Chapter Six

October 1999

It had been a month since Clara's diagnosis and she seemed to be getting progressively worse instead of better. She had tried to draw together with Paul but during their nineteen years of marriage, they had never been close so she supposed it was too much to ask for now. He seemed to be working even longer hours these days and he couldn't talk about what was happening. She clung onto the hope that he wouldn't communicate because he couldn't, because he cared so much that he couldn't bring himself to open up. Brett had been a diamond. He'd actually broken down, surprising everybody when she'd explained the situation to him. He'd held her for hours and between him, Joey, Charlie and Elsie, she didn't have to lift a finger these days. Every morning before work and school, Brett and Joey brought her breakfast and tea between them and ensured she had taken her medication. They even kept their sibling squabbling to a minimum for her sake. If she didn't know how this was going to turn out, that she wasn't going to see her babies, the babies that were fourteen and eighteen years old, grow up into adults with babies of their own one day, she'd be pleased about the way they were pulling together. Nobody talked about the prognosis. They lived in a fantasy world where she would miraculously recover and all would be well but Clara knew it wouldn't happen. Perhaps it would be years but eventually there would come a day when she wouldn't wake up. At least, she hoped that's how it would happen. She hoped it wouldn't be painful.

"Miss Collins? Miss Collins!"

Joey snapped her attention back to the teacher. Mr Bartlett had never been the friendliest of teachers and while most other members of staff had cut her some slack since her mother's diagnosis, this one, who had started teaching at the school the year before, had done no such thing. She apologised and asked him to repeat the question.

"We were doing the equation on the board, Miss Collins," he said.

Joey stared at it.

"How can you add up letters?" she asked dumbly.

"It's algebra, Miss Collins," he said, as if she were an idiot.

She coloured. Everyone in the class tittered around her, except Aden.

"Maybe if you paid attention in class, you'd realise that."

"Maybe if someone you loved was dying, you'd realise that algebra is a pile of crap," she snapped back. "Oh, that's right, the person you love is your wife and she left you!"

She regretted it the moment it came out of her mouth but she knew she couldn't take it back. Mr Bartlett glowered.

"Stand up and go straight to the Principal's office right this minute, Joanna," he said darkly.

She did as she was told.

"My name's Joey," she added, as she walked past.

Paul, Brett and Robbo were at sea, working hard in the blistering heat.

"What are you up to tonight?" Robbo asked.

"Just looking after Mum," Brett replied.

"Dude, you never go out anymore," Robbo complained.

Brett stopped what he was doing and turned to face his friend.

"I've got priorities now."

"Surely you can go out for one beer?"

Brett sighed, torn between wanting his freedom and wanting to be a good son. He told Robbo to wait a minute and headed over to his Dad on the other side of the boat.

"Dad, will you be home tonight?" he asked.

"Probably," Paul replied.

"If I go out with Robbo for a quick beer, will you make sure Mum's okay?"

"Joey will be home."

"Yeah, I know but it's better if two people are around."

"Elsie will probably be round too."

"Dad, don't you think you should be there for Mum?" Brett asked desperately. "You've hardly spoken to her since she was diagnosed."

Paul whirled round, facing his son and looking him directly in the eye.

"Don't you tell me how I should behave with your mother," he warned.

Brett held his hands up and walked back to Robbo.

"One beer," he said.

"Excellent!"

Joey felt small sitting in the oversized chair in front of the Principle's desk. Roz Weston was a medium built, pretty, red headed woman.

"Joey, I know you're going through a lot but you really can't talk to staff the way you did today," Ms Weston said.

She trusted Joey to have told her the truth. Secretly, she thought the girl was pretty witty and she didn't get along with Martin Bartlett at all but she was forced to do her job and reprimand her. Joey nodded.

"I know. I'm sorry. I lost control."

"I'll have to call your parents."

"No!" Joey protested. "I'll take whatever punishment you have to dish out, Ms Weston. I will. I'll do detention, I'll write lines, I'll… I'll clean the toilets! I don't care but if you tell my parents, it'll upset them and my Mum can't take it. It's not about getting in trouble with them; it's about not stressing them out."

Roz sighed and nodded.

"Okay," she relented. "Lunch time detention all week and then we can forget all about it."

"Thank you, Ms Weston. I'm really grateful."

