost forget that I'm there till Eiri turns to me and walks over. "As for your gift…I guess I never thought to get you one."

"Oh…that's ok, I don't-"

"Heh, I'm just messing with you baka. Now close your eyes."

I blink then cover my face with my hands as I feel him go behind me. And I'm suddenly glad that my hands are covering up the blush that over takes my cheeks…

Then I feel something hanging from my neck. "You can look now."

I look down and words fall short as I pick up the smooth piece of intimately carved metal into my fingers.

A dragon…with a fairy riding it wrapped around the moon and stars.

And I look up at him and smile whole heartily, embracing him off guard.

"Th-thank you!"

"I was hoping you'd like it."

I let go and stare at it a little longer then look up at Tohma and show him.

"Very nice. It suits you well."

I giggle then get up and grab my presents giving the first one to Eiri.

"Why is it so big?"

"Why don't you open it?"

"Smart ass…alright." He tears off the paper and finds a shiny iron case. He looks it over, unsure of what to think, then unlatches the lock and open the top.

I laugh when his jaw drops a little.

"Uh…it's absolutely beautiful. …But what do I do with it?"

"Tee-hee, I don't know, whatever you want."

He picks it up from the velvet protection and traces the craftsmanship with his fingers. "What is it?"

I go to answer but-

"A keyblade Ryu? When you said you were getting Eiri an unique gift, I'm sure this is what I pictured."

"Keyblade?"

"Hmm, I'll have to have you play Kingdom Hearts now."

"Ok…will that explain this?"

"Yup."

"I guess I'll have to then. …I do like it though. No one's ever given me something like this. Thank you."

"Heh, you're welcome…"

So now…time to give Tohma his…

I go over to him and sit down on the floor next to him, handing him the small box that is his. …I feel cheap…but I spent a lot of time working on it and designing so…

He opens the box and instantly smiles.

"I was wondering where you would wonder off to during lunch."

"Do you…like it?"

"It's perfect." He slips it on. And I actually think I did something right, because it fits Tohma very well.

It's a key too…because once I'm on something, you can't get me off that mind set for a while. But, it's silver and it has 'friendship' inscribed into the body, while 'love' is at the base where the wings meet. And the most important part is that the wings are cradling a paopu fruit.

And if…no one knows what that means. I'd be happy to explain it a million times over.

It means your destinies will be intertwined forever. And I like it because, you can use it for friendship too. So you could share one with anyone.

But it means something…

Heh…mostly that I'm a dork and I love video games too much but…

We hug and no words need to be said at all.

"Jeez, you could be choked by how much love there is in this room."

"You really know how to spoil a moment…" My gosh he's sarcastic…

"Sorry, I wasn't trying to. But anyway, would you two mind if I went to have a smoke."

"Go ahead Eiri."

"I mind…"

"Heh, don't be like that. I'm not going any where. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

Yeah, but resection doesn't mean free man…

"Be right back."

"Alright Eiri."

I shake my head as the door closes.

"It'll be fine Ryu. No worries."

"Yeah…ok." I sigh and then look up at Tohma. "I also…made something else for you but…it's kinda dumb on my part. Remember when I was learning how to sow and stuff?"

"I do."

"Well…I've been working on this for awhile and only recently got it done. …So…here."

I didn't wrap it but what I made Tohma was in fact…

…An Eiri plushie.

And all Tohma does is take it and chuckle slightly. "Thank you Ryu. I'll make sure certain eyes don't find it."

"Hee, hee…you're welcome. …Merry Christmas Tohma."

"And to you as well Ryu."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a week since Christmas…

And yet I'm still sort avoiding Eiri…

Though…that gift Tohma saved for last. Gods, I wish I could wear it everyday.

It was a traditional Geisha kimono.

I know I'm a boy, but gods…I've always, always wanted one so bad.

It was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen.

There are flowers of red and white, and the whole thing is mainly black…so pretty.

I put it on the day after and went every where with it on.

Eiri wouldn't stop blushing that day…

Gods…I wish I knew what he felt for me…

I can't tell…I wish he'd tell me…

Oh well…

I found out we're going back to Japan in two days.

I'm excited about that.

The pictures Tohma's shown me of Eiri's new house were gorgeous…we'll see how all three of us living together will go though…

Only two days to find out…

I'm still avoiding him…

Even after being back in Japan for three days…

I'm living in his house…yet I barely say anything.

We talk at dinner and stuff…

But even then it's Tohma who does most of the talking.

Today though it's like he's been evading me though.

Every time I walked into a room it was like the plague came with me or something and he just miraculously remembered a book he had to finish or a person he had to call…

I can't blame him when I've been doing it to him too though…

Oh well. I wonder where he is now. He didn't show up for dinner…

I sigh and roll on to my back and look up at the ceiling.

…If only…I knew what he was thinking.

"Ahh!"

Suddenly I hear something break and I sit up immediately looking around the room only to see nothing of the kind broken.

Then I remember my window's open and look outside to see shattered glass all over the side walk.

…what could have-

I freeze there in front of me…right there in front of me are two eyes…

Smirking and laughing at the fear in mine.

I can feel their breath through the screen.

And then they lift up their hand and rest it against mine as if we know one another very well.

I want to move away…but nothing's listen to the screaming in my head.

And I start to feel heavy and then my vision becomes smaller and smaller till finally…

"Ryu! Ryu!?"

I open my eyes and see Tohma above me.

My head hurts real bad.

And as the feeling starts to come back to my body, I realize I'm lying on the floor. …Oh gods…

I fainted…

And fell off my bed…

"What happened? Ryu, are you alright?"

I'm lifted up and placed back on the bed.

"…I feel sick…"

I look up from Tohma's worried face but stiffen when I see Eiri staring at me from the door frame, then walk away.

"Ryu?"

"I'm fine Tohma…" I'm not actually, but I just want to go to bed now.

"Ryu…" I hear that parental 'don't lie to me tone'.

I pause to think. I guess…oh! I could tell Tohma what I just told myself!

"…I'm…really tired Tohma…I just want to go to bed now..."

His gaze is suspicious but he lets it go. "Alright Ryu," he goes to leave but then turns around. "Ryu, I am going to visit Mika, so I will be back later."

"Ok Tohma…" I smile falsely sweet at him and watch him go out the room and I sit on the bed. …what am I going to do? This is the second time I think I've seen someone…what if I'm going crazy? Gods…how can I even say anything to Tohma about this? I close my eyes and bury my head into my hands.

"So what's up with you?" With what?

"What do you mean?" I feel sick…gods I need to stop whining…

"Why are you recoiling from me?"

Why are we getting into this? But maybe it's because us being together would be as bad as Romeo and Juliet. …Only Tohma would be the one killing himself. "…because I really just don't feel you need to be so close to me," I keep looking away from him. I also didn't like it because…it reminded me…of times I'd rather not think of.

"…Baka," he comes over to me on the bed and lifts up my chin. "That's the lamest excuse I've heard in a long time."

I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks. "Stop it Eiri…"

"Stop what Ryu?" he leans in close and nips my lip. "Don't be that way. I can already tell you want me," he goes to kiss me. But suddenly I'm not even in that room anymore. I'm in that house…that god forsaken house. …And Yumi's standing over me…taking what he whatever wants…

Swiftly my body just reacts, my arms fly up and push the other body away, and I can barely hear myself scream. "No! Please stop it Yumi! I don't want that! No more…" I begin to sob. The reality of the situation starts to come back. …And I think I just called Eiri, Yumi...Yumi, my old haunting, beautiful, horrific lover.

"Who's Yumi?" he sounds concerned yet partially ticked, and I don't know what to think of that. "Did he rape you or something? So then are you calling me a rapist?"

