Chapter 6: Shut Down

Brittany leant her forehead against the front door, her hand still holding onto the door knob. Speaking aggressively like that had rattled her, it didn't feel right, especially when the other woman looked so vulnerable.

Moving her head down to chest height she looked through the peephole. The other woman was standing on the front step facing away from her, head hanging and hands resting in the back pockets of her jeans.

Brittany was torn. She certainly did not deserve to be treated the way she was but, at the same time, Santana was here to apologize, and this seemed like a huge step outside the officer's comfort zone. Without knowing what to say to her, Brittany turned the door knob slowly, opening the door ajar.

Hearing it click open Santana turned quickly, her eyes flickering between Brittany and the door, clearly hesitant to make eye contact.

"Brittany, I...", her voice seemed uncharacteristically weak, "...could I please come in?"

Without a word, Brittany stood aside, opening the door all the way and moving a hand to indicate Santana should continue past her. Santana walked into the entry way and stood face to face with Brittany who moved to close the door before heading to the lounge room.

She sat down on the far end of the couch with one leg tucked underneath her, her body facing Santana's as she sat down hesitantly.

"Brittany, I know I said I'm sorry, and I also know that's not enough, but I don't really have any idea what to say next." Santana sat, shoulders slumped, looking both embarrassed and remorseful.

"Well why don't I start then." Brittany made an effort to keep her voice even and was determined not to cry in front of the woman again. "I'm certainly no stranger to being treated like an idiot, but I've certainly never been treated like a criminal. I'm a good person Santana, and I don't understand why you would come here, to my house, and assume the worst after the other conversations we've shared this week." Brittany took a deep breath to regain her composure, staring at the officer expectantly.

Santana shook her head slowly from side to side, and brought a hand up to run through her hair which fell in waves around her shoulders. Brittany found this very distracting. She wasn't very good at holding a grudge at the best of times.

"I've got so many different things I want to say to you, but I just don't know where to start. When my boss showed us those photos of you today, for some ridiculous reason I felt betrayed. I was angry that you had lied to me. I made it personal. That's something I never do," she trailed off as though she was speaking to herself now, "...even when it's supposed to be personal."

"I didn't know who he was Santana, I had no reason to suspect he was anyone other than who he claimed to be. I honestly didn't know Rory even existed until last week." Brittany spoke in a gentle tone, wanting to make her point clear, but without pushing the other woman away.

Santana nodded, unable to meet Brittany's gaze. "I know that now. I think I knew you were telling the truth after the first question I asked you. Then I felt angry because Flanagan had taken advantage of you and I - I took that out on you and then," Santana glanced at Brittany momentarily before looking back down at her hands, restless in her lap. Brittany had to resist the urge to reach out and cover them with her own to still them, "...-then I just felt angry at myself and disappointed because someone who automatically goes to the angry place on everything is no match for someone who only wants to see the good in the world."

Brittany felt a tugging in her chest at Santana's words and she watched as a single tear escaped and trailed down Santana's face. Before she could stop herself she reached out and, placing her palm against the woman's cheek, used her thumb to wipe the tear away.

Brittany felt a warmth overtake her as Santana relaxed into the touch. A moment later, however, she quickly remembered their phone conversation from the previous day and removed her hand, placing it back in her own lap.

"Thank you." She lowered her head, tilting it slightly to one side, trying to catch Santana's eyes, still downcast.

"For what?" Santana looked up, brow furrowed, thoroughly confused.

"For being honest with me, for ...coming back." Brittany smiled at Santana's expression, softening finally. "Santana, can I ask you something?" Brittany chewed on her bottom lip, unsure whether she should have used the officer's name.

Santana nodded slowly and took a deep breath as if preparing herself for what was to come.

"Before, when you said you made it personal," Brittany paused, hoping that she wasn't out of line bringing it back up, "...you said you don't do that even when you should. What did you mean?" Brittany pressed her lips together and searched Santana's face for a sign that her question was okay.

"Well," Santana took another deep breath, clearing her throat before continuing, "...I'm not very good with feelings. I tend to avoid, I- I dunno I guess I avoid situations where I have to think too much or process, I mean, I just don't usually stick around long enough for it to get too personal." Santana looked away again, but this time Brittany was certain the woman actually looked ashamed.

"So all aboard the midnight express eh? One stop only?" Brittany raised her arm and pulled down on an imaginary cable before adding "Choo-Choo", causing both of them to chuckle and shifting the mood ever so slightly.

"Yeah, I suppose that about sums me up. I don't want you to think I'm proud of that though." Santana was serious again.

"Sooo, that piece of crazy from the dance floor the night we met...was she after a refund on her one way ticket?" Brittany bit her lip, smiling, but painfully aware that she was dancing very close to the line once more.

"Umm...the problem there was she had a series of one way tickets, but I dictated when she could use them." Santana smirked now and Brittany hoped that it was due to the metaphor and not woman in question.