"Back to class."

Joey smiled, thanked her and left.

"I so wish I had been there to hear you say that to Bartlett!" Martha said to Joey.

She slipped her arm through Jack's as they walked home with Charlie, Aden, Leah and Rachel. Joey blushed and looked down.

"It was pretty funny," Aden said.

He slung his arm around Joey's shoulders proudly.

"I really deserved more than a week's lunch time detention," Joey said. "I was really rude to him."

"It was classic!" Aden laughed. "You've totally gone up on the cool scale, Jo!"

"I don't think I was ever on it," Joey said, looking puzzled.

"Oh, you've always been on it," Charlie said affectionately. "You're good looking, you're funny, you've got older friends and now you've just put Bartlett in his place. You've totally got it made."

Joey tried extremely hard not to focus on the fact that Charlie had referred to her as good looking. She smiled at her friend and concentrated on Aden's arm around her. They had been getting closer recently. He had told her that he thought perhaps he was ready to experience more than a platonic relationship one day soon and leave his past behind him, although neither of them were sure what that meant for them as a couple.

"So, Weston's really not going to tell your parents?" Rachel asked.

"She was really good about it," Joey said. "I just don't want Mum to get stressed out."

Rachel nodded.

"It's probably important that she stays calm and relaxed," she said. "That she doesn't put her heart under any more pressure."

"That's what I thought."

Rachel was planning on being a Doctor. She had taken it upon herself to research cardiomyopathy for Joey and had found a tonne of leaflets that she thought would help her and her family. Joey was constantly grateful for the bedside manner she had already developed without any training.

As usual, Elsie had spent most of the day with Clara who behaved like normal. Both women were determined to enjoy each day as it came. There were moments during the day when Clara was obviously poorly but she overcame them and everything became normal again. The most painful moments were really all the things left unspoken between them. Elsie knew there were a lot of things on her mind and she knew a lot of things on Clara's mind too. Finally, she'd had enough.

"Listen," Elsie said, taking Clara by the hand. "We probably need to talk."

"Elsie…" Clara began awkwardly.

"Clara!" Paul called, entering the house.

Both women were surprised that he was home early. Elsie let go of Clara's hand. Paul appeared in the living room.

"We probably need to talk," he said. "Brett's gone for a beer with Robbo and we can send Joey out with Charlie when she gets in. Elsie, do you mind?"

"No, no, of course I don't," Elsie said, flustered.

She jumped to her feet, fumbling to get herself and Ruby together.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Clara said.

Sitting in the moderately busy bar, Brett finally allowed himself to relax with a beer. He knew Robbo could be lewd and crude sometimes but he was a good mate and he had been supportive since he'd told him about his mother being ill. Robbo wasn't the kind of guy you could pour your heart out to, but he was the kind of guy who could off distractions and make you laugh.

"Are things any better at home?" Robbo asked.

Brett shrugged.

"Not really. Nobody talks."

Robbo nodded. He felt bad for his friend. He didn't care about much in the world but he cared about his Mum and his sister and he would hate for anything to happen to either of them. He imagined Brett felt the same.

"So, any girls on the horizon?" he asked, changing the subject.

Brett laughed and sipped his beer. All Robbo ever thought about was girls. He was surprised Tanya had never caught him cheating. He did it often enough.

Charlie and Joey sat in Charlie's bedroom. When Joey had arrived home, her parent's had sent her out, saying they needed to talk. For one heart-stopping moment, she'd thought the school had changed their minds and contacted them about what had happened but she'd shaken the thought away, trusting that Ms Weston wouldn't have done that to her or her mother.

"Come on, Joey," Charlie coaxed, trying to raise a smile from her friend's lips. "Let's do something fun."

"Like what?" Joey asked.

All she could think about these days was her mother.

"You could fail to teach me to play pool again?" Charlie suggested.

Joey toyed with the idea of peering down Charlie's top while she took her shots and pressing herself up against her as she guided her to push to ball into the pocket but even that wasn't enough. She shook her head.

"We could go and see a movie?"

"Maybe," she said, considering it.

Losing herself in the realm of fiction was appealing. She wanted to forget about the world.

"I'll take a maybe!" Charlie said brightly, jumping to her feet, taking Joey's hand and dragging her out of the bedroom.

