In My Head

Chapter 6 - Untouchable

xXx

"Demyx ... you're not asleep yet, are you?" The blonde opened one eye a crack to peer into the near-darkness of the room around him. He could hear shuffling across the floor that sent a shiver through his spine, nearly having forgotten that Sora was still allowed to run free even though he had been able to for nearly two weeks now.

"'m still awake. Why?" Not really the truth, but the blonde didn't think he needed to explain that to the boy.

Demyx's body tensed when the voice come from somewhere closer to him. "I can't sleep. I keep hearing him. I don't want to hear him anymore, Demyx. He just keeps screaming and I can't sleep." There was nothing Demyx could say to comfort the boy, his mind foggy from the beginnings of sleep. "I don't ... want to hear him anymore." The sound came from right behind him and Demyx stiffened, feeling his heart slamming into his chest. "I can't-"

"Ahh! Sora! No!" Demyx cried out when he felt the bed shift next to him, the brunette crawling up next to him, snaking an arm around the elder man. "Ah! Sora, let me go! Let me go! Please! Don't touch me!"

"Make him stop screaming." The haunted words froze the pumping blood in Demyx's veins. His attempt to shake the brunette faltered even as the nightmares flooded his mind.

"P-Please, do-don't put your arm around me. I'm scared. Sora, you're scaring me. I can't make him stop screaming when I'm scared." Demyx felt himself curling into a ball, but forced his breathing back to normal, remembering what the doctor had told him. Just stay calm. The arm was slowly drawn away, but the boy stayed next to him on the bed.

"C-Can I stay here tonight? I ... I don't want to hear him screaming." Some part of the blonde knew that even if he could tell the brunette that he couldn't stay, Sora wouldn't move. Sighing, Demyx moved farther away from the younger boy to give him enough room on the small bed. Images of Axel laying beside him in the hospital flashed through his mind, but he willed them away. If he couldn't accept the horrifying events that Axel had caused he wouldn't put up with the good ones either.

xXx

"You look troubled."

Demyx didn't raise his eyes to meet the elder's. "I'm so ... stupid."

"What makes you think that? I find you to be a rather intelligent boy."

"I don't .. I don't feel like talking about it today. I just .. I just wanna go home. I wanna forget all this ever happened. I just wanna ... go curl up in my own bed ... and I want to sleep. I want Axel to be there and I want him to ... to ..." Demyx couldn't even force the words out as a lump grew in his throat. He found tears leaking out from his eyes, dripping down his cheeks to land on his clenched fingers. He didn't want to cry. Crying meant he was weak. Being weak meant being easily taken advantage of. But for once they weren't tears of fear or anger. They were honest, genuine tears of sadness. "I want things to go back to how they were." His voice was less than a whisper but he didn't care if the doctor heard him or not.

The doctor couldn't do anything to help the crying boy, having to sit by helplessly as Demyx shook with the effort of holding back the tears. "It's okay, Demyx. You don't have to hide anything from me. You're allowed to cry." Demyx leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and covering his face with his shackled hands. His fingertips moved up to pull at his blonde hair. The harder he cried, the harder he pulled until he was nearly doubled over, sobs wracking his body.

xXx

Demyx's face lit up at the sound of the new song starting on the CD the doctor had made for him. A month had passed since Sora was first released and the two were laying on the floor in front of the stereo, listening to songs from their pasts that the doctor had burned onto a CD for them. "C'mon, c'mon, get up! I wanna dance!" Sora looked up as the elder shot to his feet, giving him an odd look.

"But it's a slow song. You can't dance to it."

"It's not that slow! Just, c'mon!" Demyx grabbed Sora's hands, pulling the younger up to his feet. Closing his eyes, Demyx swayed to the beat, humming under his breath, the smile never leaving his lips as he forced Sora to spin circles with him. "Do dodo dodo dodo dodo dodo dodeedo do. Me and Axel ... we danced to this ... this was our favourite song ... it's what ... we had our first dance to. Dearly Beloved." The circles grew larger and more intricate as Demyx spun, overwhelmed by the memories. He began to laugh to hide the tears that were forming in his eyes.

He wasn't sad. He was happy. He'd waited so long to feel this happy, to hear this song again, and now he was spinning with a boy that wanted to use him to get rid of his own nightmares. But Demyx was happy. It wasn't Sora that was holding his hands, following his lead.

It was Axel.

They were back on the dance floor and all eyes were on them. His parents weren't there, but Cloud was looking on happily with his wife nestled in his arms. A few of the friends he still held dear were whooping and hollering, as ecstatic for the couple as Demyx was.

