Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters

Thanks to my beta Choices HP

Chapter 6: Christmas Holidays

Remus was quite excited (if not extremely nervous) about what was coming when they went back to Hogwarts, but several things happened before then.

The first thing caught all of them completely off guard. Mr. and Mrs. Potter interrupted them one day as they worked on perfecting the plan to tell Sirius that his cousin was getting married in less than a week and he was invited to the wedding. Sirius narrowed his eyes skeptically and asked, "What cousin?"

"Andromeda, I believe she said her name was."

Sirius literally jumped for joy. "Oh boy! I wanna go! Can I go?" He was so excited that he didn't notice Remus stifling a laugh, or even James and Peter not even attempting to hide theirs.

Mrs. Potter smiled warmly and answered, "Of course you can go."

"When? When is it when is it when is it?" Sirius was bouncing with excitement.

"A week from tomorrow at two in the afternoon," Mr. Potter supplied.

Sirius' eyes got wide and he exclaimed, "But that's just over a week away!"

"Really?" James asked in mock shock, earning disapproving glances from both his parents.

"Yeah! And I left my dress robes at home but my parents wouldn't want me to go to her wedding," his excitement was momentarily replaced by bitterness, "because she's marrying a Muggleborn, so…" He thought for a moment before perking up, the grin replaced on his face. "We'll just have to go to Diagon Alley! And I can show you some things there and we can get ice cream because ice cream's the best in the middle of the winter and it'll be loads of fun and I can buy new dress robes. Can we go, Mr. and Mrs. Potter? Can we? Please?"

"Of course," Mr. Potter answered, smiling. "How about we go tomorrow morning?" At Sirius' profuse nodding, both he and Mrs. Potter smiled and left.

"Obviously he was gonna say yes. I mean, who could say no to a face like that?" Remus asked, grinning almost as much as Sirius now.

"Me," James replied, raising his hand.

They all laughed.

"Really, though," James continued, "How could you say yes to that face? It's disgusting."

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, with a genuinely hurt look on his face.

"Oh, relax. I was kidding. Sort of." James grinned. "Besides, I am very happy with you right now. You gave us the perfect excuse to go shopping!" Peter and Remus both laughed at that. James picked up a Quaffle off his shelf and threw it in their general direction. "Oh, shut up," he said as Remus dodged the ball and Peter, who was sitting behind him, failed to. "That means we can get supplies for our big plan."

The next thing was the trip to Hogsmeade itself. James' parents had decided to go shopping for things they needed around the house, leaving the four boys to shop alone. Remus thought this was rather short sighted of them, considering they were the ones who raised James and surely knew what kind of trouble he got into when he wasn't under surveillance. On the other hand, this would make it much easier for them to get their own supplies without taking the risk of the Potters becoming suspicious. So, they set out down the frosty alley on their own.

Sirius had insisted on going to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour before they bought anything, proclaiming over and over that no time was better for ice cream than the winter ("You're an odd one, you know that, Sirius?" Peter commented). After this, they headed to Madam Malkin's Robes For All Occasions, James, Remus, and Peter all shivering with cold after the ice cream while Sirius just strolled along, looking extremely content.

The quest for dress robes was exceedingly dull, especially considering Sirius modeled each style for at least ten minutes before deciding he didn't like them and going on to another. He went through ten different styles before deciding on the first one he'd looked at. James said he thought that this must be what it was like shopping with a girlfriend, but Peter expressed his views that their friend probably only did that to be annoying. Remus thought they both had a point.

At long last, it was time for the boys to prepare themselves for adventures to come. These adventures would likely come in the form of detentions, but the excitement before said adventures would make the detentions worth it. At least, that was what Remus kept telling himself.

Gambol and Japes Wizarding Joke Shop was the place to go to stock up. Remus had never been there, as his parents thought it would give him dangerous ideas, and was delighted with what he found when he entered. Filibuster's Fabulous No-Heat, Wet-Start Fireworks (which Remus thought was a rather long name for a product), Dungbombs, Fanged Frizbees, Frog Spawn Soap, Grow-Your Own Warts Kits, and Non-Explodable Luminous Balloons all caught his eye. He couldn't see why anyone would want to grow their own warts, but he was impressed by the magic required to create a product like that, anyway.