Downstairs, Elsie sat in front of the television alone. Ruby was in bed and Ross was working late. She wondered what was going on between Paul and Clara across the road. She sighed. This time last year, she had been so happy, although it was never easy to be in love with two people. She had known Clara since she was eleven years old. The girls had clicked and hardly ever spent a day apart since then. Elsie had realised by the time they were eighteen that she was in love with her best friend. But it was too late then. Clara had met Paul and been swept away in a whirlwind romance, falling pregnant with Brett. Back then, once pregnant, the automatic response was to get married. Elsie had been the obvious choice for bridesmaid and Godmother to their first child and then second child and during that time, she'd met Ross and genuinely fallen for him. She'd tried to forget her feelings for Clara and she'd at least managed to put them on the backburner as the two couples settled into a life of marriage and children. Elsie and Ross had been delighted with the birth of Charlie and then two years after that, Joey had been born to Paul and Clara. The cracks in their marriages had long since started to show, however and the more they did, the more the women began to cling to one another. And the more they clung, the more Elsie's feelings began to resurface and the more she realised that they weren't one-sided. Now, nearly thirty years later, they were still dancing round the issue. Now, nearly thirty years later, it felt like they had been wasting their time.

"Mum, Joey and I are going to the movies," Charlie called.

"Okay," Elsie said, barely looking up. "Don't be too late."

"We won't."

Aden sighed heavily as he cleared up his father's vomit. He'd come home from school to find his Dad passed out from yet another drinking binge. He felt angry and disappointed. They had moved here to get away from everything, to start a new life and they were failing miserably. He was tired of always having to be the adult. He wanted to be fourteen, not forty. He wanted to play football and hang out with his mates. He wanted to be able to experiment with girls, preferably Joey, although there were more obstacles to that than just his own issues. He wanted to be normal.

"So, I'm sorry I haven't been very forthcoming," Paul concluded anxiously. "I just… it's not easy for me to get my head around all this."

"I know," Clara said softly.

"But I do want to support you," he said, "get you through this."

She smiled. He didn't seem to understand that she wasn't going to get through this.

"Thank you, Paul."

He nodded and got to his feet.

"Well, I'm glad we talked," he said.

He smiled.

"Maybe I could order us a takeaway tonight?" he suggested. "You know, as we've got the place to ourselves?"

"That would be nice," Clara said, touched by the gesture.

January 2000

Charlie wasn't terribly excited about her seventeenth birthday. With Clara becoming increasingly unwell as each day passed, she didn't really want to celebrate at all but Clara had taken her to one side and begged her at least to do something. She didn't want to be responsible for Charlie missing her own birthday. She'd settled on going for a picnic with Joey in the countryside. Her father had even dropped them off and agreed to pick them up again when they were ready. When they arrived at the large park, Joey set out the blanket and sat down while Charlie began to unpack the sandwiches and snacks they'd brought with them.

"Well, happy birthday, Charlie," Joey said, smiling at her friend.

"Thank you."

"How come you didn't want a big party?"

Charlie shrugged.

"It just didn't seem appropriate."

"Because of Mum?"

"Well…"

"It's okay."

Charlie nodded.

"Anyway, I like just hanging out with you," Charlie added.

"So cute!" Joey teased.

After lunch, Joey delved into her bag, searching for the gift she'd bought Charlie for her birthday.

"Okay, I know this is a bit lame but…"

"Joey, you always say that every time you give me a lovely present," Charlie pointed out.

Joey blushed and handed over the neatly wrapped parcel. Charlie delicately unwrapped it and looked at photo album that Joey had obviously decorated herself. She smiled. Joey moved to sit next to her.

"Open it up," she said.

Charlie obeyed and her smile widened when the first photograph was of her and Joey when Charlie was a toddler and Joey was a tiny baby. She glanced at Joey and then back at the album. She flipped to the next page, revealing a picture of them slightly older. As the album continued, the girls got older. There were photos of them at school and home, on their boat trip and at various birthdays and then the final page was blank. Joey pulled out a Polaroid camera she had 'borrowed' from her Dad.

"This one's for now," she said.

Charlie giggled as the two girls put their heads together to pose. Joey pressed the button and the picture came through. They waited impatiently to see whether it was a good enough photo. It was. Charlie happily pressed it into the final space in the book.

