GOOD LOVIN'The Young Rascals I was feelin' . . . so bad,I asked my family doctor just what I had,I said, "Doctor, . . . Mr. M.D., . . . Now can you tell me, tell me, tell me,What's ailin' me?" He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,Yes, indeed, all you really need . . .Is good lovin'Gimme that good, good lovin . . .All I need is lovin' . . .Good lovin', baby. Baby please, squeeze me tight . . . Now don't you want your baby to feel alright? I said Baby . . . (Baby) . . . now it's for sure . . I got the fever, Baby, Baby, but you've got the cure I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,Yes, indeed, all I really need . . .Is good lovin' Gimme that good, good lovin . . .All I need is lovin' . . .Good lovin', baby.
I had thought things would be different. Julie and I would learn to live together; I would do my thing, she hers, Ella keeping track of her coming and going. After all, that's why I hired her, because I didn't want to be a single father to begin with. Well, I didn't know how, at the minimum. She was a cute kid, and sometimes entertained me with her silly stories and games. But I had no expectations that latent parenting genes would suddenly appear and I would grow to love the experience, either.
It seems that somewhere along the line, I lost control of the situation. Damn good thing I ran my professional life better than my personal one. Like tonight. What the hell just happened, I pondered, running the evenings experience through my head. Marina came on both barrels about my intentions toward Julie, about my obvious skill deficits in the parenting arena, and in general about the lack of human tendencies I exhibited at times. Fuck. She wants me to find a woman, be involved? Fine! I swung my car into the parking lot of the strip club and parked. I would go involve myself with a woman, ok? I hadn't been laid in too long anyway.
It had all started innocently enough at dinner. Craig came with his girlfriend. They were cloying and lovey dovey. Julie asked Julissa if she was Craig's wife. Kids. They both turned a shade of bright red and Craig sputtered something and then they both looked at Marina and told her that they actually had come over tonight to share the good news. They were getting married. And they left right after dinner to go tell her parents and his dad.
Marina was far more emotional about it than I would have expected her to be. I called her on it, and she told me just wait. That when my daughter grew up and made huge life decisions like marriage, I would understand her position.
"Or maybe you wont," she tossed at me. "You just don't have any clue Carlos, do you? Do you honestly think when you get your head out of your ass, and are finally ready to parent that child in there," she gestured toward the den, "that she is going to be sitting still five years old, patiently waiting for you to get a clue, and not already grown up with the knowledge you didn't give a shit??" Her voice was rising, getting way beyond pissed.
"You need to re-order your priorities. Julie needs to be your first priority. Not your fancy black cars, not you playing at investigator or whatever shit it is that you've been doing the last three months. Ron is not your responsibility. Julie is. Find a job that keeps you in the state, and will keep you alive long enough to see her grown. Find a woman to marry and give that girl a mother. You can't do this alone."
I got ready to loudly refute that, but she had other ideas. She got into my face and growled through clenched teeth. "Don't deny it Carlos. You are pissed you have this responsibility? Well tough. I taught you better. I taught you to take care. You are the one who made that child, through your own choice because you didn't take care. She is not to blame and you shouldn't be ruining her childhood as a punishment for her being born, or punishing her because her mother died and left her to you. Grow the fuck up Carlos."
And then I threw my beer bottle at the wall. Julie came running when she heard the glass shatter, and hovered in the doorway whimpering, tears in her eyes, until Marina took her away. She brought her upstairs to the bedroom she kept ready for her and tucked her into bed.
I had swept up the mess by the time she came back into the den. I was sitting in the dark on the ottoman by the fireplace, my head in my hands. I was utterly confused. I hadn't lost my temper, really lost it like that, in a very long time. Julie, Rina, my life, it was just enough to drive me out of my mind sometimes.
Rina's fingers felt good on my shoulders. She didn't turn the light on, but sat down on the ottoman behind me and began to knead my shoulder muscles. I was incredibly tense. "Hijo, I love you and that little girl too much to let you mess this up. I know you didn't expect your life to go this way. I'm sorry about that. But you need to live the life you have been given." Her voice was quiet, soothing.
"I'm sorry. That was uncalled for," I said with sincerity. "I just am-- I don't know. I have no reference point, you know? What more do I do with her, for her? I bought this huge house with a playroom and yard, we have Ella; I have her in a good school. She goes to gymnastics and Brownies and dancing and soccer. What am I supposed to be doing that I'm not?" I ran my hands through my hair, and looked over at Marina--my sister, my mother, my friend.
"You are supposed to be parenting her. Be her father, Carlos. She doesn't have that respect for you as a father figure. She sees you on par with Craig and Jason. She thinks of you as some special uncle or something. Someone who she doesn't have to please or obey. Someone she enjoys being around, yes. Someone she loves, definitely. But she doesn't regard you as her father."
"You aren't helping by abdicating all day to day responsibilities to Ella. You are doing yourself and Julie a disservice. I think you could be a wonderful father. A true role model for her. I remember how much you idolized Papi. You thought the sun and the moon rose at his command."
"But you don't even ask her to respect you enough to call you Daddy. If you are Carlos, or Ranger, then you will get only the respect that Ranger gets. But if you are Daddy? Daddy, Carlos. You are that child's Daddy."
"And that little girl needs a mother. You need a woman in your life Carlos." I was ready to stop her right there. I was not getting into a conversation about women with her! But she barreled on, determined I hear her out. "Don't roll your eyes at me. You are a good looking man, smart; and finding his way. You are having success at your career," she shook her head at that; I know she's not thrilled with how I earn a buck.
"Although what kind of career I am afraid to ask--you keep getting yourself arrested! I am not about to spend the rest of my life bailing you out. I have bailed your ass out of jail too many times to count over the years. You don't live under my roof anymore. I got you to join the military. I don't know what else to do with you Carlos, I really don't. If you don't care about yourself, your reputation, then please think of Julie. You are going to lose custody if you don't get your act together! Find someone who can ground you."
