Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, I was busy studying D: Anyway I wrote this up through some intense writers block but I'm glad that I managed to write something. I don't want to rush anything between these two, the way I see it, the more painful the wait the better the outcome :D Thank you everyone for your comments it's much appreciated 3
To say Clarke wasn't feeling better would be a lie, ever since things between Lexa and her calmed down she felt slightly better, even though there was still a part of Clarke that felt uneasy around her.
Lexa and Clarke came to a certain understanding; as long as they respected each other they could get along, maybe even be friends again- but Clarke secretly forbade for their possible friendship to ever become more than that.
She may have been feeling better but she was not yet at peace, in fact she was nowhere near that. Her initial plan was to escape the camp and be on her own, completely. She wanted no other human contact because she believed she couldn't handle it, not after she killed all those people. The memory was still deeply affecting her, and she knew to expect nothing else but that, however she wished it could be over.
Forgiving herself would not be easy, just like Lexa said she was not innocent in what she had done- but she did what she had to do to ensure the lives of her people. She had to convince herself that she did what she needed to do.
Blaming Lexa for everything she had to do that night wasn't fair, she was responsible in a way but through the end of it all it was Clarke who made the decision. That was what Clarke had such a time trying to understand, why she did it.
She knew why she had to do it, but not why she did it. Why she was so adamant in proving everyone wrong? Why was she pushed so far to kill them? Why was she was the one who had to make the choice? Why?
She couldn't have her questions answered. Yet again she would have to live with the pain of not knowing and just hoping, hoping for herself.
She heard someone walk in the hut and surprisingly saw Lexa walk in with heavy armour. She was fully armed and had Clarke's gun in her hand. "What the hell?" Clarke whispered, "It's early in the morning, what are you doing here?"
"You were already awake." Lexa said with a seemingly innocent tone, but Clarke knew what she really meant by that. She threw the gun on the floor and jerked her head towards the end of the hut. "Get up, we're going hunting."
Clarke's face expressed one of confusion, "Don't the others hunt for food?"
"Usually, yes but since you're going to be staying with us for now you need to contribute too." She replied, "I'm coming with you because I don't trust you to be alone out there on your own."
Clarke grabbed her gun from the floor and rolled her eyes, "I'm not some broken animal that needs to be taken care of Lexa, you don't need to treat me like one."
"I know that." Lexa said as she followed Clarke out of the hut, "But every time I see you, you have this dark look in your eyes and I know because I was feeling that same pain once. I would tell you what I've told you in the past about your emotions being your weakness but you insist on feeling what you feel."
Clarke bit her tongue and decided not to point out that Lexa too, did feel the pain- that she just acted like she didn't. They walked for around half an hour in silence until they heard a shuffling in the bushes behind them. "If history is repeating itself and it's that huge gorilla that's behind us, I'm running away- just so you're aware."
Lexa's face although serious seemed to be amused, maybe she wasn't such a boring sod after all. Lexa dashed to the side of the bush behind them and shook her head towards Clarke's direction, "Nothing here, not even a deer."
"Last time I saw a deer it had two faces so honestly, I'm not disappointed." Clarke said as she remembered her first day on earth. She would have kept the smile what formed after remembering that day if she had not also remembered who she was with. Finn.
She tried to block out his memory so that she could focus on what she really had to do, but it was proving to be very difficult.
"Are you okay?" Lexa asked her whilst looking at her carefully.
"Yeah." Clarke cleared her throat, "I'm good. How about we track back and follow whatever sound we heard? Something had to be there."
Lexa nodded and walked in the opposite direction, "Does anyone know you're here?" She asked striking up a conversation.
Clarke shook her head, "The only person I told was Bellamy. My mum, my friends and my people have no idea where I am, not even Bellamy really. All he knows is that I can't be around them, but I guess no one really understands why."
"I do." Lexa replied, "It's not easy being around your own people when you're riddled with guilt. What you have to do for you people will change you, Clarke…maybe it already has."
Clarke looked straight forwards as to avoid Lexa's gaze, she followed Lexa and decided to stay silent. Lexa, however didn't commend her silence, "I didn't mean to imply that you're a bad person for doing what you did."
"I know that Lexa, but what I don't understand is why this had to happen to us." She sighed and tried to keep her feelings intact.
"Us?" Lexa replied, "What do you mean?"
"I mean that although we're not children anymore we're still young. People our age would never have to take such decisions, except we both have to." She replied, "Our freedom was stripped away from us, our innocence – everything that made us, us was taken away."
"Our chancellor threw 100 of us on a ship to see if Earth was survivable, we were left to fend for ourselves- all of us who were just about to turn eighteen years old were left to survive in a world we knew nothing of." She felt the anger rise up inside of her, "I had to take responsibility because no one else was going to. When the rest came down to join us, they expected me to suddenly treat them as our leader once again and I just couldn't do that. Not after all that I sacrificed, not after all the pain and now I'm stuck in a situation that has left me weaker than ever, and I can't find it in myself to forgive that."
Lexa stopped walking and turned towards Clarke, "It is unfair Clarke but now that we actually are in this situation we have to do what we can to help our people survive. Nothing is fair in this world, I have lost many – too many and it is why I am the way I am. I cannot be the person I was before, not when we live in such a perilous environment." She exhaled, "But you're different Clarke. I underestimated you the first time I met you because you relied on your feelings so strongly, I thought you were weak but you aren't. You're strong- stronger than anyone I've ever known. You've given up so much and yet you continue to live on. I both envy and admire you for that. I am not like you, I am the weak one here- not you."
Clarke felt the tears in her eyes brim up but before she could even say anything a wild boar jumped out from the bushes in front of her, pinning her down onto the hard ground. She screamed and cried for help as she tried to reach for her gun which was nowhere near her.
She heard Lexa draw her sword and with one swift blow she stabbed the boar in its heart, very luckily missing Clarke. She pulled Clarke up next to her and wiped the blood of her face. Clarke, in alarm hugged Lexa and suddenly came to a realization.
For so long she was hurt by what Lexa had done to her, she tried to hate her for it and failed at it. There was a reason for that; Clarke understood exactly why Lexa did what she did- and it was Clarke who was mad at herself for understanding that. Yes, she was hurt by what Lexa had done, but Clarke knew why she had to do it- she had to do it because she owed her life to her people. Her whole life purpose was to protect her people and failing to do that would mean that she was indeed weak, and she couldn't bear to believe that, so she shut out her heart and let her head do the decision making. Finally, she understood why Lexa was so intent on betraying Clarke. Now Clarke understood everything- she understood why she killed the mountain men. Finally, she understood what was already obvious- she understood why.
"I'm sorry Lexa, I'm sorry that I was so angry with you." Lexa still remained still but Clarke kept on hugging her, "I forgive you. I forgive you, Lexa. I just need to know if I can trust you, you don't have to feel what I feel, regret, guilty, hurt, care any of it– I just need to know I can trust you, because right now I don't know who to trust."
Slowly, she felt Lexa's arms reciprocate the warm hug as if saying, "Yes Clarke, you can trust me. I promise."