"This was such a lovely gift, Joey," she said, hugging her tightly, careful that their lips didn't complicate matters like they had twice before.

"I'm glad," Joey said. "I was nervous."

"You shouldn't have been. I love it. I'm going to treasure it forever."

Joey beamed and hugged her again.

Elsie knocked and entered Clara's house, freezing momentarily when she saw her friend leaning breathlessly against the counter with her head bowed. She suddenly leapt into action.

"Clara!" she yelped.

"I'm fine," Clara wheezed. "Just… exhausted myself. That's all."

"Sit down," Elsie said, guiding her into a chair.

"I wanted a cup of tea," Clara protested.

"I'll make it," Elsie said gently. "Don't you worry about a thing."

Clara regulated her breathing and waited for her head to stop spinning. She watched Elsie fuss around her.

"Where's Ruby?" she asked.

"Ross has the day off," Elsie explained. "He wants to do some father-daughter bonding. Shame he never bothered to do that with Charlie. Although, to be fair, he did drive her and Joey out today and he is going to pick them up again."

She wondered if she or her daughter would ever stop resenting him for his neglect. Finishing making the drinks, she presented the cups and asked Clara if she wanted to stay in the kitchen or move to the lounge.

"The lounge is more comfortable," Clara decided.

"Wait here," Elsie said.

She disappeared with the mugs, setting them down in the living room and then returned for her friend, guiding her onto the sofa.

"Is there any point asking how you're feeling?" Elsie asked.

"Just wheezy," Clara said dismissively.

Elsie tried not to feel frustrated. Clara always did this. She was almost as bad as both their husbands when it came to talking about the emotional stuff.

"I mean inside."

Clara sighed.

"I'm afraid of dying, if that's what you mean," she said.

Elsie looked down. Maybe she didn't want to talk about this after all.

"I'm afraid of never seeing you again. I'm afraid that this is a punishment for having never truly loved my husband and for only ever having loved you."

Elsie just stared at her. She'd hoped for honesty. She'd expected several things. But she hadn't expected that.

"Clara…"

"Too much? If I can't be honest now, when can I be?"

"I love you too," Elsie admitted. "I've always loved you."

"Where did we go wrong, Elsie?"

"I don't know. But this… what's happening to you, it isn't a punishment. I know it's not."

"But I've been cheating on my husband for eighteen years!"

"We haven't… we haven't done anything," Elsie said. "We never…"

"We have in thought. I have anyway."

"So have I but…"

"And we kissed on the boat."

"One kiss. It's hardly the affair of the Century!"

"Doesn't it mean anything to you?" Clara asked, suddenly feeling wounded.

"What?" Elsie asked. "Of course it does!"

She reached out to hold her.

"Clara, you mean the world to me. You mean everything."

She kissed her. At first Clara pulled away, fearing what may come in whatever afterlife she may meet but the feeling of Elsie's mouth was too gentle and inviting; her arms were too safe. Paul had cheated on her more than once and while she knew that two wrongs didn't make a right, she didn't care. She kissed her back tenderly. Eventually, they ceased.

"I love you," Clara whispered.

"I love you too," Elsie said.

"I wish there could have been another way. But I'm glad we could be honest and I'm glad I can go in peace thinking that I'm not being punished and that maybe one day we'll see each other again."

"We will see each other again," Elsie said. "And it'll be a different world. It'll be a world where we can be together like we always wanted to be."

Clara nodded and snuggled into Elsie's shoulder.

May 2000

Aden and Joey were in Joey's bedroom. Nobody much cared for the open-door rule anymore. Clara was confined to her room now. Joey, Brett, Charlie, Elsie, Paul and a nurse took it in turns to take care of her.

"Joey, I was thinking," Aden said. "This probably isn't the right time but I was wondering… you know what we talked about a while ago…"

"Turning more serious?" Joey said.

"Yeah. Do you want to try?"

Joey shrugged. They were lying on the bed side by side. She studied his face, thinking that she had never seen a boy more handsome than he was. If she was ever going to like a boy, it was going to be him. She leant forward and pressed her lips against his. He put his arm around her, letting his hands tangle in her hair, opening his mouth. They kissed more passionately, letting their bodies draw closer.