I shake my head, how could he possibly accuse me of that when he doesn't understand anything. "N-no…and I'm sorry…he was…he was…" I lower my head, half in shame half in embarrassment. "M-my…my…my…" I trail off. What can I say? What I confessed that one night was not even one forth of my story. …If I tell Eiri my past…then…that will bring back memories I'd rather not get into…but…maybe…if I told someone about this horrifying past of mine…maybe…I could let it go and truly forget it…even to the point…of being myself again.

"He was your what?" I'm back to staring him and watch Eiri light a cigarette and sit on the bed next to me. "I want to hear about your past now. I've only gotten one thing out of what Tohma told me, and what you mentioned. It sounds…very similar, if not worse than mine."

"Maybe…I know a little about yours…" I got a little out of Tohma as well.

I hear him sigh and take a long drag of the cursed cancer maker. Then sifts slightly and stares at the floor. "…The person I loved and trusted most, at the time me and Tohma were in New York…he almost raped me. Not only that, but he sold me to a bunch of sleazy bitches. One of them had a gun. I ended up grabbing it in time and shot those two guys dead…and then I shot Yuki. …I blacked out after that and only remember when Tohma found me. I cried and yelled. It still haunts me, and it's what kept me from getting too close to Shuichi for the longest time…but whatever. Anyway, what's this mysterious past all about?"

"…Yumi…was my lover for most of my younger years…till I was about 22…and that last year…he…he…" I struggle so much with this part…I had the worst time telling Tohma about it. I wonder if I sounded like this back then too…?

"He what? Abused you?"

"…in a lot of ways…yes. He abused my love and trust for him and he abused my heart and body. He…r…raped me…practically…to death that last year…the worst part about it though…it wasn't that it was against my will…but instead…that it felt good for a while…that hurt the worst…I couldn't even call it rape…"

"…tell me the whole story." Eiri…

I bit my lip and end up staring at the ground too. "…alright Eiri…but…it's long…"

"That's fine. I like stories," he lays back upon the bed and I sift my gaze to the ceiling as all the pictures begin to come back in full focus. Well...here I go.

Flash Back

"OH YEAH!!!" the excitement exuded from the young male as he completely latched himself onto his friend, smiling and crying tears of joy and relief. "Tohma we did it! We have a single out!"

"Yes Ryu, we finally did it," the blond embraced the smaller boy back, patting his head gently.

"Hey, doesn't your boyfriend get any of that love?"

Ryuichi looked over at his beloved, walking over to him and hugging the other warmly. "Of course, Yumi. Love you! We couldn't have done without you, Yumi!"

"Heh, thanks love. …So...do I get a reward for that?"

"Urm...uhh...well...err, Tohma! ...when is the CD coming out in stores?"

"I believe in about a week."

"Great! Do you think we'll get rich fast and go gold in the first week!?"

Laughing lightly at the brunette's enthusiasm, Tohma pats the boy's shoulder and smiles warmly at him. "We shall see Ryu."

"Now, about that reward my little bunny," the strawberry chocolate haired male swiftly embraced the excited boy from behind, whispering teasingly into his ear.

"N-not in front of Tohma!"

Yumi chuckled at his lover's concern. "Of course not. I would never do anything like that."

"...I don't know...I kinda just want to go to bed...making a CD is tiring..."

Sighing the older man lets go of his young love. "You just don't want to lose your virginity to me. Come on Ryu, you're like twenty now. Haven't you ever wanted to do anything that's not innocent?"

"..." looking up at the sky, Ryu ponders for a bit.

"Oi vay..." rolling his eyes, the taller one grabs the childish bunny lover's wrist and begins to drag him off.

"Come on Ryu, its way past your bed time little boy."

"H-hey! I didn't get to say goodbye to Tohma!"

Smiling awkwardly at the situation, Tohma only waved good-bye to the two. "Goodbye Ryu. See you on Wednesday."

"Bye Tohma..."

Later in the evening

Passed out cold from exhaustion, Ryuichi slept in some what of disarray upon the bed alone with his companion gone.

"Hmm...Tohma...no don't go...please. ...don't give up...not now."

The door creaking open, a dark figure walked slowly and drunkenly into the room, approaching the resting place of the weary brunette.

"Nnh...no...no...No!" waking up with a start, blue eyes try to instantly focus on the stranger touching his shoulder. "Y...Yumi?"

"Hi," kissing the younger boy's neck, Yumi fully climbs onto the bed, straddling the other beneath him.

Blushing immediately, slender hands begin to push away the older man on top. "Y-Yumi…"

"Don't give me that. You know Ryu; I'm a little frustrated with you. We've been together since our sophomore year of high school, and yet, you still aren't all that comfortable with me touching you in any way, besides a light kiss here and there, which, by the way, you give those exacts rights to Tohma."

"Th...there's nothing wrong with not being ready for something like that...I just...I just can't Yumi...and I'm really sorry...and I...I trust you more than anything but...I can't even trust myself with...with something like that..." looking away from purple eyes, the blush on his cheeks turns to a whole new type of embarrassment.

"I'd be gentle Ryu. I hope you know I wouldn't hurt you," giving the exposed flesh a few nips, the taller male runs a hand up the loose shirt.

"I-I...I just can't! Please understand Yumi!" trying once more to struggle away, Ryu clutched the hand caressing his chest. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry you have to wait so long...but-"

"But nothing Ryu. It's been five years. Stop playing hard to get," gripping the other's shoulders painfully, Yumi pulls the boy up into a bruising kiss.

"Mmmmn!" fear taking over the small male, the brunette pushes his friend away. "Stop it."

"No, you stop it. Stop resisting, you can't stay innocent for the rest of your life. You'll go insane, and so will I. It gets to a point Ryu where it's ridiculous to wait. It gets old chasing after something you can never get. You told me you wanted to be more than friends Ryu, well in my perspective, we're nothing more than friends."

"...I don't know how to be more than just a friend..."

"That's where you must trust me." Providing this acquaintance a comforting glance, the strawberry chocolate haired man kisses him gently.

Can't do this...I want to be more...but I can't…I can't…it reminds so much of… "...I just can't...not now...please Yumi...just a little more time."

"I've already waited five years! It's stupid Ryuichi! I'm tired of waiting, so just shut up and enjoy." Grabbing one wrist, the drunken male reached down with the other and unzips and unbuttons the innocent one's jeans.

"Y-Yumi! No!" clutching his boyfriend's hand, blue eyes plead the other to stop.

"I said knock it off!" griping the free arm, Yumi pinned that down with the other. "You're going to stop running away from this Ryu. I know you want this, you just don't want to stain your innocence," leaning over the younger boy, the seme bit down into the sensitive skin of his beloved's neck.

"Ahh! No Yumi! I don't want this! I don't want this to happen again" tears flowed down his cheeks while crying out as the other repeated the action lower.

"Though I don't know what you're going on about, I do want this, now. And I only think its fair that we trade off on what the other wants to do once in a while. You get your way an awful lot Ryuichi, so it's my turn now."

"Yumi, stop!"

"No." pressing their lips together once more, Yumi starts to pull up the others shirt.

Moaning softly Ryu finally slipped one hand out of the tight grasp, his reaction being the instantly slap the other away. "Stop!"

Purple eyes widened as Yumi stopped in mid action, staring down at the person he loved with bewilderment. "...Ryu..."

Crying lightly, the boy only stared back at the strawberry brown haired adult. "I don't want it to happen again…it's not that I'm afraid to lose my innocence…I already have! I'm sorry Yumi! I'm sorry…! But I don't want that to happen again. …I'm sorry…I wish I could be stronger…I wish so bad I could get over it…but…I'm sorry…"

"Oh god Ryu...I'm so sorry...I...shit..." running a hand through his hair, the older male got off of the small trembling form. "..."