"You need to find someone to share this journey. Your life can't be just work, and it can't be just Julie. Just as you balance your diet Carlos, and treat your body as a temple with food, you need to worship it, and provide it with its other needs of love and acceptance. Success is hollow if you have no one to share it with."
Everything she said was true. But fall in love? I had done that already. I was hopelessly in love with someone I couldn't have. Someone who didn't even know I was still around. Lose Julie? No. that couldn't happen.
"I have told you time and again, Rina. I am working undercover. None of the charges stick. My lawyer or the ATF come in, they make everything go away. I am just establishing a street reputation. It is necessary in order for me to get the trust of these gangs."
"And CPS will not give a rat's ass about that Carlos. You are a single parent with custody of a minor child who they will say is in an unstable and unsafe environment. They will take her first and ask questions later."
"You wouldn't allow it, would you? Would you take her?"
She sighed then. "And if I tell you I would take her? You won't worry over this conversation one minute after you walk out of the room."
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He sighed. Audibly. That told me a lot about how confused he really was. He doesn't usually let emotion run his life. "I need this cover, Rina. What I am doing now, what I am involved in--this is it. This is me! I am good at this. I hadn't thought of what to do after, you know? I never felt I had the luxury of worrying about after."
"I've found my niche. I hunt. I track. I am good at it. It's what I did as a Ranger. I didn't know I could continue." He looked up and me and saw I was smiling, trying to hold in a laugh.
"What?" He asked. He stood up and went toward the kitchen to grab a few more beers. I watched him walk. His limp was noticeable tonight because he was tired, but I was impressed by how hard he had worked to get back to prime fitness. He was driven, that's for sure. His physical therapist at the hospital always went on about his determination.
Of course, I think it was a bit to do with the fact she wanted to go out with him, and wanted me to say something to him since she hadn't been able to convince him to ask her out despite all of her blatant attempts at seduction. Child, I thought to myself. Not at all prepared for Carlos!
"You are enthusiastic like you were as a boy. It makes me happy to see you engaged with the world. I am proud of what you are attempting to do. But your life can't be just work. No matter how good it is or how good you are at it. You have another responsibility, a far greater one."
"What, are you changing up specialties? Becoming a shrink instead of a brain surgeon?" he finally replied; beer in hand, after taking a swig.
"You asked my advice Carlos. There it is. Tell me what it is you are really afraid of, and I will tell you that you can conquer your fear. But if you don't own up to it? Well, I can't help you there." I looked at him and couldn't help but smile. He had always been too handsome for his own good.
Strong, dark, sexy; I knew what the ladies were always saying about him. But sometimes you had to wonder, all the other crap he carries around with him, does it make him less attractive? He's my brother, I don't get those kinds of vibes from him, but I certainly know how distracting being around him can be. There is an aura about him. Maybe women are scared of him; maybe they can't get to know him because of the walls he builds.
"Carlos. When is the last time you went out on a date? Just you and a woman, dinner and dancing; a movie, something quiet?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I've been busy."
"When?"
"A movie? Dinner? Shit, I don't know; I was probably in high school!"
"Carlos."
"I don't know."
"Who is the last person you kissed?"
"You, about 10 minutes ago."
"Carlos."
He got up and paced. He was bothered by something; something I couldn't get my finger on…. He finally stopped and looked at me. There was an infinite sadness in his eyes as I looked at him. He turned around again and walked to the sliding glass doors and looked out onto the snow covered deck. He didn't turn and I had to strain my ears to hear him speak.
"I met her."
"What? Who?"
He turned then, and stood in front of me. "You know how Mami always said?"
"I met her…my other half."
Holy shit. I only half believed Mami. She loved to tell her tale, and it was definitely a romantic story, but real? "And?" Why is he making this like pulling teeth?
"She's married. Three kids."
I sat in the Turbo another 10 minutes, the conversation from earlier going round and round in my head. For one thing, Marina needs to stay out of my business. Find a woman, be a better father, find a job. For another, she needs to take her freaking Christmas tree down. Driving through the dark streets of Trenton, no more Christmas lights. No trees in windows. Except at the Dennison residence. Some ideas of Mami's she just won't change. And Mami said the tree stayed up till the Epiphany, so Marina's dry, pathetic tree needed to suffer through another few nights before it was mercifully dragged to the curb.
Trying to explain about Stephanie? That had been hard. Despite her failed marriage, Marina was a closet romantic. She always put on the no-nonsense, pragmatic doctor face, but she really was all about family and heritage, hearts and flowers.
"When did you meet her, where? Tell me!! It was like Mami and Papi? Really?"
Fuck. Why had I said anything? I had gone almost 5 years without talking about it. Talking about her, about us. Well, since that one drunken night with Tank. Steph and I lived on together in my dreams. Just at night, in my unconsciousness.
I couldn't allow those memories out into the light of day. It hurt too much. I had managed to categorize her, box my feelings up and pack them away except during the endless, sleepless nights. Then she came to me, and I loved her thoroughly. I worshipped her skin, her lips, her scent. I could feel her hair slipping through my fingers, the warmth of her breath as if she were actually in my embrace.
God, the nights were long.
Enough. I am going inside. I looked at my watch. Shit, I was still early. But it was barely 12 degrees outside, and I had no reason to sit here in the cold dark night. Tank said he and Lester were going to be traveling this way and we had made arrangements to meet at The Golden Lasso at 11. I was really looking forward to seeing them. I had only just recently come to realize how much I had relied on the guys for friendship, for support.
The past six months of recuperation and upheaval hadn't left me capable of maintaining a relationship with men I had grown so close to that I considered them brothers. I had failed them by my lack of communication, by the attitude I had projected. Leave me alone; let me wallow in the misery that my life isn't what I want it to be. I wanted to change that. I needed their companionship.
The small round table was overrun by empty beer bottles. Lester sat off to the side in a dark corner, the girl from the last act sitting on his lap, her sequined Wonder Woman costume reflecting and sparkling as the strobe lights pulsed. Tank shook his head at the sight, took another pull from his beer and slapped the bottle down onto the table. "So, spill Ranger. Wha's really goin' down?"
