CHAPTER VI - To Die Alone

"Walking through the desert
Hearing Nazi bells ringing from the church to farm
That was never there
Imagine I'm in heaven, but it is a hell
Sun is drying out my brain
The smile and installations are my pain"
I'm Going Mad – Scorpions

°°°

Dean woke up with a lingering taste of blood on his tongue. He opened his eyes as he tried to sit up but however faint the movement was, it was enough to make his stomach lopsided. He tried to put his hand to his mouth but he wasn't quick enough and the best he managed to do was curl on the side and vomit on the carpet floor instead of the bed. The sight of the mixture of bile and blood almost made him throw up again.
He felt tears building up in his eyes and wished someone would put a bullet through his skull so he could at least die with the little dignity he had left.

Almost unconsciously, his hand found its way underneath his pillow searching for the cool piece of metal that he knew was there. He patted the soft mattress and cursed when he realised that his ever present knife wasn't there. Looking around, he realise that it wasn't the only thing missing. His bag wasn't by his bedside anymore. Why in hell would Sam have taken all the weapons? Sam?! Sam wasn't there either he realised dully.

"Sam?" He called with the last bit of voice he had. Tears were harder to contain when his question was met with cold silence.

"Sammy?" He called out again, more pleadingly this time. But again silence was the only answer.

He forced himself to sit up and managed to get to his feat without blacking away. He started to make his way to the door, he had to find Sam. He could barely breathe, and the pain was overwhelming but he forced himself to put one foot in front of the other again and again. Every single muscle in his body ached, but he pushed the pain aside. No. He wasn't going to die, not before he had a chance to tell Sam all the things he wanted to say.

He pushed the door open and stepped outside, the brightness of the day assaulting his eyes. He put his hand up in a desperate attempt to shield himself from the burning rays of the sun. The air was dry and the grains of sand carried by the wind made it even harder for Dean to breath. Sand?! Where was he now?

He looked around but saw nothing that could indicate where he was. The cabin he was standing in front of was the only thing around. He coughed and the grains of sand that made their way in his mouth cut through his throat. How the fuck had he gotten in the middle of a desert he wondered. And more important, where was Sam?

A shape appeared in the distance. Tall, dark. Someone was walking toward him. Threatening? He didn't know, and frankly it didn't really matter for he had no weapon and even if he had, he doubted that he could conjure up enough strength to fight. Leaning against the door frame, breathing heavily, he waited.

He blinked and smiled as he recognised the facial feature of the dark-suited man in front of him.

"Sam!" He called out. "Where the hell have you been?"

The youngest kept his lips sealed as he took the final steps towards the cabin. Only when he was by Dean's side did he turn around to meet his brother's quizzical eyes.

"It's ok Dean." The words were soft spoken with an undertone of resignation and it sent a shiver through Dean's spine.

"It's ok." His brother said again. "You can die now,"

What was that resolute tone, Dean wondered? Since when was Sam so okay with him dying? Did he not care at all? He met his brother's eyes again and winced at what he saw, slumping back more into the door frame. Nothing.

He felt like screaming but all the air had left his lungs. He opened his mouth to gulp some more air but couldn't get it down his throat. The loud pounding of his heart resounded throughout his whole body, so loud, so loud, so loud it hurt.

He fell to his knees and tried to breathe again but his throat was like closed with glue. He looked up to Sam with teary eyes but his brother wasn't even looking at him anymore. The pounding slowed and suddenly the sun wasn't so bright anymore. Was it dawn already? Yeah probably, that would explain the cold that was spreading through, chilling him to the bones. He closed his eyes and in his heart, he cried. His worst fear had come true. He was dying alone.

°°°

It wasn't cold; it wasn't scary. It was warm around him and things weren't so bright anymore. It wasn't dark either he realised as he opened his eyes. The tears in them made it hard to see but it looked like he was inside again. He closed his eyes again, feeling good, safe, in that warmth that was oddly comforting. Death wasn't so bad after all. Something around him shuffled and he realised that he wasn't alone. Someone was holding him. His senses were slowly coming back and he realised that someone's hand was stroking his hair while another was running up and down his arm in a soothing motion.