"...Yumi, don't worry about it," sitting up, Ryuichi embraced his ahske. It's my fault anyway...

Flash back end

"That was just the beginning of his weird behavior. Yumi wasn't very violent or aggressive. His actions really scared me that night, but the things he said...he was right...and in a way, I think I should have just let go and let it happen then. I think, maybe then, nothing after that would have happened. I wanted so bad not to be raped again…but I made so much worse for myself." I look over at Eiri-san. He doesn't really have any emotion, but I do see that he's visualizing everything I am. "It was about three weeks after that incident that Tohma left to New York with you."

"So then it's my fault for your misfortunes?" he sounds sad…

"N-no, and nothing about what happened to me was yours or Tohma's fault. I...I blame myself. I shouldn't have been so afraid."

"So that's why Tohma snapped on his family?"

"Yeah…I'm guessing so. He found out and…I woke up in the hospital after Tohma found me the morning after. Tohma found a place after that and we lived together…away from those people."

"I see...well, tell me the rest." he takes a drag from his stupid cancer stick. I swear, who ever invented those should die...maybe they are...oh well...

"Alright...well...a month after Tohma left, Yumi...he came home in about the same state as the last time...only...a lot worse...he wouldn't even listen or bother to respond to what I said to him...it was absolutely...frightening..."

Flash back

Screams echoed through the small apartment as Ryuichi lied there crying, utterly naked and trapped, while the other roughly bit into his neck. "Oh god...! Yumi...!"

"I gave you a choice Ryuichi. We could have done this the soft and easy way, but you just had to act like I was trying to rape you. Therefore, I will, if that's how you want to see It." Ceasing for a moment to strip himself of his own clothes, Yumi leans back in to kiss the struggling boy.

"Yumi, no! Not like this! Please not like this!"

"Too late, the choices were made and here we are. Try not to scream too loud Ryu, I really don't want to deal with any neighbors." Without any warning or ease, the older male forces his sex deep inside the lithe form, creating an agonizing scream from the other.

Slapping Ryuichi, the strawberry brunette growls in anger. "I told you not to scream."

"...but...it hurts...so...much..."

"I gave you a different option. I told you I would get this no matter what it took. Did you think I was bluffing, Ryu? Did you think I was kidding? Well, now you know I meant what I said. I wouldn't lie. Your innocence ends here Ryuichi Sakuma."

Flash back end

I'm looking down. I can still see and feel everything that happened that night. Though this time, I'm standing there, watching helplessly, like in my dreams so long ago. The difference now is, Eiri-san is standing there with me, and he's helpless too. All we can do is watch. All I can do is watch, I can't take it back.

"...did you leave him after that?"

I look over at Eiri-san, he still has almost no emotion, only now, I can tell there's a mask hiding what whatever he really feels. I think that's just the person Eiri-san is though...very good at masking, just like Tohma...just like me... "No...no I didn't, couldn't. What happened after he did what he did...he closed his eyes and when he opened them...it was like he was out of his lethal trance, he began to weep, he...he held me...I cried too. He promised me that night he would never let this happen again. But...his promise stayed true for a year. A year later though, it happened again. The exact same thing. The start, the ending, everything. Another promise, and two weeks later it was broken, then one week, then three days, then...it happened...all the time, and there were no more promises, no more tears...even I stopped crying after a while. I stopped caring. He had pretty much broken me. Though...not entirely, I still struggled every now and again. I kept Tohma completely in the dark. I knew he was suspicious, but I told him to stay in New York with you. I knew he didn't trust Kitazawa-san one bit. I think after the stories I heard from Tohma, I didn't either. I didn't want you to be left alone with Kitazawa-san and I didn't want Tohma to worry...so I let it go and just let Yumi keep doing those things to me. After a while, everything became numb and I even began to avoid talking to Tohma. When I did, I made up lame excuses of being busy and such and told him I couldn't talk long. Once again, I let it go on for a year. I was 22 by the time it finally ended. This night...I remember everything...it was raining hard, tons of thunder and lightening. I was laying in my bed, no thoughts, no tears, and no pain. I was just there, I was just another human being. But, I remember when Yumi came home that night...it's when I found out why he was so violent and hurtful...he had been taking all these new kinds of drugs...he was a lab rat for this awful, evil man. At the time, he was the owner for XMR records. This man had many connections, very powerful, but he was a drug dealer and maker...he met Yumi while Yumi was trying to get our band famous...I found out...that Yumi had made a deal with the man that if he tested his drugs, he would give Nittle Grasper a chance. ...that night...when Yumi brought this man over…he watched as…Yumi…" I close my eyes and feel the tears well up for this story in what's been the longest time. …And again…there's the pain of that moment.

"...I know what you mean, so you don't have to say it."

I nod at him and pause for a second. "...that was the night...since forever...I struggled so hard...and all I got for it was bleeding to death...literally. That was also the roughest I had gotten treated. …And even after he was done…even when I thought it was finally over…it was far…far from over. …"

Flash back

How...how could you...why Yumi...? Tears gently rolled down Ryuichi's cheeks while blood flowed with it from his mouth.

"I see why you keep him around Yumi. What a beautiful little boy." gripping the broken boy's chin, the strange man pulled it up to look over the cherubic face.

"He is."

"Yumi. ...why?"

"Why? Why what Ryu? If you're asking why am I doing this, then why didn't you ask it sooner? Like a year sooner Ryu."

"...but...you promised...you promised me you wouldn't let it happen anymore...you promised me...I had a choice...and you told me...you told me that you loved me more than anything...so then why...why would you do this?"

Laughing the slightly crazed male pushed the other man away from the broken body. "Haven't you figured it out now? Really Ryu, don't be so naive. I lied to you, and what's more Ryu, I never loved you. Stupid boy. Who could for that matter?"

Letting out a sobbed breath the fragile form in Yumi's grasp goes limb and practically lifeless.

"All you have is beauty and singing. That's all that makes up your pathetic life." Smirking once more at the once valued lover, the older male let's the hopeless figure go.

"A little harsh Yumi. He has Tohma as a connection."

"True. But Tohma's the only reason Ryu will ever make it far in life."

Blue eyes were glazed over with the deep emotion of apathy. …Kill me…

"You know Cheshire, if you want him, you can have him. He's worn out his use to me. He'd be a lot more use to you."

"I'm sure he still has some use to you."

"Like what, a fuck toy? Even then, I get tired of his struggling. If he has another thing going for himself, it's will."

"Hmm, a good will. I guess I could use someone like him then." He grabbed the small male, forcing Ryuichi into a sitting position, only to have said male to yell out in pain.

Slapping the weak child, the dark leader pulled out his gun from his coat pocket, setting the tip upon the sweat covered locks. "Be silent, and I'll make this go easy for you."

"See, he's quite a pest."

"Maybe a little, but I'll break him out of it. Mind if I test him out."

"You think I care?"

"Hmm, good point." There was no restraint as the holder of the broken form threw it into the soaked sheets, following after upon the bed.

End Flash Back

"…It was like getting a cut following another. It didn't hurt, but after a while you start to realize you don't want the scars any more. …While that man…ravaged me…I was finally at the end. …It's always taken a lot to get me truly angry. …Being raped by him was the final push…"

Flash Back

He stared up at the man with a gun as he fixed his appearance, though something had finally snapped inside the brunette's head. "..." ...no more. Snatching the gun away from the drug dealer, blue eyes focused eerily clear and shot the man sporadically. "Go to hell."

"Ryuichi!"

