I watched you suffer a dull, aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
(Rolling Stones, Wild Horses)
Addison Montgomery isn't sure if she should be here at this pier today. It's difficult for her to stand here and not cry, and not feel guilty, and not to feel like a back stabbing bitch.
The question that Addison is asked most often regarding her divorce is who does she think was to blame for the end of her marriage.
Addison wants to be able to blame Meredith for the breakdown of her marriage, but she can't blame her the slightest bit, because Meredith was a kind and caring person who just got caught in the middle of the nasty war that was the end of a marriage. Addison wished she could because then she wouldn't be able to hold herself responsible for all the hurt she caused herself, and Derek, and Meredith.
When Addison first arrived in Seattle, she could see that Derek was happy, and so was that intern with the dirty blonde hair. Addison felt jealous because she couldn't remember seeing him that happy with her in a long time, long before Mark Sloan. Then when she and Derek decided to give the marriage another shot, even though she knew she was fighting a losing battle, Addison was smug. Smug as a Cheshire freaking cat. It actually made her happy that she could see Meredith hurting.
When Meredith died, however, all that jealousy and all that smugness turned to guilt and it hurts her. Addison thinks Meredith is getting her own back because she thinks the pain she feels every day is the same pain Meredith endured while she gloated about having her husband back.
The cold February wind is hitting her from the side and she's struggling to keep her red hair out of her face. She can hear some other people around talking, laughing and some of them crying. She can hear the rustling of the sheets of thin plastic wrapped around the many bouquets of flowers other people have laid in memory of their loved ones. Addison takes a deep, shaky breath before kneeling down and placing her own flowers for the woman whom her ex-husband loved.
Addison looks once more at the floral tributes and takes a long look over the pier to the water. She heads back to her car, conscience eased slightly.
For today, at least.