I hadn't had a chance to run this by them yet. The idea came to me, fully formed the other night, after Tank called to wish me a Happy New Year. I never thought of doing things like that.
Julie had answered the phone. It was her birthday, and she was apparently expecting all sorts of calls wishing her a happy day. She picked up the phone and announced who she was, just as Ella had taught her. She then started giggling, so I figured it was a friend. Five minutes later, she handed me the phone. It was Tank.
We spoke for a moment, and Julie ran upstairs. I tried to find out what Tank could have possibly been discussing with Julie but he wouldn't tell me. He did tell me he was coming north for a bit. He had said to me, "I's itching to get out of Georgia, daddy be after me to tend crops all week and take up preaching on Sundays."
I couldn't argue the desire for escape from that fate, and it would be nice to have a friend around. A true one, not one of the jerks in the street gang I had to pretend to be tight with as part of this undercover mission. Julie's footsteps pounded down the stairs and she skid to a stop in front of me, breathless.
"Ranger," she tugged on my arm. "Is that still him?" Stop, I motioned, but she kept fussing. "What?" I mouthed, my hand over the phone. "Is that still Mr. Tank?" she asked, bouncing up and down in place.
I nodded, and then she was after me to have the phone back. "Tank, man, can you hold on? Julie seems to feel the need to interrupt us," I glared at her. I gave her the phone and she giggled breathlessly into the phone.
"I found it Mr. Tank," she said, holding a bottle of nail polish. "It's a bright pink color." What the hell? "Ranger, what is this color called," she then asked, handing me the bottle. "Raspberry Rhapsody" I read the label, totally confused.
She repeated it to him and then laughed again and said yes and goodbye and handed me the phone.
"What the fuck Tank?" I asked; shaking my head as Julie tore back through the halls. That kid's energy is boundless.
He laughed then. "We got ourselves a manicure appointment, man, when I get to Jersey. I am gonna teach you how to do that little girl's fingers up pretty." My mind left that bizarre scene from the strangest New Years Eve I could recall ever spending; those off in the middle of nowhere included, and came back to the present.
"I've gone into a contract with the ATF," I began, and Wonder Woman was unceremoniously dumped from Lester's lap as he strode over to the table. "You're kidding man," he said. "How'd you land that shit!"
"Sit down, and I'll tell you," I laughed at him. I definitely had missed the guys. Tank had gotten out two months after I was cut loose. Lester was on leave, prior to completing his last six month tour before deciding whether to re-up or not. I hoped they both would agree to become partners in this venture I had decided to get involved in.
x
I tossed my duffel over my good shoulder and began the journey through the airport, scrubbing my face with my hand, trying to come awake, trying to organize all the random thoughts in my head. I was more frustrated and bewildered than I had been when I left for Miami. Ron was in deeper than I had thought, far deeper than any of my informants had gathered. I hadn't slept in about 5 days. I had gotten by on cat naps; reminiscent of my old army days off in the deserts of god knows where, and I was looking forward to an uninterrupted nights sleep.
It was early spring back here in New Jersey. I regretted leaving the warm Miami sun for the promise of a spring that was being beaten down by a late winter storm system. I was lost in thought, moving on autopilot but totally aware nonetheless. I spotted Julie the moment she broke free of Marina's grasp. "Ranger!!!!" she screeched, running wildly through the crowds of people waiting for disembarking passengers, her rabbit flopping in the breeze behind her. I really didn't need this; why did Marina have to meet me here with her? I pasted a smile onto my face as Julie came barreling through the baggage claim area.
I surveyed the area for Tank. Nowhere to be seen. I guess Marina had gotten to him too, in her far-reaching effort to turn me into Dad of the Year. Next thing I know, he'll be arranging double dates for us, since she hasn't been able to pull off the matchmaking yet to her satisfaction. I shuddered inwardly, and nodded acknowledgement to elderly couple who were smiling sweetly at my daughter's enthusiastic greeting.
I swooped her up as she charged me and swung her around, her face bright and smiling. My face unexpectedly broke into a grin, and I felt laughter bubbling from deep inside me. I didn't deserve this kind of love I thought, pulling her closer to me, loving the feeling of her soft body wrapped around me, all arms and legs; knees and elbows encircling my neck, my waist, the smell of baby shampoo tickling my nose.
"Princess," I breathed into her ear, my eyes closed, just reveling in her acceptance. She squeezed me just a little too tightly around the shoulder and I winced, but I blanked my face before she noticed.
We had made our way to where Marina was waiting by then and I knew she had seen me grimace. Shit. She offered her cheek to me and I obliged her with a kiss. "You're hurt," she hissed. I shrugged it off. I wasn't getting into it in front of Julie.
"I have no other bags," I said, and turned to leave for the parking lot.
The woman I had been sitting next to on the plane glared at Rina and Julie as we walked through the people hovering around baggage claim. Rina noticed the woman's venomous eye and looked up at me and smiled. "Making friends again I see, huh Carlos?"
"Hmmph," I snorted.
"She's pretty. What could you possibly have done to piss her off on a flight to New Jersey?"
"Declined her offer to join the mile high club."
Marina howled with laughter, and I put my arm around her and pulled her close. "She's probably trying to figure out why I would want you when I could have her," I whispered evilly and kissed the top of her head. That got the swat I figured it would get, and I turned my attention back to Julie, who was tugging on my face, trying to get me to notice her. I kissed her on the nose and she giggled.
x
"She's in bed and already asleep. Off with the shirt Carlos."
I glared at her. "It's nothing," I said, looking down at my laptop.
"Carlos. I am not leaving this house until you take off your shirt."
"It's just a flesh wound," I responded, but I stood up and pulled off my t-shirt. Which of course hurt like fucking hell. I sat on the arm of the couch and let Marina play doctor. She mumbled under her breath something about me and a death wish, and was not as gentle as she could have been while examining the wound. "What happened?" She finally asked, as she handed me back my shirt. I promptly tossed it onto the couch. I wasn't up for pulling at the stitches again as I dressed.
