Running Through Red Lights
Disclaimer: Don't own anything…Lyrics by Dido.
Rating: M
Spoiler: Red Badge, Black Gold and Red Blood (this is a future episode and there's a brief description on about what happens. I have borrowed a scenario from the description, but it's my own interpretation so I doubt it'll be ruining anything for you guys.)
A/N: Uh, its midterm time and writing is the perfect relaxer for me. However, I've got some huge deadlines to meet so next update might be in about a week. Therefore, Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you very much for all your reviews, especially I'd like to thank those of you whom I can't private message. Thanks you guys!! Your reviews are appreciated.
XXX
Part VI: Broken
"Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide…"
XXX
She walks into the apartment and slams the door, doesn't bother to hang up her jacket, just dumps her things onto the couch before stomping into the kitchen, heels clicking on the linoleum in search of something that will take the edge off.
She's not much of a drinker, considering her first hand experience of alcohol's ramifications, but days like these are an exception.
She's just about to pop the top open from a bottle of red, when she has a flashback of Jane sitting on her couch, hand cupped around a wine glass, so she shoves the bottle to the back and opens her freezer.
Vodka it is.
It's only when she is nursing the low ball glass in her hand, taking occasional sips that her nerves settle enough for reality to sink in.
She will not cry.
She will not cry.
She will not drop a single tear over that egotistical, self-serving, vengeful jerk.
She always thought the only thing that could ever tear apart their relationship, both working and personal, was Red John, but not in this way, not now.
She just can't believe he would betray her trust like that…again.
After so long working together and this new thing between them, she just thought…
"Damn it,"
The glass slams on the counter as an unpleasant shiver runs down her spine.
On her way home, she oscillated between the possibility that she was overreacting and that she was completely justified in her actions. However, now as she stands in her cold apartment, facing down a near empty glass of vodka, Lisbon realizes something that makes her cold from the inside.
She is stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid
For ever believing that this thing between them, whatever it is, would ever in any shape or form be enough to lessen his pursuit for retribution.
It's not.
She's not enough and maybe she thought before that if something ever happened between them, things would change, he would change.
Alas, she broke her own rules.
"Never try to change a man, Teresa."
Her mother used to say and god bless her was she right.
After a while, Lisbon feels the effects of the alcohol and before berating herself further for getting involved with a colleague, especially one with as many issues as her consultant, the brunette decides she needs a hot, relaxing bath.
She sets the low ball in the sink, and promises herself no more alcohol for the evening.
She's half way through unbuttoning her blouse when she hears a knock on the door.
It's so quiet, she can easily ignore it, but something in her heart tells her to answer the door.
She knows who it is and there's but a brief moment of hesitation, because as she's realized from today's events, she's definitely a glutton for punishment.
XXX
That morning…
"Jane…Patrick, stop that." She whispers, pressing her hands lightly against his chest, but her words fall on death ears.
The man in question is too busy drawing patterns of kisses on her neck, his hands pressing her hips against the side of his car, not at all concerned with the disapproving looks from people passing by.
"C'mon, we're in the middle of the street across from the court house, anyone can see us." She tries again, her voice slightly edgier now, because it's becoming increasingly difficult to fend of his advances and not lose herself in the light sweeps of his tongue against her skin.
"Oh please, live a little, Teresa." Jane murmurs against her skin, slightly inebriated by the alluring mix of her perfume and natural scent.
God, this woman is driving him crazy.
He relents only slightly, pulls back to look at his watch,
"Besides, it's way too early for all the bureaucrats to come out of hiding, give them thirty more minutes." The blonde consultant smirks but Lisbon just rolls her eyes.
"Uh, Patrick Jane, the nonconformist…"
Jane still holds her close, but she takes advantage of the space to take a sip of her latte.
They've been "dating" for a little over a month now, nothing really serious, just a few dinners here and there usually at her place; sometimes they'll drive out to their spot, talk for a while.
Mostly though, it's work.
It's her personal theory that criminals get more lonely and bitter closer to the holiday season, which is probably why she's spending most of November working 18 hour days.
Yet, she's not bitter about it, because most of her work time is spent chasing leads with her partner in crime, or so the blonde consultant has come to be.
She doesn't want to admit it, but somewhere in the depths of her mind she feels like they've grown stronger, that their personal relationship has only strengthened their professional one.
And it doesn't hurt that the man seems to know her triggers better than she does.