"Well in hindsight, I'm kind of glad she interrupted us that night." Brittany felt the flirtatious tone creeping into her own voice as Santana raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Because I -I would need, um, ah, dammit! I was trying to be clever and think of something to do with long train trips and magical golden tickets, but I got nothin'."

Santana still appeared curious. Brittany dropped her gaze now to her own hands in her lap as she felt her toes inch over the line.

"What I was trying to say is that I'd want this to be more than a one night thing." She rushed through those words, afraid of Santana's reaction.

"Brittany..." Santana's tone was pleading.

"I know, I'm sorry." Brittany shook her head before looking up again and straight into Santana's dark, hypnotic eyes. "I'm in this now, aren't I? Even if the phone calls turn out to be nothing, I'm in this now."

Santana nodded her head solemnly.

The night the two had met at Heat, Brittany had spotted Santana the moment she came in. The look of confidence in her eyes and that strut past the bar had captivated her. She looked like Shay Mitchell, but not a thing like the meek and mild Emily Fields the woman played on Pretty Little Liars. When the woman approached the bar after having danced with half the woman there, Brittany followed her, hoping to find the courage to buy the girl a drink.

She felt embarrassed when the crazy woman accosted Santana while they were dancing. Certain it was the woman's girlfriend, Brittany felt guilty that she, too, had done the wrong thing by the other woman. When Santana left with the her, Brittany found Sugar and Kurt and told them she wanted to leave. The three headed out the back exit towards Brittany's car. As they drove away from the bar she saw the woman touch Santana's arm in her rear view mirror. She felt sick with jealousy and disappointment. She wished it had been Sugar's turn to drive and that she had been too drunk to remember the woman with the raven hair and the smoothest skin she'd ever touched.

"Brittany, I really should go, I shouldn't even be here. I just really wanted to apologize for doubting you. I just needed to explain." Santana turned on the couch and pushed her palms against her thighs as if it were an effort to get up. She moved to slide her hands into the back pockets of her jeans when Brittany moved forward and grabbed her left hand.

"Please don't go." She regretted touching the woman instantly, the pained look on Santana's face, communicating so many wordless thoughts.

"Brittany, I-"

"Santana," Brittany interrupted her before she could protest, letting go of the woman's hand reluctantly and motioning for her up sit back down, "... is there any harm in talking? If we stay away from the line we can't cross, can we just...talk?"

Santana ran her fingers through her hair again, looking up towards the ceiling as if contemplating Brittany's proposal.

"I guess there's no real harm in that, is there?" She sat herself down on the couch, turning her body to face Brittany. "So what would you like to talk about?" Brittany was pleased to note a relaxed quality in the woman's voice, but was unsure of how to respond, having not planned this far ahead.

"Umm, well how about you tell me a weird fact about yourself, something completely random." Brittany felt a strange excitement tangle around her idea as she moulded her body into soft suede couch.

Santana smiled playfully and Brittany sincerely hoped for some more line crossing despite her vow of only moments before. "Okay, umm, well, have you heard of that kids group called The Jumping Beans, like The Wiggles, only its four girls?"

"Of course I have," Brittany beamed, "-most of my warm ups for the younger kids I teach are totally borrowed from their songs and routines! Do you have a secret love for them too?" Brittany talked rapidly, like an excited kid listing all their gifts at Christmas.

"Not exactly," Santana started, letting out a small laugh at the look of disappointment on Brittany's face, "...one of my housemates is a Jumping Bean."

"Oh my god, you do not live with Rachel Berry!" Brittany slapped her hand against the couch in utter disbelief.

"I can't tell if you think that would be a good thing or a bad thing, I personally think she's insane, but no, I live with Mercedes Jones."

"No way," Brittany reached out and slapped Santana's thigh light-heartedly before she could stop herself and then began to talk quickly to cover up the slip, "...well Mercedes is awesome, she's seriously talented, but I think Rachel Berry is amazing, I kind of wanted to be her in High School."

"You went to Carmel?"

Brittany shook her head. "No, I went to McKinley. We had this Show Choir called The New Directions and there was this rival show choir called-"

"Vocal Adrenaline." Santana interjected.

Brittany knitted her eyebrows together, confused before her eyes widened in realization, "Of course you'd know that, you know Rachel, duh." She smacked her palm to her head playfully.

"Anyway, I spent three years essentially as just one if the dancers in the background for New Directions. No solos. Not one. I mean, I could carry a tune, but nothing like Rachel. She and Jesse owned that stage and I just always wanted to feel that powerful."

Brittany stopped talking and looked at Santana who was looking back at her, mouth agape. "What? What did I say."

"You, were in a Show Choir? You were in the New Directions?" Santana's smirk caused Brittany to flush with embarrassment instantly and she hung her head in her hands briefly in an attempt to hide it.

"That's a deal breaker isn't it? You think I'm a freak because I was in a show choir and I idolized someone you can't stand." Brittany shook her head at herself and looked up to notice Santana shaking her own head, in time with Brittany's, but with that smirk still playing on her lips.