Blood spilled over the wounded shoulder as anger flared at the current gun's owner. "You little brat!"

"It's over, I'm done with this." Death in mind, the fatal aim centered upon the raging producer while a thin hand cocked the gun.

"Ryu, don't!" Yumi's trance had gone as he quickly ran over to the crazed male and tried to grab the gun away.

Hitting his ex lover over the head with the gun, the small figure targets the frightful person once more, and pulls the trigger with no remorse or hesitation.. "That's for treating me like your property." Ryuichi got up to stand over the cold dead body, staring in demented fascination. "It's nice to see the corporates are still mortal…" smiling slightly, the shaking arms raise once more and puts another bullet through his rapist's system, adding another shortly after, and another. "Die…" his vision finally gave out on him, turning his world into a spinning dark room and ultimately the wooden floor as his legs gave out.

Groaning, the unconscious figure raised to his knees, rubbing his head.

Another click was heard to indicated the holder of the pistol was aiming and ready to kill.

"...Ryu-"

"Don't you dare say my name."

Purple eyes closed to the sight of his deadly lover, opening with tears filling them to the brim.

"Why are you crying!? There's absolutely nothing to cry about now! How could you!?" the flow of emotions spread to the small boy as well was streams of salty liquid fell down his cheeks.

"...I'm crying...because of realization. ...it's no excuse...but...the drugs I took...clouded my mind...this past year seemed like some sort of dream...I felt as though I was a sleepless beauty...all of my actions were so...mechanical...but...It was never an excuse...that I hurt you...I'm a truly half-assed lover. ...I couldn't even control myself...I am the idiot...I am the worthless one...I am the one...that should have been raped..."

"...You're lying...again...aren't you...you just want me to spare your life..."

"...heh, in all honesty...I never really valued my life. ...I always wanted to die...maybe in a way...I did all this...to push you into killing me...because...I am too weak to kill myself. ...but I...I never...never should have done what I did...and don't you dare forgive me...because I don't even deserve it. ...hell...I don't even deserve to die...I deserve to...live and suffer...that's what...but by all means...kill me...make me suffer..."

"...don't tempt me..."

"Do it, either that, or tell Tohma...I'm sure he'd make me suffer every moment."

"I will not drag Tohma into this...he doesn't deserve having to worry about another person..." his head lowered, the gun dropped with it.

"...you deserve a lot more than you let your self think Ryuichi Sakuma. A lot more than me and a lot more than the man dead on the floor. ...you deserve to step on people like us...I still wonder...how you ever got into my life..."

"..." Ryuichi looked up at the other, studying him carefully. "...you were always fulfilling only half your promises. You could never do anything fully...could you? Even now...you said you didn't care about me and that...you would just use me as nothing...but...yet...once again...here we are...you do care...and you're not using me as nothing...you could never fulfill a bluff or anything...even that first night...you were still gentle. ...Yumi...you do deserve death. ...in a way...it's a compliment and yet an insult...so…" raising the pistol back to met the other's gaze, the brunette cocked the weapon once more. "...I will give you your wish..."

"...Ryu...I just...I just wanted you to know...I really do love you...and...I actually meant nothing I said earlier...in all honesty."

Tears started to rain down again, the young male whispered softly to the intent listener, as the weather outside reflected the ones inside. "I know Yumi...and I..." it was over in an instantly even though it took forever for the slim finger to pull the tiny metal trigger, making the tip explode and send a sailing bullet through the air and straight through his beloved's heart. "Love you..."

Those last words filled up his last thoughts as Yumi fell to floor with a tiny smile pulling at his lips even though his breathing was lost to his body forever.

The weapon lowered as sanity came creeping back into the brunette's mind as he stared at the lifeless shell. "...Yu...mi..." dropping completely on his hands and knees, Ryuichi crawled over to the said man's body, without dropping the gun. "Yumi...? Yumi?" a sob escaped his lips as he encircled his trembling arms around the dead body. "...you know...you weren't a bad person...just half hearted and half minded most of the time...you weren't evil...just lost in an evil plot. ...I just hope...you won't be too severely punished...because...no matter what you say...I do forgive you..." the small boy looked at Yumi's face, cupping it gently and innocently leaned over to press a farewell kiss goodbye to the motionless mouth. I always will... "...oh...what have I done? ...Oh Yumi..." it dawned on the lonely male what he had done, so he brought the pistol to his line of vision, and rested it to his head. I've killed a man...no two...what have I done? Oh god...I will never be forgiven for this! "I've killed people...god won't forgive me anyway." Ryuichi cocked the gun, hoping that there was at least one last bullet to spare. I'm sorry Tohma.

The door banged open revealing a wide eyed blond as he immediately ran over to the suicidal male. "Ryu, don't!" grabbing the frail wrist, Tohma diverted the last projectile into the ceiling, gripping the hand tighter.

It took the small form to even realize he was still alive. However, he looked at his friend, shock and pain blankly apparent in his face. "...Toh...ma?"

"Ryu, please drop the gun."

Slowly the digits released the object tightened in his grip, both ignoring the clatter as an immense sob came from the smaller one and he exhaustedly fell into the strong pair of arms. "...Tohma...I just did something awful..."

The blond embraced the boy close, trying to sooth the unrestrained cries. "Hush." He ran his fingers through the soaked brown hair, rocking them gently to chase the anguish away. "Oh Ryu."

"Tohma...Tohma...I...I killed...I killed! I killed the person I loved!"

"Shh." Deep blue eyes closed to the scene, but held the other tighter.

"...it never...it never should have ended this way."

Flash back end

"...It wasn't too long after that moment I passed out from...many things." So many...I can't even count.

"That's so specific Ryuichi."

"...I just...by then...I had lost a lot of blood...and I was emotionally raw and physically exhausted, and...so many things...I just couldn't handle the stress anymore..."

"...How long were you out?"

"...three months...I think that's what Tohma told me. I just remember waking up and finding him by my side. He was...extremely relieved...he was so worried...I just...really wanted to avoid that...but it seems...all I did was make it worse..."

"...you should have told him sooner."

"I couldn't...he was with you...I didn't want to pull him away...not from the person...he loved so much..."

"...was he ticked at Yumi?"

"No...in a way...he knew what was going on all along. Besides...if he was...I told him not to be...because it was also my fault...even more so than his..."

"Your past…mine can't begin to compare to yours. I don't think I understand why Tohma associated ours together."

"...you were betrayed by the person you loved...so in a way...it's all the same...but..." But what? ...I don't think there was one.

"...What happened to you after you got out of the hospital?"

"...I ended up living with Tohma...he didn't want to let me out of his sight. ...I was so...dead...I had no emotion and everything I did was...unconsciously. I had so many nightmares, I'd wake screaming and crying. I ended up sleeping with Tohma a lot...I'd always go to his room and hug him and sob and...everything." I close my eyes as pictures flood into my head. "...I wouldn't be here...if it wasn't for Tohma..."

"...hmm."

"...I remember...he went off for a few minuets without me one day...I tried once more to commit suicide...he stopped me again...I ended up in a bloody mess though..."

"What were you doing?"

"...experimenting with a knife. ...I just got brave enough to actually try and cut my neck and wrist and even...stab myself." I was...a complete mess. "After that...Tohma didn't trust me alone at all. There wasn't ever a time he left me alone. He barely left me...and when he did he left me with Mika-chan. That was the time I got to know her. It was actually kind of fun talking with her and doing things like shopping and stuff together when Tohma did leave me with her. She also helped in my recovery. Along with Nori. It took a long time though for me to finally realize I needed to get back up and sing and laugh and write and be happy. In a way...I've never truly recovered. I'm split into many personalities and the only time I show my true self is around Tohma, because he's the only person who can bring it out. It was three years after, I was happy, I could sing, I could give it my all. I was finally reborn...I owe it all to my friends, but mostly Tohma...I owe him my life. I also owe much of credit to K as well...he helped too."

