Goodbye
When the hospital called I picked up the phone. Tears run down my face and when he arrived I sat crying on the couch trying to tell him what happened. He screamed, cried, not believing anything what I told him. He ran out, driving away. Hours later he went to the hospital seeing Lindsey in the waiting room. He sat beside her and took her in his arms. They sat there, not speaking, not crying. They didn't move, they just hoped, hoped that this wasn't the end.
I don't know how they survived the whole day sitting there, not eating not drinking. They just sat and although I was worried I knew they needed this. They needed to do nothing, they had to just sit there and hope. And I hoped, too.
In the beginning I didn't like her. I knew he loved her. I felt it, saw it. And it nearly destroyed me. But I know that he loves me, too. Not the way he loves her. Of course not. He could never love anyone so much like he loved her. But he loved me so much that he wanted to be with me, he wanted a family and he wanted to be just her friend, nothing more.
Every time they were together, eating breakfast, walking Hank, I feared that I could lose him. I didn't want to lose him, so I did the one thing I thought would glue him to me. I stopped taking the pill. And I was pregnant. Pregnant with his child. A baby I don't really wanted. I thought when I'm pregnant I would want it, but I was wrong. And now I know that I could never make him mine. He would always be hers. And even if we would marry, if we would be a family, he would be hers.
I made a lot of mistakes. I'm carrying a baby I don't want. I took a man who isn't mine. I took his chance be complete, to be happy. I have to fix this. When our baby was born I'd be gone. I knew he wanted the baby, so I wasn't going to take it with me. Lindsey is his daughter in heart; I knew he wanted to be with her during this. So she'd be staying with us. And I'm not going to marry him. I can't. He's not mine.
They are in the hospital again. Our baby girl was born today. I'm sitting in her room, ready to go, ready to leave him, ready to give him the chance to be happy.
"Take good care of him." I whisper to her sleeping form.
It's eight months now and she didn't wake up. I know she'll wake up. She has to. She wouldn't leave him alone. Although I could, she never could. She never would. She loved him before me and she'll love him after me. Hell she loved him during me. She'll never stop.
I wanted to say goodbye to May but I don't think it would be good. It would be wrong to say goodbye to her when I wanted to never come back again. I know he'll forgive me, he'll make her happy. I couldn't do it, but he can.
I call a cap and tears run down my face. I'm never going to see him again. I can't. It wouldn't be right.
"I love you Gil." I whisper and although I know that he can't hear me I know that he knows.
It's the last time I'll be really happy, but it's the first time I've done anything right.