"Nope, you got it all wrong. I was in a Show Choir too. The Troubletones, I went to-"

"Ainsley Mills Academy." Now it was Brittany's turn to interrupt.

"You remember us?" Santana appeared genuinely proud of the fact.

"Are you kidding me? You went to Nationals in 2011 as well! We came 12th and you were 11th! After that our coach made us look you up. I spent ages on You Tube totally confused because I thought Unique from our school was also in your show choir."

Santana laughed. "I remember Unique, I guess she did look a tiny bit like Mercedes."

Now it was Brittany's turn to smirk. "I am so You Tube-ing you later!"

"Ditto." Santana winked, clearly forgetting herself for a moment.

Brittany felt herself blush again. "Santana, realistically, how long could this case go on for?"

She wanted the woman to say it would all be over soon. She wanted her to say it didn't matter. She wanted the woman to leap across that imaginary line regardless. She allowed her eyes to meet Santana's again and was sure she recognised the look there. It was something she felt herself. Something she'd felt for over a week. Longing.

"This case," Santana bit the words out like they'd formed a bad taste in her mouth, "…has been going on for a really long time. In some ways it started before you and I were even born. The issue right now is that the drug trade has tripled in the city in the past twelve months and a rivalry which ha been brewing between your fathe…" she stopped to correct herself, causing Brittany to feel a small pang of happiness, "…between Martin's crew and the Hernandez family, for years, finally boiled over. Both had been conducting their own businesses separately, but a new drug on the market changed the game. I can't see this ending anytime soon Brittany. I've asked my boss to remove me from your part in the case and reassign me to other duties."

"Could that mean…" Brittany didn't need to finish the sentence, the look on Santana's face gave her the answer she was hoping not to hear.

"I wish it were different. But I also need you to understand that I just started out with SRS. I really can't do anything that could jeopardize my chances…" Santana trailed off, possibly noticing the shift in Brittany's body language.

She felt like she had been punched, hearing Santana point out that she was a risk she wasn't willing to take.

"Brittany?" Santana tried to meet her gaze, but she was staring holes in the carpet, avoiding those damned eyes in an effort not to feel overwhelmed again.

"Britt, look at me." Brittany flinched at the woman's hand touching her shoulder, her heart now hammering inside her chest. She felt her eyes closed involuntarily as Santana's hand moved slowly down her arm until she was holding her hand in hers.

"Brittany, I want to know you and I don't want to know anybody. I don't know why it feels different with you, but I always leave feeling whatever time we've spent together is never enough. I want to do this, like we have today, all the time," she grasped Brittany's free hand in hers now, holding them close together, "…I want to talk with you and laugh with you, I…" She shook her head and breathed in deeply before letting out a long frustrated breath, averting her gaze.

Brittany could feel tension welling in the pit of her stomach and moving up past her racing heart, residing in the base of her throat. She needed Santana to look at her again. Removing a hand from one of Santana's, she brought it up slowly, touching Santana's check as she had done earlier when she cried. Much like earlier, she felt Santana lean into the touch, and the feeling of smooth skin against her palm sent pleasant chills throughout her body.

Applying the smallest amount of pressure, she urged Santana to turn back to look at her once again. Face to face once more, Santana's eyes were downcast and Brittany noted that her breathing had become rapid and shallow much like her own.

When Santana looked back up at Brittany, she offered her a soft smile which Brittany returned as she stroked her thumb across Santana's cheek. This action elicited a deep sigh from the woman and her brow furrowed. Brittany moved her other hand to Santana's brow in an effort to relax the tension she held there.

"Britt, this isn't right." Santana's voice was barely a whisper and Brittany was sure she didn't believe her own words.

"If you can look me in the eye and tell me this feels wrong, I'll stop." Brittany nodded her head lightly, but felt her throat constrict in anticipation.

Santana shook her head, still held between Brittany's hands and brought her own up to place on top of each one. Brittany felt her eyes close at the touch, afraid to open them before Santana answered her question.

"I really don't want you to stop." Brittany barely heard the words escape Santana's lips, but she looked down at them before allowing her eyes to flicker back to meet Santana's as she pulled her closer. She heard a small whimper from Santana and her own stomach somersaulted as Santana's fingertips trailed down her arms and up the back of her neck, brining them impossibly closer. She felt Santana's tongue graze her upper lip and couldn't prevent the moan which escaped her throat at the contact. Their lips moved against each other, and Brittany felt so light headed she almost thought she was falling.

She was brought back to reality with a thud as Santana pulled away and moved herself back on the couch creating the biggest distance between them, breathing deeply. Brittany felt an ache in her chest as she looked at Santana who was staring at her, shaking her head, with tears welling in her eyes.

"Brittany…no one can know about this."

Without a single word in her vocabulary which could serve as an appropriate response, Brittany simply watched Santana leave. She hesitated, once by the couch, and again by the door, tears now streaming down her face, before looking back at Brittany and pulling open the front door.

Brittany flinched at the sound of the door shutting hard against the frame and curled up in her spot on the couch, bringing a shaking hand to her own cheek now to wipe away a single tear.