"...the gun happy American? Van Diesel with hair? What he do, threaten you?"

"No...you know...the funny thing is...he never pulled a gun on me. So I don't get it when people get all scared around him."

"You're lucky..." I guess Eiri and K had a bad experience...

"...well...anyway..." I get up and stretch. That was a long story...and I think I want to go to bed now. I wanted to actually go to bed after Tohma left...

"Where are you going?"

I turn around. "To get some water so I can go to bed...is that a problem?" does he still want to talk? If he does...geez...even I know when to quit.

"It is…" he gets up and wraps an arm around my waist, bringing me close. "I want to show you what it's like when someone fully cares and wants to be completely gentle." he leans in close, like really close… like, oh my god what are you doing?

"Eiri-" my eyes widen instantly as his lips press softly to my own. What...why is he...? "Hmm..." it's so light and...caring. ...I…I guess...I could...I could let him...my eyes slide shut while I let him lead me on to his bed and press me into the wall near.

I wasn't…expecting this. Oh…the blood is rising into my cheeks as I feel his hand sneak up my shirt.

He pulls away from me and stares deep into my eyes. I know I'm getting lost in them and my heart has this strange pull. I can't believe I'm actually doing this but I just don't want to stop him. Somewhere I know there is something really wrong about this. But…

I'm suddenly being lowered into the bed and kissed again. It's strange how light my heart feels. ...the butterflies in my stomach are going wild. I can't blame them.

He pulls away from me. I have no clue what to say. I wish we could read each others' minds right now. If he could read mine, it'd be a lot more coherent than anything I could say right now. What…do I even want to say? "Eiri…I…why…? I don't…understand-"

He silences me by putting a finger to my lips. "The words aren't necessary right now Ryuichi. I promise this is nothing like Yumi."

That's not exactly why I'm so confused though. I'm confused because…I tell him a story of my past lover after avoiding him for almost two weeks and then…he tells me he cares for me. …Is the only reason he didn't say anything was because of all the recent events? "But Eiri…something…something's wrong-mmmn." Wow, that could get old fast. I'm sorry but…who likes being interrupted. …though…gods…his kiss is so…amazing…

"Am I hearing this right? The great Ryuichi Sakuma is doubting love?"

I blush and turn away, only to hear him chuckle at me and bring our mouths together again.

This time though, even when I want to pull away, I can't as he puts his full weight on my body and we stay kissing.

"Nnh…"

He intertwines our hands as I feel his tongue slip past my lips.

Gods…

I haven't been kissed like this in so long…

…have I ever…?

"Ahh…" Eiri leaves our kiss only to move to my neck. I want to laugh and moan all at once since that spot's sensitive in both ways.

"Heh…"

"Wh-what are you laughing at…?" I try to squirm away when I feel my shirt come off but he holds me down after getting the material off.

"You."

"What did I-!?"

"You're adorable, but you ask way too many questions. Just go with something for once without being suspicious."

I look away from him, frowning. "I'm sorry…I'm just not…used to this…"

"And don't apologize either. I don't like it when you do that because you've usually done nothing wrong."

I want to say 'sorry' again, but I know I'll totally get teased or yelled at. Neither of which I want to deal-

"H-hey! I get what we're about to do! But did you really have to do something that embarrassing!?"

He snickers and pulls off his own shirt smiling at me before he leans down and suckles on my chest.

"Mā…!"

As I get lost in the motion, I suddenly feel cool fingers sliding into my jeans and I completely cry out, startling Eiri pretty bad.

"S-sorry…I'm not-"

"I know, I just thought I hurt you."

And as though that never happened Eiri goes back to caressing and fondling me anywhere his hands can take him…

He comes back to kiss me as I feel the coarse denim slide down my legs and off my body completely, and I arch into the cool air of my room but instead connect with Eiri's hips and gasp.

I hear him groan quietly and pull away from my lips once more, replacing tongue with fingers.

Moaning slightly at the salty digits moving around in my mouth, Eiri removes them and shifts them inside me.

"Mā…!"

Gods…not for so long…it hurts…

"Itái..!"

"It'll get better, promise."

"Mmmn…"

I'm blushing like mad and trying to tell my body not to move or pull away, but all I can concentrate on is how much this hurts.

But after what seems like half an eternity, I'm used to it and I feel Eiri lift my knees upon his shoulders and lean down over me.

I look up at him, slightly afraid, but I've learned to trust him almost as much as Tohma or K.

He smiles softly at me and I melt as he kisses me one last time while pushing himself into my body.

I can't help but clutch his arms or close my eyes and let two trails of tears fall from the immense pain of being stretched to my limits. And yet…

And yet I look up at Eiri and stare into his eyes and expression.

And I know…

I know more than ever that he cares greatly for me and this is someone I can afford to open myself up to. I can let him, Eiri, have everything and anything I can give him.

And that's when…

It all hits me.

Can't get enough, it's more than words
Don't let me down, I want it to be revealed
One more night, even if a scar remains
The eyes you look into were the first you saw

More tears join the ones formed from pain, but they're not pain, and I smile back at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and kiss him with all my affection.

"Ryuichi?"

"I understand…I understand it all now…"

"What do you mean?"

"I just…it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I understand that…that I…"

Can I say it…?

"I love you…"

His eyes widen, and I almost think he's going to leave, but instead he cups my face gently in his hands and connects our foreheads.

"Ryu…"

I stare at him till he finally looks up at me, tears shinning in his eyes too.

"I love you…"

And we kiss as our passionate act begins, making me believe why so many say that the most divine moment in the world, is doing this with your beloved for the very first time…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So touching, too bad I was the only one who witnessed it."

I find myself sitting straight up in the bed again.

Oh gods no…not this again…

It's a dream Ryu, only a dream, it's ok, there's no one outside. There's no one there watching every move I make…

Ok, just get up and go splash some water on your face or something. It's ok…

I get up carefully watching the window from the corner of my eye as I head into the bathroom only three paces away.

All I need is something cool on my head.

I turn on the faucet, clearly avoiding the mirror as the cool substance runs smoothly down my face.

I stiffen a little when I hear the shower currents rustle behind me, but shrug it off remembering that Eiri opened the window in there after taking a bath together.

God what's wrong with me?

Tohma's always told me this is just an irrational fear of mine…gods I'm almost forty and I'm still scared of things in my closet, or under my bed, or outside the window, or in the shower, or in the mirror…

I'm tired of having these things…

My head needs to get checked if not for those reasons alone…

I sigh as I remember I left the water running and turn it off finally looking at my shadowy reflection.

For once I need to just-

Everything is suddenly tense as my eyes catch something in the background of the mirror and my ears hear a scratching at the glass.

My pupils focus in on what's there.

Oh gods…!

It's that smirking figure…

The one from…!

The inevitable happens as my body begins to tremble, I go cold and I'm frozen completely to that spot, staring at the thing grinning maliciously at me through the reflection.

But then my brain tells the rest of me to do something I don't want it to.

I turn slowly and face the window fully…

And all I hear then is an uncontrolled scream that comes from my own mouth, while I cover my ears and sink to my knees, crying as loud as I can manage.

"Iié!! Iié!! Atchí e yukí nasái!! Atchí e yukí nasái!!! Tasŭkéte!!!"

"Ryuichi!?!"

"Ryu!?!"

My heart…it hurts…it won't stop pounding…oh gods please…help me…

I feel two sets of arms grab at me.

I push both away even though I know one of them so well.