Sometimes a suggestive smile is all it takes to make her think impure thoughts and even though Jane usually knows when that crosses her mind, she's never embarrassed, because she's comfortable around him.
Sometimes, she gets an irrational fear that this is just the calm before the storm, but it's quickly wiped away by Jane's presence.
She knows, can see it in his eyes that the future scares him, but unsurprisingly he wants to relish the moment, just like he is now, smiling down at her as she sips the coffee he bought her before he picked her up this morning.
Another thing she loves about him is how subtle he is in his pampering.
He doesn't do extravagance, probably because he has a fear of gluttony, associated with his reckless past, but she's not the wine and dine type of girl, so it suits them.
It's weird.
She's never met a man who aggravates and pisses her off as much as Patrick Jane, but she's also never dated someone who compliments her so well.
And she kind of likes it.
Except when she's late,
"Damn, I gotta go."
She says, her tone more regretful than she would like.
It spurns Jane on, because he just pulls her closer and sighs against her hair.
Some times he can be such a child.
"I don't like when you're out of the office, it's boring," he whines a little and Lisbon rolls her eyes again, a fond smile playing on her lips.
"I'll be back later on, are you going to be good?" She asks teasingly, but catches her breath when his cerulean eyes grow dark, shamelessly giving her a look of pure male appreciation.
"Depends, what am I going to get as a reward?"
A distinct blush rises from her neck to her cheeks and Jane just chuckles; he loves to rile her up, especially because it distracts him from other things.
Like the fact that on court dates, Lisbon deviates from her usual work attire and slips into tight pencil skirts and soft white blouses, which will likely have him following her like a hormone crazed teenager all day at the office, rendering him completely useless.
Maybe, it's a good thing that she's off to testify, he can actually help out the rest of the team on this case they have going.
A man passes by them, giving Lisbon a very brief onceover and Jane feels a familiar twinge of possessiveness, so he pulls her in for a good bye kiss.
Lisbon falls into the embrace, letting her worry over everything else dissolve for a few short, mind numbing moments.
He tastes like mint and tea, smells like familiar cologne she can never identify, and the soft material of his suit all seem to paralyze her in place.
It's probably not very normal that he has her knees buckling at 8:30 on a Thursday morning, but for the duration of the kiss, she doesn't care.
It's only when she pushes him away that she's back to her usual, professional persona, a small smile on her lips as she straightens out her clothes, before grabbing her purse and blazer from the car.
"Try to stay out of trouble for one day, alright?"
She appears outwardly concerned, but there's a glint of mischief and mirth in her green eyes and Jane runs his hand affectionately down her cheek, "What's my incentive?"
Lisbon throws her head back and laughs, then wordlessly steps away and crosses the street to the court house.
She turns around one more time and winks at him.
As the early morning sun light bounces off her hair, making her look more vibrant than he's ever seen, the blonde consultant realizes she's all the incentive he needs.
XXX
She's pissed.
He doesn't need psychic abilities to figure it out.
Even the hillbilly cop that arrested him is avoiding eavesdropping on them, because he can see the fire blazing in her eye and the determined click of her heels.
He wants to tell her she's incredibly sexy, because she is, especially after being so flustered from anger, but for fear of being dismembered or shot from behind bars, Jane wisely keeps his mouth shut.
"Arrested?" Lisbon says through clenched teeth, stopping in front of his cell, her arms crossed over her chest,
"How is it possible that I leave you for one day, not even a whole one, and you manage to piss off someone enough to get arrested? I swear I need to get a goddamn leash for you."
Her words fall on deaf ears, as Jane continues to lie on the metal bench, using his expensive jacket as a pillow.
It unnerves her how calm he looks, hands resting on his stomach as he looks at the ceiling, as if he's back in the bullpen on his couch instead of a holding cell.
At least he got his own cell.
She can't even imagine the damage he would cause psychoanalyzing a bunch of criminals awaiting bail.
He seems so unperturbed it makes her more upset than angry.
She absolutely despises moments when she feels like she can't reach him.
It's no surprise that it's usually something that has to do with Red John.
Her resolve weakens slightly and she looks at him for a moment,
"Seriously Patrick, what were you thinking? You are off the case, we are off the case, you can't just do what you did."
"Yes I can." He counters, eyes still trained on the ceiling, because he knows if he looks at her, his façade will crack and he'll end up more broken and vulnerable than to begin with.
She shouldn't forget that he made his family a promise, which he intends to keep by whatever means possible.
