Chapter 6:
Welcome to Berlin, Vermont.
The next day after making sure all her paperwork was in order and that Cavanaugh didn't have any objection to see her taking a leave of absence for an undermined period of time Maura went home packed just strict minimum and after giving Angela detailed instruction regarding Bass' diet drove to the airport her heart filled up with hope but also with apprehension.
Despite being convinced that this letter was a cry for help Maura was nervous to see Jane again and was hoping she wouldn't violently push her away again.
Sitting comfortably in her business class seat her fingers clenched around the precious letter Maura was trying to draw the strength and courage she needed from it to stand up to Jane and not back away if she decided to push her away again.
Looking through the window Maura knew that this was their last chance, that if she allowed Jane to push her away this time and if they didn't find a way to overcome this that they probably never will and she was determined not to let Jane's fear and stubbornness pull them apart and destroy what took them years to build.
Around four PM Maura finally landing and after taking a deep breath of fresh air decided to start looking for Jane.
"Berlin, Vermont, here I come." Maura said to herself as she sat behind the steering wheel of her rental car.
Taking a minute to collect her thoughts Maura started to go through the guide the car rental agency had given her and had a feeling that finding Jane in such a small town shouldn't be a problem.
Looking at her watch Maura suddenly realized that it would be dark soon and that she better find a place to stay for the night.
Not knowing who to ask for some recommendation on a nice hotel Maura instinctively drove to the local police station and was greeted by officer Lafferty who was more than happy to once again recommend Mrs Ryan bed and breakfast and to draw her a detailed map to the farm.
Driving the few miles leading to the farm her window opened Maura suddenly felt more relaxed and confident and could easily understand why Jane had chosen such a place.
"Vermont is such a beautiful state, the lakes, landscapes, mountains. No wonder Jane has been hiding here. I bet the fresh air and space calms her down and allows her to reflect on her situation without being disturbed by the noise we have in Boston." Maura said to herself as she finally reached Mrs Ryan's farm.
Taking her sun glasses off as she stepped out of her rental car Maura's breath was taken away by the beauty of this place. Far from being disconcerted by her surroundings Maura, who had spent most of childhood vacation in the south of France was delighted to spend some time in the country far from the noise and pollution of the city and from her professional responsibilities.
"Is there anyone home?" Maura shouted as she shyly knocked on the door before stepping into the house amazed that there was still places in this country where people felt safe enough to leave their door opened.
"Yes, please come in oh…you must be Maura, nice to finally met you. I'm Mrs Ryan but please call me Margaret. " Mrs Ryan said coming from the kitchen holding a tray containing two large glass of iced tea and some home made cookies.
"You know who I am?" Maura mumbled narrowing her eyebrows at the older woman.
"Of course I do, Jane told me all about you and Officer Lafferty called me to tell me you were coming. Please follow me in the living room. I made some fresh mango iced tea, the weather is so hot at this time of year and you must be dehydrated after such a long trip." Mrs Ryan replied guiding Maura to the living room. After two weeks of listening to Jane talking about Maura she was finally able to meet her and was delighted that she had traveled all the way to her farm to try to make things right and was convinced that it was probably the proof of love and determination Jane needed.
"Yes thank you." Sitting on the velvet couch in the middle of the living room Maura could barely believe how lucky she was to have found Jane without even trying and couldn't help but thinking that if Jane had talked about her it meant that she was probably thinking about her.
"Here you go darling, so was it the post mark that give you Jane's location?" Looking at Maura, trying not to stare Mrs Ryan realized that Jane hadn't lied about her, that she was exactly the way she had described ; beautiful, smiling and with an obvious taste for fashion.
"Yes. I had the opportunity to come to Vermont when I was younger but I had no idea where Berlin was so I checked on the internet and book a seat on the next flight. When I arrived I rented a car and drove to the police station hoping they would recommend a place to stay for the night. When the officer mentioned that I was the second person from Boston to visit your town over the past two weeks I knew I was at the right place but I didn't know Jane was staying with you." Maura replied taking a sip at her tea trying to sit as straight as possible, eager to make a good impression.
