Chapter 6 | Learning the Heart

The voice of Sio Bibble filled the room, his blue form flickering as the holo continued to play. Sam couldn't believe the sheer arrogance of the queen, for having gone completely over their own orders and accepting the holocall from Tatooine.

"The death toll is catastrophic...we must bow to their wishes... you must contact me ..."

The look on Amidala's face was one of upset and nervousness, an expression easy to pick out even on her heavily painted face. The queen obviously didn't like the situation that was playing out on her home planet, but as a third party Sam could easily distance herself from the emotions of the situation. The transmission, while informative, was also a ploy to get the queen to reveal where she was. Sam knew that Sio Bibble wouldn't willingly deceive his queen, but people could do all kinds of terrible things if their own lives were threatened. He could have made the transmission under duress, giving false information about how bad things were. Sam frowned, lips pursing as she crossed her arms in front of her.

"It's a trick. Send no reply... Send no transmission of any kind."

Sam was glad that it was Obi-Wan that made the order. She didn't think she could have said anything without sounding sarcastic, and she was more than happy to leave the room as she followed after the Padawan. The meeting was over, there was nothing more to say on the matter, and Sam didn't want to spend any more time among the queen's entourage then she would like. Obi-Wan turned to look at her as they walked, a low sound leaving him as he addressed her.

"It is a trick is it not? What if people are dying?"

She sighed, it seemed the padawan was not so sure of his orders after all.

"In war people will die, there is nothing we can do for them ... especially if we allow ourselves to be caught by the trade federation. Because that is what will happen if we take the bait and establish a firmer trace ... we will be found, and the queen forced to sign their treaty. If that happens then the death toll really will be catastrophic.

Obi-Wan's sound of relief told her that he was pleased that he had done right. Though there was something still bothering him, she could feel it in the air around him. She could see it in the way he wrung his hands in the barest of motions. The padawan was on edge about something, and he was quick to get to the point of the matter - that was the good thing about padawans, they were always eager to talk of their concerns.

"I ... felt your emotions in the meeting ... the frustration ... the annoyance. Master Yoda said to be mindful of our emotions, to be wary of them for being out of balance can lead to the dark side. I can feel you are a ball of emotion ... but yet you are balanced. I do not understand"

So that's what his look was about? He had tuned into her presence in the force and had seen the mix of flaring lights and emotions. Sam trailed a hand through her hair, feeling the smooth locks and giving him a pointed look.

"I was taught differently to you. My master was a Corellian Jedi, and some might have called him a 'gray' Jedi for his beliefs. Under him, I learned a great many things, to walk a path of balance within your own emotions - and to never let desire for power to pull you down a path you don't want to follow"

The fey turned her head, adjusting the fall of her hair over her shoulder, and continued down the hallway. She wasn't really sure what her plans were at that point, but they certainly hadn't involved teaching a padawan about her training and upbringing. Sam didn't want to 'corrupt' the padawan with any ideas, her training had worked with her - something that had been planned by Yoda so that she could have a family and still be a Jedi. But for someone like Obi-Wan, who had been taught in the traditional way such things were very much new and awfully tempting.

"Would you even ... love ... if you chose to?"

Obi-Wan's question drew her out of her thoughts, and she wondered if there was a hole for her to crawl into. Of all the people to ask her about love it HAD to have been Obi-Wan. She was sure that she was blushing, the heat in her face being quite obvious as she stepped into one of smaller rooms off the ship's hallway. Once inside she allowed herself to fall into one of the chairs within it, her body slumping heavily into it as Obi-Wan took the chair opposite her.

"That ... is ... a delicate subject. There are sects of Jedi that allow such things, and I am sure you have heard of them at some point in your learning. As a Jedi, I follow the code and the code says such things are forbidden as such passions lead to the dark side. I ... however ... have dispensation to have a family due to the rarity of my species ... and for that I must love"

The look on his face was one of mild surprise, his brows raised and his head dropping forward to rest on his linked fingers. Sam hadn't even planned to mention her 'dispensation' to him. It had just bubbled up out of her, and as awkward as it was it felt good to talk about such things to someone. Obi-Wan made a slight motion with the top parts of his fingers, his head shifting in a curious manner as if her words hadn't really answered his question at all.

"Ki-Adi-Mundi had such dispensation too. While he cares for his family, I believe he distances himself so not as to have too deep a connection"

"Ki-Adi-Mundi is not Fey. For a fey to have a family we must have a deep connection. A child can only come from what we call 'huusak' ... the union of two compatible lovers. You humans would call such people your soul mates."

What was it about the padawan that made her want to share her deepest secrets with him. He had that kind of look to him, that calm look of understanding and serenity. That you could share anything with him and he would never think any differently of you. Very few people outside her own knew of huusak, it was a sacred thing - a thing so rare to find with her kind so decimated. Finding one's 'match' was the most wondrous thing that could happen to a fey, other than having children that were. But to share that sacred thing with someone outside her kind? It felt awkward ... and yet good at the same time. If her kind was dying then what was wrong with telling someone about their culture so that it could be saved for prosperity. Well, as long as it wasn't wiped out of the history data banks that was.

"These soul mates ... you would know when you find them? Such things are talked about so often among the species of the galaxy, yet for all their words they flit from one soul mate to the next ..."

Her hands lifted so that she could rest her face in her palms for a moment, rubbing her palms over her cheeks as she lifted her eyes to once again look at the padawan - who seemed determined to make her spill every one of her secrets.