"Sam?" He knew for sure, though he hadn't seen him.

"Yeah Dean, I'm here. It's ok. Everything's ok." His brother replied in a soothing voice. And Dean let the feeling of relieve wash over him. Sammy's here. Sammy's ok.

"Am I dead?" He asked, his voice hitching a little.

"No. No you're not. You just had a nightmare."

Dean let out a sigh and leaned in closer. They had never been a hugging-kind of family and he couldn't clearly remember the last time he'd been hugged but frankly he didn't really care anymore. He was feeling horrible and this was helping.

His mouth was dry and he could swear it tasted of sand. Gosh that dream had been so vivid, it had felt so real. He had felt like dying. Thinking back on it, sent a shiver throughout his entire body and Sam held him a little tighter.

"I'm sorry," Dean chocked out.

"Don't be,"

"I am. I don't want to die. Sammy. Who's going to look after you now?"

"Dean, it's-"

"No it's not ok." Dean cut him, glad to realise that his voice had regain some of its strength and that the tears had finally stopped falling. "It's not ok. It's not how it was supposed to be and really I'm sorry. I wish you could have had the normal life you wanted. I do, really."

"Dean it's ok, you've done right by me,"

"It's not ok," Dean said again like a stubborn kid and it was hard for Sam not to smile.

Sam looked down at his brother and his heart constricted in his chest. He had never seen Dean so vulnerable before; even as a kid the eldest had always been strong and confident, even in the worst situations.

But today… Today things were wrong. Earlier Dean had appeared to be sleeping fitfully and Sam had taken it as a good thing. More time for him to do researches and avoid looking at the truth; the seriousness of the situation. Yes, things had been as fine as they could have been until the moment Dean had woken up screaming, shaking and – much to Sam's bewilderment – crying. He wasn't used to seeing him like that and his brother's tears were perhaps the wrongest thing in all that fucked up situation.

As he sat there, holding his brother as close as he could, he swore to himself that Dean Winchester would live to see another day. Go to Amsterdam where coffee-shop don't even sell coffee and visit the Grand Canyon if that was what he wanted to do.

Never in his life had Sam been so resolute, so sure about a decision. He knew the risks were high but there was nothing that he was not willing to try. And when he spoke it was with the utmost confidence.

"I found a way,"

°°°

"I found it in Bobby's book 'The Key of Salomon' remember it's where we found that trap for Daemons," Sam started as he got up to fetch the book.

"It's a ritual, a biding ritual actually." Sam continued, "It's very old, ancestral even. I believe it's powerful enough to sorta outrun the curse. Here have a look,"

Dean shook his head to clear his thoughts and tried to focus on the words imprinted on the old paper but the headache was back and it made it difficult for him to concentrate. Some words however registered. 'two souls, eternal binding, equal outcome'.

"Sammy this is wrong," Dean started only to be cut by his younger brother.

"No what is wrong is you dying. We don't risk anything. We'll do this out of our free will and by ourselves without any kind of dark forces interfering. So it's safe. And then our souls will share the same fate and since I haven't been cursed, you won't be anymore."

"You can't cheat death Sam,"

"It's not cheating Dean. Okay! I know my stuff. I've spent the last fifteen hours or so, reading on curses and rituals and more, so trust me I know what I'm talking about."

Sam's tone was convincing and god how badly did he want to believe it as well, but it couldn't be so simple. Dean wasn't lucky and he knew it. Everything had always come with a price and it was hard for him to believe that this could be any different.

He forced himself to stand a little straighter so he could get eye-to-eye with his brother. He searched those big brown eyes to see if he could find the lie and was amazed at the strength that reflected.

"What's the catch Sammy?" He asked sternly.

"There's none Dean I swear," Sam lied with as much conviction as he could. "It will save you," Either that or it will kill us both, he thought. But that last part Dean didn't really need to know.

°°°

TBC
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