"Yes, Jane arrived two weeks ago and just like you was advised by officer Laffterty to come to my farm. He knows I feel a bit lonely since my children moved out and now live out of state so he always tries to send tourists to the farm." Mrs Ryan replied pointing at the pictures of her children spread all over the wall of the living room.
"You do have a beautiful family. I know that Jane's mother has trouble living without her children under her roof despite the fact that they still live in Boston and see her almost daily so I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be by yourself in such a vast farm." Looking around her Maura immediately felt as comfortable as she felt in Angela's house before she and her husband separated. The walls were full of family pictures and it was obvious that this farm was full of memories.
"It's hard but I have the workers who live with me and from time to time I have tourist like Jane to keep me company."
"May I ask where Jane is at the moment?"
"She's probably having a nap somewhere on the farm. It's almost time to prepare dinner so she should be here soon. Don't worry." Mrs Ryan replied her hand on Maura's knee trying to reassure her. Despite not knowing Maura at all she could see how nervous she was and knew the amount of courage and strength it had taken her to swallow her pride and fly all the way to her little town despite being obviously scared of being pushed away again and she was determined not to let that happen.
"Maybe I should not have come. Though she didn't specifically told me not go after her in her letter she made it clear that she wanted to forget all about me and our relationship." Suddenly realizing how bold coming here was Maura started to have trouble breathing. What if she had made the biggest mistake of her life? What if what Jane truly needed was time and by coming she was actually compromising every chance she had left to see Jane coming back to her?
"I think she's trying to convince herself that she wants to stay away and forget all about you but in reality she's just scared to death. She did send you a letter knowing that you could trace her using the post mark. I think subconsciously she wanted you to find her." Gently rubbing her back Mrs Ryan knew that Maura needed to be strong and confident, that if she showed any sign of doubt Jane would probably see it as a lack of desire and would push her away again. Jane needed Maura to fight for her and to take things into her own hands and Mrs Ryan was determined to help Maura gather her confidence so she could share it Jane later to eventually start working on their relationship.
"Yes. I found it odd that she would send me a letter when she could have send me an email. "
"I know and I'm glad you are here. I only met her two weeks ago be I can tell how hurt she is and I can feel that you're the only one that can help her get trough this. I think this letter was a cry for help." Despite not knowing Jane that well Mrs Ryan could tell how stubborn, pride and reluctant to ask for help but had a feeling that things were different with Maura, that she was the only person she wasn't scared to be herself with.
"So she talks about me?" Maura asked a sudden smile enlightening her face. She knew that if Jane was talking about her it meant that she must have been reflecting on her feelings and their relationship and was glad that she finally decided to stop being in denial about what was happening to her.
"Maura." A deep, familiar voice suddenly spoke from a distance.
"Jane." Immediately feeling shivers down her spine as she heard Jane's very distinct voice Maura quickly turned around and was surprise to find her wearing an old jean, boots and a cow boy hats but most importantly she was smiling and looked healthy.
"You came." Taking off her leather gloves before shoving them in her back pocket Jane was surprised to see her, she had sent the letter only four days ago and didn't expect her to come that quickly.
"Yes, but please don't be mad at me. I'm not here to try to persuade you to come back to Boston. I just want to talk and I promise you that I will leave immediately afterwards if you want me to." Standing up before taking a step towards her friend Maura despite not seeing any anger on Jane's face was still afraid of being rejected once again.
"It's okay, I was expecting you to come. " Looking at Maura straight in the eyes Jane was far form being embarrassed or nervous to see her because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep Maura away from her for ever and had spent the past four days preparing herself for this confrontation.
"Really?"
"I did send you the letter by post. You're the Chief Medical Examiner not to mention you have an IQ of over 150 and being you I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming. Please follow me."
"Alright." Giving a quick look over her shoulder to Mrs Ryan Maura's heart rate starting rising. She had spend the past 24 hours preparing herself to be rejected and had even prepare a speech in case Jane had refused to talk to her and was completely disconcerted by Jane's warm attitude.