"Yes. While humans claim to know whom their soul mates are, we actually feel it ... physically, mentally, and spiritually"

"I assume then that you have not felt this ... feeling ... seeing as you have no family"

"No. I have not"

Well, that was a barefaced lie. Sam had totally felt those feelings, had felt the pull of her soul toward his, but she wasn't going to tell the padawan that she had felt such things! If she did then he'd be pushing her to find out whom it was, and she wasn't going to walk down that path! She wished that Obi-Wan didn't look at her as if he didn't believe her, one of his brows raised upward and his pursed lips just about visible from above the knuckles of his fingers. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees and she felt suddenly rather aware of the space between them. While the room was spacious enough she felt crowded, and almost wished that someone would come in and ask for their assistance. No one came, however, and she could only shift backward in her seat in an effort to feel less crowded.

"The other person ... would they feel it too?"

Sam just about choked on her own saliva at the question, her coughing filling the room as she tried not to think about the implications of the question. She had wondered if he had felt such things a few times but had ultimately pushed it aside - not wanting to explore the possibilities. Perhaps, with luck it would just be him asking out of curiosity. But what if it was something more? What if he was asking because of how he felt? Reaching out through the force she tried to get a sense of why he was asking, and the most prominent feeling she got from him was one of nervousness as well as the curiosity. It told her nothing on why he was asking. He could have been nervous to ask a prying question, or nervous because he didn't want to reveal an inner feeling ... either way it didn't solve her conundrum. What she wouldn't give to be with Qui-Gon right now, the Jedi master was having a much easier time of things the she was! In the end, she would have to be honest with him because he had already revealed that he knew when she was hiding the truth of things from him.

"Yes. They would know of such things"

A look of understanding swept over his face as if something suddenly made a lot of sense to him. It made Sam wonder if she had made the wrong choice - what if she had read this all wrong and he had been asking because he had felt the pull too? She had not wanted to encourage matters, and now she might well have inadvertently stepped right into Yoda's plan. She lifted her hands, palms outward as she tried to correct the situation before things really did get out of control.

"I should of course mention, this is all among the Fey. Such a connection between a fey and another species has yet to be recorded ... it is believed to not exist"

That didn't seem to placate the padawan. He frowned and moved a hand in front of him in a thoughtful manner. Suddenly seeming much older than he really was, and she caught just a hint of what the male would be like when he had grown up a little more.

"Could it, though ... could it exist? I mean what if they never looked? There are many species that have thought to have died out, but if we don't know then the galaxy rules out the possibility that they - like your own people, still exist"

It was an interesting argument. Could her species have been saved if her kind had looked for 'huusak' outside of their species? The paranoia and lack of trust of the outside world had, of course, meant that none had looked. In the end, her species chose to be secluded from the rest of the world, and it would eventually lead to their ultimate demise.

"It is not sure if such a thing could exist. After what happened with our kind would it really surprise you if they chose to look among their own species for love? If the galaxy had been kinder than they might well have looked, and theoretically it could well have been found to exist. Perhaps it might have even already have been found. Who is to say a Fey didn't find a bond outside their kind ... but in the end ignored it because of actions of non-Fey. Just because a huusak is found doesn't mean that it is always acted upon, some chose not to follow through because they did not wish to have families. Why have a family when it could be so easily destroyed? So many have already faced that particular torture and such knowledge has meant that most prefer to live a single life with no strong connections"

Silence filled the room. Obi-Wan's expression becoming one of sadness as the words she had spoken sunk into his thoughts. The horrors of the hunt had remained in her culture, sure it had been a few hundred years since the last massacre, but when every member of your species had been alive for it such things tended to not be forgotten. Those that had not found their Huusak had simply chosen to never look for it - for fear their family would be ripped apart. She was too young at the time to truly remember the last hunt, but she remembered the effect it had on those that had lost their families. The heart-wrenching pain of losing a mother, father, daughter or son. She could easily see why someone wouldn't want to have a family with such memories in play. It was a long moment before Obi-Wan moved again, his head lifting from his hands so that he could reach out with one of them. His palm resting on her knee as he let out a slow breath.

"It is a great shame when the actions of a galaxy ruin the chance of happiness for a whole people. Perhaps, with time such past miseries can be forgiven. I know it is not easy for all, but perhaps a few could find joy in their lives"

She appreciated the thought but didn't think her people could forgive so easily. The calmness she got from the weight of his hand on her knee was counterbalanced by her sadness. The question was could she come to terms with how she felt. When Yoda had said to look to Obi-Wan she had thought that he would be like any other, that she would feel nothing for him. But she did. Life had become complicated, and she knew she had to bring herself back into balance before the chaos within her gained control.

"Perhaps. It is not for me to tell them when to forgive. I can only control my own feelings on the matter, and as a Jedi I am learning to forgive such things. Who is to say what the future holds."

The words she spoke had a calming effect on him. The relief was palpable on the air, his hand giving her knee a light press as he continued the contact - contact that she allowed as she felt herself relaxing. A defining moment had just passed her by. She had come to terms with her feelings, that she could allow the future to happen as it would. No longer would she deny it because she wanted to give Yoda a good case of 'I told you so'. If her soul told her that he would be the one then she was willing to listen from now on ... but it wouldn't be easy. She still didn't know what Obi-Wan thought of her, and how would she even broach the subject with him? It was a question she found herself meditating on later on in the day. Long after Obi-Wan had left her to answer the chirp of his comlink, and hours after he had given her knee one last reassuring squeeze.

Legs crossed under her, and hands cupped in front of her stomach the woman closed her eyes. For days, she had felt conflicted ... but now she felt at peace. But what would the future hold? Would it hold the vision that she had seen in the force not that long ago? Would it hold something much different? Whatever it held she was now willing to welcome it with open arms.