Then it ended and Demyx nearly expected the kiss that always followed the song, but it didn't come. The circles he was spinning in slowed until finally he collapsed, his eyes opening onto the harsh whiteness of the ceiling. But he was still laughing. "Oh, Axel, I wish you coulda been here. It was on. Our song. Dearly Beloved. It played. I haven't ... heard it in so long." Demyx lay with his arms spread wide, the grin on his face even wider, his legs bent at the knee. Blinded and numb by the pure joy he was feeling, Demyx didn't notice Sora as the brunette slid down over his legs, leaning back against them as he sat at the elder's waist, trapping him in with a foot planted firmly on either side of his chest. The pressure on his abdomen was what alerted Demyx to the situation. Panic flooded him when he found the grim-faced brunette staring down at him. "S-Sora, wh-what do you ... think you're doing? Get off me! Get off!" Demyx thrashed, crying out as thoughts of Zexion's defilement washed over him.

"Why do you get to be happy? I don't want you to be happy if I'm not happy. If I'm not happy, you're never going to be allowed to get happy!" Sora ground out the words, leaning forward and pinning Demyx's shoulders to the floor. A scream ripped through the room. Demyx couldn't help it. It was Zexion back, attacking him, about to defile him, about to break his sanity into a million tiny pieces.

It was the fear that allowed Demyx to work his hands up onto Sora's chest. It was the fear that gave him the strength to push up, shoving the younger off of himself. The fear pushed him enough to sit up. Sora toppled back when Demyx gave him another shove. The moment that the weight was off of him, Demyx was scuttling back until his back met the metal of the nearest bed, his knees coming up to his chin as still the horror flashed through him. He curled himself into the tightest ball he could manage, his screams having ended when he had fought back. He could feel himself dipping into a panic attack, but he wouldn't allow it.

Remembering the doctor's advice, Demyx closed his eyes, forcing his breaths to come slower, taking in as much air as he could with one gulp until the edge to the panic started to dwindle. His whole body was shaking, the happiness he had felt seemingly a million miles away now. "Don't ever do that again, Sora. Don't you dare." The blonde shot the younger a venomous glare, not even caring about the tears that freely flowed down Sora's cheeks.

"You shouldn't get to be happy!" Sora shrieked, righting himself. "You shouldn't get to be happy! You're more fucked up than I am! Why do you get to be happy when I'm not?"

"Because I've learned that I've gotta let things go in order to get better! Do you want to get better, Sora? Do you? Then you have to let things go."

"Then you should be able to let me touch you! If you're gonna preach that you gotta let things go, you gotta let them go too!"

Demyx felt like he had just been slapped in the face. A cold chill ran over him even though it was a comfortable temperature in the room. "I'm trying ..." The words were a whisper through the blonde's lips. "I'm trying. I really, really am. But you're not helping. In order to get over it, I gotta get used to it slowly. You can't just ... you can't just sit on me and expect me to take it. It would be like you physically reliving whatever happened to Riku over and over. Not just in your head, but every feeling that happened with it. You ... You have no idea what it's like. You have no idea." The anger lining his voice surprised Demyx. He wasn't mad. He was just scared. He didn't want it to happen ever again. Was that so wrong? Why couldn't Sora understand?

Sora forced himself up, showing the anger that was in Demyx's voice. "Well, you have no idea either. You don't know what it's like to have to kill someone because they were killing your best friend, your only friend, your boyfriend. You don't know what it's like to hear your boyfriend screaming your name, begging to live. You have no idea."

But he did. He knew exactly what it was like to have the person you love saying your name, begging for their life to be spared. What pain Sora didn't know was being the one that held the string to his lover's guillotine.

xXx

There was a soft knock on the door and Demyx stiffened, not used to the disruption while he sat in the doctor's office. Something in him wanted to turn to see who the intruder could be but another part of him knew it was none of his business. "Come in, come in."

The door creaked open but Demyx concentrated on the smiling man in front of him as much as it worried him to leave his back exposed. "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

The voice made the blonde's blood run cold. He knew that voice. He hadn't heard it in ages, but he knew that voice. His eyes slammed shut, willing away the dream - as that was all it could be. "C-Cloud?" Demyx's breath stuck in his throat while the doctor stood, moving around his desk, putting his hand out as he went. Demyx followed with his eyes that had opened to watch the man. His breath stayed in his throat until he took in the elder blonde standing in the doorway. A moment of shocked joy splashed through the patient, quickly being devoured by disbelief and embarrassment. "H-How'd you ... How'd you find me here?" In a psych unit. In a prison. In a doctor's office in a psyche unit in a prison for the criminally insane.

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I didn't know until I came back. I'm sorry." Demyx didn't know what the elder was apologizing for but, following suit, the younger brother stood, but stopped when he noticed the doctor inconspicuously inserting himself between the two. Demyx knew that Cloud wouldn't be able to tell that the doctor was worried but he could.

"It's alright." It was true. The statement was to both the careful doctor and the apologetic brother. Demyx forced his gaze away from his brother, onto the man that stood between them. "I'm not gonna hurt him, even if I wanted to. I couldn't. My hands are useless right now and Cloud's always been stronger than me. He could take me even if I was able to go at him. Not that I'd want to. When have you known me to take the violent way out, huh doc?" The younger blonde offered his hands, palms up in surrender. "I'm a good kid."