Taking a deep breath as she tried to gather her thought Jane started towards her favorite tree, the same tree she was leaning against when she wrote that letter.
"This is my favorite place in the entire farm. I was actually siting right here when I wrote that letter. Please sit down." Jane nervously said offering Maura her best spot under the majestic tree.
"This is really a wonderful place Jane. It's so quiet and peaceful and the air is so pure." Maura replied as she carefully settled on the grass.
"I know right? I never thought I would enjoy a place like that but I do." Jane replied sitting at reasonable distance from her friend.
"What do you do all day?" Looking at the river a few feet away Maura could only imagine how wonderful and simple life must be in such a place.
"I help around the farm with the animals or in the kitchen. You Mrs Ryan is a great cook and she likes when I assist her and when I'm not helping around I just take long walks along the river with Jo Friday or I just lay down in the grass with my iPod. It's a very simple and refreshing way of living."
"I think it's exactly what you needed." Looking at her friend Maura could see how relaxed and happy she seemed and knew that the fresh air and solitude was exactly what she needed.
"I think so too. I just couldn't be in Boston anymore. I mean having to be that strong, courageous, responsible Detective people look up to was just too hard and I couldn't do it anymore. "
"I understand, your family, friends and also the public look up to you. They expect you to protect them, to be a role model that always does the right thing and though it can be gratifying it can sometimes be weight that can be too heavy to cary on one's shoulders."
"Exactly. Look Maura, I'm so sorry for leaving without giving you an explanation and I hope you can forgive for being such a coward and telling you how I felt on a letter." Avoiding eye contact Jane knew that Maura would bring up the subject at some point and for the first time she didn't want to run. She and Maura had a lot to talk about and she felt really to confide in her for the first time.
"Don't apologize. Actually I think letters are such a wonderful way of communication that we should use more often. "
"Yeah I agree but I was still a coward."
"No, you weren't. You weren't ready to confess your feelings and I completely understand." Maura replied reaching for Jane's knee, squeezing in gently.
"It's just that I feel so pressured to be that person people expect me to be that I never have the opportunity to be myself or do things for myself like sit down and reflect on my feelings. Being here, completely free to work on my issues at my own pace without having to worry about work or Ma's constant identity crisis I was finally able to acknowledge my feelings and to find the most appropriate way to express them, you know."
"Were you able to come to term with them?"
"No and I don't think I'll ever be able to which is also why I left, being around you knowing I will never be able to accept or act on those feelings hurts too much Maura. I'm sorry." Jane replied shaking her head, feeling the tears streaming down her face.
"Don't apologize Jane. I understand exactly why you feel you'll never be able to accept those feelings." Maura replied cupping Jane's face to force her to look at her.
"Oh you do now?"
"Yes I do. I understand that you're scared of what people might think and that you believe that being with another woman would weaken your reputation and that you're afraid that your colleagues might start gossiping about you and lose all the respect that took you years to earn. I also believe that that even if you you know how much she loves you you're terrified that your mother might disown you because she raised you catholic and the Bible clearly condemned homosexuality. I also believe that for some reason you're convinced that you're not good enough for me." Gently stroking Jane's face with her thumb Maura was determined to show her that she understood her fears and that they weren't impossible to overcome.
"Congratulation Dr Phil you know me better than I thought." Jane smiled as she felt a couple of tears reaching her lips.
"I'm sorry Jane, I didn't mean to assume anything."
"No, you're analysis was spot on. Now you understand why I had to leave town and why I will never be able to accept myself."
"I think you're easy to put yourself down Jane. You're the strongest person I know and I believe you can achieve anything if you truly put your mind to it."
"What if I don't want to or what if I'm not strong enough?"
"Well that's what I'm here for, to give you the strength to face and accept your feelings. As for the desire to do so I think it's buried deep down under all the fear and that you wouldn't have sent me that letter if you really wanted to erase me or those feelings from your life." As determined as she was to take things down and to allow Jane to take her time Maura was also convinced that Jane needed her to stand up to her and not to let her push her away and that more than anything she needed her to be confident for the both of them.
