Bilbo was feeling stressed as he waited uncertainly for Dain to return with tea. He was second guessing himself, thinking now that maybe he should have tried harder to insist with Dain that he didn't need companionship, why oh why had that damn dwarf mentioned tea? One of Bilbo's weaknesses, the warm, comforting liquid, with it's different confections to make it sweeter. How the hobbit enjoyed honey and a dab of milk in his cup of tea! If Dain was bound and determined to talk and sip tea together, the dwarf better be bringing extra fixings for the beverages...
He had made sure to put on his undergarment, and slipped into a plain, cream colored dress to deceive the dwarf when he came. As mad as he felt towards Thorin, Bilbo didn't intend to ruin the lie by coming out to Dain that he was in fact a male. Bilbo didn't want Thorin in that kinda trouble, along with the hobbits other feelings of possessiveness towards the king. It didn't sit right with Bilbo, imaging Thorin with anyone else, selfish as it may be, it was the truth of the matter.
Sitting cross legged on the bed's edge, the hobbit waited impatiently for the visiting dwarfs return, silently wondering how Thorin was managing that night. The revenge minded king had better not mess with his personal items, or there'd be Hell to pay if he did!
Before he could start worrying much about it, the hobbit heard a knock at his door.
"I've returned." Dain called, letting Bilbo know it wasn't Thorin knocking.
Standing from the bed, little Bilbo swiftly went to the door, unlocked it and opened up the room for Dain to enter.
"Here we are, some nice hot tea." Dain entered, setting down the tray with kettle and cups upon a small table. He'd also had taken the time to carry up with him milk, sugar, and honey. Quickly the dwarf started pouring tea, taking out a small bottle and slipping in a cup some strong brandy. The act unnoticed by the hobbit as Bilbo fiddled with his wrinkling dress.
Dain moved two chairs next to the table and helped seat the hobbit lass, watching excitedly as she added milk and honey before sipping the tampered with cup.
"Do you two argue often?" Dain began the conversation, noticing the question made the other blush and cough as if she'd choked a bit on her tea.
"Whatever gave you that idea?" Bilbo asked sarcastically, sipping his tea and trying hard to watch his tongue. It was hard not mouthing off about Thorin when he felt miffed.
"Couples have their ups and downs. What kind of arguments have you had in the past?" Dain asked casually.
Bilbo cleared his throat as he tried to think of how to answer nicely.
"Silly arguments over who's right and who's wrong. Thorin has the need to be right quite often." The hobbit finally spoke, taking the kettle and pouring in more tea.
"Right about what?" Dain persisted, wanting to keep the conversation going till the strong brandy effected the hobbit.
"Everything! From how to cast a fishing pole to what's important in the bedroom! He can be so damn pushy!" Bilbo let loose his pent up anger, blushing afterwords and lightly apologizing.
"It's alright, my dear. I know my cousin well, and he is a very hard dwarf to get along with. That's why I was so impressed with the lady he found, I thought to myself, 'she must put up with a lot of Hell from that dwarf'." At this, Bilbo chuckled, agreeing with the statement by nodding his head.
"I think he's lucky to have such a young and lovely wife." He complimented Bilbo, taking a bold hand and reaching out to pat the hobbits thigh.
When the dwarfs hand stayed there, Bilbo made a polite, coughing noise.
"You know, my dear, if you really wanted to get back at that dwarf, I've a few ideas in mind." He spoke huskily, slipping that snaking hand underneath the dress and feeling Bilbo's skin of his bare leg.
"I'd never dream of making him that mad." Bilbo tried to move the others hand, the displeased dwarf reluctantly removing it.
"He doesn't have to know, per say. Just the act of doing it would make you know that he's getting pay back." He tried persuading her.
"I think you should leave, Dain." Bilbo attempted to stand, but the dwarf reached out with strong hands and kept the "lass" from rising.
"I care not if you wish for me to leave, little hobbit. The fact remains that Thorin is not here, and you are by no means able to stop me if I choose to have my way. Tell me, will you allow me to touch your young body willingly, or do I have to hold you down?" He calmly asked, his hands steady as he watched the lass try struggling.
"I swear, if you try anything funny..."
"And what if I tell Thorin you came to me? Who do you think he'll believe, little one?" He inquired coyly, the lass shaking her head and rolling her eyes at the dwarf, causing him to raise a brow.
"My Thorin knows better. I suggest you let go now, and maybe I won't bother him with the fact that you tried bedding me. What do you say?"
"By my mother's beard, why isn't the brandy working?! You should be tipsy by now at least!" Dain tisked, annoyed with the hobbits straight minded thinking. The alcohol should have kicked in by now!
"Brandy? You little, cheeky bastard! You were trying to weaken my resolve with that? That's it, I'm telling Thorin!" Bilbo wriggled and struggled, the dwarf holding on tightly. With a quick kick, the hobbit slammed his feet into the dwarfs seated privates, making the dwarf yell and clutch at his groin. It gave Bilbo enough time to move towards the door and start running down the hall.
"Hobbit!" He heard the dwarf bellow, feet pounding after Bilbo hurriedly as the cross dresser continued to make his way towards his old room.