Paul sat by Clara's bedside, feeling sick at how weak she was. He had never expected to feel so sad about this. They had never been close. When they'd first met, he'd expected her to be a fling. She was a pretty girl that he'd wanted to sleep with. He knew that if she hadn't got pregnant, they never would have stayed together. He wasn't the marrying kind. And he'd had plenty of affairs. She knew that and he was aware that she hadn't cared enough to mind. Still, he sat by her side and held her hand, waiting for the end to come.

Aden rolled on top of Joey, letting his hands wander but not too far. He fought panic as her hands touched his backside but he was also aware that her whole body was tense. She kissed him passionately enough but it was clear that her heart wasn't in it. He sighed and stopped, propping himself up on his elbows, gazing into her eyes.

"You're not into this, are you?" he asked.

"I'm sorry," she whimpered. "I wish I could be."

"I know," he said, rolling to one side.

He turned his head to face her and reached out to hold her hand. She sighed heavily.

"You're the perfect boy, you know," she said sadly.

"I know," he grinned. "And you're the perfect girl."

"True."

They giggled together and hugged.

"I think we might need to break up," Aden said. "Officially."

"I think we might," Joey agreed. "And then we need to get you a girlfriend."

Aden blanched.

"But what if I can't be with anyone else? I mean, you're my… my safety."

"Aden, you've come so far from everything that happened to you," Joey said sincerely. "You've got so much courage and so much strength. You can do this."

He nodded.

"Maybe we can find you a girlfriend while we're finding me one," he suggested.

"Yeah, right, I don't think so!" Joey protested with a fake laugh.

July 2000

Charlie and Joey were in the Buckton living room playing with Ruby while Elsie headed over to see Clara, who had been living a half-life for two months. Both families had put their own lives on hold to look after her. Charlie hated to see the burden Joey was shouldering. She was so sad all the time, although she tried to hide it. She got up, took care of her mother, went to school, came back to have lunch and take care of her mother, went back to school and then spent her evenings and weekends taking care of her mother. And not once did she complain. It was a group effort of course. Everyone pitched in to do their bit. It was hard on everybody.

"What are you thinking?" Charlie asked, noticing that Joey's mind had wandered.

Joey brought her mind back to the room. She idly began to run her fingers through Ruby's hair. Ruby was nearly seven now. She thought of Joey as her second sister. Looking up at her, Ruby smiled and then scampered away. Moments later, she was back with her hairbrush and sitting in front of her. Joey chuckled and began gently brushing Ruby's hair in much the same way Charlie had done for her when she was a child. Charlie's question hung in the air.

"I was wondering if this is going to be the day," Joey admitted. "The same as I wonder every day."

Charlie nodded, her heart heavy with the same feeling. Every day they wondered.

"Clara, it's me," Elsie said, sitting beside her friend in the dark.

"Would you open the curtains?" Clara asked.

Elsie was surprised. Clara had wanted to only be in the dark for weeks now. It was like she had given up already. She nodded and drew open the curtains, letting in the sun.

"It's a nice day," Clara said.

"It is."

"Is it a Saturday?" she asked.

"Yes. It's a Saturday."

"What's everyone doing today?"

"Well, Paul is out back doing something… boaty. He's using a hammer."

Clara giggled gently, finishing with a cough.

"And Brett's downstairs on the computer. Joey's at my place with Charlie. They're looking after Ruby. Ross is at work."

Clara smiled.

"Everything's normal," she said. "Everything's happy."

Elsie sat back on the chair beside the bed and held Clara's hand, stroking the surface of her skin.

"Everything you'll need when the time comes…"

"Clara…" Elsie protested.

"Everything you'll need is in my drawer," Clara said firmly. "The top one of the bedside table."

"Okay," Elsie said unhappily.

She held onto Clara a little tighter.

"Would you come lie with me?" Clara asked.

Elsie was surprised by the question but agreed. She crept onto the bed beside her lifelong companion, gently wrapping her arms around her, listening to her ragged breathing, in and out, in and out, painfully slowly.

"I truly do love you," Clara said, "with all my broken heart."

"You make my life complete," Elsie whispered, kissing Clara's cheek.

They lay there. Elsie returned to listening to Clara's breath. In and out, in and out. Finally, it stopped.