"Nothing."
"Carlos, people don't get shot for nothing. Did you find Ron?'
"No. No he's gone to ground, or he's dead. I'm leaning toward dead."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I woke up crying because an orange monster with big green teeth was trying to eat Mrs. Wabbit. I got out of my bed and went to Ranger's room to get into his bed. It was safe there. The monsters wouldn't follow. They would be scared of him, I knew that. They never followed.
I had Mrs. Wabbit tucked close to me and opened his door. His room was very dark. The moon was like a tiny night light in the window so I could find his bed. I started to climb up, because he always let me sleep in his bed when I had nightmares. He was talking in his sleep. He did that a lot. I pushed Mrs. Wabbit under the covers and pulled them up over me too, and he rolled over in the bed and called me Babe.
"I'm not Babe, Ranger," I giggled quietly; "I'm Julie."
"Babe," he whispered again, and pulled me into his arms.
"Julie." I said as I put my hands on his cheek and kissed him and laughed again.
"Julie," he mumbled. In a minute he woke up all the way. "What's the matter, Princess? Nightmares?" He asked as he rubbed my arms. I nodded and snuggled in closer to him.
He told me it all was just a dream. I don't know about that. I think being in his bed was safer. I liked him holding me. I had missed him when he went away to Florida.
"I saw your Grandma while I was in Florida," Ranger said to me, pulling the blankets up over us all. I sat back up. "You did? I wanna see her too, Ranger. Was Xavier there? Was he? I miss him. Did my Daddy come back yet?"
"Oh, Princess," he whispered, letting me crawl back into his arms.
"I want my Daddy, I want my brother. I want my Mommy back," I whispered. I started to cry. I missed them.
Ranger scooted up in the bed, with me still in his arms. He didn't turn on the light. "Princess." He rubbed my head, and used his fingers to wipe away my tears. "I'm your daddy."
I opened my eyes and looked at him. "I know you are, Ranger." I saw a bandage under his t-shirt. "What happened to you?" I touched his shoulder.
"Nothing, baby."
"Then why do you have a bandage? It's a big one. You aren't sick again, are you?" I hoped not. I didn't want to have to go to the hospital all the time to see him again.
"No, baby. Just a little hurt."
"How? By a bad man?"
"Yeah. A bad man. But I'm ok."
"Your job is to catch the bad men, right? That's what Mr. Tank told me."
"Yeah, something like that princess."
"Can I go to Florida next time? I wanna see my grandma and Xavier."
"I will take you some time." He kissed my cheek. "Your grandma sent that to you."
My eyes got all full of tears. "Will my Daddy ever come back?"
Ranger didn't answer me. I looked up at him, and his face was sad. "I don't think so."
"So now you are my only Daddy?"
"Yeah." Ranger kissed the top of my head. "Is that ok?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I loved Ranger, I did. Monsters and bad men were supposed to be scared of him. But sometimes he was scary even to me. But I liked being all wrapped up in his arms. "I love you, Ranger," I told him and turned all the way around so I could put my arms around his neck.
"I love you, too, princess." He gave me a squeeze but only with the arm that wasn't hurt. He kissed my nose. "And you know what? I think I would really like it if you would call me Daddy." He laid me back down in the bed, and pulled the blanket up again. He handed me Mrs. Wabbit, and he lay down and closed his eyes.
I closed my eyes, and I felt his fingers on my cheek. "Sweet dreams, Princess. Goodnight," he said very softly.
"Goodnight," I opened my eyes and looked at him. "Daddy."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Stephanie, phone!" Anthony waved me over. Hmmm, that's weird; he doesn't usually allow personal phone calls. I nodded that I heard him and finished taking the lunch order, then high-tailed it to the bar. "Take it in the office," Anthony motioned to the door at the end of the bar, and I looked at him with some confusion. "Go on," he said, but he followed me to the door. I wasn't liking this a bit.
I closed the door behind me with a bizarre sense of dread. This wasn't going to be a good call. My hands shook as I reached for the receiver. I was afraid to speak, but my imagination was probably worse than reality, so I finally picked it up and said hello.
"Pumpkin?"
"Dad? Ohmygod, what happened?"
I knew it was a bad call. I knew it. "Daddy? What's wrong?"
"It'll be ok, Pumpkin, I'm sure. It's Edna. Your grandmother, well, she fell."
"Where are you?" My heart was racing. My hands were shaking. "I'll be right there."
"We're at St. Francis. Your grandmother is being examined right now. Take your time, ok? She was giving the paramedics a hard time when they got here, I am sure she's going to be fine. Your mother wanted me to call you."
I sat down hard on Anthony's swivel desk chair. I took a few deep breaths before getting ready to go back out there. One more strike, I thought sullenly. I had to ask to leave in the middle of the lunch rush. I called Joe. He was my ride today because I couldn't get the Lexus started.
"Hey, cupcake," he answered his cell. He must be out on the street.
"Joe?"
"What's wrong? Where are you?"
"Joe, it's Grandma Mazur. She's in the hospital. She fell."
"Aw, shit. Where are you now?"
"I'm still at work. Daddy just called."
"I can come get you in about 20 minutes, 30 tops, ok?"
"Thanks."
I hung up and wiped my eyes. It was probably all a precaution, I thought. Nothing could keep her down for long. I took a few deep breaths, and opened the office door. Anthony was a few feet away, wiping the counter down when I came out.
"Everything ok?"
"I'm gonna have to leave, Anthony. Family emergency."
"What?"
Oh, no, don't you dare go there Anthony, I thought. I was getting ready to go all rhino, when he asked me again. "What happened Stephanie? Is everyone ok?"
Oh damn! I almost told my boss off for caring. I shook my head no, then yes, and then I just wove my fingers together behind my neck and tugged. I apparently needed to de-stress some.
"Joe's gonna collect me in a bit to take me to the hospital. Grandma Mazur fell." I looked him in the eye, finding all my courage, and told him I would get the drink orders going for my tables, and I turned away before he saw my armor crack.