-0-0-
"And that's the last book." Thorin smirked as he finished ruining the hobbits book collection, shaking off the last bit of stickiness. That was when the door burst open, surprising the naughty dwarf as Bilbo Baggins ran right for him.
"Thorin, help!" Bilbo cried, not noticing the naked dwarfs act and merely hiding behind Thorin defensively.
"Hobbit, what's gotten into you?" Thorin asked, surprised at the others actions.
"Dain, he's trying to seduce me!" Bilbo briefly explained, the words immediately making Thorin's blood boil.
"Did he touch you, Bilbo?" The king demanded, turning around and looking over his hobbit with concern.
"Yes, but not like you think. He held me down and started going on how you'd believe him instead of me after he bedded me, and...Thorin, why are you naked?" The hobbit eyed the other, just now realizing his companion was still nude.
"Never mind that, did Dain touch you enough that he figured out..."
"No, he didn't. He was right behind me, I don't understand why he hasn't reached the room yet." Bilbo spoke his concern, Thorin making the hobbit stay still as he peeked out the door and into the empty hall.
"He's not there. Maybe he knew you'd make it here and decided to flee to his room." Thorin let out a frustrated sigh as he ran through this messy situation, "Bilbo, I know what he did was wrong, but I can't risk war against him. We're going to have to act very carefully over this, we can't afford to cause a scene with him. As much as I care for you and would see his head rolled, for now we have to act normal."
Thorin walked over and stroked Bilbo's cheek affectionately as he stared into his hobbits eyes with weariness, "As far as he knows, I might not have believed you, so let's use that against him. Make him think I don't believe you. From now on, Bilbo, I'm going to make sure he really can't get you alone. Even if we fight, you're stuck with me, little hobbit. Unless you want that bastard to bed you?" He sarcastically asked, Bilbo rolling his eyes at the idea.
"Thorin, why are my books out, have you been reading?" Bilbo had noticed the items taken from their shelves and opened up.
"Bilbo, don't touch that!" Too late, Bilbo reached his hand and felt his book sticky and wet.
-0-0-
After a very long night, filled with mostly the dwarf and hobbit arguing, the king beneath the mountain arose with a plan to sneakily find out information on his cousin. That dwarf maiden came all this way to be Thorins bride in case he was unmarried, meaning that possibly the Ironfoot dwarf had been planing all this marriage nonsense for some time. Maybe the lady knew of Dain's real reasons for pushing Thorin into marriage, either way, the king was going to find out.
Not wanting to involve himself directly with the lady dwarf, Thorin decided to send out a loyal dwarf he knew could woo a girl into speaking of private matters. Bofur had had a way with the ladies back in the day, his easy and fun loving attitude making the females amused and entertained. That, along with his music mastery, the dwarf was quite a charmer for almost any race of female.
After awaking, and making sure his nephews were going to guard Bilbo well, the king set out to find Bofur and have a private chat.
He found the dwarf eating breakfast, the cheery fellow greeting Thorin warmly as the king neared.
"Bofur, follow me, we need to talk." He calmly asked, looking around for any sign of his deceiving cousin.
"Alright, Thorin! Lead the way." The friendly fellow sat up and started following his king towards the stables, no one was currently inside the horsey area as Thorin pulled the dwarf inside Minty's stall to privately start his conversation.
"Bofur, there is treachery afoot with my visiting kin."
"By my beard, is that right?!" The other stared with a gaping mouth at the shocking statement.
"What I'm about to say, stays between you, me, and Minty." The mare, hearing her name gave a small snort as she nudged Thorins pocket for a treat.
"There you go." The king passed the kind animal a small lump of sugar before continuing his conversation with Bofur.
"Last evening, after the hobbit and I had a small bout, my cousin entered Bilbo's chambers and tried making an advance on our mutual friend. He barely got away and found me in his old room to find comfort and defense from the ballsy dwarf!" He ran through last nights events, leaving out a few embarrassing moments.
"Didn't you confront Dain?" Bofur curiously asked, wondering how in the world he fit into all this.
"That's just it, he never pursued Bilbo. I think he assumes I'll not believe the hobbit, and is trying to play the part of the victim. I believe we should attempt to get as much information as we can out of the lady dwarf he brought with him. Perhaps a skilled conversation maker like yourself could loosen any secrets she might know of cousin Dain's true reason for being here. I'm starting to not believe the whole 'heir' business he keeps flapping on about." Thorin spoke his concern to the other, Bofur feeling a light blush and smile on his face at the thought of wooing a female of his own race. It had been a long time since he'd last attempted conversation with a dwarf lass, it excited him to know that he was about to accept a mission of this nature.
"I'll go into Dale and find her, and work my way into asking about Dain's true intentions. You can count on me, Thorin!" The eager dwarf winked and saluted the leader, about to take off for his new adventure.
"Remember, no one must know what we're up to. Discreetness is extremely important, Bofur." Thorin reminded the other, getting an affirmative nod before letting the dwarf underling set off.
"Lets hope he gets us some answers, Minty. I don't like knowing only half of a story." He commented to his gentle pony, petting her smooth neck before exiting the stall, headed back towards the mountain and his untrustworthy guest...
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The Hobbit belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien
A/N: I'll explain in the next chapter why Dain's brandy didn't work on the hobbit. Lots of funny situations headed our way! Thanks for reading and reviewing!