Even if that means spying on Bosco and his team while they do a shit job of following leads.
"Why? Why can you? Why do you think you're such a goddamn exception?" Her voice is rising, but he still doesn't dare look at her.
He can sense the tension in her every move and look even from this far away, can feel the reverberation of her angry words bouncing off the walls of the cell.
Still he doesn't move, doesn't say a single word.
It seems futile to argue his point by now.
He knows if he looks at her, sees how much distress he's caused her, he might actually feel sorry for what he did, which is something he cannot face, because it would mean he feels guilt for doing something he's always planned to and that can't happen.
It can't be.
He has only one goal and it has to be catching Red John.
She should know.
She must know that he cares for her, but that this has to come first, and he might not like it, but he cannot deviate off course.
He can't.
"You not only made a fool of yourself, Jane."
She sounds different now, less hurt in her voice, more of that hardened tone she uses with suspects,
"You also made a joke out of my team and me. You embarrassed me in front of Bosco and his unit, so thank you for showing me where your loyalties lie."
There's silence and he thinks she might leave, but when he lets himself take a look in her direction, she's still there, jade gaze trained on him, trying to conceal hurt.
"You're a good agent, Teresa. My actions do not reflect on you, but if they did, I don't really understand why Bosco's opinion of you would matter. Unless of course, there's some of that residual unrequited love left over from your days as his apprentice."
Each word feels like a stab to the chest.
She can pretty much tell he knows he's deliberately saying untrue things to hurt her, to make her go away, and as much as she doesn't want to give in to his demands, he's making it abundantly clear that he will handle all this himself.
Despite her desire to tell him he's being an idiot, everything about his false tranquility frustrates to the point that she no longer wants to fight him.
If he wants to rot in this cell until Bosco sees it fit to release him, then he can.
"Bosco's opinion is not what matters to me and you know it." She replies curtly, a last stitch effort to break through.
"Maybe, maybe not." Jane counters, suddenly sitting up and stretching slightly.
His flippant attitude makes Lisbon want to smack him, or in the very least wipe that smirk off his face.
"But, you can't say I didn't warn you."
"Warn me about what? That while I was testifying in court, you would grab the first opportunity you could to break into Bosco's office and try to make copies of the files he has on Red John, is that what you warned me about?"
"No, but this is a mere stepping stone for me. You know, you've always known that I'm going to stop at nothing to find him. Red John is mine."
Usually, his eyes invoke a sense of comfort, but now the icy blue stare just sends unpleasant goose bumps down her bare arms.
A small, regretful smile stretches her dry lips,
"Well, then I definitely won't stand in your way, but you should get comfortable where you are, because if you are successful, I will arrest you for murder. I won't hesitate."
Her eyes are ablaze; her voice is bitter and detached. She puts on such a convincing act, Jane almost believes her.
Actually, he does believe her.
He knows that while it might destroy her, she will arrest him if he gets what he wants.
He sighs, pressing his knuckles against the bench he's sitting on.
"Rules are rules, Lisbon. You live by them and I break them."
"Yeah, almost as good as you break trust."
And with one linger look, she's gone.
A few minutes of silence go by and then he's lying on his back again, staring at the ceiling.
It's going to be a long night.
XXX
Her nerves are still on edge and her hands are a bit unsteady when she walks into CBI headquarters.
She knows she should go home, getting any work done would be futile, but she has one stop to make.
She charges past her team, all three of whom including Cho, watch her with wide eyes as she glides past them, knowing which door she's about to knock on and expecting the mother of all confrontations.
The older detective opens the door himself, as if he's been expecting her,
"Lisbon."
"Bosco, a few words?"
He steps aside so she can walk in then closes the door.
The bald man opens his mouth, ready to defend his actions, but she just waves him off,
"You did the right thing, Sam."
He raises his eyebrows instinctively, but then softens, obviously not expecting her to concede so quickly.
It annoys her; because the man who taught her basically everything she knows about good honest police work should have more faith in her rationality.
Instead of being angrier at Jane for making her look bad, she hates that Bosco still can't look at her like an equal.
"I'd just come back from interviewing a potential witness, and found Jane in my office, all my files on Red John neatly stacked on the desk. I had to do something."
It's amusing to see someone of Bosco's stature and intellect resolve to excuses to defend his actions.
"Yeah, you could have called me though."
"Why?"