It turned out Joe couldn't get to me for almost an hour. Everyone was very kind to me, and tried to keep me distracted, but I was creating scenario after scenario, each more horrifying than the next. I was a basket case by the time he got me into his car.
"Cupcake." Joe had my hand in his and he tugged me closer to him on the elevator. I let myself melt into his embrace; I didn't like being strong. I wanted someone to baby me. I was scared.
"It'll be ok," he murmured into my hair, and his hands rubbed up and down my arms. I race walked to the room they had told us she had been moved to, and as I got there, I saw Val, Mom and Dad all standing about, talking with a doctor at the foot of Grandma's bed.
"Mom." I walked in, Joe behind me.
"Stephanie. Where have you been?"
"My car's not running. Is she ok?" I asked, walking over to the bed. Grandma was always larger than life in my mind, but here, lying on the hospital bed, eyes closed, she looked tiny; fragile and weak.
I heard the doctor talking to my mother. "Mrs. Plum, if you have any further questions, don't hesitate to call me. Please, go take a few minutes for yourselves; the cafeteria is on the 3rd floor. Your mother will not awaken from the sedative for a while yet. But from what I could see on the MRI, she is going to be fine. Her earlier combativeness was only a result of the fall. She hit her head pretty squarely on something."
I heard Dad mumble something about her being a pain in the ass all the time, and saw Mom's elbow take him out.
"I will be checking back with her hourly. She will have quite the headache from the concussion. Some bruising along her body from the stair case. But she is lucky to have only broken her ankle."
I glanced then and saw that her ankle was indeed in a cast. But just her ankle. Nothing like a hip or a head injury. Concussion. Well, ok, she does have a head injury. But the doctor seems to think its ok. My mind was working overtime trying to process all that I heard the doctor tell them, since I walked in late and picked up just the tail end. I knew I was going to get an earful from Mom about that, too. I saw it in her eyes when she greeted me.
I watched in awe as this woman handled my mother. And handled was exactly the proper term for it. She had maneuvered them all away from the bed and out the door. Her smile, it was compelling. Oh my god, she was using it to control my mother! Mom and Dad were at the doorway, saying goodbye to Val. She had to get to the school by three for the girls. Joe was out there with them, and he caught my eye, letting me know he'd run interference. His expression said stay with her if you like. I smiled my thanks.
I walked up to Grandma's bed and took her hand. All my life, Grandma Mazur was like having my own personal cheerleader. I sat in the chair by the bed, watching the machines, holding her hand, talking quietly, telling her about all the times I remembered as a child.
I was petrified that somehow, this doctor had missed something; that she wasn't going to wake up. I don't think I could handle that. I didn't notice how long I'd been there but the doctor was back, checking on the machines and on grandma.
"You are Stephanie?"
"Yes. Do I know you?"
"No." She did her doctor thing, and spent a few minutes writing on her chart. She then looked up at me. "Your grandmother is a piece of work. She had to be sedated before going for the MRI because she wouldn't stop grabbing at the male attendants rears."
I rolled my eyes. "Is that all she tried to grab?"
The doctor laughed. I glanced at her nametag. Dennison. Why do I know that name? And she looks familiar. I've seen her somewhere.
"She's going to be fine. She'll wake up grumpy, I'd say, but not for a while." She tilted her head toward the door, and I stood and followed. I wasn't even planning on leaving yet, but I followed her right out of the room.
She looked me over, and nodded her head toward the elevator. "Your family went down to the 3rd floor."
"Yes. Thanks," I said, and turned to the elevator bank.
Xxxxxx
Plum. Stephanie Plum. I smiled as I watched Stephanie Plum get onto the elevator. Yes. It was her. I thought back to the description of this Stephanie who stole Carlos heart. 'Oh, Rina, her eyes, they are like splashes of blue sky; her skin, its porcelain and cream and her hair, its alive!' I couldn't believe I was listening to my 'baby brother turned big bad army man,' simpering like a love struck fool. I was sure it was her.
Oh, could it really be? Mami's story had always been a fanciful flight of the imagination for me. I was floored by the fact that Carlos would have been taken by it, and then the idea he actually experienced it? That little white girl was the other half of his soul?
I needed to call him and tell him how beautiful she really was. And sadly, her husband was a stud. Too bad. Stop, Marina! Listen to you, hoping maybe she was married to a toad, so Carlos could play the happy home wrecker!
I was almost finished my rounds and after checking on Mrs. Mazur once more, I planned on calling Carlos. I began to fuss with a tube on her arm when she opened her eyes. "Hello there, and who might you be?"
"I'm your doctor, Ma'am."
"Doctor? You're too pretty to be a doctor. What kind are you?"
"Thanks, and I am a neurologist. You took a bad fall earlier, do you recall?"
"No, no I don't. I wonder why I would have done that."
"Do you know what today is?"
"It's Tuesday."
"That's right. Do you recall having plans for today?"
"Oh, no! Yes, I do, I was to meet Myra Fillipi at the home for a viewing. Maxine Bismark was laid out you know. And her husband, that Thomas, he is a looker, you know. And young! Only 72. He's gonna be snapped up in no time you know."
I nodded, thinking that I was unsure of where her mental state was based on this conversation. I figured I would let it go a bit longer and see if it began to make any sense.
"Anyway, I heard from Rita Hart that a bunch of the old biddies from the assisted living were planning on showing up all dolled up to make a play for Thomas. You have to understand, he's Burg, he doesn't need to been dragged off to Lakewood by some outsider."
"I had gotten all spiffed up. I had on a new turquoise and black number, and the cutest black patent leather shoes that went so well with it. Now they were not all that respectable, they had a two and half inch heel; but I hoped to sneak out of the house before Ellen noticed. You have to do what you have to do these days to get a man. Oh, but you are young and beautiful, you wouldn't understand. But I don't remember anything much after deciding to sneak out."
Well, it seems she's a handful, but her mental state seems to be ok. I began to note on her chart, when she tugged at my sleeve. "Oh, but yes, there were some hot studly men wearing white, they had nice packages. I do remember that! I don't know where they went, but wasn't that something to see!"