"I don't know, Maura."
"But I do but as I said I'm not here to coerce you to do anything you don't want or don't feel really to do. I only came here to tell you that I was here if you needed me but I will take the first flight back to Boston is that's what you need and want me to do." After telling her what she came here to say Maura was now giving Jane the choice to either ask her to leave or to stay so they could work on Jane's issues. She knew that she could not force her to have the desire to do something about her current situation and that the decision had to come from her.
"I know. You've never been intrusive. Actually you're the only person who always respected my personal space and desire for privacy maybe that's why I always confided in you, because I never felt pressured to."
"I know Jane and I intend to continue to be respectful of your wishes and your personal space."
"I don't know if I want you to stay Maura. God I can barely look at you knowing that you know how I feel." Covering her face with her hands Jane was suddenly embarrassed and despite not feeling that Maura was looking at her differently now that she knew how she felt could not bring herself to look at her.
"You have nothing to be embarrassed about Jane."
"That's easy for you to say. I spilled my heart to you in that letter, I feel completely naked and vulnerable now."
" Would it help it I told you how I feel?"
"You don't have to do that."
"No it's quite alright Jane. I also used the past two weeks to reflect on our relationship and on my feelings and I feel confident confessing them to you."
"I'm listening." Suddenly Jane realized how selfish she had been thinking she was the only one who was hurt and needed to reflect on her feelings and that Maura must have spend hours just like her thinking about her analyzing and re evaluating their relationship.
"It took me a while to realize and to face it but I love you Jane, I always have and always will. I think I loved you from the moment I laid my eyes on you at that crime scene. I looked at you and immediately felt attracted by that confidence and intelligence you were displaying and when I got to know you better I discovered someone who's not only brave and extremely devoted to her job but also someone who's kind and caring and who could literally go to hell and back for someone she cares about. I think I never felt safer or more cared for and about in my life and I owe it to you Jane. It's you Jane, it's always been you." Biting her bottom as she finally allowed herself to confess her feelings to Jane Maura wanted to kiss her but knew it was too soon, that Jane despite sharing her feelings was far from being to act on them.
"Wow, now you're freaking me out."
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to. I just thought knowing how I felt would make things easier for you."
"No it's alright. Thank you for being honest. Look Maura, I know you probably expected this to change everything but it doesn't. Knowing you share my feelings doesn't make me feel more comfortable. I don't want to mislead into thinking that if you stay I'll accept and act on my feelings because I seriously doubt I 'll ever be able to." Knowing that Maura felt the same way comforted her somehow but also scared her to death and put even more pressure on her.
"It's alright Jane. I understand that you're not ready and I'm not expecting anything from you. I just miss my best friend and I thought we could just spend a few days together. I could really use the fresh air too." Despite dying to finally act on her feelings Maura knew that for now all she could ask for was Jane's friendship and that she would have to be content with what ever Jane would give her.
"Well as long as you don't expect anything from me…"
"I don't, don't worry about it. I just want to spend time with you."
"Alright."
That day the two women spent another hour laying on the grass talking about everything and nothing in particular. Unable to look at Maura in the eyes but also to ask her to go away Jane knew that Maura would not force her to do anything she was ready for, that she genuinely missed spending time with her. Obviously she knew that ultimately Maura would want them to start working on accepting her feelings but for now she felt confident that Maura wouldn't push her. They were friends again and all she wanted and was ready to do was just show Maura around and share her new favorites activities with her hoping that spending time together far from Boston would bring them closer and would give her the strength she needed to face her deepest fears.
Hey guys!
I realize this chapter was a bit boring and that the writing was a bit mechanical but for some reason I didn't manage to do better. :(
I hope you still enjoyed it and that you're excited about Maura being with Jane again and to see how things are gonna unfold in the next few chapters.
At first I wrote this chapter with a lot of angst with Jane pushing her away again and asking her to leave but then I realized that she expected her to come and that it didn't make any sense for her to push her away again.
I'm not promising Jane is gonna make big progress anytime soon but at least she had the courage to ask Maura to stay. That's a start right?