"Because, Sam. Jane is a member of my team; I should have found out you arrested him from you, not Van Pelt. I think you owe me that much respect."
She crosses her arms and leans against his desk.
"This is not about respect, Teresa. When are you going to realize that Jane is not a part of your team? At least he doesn't think so. What kind of respect is he showing you if the first chance he gets, he satisfies his self-interest. He wasn't thinking about you when he was here, why are you thinking about him now?"
She isn't sure what hurts more.
The fact that what he's saying makes perfect sense or that even Bosco can tell what's going on.
"Don't make this personal, Sam." The brunette agent speaks defensively, but the older man just sighs, as if he's as tired as she is.
Impossible.
"Don't make this personal? My god, Teresa you make this personal every time you bail that fraud out of trouble. Can't you see that he cares nothing for protocol or rules? Can't you?"
She knows what Bosco's really saying is "can't you see that he doesn't care about you?"
But she's had enough.
"I've heard it all before, Sam. Trust me. This isn't about Jane though. This is about the lack of respect I got from you, what does that say about you as a professional?"
"Don't bring my badge into this, if you want to discuss secrecy, tell me why I should have notified you when you didn't even bother letting me in on your plan to out your psychiatrist."
Her mouth drops, she almost wants to laugh.
It's ridiculous really, the sheer amount of male egos she's surrounded by.
"So is this some sort of payback?" She narrows her eyes at him suspiciously, but Bosco remains cool as a cucumber, probably from years of stone-faced interrogations.
"No, and I don't like that you think of me as that petulant."
"Oh please, you can't deny it gave you overwhelming joy to cuff Jane and here you are riding your high horse, when really this is just a battle driven by ego and testosterone. You could have handled it differently. You could have called me, could have notified Minelli, but you didn't, so please don't tell me Jane is the only one on a personal witch hunt alright?"
Seeing the shocked look on her former mentor's face, she feels her heart beat faster then ever before.
Over the years, Bosco and she have had a turbulent relationship, but an all out confrontation, laced with so many unsaid things is a first for them.
As he stands with his mouth opening and closing, searching for a response, Lisbon feels the weight of everything that's happen begin to sink in and she knows if she doesn't get out of there, she might actually break down.
"I have to go." She says in a small voice, so different from the preaching declaration from moments before.
"Teresa, I-" Bosco reaches out to place his hand on her shoulder, but Lisbon shakes it off.
"Save it, I'll see you tomorrow."
Then she leaves his office, walks right passed the bullpen, not even noticing her team's poor attempts at pretending not to eavesdrop as she pushes back all thoughts of Jane all alone in a prison cell.
XXX
"Did you escape?" She asks as soon as she flings open the door.
Jane can tell by the expression on her face that if he doesn't play his cards right, he might not even make it inside the apartment.
"What? Lisbon, you wound me." He replies, placing his hand on his chest as he leans against her door frame.
Damn him and his sexy smirk.
"I'm serious, Jane. If you escaped, I refuse to be an accessory; I'm not hiding you from Bosco." She quips back, arms crossed over her chest. That's when he notices her shirt is half unbuttoned and there's a color in her cheeks.
He frowns immediately.
"You're either trying to throw off my skills of keen perception or you've got a man upstairs." Jane says, his tone betraying his calm exterior.
Lisbon looks awestruck by his suggestion, and then seeing the way his eyes darken, clearly not pleased with the prospect of someone being in her bedroom, laughs openly.
Jane raises his eyebrow and slides past her, shutting the door.
"You're a piece of work you know that." She murmurs, amused beyond measure.
Lisbon takes comfort in the easy way they always seem to bounce back to their old selves after a disagreement.
"So why are you so flushed, hmm?"
He stands around the room, glaring at his surroundings suspiciously with his hands on his hips, and all she wants to do is throw her arms around him and tease him mercilessly for typical male behavior.
However, there's still a less full bottle of vodka in her freezer and she still had a nasty dispute with her perfectly rational coworker over Jane's antics. Most importantly she still feels that tiny, perhaps irrational, twinge of betrayal every time she looks at him, so instead of gratifying his question with an answer, she deflects,
"Are you going to tell me how you got out or are we going to have to wait for the police sirens?"
"I did not escape, dear Lisbon. I promise."
"Oh c'mon Jane, be serious. Tell me, did you hypnotize Agent Brody into giving you the keys to the cell?"
"No I considered it but then one of Bosco's agents came in and released me."
"What?"
