Many thanks go to my beta reader, the incredible Bowen Cates


Letters Never Sent

Chapter 06: Homecoming

On the way to London, April 3rd, 1894

My dear Watson,

At last the day for my return to life has come.

I was already preparing to leave France, when a telegram from Mycroft reached me and the news of the unusual circumstances of the Adair murder hurried my departure.

Finally I have found the means to ensure Colonel Moran's arrest and therefore our safety. It took only one small slip from him and now the trap will shortly be in place.

I cannot begin to describe the feelings of elation and excitement I am experiencing at the moment. At long last, after three years of wandering, I will set foot on London pavement again.

Soon, I shall see you, my dear fellow. I fervently hope and pray you will forgive me this long deception.

The ferry is about to arrive at Dover at any minute now and from there I shall take the Continental Express to Victoria Station. And yet it is not the thought of seeing London again that occupies my mind but the upcoming reunion with you.

Yours faithfully,

Sherlock Holmes

When I looked up from the message heralding my friend's return to London and my life, I found Holmes awake and looking at me with a scrutinizing gaze. Dark shadows were still clinging to the patches of skin below his eyes, but the grey orbs were clear and alert.

"I see that you have at last read them." he stated in a slightly hoarse voice.

Then he fell silent, awaiting my response to his deduction. At first, I did not know what to say. My thoughts were in turmoil after the emotional upheaval I had experienced in the hours previously. Eventually my self-doubts gained the upper hand manifesting themselves in my answer,

"Why could you not tell me...Why could you not trust me? Why are you never able to trust me?" I asked in a hushed voice, not looking at my friend.

"I DO trust you, Watson, but it was impossible; the dangers were too great…the stakes were too high…you have no idea…I could not risk your life…you had a wife to come home to…" Holmes replied quite vehemently.

"You have a strange way of showing that you trust me. You are supposed to be my friend and yet you know nothing of my feelings…I need some time alone."

All of a sudden I felt emotionally and physically drained and I could not stand to be in the same room with Holmes any longer, so I fairly bolted from his bedside, grabbed my coat from the stand and left for my club.

When I returned in the afternoon, I found the house empty. A note pinned to the mantelpiece by Holmes's jack-knife read,

Gone to the Diogenes Club. Will return later tonight.

SH

I lighted a fire and poured myself a glass of brandy, wanting to relax before turning in a bit earlier than usual due to my staying up all of the previous night. As I approached my customary armchair before the hearth, I saw an envelope lying on the seat, simply addressed "Watson".

Curiously I took it up, sat down and opened it. I found a single sheet of paper, covered once more in the familiar handwriting of my friend.

My dearest Watson,

You left only a moment ago, presumably heading to your club and I have taken up my pen to write to you the last instalment in this series of letters which I have started such a long time ago.

I do so that hopefully my writing might better explain the reasons behind my actions when my words of earlier obviously could not.

You must believe me, when I say that I have regretted my decision to let you think me dead every single minute after I heard your frantic cries. I must admit that I find myself in the curious state of mind where I actually wish I could turn back time and act differently. Yet, at the same time I also know that I would have behaved exactly as I did over again for I hold your safety in the highest esteem.

I cannot promise to never delude you again in the future and I think you have known me long enough to accept that. There is no more I can ask of you, but know that I truly would be lost without my Boswell, if you were to decide to not forgive my transgression.

Yours very sincerely,

Sherlock Holmes

I would not get anything closer to an apology from Holmes and I was well aware of it. If I was perfectly honest with myself, I would rather have Holmes as a friend knowing that he would occasionally mislead me, than to have to do without his company altogether.

The time had come for me to take up the pen and put my thoughts into words.

My dear Holmes,

I understand your need for secrecy but I doubt you can scarcely begin to imagine the feelings of shock, sadness and most of all guilt I have experienced in the time following what I have believed to be your death.

But now that you are back in my life, I would indeed be a fool, if I were to abandon you, for I could hardly bear to loose you a second time.

So, I DO forgive you the deception.

However I also want you to know that I still do not and shall never agree with your conviction that you are somehow obligated to protect me. I also think you are aware considering both our tempers that any future behaviour of yours in that mind frame will inevitably lead to quarrels between us.

As long as you can live with that possibility, then so can I.

Yours very sincerely,

John Watson

After addressing the letter, I laid it on the seat of Holmes's armchair, before fairly collapsing back into my own chair. My leg throbbed more insistently because of the strain of the previous day. I fetched a pain reliever from my bag and mixed it into a glass of water. After draining the contents, I leaned back to let it take effect. Soon, the warmth of the fire lulled me into sleep.

When I awoke, I found that I had been covered with a blanket and that the fire had been kindled back to life in the grate. I stretched my aching limbs and heard some pops from my now stiff joints.

A card lying on the table beside my chair caught my attention. On it was written just one word,

Touché

For the first time since Holmes and I had set out together on our latest case, I felt my lips curve into a genuine smile. Perhaps I could now at last lay the ghosts of the past to rest and begin to build a new life with my friend at my side.

The End