Angel's Point of View

"Angel…"

My head was throbbing. Did I get hit by a bus? What the hell was going on? Where the hell was I? If vampires could get sick, I would say I was going too…and soon.

"Angel…?"

My eyes shot open at the sound of another voice. It took a while before the darkness cleared from my eyes, and I forced myself to sit up. Wanting to reel back due to the indescribable pain that each tiny movement causes. I tried to take in my surroundings, and find out who was talking. Looking toward the door way I found out who was there. Liz. Well that answered one thing. I was at Liz's, Alright so I was at Liz's, not something completely weird. I've spent the night on her couch plenty of times, hell I even kept some extra clothes here. The clouds mucking up my head prevent any further thought on the weird factor. I just wanted to know how the hell I got here.

"Are you okay? I mean, I know you're a creature of the night and all but you've never slept in this late…"

I looked up at her, my head still pounding. I couldn't really tell what she looked like, but she was standing in the door way looking in at me. For some reason my eyes still had darkness claiming the edges of my sight, and my head didn't want to work. Some how I managed to form a coherent sentence.

"I'm fine. What time is it?"

"Four o'clock in the after noon."

"Oh…" God, how long was I out? What day is it? I need sometime to think. I needed Liz to go away.

"Well I got breakfast –more like an early dinner, its nothing much just some eggs, and bacon you know if you want some. But why would you, you don't eat. Wow, Liz, vampire… So yeah, I'm just going to hide in the kitchen now…"

She was gone before I could nod. But it was weird, Liz never stammered over her sentences and she would never forget I'm a vampire she always took time to remind me. What went on last night? Did something happen, well of course something had to happen if I couldn't remember what the hell happened? When it feels like you'd been slammed in a car crusher repeatedly long complicated thought processes where not good. Sighing I tried to fix the pillows behind me so I could get better situated on the bed. Wait…Bed? Why would there be a bed? For the first time I took a good look around the room, and I found I was not lying on the couch in the living room, but was sitting in Liz's bed. I was in Liz's bedroom. I pushed off the covers, to find I was only in my boxers. I was in Liz's bedroom in my boxers, with a shaky memory of last night. This did not bode well. I got up to find my pants on the floor, along with my jacket. Pulling the pants on I sat back on the bed trying to remember. What happened?

Sitting here huffing because I can't remember what happened wouldn't do anything. I wasn't going to brood; of course that's what Buffy thought I was doing; off brooding for something. Buffy… what did she think? I'd run off brooding if she went away? Who'd go and brood? I wouldn't, I didn't brood. I was clear minded. It wouldn't work between us, it just couldn't. Why would it… she just aggravated me so much. I was frustrated and angry but why did I throw her? That was wrong.

"Angel, just don't" She told me, and I knew she could clearly see how upsetting this was to me. How dare she tell me don't? How do you go from kissing to saying it's over your leaving? Didn't we go through this once? Didn't we have the big talk about waiting, and cookies? This was ridiculous. "Don't get mad, Angel. There's no point I'm leaving anyway."

She can just say it like that? She can just go off and into the world? How does she crash into my world and swim away? This wasn't fair that she was the one who got to pick, it isn't fair that we can't be together because of what we do, or who we are. It isn't fair that we could work if we weren't who we were. She brushed my shoulder, and I knew if I let her go she would keep going. She wouldn't stop at the door, she wouldn't come back, she wouldn't let me back in. She wouldn't keep me informed, she wouldn't think of me. She once told me she sometime she thought that far ahead, but now wasn't one of those times and if she went through that door there would be no more sometimes. I grabbed on her arm, what else was there? I had to keep here with me, she had to listen. The force of it made her to spin around and face me. I looked at her.

"Don't get mad? Why can't I get mad? You always get mad! Hell, for once, I'm not going to be the bad guy here Buffy!" I practically spat at her. I was mad. I was very mad. "It's different!" She shot back in retaliation. I knew she was right. I knew she earned this. She for once was going to leave me. I left her broken in my run to L.A., and in attempts to stop the dreams that I've caused. No matter how stupid that was; she was already having the dreams. I just wanted it to stop, wanted her to get better. Seeing her lying in bed with the IV in her I just couldn't bare it. And while she was supposed to leave, while it was her every right I knew I couldn't let her go. I didn't want this to turn out wrong again. I didn't want this to go on. I was upset, but about what I couldn't figure out. She moved closer and closer to the door. I just had to do it.