I shook my head and nodded. I bet it was, I agreed, and asked how her head felt.
"Oh, it's not good at all. I think I must have smacked it good on something, it hurts like the dickens."
Then she started to pull away. She looked to the door. "Stephanie! Oh, look doctor; this is my granddaughter, Stephanie. Isn't she the one? Are those flowers for me?"
"How are you feeling Grandma?" Stephanie smiled, and leaned over to kiss her grandmother.
"Don't you think she is a good girl? Thank you dear, they are beautiful. I suppose I'm ok, the doctor was just checking me over. I wouldn't have minded if they had gotten me a buff male doctor, you know, but I bet your mother made sure that didn't happen," I heard her say to Stephanie, in a conniving whisper.
I just rolled my eyes, pretended I didn't hear and continued my exam. I watched Stephanie as she interacted with her grandmother. She seemed to be a very genuine kind of person. No airs. Nothing false about her. I would really love to chat with her, but to what end? To find out what kind of person had stolen my brother's heart? She was his dream, and she was unavailable, and he knew it. And he seemed to be using her memory as a barrier to any type of real relationship with a woman.
It was beyond frustrating. I wanted him to find someone to make him whole. That niece of mine, she deserved a family. She had so many changes in the past year. And Carlos finally seemed to have a handle on the parenting thing.
I smiled to myself when I recalled the last conversation we had had about Julie and him. Julie had been out on my deck and she had done something that had upset Carlos. She knew it too. I was watching from the kitchen window. Her face fell as he spoke to her, and she nodded her head slowly. His expression was severe. He never raised his voice, he just spoke to her quietly, and from what I gathered she understood he was disappointed. She nodded again, and then reached out to hug him. His arms came around her, and I watched as he held her. Then he smacked her on the rear, and she looked up, giggled, and ran off.
After she was down the stairs, I stepped out onto the deck with a tray of drinks. I just smiled at him. We watched Julie for a few minutes quietly. He looked over at me after a time and spoke.
"How'd you learn all this, Rina? How'd you know?"
I shrugged my shoulder slightly and smiled. I raised my eyebrow and looked at him pointedly. "Carlos. The three of you? You are kidding right?"
He laughed at that, and looked slightly embarrassed. "Well yeah, but--"
"No buts, Carlos. You had at your command an entire company of men, didn't you? They did what you told them, when you told them, without question?" He nodded, and I continued. "Why would you think you couldn't ask of a six year old girl the same respect and good behavior you asked of your men? You just do the same thing with Julie, hijo. It's been a lot calmer these last months hasn't it?"
"Yes."
"I bet you could identify when the wind changed direction, too. She calls you Daddy now. You took control of your household and stopped allowing her to run the show, wouldn't you agree?"
His head tilted slightly in acknowledgement.
"No one said it was easy Carlos. But you are getting better at it every day. And she loves you more than you have any idea."
I smiled again, as I thought of Julie. That little girl was such a joy.
"What are you smiling about doctor? I bet you have some nice package all tied up waiting for you in bed don't you?"
"Grandma!"
Not touching that one! "I'm sorry, my mind wandered a moment. You seem to be doing well, Mrs. Mazur, but you have to stay at least overnight, ok? I will be checking on you early tomorrow; you will have someone come in and awaken you every hour. I'm sorry about that, but we need to. Get what rest you can, ok?" I picked up her hand and gave it a gentle pat.
"Good night."
I wanted to have Stephanie follow me out, but I couldn't just ask her. I didn't have to. She gave her grandmother a kiss goodbye and followed quickly behind me.
"Doctor? Is she really going to be ok?"
"Yes, I think she'll be fine. Pretty resilient for someone her age."
I pushed the elevator button and turned to look at her again.
"I'm sure that you and your family had more of a scare today than she did. Down?" I asked as we got on.
She nodded. She stood, looking at me, shaking her head.
"What is it?" I finally asked.
"I feel like I know you from somewhere. As soon as I met you earlier this afternoon; I haven't been able to shake it, or place you." I smiled at her as we both got off on 2. She was walking in the same direction I was.
"What is your full name? Your first name?" she blurted.
"Marina. Marina Dennison."
She came to a sudden stop, and grasped her purse to her chest. "Marina," she repeated. I guided her to a bank of seats along the wall. "Sit Stephanie."
"You're…"
"My brother Carlos looks a lot like me." I smiled gently at her.
"Carlos. Yes. You were so beautiful that night, dancing; I thought the two of you were such a perfectly matched couple." Her voice had gone from high and shaky to a soft melancholy whisper. "Carlos. I-- I never heard from you." Her eyes grew wide, and then I could see the fear in them.
I smiled at her, and took her hand in mine. I wanted to convey his safety; I wanted to confess all of his feelings, his yearnings. But I couldn't. "I never heard from you," I quietly replied.
Then her cell phone rang, and it was over. "Yes, Joe, I'm on my way to the parking lot right now. Ok. Bye." There was nothing more I could say to her, I thought; as I listened to her speak with her husband.
She looked at me as she closed the phone, stunned, speechless. I took her hand again. "He's out of the service. He lives nearby." Alone; with his daughter. He pines for you. He won't move on. He lives in darkness and loneliness and solitude, I wanted to add. But that would be cruel. She had her own life.
By now she was standing, unsure of her next move. I spoke first. "I will see you tomorrow?"
Her face drew a blank. "Your grandmother?"
She actually shook her head to clear it. I smiled.
She looked at me and said, "Right. Yes. Goodbye. Thank you. For everything."
Xxxxx
I pulled Steph closer to me and settled back into bed. She hadn't been able to get to sleep; it was almost 2 am, and I had found her sitting on the couch staring at the TV screen. She hadn't wanted to be alone so she stayed over my place. I think seeing her grandmother like that today really did a number on her.
"Cupcake, it's ok." I pressed myself up against her; damn, she turned me on any time of the day or night. She twisted in my arms and was facing me. "I know. I just am, I dunno." She put her head into my shoulder. She wasn't responding to my pressure, to the rubbing of my hands. I guess she was too distracted for sex. Shit.
