Chapter Six: Return

"Can you just fucking drop it, Howard?"

We had been flying for close to four hours- four hours filled with constant badgering from Howard to tell him what I was keeping from him and Peggy threatening to tell him if I didn't. I think the fact that Peggy knew something about me that he didn't pissed him off even more.

"No, Joanne, I can't just fucking drop it. You've been lying to me, and I don't much appreciate that. Now, you are going to tell me what the hell is making you so sick, or I swear to God I will crash this plane straight into the ocean!"

"Just tell him!" Peggy yelled, tired of listening to us go back and forth. "For the love of all that is holy, Jo, just tell him."

I snapped. "I have radiation poisoning, okay?! I'm dying! Those stupid fucking Vita-Rays worked their way into my system, and now the radiation is killing me from the inside out. That's why I get chills, that's why I get headaches, and that's what I have been keeping from you." The plane was silent, and I thanked the God I didn't believe in for this moment of peace.

"You're dying," was the first thing he said, surprisingly calm, after a long period of nobody saying anything. "You're dying, and you didn't tell me. You're dying, because of my machine, and you told Peggy, but you didn't tell me."

"Congrats, Huxley. You got it out of me. Do you feel better now?"

Another beat of silence. "Don't do that."

I scoffed. "What, die? Wow, I didn't even think about that. Thanks, Hux-"

"That," he cut me off. "Don't do that. Don't pretend you're okay. Don't pretend that any of this is okay."

I pulled my feet into the chair and tucked them under my legs, resting my head against the wall to stare at Howard's profile. When Peggy told me to not joke about it, I ignored her because joking is how I cope. But when Howard told me not to joke about it, I couldn't help but listen, because I knew it was how he coped too. And if he wasn't coping, how could I? "Okay."

He nodded once, and continued to stare out of the plane's windshield. His face seemed expressionless, and I was only just barely able to notice the tightness in his jaw that showed he was scared and angry because I'd known him so long. "Okay."

After receiving no signal from Steve and Howard's announcement that pretty soon we weren't going to have enough fuel to make it back, we had no choice but to turn back and return to the base.

As soon as we touched down, Colonel Phillips was on all of our asses with questions about where we'd gone, and where was Rogers, and how stupid could we be?

"With all due respect, Phillips," I slapped a hand against his chest, "we could not care less about anything you have to say at the moment. We know we fucked up. We know, okay? So just, stop talking."

Normally, I would have stuck around to see the look on his face, but all I really wanted at that moment was to get back to my lab and work on recreating Erskine's serum. It was the only thing keeping me sane these days, and there was this little flicker of hope in the back of my mind that maybe- just maybe- if I could recreate the serum, I could use it to stop the radiation from killing me.

I didn't even notice that Howard had been following behind me until the tent flap opened again to show him standing in the entrance with his arms crossed over his chest, his face carefully blank. "What, Howard?" I sighed. "What could you possibly need from me right now?"

He didn't say anything. Instead, his arms dropped to his side as he took the three small steps needed to close the distance between us and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, his face burying into my neck. I wrapped my arms back around him automatically, rubbing soothing circles into his back with my thumbs and kissing his temple. "I'm sorry," he breathed against my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Jo."

"It's not your fault," I whispered, shaking my head slightly. "We both knew that the radiation was dangerous. You can't blame yourself for this." I pulled back slightly and moved my hands to his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. His eyes were red, and I knew he was holding back tears because we didn't cry. It just wasn't done. "You have to promise me that you aren't going to blame yourself for this, Howard."

After a moment he nodded, and even though I knew he was lying, I nodded back as his hands moved to cover mine on his face. "Don't lie to me again. Okay?"

"Okay." I waited a second before smiling and kissing the edge of his lips with a chaste peck. "I love you muchly, Huxley," I declared and he chuckled at our little joke. We rarely ever talked about how we were feeling, but I knew that he needed reassurance even if he would never admit it out loud.

"I love you muchlier, Susie."

We stayed like that for a while longer before stepping away from each other and I began to explain my plans for the serum recreation as if the previous conversation had never occurred. "I've decrypted most of Erskine's notes, but they aren't really much help. He didn't trust anyone except himself, so most of the formula he had committed to memory. The only components I've been able to work out so far are a lot of potassium and creatine injections, along with taking bela ataline orally."

Howard nodded along, looking over the notes I'd already deciphered. He wasn't much of a chemist, but he was the smartest person I knew, and the next best thing to working with Erskine himself. "Do you have these things here?"

"The ones I've been able to decipher, I've been able to get my hands on, but I still don't know how to make the complete formula."

"What about the Vita-Rays?" he asked, looking from the papers in his hands to me, and I could see how hard he was concentrating by the little wrinkles that formed in between his eyebrows.

"The machine was destroyed when the HYDRA agent tried to break out of the lab, and I don't think we have enough time to build another one." He swallowed, and I held back a wince at the mention of me dying. I may have been acting nonchalant about it in front of everyone else, but I wasn't ready to die. I was only 25, and I had been happy with the way my life had been heading so far, so I'd be damned if I let something as stupid as radiation take me out before I was ready to go. "Honestly, I've been hoping that the Vita-Rays I already have in my system will be enough to get the serum going- at least enough to keep me alive. I'm not really aiming to be the next Captain America, you know?"

He nodded slowly and ran a hand back through his hair. "Okay. Yeah, that might just work. Maybe we could adjust the formula so that-"

We were interrupted by a private sprinting into the tent. "They're back!" he shouted, laughing. "Captain America brought the soldiers back!"

Howard and I were out of that tent before the soldier even had time to move out of the way, hurrying to the entrance to the base where none other than formerly-little Steve Rogers came marching in, followed by hundreds of freed prisoners of war carrying futuristic guns and riding on a tank. "Son of a bitch," I breathed, shaking my head. Howard didn't even take the time to tell me to watch my language, we were both too awestruck by the troupe making their way into camp.

The soldiers on base had formed two lines that the returned were marching by, cheering loudly at the sight before them. Howard and I stopped next to Peggy, watching as Colonel Phillips walked up to Steve.

Steve saluted the Colonel- God bless the boy's ever loving soul- before motioning behind him. "Some of these men need medical attention." Phillips took a look around at the wounded soldiers. "I'd like to surrender myself for disciplinary action."

I was ready to step forward and defend Steve, but as Phillips so eloquently put it, "That won't be necessary."

My heart melted a little at Steve's smile, reminded of the little boy who bumped into me back in Brooklyn as he replied, "Yes, sir."

"Faith, huh?" Phillips asked as he turned back to Peggy, who was trying not to beam at the sight of Steve.

When neither of them moved, I pushed her forward a little. She narrowed her eyes at me, but stepped forward anyway. "You're late," she told Steve, and I bit back a loud sigh. She was supposed to confess her love or something, not berate him!

With a little smirk, he pulled the demolished transponder out from his jacket pocket. "Couldn't call my ride."

"Hey!" I turned my attention to the man standing on Steve's left, who looked even more worse for wear than the rest of the group. "Let's hear it for Captain America!"

The camp immediately burst into cheers, myself included. Stepping forward, I shoved Steve's shoulder to catch his attention. "This," I swept my arm out, gesturing to the applauding soldiers he'd risked his life to save, before grinning up at Steve. "This is what you're meant for." I reached up to smack the front of his helmet (that looked oddly similar to the ones the showgirls wore). "Much better than a pair of fancy tights. Wouldn't you agree, Cap?"