I ran to her and grabbed her around the waist. I flung her onto the couch, and took in a deep breath. How'd that happen? How could I just grab her like that? She was right I knew she should be doing this. We have been reminded to many times that we lived in different worlds. I could feel the guilt creep on my face, I apologized while pointing at the couch. I wasn't sorry I was mad, just sorry I threw her. I knew she understood what I was saying; she stood wiping imaginary dust from her pants. She was trying to gain control of a world crashing out of control, and I was no help. I did nothing but cause problems for her. But I still had to ask, "How is this different?" I had to hear her say what I knew she would. I watched as she took a step towards me, pointing her finger out at me accusingly. "Because, I announced I was leaving. I came to say g-goodbye, I didn't sneak off into the night and I didn't have someone else tell you I was leaving! I-"

Willow and Xander arrived at the right time. Xander instantly groaned, and complaining to Willow about how he knew it was a bad time to come back. Willow was smiling at him but her eyes were fixated on Buffy's right hand, the hand that had been damaged, the one with the weird symbol on it, the symbol that just had to reference an 'Angel' somewhere. It was unsettling how fixated she was on it. Xander moved to place a couple of bags on the table and Willow shut the door. She then marched up to Buffy, "You took the bandage off?" Buffy nodded, and flipped her hand over for Willow. The way Willow's face lit up scared me, no matter how happy she looked it still didn't look well. "The Tawaret Charm!"

I frowned at her. I didn't like the sound of that nor the fact Willow was so acquainted with it. She was rambling on but I was watching Buffy, and Buffy seemed to be staring off into space. Then Willow said something about Giles, and that raised the alarm. I walked over to Willow, who was now at the table scribbling on a piece of paper. She looked at me, and froze before giving me a reassuring smile. In a shower of words Willow attempted to explain what it meant, but I got the message it was nothing bad, and Buffy would be alright. I turned my head to see Buffy walking over to Liz, but Liz was trying to get away. Which was in fact surprising, why would she run? Liz had been up against worse things than Buffy. Buffy was closing in on her when she skirted around her, and clung onto my arm. Latching eyes I could just see how scared she was, and the need to get out. Liz pulled me back towards the door and I allowed myself to go. Willow was saying something about a book but I wasn't paying attention I was looking at Buffy.

Looking into Buffy's eyes I felt I should stay. I felt the she wanted me there, that the troubles I caused didn't matter and she would be happy if I just stayed. I should at least explain what was going on to her. Liz was kind of upset. Buffy must have thought me and Liz were dating but it wasn't like that Liz was a sister to me. I couldn't do anything like that with Liz, but I still felt the need to protect her just as any big brother would do. The look in Buffy's eyes made me want to stay, but Liz tugged on my arm. I looked down at her, and the feeling disappeared. I followed her out into the hallway.

"We should take the sewers Angel its light out now."

I nodded, following as the girl led me down the hallway. She was gabbing away about finding someplace to talk, and getting something to eat.

I felt dizzy, which was weird. I'm a vampire, vampires don't get dizzy. With a heaving sigh, I got up to pace around the room. I tried to recall what we did after we went down the hallway. I can see Liz's head in front of me as we descended the stairs to get to the basement but nothing else. Just flashes of things, a chair or a bench. Something else, but the images flashed past my eyes too quickly. I couldn't recognize any of them, they were just a blur. I felt like slamming my hand into something. It was aggravating, why could I remember? I knew something was up, there had to be something going on. I didn't just lose track of large sums of time like this.

I was guessing that it wasn't that same day. That in fact I had spent more time here than I thought I would've. I just wanted Liz to calm down, she seemed worried yesterday. She pulled me into the corner, asking tons of questions about Buffy's mark, and what I knew about it. I was worried about her. She had seen some bad things in her life but never this much at once. All the magic and spells they were talking about freaked Liz out. I didn't mean to stay a day and a half. I was worried about what happened yesterday, but why should I? There isn't anything going on between me and Liz, or wasn't. We have a purely friend relationship, or had. This was frustrating. Why could I remember what happened? I could remember things I'd done hundreds of years ago, but suddenly last night was wiped clean? There had to be something that I could remember. Sighing, I put my hands into the pockets of my pants, and found a receipt. Bonita's Kitchen…?

We walked out of the sewers into the shady alley beside Bonita's Kitchen, it was a little restaurant that looked like it belong somewhere down in the south, in Texas, in the middle of nowhere. But this was not the case; it was here in the big city clustered in between an antique shop and a loan shark. Also it had a back door for it's more…demonic customers. It was early morning, and I was surprised it was even open. We walked in the back door, Liz pointed out a couple seats we could take and I went to sit down. Liz was talking to some of the other waitresses and I guessed this is where she worked. Or at least when she wasn't helping me out.