"Iié! …iié…! Kamáwazu…ni oité… Kamáwazu ni oité…"

The two people next to me back off a little, but one comes back and embraces me gently.

"T…Tohma…"

I begin to cry and I grasp his shirt, and I hear myself talk, but it's neither English nor Japanese…

I'm so scared…

I can't even…

But I feel the other person in the room wrap their arms around my waist and whisper softly into my ear…

"It's ok Ryuichi…everything's ok."

For some reason I relax then, falling limp in both their grasps.

And then everything's just quiet for a while…

And I feel my conscious drift away from the room I broke down in…

So warm…

"Ryu…?"

My eyes snap open and I look up at Tohma who has somehow gotten up and turned on the lights without me noticing. Leaving Eiri to hold me.

"What happened Ryu? Are you alright?"

I shake my head and cling to Eiri. "I swear…I swear I saw…I swear this time I saw…someone…something outside the window…in the trees…I swear…"

I watch as Tohma goes over to the window, closing it and examining it all at once. Then come back over to us.

"Ryu…are you sure it wasn't a shadow or the wind?"

"I…I…"

I knew it…no one…ever believes me…

Or maybe what it really is, is that I'm afraid that Tohma knows…

My eyes widen at that and I start to struggle a little against Eiri.

"Ryuichi? Hey, what the-"

"I-I'm ok now…really. Please just…"

He lets go of me and I instantly try to stand but get really dizzy and fall over into the wall.

I hear them both move to come help, but I shake my head and go into the next room sitting down on my bed.

"Ryu are you-"

"I'm ok…really. …I'm sorry…for being so dumb. …I just get…really scared at night and…"

And I've betrayed you Tohma…

Tohma reaches out to touch my shoulder but I tense up and scoot back on the bed.

"Ryu-"

"I-I'm sorry…I really…really just need to be alone…"

"Alright. Eiri…"

I wait to hear them leave but it never comes, so I look up and see Eiri staring down at me…and he's so…upset…and angry.

"No, I'm not going to leave. Not when you were screaming for help and trembling on the floor like a new born rabbit."

"Please…"

"No. Clearly you-"

"Eiri please."

He stares at me, then sighs with frustration and leaves the room, Tohma following calmly after and shutting the door behind.

Gods…what am I going to do? …I…I slept with the man Tohma loves more than anything in the world. …I've betrayed Tohma…the one person who's been there for me more than anyone else in this world. …Gods…I'm going to hell just for this…

What do I do? …Maybe pretend it never happened…

But I…

We both confessed our love…

And I…truly meant it…

I do but…

Gods…there has to be a perfect place in the lower levels of hell for people who betray friends for someone they love…who the friend loves…

Gods…!

I don't know…what to do…

I wish…I was stronger…

Dream

Ima no todokanu hikari no yukue

Why am I singing this so slow? And why is Tohma watching me? Why isn't he up here playing with me? Where's Nori?

Azaya ni mau omi o egakou

Every things so confusing right now…it feels like the first time I sang. But even then…Tohma was up here with me. And Yumi…was in the crowd…cheering me on…

Michicbiku kotoba ga koboreteshimawanu you ni

I close my eyes. I can't see this anymore.

Utsuru toki o osorenaide

Tohma looks so sad…no! I'm going to keep my eyes shut!

Todokau hakari no yukue

Where am I singing this anyway? And why is only Tohma here?

Azaya ni mau omi o egakou

"Ryu."

What? Who is calling my name? It doesn't sound like Tohma…

Michicbiku kotoba ga koboreteshimawanu you ni

"Ryu, look at me"

I don't want to look…I don't want to see Tohma so sad…I don't want to remember!

"Ryuichi!"

I'm opening my eyes…

Utsuru toki o osorenaide

"Eiri…?"

He's looking at me…with those beautifully horrific piercing golden eyes of his…what did I do? "Exactly Ryu. Don't fear the changing times."

"What?" I don't fear them. Or…do I? I close my eyes again. Maybe I do fear change…

"Ryu..."

Why is Eiri here, now? Why is he telling me to not fear change? I don't think…I open my eyes once more. Wait…I'm not on the stage…I'm in a bed with Eiri…with him over me…w-what's going on? I don't remember being here! I'm scared…

"Don't be scared Ryuichi," he cups my cheek, his hand is so cold…and I feel so hot. "You know I'm not going to hurt you, so don't look so worried."

I am worried; I am scared…what's going on? Something is missing. …wait…where's Tohma!?

End

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wake with a start and cover my face with my hands.

Nothing's going right…

Ever since that night happened…

About four days ago now

I've not only been having more of them, but…

Eiri's gotten so aggressive…

I won't push him away when he comes to me at night. I just let it happen.

No…it's nothing like Yumi…

I mean he's rougher than…our first time together. But he isn't hurting me.

He comes in…and either seduces me or just down right pushes me on the bed then I practically pass out in his arms. Then I wake up and he's gone, but only to his own room.

And Tohma's been out so often…

He doesn't even tell us where he goes. He just makes us breakfast, says 'good-bye' then leave for the whole day.

…I keep trying to tell him about the things I've been seeing every night…

But he asks if I've been watching any horror movies lately, I say nothing and he takes that as a yes and pats me on the head then goes to bed.

Then the whole thing starts with Eiri…

And then I see something after waking up and find out that Eiri's gone…

…I can't win…

I don't understand how coming back here could make things so bad…

Why now…

Why this…I hate being so weak…

Gods…for once…

I just wish…

I could sleep…

Without having to worry about a stalker outside my window. Or Eiri being sad and upset with me.

…Or worst of all…

Tohma getting hurt by finding out…what Eiri and me have been doing…

And what we said that first night.

Even though…

Everything about it was real…

What I said was the truth.

But…I don't want to hurt Tohma…I can't…he's everything to me…

Damn it…I just wish…I knew what to do…

I need help…

But I don't know how to ask for it…

Please…someone…

I need help…

"Hey, get up."

"Nnh…?" what's…going on…? How long have I been sleeping…?

"We need to talk, so get up."

Oh no…

I pull the covers over my head and shut my eyes tight. …I don't want to think about this right now…Not again for the eightieth time…

"Hey! What the hell!? I'm trying to talk to you!"

I feel him tugging at my blankets and I clutch them around me tighter. For once can we go an evening without him having sex with me…?

"I don't want to right now! Tohma's probably still up and I don't want him knowing anything! I keep telling you that!"

"One, we have to tell him some time this millennium! And two, if Tohma's up right now, then he's crazier than I am. Its three AM Ryuichi!"

I let go of the sheets and feel them leave my body. "…Oh…" I didn't think I've actually been sleeping that long…

He climbs in next to me and I start to get out, but he grabs hold and forcefully embraces me.

"No! This just can't happen any more Eiri-"

Gods it gets frustrating after being interrupted a thousand times by him kissing me!! Geh!

"It can! And honestly, you don't know how much you're hurting both Tohma and me! Pushing us away isn't alright! Goddamn it Ryuichi!"

"I'm sorry I hurt you both! But the thing I keep seeing is probably my own conscious telling me that either Tohma already knows or he's going to find out!"

"Your right! We're going to tell him instead of letting him find out different ways!"

"No! No! I don't want to hurt Tohma! I don't want him to find out!"

"Then why did you say you loved me!?!"

My body goes limp and everything suddenly goes numb, but Eiri's still talking…

"Was that a lie!? Because let me tell you right now, when I said it, I meant it! Completely! I love you Ryuichi Sakuma! And that's not going to change no matter how much you avoid me! I bet Tohma feels that way as well!"

My fingers are shaking, but then I realize all of me is shaking as I clutch Eiri's shirt and begin to cry.