She's not sure if he's playing some game with her, but she doesn't like it.
"Yeah, I came here to thank you. Whatever you said to Bosco worked like a charm."
The smile on his face is sincere and grateful, but Lisbon just stands completely shocked, then her jaw clenches.
"I didn't go talk to him to bail you out; I still think he did the right thing."
"I don't believe that,"
Jane counters, taking a few steps to approach her.
Instinctively, she backs away,
"Believe it. You should have spent the night, learned what it's like."
"Wouldn't have changed anything, I'm not going to stop."
He says it so nonchalantly, she just wants to scream, rip her hair out, do something to get a rise out of him, make him see just how unnerving it is that he is so calm about this.
"You've made it abundantly clear. Can you go now?"
"I came to say thank you."
"You're not welcome, can you please leave?"
"Do you really want me to go?"
His voice is soft and he's walking towards her in a predatory way very rarely attributed to the man who approaches even the most twisted of suspects with a pretense of calm.
His look is anything but hardened and his body is inching closer to hers, bringing with it promises of all the things she's been craving after such a stressful day.
But she refuses to give in; it's his fault she's been through an emotional rollercoaster.
"It occurred to me while I was a captive man," Jane begins when Lisbon doesn't say anything for a while,
"Something good did come out of this whole debacle."
"Oh really? Please enlighten me, because as I see it, you embarrassed the unit and yourself."
"You trust me." He interrupts her rant.
"What?"
Lisbon looks at him with a confused expression and Jane smiles, closing the space between them and brushing a lock of hair from her face,
"You said before you left that I break rules almost as well as I break trust, which means you trust me."
Lisbon frowns,
"Trusted, Jane. Past tense."
She moves away from him again,
"I don't believe that." He whispers, already breaching the distance between them,
"You should."
She runs her tired hand across her face and in a moment of vulnerability, the blond consultant feels a stab of guilt for a reason that has nothing to do with his quest for vengeance.
For the first time, Jane notices how exhausted Lisbon is, how her eyes seem duller, hurt radiating from them, shoulders slumped, signifying impending defeat.
He knows if he makes a few more choice comments she will crumble in his arms simply because she's so tired of holding it all together, but out of respect, he doesn't budge, doesn't move to comfort her.
He doesn't want to be the reason why she needs a crutch, even though he usually is.
"I can't be sorry for what I did. I've told you over and over again what my plans are, what I intend to do, and for me Bosco is just a minor obstacle, easily removed."
He doesn't mean to sound so detached and as he speaks, he can feel her falling further away from him.
With every word, she straightens up more and more, and she looks him more directly in the eye, a worthy competitor and not backing down anymore.
"That's the thing with you; you view everyone either as an asset or as a detriment. None of us mean anything to you. The job means absolutely nothing to you and therefore, your disregard for rules comes so easily-…"
"You're wrong, Teresa. You do mean something to me. We both know that."
"No," She shakes her head, "no, no we don't. At least I don't. If you cared, even a fraction, you would have talked to me first-…"
"You would've stopped me."
"Hell yea I would, it was stupid what you did. It would never have given you what you needed. You did it because you were desperate Jane, and it only pushed you further away from your goal."
She can see the weight of her words passing through his seemingly impervious façade.
He runs a hand through his curls and this time she's not even distracted by their dark golden hue, in fact his appearance is the last thing on her mind as she watches him struggle with a response.
In some ways, it's a personal triumph to see that she's finally gotten some sort of reaction out of him, but the aftermath is heartbreaking.
Getting thrown in jail and threatened with a permanent suspension doesn't faze him, but a few words from her are making him into a nervous wrack.
It's nice to see some of the power imbalance shift, but the part of her that aches for him, wants him to be better hates this, hates that his past keeps getting in the way of their future.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
He looks at her and all she can think is broken.
He looks broken.
The creases around his eyes are more pronounced then ever and his frown mars the usually playful features of his handsome face.
She wants nothing more than to hold him, give him comfort, warmth, anything to make him the vibrant man she is used to; but if there's anything Lisbon has learned over the years is that self preservation goes a long way and as much as she wants to give over a piece of herself in order to save him, her instincts keep her rooted to the ground.
"I don't think there's anything left to say."
Their eyes meet and she swallows hard, because they both know it's not supposed to be this way and yet it is.
So they stand in her kitchen silently, no longer a supervising agent and her consultant.
Just two people at the precipice of something extraordinary with an even greater force holding them back…