I watched as she laughed with some of the other ladies. Liz seemed calmer now and she looked like she was having fun. She looked like a little kid again, and I smiled as I watched her. Even though I swore I wouldn't take on any more human companions, Liz was different. In the past there had always been people around me, a group of my friends who would help me help the … helpless. But being with me was dangerous, and as it is almost all of my companions died because of me. Doyle to Gunn, they all lived with me and died. I couldn't let that happen again, and no one was safe. Even Spike, who in the end showed who the true champion was, gave his life for the greater good…again. I was the one who incurred the hated wrath from the Senior Partners, and yet I was the only one to survive. It wasn't fair and I refused to let it happen a third time. I wouldn't let anyone die because of me ever again.

That's when Liz showed up. I found her in one of back rooms of a vampire nest I was clearing out. She had multiple bite wounds, cuts and bruises all over, and some of her skin burned. She was scared at first but as time went on I learned more about her. She was six when vampires attacked her house. Her mother had invited in some salesmen who had nothing to sell, and viciously ripped her parents apart in front of her. The vampires took her, and sold her as a toy. The vampires she belonged to would feed off her, or torture her. They barely kept her alive. Just enough to make sure she didn't die, but never letting her gain enough strength for her to be able to escape. I felt sorry for her, but I couldn't let her stay with me. The memories of the bodies in post-apocalypse L.A. were fresh in my mind. I wandered around just looking at the bodies that piled up the destruction everything was still fresh. Even though the next day the streets showed no sign of damage, and only a multitude of bodies were left I knew it happened. I knew it was because of me, and this girl had already been through hell once. She didn't need it again.

So I took her in, but only till she was strong enough to live her own life. She got better over time, and we got her an apartment, and I set her up nicely, ready to disappear from her life. I went back to fighting crime, and found she wasn't going to let me go so quickly. She knocked on my apartment door with battle axe in hand saying she as ready to go. I never re-opened Angel Investigations; it would be too much like before. But Liz and I go out every night and keep the vampire population down. I could barely believe it was only six months ago that I saved her, but it's been a good six month.

I looked at her and smiled. She was walking over to the table. Looking at her now, I could tell she was a vibrant young woman; she talked non-stop, and reminded me of my younger sister, Kathy. Kathy had always looked upon me with sadness in her eyes, since she usually walked in when my Father and I were fighting, mostly me getting yelled at. But she was always a sweet girl, with a kind word to say about even the most evil villain. Liz seemed like that now, a child even though she was roughly around twenty-two. I never had the nerve to ask her exact age. Liz chattered on about gossip she'd received from her co-workers, it was concerning, Rachel who disappeared from work last night only to show up at the managers house, alive and fully functional. Liz had actually gotten me hooked on the story of this girl Rachel, who was always appearing in peoples…houses.

So I was completely unprepared when her next questions shot out of her mouth, and these were not questions I could answer. Not only did I not want to explain, but I couldn't explain. Some of the questions she asked, I didn't have the answers too, and I was afraid of what the answers would be….

"How are you and Buffy? You two going to get back together? Because really I felt this vibe from Xander and her, all looking at each other in that way… you know what I'm talking about that I-got-a-secret way? Just like how he knew about the dreams and …"

I tried to recall what came next. What were the next words in her sentence? How did I react? What happened? I couldn't remember. I couldn't think it was foggy in my head, and each time I tried to access those memories it just came in a blur. Pushing my mind clear, I closed my eyes and concentrated on last night. I wanted the memories to flow smoothly but that wasn't going to happen. I was hit with random images, a dock, a fancy restaurant with candles, someone touching my shoulder, giggles, laughter, something smooth moving across my skin, then nothing. I couldn't recall any images, but my head felt like it was about to explode from the pressure. I could only guess this is what it felt like to have one of those bone-crushing visions.

The pounding in my head died to a slight pain but it didn't seem like it was going anywhere. I wasn't going to try anything again now, anyways. I would have to tell Willow this privately somehow, I didn't want Buffy to know I lost a whole day's worth of memories with Liz. Buffy had enough to worry about without adding me to the mix. I was still sure I was the problem with her dreams. Come on, could you blame me? From what Xander told me, she is having nightmares about our relationship, how does that not have a connection to me? Pulling my thoughts away from Buffy, I focused on my next problem. Liz. I couldn't remember what happened last night, and I just hoped she did. I need to know what went on, and where we stood. Since I don't really remember what happened, anything could have happened. Sighing, as I looked to the door I wondered what would happen if I just didn't get up. What if I just stayed in bed today? I knew that couldn't happen.

Getting up I walked towards the door, and found my shirt lying there. I picked it up, and put it on. Then I threw my coat on and went head first into a very awkward situation. Liz was sitting at the kitchen table in her apartment playing with the few bits of eggs and bacon on her plate. She looked up as I walked into the room and smiled. I gave her a half smile, and she started thanking me for taking her out last night. I tried to sound interested in what she was saying, but I was trying to think on how to bring up my question.

"-- and did very painful probing on you."