"Watashí…"

"You what?"

"…I…I did mean it…I wasn't lying. …But I keep getting this image of Tohma crying…Tohma being hurt…all because of me…"

"Us. It wouldn't be just your fault; it takes two to tango Ryuichi."

"…I know but…"

"But nothing. What do you think Tohma would be more hurt about? Us telling him, or us never telling him, keeping it a secret, and then he finds out a way we don't want him to."

…I guess…he's right but…

"I just…don't want to see him cry…I don't want to hurt Tohma…"

"Ryuichi…"

We stay in silence, I'm not sobbing anymore, but the tears won't go away either.

"…What if we made a deal?"

"…deal?"

"Yeah. What if…I stopped smoking like you keep telling me to, and then, both of us have to talk to Tohma about this."

…I…that would…help a lot…I mean…then Tohma nor I would have to worry about Eiri's cancer starting up again…I…it's practically an unfair trade. …Eiri sacrificing more than me…gods…how…how can I say no?

"…Ok…we'll tell him. …Together. …But you have to keep your promise."

He smiles at me and I melt and am almost sure that it'll be ok. "As good as done. I kind of wish I got one more in, but what the hell. Might as well start now."

I smile back, and lean into the warm body protecting me. "Arigatou…ahske…"

"What does that word mean?"

Oops…I totally forgot that I'm the only Mercedes Lackey nerd here…geh. I love that word so much though. …I've always…wanted to call someone that… "Umm…it means 'beloved'. I…I got from one of the book series I read…sorry, if that bothered you."

"Actually, I liked it. I don't mind."

I blush and burry my face into his chest and start to drift off to sleep. My fears are still there but…I know Tohma wouldn't be mad at us for that…or Eiri would let me do it alone. …I guess…I just need to stay calm and let go for once…

I peak out from the door frame, Eiri behind me. My heart is racing and I'm really dizzy. …I bet the lack of sleep isn't helping this but…Eiri thought it would be better, if we caught Tohma before he started doing anything more than drinking coffee and reading.

"Eiri…"

"Don't give me that, I already want a damn cigarette, and there's no way you getting out of this now."

He pushes me out of my room and I try to gain my balance before I let Tohma know that both of us are in the same room…

So I walk out first, and I'm so stiff that it's hurting my joints a little.

But Eiri's right behind me, so I try to loosen a bit.

And then Tohma looks up at us, and my instinct almost is to run scared.

But it's Tohma…the person I owe my life to. The only person who's ever understood me. …Gods…I owe him everything. …Especially the truth…

"Good morning Ryu, Eiri. How are you feeling?"

I start to tremble again. I have no words to spare, but I have to try. I have to make up for everything.

"Watashí…"

He blinks at me then smiles lightly. "Are you meaning to speak in Japanese?"

"N-no…I…I'm b-better. …B-but first I…I need to…I…I-I'm s-sorry Tohma…for what I've been doing the past week…I'm sorry." Gods I sound like an idiot…

"No worries Ryu. If that's why you're shaking-"

"N-no…it's not…I mean…it is some of the reason but…"

I hear Eiri sigh behind me and he forces me to sit down in a chair directly across from Tohma.

"Now stay there, god, I don't need you to fucking pass out…again."

"S-sorry…"

"Jesus…Tohma, I suppose both of us need to talk to you."

"Go right ahead."

Eiri sits down next to me and I feel his fingers intertwine with mine from under the table. Wait this is a glass table…what if…

"That night, before the whole mirror crisis, and while you were gone, Ryuichi and I were talking about…our pasts. Though, I guess we've been getting to know each other throughout the three months we've all been together, but that night we told each other the darkest parts."

I look up at Tohma through my hair and he's being just as understanding as ever. …Heck…he probably already knows where this is going…

"You two have gained a lot of trust and respect for one another."

"Yeah, very much so."

I know Eiri's looking at me, but I have no strength right now to look at anyone.

"You want to finish it off Ryu?"

I blush…he rarely calls me by my nick name. If Tohma doesn't know now…than the world's gone wrong…

"Tohma…we…we really…l-like each other…" gods…that's just like me to use such a small word. …Damn it Ryuichi Sakuma! By the Kumagaros within me, if I don't say what needs to be said, may lightening strike me dead! "What I want to say is…! …w-we love…each other…"

Oh gods awkward silence…I might be stricken down anyway.

"I see…"

Oh no…oh gods…that tone in his voice…damn it…I don't…want this…

"I'm very happy for you both. Congratulations."

"Thanks."

No not thanks. …Eiri…don't you hear how sad he is…? Damn it…!

Tohma…why…? …Why can I never…make you happy…? …why can I never…?

Damn it…once again the famous Ryuichi Sakuma screws everything up for everyone.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gods…it's so awkward. …We've had breakfast, but I've barely eaten a thing. No one's really talking but Eiri…and that's even more a twist of events…

And he's the one scolding me for not eating anything. …Gosh…maybe there is something wrong with this world…

I can't even drink juice today…

But I bet Tohma is worse…how can I even think about complaining when…I probably crushed all his dreams and his faith in me and…gods! I'm so sorry Tohma…!

No…no…don't cry…

"Unfortunately, I have some business to attend to. I'll try not to be too long, but I can't promise anything. I should at least be back later this evening or early tomorrow morning."

"Alright…is everything ok?"

Oh gods…is he…he's going away because of me…! No…! Please…I'm sorry…

"Yes, quite fine."

We watch Tohma get up and take our plates to the sink and wash them off at pretty much impossible speed then grab his keys and coat.

"I'll see you both later."

I'm up and clinging to his sleeve before he even opens the door. But I still can't look at him.

"Tohma…"

"Ryu, it's fine. No worries…just rest, you've been having many sleepless nights from what I know, so go sleep. I'll see you later."

And then…he leaves us…and…I don't know what to think…

Oh Tohma…I'm so…so sorry…

Heh…I think I'm almost back to the state I was in after I killed Yumi. Only…

I've killed a different person…

…A person who matters to me so much…it hurts…

I've killed his hopes…maybe he had a chance to being with Eiri…

Gods…I just kill everything.

Tohma…!

I have to…

Damn it!

I love Eiri…I do…

But I love Tohma…and I've loved him longer…

Still…they're both different loves…

I can't…

"Ryuichi? Are you going to hide from me forever?"

Yes…

No…

I just…have no clue right now…

"Ryu…"

I hear him lean against the door frame outside. It's funny how he already knows I've locked the door…

"Look, Tohma didn't leave because of you Ryu. He left because he needs time to think on us."

"…But what if he never gets over it…? What if I hurt him that much?"

I jump when he pounds on the door.

…I just can't make anyone happy…

"Goddamn it! It's not your fault! If it's anyone's it's mine! It's mine because I just can't love Tohma the way he wants! I can't give him what he wants! Damn it! I can barely do anything for him! He does everything for me and won't let me pay him back in any way shape or form! Ryu…he expects nothing from me…you can't make someone happy…if they expect nothing from you…"

Oh Eiri…

"No one understands…I love Tohma. …But not the way he wants. …I want to love Tohma the way he wants me to…but I just can't. …I want to repay him…I want to show him the kindness he's always shown me…but I can't. …he won't let me…"

Eiri…

I get up and I open the door, and he's sitting there sobbing and my heart just…

Breaks…

"Eiri…"

I begin to cry and I kneel down and hug him. It's so easy to forget that I'm older than he is…

He's been the one protecting me…

I have to…give something back.

"Don't…don't you dare ever say it's your fault that Tohma's hurt. …Because it's not."