I pulled her into my embrace and just spoke to her. I decided to tell her about some stuff from work. It doesn't sound so astonishing except that as a cop, there are so many bad things that happen; so many things I can't discuss; so many things I don't want to bring home. But you know what? Tonight, maybe she needed that distraction.
"Want me to tell you about the office?" I laughed. The office. My desk in a loud room full of loud men with cages of humanity on either side. "Sure," she murmured. Good. Maybe I can lull her to sleep.
"Lately there's been a rash of small time gang crap. Some jerks wanting some territory that belongs to other jerks. Should just let them all just shoot it out, and they'd be over and done with. But there's this one guy, this Hispanic small timer, he thinks he's a bad ass."
"Walks around with the street name of Ranger. Ranger? What the hell? Anyway, cupcake, this guy, he is like a thorn in my side. He's probably my number one arrest. Shit, he seems to always be where it's going down. The past six months I've arrested this jerk over and over for petty shit. That's what he is, a petty shit. If there's trouble up on Stark Street, we just assume lately that Ranger and his black sports car will be nearby."
"Anyway today was no different. Just pisses me off though. He knows someone, he has to. Hauled him in, carrying concealed. Again. You'd think he'd learn. But you know what? I can't seem to get him convicted. He's like a bad penny. Keeps turning up. He never fights me. Never tells me off. Never tries to resist. Just gets in the back of the blue and white and keeps his mouth shut. Face is blank. Nothing in his eyes. It feels like he's got a screw loose. He's bad news, I feel it deep down."
I stopped and looked down at Steph. I swiped a curl off her forehead. "Go on," she mumbled, eyes closed, her face relaxed. I was boring her to sleep.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I was replaying the fight again. Why the hell are we together anyway, I wondered, not for the hundredth time? Everything with Joe is a fight lately, I thought glumly. The Lexus sputtered at the light, as it had been doing for the past three days. I finally had enough time and money to head over to the garage that Joe suggested. The car seemed to hate hot summer driving. And it turns out Lexus's are expensive to fix. Figures. Should have asked for child support or something when I got custody of the car.
I laughed at myself. Haven't lost your sense of humor, Plum; that's a good thing. About the only thing you haven't lost, I thought next, and a dark gloom descended over my head. I was teetering on the edge; I knew it.
Anthony Pino was getting a little too short tempered with my 'issues' lately. I had a feeling my days at work were numbered. I wanted to make sure we all stayed happy and I would still feel comfortable eating there, so I had been giving serious thought to finding a new job. A new job would be easy. Finding a new pizza place was not something I really wanted to consider.
Finding a new boyfriend was definitely worth consideration however! Damn Joe and his Italian temper. We couldn't keep it together for more than a few weeks without a lot of yelling and carrying on. I was finding it hard to come up with many things to be thankful for lately. I was finding it hard to remain upbeat, and positive about the direction my life was headed.
I mean, ok, I had my health. And Grandma Mazur was recovering with no lasting ill effects. But beyond that? No world peace or anything as mundane as a happy heart for me. A satisfied heart, even.
The girls all thought I was a crazy fool for not thinking Joe hung the moon. For some reason I couldn't identify it just didn't feel like he was the one. And I knew Dickie hadn't been the one. Maybe there was no one for me, and my determination to find this elusive quantity was doing nothing for me but making me cranky, bitter and ungrateful. Shit. I mentally slapped myself. Stop watching Dr. Phil!
Then my mind went to Marina Dennison and our brief conversation about Carlos the other day. He was alive, he was here in Trenton? But I didn't get to talk any more to her, and besides what would I have said? I bet she didn't tell me a lot of things about him. I was sure he would be married and have a family by now; any woman would be stupid to turn him down. Shit. I turned him down. Stupid. Stupid! STUPID! I heard something in Marina's voice, a chiding, an accusation; when she reminded me that I had never called her to get in contact with him.
Enough; concentrate on driving. I had this irrational fear of driving over railroad tracks. I don't know where I developed said fear; maybe it was too many Bugs Bunny and Wile E. Coyote cartoons. But I groaned inside when I discovered the garage on Lafayette Avenue was on the other side of the tracks. I slowed down, put my foot on the brake as I was cresting the little rise before the tracks, and looked carefully in both directions. Railroad tracks give me the absolute shakes!!! I saw nothing as far as I could see in either direction, so I decided if I closed my eyes and gunned the gas, it would be alright. And as I took my foot off the brake and got the car half way to the other side, it stalled. Oh shit. Absolute fucking shit. I grabbed the gear, put it in reverse, and willed it back. It didn't move.
I yanked the door open, scrambled for my pocket book and tossed myself onto the ground; as if the car were about to explode. I looked like a jackass, but I told you, tracks freak me out. No other cars were coming, and thankfully no trains. My hands shook as I dialed 911 to tell them. They needed to get my car off the track; they needed to stop the trains; they needed to do something! I was shaking and hyperventilating. I kept far away from the car, but kept looking back and forth, waiting to see a train.
I called Joe next. I didn't know what else to do! I know we had fought; for all the yelling that took place this morning we may well have broken up this time, but I needed him to help me. I decided this part of town was dicey looking anyway. There was nothing here, no one to help me. I heard an engine and freaked, thinking it was a train, but it was just a car, coming in the opposite direction, the bass pounding, and the ground shaking. The guy drove over the tracks and away from me, and never even stopped! Shit.
Another car. This one was going in my direction. Maybe he'd stop; after all, I was technically blocking his path. The vehicle was black, some type of sports car. Tinted windows. Thankfully it stopped as I ran out into the street, waving the driver down. Something had to happen!! My car couldn't stay there forever!!!
I must have looked like a mad fool, but the door opened and the driver got out of the car. I watched him, long legs encased in black unfolding from the door, dark sunglasses, dark hair pulled into a ponytail. The sun made the diamond stud in his ear sparkle. I thought I saw a gun glint under his jacket, and I almost died. Shit, I thought, I flagged down a drug dealer or something. Double shit. Oh who cares, move my car!! He took a step toward me, and then froze as he looked at me. His eyes widened. "Babe."
