My Roommate Is a Wraith
By Holly-Batali
Disclaimer: I don't own SGA (for the sixth time). I don't own the Three Stooges, either.
WARNING: contains extreme stupidity. Read at risk of insanity. Enjoy.
Chapter 6: Talking to the Voice
John Sheppard was one lucky man.
He knew that everyone thought he was bonkers after his chair episode, but Elizabeth still agreed to let him go offworld; and Carson even kept the poking and needles to an all-time low. It was like some twisted Christmas had come early.
"All right, John; looks like you're clear to go." Elizabeth stood next to John and his team as they got ready to head out on another reconnaissance mission.
"Back in time for dinner," he replied.
She raised an eyebrow. "And don't forget; no destroying entire government systems, no burnnig down buildings, don't kill anyone, and please, for the love of all that's holy, don't come back as arms dealers. Again."
"Don't worry," said John, holding back a smirk with difficulty. "We'll be good. Right Ronon? Rodney?" he recieved a neutral expression from Ronon; Rodney gave him an 'I'd kill you, but I'm too brilliant to waste the time' look. "Right, let's go!"
As the familiar whoosh of the wormhole activation sounded, John looked over the Gate Room again. "Move out!" he said, following his team through the event horizon.
"You know, I really don't see the point in doing all these missions if all Elizabeth is going to let me do is scan a few rocks and take back some grass in a petri dish for a botany analysis. Can't she at least let me take a few things back that might actually be useful? I mean, just look at all--"
"McKay," Sheppard groaned, leaning against a crumbling pillar. "Give it a rest already!" He didn't even bother to listen to the scientist's no-doubt-snappy comeback, but just walked away.
"Sheppard, where do you thing you're going!"
"Border check!" John yelled over his shoulder, walking away. "Despite despite how much trouble it got me in trouble last time," he added in an undertone.
He jogged away, anxious for some space to think...He stopped and sighed. Preferably without Ronon trailing me.
Sheppard glanced around discreetly and walked into the nearby woods. It would be easier to lose...why was he trying to lose Ronon in the first place? John rolled his eyes and moved forward; it was weird enough the Wraith needed his help. Now he was playing hide and seek with a gun-slinging alien? Well, more or less, anyway. He's like the Pegasus version of Clint Eastwood--
"Shemp?"
John stopped suddenly, cocking his head to the side. He glanced around. "Moe?"
"Ya there?"
John gave his best 'what the hell?' look and ducked behind the nearest tree.
"Moe?" he asked again in the 'what did you do?' tone he usually reserved for McKay when things started blowing up.
"It worked! Well, I knew it would, I mean, I'm pretty darn smart and, of course, the best--"
"MOE!"
"Oh, right, sorry. Look, you know how you said you'd help us out if we needed it?"
"Yeah," said Sheppard cautiously.
"We need it."
Sheppard rubbed his temples in a now-familiar gesture. "Okay, what do you want?"
"Well, see, we've got this problem--"
"Yes, obviously." Sheppard took a moment to realize that Ronon was probably watching him, and most likely thought he'd lost it. Think he'll buy it if I tell him that it was the lasagna at lunch? That stuff is pretty toxic. And Rodney did dare me to eat it. Maybe if I throw in a few--
"Our Hive is stranded in space."
Sheppard blinked. Didn't see that one coming.
"We're stuck here, can't move. We'd fly to another Hive for assistance, but we're not really on friendly terms with anyone right now. And our mechanic died in that attack, you know, the one where we escaped. See, you're one of the only one's who knows how to fly darts and ships and stuff, so we could really use your help. I mean, you'd be free to walk around and everything, since you'd be helping us out and all. If you like, we can even get you your own quarters and--"
"MOE!" Sheppard cut him off. "Relax. I haven't even said yes. Come to think of it, I haven't been able to say anything yet. So shut up for a minute, will ya?"
There was a pause. "Sorry."
John sighed, trying to sound long-suffering. "I'll need to talk to Eli--to, my leader about it. She'll let me, um, let you know, through, uh--ah, screw it. How'll I let you know her answer?"
"Oh, that's simple! See, I tapped into your brainwave frequency pattern on that Hive while we were there (I mean, come one. It gets boring, and a scientist has to do something to pass the time.) So I just input it into my special little invention, a frequency locator, if you will, and was able to pick you up, since the planet you're on is pretty close to where we're stranded. So, that said--"
"Get to the point, Moe." It was hard not to start banging his head on a tree. I'm way too nice. I should have just blasted 'em all when I had the chance. Would've saved me some trouble. And now an inevitable session with Kate...she's going to have a field day with this one...
"Oh, right, yeah. Well, if you just come back here and start talking to me, then it should work again. I mean, it's not like I'm going anywhere or anything, right?" He laughed. As far as John could tell, it sounded like a radiator with the hiccups.
"Yeah, yeah. I'll talk to my leader and let you know. So, do I just come back here and talk to you, or what?"
"Oh, yeah. We'll send down a few people--me among them--and you can give us your answer. Two days sound alright? Great, see you then!"
"MOE! Moe? Son of a--"
"Sheppard?" John jumped and spun around, where Ronon was looking at him from a group of trees. "Who've you been talking to?"
"Oh, that was just um...Moe. I need to talk to Elizabeth. See you at the 'gate" He backtracked through the woods, running at full tilt. And maybe Carson and Heighmeyer as well.