James steered him away from the kit he was examining, smirking, "Stop drooling, Remus. I'd hate to be seen in the company of someone who looks like he's never been in a joke shop before. Besides, we don't need one of those right now. It's these we're after." He grabbed as many dungbombs, fireworks, and luminous balloons as he could in his arms and motioned for Remus to do the same. "There's the distraction you said we needed, by the way," James said as an afterthought, nodding at the balloons, "Excellent diversions."

Remus frowned. He was sure the teachers would figure out a way to track the balloons to them, but he wasn't going to say anything unless he came up with a better idea first.

So, the four boys carried as much "supplies", as James called them, to the front as they could and James and Sirius split the cost.

Upon Sirius' request, they went back to Florean Fortescue's once again to get more ice cream and were shivering uncontrollably by the time they found Mr. and Mrs. Potter. There was one advantage to this, though. Using the Floo powder actually felt nice for a change.

Perhaps the most enjoyable thing that proceeded going back to Hogwarts, though, was Christmas itself. Remus had always enjoyed Christmas, but at Potter Manor, it was something else entirely. Lupin Christmases had always been modest and quiet, mainly due to the need to extricate Remus from the rest of society. They had been rather small, with a family dinner and gift opening, but little else. The Potter Christmas was the complete opposite. Remus had gone to bed one night and woken up to find the place exploding with décor. He thought it looked like Santa Clause had vomited Christmas on the place.

The normal white walls and hardwood floors were now red and green with gold molding along the bottom of the walls and around the windows. There were enormous Christmas trees in every corner, covered in sparkling tinsel and Christmas baubles and topped with what looked like real fairies placed in jars. In between each door was a small counterpart of these. There was mistletoe hanging over every doorway and wreaths on the doors themselves.

With all the decor, Remus had been expecting a huge Christmas party, but it turned out that the Potters, Sirius, Peter, and him were still the only ones there.

As per Potter tradition, presents were not to be opened until after dinner, which created two huge annoyances for Remus and James. These annoyances were called Peter and Sirius. Their constant whines that they wanted their presents now actually wound up driving James, who thought it would be weird to open presents early anyway, and Remus, who thought it would be good for them to learn some patience, to lock themselves up in the attic just to get away.

This, as it transpired, was actually quite fun. Well, it was quite fun for Remus, anyway, as the attic was piled high with books on every subject known to man, including Muggle novels that families like Sirius' wouldn't have been caught dead with. He took one of these, called Lord of the Flies, and started reading it. He thought it was quite interesting, but when he tried to read the book to James, he was politely informed that any eleven-year-old who found a book like that interesting had to be completely barmy. In retaliation, Remus went on to read the entire book aloud to James, who had apparently decided this was better than being around his other friends' complaining, but still had funny reactions.

When he finally finished reading, James stopped banging his head against a wall and looked at his watch. "Not that that wasn't enjoyably creepy and sickening, but dinner's probably ready now. C'mon." He walked to the door, unlocked it, and headed out, Remus following closely behind.

They were immediately accosted by Peter and Sirius, still moaning piteously about wanted to open their presents. Remus did his best to ignore this, but James hit both of them.

Dinner was delicious. There were mounds of food: mashed potatoes, yam, stuffing, rolls, gravy, and even a Turducken. Peter and Sirius even stopped complaining about not opening presents yet when they saw all the food laid out for them. In fact, Sirius actually complained that he wanted to keep eating when Mrs. Potter said she thought it was time to stop eating and go open their presents.

Once they got to their piles of presents, though, he quit complaining altogether and dove on his. "Excellent, I've been running low on Stink Pellets and they're much easier to hide than dungbombs…and, wow, Andromeda…this is fantastic. Oi! Come check this out!" He was holding out a brand new Silver Arrow broomstick, "Bloody fantastic, I've wanted one of these for ages."

"But…Sirius…first years aren't allowed their own brooms," Remus pointed out, frowning, holding a halfway opened box of Honeyduke's chocolates from his grandparents.

Sirius and James both gave him withering looks. "Do you think I care about what we're allowed to have, Remus? Honestly, sometimes I wonder about you…"

"But—"

"You'd better watch it. Keep this up and he won't even let you have a go on it when we get to school," James said, though very quietly so his parents couldn't hear.

All in all, gift opening was one of the least exciting things about his break, Remus thought. He had received the large box of chocolates from his grandparents, a pile of books on defensive magic and magical creatures from his parents, some Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans from Peter, and various instruments of pranking from James and Sirius. He liked these all very much, much more than Sirius had liked the book his parents had given him, which was entitled Muggles: The Threat to Wizarding Society and made it quite obvious why Andromeda was the only family Sirius wanted to associate himself with. It was just that so much more was happening this winter that made opening gifts seem pretty insignificant.