What? I looked up at Liz; I had completely missed the first part of the sentence lost in my thoughts. But I think she knew I wasn't listening, she was looking at me. I smiled at her, but it didn't seem to relieve her. She shook her head and pointed her fork at me.

"What is wrong with you?"

That was a question I myself wanted answered. I didn't have an answer for her, because I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I decided to plunge head first into the topic that was occupying my mind.

"Did we do anything last night?"

"Well, yes, we went to eat, and along the boardwalk, I mean you were there weren't you?"

"Yes and No. I can't remember most of last night. So did anything happen between us?"

She blinked at me, and seemed confused. She didn't know what I meant, and I really didn't want to explain what I meant. I wished I could just leave it alone, but I had to know. I sighed, and looked her in the eyes.

"I mean… I woke up in your bed in my boxers, and it just doesn't look good--"

"Oh! No. No. Nothing like that!" She cut me off, and practically shouted her denial. I was relieved and smiled at her. I got up from my seat and walked to her front door. My head was still lightly throbbing and I needed some fresh air. I need to try and get to the bottom of why I couldn't remember. I could hear Liz get up from her chair; I turned to see her walking into the living room. She was holding her pink robe close to her, and her feet in bright bunny slippers. Her hair was messed up, and I wanted to laugh at her, she looked silly that way but her face was alarming. She looked worried, and sad? I couldn't really tell.

"You are going to see Buffy, right?"

I was slightly aggravated at this question. Why did it matter? I walked out the door.

I had to wait at least another hour before sunset. I wanted to relive the night and see if actually going to the places could jog my memory, but I would have to figure out where we were. Why I didn't ask Liz when I had the chance? I was too prideful to go back now; I stormed out over such a simple question. Sighing I leaned up against a wall. I'm just no good with women. I never was. My first real relationship was with Darla, and she turned me into the murdering psychopath. Then, of course, the shamble of my relationship with Buffy, which I know all too well how that turned out. Of course there was Cordy, though that never really got anywhere. Then Nina, I turned her away after only a few weeks. I kicked a rock down the tunnel.

Buffy. So much has happened between us. I just wish they would leave it alone. Buffy had saved the world she had done her time, why couldn't the Powers leave her alone? Now with this dream thing, what did they expect to accomplish? With all the slayers Buffy shot out into the world she didn't have to be on evil duty twenty four seven, so why couldn't the powers choose one of them? Why was it always Buffy?

And even though I felt bad through all the pressure she was put through I wondered what she was doing in her life. I wondered if she ever thought of us again. Would she find some wiggle room so we could try again? Even though I was worried about her and her recent condition, I wanted her to get better and I knew this was defiantly not the time to be asking things like this but I wanted to know…were the cookies done? And if so, could I have any?

Shaking my head, I recalled the last time I'd seen her. She was ready to pack up and leave. And leave. I slammed my hand into a wall. I left with Liz, who in Buffy's reasoning was my girlfriend, for a day and a half. I smashed my hand into the wall again leaving a hole. She was probably long gone by now. Would she have really left? She was going too, she really was. She had her bag packed, ready to walk out the door prepared with a leaving speech and everything. Without me to stand in the way would she leave? What if I went back to the apartment and found her stuff cleared away and only a faint trace of her scent still catching on my things? Would I care?

No. No I wouldn't care. It was the right thing. She could leave for all I cared; she could be long gone half way around the world. Why did it matter to me? Of course I love her still, and I care deeply for her but it was her own choice to leave. It was up to her, and it wasn't any of my business. I slammed my hand into the wall till my knuckles started to bleed. I had made the hole even bigger, and the bricks were stained with blood. Swearing I ran through the tunnels, trying to get to the one under my building. I knew the tunnel path from Liz's house to mine well, but I couldn't move fast enough. Each second ticked away was another second that her scent would fade. I knew I shouldn't but I wanted to make sure she was okay. I would follow her, and watch to make sure she was okay but I wouldn't interfere with her life. I still loved her deeply, and I wanted to be apart of her life. But if she wouldn't let me I would watch from afar.

She once told me 'I just know that when you're around, whether I see you or not, - I feel you.' But I somehow doubt that is still the case. I should just let her get on with her life, shouldn't I? But some how I couldn't resist myself, and I still ran. Climbing up the ladder into the basement, I ran up the flights of stairs and stood out side my apartment. Standing by the door, my super vampire hearing alerted me there were people inside.

"It's a little dangerous, Buffy."

That was Willow who was talking. She was talking about something dangerous, most likely to do with whatever Giles found out. I didn't like that, I knew Giles didn't trust me, and I didn't trust him either. Scowling I opened the door.

"What's dangerous?"

I'm sorry it took me so long to get this out to you. I found that Angel was a hard character to write for me so I apologize for any OOC that Angel might display. I hope you like it. Thank you to all my reviews, and any readers who are still there .