The words met a tense moment, the elder blonde looking between the brother he hadn't seen in years and the doctor that separated them. "You don't think ... My bro? Puny Demy? Man, I know I haven't seen him in ages and he was a crazy kid, but you don't really think he'd hurt me, do ya, doc ... I mean sir." Cloud sounded sceptical, moving past the doctor to put an arm around the younger brother. The doctor moved forward, horror lining his features as a warning cry spilled forth. Demyx stiffened at the contact, taking in a sharp breath and bringing his arms closer to himself. "Dem?" Cloud looked down in confusion at the younger boy.

"P-Please ... L-Let me go. L-Let me go." There was a frantic pitch to Demyx's words as he pulled from the elder's grasp. He stood facing Cloud, nearly doubled over and shaking his head back and forth. "D-Don't ... Don't touch me ... unless ... Unless I touch you first. Please ... That's like ... one rule ... One rule I have now." Demyx took in a few shaky breaths, his wrists pressing hard against his knees to keep him on his feet. The shock of seeing his long-lost brother was setting him up for a breakdown as his mind tried to cope with so many obstacles at once.

"Demyx, breathe. Make sure you breathe. Remember what I told you."

"I-I .. I'm trying, god damn it! It's .. It's fuckin' hard! All I see is Zexion! Fuckin' Zexion! Fuck that bastard!" Demyx felt himself slipping, but he wouldn't allow it. He had to breathe. He had to take in as much air as he could. He had to forget. Being normal meant forgetting. But it was so difficult.

"Zexion? Dem, what'd I do? What'd I do wrong? I didn't mean to! Dem!"

"J-Just ... Just shut up for a second! Can't you see I'm not okay right now? Can't you see it's something bad? Ask the doc later! I can't .. I can't tell you ... I .. God ... I ..." Demyx felt like he was going to be sick as his head swam with images and feelings, his feet feeling unstable beneath him. Was this what the doc had called his 'Superego'? He dropped to his knees, laying his forehead against the floor between his elbows, his arms outstretched. "No ... No ... I .. I don't ... I don't want to remember! I don't want to remember anymore!" Demyx dug his nails into the carpet, clawing at it in an attempt to forget.

"What the hell happened to him? What'd I do? Doc, gimme some answers here!" Cloud turned wild eyes on the doctor that was powerless to help his patient.

"What do you care?" The words were a low growl, something far quieter than the screech that had just left the blonde's lips a second earlier. It was so quiet, Cloud had to question if he'd heard anything at all. "What do you care? You ... you shouldn't pretend, you know! You .. You left. You left me all alone! You and Axel ... You were all I had left! And look where that made me end up! Look how that played out! I'm ... I'm in a fuckin' mental hospital! Where were you when I needed you? Where were you when ... when Axel ... You left me alone with that monster! You could have saved me, Cloud! But your wife was more important than me. She was more important, wasn't she? You didn't care about your faggot little brother! You left me!" Tears refused to come to the younger's eyes even though that was all he wanted. He wanted to feel something other than desperation and anger. He couldn't stand feeling his sanity slipping away. He could feel it physically leaving him, making his world topple over. It was like all the blood was rushing from his head, his vision swimming, his body swaying.

"I ... Demyx ... I didn't know ... You .. You sounded so ... So happy when I would call. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Oh, so it's my fault now? It's my fault that Axel beat me? Why does everyone say it's my fault? It's not my god damn fault! It's not! It's not, it's not, it's not! I ... I ... Oh God..." Demyx felt how raw his throat was from screaming the words at his brother. He knew he would regret everything he said. But that didn't mean he could take it back. What was said was said. It could never be taken back. "I'm ... I'm crazy ... I'm ... Don't listen to me, Cloud ... Please, don't listen to me."

Cloud couldn't take it any longer. He couldn't take the pain that filled his brother's voice. He had to find a way to comfort him, to make up for all the times he wasn't there. He fell to his knees beside the younger blonde, putting a hand on his shaking shoulder, removing it as quickly as it made contact, reeling back at the blood chilling scream that erupted from the younger brother.

The doctor rushed forward, snatching a needle from his desk as he went.

"What do you think you're doing, you idiot? Didn't he tell you not to touch him? Obviously you've had no experience around a mentally disturbed person. If you keep that up, Demyx will become a permanent resident here!" The doctor roughly grabbed a hold of the thrashing arms, forcing them down to the younger's sides, injecting the sedative as quickly as he could. The screams started to fade until there was nothing but Demyx's shallow breathing. "Will you do what is requested of you from now on? If not, I shall have to ask you to leave my patient - for his own well-being."

xXx

To Be Continued

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I think that Dearly Beloved would be a wonderful wedding song. :D Also, Cloud's appearance still seems kinda weird and outta place to me, but whatevs, no big deal. :D

~xbuttonsx~