"But it's not yours either…"

"But it is…it truly, deeply is. That's really why I never wanted anyone special again…It's because I feel like I can never give anything back to them. …They're always…doing everything for me…"

"…you know…that's exactly how I feel…"

"Heh…ironic, ne?"

"Maybe a little. But, I've found other things more ironic than this."

"Really? What?"

"…That I'm older than you."

He looks up at me and I'm not sure what look is on his face but then he laughs. "I guess I understand that one. However, you have your moments."

"Yeah, but I always feel younger than everyone I've met. Even your brother."

"That's just because you're a total uke."

I blush and look away. "…so?"

"Heh, but I love you that way." He kisses me and once again I'm the one falling into his arms, seeking warmth and protection. …is that all I do to people…?

I'm still so unsure of myself…

I wonder if…

Anything will ever turn out right?

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No gods…not that dream again…

Damn it…

I'm on an emotional rollercoaster right now, begging to be let off, but no one's there to listen.

I'm having trouble breathing, and I'm hot but cold all at once.

I untangle myself from Eiri's arms and start searching for my clothes in the dark.

The last thing I want is for him to wake up and follow me.

I need to get away too. But it's not because of Eiri…

It's just…because of me. …if I can really…count on myself to handle any of this the right way.

But…I'll just take a walk…maybe the cool air will help me clear my mind…

I carefully sneak into the kitchen and grab my own set of keys and look for Kuma.

Wait…where is he?

…if he's back in my room, I really can't go back and get him.

Oh well…

Perhaps this is meant to be a solo act…

I wonder why I came here.

Eiri's old house…

The place Shu-chan…

I shake my head and walk closer staring at the hugs window that reveals upon the living room.

Gods, I can't even imagine how that must have been for Eiri…for him to come home…and see it before he even got to wondering how Shu-chan was doing.

…I shiver and I'm practically being drawn to the house.

…Going in wouldn't hurt would it?

I walk over to the front door and find it unlocked.

It creaks as I push open it to get in.

I look around for a light switch and flip it on, but nothing happens. Shoot…they probably cut the power from this place after Tohma forbade the relaters to sell it.

Oh well, there's a pretty big moon out tonight. So it's not like its dark or anything.

I'll just keep the door open…

I walk in more and freeze.

That spot right there…

That's where the rope was…where Shuichi…

I shake my head. Don't start freaking yourself out now…

So I stare out the window instead.

It is a very pretty night…

I sigh and close my eyes. …why did I come in here? What was the point?

…What Shuichi really didn't kill himself?

"What…?"

I must be going crazy. I mean sure there's something wrong about it, but…

There's a lot of things like that, but that doesn't make them any less true…

Maybe…I should just go back home. Eiri will really worry if he finds me gone. And I don't-

And then something catches my eyes.

I walk over, but instantly turn cold as I walk under the place where a friend once hung.

But I shake it off and bend down to pick up the thing between the cracks.

Oh gods…

This says…

Taki Aizawa…!?

No…oh gods…he…

And the pictures flash through my head.

Shuichi answering the door…Taki grabbing him and throwing the rope around his neck as he begins to strangle him. …Shuichi ripping off the necklace with the beds just before he falls dead and cold…Taki scattering to pick up all the beads but missing a few and this…

Oh gods…

Shuichi didn't kill himself…

"Shit…"

I clutch the small object in my hand and my entire being is telling me to run to the police-

But then I hear the door shut from behind.

What…

No, no…it's just the wind…

This isn't a horror movie Ryuichi…you're fine. Stop being paranoid. For heaven's sakes! This is important! Shuichi was murdered!

I turn and go for the door…locked?

…Perhaps I'm just…losing my mind…

It's fine, I'll just go out the back door.

I turn and walk through the kitchen to get to the back door.

But I swear I hear footsteps after mine…

I quickly look behind me and, but see nothing but the moon light glaring at me for coming here.

"But at least I found out what really happened, no one can scold me for that."

I hear laughter and my blood begins to pump and the hair on my neck stands at end as I run and grip the handle.

Why won't it open!?

"Let me out!"

"We can't have that Ryuichi-san."

I scream. Stop, stop!! Stop it now mind!

I run into the hallway, but I don't even know where to go!

But I find myself in the bathroom, crying and slamming it, fumbling to lock it in the dark.

"Please…please this has to be some stupid trick my mind's making up…I'm fine…everything's fine…"

Deep breaths…deep breaths…

I lean on the sink and look up.

No…no! Not another mirror!

I squeeze my eyes tight and grope for the faucet and finally turn it on, splashing cool water on my face.

Keep calm…everything's ok…

It'll all be fine…

I inhale deeply and finally look up into the mirror, seeing only my pale flushed face barely illuminated by the moon light behind.

…Why do I always find the bathroom, not only with a mirror but a window?

I place my head in my hands.

"After this…I really need to go see a psychologist."

I lean on the wall next to me and feel the breeze from outside. Probably just a crack in the window…it's relaxing me all the same.

"How are you doing Ryu-san?"

"Iié!!!!"

No, no!!

"Let go! Let go!!!"

I shove the hand on my shoulder away and fumble the door open and I run.

But this time I know someone's behind…I'm not making this up…I am going to die…

And that's when I'm pulled back against the stalker, seizing my wrists in one gloved hand and forced against the wall as I feel something stabbed into my arm.

Oh gods…they're poisoning me!

Oh no…I feel weak…gods…help me…

"Wow, for such a peaceful guy, you sure are hard to contain."

My throat feels constricted and I'm having trouble breathing as I sink to the floor with the man still holding on to me.

"It took you long enough to get here. I was starting to think my plan would never work."

He's whispering into my ear and I want to push him away, but everything's numb and painful all at once.

"You like my poison? It's quite clever isn't it? It makes sure your victim can't move, but the nerves are enhanced to feel pain ten times as much. …Maybe not ten times, but it still makes sure you'll feel pain loud and clear. Want to test that for me Ryu-san?"

"…nnh…nnn…!"

"Poor thing, too bad you have to get involved. I admire you, you know. Who doesn't? You're like the untouchable god of all musicians. Heh, isn't it ironic then that I'm touching you right now?"

I feel his other hand slide over my neck and then over my shirt.

"Unfortunately though, you just had to be mixed up with Seguchi. Therefore, is the reason why you have to be hurt."

I whimper, I cant do anything right now except let tears flow down my face and on to this man's hand.

"You know, it's too bad too. However, Seguchi has a thing about ruining people's lives. I could have gotten over that fucking brat and the damn writer, but Seguchi. God, Seguchi destroyed my life! That's something I shall never forgive."

I feel him shift behind me and feel something press against my throat and I try to move my neck the only thing that happens is I scream.

He laughs long and hard even when I stop and become weaker in his grasp, gasping for air.

"So, it does work. Too bad I couldn't warn you before it happened, but oh well. Anyway, back to issue at hand. You see, I've been planning this for a very long time. You see, I killed Shuichi then waited for all three of you to come back here so I could follow your every move, and watch everything you did. Which, by the way, you and Yuki-san put on quite a show for me. I must thank you for that."

His hand runs up over my thigh to the top of my jeans and I feel sick that he's even thinking about this while plotting my death.

"However, like a good little pawn, you ended up here after being driven mad after telling Tohma you two were an item. All of you played the game exactly how I wanted you to. So congrats, perhaps I should give you your prize Ryuichi-san."

I start to tremble when the dagger runs down from my throat to my chest.

…I'm going to die…right here…in this man's arms…without ever being able to tell Tohma or Eiri how much I love them or care for them. …How much I owe them…

Oh gods…

Tohma…I'm so sorry…

Then there's a sudden event of movements and nothing but pain…

Nothing but darkness…

Nothing but regret…

Tohma…

Eiri…