"Ohmygod. Carlos. Carlos." I couldn't believe it. But I started panicking again. "My -- my car, it stalled…. I can't get it off the tracks!"
"Ok. Calm down, Babe," he touched my hand; gently, so softly I wasn't sure it happened and he turned to my car. He ran up to it, yanked open the back door first, then shut it. He pulled the front door open, played with the gears, and then got out. He walked around to the front of the car. He was going to push it? Just then I heard the train whistle. "Carlos!!" I screamed. "Carlos!!" He pushed and pushed and pushed; but it was stuck. He had gotten it over one rail, and was attempting to get it over the next, but they had been poorly maintained and were rutted. And now the train was coming.
I was pulling my hair, running toward him, looking at the train, screaming, "CARLOS!!!!!!" He finally stopped pushing and ran toward me, grabbing me while at the same time diving into the ditch. His body covered me, and I was unable to breathe when I heard the train brakes screeching and then the sound of metal against metal, as the front edge of the car was hit by the train and flung to the side.
Xxxxxxxxxxxx
We lay in the ditch, me covering Stephanie's body, as the train destroyed her car. I took a few deep calming breaths, so thankful her kids weren't all strapped into the back, that she was ok; that I had the chance to touch her, to see her, to smell her sweet scent once again.
Rina called me the other night; told me she had met Steph, and since that time, my mind had been overwhelmed with thoughts of her. And now, she was lying under me, in a ditch. I sat up, and pulled Stephanie up into my embrace. "Are you ok, babe?" I spoke gently, but she was shaking, her heart was beating wildly. I rubbed her arms vigorously, trying to get a reaction, to snap her out of the place she had gone. I looked over to where her car was. It was upside down, on the other side of the ditch.
"Oh my god. Oh my god. My car, my car," she kept repeating, rocking back and forth in my arms. She was in shock. We both looked up again as we heard the sirens in the distance. "I called 911," she told me, over and over. It was an automatic response, a mantra that spilled from her lips as she rocked in my arms.
"Babe." I tugged her face away from the car, and tried to get her to focus on me.
"Dickie loved that car. Oh my god, when Dickie hears about his car…."
"Babe. It's only a car. It's replaceable."
"Dickie loved that car."
"Babe. No one was hurt. No one was trapped in the car, no one got hurt. You can replace the car. You, your kids, that can't be replaced. It's ok."
She sniffed and ran the back of her hand against the tears spilling from her eyes. "Come on, let's get up. Are you hurt babe? I didn't hurt you did I?" I pulled on her arm and held her close to me as she regained her balance. The knee of her pants was torn and I saw blood soaking through. We climbed out of the ditch, and I brushed off the leaves and dirt from her as I tried to distract her from looking over at the car. "Come on, you want to get that knee looked at," I motioned toward the ambulance pulling to a stop.
I handed her over to the paramedics as a firefighter jumped off his rig. He walked over to me and asked what happened. Giving another glance toward Steph, I went with him towards the wreck and explained how the train had barreled past.
I wanted to get back over there, spend a few minutes with Steph before some called her husband; before the cops got all over this and I had to bolt. Holding her, shit, it brought back every feeling I had ever had about her. My arms around her had felt so right. She smelled the way I expected, and her body fit mine the way I always recalled.
I hadn't seen her around since that day almost a year ago. I hadn't felt her presence. I thought I had been given a gift that day, learning she was happy. I should have been able to move on then. But I still hadn't apparently. And she had. I had no choice but to accept it. She had recognized me. But she was someone else's woman.
I heard more sirens, and saw the police cars too. Shit. I need to get out of here. I have been in the Trenton Police Departments radar too often lately; I really didn't want to get bawled out again by the brass at the ATF for playing too loose with this investigation. This was the start of something big for me and Tank. Our reputation was on the line. I couldn't risk fucking it up.
I walked over to the ambulance, where the paramedic was just finishing up wrapping her knee. "Babe." She stood then and leaned into me, not awkward at all, but as if she belonged in my arms. I groaned inside. She did belong in my arms.
"Carlos. Thank you. Thank you so very much! You saved my life, you know that?? How can I repay you?"
I tilted my head to her, and my eyes smiled into hers, as my lips gently grabbed hold of hers. She tasted so sweet. Sweet heaven. I had to pull away.
"There's no price, babe, never." I brushed my lips against her forehead and tugged her closely to me. Just one last embrace, to sear this moment into my brain.
Xxxxxx
I was still shaking. Nothing ever good comes of nightmares. I had always wondered why I feared train tracks. Well, now I know. Shit. But those thoughts quickly were overtaken by the overwhelming calm I felt, being held so gently by Carlos.
Carlos! I could hardly trust myself to look up at him. He was real. Standing here, holding me and murmuring calming words, trying to settle my racing heart. All those times I would randomly think of him, those otherworldly feelings I got when he seemed to be in my subconscious…none of it held a candle to the incredible reality.
Carlos appeared from nowhere, and he saved my life. I leaned into him and felt his lips caress my forehead, soothing me. I recalled last week, meeting his sister Marina. I knew now, all those times I thought I was going crazy, that it was really just that Carlos had been somewhere close by.
The sirens still wailed and I heard gravel crunching as a couple of cop cars screeched to a halt. I looked over Carlos's shoulder and saw Joe climb out of his vehicle. His stride was long and he was at Carlos' back within seconds, before I could even react. He caught my eye. "Are you ok? What happened?"
At that, Carlos turned around with me still holding on for dear life. I looked to Joe and then over to the car. I shook my head. "It stalled." But Joe wasn't looking at me any longer. His eyes were boring into Carlos.
"Let her go. What the fuck? What are you doing, touching this woman?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And that, dear Babes, is the end of Good Lovin'.
Ain't too Proud to Beg, or Heard it Through the Grapevine next, which do you think?