The final thing that happened before Remus' return to Hogwarts was the full moon and the time at home that followed. He'd forgotten how nice it was to have his parents there before and after his transformations to care for him. He had even gotten to the point of thinking his transformation would be terrible without his friends around afterward, but his parents more than made up for their absence. It was one thing to have friends to cheer him up, but it really was something else entirely to have someone who not only loved him, but also knew what was wrong with him around to take care of him.

The actual act of morphing into a werewolf and back was as painful as ever, but the next day, when his parents were there not only trying to distract him with games of chess and exploding snap, but also making sure he was comfortable and not in too much pain, he couldn't help but feel that he was pretty lucky.

Stupid as it seemed, he even found himself dreading the return to Hogwarts that was fast approaching. Of course, he missed his friends, particularly Lily, who he hadn't seen since term ended, and was excited for the rest of the Quidditch season. He even missed his classes, which still felt like a novelty to him after the years he'd spent convincing himself he'd never learn to be a proper wizard. The fact remained, however, that his transformations were still worse by far when he was at school than when he was at home. He still bit and scratched himself. He still spent the entirety of the next day in the hospital wing, allowing his injuries to heal.

He found himself grappling with these thoughts late into the night in the final few days preceding his departure. Could he handle the next six and a half years without his parents there on the full moon? Was it really worth it to go back when, even at his young age, he knew that, no matter his qualifications as a wizard, he would never get a real job, would never be accepted into wizarding society?

During the day, he was restless. His lack of sleep caught up to him and his parents had definitely noticed that he wasn't himself. They were worried. They asked questions that he stubbornly dodged around. It wasn't until they told him that he would not be allowed to return to Hogwarts if he didn't tell them what was wrong that he broke down and told them that returning to Hogwarts was what was wrong. He was shocked and a bit embarrassed to find himself crying—that, he thought, was very immature for an eleven-year-old to do—but by the time he told them everything he'd been thinking, all the thoughts and fears about his future, the emotions he'd felt on those sleepless nights, had welled up inside him with so much pressure that they could do nothing but come out.

The reaction he had expected from his parents was not what he got. He'd expected them to decide he wasn't ready for school yet. They often decided these things for him: when he was ready to go out in public for the first time after he was attacked, when he was ready to start going to the Muggle school down the street, when he was ready to learn to fly, when he was ready to go to Diagon Alley to get his first wand. They thought they knew how he felt about things better than he did. And so it would not have been so far-fetched for them to decide he was not emotionally ready for Hogwarts yet, especially when he himself was so uncertain.

Instead, his mother pulled him securely into her arms and said gently, "I'm afraid there's no easy answer, sweetheart." She paused, pulling away from her son just enough to wipe the tears off his cheeks. This simultaneously made him feel childish and very comforted. "It's up to you to decide if you want to go back."

Up to him. He leaned more heavily into his mother, turning just his head to look over at his father, who was sitting on the edge of a chair, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Every time something like this came up…every time Remus' condition impaired his life…he just wished his dad would stop feeling so guilty. Remus didn't think it was his fault, so why did he?

Again, unbidden, hot tears began to well up in his eyes and he turned his face back into his mum's shoulder. He would never be accepted. In a way, John's guilt would always be justified. Nothing would change the fact that it would be impossible for him to find a job when he grew up. Nothing would change the fact that anyone who found out what he was would hate him for it. Nothing would change the fact that learning to be a wizard was a waste of his life. Nothing would change the fact that he quite simply could never be normal. With that, he had a decision.

But then his thoughts strayed to the only place he had ever felt normal, the only place he felt accepted by anyone other than his parents. He thought of the people who he would trust with his life, if not his secret. The people he almost dared to think would care about him even if they found out. The people he would need to support him one day when he didn't have his parents anymore. He even allowed his thoughts to stray to certain plans he had with those people for the beginning of the upcoming term.

And his dad. His dad, who was always there for him no matter what, who was the greatest wizard Remus knew, who loved him more than anyone else in the world. His father, who blamed himself for Remus' condition. His father, who would undoubtedly be crushed by guilt if Remus decided to give up because of what he was.

In the end, there really was only one choice to make.

"Mum?" he forced out.

"Yes?" The single word was thick with emotion.

"I think I have to go back to Hogwarts."